The Highland Invasion

(A Daria Fanfic)

by Daniel Timothy Dey

Disclaimer #1: The following script has been written with no other fanfic in mind. This is not part of a continuum, and was conceived prior to Season 4. Therefore many of you may feel that some characters and events do not belong within the world of Daria Morgendorffer. As of this writing, it has become quite clear that the abundance of Daria Fanfics being sent into cyberspace have become something of a phenomenon which can only be compared to the growth of Star Trek Fan Clubs during the 1970's. This statement may be perceived by some as an insult, and others as a compliment. I'm merely stating it as a personal observation. The time in which this script is supposed to take place in hovers around the latter half of Season Three, in between Seasons 3 and 4, or early within Season Four.

Beavis and Butt-head are not role models. They're not even human. They're cartoons. Some of the things they do can cause a person to get hurt, expelled, arrested, and/or possibly deported. To put it another way: Don't try this at home.

Plot Summary: Just when Daria thought she could leave Highland behind, the first Lawndale-Highland exhibition football game brings an influx of students, faculty, family and fans from Highland. To make matters worse, Todd's gang who is running from the law, brought two unflattering memories with them.


Scene One/Act One:
[Song/Video: "Tarantula," by Dogbowl and Kramer]. (1)
(Butt-Head's house. Beavis and Butt-head are watching music videos on MTV, when they spot the video to the afore mentioned song, which is far too mellow for their tastes.)

Beavis(O.S.): "This sucks. Change it."
(Butt-head does so.).

[Song/Video: "There's No Other Way," by Blur].
Beavis: "Yo, dude. Check it out. It's a bunch o' hippies having a love in."
Butt-head: "Hippies are wusses."
(Back to video)
Beavis(O.S.): "Damn hippies. They're all full of that peace and love crap. (beat) Aaaaah! Butt-head! I think I see Van Drissen in there. Change it! Quick!"
(Butt-head does it again, which would be fine, since the video is ending anyway).

[Song/Video: "War of the Superbikes," by The Meatmen.](2)
(Cut to Beavis and Butt-head on the couch, and Butt-head's surprised reaction.).
Butt-head: "Whoa. This is cool."
Beavis: "Yeah. Bikes rule. I'll bet people who ride 'em get all kinds of chicks."
Butt-head: "Uh, ride a Schwinn, and you don't get any chicks."
Beavis: "Yeah, well you ride one too. So shut up, bunghole."
(Music video continues as Beavis and Butt-head argue offscreen.).
Butt-head: "Don't tell me to shut up again, dillweed."
Beavis: "I will. So shut-up, ass-munch."
(Beavis smacks Butt-head)
Butt-head: "You shut-up, dumbass!"
(Butt-head smacks Beavis)
Beavis:"No, you, fart-knocker!"
(Beavis smacks Butt-head)
Butt-head:"You, monkey-spank!!"
(Butt-head swats Beavis )
(Beavis grabs the remote control from Butt-head, and slugs him with it)
Butt-head:"Ahhh !!! Dillhole."
(Butt-head slaps Beavis, who then begins slapping Butt-head in retaliation as yet another one of their juvenile smack-fights go into hyperdrive.).
Beavis and Butt-head: "AAAAAAAAARGH......!!!"
Beavis: "Your mother's a slut, AAAAAGH!"
(B & B continue to slap each other frantically, while screaming).
Beavis and Butt-head: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!"

Suddenly, their fight knocks the remote control off the couch, landing on a button that changes the channel, and then bounces around to the other side, opening up the battery compartment. Two AA batteries fall out of the remote, but what they hear blaring from the set is a little more interesting.

(Stock footage on television of various street gangs throughout the country, over the past 20 years, including Todd's gang, which gets B & B's attention.)
Sick Sad World announcer(male): "As gang crime rises across the nation, one question needs to be asked...'Are any of them working for the government?' The fed's own Crips and Bloods, tonight on Sick Sad World."
Butt-head: "Whoa. Todd works for the government? Cool."
Beavis: "Yeah. Like...if you work for the government, you can kick anyone's ass you want. Mmheh-heh -heh. And nobody can do anything to stop you. We should ask if we can kick Stewart's ass."
Butt-head:"Huh-huh-huh. We're there, dude."

Scene Two:
[Song: "For Being Young," by U.S. Chaos.].
(Members of Todd's gang, Slade, Psycho, & Gina, without Todd, at the Slaughterhouse. JD is busy breaking Todd out of jail, unbeknownst to B&B.)
Gina(sighing nervously): "How long is it gonna take for JD to break Todd out of jail?"
Psycho: "Relax, Gina. He'll be here."
(B&B appear on the scene instead).
Psycho: "Hey, the sandbox is over in the park. And we ain't your mommies, so don't expect us to hold yer hands and take you there."
Slate: "Yeah, get lost."
Beavis: "Uhh, we heard that Todd was working for the government, and we wanna join his gang."
(Gangmembers look at each other, dumbfounded, but amused.).
All: "Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha."
Psycho: "Well, that's Todd's call, not to mention (slight sincker) the C.I.A.(snickering grows a bit). But right now he's being broken out of prison. He just did this undercover job as a prison informer, and he'll be here soon. When he gets here, he'll let you know if you can join up."
Butt-Head: "Whoa. Cool."
(Less than a minute passes. Butt-head spots Gina)
Butt-Head(Flirting with Gina in his usual way): "Hey, mmbaby."
Psycho(Choking Butt-head): "One of the requirements of being in Todd's gang, is to NOT hit on Todd's girlfriend."
Beavis: "Uhhh, I think he was asking her if she knows any other girls like her. Heh heh heh. Other girls as hot as her. Yeah. Heh heh."
Psycho: "Well, let's make sure it is other girls that you're looking for?"
Gina: "Ecch! I wouldn't send them to any of my friends."
Psycho: "Sorry. Guess you'll have to work this out with Todd."

(Todd & JD arrive on the scene, in Todd's 1973 Plymouth Duster, pulling into the driveway at top speed, slamming on the brakes in the driveway. Both get out and Todd give his orders to the gang.).

Todd: "The cops 'll be here any second. Everyone, set the explosives and get ready to blow this shack. JD, Psycho, get on your bikes and prepare to ride. Slate, you come with me, and Gina."
Beavis(excited): "Explosives?! Whoa, Cool!"
Todd(Noticing B & B): "What're these two douchebags doing here?"
Slate: "They wanna join us.(whispering) They think you work for the government."
JD: "So, ya want me to get rid of 'em?"
(Police sirens can be heard O.S.)
Todd(Winking at JD, and smirking): "Naw, I think we can use 'em after all.(To B&B) C'meer you two."

(B&B are once again in Todd's Trunk. Will they ever learn? Of course not.)

