The Insubordinator

The Insubordinator (A Daria Fanfic)
by
Daniel Timothy Dey

Disclaimer #1: Some of what you are about to read is supposed to take place in Season Number Five. However since it was originally conceived on June 23, 2000, everything you already know about the proper fifth season of Daria should be overlooked in order for this to work.

Plot Summary: Lawndale High gets a new kid, who's got a bad habit of talking back to the faculty. This trait proves to be quite admirable to many of the students, including Daria, as he tells off teachers like Ms. Barch, and Ms. Li. But where does his hostility come from? Will we find out when Daria is forced to tutor him by Mr. O'Neill? Meanwhile, Mystik Spiral is teaming up with a more successful ska band for a duet album.

STANDARD DARIA THEME SONG AND SEQUENCES.

Scene One/Act One:
(Shot of Casa Lane, with music blaring from the basement, then Jane's room)
The same ritual -- Jane paints, Daria writes, as usual.

Jane: "So, did you decide which conspiracy theory you were going to debunk for your homework assignment tonight?"
Daria: "It was a tough decision, but I went along with an easy one. The myth that the Apollo 11 Moon Landing was a hoax."
Jane: "Oh, so disproving racial and ethnic supremacy is too difficult, huh? I say it's probably true. America was losing the Vietnam War and needed something to boost the world's confidence in freedom. So they marched down to Area 51 and staged this whole fake moon landing to try to win the public's hearts and minds."
Daria: "If that were the case, the Soviet Union would be exposing this so-called fake moon landing to the world right after we landed there."
Jane: "Damn. You always find a way to spoil popular opinion."
Daria: "Oh, that's not the only fact I'm going to use."

(An interesting set of notes begins emitting from the basement. Quite unusual for Mystik Spiral's sound.)

Daria: "Is that my imagination, or has Mystik Spiral converted into a ska band?"
Jane: "Neither. Trent agreed to get the band to do a duet with a more successful local band. And they happen to be into ska."(1)
Daria: "I'm surprised he was able to convince the rest of the band to go along with it."

Scene Two:
(The Lane basement)
Mystik Spiral is in the basement, but they're not performing. Instead a seven-man ska-reggae band of three mulattos, two blacks and two whites is playing while the Spiral supervises. The band teaming up with Mystik Spiral is finishing up their cover of "Mr. Normal," as Daria & Jane are entering the basement.

Ska Musicians(singing): "Hey, Mr. Normal. It was YOU!!"

Jane: "That song does transcend every counter-culture, doesn't it?"
Daria: "Too bad it'll eventually be watered-down and commercialized, so it can be used as a jingle to sell luxury performance sedans and sport utility vehicles."
Trent: "Not too soon, I hope. Perhaps when we're dead, or too old to rock."
Sax-O-Geranium: "Hey, if it's good enough for the people, it shouldn't be commercialized at all."
Jane: "Daria, meet The Golden Drying Board?"
Daria: "'The Golden Drying Board?' What kind of a name is that?"
Q.T. Ugly: "If you think that's a bad name, we used to call ourselves 'The Arthur Bremer Society'." (2)
Daria: "Sounds too much like 'Jodie Foster's Army,' huh?"
Q.T.: "Errr, yeah."
Fishplant: "Q.T. Ugly's the name of my bass player, and this is my band. You see, we think ska has lost a lot of its reggae origins, and has inadvertently fueled the swing revival of the 1990's. Our band is dedicated to recapturing those origins, but for now we decided to team up with a band from our hometown that we like, and Mystik Spiral is it."
Max: "The concept of the album is for us to do grunge versions of Golden Drying Board songs, and for them to do ska versions of Spiral songs."
Trent: "...Plus some team-ups, original works, and other stuff."
Q.T.: "You guys ever do any cover tunes?"
Trent: "Normally, no. But we've got a faster version of 'Heart-Shaped Box,' by Nirvana."
Jesse: "With a longer instrumental break."
Fishplant: "Alright, man. I think we can handle that. Let's start the recording."
Jane: "So, do you guys have a name for this proposed album?"
Daria: "How about, 'The Empty Promises of a Fuller Life'?"
Trent(laughing, then coughing): "Good one, Daria. We should use it for The Spiral's next album."

Scene Three:
[Song: "Heart-Shaped Box," by Nirvana].
(Next Morning, Lawndale High)

Ms. Barch: "Class, we have a new student. Meet Harry Whitford."
(Camera turns to a skinny white boy with a dirty-blonde mop-top, wearing blue jeans and a blank, medium-blue tee shirt with a pocket on his chest.)
Harry(raising his hand, casually): "Hi."
Ms. Barch(suddenly snapping): "Alright, that's enough from you!"
(Harry is surprised and annoyed at this unwarranted attack).
Ms. Barch: "Now today we're going to talk about the East African Widowbird; The East African Widowbird comes from the grebe family, and is named because of its mating habits. (begins ranting) The usual male habits of running around, sowing his wild oats, and leaving the mate with neglected children, to fool around with some floozy-bird, who's still in college, and was recently elected Playmate of the Year!"
(Ms. Barch suddenly zeros in on Harry).
Ms. Barch: "Shut up, you man!"
Harry: "Hey, I didn't say anything."
Ms. Barch(screeching): "SHUT UP!!"
Harry: "But I..."
Ms. Barch: "I said shut your lying, cheating two-timing, widow-making trap!!"
(Harry is now disgusted with her attitude toward him)
Harry: "Ahh, Ram it up your hole!!"
(class is horrified)
Ms. Barch: "You dare talk back to me?"
Harry: "What? You've never had a kid do it before? Well maybe some of them should start giving it a try!"
(class becomes more excited, some are horrified, but others are impressed)
Daria: "Looks like this boy thinks he can stand up to the Wrath of Barch."
Jane: "I'd say he's doing a pretty good job of it so far."

(Janet grabs something off a yellow pad of paper, takes an ink pad and a stamp which we later find is customized with her signature on it. We now see that the yellow piece of paper is a detention slip. She approaches Harry and grabs him by the shoulders, putting that slip of paper in his pocket.)

Ms. Barch: "Take this to the principal's office right now! The directions are on the back, assuming you men can follow them!"
Harry: "Nice knowing you, Ms. Bitch."

(Harry walks out with his back turned and two obscene gestures high over his head. A few kids laugh, some kids gasp and others groan.)

