THE LAWNDALE TANGO
BY: THE NEW KIDS ON THE CELLBLOCK
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Announcer: Now the six merry murderesses of the Lawndale County Jail in their rendition of…the Cellblock Tango.
(Stage lights come up; we see six sections of iron bars. Behind each section is a girl. The girls start talking at first unconnected, then falling into a rhythm)
Daria: Pop
Ms. Barch: Six
Stacy: Squish
Penny: Uh-uh
Brittany: Cicero
Tiffany: Liiiiiipschitz
Daria: Pop
Ms. Barch: Six
Stacy: Squish
Penny: Uh-uh
Brittany: Cicero
Tiffany: Liiiiipschitz
(They repeat their lines a few more times the music starts and the girls stop talking and start singing.)
All: They had it coming, they had it coming, they only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I bet you, you would have done the same.
(Daria's section of bars sinks down into the floor she steps out into the middle of up stage. She is wearing a black version of her green jacket worn open over a black tube top, a black pleated skirt that is only slightly shorter than her usual one, black sheer nylons, and her boots. In her hands she holds a pile of CDs.)
Daria: You know how some people just love the things you hate? Like… Quinn. Quinn liked to listen to a certain type of music. No. Not music. Pop!
(Daria throws one of the CDs onto the floor and steps on it, shattering it. She then begins to walk downstage throwing on CD at a time onto the floor in front of her and crushing it with her boot.)
Daria: So one day I'm just home from school, and I'm really irritated and I feel like banging my head against the wall…..and here comes Quinn…. walking down the hall…looking "cute" as always …..and humming a song. A pop song!
(When Daria mentions Quinn, the redhead enters from stage left in her own spotlight. She is wearing what is to come the outfit of all the murder victims, a black turtleneck and black slacks. She stands downstage left still standing in the middle of her own spotlight. She has a portable CD player in her hands and the headphones over her ears. She is bobbing to some unheard music and humming the tune though not loudly enough that the audience can hear that either. She seems to be oblivious to the presence of Daria and the hard look her sister is giving her.)
Daria: So I said to her, "Quinn, if you sing one more note of that song..."
(Quinn ignores Daria's warning and continues bobbing and humming.)
Daria: (Sigh) And she did. So, later that night, I burned some decent CDs with my burner...and burned Quinn with a gasoline fire.
(A wall of fire springs out of the down stage left area of the floor and engulfs Quinn in an impressive show of special effects. The fire stops a moment later but there is no trace of Quinn.)
All: She had it coming, she had it coming, she only had herself to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, you would have done the same.
(Daria retreats back to her corner and her bars rise back up as Ms. Barch's sink into the floor. Ms. Barch steps out. She is wearing a pair of black leggings, a black button down silk blouse, and a pair of strappy high- heeled sandals. When she starts talking Mr. O'Neill comes onstage and walks out to center stage. Ms. Barch starts walking towards him slowly as she's talking.)
Ms. Barch: I met Timothy O'Neil through a mutual friend, Angela Li, when I first moved here a decade ago. And he told me he was single. He sounded a little...spacey, but Skinny and I hit it off anyways.
(By this time she has reached the spot where Mr. O'Neill is standing. She kicks his legs out from under him in one swift motion and he crumples. She continues talking like nothing has happened.)
Ms. Barch: It was weird; I'd finally found a man who wasn't like the rest of those scumbags. Anyway, we decided to live together, at my house. We taught at Lawndale High together, and returned home together.
(Mr. O'Neill has started to stand back up by this point. Ms. Barch places on heel on his back and lightly pushes him back down with her shoe.)
Ms. Barch: We'd have dinner. But even after all these years, he never proposed to me. Well, I decided to take things into my own hands.
(She reaches down, grabs Mr. O'Neill by the hair with one hand, and tilts his head up so he's looking at her.)
Ms. Barch: Screw that old-fashioned crap, I says to him, so I'll do the proposing. Will you marry me?
(Mr. O'Neill looks alarmed; he shakes his head no adamantly)
Ms. Barch: But no. He turned me down. He turned me down six times! Well, the night of the sixth "no", I fluffed my pillow as usual before going to bed.
(She draws a red scarf out from an unseen pocket and covers Mr. O'Neill's face. He reaches up and tries to pry the scarf away from his face, and then he goes limp. Ms. Barch smiles.)
Ms. Barch: He stopped twitching after about six minutes, though, ironically...
All: He had it coming, he had it coming, he took a flower in its prime. And then he used it, and he abused it, it was a murder but not a crime.
(Ms. Barch goes back to her spot. Stacy's bars lower and she walks out to center stage. She is wearing a long sleeved top made out of leotard-like material that shows plenty of navel, short black shorts, black fishnet stockings, and black high heeled ankle boots. Her hair is down and she wears a black headband on her head. As she begins to talk the music fades until it is just playing softly in the background.)
Stacy: I was in the school bathroom one day, in front of the mirror, doing my daily after school beauty regimen and minding my own business, just like always. I had cut my last class and gotten there early to save a spot at the mirror for Sandi. Well, I had already finished my makeup and was working on my nails when in walks Sandi in a terrible mood.
(Sandi comes in from stage right. She crosses over to Stacy and begins circling her like a shark.)
Stacy: And then she began to take it out on me even though I hadn't done anything.
Sandi: Sta-cy I wanted you to save me a spot in the north bathroom's mirror, not the south bathroom's mirror.
(At this point Sandi stops circling Stacy, stopping in front of her, and then begins to walk up stage. Stacy backs away as she approaches. Their steps fall into rhythm.)
Sandi: Sta-cy those shoes don't match with your handbag, what do you want to do, embarrass the fashion club or something? Stacy, you are such a screw up. Can't you get anything right?