Todd: "Our men in Washington have got this initiation for newcomers. If you pass, you're on the first step to becoming bonafide G-Men." (Laughs sarcastically).
Just then, the fleet of police cars approach Todd's hideout.
Cop(on megaphone):"Todd Ianuzzi, come on outta there, and bring yer gang wich ya!"
Todd: "I've got two losers in the back of my car! You pigs shoot at me, you'll kill them too!"
(B&B can be heard from the trunk of Todd's car)
Beavis: "Losers? Hey Butt-head. Are they talking about us?"
Butt-head: "Uhh,...I think they're trying to hide from the cops that they have other members...or something."
Beavis: "Oh yeah, heh heh. That's pretty cool."
Todd: "We'll need a place to hide until the heat cools off. Now gimme those firecrackers, and when I catch up, follow me."
Psycho: "Where're we headed, Todd?"
Todd: "A little town called Lawndale. Now take off! Both of you!"
[Song(on car stereo): "Obsessed," by Nomeansno.].
(Todd lights the firecrackers with his cigarette and throws it into the house just before they leave, in order to confuse the cops. Firecrackers go off, and set off larger ones, making the police believe that it's gunfire. They shoot back. The house explodes, and a few cops take cover. At least two ambulances arrive on the scene in order to retreive the injured policemen, and presumably dead gangmembers. The scene ends.)

Scene Three:
[Song: "Proud Land," by The Cavedogs.].
(Mr. DeMartino's class at Lawndale High.)

Mr. DeMartino: "Students, terrorist groups like the FALN, the FARC, M19, the Khmer Rouge, and the Shining Path, still threaten peace and security in the world. But when we try to help third world nations defeat these terrorists, most of the world community accuses us of being fascist war-mongers, fighting against a threat that no longer exists. These people, are the same ones, who twenty years earlier, accused us of fabricating such a threat, in places like Central Europe, Korea, Viet-NAM, Laos, Cam-BO-dia, An-GO-la, Gre-NA-da, Af-GHAN-istan, and Nica-RAG-ua, just to name a Few!! Can anybody, besides Miss Morgendorffer, tell me the single guiding principle behind the kind of terrorist threats these nations faced?!!"
Random dumb student: "Uhh,...the Contras?"
Mr. DeMartino: "I thought you'd say that(turning to..) Kevin?!"
Kevin: "It ain't a ban on football, is it?"
Mr. DeMartino: "Kevin, I'm under the impression that you've been concentrating more on the upcoming football game with Highland High this weekend,(building to hysteria) than the Lessons in This CLASS! Is that impression CORRRECT?!"
Kevin: "Yeah. We're gonna kick Highland's butt."
Daria: "Kevin, did you say "Highland High," as in the Highland High that I used to go to?"
Kevin: "Dude, for a brain, you sure haven't been paying attention to the posters on the wall."
Daria(teasing): "Sorry, I've been too busy reading my new copy of the biography of John Facenda, the original announcer for NFL Films." (3)
Kevin(awed): "Really?!"
Daria: "No."
(Bell Rings)

Scene Four:
[Song: "No Parachute," by April March].
(Daria and Jane walking home from school)

Jane: "...So now Jesse's van is in the shop, and the garage gave him a loaner, and then he got a whole new van. Actually, it's an old bread truck. They're calling it 'The New Tank.' "
Daria(sarcastically):"Wow. How original.(beat) So will we be seeing this new tank soon?"
(Suddenly, Trent and the band pull up in their "new" wheels, a 1954 Chevrolet 3900, which is in surprisingly good condition for it's age, but not exactly something you'd want to go cross-country with.)
Trent: "Hey, Janie. Hey, Daria."
Daria & Jane(Both Flatly): "Hey."
Trent: "Mystik Spiral's got a concert friday night. We're thinking of performing naked. What do you think of that, Daria?"

What does she think of that? Is Trent kidding? The opportunity to see the man of her dreams naked, even if that means other people get to see him naked too? The possiblity that it may lead her to share this debauchery? No! The shock is too much for her. Suddenly, her eyes bug as she gasps, clutching her heart, and her mid-section, we see her completely surrounded by all sorts of freaky colors in the background, and she collapses right there on the sidewalk. Yep, it looks like she's getting her first hot flash. Trent and Jane look down.

Trent: "Daria?(beat) Daria?..."
Jane: "I'll let this slide, but if you become a boyband on my next friend, I'll make you pay dearly for it."

Scene Five:
[Song: "Miss Misery," by Katydids.].
(Shot of Lawndale Hospital, then of Daria's hospital room.).

Doctor Phillips (4) (reverse echo): "She seems to be coming out of it."
Daria(Groaning): "What happened?(Realizing where she is). Oh, no. Not again."
Doctor Phillips: "You passed out on the sidewalk. Luckily, your friends were available to bring you here."
Jane: "Actually, they had to go to rehearsal.(turns to Daria) Speaking of which, Trent and the band decided against performing naked on stage. They felt it was a gimmick that was as contrived and lame as smashing your instruments, even if it was a cheaper one."
Daria(not buying it): "He did it because of me, didn't he?"
Jane: "You should be glad you'll be one of the few to see him that way."
(Quinn rushes into the room)
Quinn: "Daria, what happened this time?"
Jane(imitating Scarlett O'Hara): "She's got the vapors."
Daria: "A curse, I put on you, Miss Lane. May your first child be fathered by a man nicknamed 'Upchuck'."
(Helen, then Jake enter next)
Helen: "Oh my god! Honey what happened?"
Jake: "Kiddo, what did they do with you?"
Doctor Phillips: "It was just a sudden dizzy spell, Mr. & Mrs. Morgendorffer. Nothing too serious."
Daria: "Well in that case, perhaps I can go home so I can finish that double-homework assignment I got from history class."
Doctor Phillips: "I'm afraid you're going to have to stay here for a couple of nights, Daria."
Daria: "Oh, no. I was planning to go with some friends to a concert on Friday. I haven't been there in a while. I don't want to miss it again."
Doctor Phillips: "We still have to run some tests to see why you fainted, although it looks fairly obvious to me."
Jane: "Don't worry, Daria. I'll tell you if Trent dedicates any ballads to you."
Daria: "How about a cover of "My Sister," by Juliana Hatfield, dedicated to you?"
Jane: "..Or if anything else interesting happens."
(Everybody leaves. Daria sits in her hospital bed looking dejected, and sad)
[Song: "Perfect Stranger," by Patti Rothberg.].

Fade out, as music continues. Pre-commercial to slow-mo pan of the "new tank" pulling up near Daria and Jane. Commercial Break #1, Here.

Scene Six/Act Two:
[Song: "Mad Dogs on a Bone," by Alice Donut.].
(Todd and company are stranded on a road approximately two dozen miles outside of Lawndale, because Todd's out of gas. JD pulls up next to his driver's side door, and Psycho stops in front of them. All have forgotten about Beavis and Butt-head in the trunk, but will soon be reminded of them when Todd looks for his jerry jug.)