Scene Four:
(The Halls of Lawndale High, Daria's locker & vicinity)
Daria opens her locker and finds a bouquet of flowers in a six-ounce cup and a flattering note that reads "I knew girls as lovely as you existed, but I never knew I'd actually meet one. Signed, A. Friend." She closes her locker, turns her head and sees Upchuck, who's smiling semi-innocently.

Daria: "I suppose you know what I think of these flowers, Upchuck…and where you can stick them."
Upchuck: "I told you before, I'm over you, Daria. Not that you're not an attractive woman, but as you recall, I did meet somebody during that football game with Highland, a while back."(3)
Daria(grabs his neck preparing to strangle him): "How do I know that you're not just adding her and I to that harem you've always wanted?"
Upchuck(gagging): "Because I no longer feel the need for a harem."
Daria(loosening her grip slightly): "Keep talking."
Upchuck: "When a man acts the way I do, it's usually to win the hand of a woman he seeks. You meet my standards, but so does Donna Tilove. She just happens to appreciate me for who I am, therefore I have no motive to try to win your heart, or the heart of any other young lady at this school."
(Daria is still suspicious, but realizes he has a point)
Daria: "Alright, I'll let go. But you have to promise that if you two break up, you won't turn to me or Jane when you're on the rebound."

(camera widens to reveal Ms. Li approaching)
Ms. Li: "Miss Morgendorffer! How dare you try to strangle that boy! He's got an important football game to announce this weekend. I'm afraid you'll have to come with me."

Scene Five:
[Song: "Your Number or Your Name," by The Knack.].
(Jane's House, Jane's Room)
Like Scene one, Jane's painting while Daria's doing homework.

Jane: "And you're sure Upchuck's not your secret admirer."
Daria: "Not entirely. But he did have a plausible alibi, so I let it slide. That was when Ms. Li caught me."
Jane: "Yeah, I heard. So, how was your first time by yourself in after-school detention?"
Daria: "It's not my first time. Anyway, it was boring, tedious, and it put me to sleep. So I'd say it was just like the rest of our school day."
Jane: "I'm glad you've got some sense of what a trip to the principal's office is really like, so I wouldn't have to prove to you it's not like a dungeon. "
Daria: "I knew it long before I joined you in your controversial artistic excursions."(4)
Jane(with one eyebrow cocked): "Yeah. Too bad you never joined me in my controversial petty teenage vandalism and arson excursions."

(The conversation is interrupted by some music from downstairs. It's Mystik Spiral, but they're not doing a Mystik Spiral song.)

Jane: "Speaking of which, would you care to go downstairs?"
Daria: "Why not. There's nothing better to do."
(Both leave the room)

Scene Six:
(The Lane Basement)
Not merely a rehearsal, but a recording this time.

Trent(singing): "You always brag about how you're a product of the We Generation.
Don't try to fool me, you're an overhyped version of the 'Me' Generation.
You claim you stopped the war, but you just let the victims die
You turned away from integration, at South Boston High.
And this was after you bragged, about integrating Little Rock,
When you were too young to do anything."

(Music ends here, as Fishplant turns the tape recorder off and claps slowly.)

Fishplant: "Cool climax. Now move over."

(Daria and Jane arrive in the basement, as Mystik Spiral moves away from the microphones and The Golden Drying Board takes their place)

Trent: "What kind of Spiral tune are you going to do next?"
Mr. Winston Boy: "Fishplant hasn't told us."
Jesse: "You're still deciding?"
Jane: "How about 'Icebox Woman?' Did you do that yet?"
Daria: "Better than another lame cover of 'Baby I love Your Way'."
Trent: "Oh. Hey, Janey. Hey Daria."
Daria & Jane: "Hey."
Trent: "I don't see why you can't give that a shot."
(Golden Drying Board members mutter to each other in lapsed agreement)
Fishplant: "Okay, but you've got to do 'Rocket Show' next."
Jesse: "How did you come up with that song?"
Fishplant: "Neally O'Healey was a Navy brat. When he was a kid and his Dad was stationed in Florida and The Bahamas, he used to watch rocket launches from Cape Canaveral, ranging from Space Shuttle launches to ordinary unmanned rockets."
Neally O'Healey: "Some of which the government didn't want people knowing too much about."
Daria: "Laser-guided anti-missile satellites, perhaps?"
Neally O'Healey: "Could've been. Most of the time I didn't even know what was being sent up."
Fishplant: "Switch on the mic, Trent." (he does so) "Icebox Woman, take one."(Fishplant snaps his fingers)

(Upbeat ska music begins)
Fishplant: "Giddyupgiddyupgiddyup."
(music continues)
Fishplant(singing): "You an angel in black,
you sure have a knack,
for putting my heart on the shelf in de back,
I'm waiting my turn, oh, when will I learn?
My poor heart, you give it freezer burn...
Awww, Yeah..."

(Music stops abruptly. Mystik Spiral, Golden Drying Board, Daria & Jane look at each other awkwardly)

Trent: "Hmm. Are you sure 'Icebox Woman' works as a ska or reggae song?"
Fishplant: "You're right that didn't turn out so good.(bands mutter in agreement) What do you say we slow it down and skank it up a bit?"

Scene Seven:
(The Morgendorffer dinner table)
A rare scene -- Daria and Quinn are sitting down at the table reading their usual tastes in literature, Jake is cooking up one of his weird meals, with Lasagna on the side incase it fails, and Helen actually has some time to relax! So she uses it to bring "communication" to the table, all the while scheming to work Daria's recent mild trouble at school into the conversation.

Helen: "Since I actually have some free time tonight, I thought I'd use it by finding out if anything interesting happened at work or school today."
Quinn: "Well, there's this new kid at school. I think he's a senior. But anyway, he's always getting in trouble, telling off teachers, giving everyone obscene gestures, and things like that. He makes a total spectacle of himself."
Daria: "As opposed to making a spectacle of yourself by trying to look like some of the models in 'Waif' magazine."
Helen: "Daria, do you know anything about this new boy?"
Daria: "Well, since he pisses off the teachers, he can't be all bad."
Helen: "That should be no surprise, coming from a girl who received detention in school today."
Daria: "I take it you got the obligatory call from school. If you did, then you also know I was able to convince her of my innocence, so she let me go."
Helen: "I'm glad, but I still think it's incredible that a smart girl who enjoys being alone like you tends to fall in with such a disrespectful crowd."
Daria: "I think it's incredible how the generation that's been bragging for years about how it defied authority is now claiming it had respect for it."
(Helen cocks an eyebrow at Daria.)
Jake: "Who here wants to try my New Orleans Duck L'Orange Surprise?"
Quinn(mortified): "Dah-ad! Ewww!"
Daria: "Why not invite Corporal Ellenbogen over and serve it to him? He won't be able to leave the toilet for the next five days. Then when he's at his most vulnerable moment, Pow." (All giving Daria a dirty look) "Hey, I'm just trying to help."

