CHRONOLOGICAL NOTE: This story comes after "Any Time At All", so it'd be a good idea to go read that first if you haven't already. Thanks to Heather, my sister and comedic consultant, for her help and suggestions (and yet it's still not funny . . .). THE KIDS AREN'T ALRIGHT By C. Murphy enola_r@hotmail.com SCENE ONE: Lawndale High, cafeteria, lunch time. Scene opens from the POV of a security camera, in black and white with the 'record' sign flashing. It's focused on Daria, who's in the cafeteria line. She leaves it, and as she carries her tray away the camera follows her. Sitting at the table next to Jane's are Jodie, Mack, Brittany and Kevin. Jodie waves at Daria, then motions for her to come to sit at the table with them. Daria waves back, then goes to sit with Jane. A hand (in colour) slams down across the scene, and we realise we're now watching the scene on a closed-circuit TV. Pan away to reveal Mrs. Manson watching the set at her desk. MANSON: That's your last chance Morgendorffer! Cut to down in the cafeteria, Daria and Jane's conversation. DARIA: Hang on a minute, how are you going to rule *all* the people after you've taken over the world? JANE: That's not the point Daria! The plan is to kill all my enemies in the war - then I take off in the spaceship provided by the aliens. DARIA: The aliens? JANE: Yeah, they've been talking to me for ages. DARIA: Uhuh . . . JANE: First contact was made when I was tripping out on paint thinner. DARIA: Riiight. JANE: So after all my years of loyal service, they're going to pay me back by helping me to sneak away after wreaking misery on my fellow humans. DARIA: Speaking of sneaking away, guess who I saw climbing out her window last night. JANE: Did you get any pictures? DARIA: Worse luck, I was out of film. JANE: So why didn't she just use the front door like a normal person? DARIA: Credit card bill arrived. Mom said no dating Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. JANE: Desperate times call for desperate measures. DARIA: Well, I'll have film tonight. JANE: Ah, the sweet smell of blackmail. SCENE TWO: law firm, Helen's office, that afternoon. Helen is working at her desk, and Marriane at hers. The phone rings, and Marriane picks up. After answering, she turns to Helen. MARRIANE: School on the phone. HELEN: (Doesn't look up) Usual answer. MARRIANE: They want to talk to you. (Helen sighs noisily and picks up the phone) HELEN: Yes? Hello? (Cut to split screen between Helen and Mrs. Manson) MANSON: Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is Mrs. Manson, the school's psychologist. I'm calling about your daughter, Daria. HELEN: Whatever she did, I'm sure - MANSON: It's not something she's done, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Rather, she's done nothing. HELEN: I beg your pardon? MANSON: Daria hasn't been making much progress in the friendship department. In fact, the only time I've seen her with a new friend is when she joined the yearbook committee. HELEN: Well, what do you want *me* to do about it? MANSON: There are many things you can do Mrs. Morgendorffer! Such as encouraging her to join more clubs, groups - HELEN: Well, Daria prefers to do things on her own, actually . . . MANSON: We can't have that Mrs. Morgendorffer! Life is a *team* effort, no pikers allowed! HELEN: Actually, she *was* on the school newspaper at Highland, maybe I could get her to join the one here. MANSON: Good, good, thankyou for your time Mrs. Morgendorffer! HELEN: Oh, that's quite alright. (Mrs. Manson hangs up, split screen dissolves) SCENE THREE: Morgendorffer house, dinner table, that evening. The family has finished eating, Daria is getting up to put her plate in the dishwasher. HELEN: Daria, do you remember when you were on the school newspaper at Highland? DARIA: Please, Mom, the only time I want to think about that is in therapy 20 years from now. HELEN: But you had friends when you were on the paper! DARIA: I wouldn't call them that. HELEN: (Irritated) All right then, you interacted with people! DARIA: I wouldn't call them that either. HELEN: (Tightly) Daria, I want you to join the school newspaper. (Daria begins to shake her head, Helen interrupts) HELEN: I just want you to think about it! (Daria walks out of the room) HELEN: (Surprised) Daria! What are you doing?! DARIA: (OS, calling back) I'm going to go think about it! (Helen looks irritated at having just been thwarted) (Cut to Daria's room, a short while later. Daria is sitting on her bed, watching Sick Sad World) SSW ANNOUNCER: Subliminal mind control! The Taco Bell Dog: just a cute Chihuahua or one sick puppy?! Next on Sick Sad World! DARIA: (Picks up the remote, hits 'mute') I never trusted that dog. (Quinn knocks on Daria's door and comes in) QUINN: (Sing-song voice) Oh Dar-ri-a! DARIA: The musical auditions are down the hall Quinn. (Quinn walks over) QUINN: (Starts off sweetly, but ends up threatening) Daria, I was in the cafeteria today, and I couldn't help over hearing a conversation. A conversation which mentioned *you* being at a party the Friday before last. With that Marilyn Manson chick Mom like totally told you not to hang out with. (She looks at Daria pointedly. Daria stares back blankly) QUINN: Well?! DARIA: Well . . . ? QUINN: (Exasperated) Well, do you deny it?! DARIA: I have a better question Quinn: will you deny to Mom that you were on a date last night? QUINN: (Suspiciously) What evidence do you have? DARIA: Only my word, dear sister, but I do have the advantage of being the *pierceless* older sister. QUINN: (Eyes narrowing) Okay, you got me there Daria, but there *will* be a next time! (Quinn storms out) DARIA: (Picks up remote, switches off 'mute') Yeah, that's what you say to all your dates in the lowest tax bracket too. SCENE FOUR: Lane house, Jane's room, next afternoon. Daria is sitting on the bed while Jane works at her easel. DARIA: What're you working on? JANE: "Anathema". DARIA: (Pretends to be offended) Hey, what'd I ever do to you? JANE: No, it's what I called the Evan painting. (For those of you who don't know what anathema means . . . go look it up!) DARIA: Nice choice of words. (She gets up and walks over to Jane. Show caricature of Evan being tested on by aliens) DARIA: I see you have friends in high places. JANE: Like I said before, they're rewarding me for my loyal service. DARIA: What *exactly* do you do for them anyway? JANE: Oh, you know, the usual. Teach them our ways, pass on information, direct them to cornfields etc., etc. DARIA: Passing on information seems to be a trait in my family. I've got Quinn threatening to, and Mom urging me to. JANE: You lost me. DARIA: Quinn found out that I went to that party with Andrea and she's now trying to blackmail me. Mom, for some obscure reason, want me to join the Lowdown. JANE: Well, you're not short of cash and not our resident star reporter, so - Daria Morgendorffer, how do you do it? DARIA: Simple: lie. JANE: There you have it folks! Un-valuable pearls of wisdom from our very own teenage cynic! SCENE FIVE: Morgendorffer house, Daria's room, about 6 o'clock. Daria's on her bed, reading a book. She turns a page as the phone rings. QUINN: (OS) It's for me! I'll get it! (The phone doesn't ring again. A few moments later, cut to Quinn at Daria's door, cordless in hand, a scowl on her face) DARIA: Don't tell me - Sandi's stepping down as president. You're devastated. QUINN: (Sour) It's for *you*, that weird girl you hang out with. *Don't* hog the line, I'm expecting *three* calls. DARIA: (Reaching for her receiver) One for each of your heads? (Quinn glares and slams the door shut behind her) DARIA: Hi Jane. JANE: (VO) Yo, Daria. Quinn didn't sound too pleased to hear me. DARIA: Don't take it personally, you have to have at least a car or Gold credit card for Quinn to notice your existence on earth. (Cut to Quinn walking down the stairs) QUINN: (Thought VO) I've got to get evidence on Daria, but how? (Cut to close up of Helen's dictaphone) QUINN: Perfect! (Cut to Quinn in the kitchen, holding the dictaphone up to the earpiece of the cordless. The 'record' light is flashing, she has a crafty look on her face. Cut to split screen between Daria and Jane on the phone) JANE: I can't believe you actually went to that party with Andrea, Daria. DARIA: My mind just goes to pieces without you. JANE: So I see. DARIA: But you could also say it