Slate: "What's going on, Todd?"
Todd: "We're out of gas.(turning to JD) You did put gas in my jerry jug, didn't you, JD?"
JD: "Sure. Want me to go get it?"
Todd: "Why? I've got the keys. It's my car."

(Todd leaves the car.)

Todd(mumbling): "I've gotta get an electric trunk opener."
(He opens the trunk, and is almost surprised.)
Todd: "And I thought I dumped these two pieces of trash to the county dump last night. I guess I was wrong."
Butt-head: "Uhh, so did we pass the test?"
Todd: "Not yet, but stand here fill my tank up with gas, and we'll see. And if you spill one drop, I'll turn both your asses into permanent fixtures in our national parks."
Beavis(Not thinking): "Cool."

B&B climb out with Todd's jerry jug, attempting to fill the car up with gas. Both begin to make a big deal of it.

Beavis: "Umm, do you do this?"
Butt-head: "I think this door comes off."
(begins trying to pry it off, and grunting with all his might.Beavis does what he can to help him, but nothing works.).
Beavis:"Maybe there's a switch inside...."
Todd(from the driver's seat): "Grab the cap and turn it!"
Butt-head: "Oh. Aye-Aye, sir."
(Butt-head turns it the wrong way for a second, then turns it the right way. It comes off so easily that he lands on his ass, surprised that the gas cap worked this way.).
Beavis: "Whoa. They should make all cars like that."
Butt-head: "Yeah. Now let me put the gas in."
Beavis: "I'll do it."
Butt-head: "Let's both do it."
B & B stuggle to lift the jerry jug off the road, spilling a couple of drops of gas, but not enough to make Todd notice, or get him to care. Beavis pulls the retractable nozzle out of the jerry jug and sticks it down the tank.
Beavis: "Yo, Butt-head. Check it out. The gas can is scoring with the car. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh."
Butt-head: "Huh-huh-huh. Good one, Beavis."
(Finally they're done)
Todd(grabbing the jerry jug): "Well, good job, men. I'm impressed. Now we're on a secret mission, so we gotta go."
Beavis: "Wait, can't we come?"
Todd: "Naww, the enemy expects five people, and we don't wanna blow our cover. But don't worry, you'll be meeting some agents with assignments of your own. They'll have big long black capes, and round hard beaks."
(Todd & Company drive off, as they laugh).

Minutes pass(actually several long seconds, since this is television), and B&B suddenly realize they've been tricked. Beavis speaks up about it.

Beavis: "Uhh,... they're not coming back. Are they?"
Butt-head: "I don't think so, Beavis."
Beavis: "Well, what are we gonna do? It's so boring here."
Butt-head: "We've gotta find a way out."

(Thought balloons contain hands trying to light cigarette lighters, and failing, until they both explode)

Beavis notices a standard green distance sign(MUTCD code #D2-2) (5) on the road, with white lettering, reading "Lawndale 36, Smithville 52," which of course, means they've got to walk 36 miles to get to the next town...our heroine's hometown!

Beavis: "Hey, Butt-head. What does that sign say?"
Butt-head(Trying to read): "Uhhhh,... Lowwww-unn,.... Lowww-und,... Lawn-dally,...... thirtyeeeee-six?"(unsure).
Beavis: "Whoa! The nearest town has to be like, a thousand miles away, or something."
Butt-head: "Well, Beavis. The longer we stay here, the less likely we are to get there. Heh heh heh. Besides, if we get too tired, we can hitch a ride. Maybe we'll run into some naked chicks in a van, like in those dirty magazines."
Beavis: "Cool. Naked Chicks! (Getting more excited) Naked!! Naked!! NAKED!! But, uhh,...what if one of those, um...trans-formers picks us up?"
Butt-head: "I'll sell you to him, and then I'll kick his ass. Huh, huh, huh. huh huh huh. "
Beavis: "No way, butt-munch! I wanna kick his ass too!"
Butt-head: "So let's go then."

(B&B walk on. Unfortunately, it takes too long, and there isn't a single car or truck in sight. No vans full of naked women, no pedophiles, no religious fanatics looking for some lonely strangers to convert, no redneck farmers in pickup trucks sprouting out tales of the decline of the old farmer, filled with white supremacist, anti-semetic, anti-bank, anti-poor, anti-welfare rhetoric,.. absolutely no rides. )

Beavis: "Hey, Butt-head."
Butt-head: "Yeah?"
Beavis: "I've just noticed something."
Butt-head: "I hope it ain't your weiner."
Beavis: "No. I noticed this is starting to suck."
(Suddenly Beavis realizes the significance of Butt-head's comment.).
Beavis: "Heh, heh, heh. Weiner. Heh heh heh heh heh heh...."
Butt-head: "Huh huh huh. Yeah. Weiner. Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh...."
(Both laugh as camera zooms away from the road, and the scene ends.).

Scene Seven:
(It's nighttime, and B&B are just entering the Dega Street section of Lawndale)
Beavis: "Hey, Butt-head. Where are we?"
Butt-head: "I think it's that town I read about."
Beavis: "Yeah, well this town better not suck, like Highland."
Butt-head: "No town sucks as bad as Highland, Beavis."
Beavis: "It does if there are no nachos."

Suddenly, B & B hear a sound in the distance. They don't know who it is, but they think those tunes are pretty cool. We know, it's Mystik Spiral, at The Zen.

Beavis: "Hey, Butt-head, are those tunes cool?"
Butt-head: "Uhh, well, it's loud."
Beavis: "Whoa! You think it might be Loud-NESS?"
Butt-head: "No, I think it's a cooler band than Loudness."
Beavis: "I dunno, Beavis. I mean, like um...the drummer wore a bicycle helmet so he could bash his head on the cymbals. That was pretty cool,.. for back then. Heh heh."
Butt-head: "Y'know, Beavis, maybe this town is kinda cool, after all."

(As if they thought things weren't cool enough, they hear a few notes that they find quite impressive. Then they realize, The Zen is only a couple of blocks away.)

Beavis & Butt-head(Celebratory): "YES!!!"
(Guitar chord chimes in immediately, as both play air-guitar)
Butt-head: "Beavis, we must find that music."
Beavis: "How do we know where it's coming from?"
Butt-head: "Follow the cool sounds."

Scene Eight:
(Another night at The Zen. The only difference is that Beavis, Butt-head , and Todd's gang are in the auduience. B&B and Todd's gang arrived seperately, of course, but that seperation won't last for long.)

Trent(on the mike): "Thanks. I see we've got a few new faces here. That's cool. It just gives me time to introduce some of our newer songs. This ones's called "Little Runaway," but it's not a cover tune. Hope ya like it."
Todd(muttering to his gang):"This band better be good."