Scene Eight:
[Song: "I Hated School," by The Wretched Ones.]
(The next day, Lawndale High)
A montage of scenes without dialogue where Harry is in class getting in trouble with teachers. Mrs. Barch is obviously adding her own anti-male bias in her lessons, he tells her off, gets cheers from the kids, and is kicked out of class. Coach Gibson runs him and others around Lawndale High stadium, no problem until he forces Harry to play football. He knows he can't and so do the players. He leaves before he gets hurt as the LHS football team laughs at him. Gibson sends him off the field. Mr. DeMartino is giving a lesson in his usual way. Harry is listening, but doesn't believe him and tries to contradict him. He kicks Harry out of class and most of the kids cheer, with the exception of Daria and Jodie who are no longer impressed, and Jane who's less enthusiastic by his defiance than the rest of the class.

Scene Nine:
(Lawndale High, Ms. Li's office)

Ms. Li: "Three pinkslips from three teachers in less than half a day? I've never had a new kid with such a bad record. And all for insubordination."
Harry: "That freaky teacher with the bulging eye looked like he wanted to give me more than just a pinkslip."
Ms. Li: "Mr. DeMartino's condition is nothing for you to make fun of."
Harry: "Mmm, yeah. At first I felt sorry for the guy, and I tried to look past the thing. But after a while I felt it gave him no reason to be such an arrogant liar. So he just ticked me off, and I told him where to stick it."
Ms. Li: "Well in any case, it says in your permanent record, that you've got a long history of getting into fights with teachers, as well as other kids."
Harry: "Hey, they attacked me. I just defended myself."
Ms. Li: "Over 100 times?"
Harry: "Yeah, it happens a lot. People want to give me a hard time, and I have no other choice. And don't give me that crap about walking away and telling the teacher, because when a kid wants to start a fight with you, they're not going to let you do that. Besides, some of the people had to fight off were teachers, including one who tried to use a first grader as his girlfriend, if you know what I mean."
Ms. Li: "I see. And how do we know you won't try to start any fights with the faculty here?"
Harry: "Nobody does anything to me, I won't do anything to them."
Ms. Li: "What about threatening to kill Mrs. Barch? We've got a zero-tolerance policy on that kind of thing here."
Harry: "No, all I said was that I was gonna make her pay. I didn't say I was gonna kill her. Murder is not the only form of revenge, y'know. And I wouldn't do it over some trumped-up misconduct charge."
Ms. Li: "Okay, then perhaps you'd care to disclose what kind of revenge you're planning for Ms. Barch, so I can believe you?"
Harry: "Well, I wouldn't tell you. You'd try to stop me."
Ms. Li: "But how can we be sure it's not going to be violent? Crime in school is on the rampage these days and we have to take precautions."
Harry: "Did you ever consider that all these drastic precautions that you school staff members take may actually cause some kids to become violent?"
Ms. Li: "A school has to have rules to prevent anarchy. We can't allow students to get into fights even in self-defense. Only when we have order and discipline and students learn to fulfill their subservient roles, can we have a fully productive educational system, and bring honor and pride unto Laaaawndale High. Nothing must be done that threatens that honor!"
Harry: "Oh, I get it. Just like every other school I've been in. The same old party line. Never mind reality. The teachers are always to be obeyed. (grabs the desk and lunges forward) I don't think so!!"
Ms. Li: "Son, if you think your permanent record is marred now, just wait till I get a hold of it. If you don't wind up in prison before you graduate, I have ties with some friends at the psychiatric ward at Cedars of Lawndale, and I can always add you to their watch list. Step out of line under my watch and I can have you committed as a basket case. And I can be...very persuasive."
Harry: "Yeah, well as intimidating as you can be, all you'll ever accomplish with that threat is to piss me off a lot more!! As far as I'm concerned, bitch, I will never see you as anything else, but The Enemy!!"
(Harry walks away briefly, while Ms. Li's expression goes from slight terror to cold disdain. Then with more anger he turns around to Ms. Li)
Harry(directly in Ms. Li's face): "EN-E-MYYYYY!!!!!"
[Song: "I Hated School," by The Wretched Ones.]
(Ms. Li is terrified as Harry walks out of the office, randomly trashing school property. We now see Harry with his back turned to the viewer, walking through the halls, continuing his rampage of destruction. He kicks lockers, garbage pails, tears down posters, plaques, and an entire shelf of athletic trophies!! This guy makes Judd Nelson in "The Breakfast Club" look like the head of the boy's jamboree.).

Scene Ten:
(Daria & Jane's bedrooms, on their respected telephones. Therefore, a split-screen is necessary.)

Daria: "...and he just started stomping through the halls trashing anything he could get his hands on. He tore the trophy shelf right off the wall, like it was a mere picture frame."
Jane(shocked): "That skinny kid tore a huge shelf like that off the wall?! Wow, he must be pretty strong! He should've waited until after school to go on his rampage, though."
Daria: "And here we were thinking he was cool because he easily told off our teachers."
Jane: "Most of the football team can't even do that. Kevin certainly can't."
Daria: "It's scary that you know that about him."
Jane: "Yeah, well I was in Lawndale before you."
Daria: "You have my pity."
Jane: "So anyway, why did Ms. Li call you to the office this time?"
Daria: "They want me to tutor him after school when his suspension is over, and bring him his homework assignment. I don't like this, Jane. The guy's got a temper shorter than my father's attention span."
Jane: "Bummer. Do you think Tom will be able to protect you from him by himself if you tick the kid off?"
Daria: "I hope so. Between Tom, Harry and my secret admirer 'Dick,' I don't know how I'm going to juggle so many boys. I might even consider asking Quinn for tips."
Jane: "Woah. Don't to anything that drastic. Besides, I still think he's cute. It's times like this I wish I was as smart as you so I could get a boy like him to do some 'studying' over at my house."
Daria: "With the number of times you've dragged me down to the basement lately, I thought you'd be ready to fall for that band playing with Trent."
Jane: "Well if Harry's not available...Uh-oh. I just thought of something."
Daria: "What."
Jane: "This may be just a hunch, but now I'm starting to wonder if your secret admirer might be a member of the Golden Drying Board."
(Surprised look on Daria's face, as she pulls the phone away from her ear)
[Song "Mama Help Me," by Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians]

Fade out to commercial bumper of Harry screaming in Ms. Li's face. Commercial Break #1, here.