was an act of teen rebellion. JANE: Some rebellion! You ended up doing exactly what you told your mother you were doing! (Cut back to Quinn in the kitchen: her grin broadens substantially. Suddenly we hear the front door open) HELEN: (OS) Hellooo! I'm home! (Quinn looks alarmed, switches off the dictaphone, hangs up the cordless and high-tails it out of there. Helen comes in, puts down her briefcase and notices the dictaphone on the table. She picks it up, rewinds it a bit, then presses 'play') JANE: (VO) . . . you actually went to that party with Andrea, Daria. (Helen looks infuriated. She opens her mouth. Quick cut away to Daria's room, she's still on the phone) HELEN: (OS) *DARIA*!! DARIA: (Quickly) Gotta go, bye! (Cut to the lounge room where Helen is waiting and Quinn is looking on smugly. Daria joins them) HELEN: (Quietly seething) You went to that party. The one I *strictly* forbade you to. DARIA: (Surprised) How did you . . . ? QUINN: (Triumphantly) I taped your phone conversation! HELEN: Shut up Quinn! (Turns to Daria) As punishment, Daria, you're going to join the school newspaper. (Daria looks to protest) HELEN: No buts about it! Now go to your room! (Daria leaves. Helen turns to Quinn and grabs her by the ear) HELEN: As for *you* young lady! (Begins to drag her OS) Don't you *know* taping of phone conversations is illegal in all 50 states?!* QUINN: (OS) Watch the hair! Watch the hair! COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: Quinn's smile broadening as she tapes the phone conversation. CUT TO COMMERCIALS SCENE SIX: Lawndale High, a non-descript classroom, after school. Daria has her hand on the door handle, about to go in. DARIA: And so our intrepid adventurer prepared to step into the jaws of hell. (She sighs, and then opens the door and walks in. Cut to inside the classroom. There are a few kids working industrially on their stories, a low hum of noise in the background. Jodie approaches Daria) JODIE: Um, Daria? Did you leave something in here? DARIA: No, I've . . . come to join. (Abrupt halt in background noise. Every head turns to Daria. Mr O'Neill runs up to Daria, and everyone goes back to work) O'NEILL: That's *great* Daria! I'm so pleased that you've decided to turn your writing to something more *productive*! DARIA: Are you saying that prior to this I've been squandering my talent? O'NEILL: *No*! No, no, no, no! I - I didn't mean that at all. DARIA: What *did* you mean then? O'NEILL: I . . . uh, well, I . . . Oh God! I can't take this anymore! (Mr. O'Neill breaks down crying and then runs away. Daria smiles a little) JODIE: I wish you wouldn't tease him like that. We have a deadline tomorrow. DARIA: Something tells me you'll survive. (They move over to a desk and sit down) JODIE: So, what do you want to do? DARIA: Annihilate my mother. JODIE: I mean for the paper. We could give you a column. DARIA: I have a feeling if it doesn't discuss dating or clothes it won't be well received. JODIE: Okay then, well, we could always use another feature article writer. DARIA: Sure. I don't happen to get paid, do I? (Jodie just looks at Daria) SCENE SEVEN: Lane house, Jane's room, that afternoon. Daria is lying on Jane's bed, a la "Quinn the Brain". Jane is, as per usual in my fics, at her easel. JANE: So, was it as bad as you expected? DARIA: Worse. Take a look at my first assignment. (She hands Jane a sheet of paper) JANE: (Reading the sheet) "Write an article on former Lawndale High Schoolers who have become successful." Let me guess - Ms. Li thought this one up? DARIA: Who else? Look at those addresses though! They're all over town! How am I going to get there? JANE: If these people are so successful, what're they still doing in *Lawndale*? DARIA: (Sits up) I have a feeling Ms. Li hasn't really done her homework - I mean, have you ever heard of Carrie-Anne Lewis? JANE: Yeah sure, she was a cheerleader a few years back. She won all sorts of competitions. DARIA: I mean *outside* Lawndale High. JANE: Um . . . nope. DARIA: So, anyway, back to my original problem - how am I going to get to all these places? JANE: You could ask your mom to drive you. DARIA: And be indebted to her? I think not. JANE: (Yenta