(music begins)
Trent(singing): "Mariannie ran away,
from her life she could not stay.
'Cuz the way her Dad would play,
made her want to chuck her pay.

It wasn't that he tried to touch her
where she didn't want it.
(But) He scared the boys so much,
They wouldn't touch her at all."

Jesse(singing): "So she ran away from home,
and she started turning tricks,
with some tramp who looked like Dawn Wells,
back in 1966...

(Music continues as we see B&B in the pit, playing air guitar, bumping into of all people,..Todd!).

Todd: "Get lost, turds."(Todd shoves B&B, but rather than getting a clue, they both think the night is about to improve, when they assume that the time is right for a...)
Beavis & Butt-head: "MOSH PIT!!!!!"
(B&B start trying to mosh with some random concert goers, as well as Todd's Gang, including Todd himself).
Todd: "Get the hell off o' me, man!"
Random concert goer #1:"Quit it, choad-smoker!"
(Shoves Butt-head into Todd).
Todd: "I said, get lost!"
(Shoves 'em again.).
Random concert goer #2(to Todd):"Shove this, jock!"
(Shoving B&B back)
Todd: "What did you say, you new-wave faggot."
Slate, JD & Psycho: "Heh, heh, heh, heh"
Slate: "Yeah, that's good, Todd."
Random concert goer #3: "New-Wave?!"
Random concert goer #2: "Oh, I'm gonna kick your ass, hard-hat."

"..Both wide-eyed and innocent
just waiting for their men.
Til they saw a fine young handsome narc
Who threw them in the pen..."

(guitar solo)

Trent(singing): "Now you'd think a holding
cell was the first place they'd get laid.
But the prisoners dicked themselves so
much, Attention wasn't paid,
to that sweet virile virgin,
from far off Brenton Woods...

(Todd gets punched in the face. His gang retaliates, and gets the same results. More bystanders wind up in this fight. Suddenly, chaos breaks out in the club. Few people are untouched by this fight. Of those that aren't Mystik Spiral, Jane, and Beavis and Butt-head, who just stand there thinking it's the coolest thing they've encountered tonight. Jane would normally be excited by all this, but realizes she and the band may be in danger.)

Jane(shouting):"Trent! I'll meet you and the band by the van in about five minutes!!"
Butt-head(Flirting with Jane): "Hey, mmbaby."
(Beavis grabs her rear end, and Butt-head tries it too.)
Jane: "Ahh!"
(Jane gives them both an elbow thrust to the face, and runs away)
Butt-head: "Whoa! She's hot!"
Beavis: "Yeah. That chick is like...a raging inferno, or something."

Scene Nine:
[Song: "Colin Zeal," by Blur.].
(Helen Morgendorffer pacing around at work, ranting and raving as usual)
Helen: "It's bad enought I've got a teenage snake pit that wants compensation for a permanent injury they caused. Now they want to counter-sue the parents of the kids who tried to protect the boy from those goons and sparked a riot!? Who's butt do I have to kiss to get something done right around here?!"
Marianne(Helen's Secretary): "Helen, it's for you. She says she's a friend of your daughter's."
Helen: "Tell her Quinn didn't mean to insult her when she criticized her clothes, accessories, and/or cosmetics."
Marianne: "I think it's about your other daughter."
Helen: "Uggh! Give me that. I'll take it. "(on Phone): "Yes, who is this?"
Jane(on phone as well, appearing in split-screen): "Mrs. Morgendorffer, Hi, it's Jane. Is Daria out of the hospital yet?"
Helen: "I'm afraid not, Jane. But there should be no reason you can't visit her today. I'd do it, but I've got a serious class-action suit to take care of today......."
Jane: "Yes, well it must be pretty serious if they've got you working on a Saturday."
Helen: "Well, you can always call the hospital, and tell them you're coming. Do you have their phone number?"
Jane: "Sure do. It always comes in handy in the event of any incidents of lead poisoning from paints and ceramics."
Helen: "Well if they try to stop you from visiting, you know you can always call me. In fact, I'll call and tell 'em you're going to visit her today."
Jane: Really? Thanks."
Helen: "Don't mention it."
(Helen hangs up)

Scene Ten:
[Song : "Pervert Nurse," by D.I. .].
(Shot of Hospital, then Daria's room)
SSW Announcer(female): "Tonight on the Sick Sad World week in review, the controversial hit "Gimme the Brick," by The Glory Jade Girls---Innuendo? Or worse,...meant to be taken literaly? You decide. Plus..."(sound effect between "headlines")
Daria(turning off TV): "They're really slipping."
(Jane enters the room)
Jane(enthusiastic):"Daria, I'm glad I found you. You wouldn't believe what happened last night at The Zen."
Daria(deadpan):"Let me guess, Trent's music had a message that the kids loved, but 'the man' didn't want to hear, so they sent the S.W.A.T. team to come down in force, like the jack-booted thugs that they are, in order to shut the club down."
Jane: "Well, pretty close."
Daria: "I see."
Jane(enthusiastic):"It was total chaos. There were these guys there last night. One of them was a guy with brown hair shaved on the sides, with braces, and an AC-DC tee-shirt, and the other had a blonde pompadour with a Metallica tee-shirt. And they both had this stupid laugh."
Daria(suddenly surprized):"Beavis and Butt-head?!"
Jane: "Err, yeah. And then tried to start moshing , but they got in a fight with this muscular greasy-blonde guy with a peach fuzz, and a tattoo of a flaming skull. with an eyepatch, and a knife in it's mouth over a banner which reads 'Life Sucks.' "
Daria(more surprized):"Todd Ianuzzi?!"
Jane: "Yeah, but I don't think his three fat friends, and the girl with the '80's hairdo shared the same name."
Daria: "Oh. That was Gina. She's his gun moll."
Jane: "So you know these people?"
Daria: "Just answer one question; Am I gonna have to bail the band out of jail again? (6) (Jane smirks and cocks one eyebrow at Daria) Anyway, they're some people I knew from Highland. Picture two people five times dumber than Kevin, and two or three times sleazier than Upchuck and that's Beavis & Butt-head."
Jane(doing the typical Lawndale shutter): "They both tried to put the moves on me. Thanks for warning me. Now, if I ever see them again, I'll just deck 'em harder than I did before."
Daria: "They're not worth it, really. Just be glad you got away while you still had the chance."
Doctor Phillips: "Good news, Daria, all your tests were inconclusive. We couldn't find anything wrong with you, so you're free to go. We'll send your parents the bill in the mail."
Daria: "You couldn't let me go when it was convenient for me, could you?"
Jane: "I'll stay, if you don't mind."
Doctor Phillips: "Well, I'm flattered, but unless you're visiting another patient, you'll have to leave too."
Jane: "Awww."