Scene Eleven/Act Two:
[Song: "Uncontrollable Urge," by SNFU.].
(Lawndale High, Mr. O'Neill's Class)

Mr. O'Neill: "Okay, class. Does anybody have that reading assignment where we interpret established written material in different ways? How about you first, Harry?"
(Harry stands up, without objections this time)
Harry: "Okay. My assignment is a reading of the liner notes to the 1997 compilation CD, 'We Are Not Devo'."
Mr. O'Neill: "Um, Harry, you really should've chosen a book to read."
Harry: "You said to do an interpretation of anything we wanted to read, didn't you?"
Mr. O'Neill(chuckling nervously): "Yes I…see your point. Go on, Harry."
Harry(clearing his throat, and doing his best 'gee-whiz' voice): "Way back in 1977 when I was 13, my best buddy Timmy and I were looking for some neat-o kind of music that nobody ever heard before. We heard all kinds of stories about 'punk' and 'new-wave,' and all the stories we heard about it were mean. But we wanted to find out what it was like for ourselves."
(Giggles form the class). "We bought two of those new records form our local record store; 1)'Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols,' and 2)'Question: Are We Not Men? Answer: We are Devo.'(more giggles) "The first one we listened to was the Sex Pistols one, and we didn't like it one bit. It was scary." (giggling resumes briefly) "I guess we weren't used to such daring kinds of music, so we broke it up into little pieces and threw it in the garbage pale. Then we listened to the Devo album, and heard the song 'Uncontrollable Urge.' It didn't seem so bad; in fact, it was a lot of fun. We both started pogoing and bumping and dancing around through the whole album. It was O-Kay! More than that, it was peachy-keen!"
(giggling resumes again) "Now it's twenty years later, and I loved it so much, I decided to put an album of all the bands at my own record company doing their own versions of Devo songs. And so many of the bands like Devo as much as I do, that we had to hold the door to the recording studio. In fact, some of them say that Devo made them want to be in a band when they grew up. And if making this album wasn't enough fun already, in the process of doing it, we actually got to meet some former members of the band! Oh, boy!"
(giggling and snickering almost goes over the edge)
"By the way, as I grew up, I learned to think The Sex Pistols were okay anyway."(back to his normal voice) "Thank you."

Mr. O'Neill: "Interesting. May I see that C.D. for a minute?"
Harry: "The last time a teacher asked me that, I lost a valuable comic book. No way, teach!"
Mr. O'Neill: "No, I'm not confiscating it."
Harry: "Yeah, well if you want to tape it, you'd better bring it back!"
(Daria talks to him from her desk)
Daria: "It's okay, kid. You can trust the guy."
Jane(feigning motherly surprise): "Young lady, I expect much more from you than to tell that boy such fibs."
Daria: "I trust him not to steal our personal possessions as a form of punishment, but that's about it."

(Mr. O'Neill examines the liner notes, mumbling to himself, his mood changes form curious, to disturbed, to pleased.).

Mr. O'Neill: "Well, I'd say you've described these liner notes in a unique manner, and judging by the laughter of the rest of the class, it appears you've given them some interest. But since the assignment focused primarily on contemporary literature, or at least theater scripts, I'm afraid I'll only have to give you a C-plus."
Harry(disgruntled, but still satisfied) "Gee, thanks. My last school would've given me an F-minus and a reprimand. At least you appreciate creativity."
(Bell rings. Class begins leaving)
Mr. O'Neill: "Ooh, Daria, Harry. Can I see you two after class, please?"

Harry looks befuddled. Daria looks concerned.

Scene Twelve:
(Outside of Lawndale High, right after school.)
Daria is walking out of school with Harry, explaining her routine of tutoring.

Daria: "Okay. I don't know what topics you're having trouble with, besides making friends with teachers, but since I don't make friends with them either, you're probably lucky you've got me as a tutor."
Harry: "I don't know why, but that kind of makes me feel somewhat secure."
Daria: "Good. So then we understand each other."
Jane(in the distance): "Yo, Daria. Wait up."
(Jane jogs towards Daria & Harry)
Harry: "Do you two know each other?"
Jane: "I always walk with her to and from school. Today we were planning to stop over at my place first."
Daria: "I hope you don't mind a brief personal diversion before your tutoring?"
Harry: "Sounds okay to me."

(The three walk out of view)

Scene Thirteen:
(The Lane Basement)
Another recording with the two bands.

Trent(singing): "..The only thing you teach 'em is that might makes right,
and power is mean.
If you were my dad, I would've shot you dead, before I turned thirteen."
(song ends with feedback)
Fishplant: "Alright, man. Reminds me of your old Bats With Guns song 'PTA, Against the Children'."
Jesse: "Thanks. That's a Harpies song now, so we had to do this."
Fishplant: "But y'know what song I like that you did? 'Little Runaway'."
Trent: "Oh yeah. We wanted to record that song live, originally. But we had to chuck those plans."
Q.T.: "Couldn't get permission from the club, or just no way of getting the proper recording equipment backstage?"
Trent: "Nawww. Some punks trashed The Zen in the middle of a performance."(6)
Jane: "And I can safely say my brother isn't using some lame excuse this time. I was there, and I've got the hand prints on my ass to prove it."
Daria: "Which just goes to show that the more I hear about that incident, the less I want to know."
Harry: " 'PTA Against the Children,' huh? Well I've never heard the song, but I think I like the idea behind it. You should ask them if you can do a cover of it?"
Jane: "Hey we found something the kid likes after all. Imagine that."
Harry: "Yeah, this ain't so bad."
Daria: "Well, perhaps you'd like to enjoy the rehearsal, while Jane and I head upstairs for a little private time."