Stacy: She just kept criticizing and criticizing, I began to back down, like usual. But then I just decided I couldn't take it anymore...
(Stacy stops backing up and Sandi runs into her, then falls down with a long red scarf protruding from her midriff. Stacy steps lightly over Sandi's body and comes back to center stage. When she talks she is very calm, almost as if she is challenging any one to contradict her)
Stacy: Then she ran into my nail file. She ran into my nail file ten times.
All: If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I bet you, you would have done the same.
(Stacy goes back and Penny comes forward. She is dressed in a black leotard under a floor length black skirt that is slit all the way up on one side, black tights, and black ballet shoes. There is a long black scarf wrapped around her neck. Her background music is slower and more solemn then the rest's. As she tells her tale she dances a sort of ballet. All the desperation and franticness of trying to make someone understand her and believe what she is saying that was in the original version with Hunyak comes across. But Penny doesn't carry the same air of innocence that Hunyak did.)
Penny: ¿Yo mi inquirer, que pasa? Es possible, mi hombre tengo un amigo y es possible el amigo, um, cortarse la cabeza para sus hombros y morirse. O quizo mi hombre se muere, no se, señor federale, aqui in Mexico se dice mi muere el amigo de mi hombre. Se dice mi debe morir para el crimen.
Daria: (from her spot upstage) Yeah, but did you do it?
Penny: UH-UH, not guilty!
(Penny glides back into her spot. The girls start singing the chorus softly and slowly as Brittany comes forward. Brittany is wearing a black version of her cheerleader uniform and is carrying black pom-poms.)
Brittany: My friend, Angie and I did this double lead cheerleader thing…and my boyfriend, Kevvy, used to sit around and watch us, when he didn't have practice that is. Now, for end of our cheer, the part all football fans love, we did these 20 acrobatic thingies, one, two, three, four, five...splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, all in a row, and we didn't even fall down!
(As Brittany counts off the numbers she does different jumps and waves her pom-poms in different ways.)
Brittany: Well, this one night we were "studying" that guy, Cicero, the three of us. Kevvy was talking about QBing, and Angie and I were doin' little cheers, drinkin' Ultra Cola and havin' a few laughs. Then we ran out of ice and ridgy chips. So I went out to get some. I come back, open the door and there's Angie and Kevvy doing some cheer or another - the dirty one - the spread-eagle.
(As Brittany's been talking a large screen has been dropped covering the area of the stage behind her. When she says spread eagle a spot light shines from behind the sheet illuminating a silhouette of Kevin and Angie. It goes out a few seconds later and Brittany continues her story)
Brittany: Well, I started cryin' "Kevvy, how could you do this!", I completely blacked out.
(All the stage lights go out, and nothing can be seen. We still hear Brittany's voice talking even though we can't see her.)
Brittany: My head felt empty, but I knew I was angry. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my pompoms and out of my pigtails that I even knew they were dead.
(When she talks about washing the blood out of her pom-poms a small spotlight shines on the pom-poms she holds in her hands as red scarves tumble out of them. When she done talking the stage lights come back up and the music swells.)
Brittany: They had it coming. They had it coming. They had it coming all along. I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?
All (except Brittany): They had it coming, they had it coming, they took a flower in its prime. And then they used it and they abused it, it was a murder but not a crime.
(Brittany slinks back to her spot and Tiffany comes forward. She is wearing a button down shirt with only the middle few buttons buttoned so it shows plenty of navel and cleavage, a black miniskirt, and black high heels.)
Tiffany: I reeeally liked Robert "Lip" Schitz. Moooore than I ever liked anyone else.
(Robert comes out from stage right and meets Tiffany in the middle; they begin a slow tango around the stage.)
Tiffany: Everything went grrreat until one daaay when he took me shopping. As he loooked around nerrrvously, I tried on ouuutfit after ouuutfit. As I pulled on an adorable paaaair of capris, I tuuurned to him and said
(At this point Tiffany is in a deep dip)
Tiffany: Does this maaake me look faaat?
(Robert brings Tiffany out of the dip; he has a confused look on his face)
Tiffany: Instead of saaying no, he just saaaid, "Ma'am?"
(Robert lets go of one of Tiffany's hands and she spins out the length of his arm.)
Tiffany: Well, I stopped liking him aaafter that. Seeeee, he saw his life ruuushing before him.
(Tiffany spins back so she is hugged close to Robert's chest.)
Tiffany: Annnd I sawww him stumbling arouuuund with a clothes hanger throoough his heaaaart...
(Tiffany spins away again, this time breaking her connection with Robert. We see a red scarf coming out of Robert's chest. After she leaves him Robert stumbles off stage. For the last chorus all the gates lower and all the girls come forward to center stage.)
All: The dirty bum, bum, bum! The dirty bum, bum, bum! They had it coming, they had it coming, they had it coming all along. We didn't do it, but if we'd done it, how could you tell us that we were wrong?
(They all retreat back to their spots and all six gates rise back up as the music slows.)
Daria: If you sing one more note of that song.
Ms. Barch: I fluffed my pillow as usual.
Stacy: Ten times.
Penny: Not guilty.
Brittany: The spread eagle.
Tiffany: I stopped liking him aaafter that.
(The music swells for the last line)
All: How could you tell us that we were wrong?
THE END
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Credits
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Pop by: Mahna Mahna
Six by: Betting on Delusions
Squish by: Beth Ann
Uh-Uh by: Guy Payne
Cicero by: Scarlett
Lipschitz by: Betting on Delusions
Compilation and stage directions by: Beth Ann
Idea Girl: Mahna Mahna