Scene Eleven:
[Song: "Never to be Found," by The Meat Puppets.]
Convoys of school buses, minivans, sport utility vehicles, hot rods, and recreational vehicles begin pouring onto the roads of Lawndale. Daria & Jane are walking down the side of the road, and can't ignore the sudden flow of traffic.
Jane: "Wow. It looks like half of Highland is coming here."
Daria: "A Highland Invasion, you say? Luckily, most of the people in the trailer parks are still being left behind."
Jane: "Well, some of them have already arrived.

(Jane points to a convoy of school buses in the parking lot, all modern-day forward control Blue Birds, with Fiat engines, and roof racks, colored in red and white, like the Highland High School flag. )

Mr. Buzzcut(shouting, as usual):"Well, well, What a surprise!! If it isn't Daria Morgendorffer!! The former student of Highland High, who excelled at every class she's ever attended, except for physical education, in which she scarcely applied herself, and almost always proved to be a complete failure!!"
Daria: "You forgot about my failing grade from Junior High cosmetology, where I refused to wear shades of lipstick, nail polish and eye shadow that I thought would make me look repulsive, rather than attractive."
Jane(Looking at Daria): "That's pretty much every shade, isn't it?"
Mr. Buzzcut(shouting):"HA! HA! HA! As usual, I'll just bet you think that sarcastic remark is funny!! I'll also bet that you've followed me, to the visiting field owned by this opposing team, just to make such a remark at my expense!! Perhaps you'd like to kindly explain your presence, so that I may possibly be relieved of this notion!!"
Daria: "I go to this school much as I hate to admit it."
Mr. Buzzcut(still shouting):"Is that so?! Well, let me reassure you missy, that with Bradley Buzzcut as coach of the Highland High Varsity Football Team, you can be assured that you'll have the opportunity to witness your former alma mata, give Lawndale High a permanent ass-whooping this weekend!! The question is, are you willing to risk viewing such an outcome?!"
Daria: "I don't care who beats who. Just leave me out of it."
Jane: "And me."
Mr. Buzzcut(shouting again):"That'd be your loss, ladies!!"

(Daria and Jane walk away)

Daria(sarcastic): "Wow. What a way to sell tickets."
Jane: "I don't mind the fact that he insults the school, but when he takes it out on me or you, it makes me want to deck him."
Daria: "Jane, look at him."(View of a Highland player using him as a tackling dummy, and failing) "Buzzcut could withstand a nuclear blast. Do you honestly think that you could deck him?"
Jane: "You're right. I'd have to shoot him."
Daria: "Don't shoot him. It'll only make him mad. You'll need a bazooka."
Jane(Seeing Upchuck): "I know of someone else I'd like to shoot with a bazooka."

Our Heroine and her Partner in Crime see Upchuck try to proposition a freckle-faced strawberry blonde haired girl, who appears to be no older than 15. Throughout the following conversation, they will only be seen in the background.

Upchuck: "And what, pray tell might be the name of this lovely creature standing before me?"
Girl: "Donna Tilove."
Upchuck: "Well, Miss Tilove. I presume the last four letters of your surname, are there for a reason, as in you are somebody worth loving."
Donna: "There have been stories like that in our family."
Daria: "Oh, brother."
Jane: "Did I just see a girl who actually likes Upchuck?"
Daria: "Perhaps we should step in and do something about it."
Jane: "No, no. I want to see how long it takes for her to smash his face in."
Upchuck: "Y'know, I'm Lawndale's High's offical football game announcer, but there's no reason that we as individuals should be rivals, do you?"
Donna: "Well, if the other side has boys who look like you, I'm willing to surrender anytime."
Upchuck: "Perhaps you'd like to spend some time with me in a special camping spot behind the stadium, that I know about."
Donna: "If you've got no other plans, I'd love to."
Upchuck: "Fabulous."
(Upchuck sees Ted DeWitt-Clinton walking by, minding his own business)
Upchuck: "Oh, Ted, I've got a date for the weekend, and she's going to keep me quite busy. I was hoping someone as smart as you could take my place, as M.C. for this week's big game against Highland."
Ted DeWitt-Clinton(concerned): "You want me to substitue your job at the game?"
Upchuck(sneakily)"Ted, buddy. I hope you don't think I'm using you."
Ted: "Well I did take an independent study on FCC License and Broadcasting regulations, for Amateur Radio, so you've made the right choice in asking me. I'm your man"
Upchuck: "Terrific. Glad you could take my place. Lawndale High needs skilled announcers like us."
Ted: "You won't be sorry."
(Zooms back to Daria & Jane)
Jane: "I don't believe it."
Daria: "You had to stop me from saving a young girl's life, didn't you?"
Jane: "Perhaps I'll sell all my art supplies and buy one of those giant mining shovels, so I can find out if hell has frozen over."

(Daria & Jane continue their walk, when Helen drives by and pulls over)
Helen: "Daria, I just found out you were discharged from the hospital. Guess what? I've got four tickets to the Lawndale-Highland Football game. Your father and I are taking you and Quinn with us."
Daria: "You WHAT?! No way."
Helen: "Don't try to bribe your way out of it, Daria. And don't think you can scalp away any of those tickets, either. They're not leaving my purse until we get to the game."
Daria: "Suddenly, you made me wish I was back in the hospital."
Jane: "Say, if you go, could you take me back so I can meet Doctor Phillips? I think I might've caught some hospital-born disease along the way."

Scene Twelve:
(Shot of Lawndale Police Station, then holding cells.)
Beavis & Butt-head in the holding cells, along with Todd's gang and some other people from The Zen. and some uninvolved prisoners, including some regulars. Most are minding their own business. Two tough looking Afro-American prisoners(think of the two Gene Wilder & Richard Pryor first met in "Stir Crazy) approach Todd, one of which has an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

Prisoner #1: "Alright, Peachfuzz. Gimme a light, and your wallet."
Prisoner #2: "Better yet, we'll just grab it out of your back pocket."
Todd: "Hey, Man. Back off, or I'll kick your asses.
Prisoner #2: "What'd you say, sweet cheeks?"
Todd: "You asked for it."

(Big fight occurs O.S.)