(Daria and Jane leave the basement)

Fishplant: "Trent, my man. Would you be willing to introduce this boy to the song he's so curious about, just for this moment?"
Trent: "Why not? Hit it, Max."
Max starts off on the drums, and the rest of the band follows suit, as Harry and The Golden Drying Board observe in amusement. Scene ends here.

Scene Fourteen:
(The Morgendorffer house, Daria's room)
A television set blares stock "Sick, Sad World" theme music shows a woman in red primping herself up as if she's going out on a date, then that same woman trying to flirt with a man, who's clearly uninterested in her.

SSW Announcer (male): "Tired of getting all dressed up for a man, only to have him snub you? Maybe he's gay, right? Or maybe he just has a different idea about what's beautiful."
Male interviewee #1: "I like 'em fat."
Male interviewee #2: "I tend to be drawn to girls who wear glasses."
Male interviewee #3: "I'm only into women who dress like sixties perky-girls."
Overacting middle-aged Woman: "Sonny-Boy. Please settle down, before it's too late."
SSW Announcer (male): "From chubby-chasers to geek-gawkers, and everything in between, it's picky bachelor sons with odd preferences, and the mother's who worry about them. Tomorrow on 'Sick, Sad World.' "
Daria: "Damn. I missed today's episode."
Harry: "You wanted to see the previous episode? What was it?"
Daria(turning off TV): "Aliens who help sub-standard college students cheat on their exams."
Harry(smirking): "As long as they're 'sexy' aliens it's fine with me."
Daria: "O-kay. Getting back to why we're here, I guess the first thing I have to do is see which subjects you're having trouble with. And as part of your tutoring I've been given a segment of your permanent record. Unfortunately, it's strictly academic, therefore it doesn't contain any material that you can use as an attempt to sue the school system for slander."
Harry: "The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an right triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side."
Daria: "Hmm... 'No trouble with math,' but you could've got that from 'The Wizard of Oz.' Moving on to literature. I want you to check off all the books you've read. (hands Harry a list) No point in assigning Brave New World or The Catcher in the Rye again, unless it's for personal enjoyment."
Harry: "I'm aware of the cultural references to them. Some people even think I've patterned myself after Holden Caulfield, but I assure you they're lying."
Daria: "I see. And I believe you. But just to be sure, I'll add this to your reading list. Now about your sense of history--if your comments in Mr. DeMartino's class are any indication, you probably don't need as much help as your records say you do. They do say that you have some trouble in geography."
Harry: "Really? Pick a country to talk about."
Daria: "Armenia."
Harry: "Okay, Present day Armenia was created by the former Soviet Union, along with neighboring Azerbaijan which has territorial disputes created at the end of World War One. When the Ottoman Turks and Triple Alliance fell, there was a failed proposal to establish a League of Nations Mandate that would've made a greater Armenia in what is now part of northeastern Turkey, and existing Armenia that was controlled by the United States…along with a joint U.S./U.K. occupation of the Turkish Black Sea coast and the renaming of Istanbul as Constantinople. This effort failed largely due to isolationism in the U.S., and the USSR's continuation of the expansionist policies of the Czars they overthrew in 1917.
Daria: "Wait a minute - Nobody taking remedial geography knows this. Nobody taking remedial anything knows this. So how do you know it?"
Harry: "Mostly, I read this stuff by myself. And if I have any other questions or further interest, I always try to find out more from another source."
Daria: "Wow. It's incredible that you get into so much trouble in school, and yet you know about subjects that most troubled students wouldn't even be able to guess on."
Harry: "Hey, what can I say? I find so little in school to believe, and so much to be disgusted by, that I just have to speak out."
Daria: "I've always found it hard to believe the school's criteria."
Harry: "Y'know, Daria, you're kind of cute." (Daria looks at him with surprise and displeasure) "And you're seeing somebody (beat), or you're just not interested in me. I knew it."
Daria: "Somehow I get the impression that your bad grades and disruptive behavior are just an unorthodox way to pick up girls."
Harry: "Hey, it was the school's idea to send me a tutor, not mine. They could've sent me some chubby pimple-faced kid from the chess club, who's a Trekkie on the side for all I knew. (beat) This school does have a chess club, doesn't it."
Daria: "Surprisingly, yes. But what makes you think you could be a member?"
Harry: "I didn't say I wanted to join it. I just wanted to get an idea about the priorities of this school."
Daria(sighing): "You're right. I had no reason to snap at you. It's just that you've got to learn that you can't just go around asking complete strangers out on a date."
Harry: "Well, if we didn't ask total strangers, we might as well marry our relatives."
Daria: "You could use dating services, but they require that you're over 21, relatively wealthy and open to the possibility of scams from services and clients alike."
Harry: "Okay, then how else do we find potential mates?"

(Tom walks by Daria's bedroom door)
Tom: "Hey, Daria. Who's this?"

[Song: "The Girl is Mine," by Paul McCartney & Michael Jackson.]

Fade out to commercial bumper of Daria, Jane & Harry watching the bands rehearse. Commercial Break #2, here

Scene Fifteen/Act Three:
(Daria's room, continuing from previous scene)

Tom: "Hey, Daria. Who's this?"
Daria: "Oh, Tom Sloane, meet Harry Whitford, tutoring job. He doesn't need tutoring as much, but Lawndale High stuck me with him because he was such a 'difficult' student."
Harry: "So this is your boyfriend. (to Tom) Man, am I jealous of you."
Tom: "And you'd have every reason to be. She's quite a catch, she funny, she's smart, and dare I say it she's cute."
Harry: "I agree. She is quite a fox. She deserves someone good."
Tom(With one eyebrow raised): "So are you saying you want to fight over her?"
Harry: "Why bother? She's already happy with you, and not interested in me. Besides, I'm above all that crap."
Daria: "God, you two are making me feel like Quinn with her fan club."
(Runs out of the room. Harry feels embarrassed over this encounter.).
Harry: "Aww, dammit. Every time I meet a girl I like, I always end up doing things like this. I've gotta go. Tell Daria I apologize for making her feel so awkward."
(Runs out of the room also)

[Song; "Jerkin' Back and Forth," by Jughead's Revenge.]