gleam in her eye) So, you need someone with a car, driving skills, who you can stand being around all day . . . DARIA: (Warningly) Jane . . . JANE: Oh come on Daria, what choice do you really have? DARIA: (Sighs) None I guess. JANE: (Pulling Daria up off the bed) Come on Miss Daisy, he's in his usual habitat. (Cut to downstairs in the basement. Trent is asleep, sprawled out on the couch) JANE: (Shaking him) Yo, Aurora**! Wake up! TRENT: I *promise* I'll pay you back Luigi! Just give me time! JANE: Well that explains the new amp . . . TRENT: (Slightly embarrassed) Hey Janey, hey Daria. JANE: Trent, Daria has a business proposition for you. (She pushes Daria in front of her) DARIA: Um, I need to utilise your car and driving skills. TRENT: Huh? JANE: Daria's got an article to write for the school paper and she needs you to chauffeur her to the interviews. TRENT: Oh, ok, when do you need me? DARIA: This Saturday ok? TRENT: Sure. I'll pick you up around . . . whenever. DARIA: Ok, see you then. SCENE EIGHT: Morgendorffer house, lounge room, about 6 o'clock. Daria walks in to Quinn holding a pile of paper that Helen is adding to. DARIA: (to Quinn) Shouldn't you be on a date? HELEN: No Daria, tonight Quinn is helping me sort out my work. (To Quinn) Now go alphabetise that. (Quinn walks OS, throwing a scowl at Daria as she leaves) DARIA: I knew it had to happen sometime. HELEN: What did? DARIA: That you'd discover a way to combine mother-daughter bonding, punishment *and* work all in a single afternoon. HELEN: (A little testily) Was there something you wanted Daria? DARIA: Yeah. Can I have 20 bucks? HELEN: What for? DARIA: Expenses. For the paper. HELEN: (Grudgingly) Okay. (Hands over a twenty dollar bill) DARIA: (Taking it) Thanks. (She leaves) SCENE NINE: Morgendorffer house, living room, mid-Saturday morning. There's no one in it: we have a shot of the front door. The doorbell rings. QUINN: (OS) I'll get it! HELEN: (OS) You will not! You'll come back here and type up these letters. QUINN: (OS) Uugghh! What did your *last* slave die of?! HELEN: (OS) She hasn't yet - get back to work! (Daria walks across the screen, a dictaphone in hand, to answer the door) DARIA: *I'll* get it. (Daria opens the door: it's Trent) DARIA: Oh good. You've come to take me from this hell. Now on to the other one. SCENE TEN: Trent's car, pulling up at the first address. It's a house, fairly big but it doesn't look very expensive. TRENT: So, who're you interviewing? DARIA: Carrie-Anne Lewis. TRENT: I remember her. She was in the grade above me at school. DARIA: What was she like? (Both open their doors) TRENT: Oh, the usual blonde bombshell stereotype. (Both get out) DARIA: Great, Brittany's predecessor. (They walk up to the door and ring the bell. It's answered by a woman, about 23, in a decidedly provocative outfit and garish make up) CARRIE-ANNE: (Brittany-voice) Hi, what can I do for you?! (Trent looks surprised, then bemused by her appearance and behaviour) DARIA: (Thought VO) Put some clothes on? (Out loud) I'm Daria Morgendorffer, from the Lawndale High newspaper - CARRIE-ANNE: I used to go to that school! DARIA: Yeah, that's why we're here. I need to interview you for an article. CARRIE-ANNE: Oh well, I need to get to the set soon, so can we make it quick?! DARIA: (Clicks on the dictaphone) So you work on a film set? CARRIE-ANNE: Yup! I'm the star! DARIA: Have you been in any other films? CARRIE-ANNE: Uhuh, two others! DARIA: What were they called? CARRIE-ANNE: Now lets see . . . my *first* one was "Throbbing Bodies", the *second* was "Revenge of the Leather-Loving Biker Chicks", and this one's called "Copulating Cops"! (There's a pause in which Daria and Trent just raise their eyebrows) DARIA: Ohhkay, do you do anything else? CARRIE-ANNE: Well, I *was* working at Hooters, but now I'm a dancer! DARIA: Exotic? CARRIE-ANNE: How'd you guess?! Oh, I know! It's my body isn't it?! Johnny, my manager, thought I was an exotic dancer when I first signed up, he's who got me into this work! DARIA: Obviously a man with an eye for talent. (Trent smirks) CARRIE-ANNE: Yeah! Oh, I gotta go now! Don't miss me in the sequel to "Copulating Cops" - "Fornicating