Beavis: "Woah! Check it out, Butt-head. Todd's kicking those two dudes asses."
Butt-Head: "Yeah. Todd's always kicking people's asses. That's 'cuz he rules."
(Butt-head approaces a third prisoner, a 6 foot tall man with medium-length hair and acne-scars who looks like he hasn't shaved in two days. Overall, a pretty scary looking guy.)
Butt-head: "Uhh,... huh-huh-huh,...what're you in for, dude?"
Prisoner #3: "Bein' an' out of town driver."
Butt-head(not believing him): "Okay. Whatever."
(Two of the Sheriff's Deputies approach the door of the jail cell)
Deputy #1: "Ianuzzi. Let's go. You and your friend are getting a ride home."
Todd: "No way, man. I don't want no damn cops!"
Deputy #1: "Cops? We didn't say they were cops.(To Deputy #2) Check his criminal record."
Deputy #2: "Right."
(Deputy #2 Leaves)
Deputy #1: "Hey, one of them is named Leroy. He said he was a friend of yours."
Todd: "I told you people. The only person I'll accept bail from is my girlfriend."
Deputy #1: "Look, the man just set you free. Take it or leave it."
Butt-head: "Dude, you should take it. If the guys really an enemy spy, you can just kick his ass."
Beavis: "Yeah. Yeah. Heh-heh-heh. And we can help too."
Todd: "Did I say anything to you little turds? No I didn't think so. So SHUT THE F...."
Male Voice Outside: "Hey! You people in the Jail Cell! Stand Back!"

Most of the prisoners do as they're told, because they know what's next. So does the deputy. The "out-of-state driver" and B&B don't catch on right away, in fact B&B don't catch on at all. A big explosion occurs on the side, knocking cinder blocks all over the place, and right on top of the dimwitted duo. Since this is a cartoon, they rise up from the rubble. Though battered and bruised they suddenly get a clue about what's happening, and they swear it's the coolest thing ever.

Beavis & Butt-head(together): "JAIL-BREAK!!!!!"
[Song: "Jail Break," by Thin Lizzy(Isn't it obvious?).].(Song plays as B&B are busy doing their usual air guitar jam, while prisoners randomly break out of the jail cell at the Lawndale police station, all going their seperate ways. B&B finish their air guitar duet, and leave too, as camera pulls away from the building, and act two ends.)

Fade out, as music continues. Pre-commercial to slow-mo pan of Jane elbowing Beavis and Butt-head, then a slow-mo pan of Mr. Buzzcut yelling at Daria & Jane. Commercial Break #2, Here.

Scene Thirteen/Act Three:
[Song: "Mr. Touchdown, U.S.A." by William Katz, Gene Piller & Ruth Roberts, as played by the Lawndale High School Marching Band] (8)
The day of the big game has arrived, and practically all of Lawndale, and a good portion of Highland has reason to celebrate. Beavis and Butt-head have just stepped into the announcer's booth.
Ted-DeWitt Clinton(turning the microphone off): "Hey, you can't come in here. This is the announcer's booth."
Butt-head: "Uhh, actually we were sent here by a girl at a concession stand. She says she wants to spend a few minutes under the cash register with you."
Ted: "Are you talking about Stephanie, that sweet, perky alluring redhead?"
Beavis: "Yeah. Yeah. That's her. Heh-heh-heh. Booooiiiiiiinnggg!"
Ted: "Well, I guess the fans can wait throught the national anthem. (in a sing-song manner) Oh, Stephanie."
(Ted runs off).
Butt-head: "Huh, huh, huh, huh. That kid was a wuss."
Beavis: "Heh heh heh, yeah. And he was stupid, too."
Butt-head: "Huh, huh, yeah. This's gonna be cool."

Scene Fourteen:
(Microphone Feedback)
Butt-head: "Uhhh,...Testes, testes, one, two,..three?
(Players, cheerleades, bandmembers and fans groan).
Beavis: "Heh heh heh,..Testes, one, two,...three...."
(Groans of bewilderment and disgust come from the stands. Referee blows whistle. A time out has been called on the game, as we cut to the field.).
Kevin: "Hey, that's not Upchuck. What gives?"
Mack: "Ted DeWitt-Clinton was supposed to sub for him so he could spend time with his new girlfriend. Only those guys aren't him."
Jeffy: "Who the hell let those morons in the booth?"
Beavis: "Whoa. Check it out. It's that smart-chick Daria."
(Camera zooms towards Daria from a view of the stands.)
Butt-head(O.S.): "Diarreah! Cha-cha-cha!..."
Beavis and Butt-head(O.S., Beavis joining in): "Diarreah! Cha-cha-cha! Diarreah! Cha-cha-cha! Diarreah! Cha-cha-cha!"
(Some laughter in the stands, though certianly not from our herione.)
Ms. Li: "Where is Charles Ruttheimer? We can't have this sort of thing going on here. This is not a good sign."(Reaches for two-way radio)"Security, get to the announcer's booth, and throw those lunkheads out, whoever the are, pronto!"
(Camera shifts to rival Principal McVicker, who's on leave from a mental institution, in restraints like Hannibal Lechter from "Silence of the Lambs.")
Principal McVicker(shaking): "Oh, no! B-B-Beavis, and B-Butt-head are back from the grave! Trust me, Ms. Li. This school will be cursed forever, just like Highland!"
(Camera opens to two burly male nurses)
Male Nurse #1: "Calm down, Mr. McVicker. It's only your imagination."
(View from booth again)
Butt-head: "Hey, Beavis. Todd's gang is in the stands over there."
Beavis: "Yeah. Todd rules. It's cool the way him and his gang broke out of prison."
(View of Todd shaking in anger, turning red.)
Butt-head(O.S.): "That's 'cuz they work for the government. If they didn't, they'd still be in jail. Huh-huh-huh. They're G-Men."
Beavis(O.S.): "Yeah. Yeah. Original Gangstaaaaahhhhhs."
Todd: "Ngggahhhh! I'm gonna go kill those little turds!"
[Song: "Revenge," by Ministry.].
(Todd immediately runs to the nearest gate in the bleachers. Psycho and JD look at each other, and follow Todd, the rest of the gang joins them.)
(View from broadcast booth)
Butt-head(on the mike): "Umm, we may be the visitors, but our team's gonna kick your's ass."
(more groans from the stands)
Beavis(poorly imitating Saddam Hussein):"The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!! The mother of all wars has begun!!!"
Butt-head: "Yeah. Huh-huh-huh. That'd be cool."
(View of doorway to the broadcaster's booth and two security guards breaking them down). Security Guard #1: "Alright, you two. Pull out of the booth, right now!"
Butt-head: "Huh-huh-huh-huh! He said 'pull out'."
Security Guard #2: "MOVE IT, RUNTS!!"
(Todd barges in)
Todd: "You're asses are MINE!"
Security Guard #2: "We'll hanbdle this, kid."
Todd: "Screw you, Rent-a-Cop! I want 'em!"
(Commotion and occasional feedback can be heard on the mike)
Ted(O.S.): "Hey, you two tricked me. You said there was a girlfriend for me working at the concession booth. Now you'll pay."
Todd(O.S.): "Stay outta this, chump!"
(Sound of Ted being strangled)
Ted(O.S.): "Hey, let go o' me."
Todd(O.S.): "ARRRGH!"
Psycho(O.S.): "Let me at 'im, Todd. Ahhh! What's this geek doin' to me?!"
(Fighting continues in the booth as B & B escape).
Quinn: "Wow! If I didn't know any better, I'd say Ted is fighting them all at once, like in those cheap Kung Fu movies."
Daria: "Guess those asymmetrical exercises have paid off again."
Mrs. Dickey: "He seems like a good boyfriend for you, Daria."
Daria(sighing): "I told my family and friend, and now I'm telling you: He's not my boyfriend."
Helen: "Daria's not exactly a social butterfly."
Mrs. Dickey: "You really should try to get more involved in afterschool activities, Daria. Your photography skills are the key to a chance encounter with some male models."
Daria: "And just think of all the handsome right-wing militia men I could meet with my chemistry skills."
Mrs. Dickey: "You can't keep thinking that every boy you meet is going to be like Beavis or Butt-head or any of the ones you didn't like from Highland High. You know what you need?"
Daria: "Umm, I need to go to the ladie's room."
(..and she does)