Scene Sixteen:
(Jane's House, Front Door)
Jane walks to the door to see who's knocking on it. She opens it to find Daria.

Daria: "If Harry is looking for me, I'm not here (beat) or anyone else, for that matter. Tom, maybe. But only if he's alone."
Jane: "What did he try to do to you? Get you to read The Poor Man's James Bond? (7) Anyway, what did he say about me?"
Daria: "It's not you he's interested in. Trust me."
Jane: "Damn. So, if it's not me, and it's not an automatic weapon...it's Quinn, isn't it?"
Daria: "No. I wouldn't even wish that on her."
Jane: "Well, did he pass of fail?"
Daria: "It's incomplete. But the guy's actually pretty smart. He probably wouldn't do so badly in school, if he didn't spend so much time trying to demolish it. So I may give him a vague passing grade, just to be on the safe side."
Jane: "Too bad he didn't get transferred to a school that deserves to be demolished more than ours."
Daria: "So how's the duet with the Golden Drying Board coming?"
Jane: "Not so good. There's a big argument between them on the musical influences of some of the greats. Everybody's making a big fuss over white influences, black influences, who stole from who, which bands are more derivative than the other. They're spending so much time arguing, they forgot they were supposed to cut an album together."
Daria(with an "I knew it" look on her face): "Mmm-hmm."
Jane: "Perhaps we'd better stop them."
Daria: "Better than hanging around here."

Scene Seventeen:
[Song: "CD Repo Man," by The Aquabats.]
(The Lane Basement)
The middle of that argument Jane mentioned.

Trent: "All I'm saying is that people like Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis played this music because they liked it. They were color-blind and they knew some of their potential fans would be too. Jerry Lee Lewis got in trouble for playing boogie-woogie music in a southern church. Elvis used to go to black churches because he liked the way that people sang there. He would've got a thrill out of rap when it first came out."
Fishplant: "You expect us to believe a fat old southern man like Elvis Presley would change into a rap musician?"
Nick: "Yeah, right. Elvis the rapper? I don't think so."
Trent: "I'm not saying he would've tried rap. I'm saying he would've had an appreciation for it. Maybe he would've hired a rapper to sing back up on one of his songs, like Rush did in 'Roll the Bones'."
Max: "Elvis and KRS One?"
Q.T.: "Hey, the king did see a Ramones concert in 1975, so he had a broad musical appreciation, even if his own music wasn't exactly as hard as theirs in the 70's. If we were doing music like this before, nobody noticed, until Elvis, Buddy Holly, and Little Richard brought it out to the rest of the world."
Fishplant: "I guess you've got a point, Trent."
Jesse: "Right. If anything, Jimi Hendrix is the musical thief. He stole his musical influence from white people."
Trent: "No that's wrong too. He's got a lot of blues in his music. And the blues is hardly considered white music."
Fishplant: "Yeah, well at least it ain't like all that southern rock. Nothing's as white as that confederate flag-waving, redneck crap."
Trent: "No, that's black music too. Heavy blues influence in there, if you pay close attention."
Jesse: "Wow, you're right. I never thought of that."
Nick(to Jesse): "Hey, man. Are you losing your mind? I mean you're not actually buying what Trent is telling us, are you?"
Trent: "Why do you think bikers can listen both to metal and southern rock?"
Sax-O-Geranium: "Because they're both whitebread music thieves, that's why."
Q.T.: "Didn't you hear what Trent said, Sax-O?"
Max: "Oh yeah? If he's right, then how come I see so few black rock musicians?"
Nick: "Yeah?"
Q.T.: "Because you people don't know where to look."
(Max begins struggling for an adequate reply)
Max: "Yeah well, it shouldn't be about black or white anyway. It's about the music."

(Incoherent and heated arguing breaks out within both bands. Then The Golden Drying Board look at Mystik Spiral with discontent.)

Fishplant: "Look, man. You may be right and all, but we're getting a lot of bad vibes in here. So we're just going to take a break until they fade out."

(The Golden Drying Board walks out. Max and Nick look at Trent and Jesse in disgust as Jesse shrugs his shoulders.)

Max: "Thanks for killing our big break, Trent."

Jane and Daria walk in, as Mystik Spiral sans Trent walk out. Jane looks deeply concerned, and disheartened. She does not like the way the situation is for the bands and since she only hears Max ranting about it, suspects it's her brother's fault.

Jane: "Trent, if you have any work-ethic applied to your music, please tell me this walkout is temporary."

Scene Eighteen:
(Daria's Bedroom, nighttime)
Daria dreams of all the guys she ever had some interest in, or had an interest in her; Tom Trent, Ted, Luhrman, Upchuck, Guy, and now Harry. (8) Daria walks through some vast wasteland of dead trees spread far apart, then she's on a "tunnel of love-type" float with Tom, somewhat secure. That security is shattered when Trent uncharacteristically tries to grab her arm and fight with Tom over her, each grabbing one arm, pulling her back and forth like in an old Popeye cartoon. Suddenly, Ted DeWitt-Clinton approaches her with a homemade radioactive necklace as a gift.

Ted: "Here, Daria. I made this for you."

She tries to back away, but only succeeds when Tom & Trent tackle him. Daria flees all three of them, and runs into an alleyway that leads to a door, which is her only escape. Stenciled on this door in white paint and full capital letters are the words "YOUR ONLY ESCAPE." She opens the door and goes in, when suddenly she feels the urge to dance. Spotlights suddenly appear above her. Now she's in a slinky costume, on a lighted runway, in a strip joint. One patron sits in the stands in his usual mellow fashion---Luhrman!

Luhrman(in his usual tone): "Take it off. Take it all off." (9)

Daria finally returns backstage, only to realize she's caught in a quicksand trap. In the distance, she sees a big bird that could swoop down and rescue her. Once the bird gets closer, she realizes it's a buzzard and it has Upchuck's head!!

Upchuck-Buzzard: "Fear not, my sweets. Your prince charming is here to rescue you."

Daria dives down in order to avoid the Upchuck-bird, when suddenly she's hanging on a ledge surrounded by psychedelic colors, with Upchuck & Harry hanging on her ankles, trying to pull her down. The ledge turns to liquid and so does she, as one leg falls faster than the other, in two separate directions. You'd think it was over, but no such luck. She hits the ground in one piece, alive and uninjured, but flat on her rear end. She now realizes she's caught in a trace (10) that's approximately 12 feet deep. Daria runs through the trace. Flashes of the heads of the boys in her dreams appear briefly on each side of her. The whole scene is totally surreal like something out of a Sally Cruikshank(11) cartoon.