Feds"! DARIA: It's right under "Clueless" in my list of must-see movies. CARRIE-ANNE: Thanks! Bye! (She dashes back inside the house) (Trent and Daria just look at each other, then shake their heads) COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: Everyone turning to Daria at the paper. CUT TO COMMERCIALS SCENE ELEVEN: A pretty seedy apartment block on (*gasp*) the wrong side of town. Trent's car pulls up, cut to inside. DARIA: (Just about to get out of the car) Coming? TRENT: Nah . . . Me and Tom . . . bad history . . . don't go there, man. (Daria shrugs and get out of the car. Cut to outside, she walks up the steps to the intercom panel. Daria presses the button next to the name 'Thomas Richard-Henry') DARIA: Somehow I imagined something ritzier for a hyphened surname. (She clicks on the dictaphone, holds it up to the intercom) THOMAS: (VO, from the intercom) You got the stuff? DARIA: Excuse me? THOMAS: (VO) Err . . . you didn't hear that! Who is this? DARIA: I'm Daria Morgendorffer, from the Lawndale High - THOMAS: (VO) Ohh, a school kid. You here to buy? DARIA: (Cornering him) Buy *what*, exactly? THOMAS: (VO) Uhh, nevermind! DARIA: Look, I'm here to do an article for the school paper. Can I come up to interview you? THOMAS: (VO) Wait a minute . . . you're not from the narcotics department, are you? DARIA: Why would it matter? THOMAS: (VO, to someone else in the apartment) Christ! The police! Hide the stuff man! DARIA: If you're going to tell your partner to 'hide the stuff', I'd take my finger off the intercom button. THOMAS: (VO) Thanks man! DARIA: Yeah, whatever, bye. (She walks away and gets in the car. As it begins to drive away, Thomas opens his window and sticks his head out) THOMAS: Hey Lane! You still owe me money! (Cut to shot of inside the car. Trent looks faintly embarrassed, Daria slightly amused) SCENE TWELVE: A terrace house, downtown Lawndale, same day. Daria and Trent are on the doorstep. Daria knocks on the door. A man opens it, looking irritated, holding a coil of rope in his hand. MAN: (Shortly) Yes? DARIA: (Wearily) Are you David O. Adams? DAVID: Not for long. Look, can you go away? I'm tied up at the moment. (He begins to shut the door, but Daria snaps and stops him) DARIA: (Through gritted teeth) Let's try this again, shall we? *Hello*, I'm Daria Morgendorffer. I have to do an article for the Lawndale High school newspaper. My last *two* interviews have been deadends and - DAVID: So will I be! (David slams the door shut, leaving Daria stunned. After a moment, it opens again) DAVID: (Shortly) You want a quote?! Here's an anagram for you: (holds up the coil of rope) "Desperation - a rope ends it"! (He slams the door shut again) SCENE THIRTEEN: Another run-down apartment. Daria is just about to press the intercom button, Trent is beside her, when the window of the closest downstairs apartment flies open. A middle-aged woman sticks her head out. WOMAN: Who ya lookin' for? DARIA: Joan Smith. WOMAN: She joined the orchestra. DARIA: (Surprised) She did? WOMAN: Yup. Bout three weeks ago it was. Just left. Didn't see it happen meself, but before I saw these men come round with violin cases. Real snazzy they looked, what with their suits an' all. DARIA: Uh, thanks. (The woman nods and then shuts the window) DARIA: (To herself) Luigi strikes again. TRENT: Oh man. Joan and I went years back . . . I never picked her as the muso type. SCENE FOURTEEN: A café, same day. Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" plays faintly. Trent and Daria walk in and take a seat at a table. Daria thunks her head down on the table. TRENT: (Alarmed) Daria? Look, Daria, I'm sure it'll be okay. Don't worry . . . DARIA: (Looks up) What? Oh, no, it's not that, it's just they're playing that damn "Titanic" song. (Trent chuckles) DARIA: (Sighs) But I am kinda stuffed. I've hardly got material for an article singing Lawndale's praises. TRENT: Well, uh, you *could* interview me. DARIA: (Thinks for a minute) Well, admittedly Trent, you haven't had the greatest success . . . TRENT: I'm in a band, we play depressing music . . . I could be Jonathan Davis! DARIA: (Laughs) Okay. (Gets out dictaphone, clicks it on) Would