Scene Fifteen:
[Song: "Skipping School," by Chris Mars.]
(Scenes of Daria rushing into the women's bathroom beneath the bleachers, as song plays in background. Camera follows Daria to the bathroom, and stops at the door. Approximatley 5 seconds later(Hey, it's television), we hear a flush, and she walks out as music continues. Camera follows her into a nearby wooded area. Finally, she's made her escape. As the music fades, another familiar voice rings in her ear.)
David Van Driessen: "Daria Morgendorffer. What a pleasent surprise. I just thought I'd take a nature walk behind the field during the game. I knew you moved, but I didn't expect to see you in Lawndale."
Daria: "Apparently, that's proven not to be far enough away lately."
Mr. Van Drissen(chuckling): "Yes, well that kind of sarcasm is what I've always missed about you. I'd have to say that teaching has been a lot more difficult since you've left."
Daria(sarcastic): "Okay. You might want to try the top drawer on your right. There are books that're similar to ours, but they're called 'teacher's manuals.'"
Mr. Van Driessen: "You mean, all those years you've been cheating?"
Daria: "I didn't have to."
Mr. Van Driessen: "Well, that's good, because we should always try to keep an eye out on people who try to make us do things we wouldn't normally do. Y'know, the pressure to fit in with other teenagers can often be overwhelming...."
Daria: "So much so, that I make every effort to do otherwise."
Mr. Van Driessen: "But aren't you worried that you could be missing out on the best times of your life?"
Daria: "How can you say that about an age where we have no legal control over our own destinies?"
Mr. Van Driessen: "Daria, it may seem that way to you now, but when you're out there in the real world, and have to take more responsibility for your life, you'll wish you were a teenager again."
Daria: "If you feel so strongly about it, why don't you give up your personal freedom to people who think they know what's best for you better than you do, simply because you're under age?"
Mr. Van Driessen: "Hmm, well,...hopefully you'll change your mind about this when you grow up."
Daria: "God! What is with you people? I got dragged to a football game I didn't want to go to, I got publically humiliated by Beavis and Butt-head, I got a lecture on finding boyfriends I don't want from Mrs. Dickey, and my mother, and now you're giving me the usual phony speech on appreciating some sentimental teenage fantasy life that doesn't even exist.(beat) Just Go. Take your nature walk. Maybe even bring Cassandra with you. Just leave me out of this whole miserable day."
(Daria storms off. Mr. Van Driessen is shocked)

Scene Sixteen:
Donna(from bushes): "Ooh, Charlie. That felt wonderful."
Daria(thinking): "Charlie?! This girl has to be disturbed."
Upchuck(from bushes): "Perhaps you'd like to do it again sometime?"
Donna(from bushes): "I wanna go further."
(Daria grabs one of the bushes, pushes it to the side, and finds Upchuck and that same freckle-faced strawberry blonde haired girl, from the schoolyard yesterday, in a half-opened sleeping bag. They're not naked, yet, which is okay, because at least Daria doesn't have to look at Upchuck's body.)
Upchuck & Donna(Both Screaming)
Donna: "Charlie, it's a stalker!"
Upchuck: "No, my sweets. It's a girl I once had a crush on, but it's all over now."
Daria: "It never even started. (to Donna) And it's not too late for you to finish it with him."
Upchuck: "Daria, you could've be here riding the Chuckmeister, but you blew it. And so has you're friend over there."
(Jane arrives on the scene, but Daria just finds out)
Jane: "Do you know what going out with this man will do to you, kid?"
Daria: "I tried talking her out of it."
Upchuck: "Face it, Toots. You girls had the opportunity, and you let it pass you by. Now it's your loss, and Donna's gain(growls seductively)."
Donna(giggling): "Awww. Too bad for her."
Daria: "I think I'm going to throw up."
Upchuck: "Well do it somewhere else, please."
(Both walk away)
Donna(O.S.): "What was that about?"
Upchuck(O.S.): "Oh, they're just jealous."
Jane: "Look on the bright side, He'll never harass any other woman again. We're free to carry out or own undisturbed romantic pursuits."
Daria: "Correction, You're free to carry out your own romantic pursuits."
Jane: "Oh yeah, that reminds me, I've gotta deal with Upchuck X2."
Daria: "If they're still bothering you, we'd better team up."
Jane(surprized): "Daria. That's so unlike you. But still, you'd better take off. I wanna handle them myself."

(Too late. Daria tries to leave, but Beavis and Butt-head spot them as they approach)