Tom's head: "Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you."
Trent's head: "You're the coolest high schooler I know. "
Upchuck's head: "Rrrrr. Feisty."
Ted's head: "You're the remarkable one. I mean, please don't take this wrong, but you've got it all."
Harry's head: "Y'know, Daria, you're kind of cute."
Luhrman's head: "Just a little pointless chit-chat. Would you like another soda?"
Trent's head: "Too bad you're still in high school. I could ask you out. "
A yellow car pulls up in front of her and the front door opens.
Guy(smiling): "Hey, Daria. Quinn told me you needed a ride home from the library."

Daria flees. She runs along the road and Guy follows her. She sees the Morgendorffer residence in the distance. Just when she finally thinks she's safe at home, Jake and Helen open the door to meet him.

Jake(trying to impress him): "Hey, Guy. Whassuuuup?"
Helen(lecturing): "Daria, you should've known that you were going to face this kind of thing someday."

Guy stretches his arm beyond all possible lengths out the passenger side window and with his ridiculously enlarged hand, grabs Daria by the torso, pulling her in his car as she screams for dear life.

[Song; "Giant," by Throwing Muses.].
The dream ends, and Daria wakes up in her usual state of terror, as shown in episodes such as "Monster"(#206), "Ill"(209), and "Through a Lens Darkly"(#301). Though it's only 4:45 in the morning, she goes to the bathroom to look in the mirror, and see if there are any spots in her eyes, or anything else resembling illness. She sees none, and returns to her bedroom.

Scene Nineteen:
(Shot of Lawndale High School, then Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino: "And like such fanatics in the Middle East as the Hezbollah, Hamas and the so-called 'Democratic Front' for the Liberation of Palestine, Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland wage a meaningless holy war, for no other purpose than to cause chaos and despair, using shallow traditions to justify their bloodbaths."
Harry: "Oh, come ON!"
Mr. DeMartino: "I hope you're not about to accuse me of being a liar again Mr. Whitford. (building to hysteria) Because if you are, then you'd better have some decent evidence to support your perspective!!"
Harry: "Fine: The troubles in Northern Ireland have always been about national sovereignty versus colonial domination. London simply plays upon the old religious differences between Catholics and Protestants in order to discredit the I.R.A.'s cause. Protestants who prefer Irish unity and independence are often referred to as 'rotten prods.' The Orange Order still gets away with hassling Catholics for stopping them from marching through Catholic neighborhoods, bragging about some old holy war they won back in 1690. They've been doing it long before the Revolution of 1916, and they haven't stopped. Even the modern media focuses on the religious aspects of the war, while the issue of colonial rule is put on the back burner."
Mr. DeMartino(sarcastic): "Ooh! And why do you think they'd want to do this?!"
Harry: "Well aside from the risk of losing some territory on the other side of the Irish Sea, they sought to sabotage the proposed Irish Republic's attempts to succeed as an industrialized nation. So they rigged the occupation of six of the nine counties of Ulster, changed the name of the dreaded Royal Irish Constabulary, a.k.a. 'The Black-and-Tans,' to the Royal Ulster Constabulary, and despite the failure of thwarting a republic they've managed to permanently keep Ireland divided both geographically, and spiritually."
Mr. DeMartino: "Really? Any other examples of these kind of shenanigans by the British Empire?"
Harry: "Sure. When India fought to breakaway from the British Empire, their people were divided by religion too. In their case it was Muslims and Hindus. So before Ghandi was assassinated in his attempt to negotiate some sort of peace between them, London partitioned India by creating the Muslim nations of West Pakistan and East Pakistan, which in 1971 separated from West Pakistan and became Bangladesh.
Mr. DeMartino: "Whoa!! Wait one minute!! Are you suggesting that you believe the assassination of Mahatma Ghandi was part of some conspiracy on behalf of British Secret Security?!!"
Harry: "Nahhh. It was his own people who bumped him off. But you've got to admit, the U.K certainly benefited form the man's death."
Mr. DeMartino: "Hmm. A very interesting perspective. (bell rings) See me after class!!"

[Song: "Give Ireland Back to the Irish," by Paul McCartney & Wings.].

Scene Twenty:
(Lawndale High, Daria's locker)
Daria opens her locker and finds yet another bouquet of flowers with a note next to it.

Daria: "Oh no. Not again."
Harry: "That was old. You can throw it away, or give it back and I'll use the seeds to replant it."
Daria: "So you're the one who's been following me."
Harry: "Yeah, but I know when to quit."
Daria: "Then why are you bothering me now?"
Harry: "To try to give you the impression that I've given up on you."
Daria: "It's not working."
Harry: "Sorry. It's all I can do."
Daria: "Well for future reference, the best way to a girl's heart is not through picking their lockers, or a raging spree of endless destruction."
Harry: "I didn't think it was. Of course, I do those things because of what I feel, not who I might impress."
Daria: "Why did you even bother going into my locker in the first place?"
Harry: "Usually, I do this when I want to sabotage someone else's locker with small explosives, a spring-loaded pie, or something like that. But when I saw you, it confirmed my gut feeling that girls like you existed, and seeing no other way to come on to you, I used whatever skills I had to get through to you. I should've known you were too good to be true."
Daria: "Am I supposed to be flattered by that remark?"
Harry: "Hey, be what you want, Daria. I'm just telling the truth about what I did."
Daria: "Does that mean you might try hitting on me again someday?"
Harry: "Not unless, you can set me up with a girl who looks remotely like you."
Daria: "Dating is my sister's department. You want to find somebody to go out with, talk to miss popularity."
Harry: "Nahh. I've seen her and her friends. They turn me off."
Daria: "I'm surprised. You're just as superficial as they are."
Harry: "Yeah, you're right. I just have a different set of standards that's all. I'm into pale-looking women like you, not overly made-up wannabe fashion models like her. But at least we can both go on with our separate lives. See you in school tomorrow, Daria...or maybe not."