you say your time at Lawndale High helped with your success? TRENT: Hell no! (Pause) Oh, whoops. I'm not supposed to say that, am I? DARIA: (Broad smile) No, that's okay. You just gave me the angle on my story. SCENE FIFTEEN: Lawndale High, Ms. Li's office, the day the Lowdown is printed. Ms. Li is sitting at her desk, reading the paper. She looks pretty pissed. LI: (Reading aloud) "Lawndale High not only did nothing for the ex-students, but also, in many cases, hindered their chances of success in the real world,". (To herself) That little - ! (She pushes the PA system button) LI: Daria Morgendorffer! My office - right now! (Cut to Daria and Jane sitting at their desks, having heard the announcement) JANE: Bust-ed. (Cut back to Ms. Li's office. Daria has arrived) LI: (Foaming at the mouth [metaphorically]) *Ms.* Morgendorffer, what you have done not *only* mars your own image, but brings ill re*pute* on Laaawwndale High! You are *nothing* Ms. Morgendorffer, *nothing*! How you expected to get *away* with this is *beyond* me! *I* am the boss here Ms. Morgendorffer, the boss over *you*! And you're *nothing*! You will *remember* that! What am I?! DARIA: The boss over nothing. LI: Uugghh! You - you are next to an *idiot* Ms. Morgendorffer! DARIA: Alright then, I'll move. LI: Ms. *Morgendorffer*! You are hereby no *longer* on the newspaper staff! DARIA: Ms. Li, listen closely, for this is the first and last time I will ever say this, bar your resignation: thank you. (She leaves) SCENE SIXTEEN: Lane house, Jane's room, after school. They're watching Sick Sad World. SSW ANNOUNCER: The people who *actually* watch this show! Next on Sick Sad World! JANE: (Hits 'mute', turns to Daria) They're turning on us, Daria. The apocalypse is nigh! DARIA: I'll go get the semi-automatics. (Trent appears at the door) TRENT: Luigi been cracking down on you too Daria? JANE: Nope, Ms. Li. D'you hear? She kicked Daria off the paper because of the article. TRENT: Oh, I'm sorry Daria. DARIA: Don't be, I'm not. JANE: In fact, Daria's so happy, she's going to take us all out for pizza to celebrate, with the $20 her mom gave her, right Daria? (Unnoticed by the two girls, Trent suddenly gets a shocked and confused expression on his face) DARIA: I have a feeling 'no' is not an option. JANE: Yer damn right it's not. You coming Trent? TRENT: (Snaps out of his reverie) What? Uh, no, I think I'll just stay here. I've got some fun to do. You go have practice. (Pause) Sorry . . . other way round . . . bye. (He leaves) JANE: Okay, bye! (She throws a bemused look at Daria. Cut to outside Jane's room. Trent is looking at the back of his hand, a look of wonderment on his face) (Cut to close up of Trent's hand: we see an ever-familiar rash developing there . . .) CUT TO ALTER EGOS AND CREDITS "The Kids Aren't Alright" The Offspring When we were young, the future was so bright, whoa The old neighbourhood was so alive, whoa And every kid on the whole damn street, whoa Was gonna make it big and not be beat Now, the neighbourhood's cracked and torn, whoa The kids are grown up, but their lives are worn, whoa How can one little street Swallow so many lives Chorus: Chances thrown, nothing's free Longing for what used to be Still, it's hard, hard to see Fragile lives, shattered dreams Jamie had a chance, well, she really did, whoa Instead, she dropped out and had a couple of kids, whoa Mark still lives at home 'cause he's got no job, whoa He just plays guitar and smokes a lotta pot Jay committed suicide, whoa Brandon OD'd and died, whoa What the Hell is going on The cruellest dream, reality CHORUS Go! CHORUS NOTES: I'm sorry if I made any mistakes with the Lowdown. I live in Australia, so I don't have access to either of the Daria books or accurate knowledge of how an American school newspaper works (or an Australian one, for that matter). What you see here has been gleaned from imported American teen shows. * I have no idea if this law is true or not, (probably not, I just made it up). ** 'Aurora', as far as I know, is the real name of Sleeping Beauty. Please email me with any comments (if you don't, I'll have to get down on my knees and beg, and that ain't a pretty sight).