(Harry walks away. Daria looks at him quizzically and slightly bemused. Cut to Jane approaching her.)(12)

Jane: "So that was your new secret admirer, huh?"
Daria: "Not anymore. He already knows I'm not available. I should've known it was him when the flowers started appearing in my locker around the same time he came to this school."
Jane(sarcastic): "Rats. And I had a $20 bet going that he was some deranged stalker who was going to take you hostage, and shout. 'If I can't have you, nobody else will!!'"
Daria: "Maybe you should make that confession in your next Gamblers Anonymous meeting."
Jane: "I can't. Some of them might have been your admirers."
Daria: "Well unless Tom, Upchuck, Ted DeWitt-Clinton, and/or Mr. O'Neill were in on this too, I can't imagine who else those 'admirers' could have been."
Jane: "Daria, you still amaze me after all the years I've known you. You do everything you can to keep people away from you. You don't follow the latest fashions, you never wear makeup, you don't dance, you avoid all extracurricular activities, you nail people with wittier observations and insults than I've ever been able to come up with, and somehow people of both genders still want to hang out with you."
Daria: "What are you trying to tell me?"
Jane(beaming): "Face it, Daria. You're popular. You're a babe. You're a goddess. You're a sex symbol, for Pete's sake. Guys actually want you!"
Daria: "I should punish you for that remark, but I can't think of an appropriate way of doing so."
Jane: "It wouldn't involve losing the right to a walk home from school with you, would it?"
Daria: "No. Besides, it's the only way I can keep you from crushed by the punk-ska fight."
(Daria & Jane begin walking down the hall. The light at the doorway has a "sunset-type" appeal.)
Jane: "Good. I'm getting tired of listening to the debate between Trent and Max on whether or not Elvis would've liked rap."
Daria: "I concur. And more importantly, I like their sped-up version of 'Heart-Shaped Box,' by Nirvana much better."
Jane: "Boy. If only Trent knew this about you two years ago, he finally would have won your heart."
(Daria groans in disgust.)

[Song: "Nirvana," by Juliana Hatfield.]
ALTER-EGOS:
Quinn as Miki Berenyi from Lush. (13)
Trent as Bob Marley.
Helen as Skateboard Guy.
Jake as Peter Garrett from Midnight Oil. (14)
Sandi as Miss Cleo. (15)
Jane as Lisa Simpson.(16)
Angela Li as Joe Jackson' s "I'm the Man" album cover.
Andrea as Nose-Chain Kid.
Stacy as McDonald's old "Speedee" mascot.
Daria as Tracy Turnblad(17).
Official Daria Logo.

THE END

Author's Notes: 1)Originally, I wanted to make the subplot involving Trent and Mystik Spiral's duet with the ska band into a separate fic called "Up the Down Ska-Chase," mainly so that I could do some wordplay with the title to the classic 1960's pop-culture high school book "Up the Down Staircase." Having nothing else to go on, I decided to integrate it into "The Insubordinator. I also considered naming the band after the title of the defunct fanfic, along with 'Pirates of Rendezvous Bay,' or some other obscure bay on Anguilla Island."

2)Arthur Bremer is the man who attempted to assassinate Alabama's controversial former segregationist Governor & Presidential candidate George Wallace(1919-1998) on May 15, 1972.

3,6)See my previous fic "The Highland Invasion."

4)Re; "Arts 'n' Crass" (ep. #201).

5)For the actual liner notes, go buy the real C.D., "We Are Not Devo: A Tribute to Devo. If you're willing to accept a wider variety of musical styles, you won't be disappointed with a single cover.

7)"The Poor Man's James Bond," is a four-volume book by ex-white supremacist Paul Saxon. It's a how-to book on making your own homemade weapons, explosives, and the like, which was supposed to be used in the event of a takeover of the U.S. Government by either left-wing, or right-wing extremists, but is more popular amongst terrorists in the United States and abroad.

8) I even considered making Beavis and Butt-head two of the guys in her nightmare, but I promised somebody out there that this fic would be B & B free. Besides, neither of them felt anything for her, and neither did she for them.

9)Re; "I Don't (ep. #204), where Daria told all the other bride's maids those outrageous stories about herself, including that she works in a strip club, and Luhrman plays along with her.

10)A trace, in case you don't know is a trail that's cut deep into the ground. Examples include the historic Natchez Trace in Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee.

11)Sally Cruikshank is the cartoonist responsible for such short films as "Face Like a Frog," and "Quasi at the Quackadero." Her work can also be seen on occasional episodes of "Sesame Street," and other PBS children's shows.

12)Believe it or not, I actually considered adding "Everlong," by The Foo Fighters in that scene. However, it runs too close to her conversation with Jane, not to mention the walk from school at the end. Besides, I'm still a Daria-Trent Shipper, and ever since I heard the song in "Lane Miserables"(#308), it tends to leave me a little depressed.

13)Specifically from their last album "Lovelife." Yeah, I know Quinn's hair is so red that dyeing it pink isn't much of a stretch, but it was either that or making her Marlo Thomas again.

14)If you think Jake is scary enough already, imagine him at over 6'5", with a shaved-pointed head and a case of jaundice.

15)Miss Cleo, if you don't know is that Caribbean woman on those tarot card hotline commercials.

16) Okay, I'll admit she's not exactly who you'd think of when you use an alter-ego for Jane, but I had to pick somebody besides Lita Ford or an undetermined Egyptian Princess.

17)Tracy Turnblad was the overweight teen dancing sensation from the 1987 John Waters movie "Hairspray."

The Golden Drying Board:
1)Fishplant: Lead singer, Trumpet, Harmonica.
2)Q.T. Ugly: Bass.
3)Sax-O-Geranium: Trombone, Saxophone, and Trumpet.
4)Hornsichord Jones: Trombone, Trumpet.
5)Neally O'Healey: Guitars.
6)Slappy Smith Cakes: Drums, Percussion, and Vibraphone.
7)Mr. Winston Boy: Keyboard, Organ, Mellotron, Backing Percussion, Wolf Whistle.

Disclaimer #2: Daria was created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. All characters and the rest of the supporting cast, with the exception of Harry Whitford, and The Golden Drying Board, a.k.a., The Arthur Bremer Society are property of MTV Productions, and are used without permission. This story is not to be sold or profited from, nor was it intended to be sold or profited from by the author. This piece of fan fiction was originally created on June 23, 2000, and finished on January 19, 2002.