[Song: "Goon Squad," by Elvis Costello and the Attractions.]
Beavis and Butt-head(Together): "DI-AR-REAH, CHA CHA CHA! DI-AR-REAH, CHA CHA CHA! DI-AR-REAH, CHA CHA CHA!"
Daria(feigning surprise): "Beavis and Butt-head?!"
Jane: "You know these two losers?"
Daria: "I know they're not worth the effort of fighting against."
Jane: "Right. And I suppose it's only recently they've been groping whoever they want."
Daria: "The last time I saw them, they were playing hookey, and when the principal tried to call their parents, they told him they were dead. It was a big media sensation that accomplished nothing, except to draw attention to the stupidity of Highland." (9)
Jane: "I've gotta try that sometime."
Butt-head: Huh-huh-huh. Yeah. That was cool."
Daria: "So. Are we going to stand here reminiscing, or are you gonna tell us what you're doing in Lawndale?"
Beavis: "We were gonna join Todd's gang."
Daria: "Again?"
Butt-head: "Yeah. And y'know what's cool about that?"
Daria(Sarcastic): "Their empasis on petty theft, and random violence over personal hygeine?"
Jane: "Where have you been coming up with this stuff?"
Butt-head: "They're secret agents."
Daria: "Did they tell you this?"
Butt-head: "Uhh,(beat) yeah."
Beavis: "But first we saw 'em on TV."
Jane(with one raised eyebrow): "That wouldn't happen to have been an episode of ' Sick Sad World, ' would it.?"
Butt-head: "Uhhh,... I dunno."
Daria(To Jane): "I think it was. Remember, it was the episode that suggested that some street gangs were federal agents in disguise? Well most of the ones they showed in that stock footage probably weren't. (To B&B) And Todd's gang certianly wasn't among the ones that were."
Butt-head: "Dammit! This sucks. We came all this way to this crappy town with Todd's gang, thinking they were cooler than we thought . Now we find, umm....well, they're still pretty cool."
Beavis: "Wait, Butt-head. You said this town was cool."
Butt-head: "Shut up, butt-munch. Don't make me kick your ass."
(Butt-head smacks Beavis)
Beavis: "Ahhh! Cut it out, Fart-knocker."
(Beavis smacks Butt-head)
Butt-head: "Ass-face!"
(Butt-head swats Beavis)
Beavis: "Bunglick."
(Beavis backslaps Butt-head)
Butt-head: "Weinerhead."
(Smack-fight begins to heat up, but not as bad as before when they were in Highland. It's more like the ones they had in "Beavis and Butt-head Do America.").
Daria(lasciviously): "Ohhh, guys...(cocky) guys,....(shouts) guys!"
(B & B look at Daria, with their hand still on each other).
Daria: "If you really wanna see something in this town that's cool, go look in those bushes...(pointing to the same ones where Upchuck and Donna are making out)..right over there."
Butt-head: "What're we gonna see?"
Daria(seductively): "You'll find out."
(Beavis and Butt-head scurry towards the bushes that Daria pointed to. We hear them in the distance as their backs are turned to us.)
Beavis: "I'll bet there's nacho's back there."
Butt-head: "Well, I'll bet it's nachos and burritos."
Beavis: "Yeah, well I bet it's nachos, burritos and naked chicks." (B & B's conversation continues, as Daria and Jane begin to leave, walking towards the camera.)
Daria: "C'mon, Jane. You don't want to see what's about to go down here."
(Daria & Jane leave)
Donna(O.S.): "Ohh, Charlie, be gentle. Go slow..."
Both shriek as they spot B&B Off Screen.
Butt-head(O.S.): "Whoa. Cool."

Scene Seventeen:
[Song: "Witchdoctor," by The Sidewinders.]
(Daria & Jane at Pizza King)
Jane: "Alright, so you don't know everybody from Highland, so how do you know her?"
Daria: "The kid's a little sister of one of Quinns friends. I used to get invited to her slumber parties, because I was the only one who had an adult library card. I used to read books like 'Sons and Lovers,' (10) 'The Fixer,' 'Valley of the Dolls,' 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,...' She must've listened in through the wall, or something when she was a little girl."
Jane(sarcastic):"It's a shame the way they raise kids today. You should have a talk with her mother. That'll show her."
Daria: "No, you were right about one thing; It's better for Upchuck to get into Donna's hair, than into ours. So as much as I'd like to mess things up for Quinn and one of her friends, and as nauseating as the thought of Upchuck with a girlfriend is, I think I'll let their romantic fling run its course."
Jane: "And just how do you plan to wreak havoc upon Lawndale and the rest of the world, now that you're out of the hospital?"
Daria: "I think I'll spend the next week in my room, posting evil messages on the internet...unless maybe Mystik Spiral's got another concert next week."
Jane: "Now that's the Daria Morgendorffer we all know and love. Staying true to yourself, despite the winds of peer pressure, by avoiding all peers. Glad to have you back."
Daria: "Honestly, though. Do you really think that if Upchuck ever found a girl who would stoop so low as to go out with him, that he'd really leave us alone?"
Jane: "Nahhh. He'd gloat about it in our faces for a couple of weeks."
(Daria looks down and feels her mid-section)
Daria: "Wow. I really had too much soda with my pizza. I need to go to the ladies room."
Jane: "Gonna freshen up for a night on the town, before you shut yourself in?"
Daria(sarcastic): "Yeah, and when I come back, I'll look like either a hooker or a Bronx Shirley."

Scene Eighteen[Song: "Ricky's Theme," by The Beastie Boys.]
(Pizza King women's bathroom)
Daria walks into the bathroom. There are three stalls and she walks into the furthest stall to the left of the camera. Later Donna opens the door and looks around.
Donna: "The coast is clear."

Donna walks in with Upchuck, unbeknownst to our heroine.They sneak into the stall next to Daria, and close the door.

Donna(O.S.): "Say, this was a kinky idea to make out in the girls bathroom of a Pizza King."
Upchuck(O.S.):"I hope you find this stall, to be cozy enough, sweetcheeks."
Donna(O.S.): "Ohhh, yes."
Daria(O.S.): "Oh, no."(Sound of Daria vomiting in stall. Upchuck and Donna hear her and burst out of their stall running, and then out the women's room door as final scene ends).

[Song: "Leave Me Alone,"by The Cavedogs.]
Quinn as Marlo Thomas(flying her "That Girl" kite).
Quinn as Daria.
Helen as Beavis in Cornholio mode & Jake as Butt-head.
Jake in a racing car, looking like a "Big Daddy" Roth t-shirt. (11)
Sandi as Ruby Romaine. (12)
Jane as Lita Ford.
Angela Li as a Gibson Girl. (13)
Trent as Johnny Bravo.
Stacy as Shari Lewis w/Lambchop.
Brittany as Sylvia Barrett. (14)
Bradley Buzzcutt as Abbie Hoffman.
Todd Ianuzzi as Lawrence Welk.
Daria as Jennifer Anniston(in her [in]famous "Rachel" hairdo).
Offical Daria Logo.


Author's Notes: 1, 2) All background music presented in this fanfic are real songs. None of them were created by me, except for "Little Runaway" by Mystik Spiral. While I'm uncertian as to whether or not the songs "Tarantula," by Dogbowl & Kramer, and "War of the Superbikes," by The Meatmen," accompany any music videos, those of you who are familiar with these two can certianly imagine what they would look like, and therefore would find Beavis and Butt-head's reactions to them appropriate.

3)John Facenda(1913-1984), a.k.a.; "The Voice of God,"was a pioneering Philadelphia, Pennsylvania television reporter who also served as the offical announcer for the films of the National Football League from 1956 until his death in 1984.

4)Doctor Phillips was seen in "Ill"(episode #208).

5)"MUTCD code #D2-2," is an offical U.S. code for a specific type of highway sign, which can be found in the Manual of Uniform Traffic Control Devices. This is an important government document for state and local highway departments, but is also quite popular among road geeks like myself.

6)Daria also had to bail Jane and Mystik Spiral out of jail in "Speedtrapped"(episode #310).

7)I actually knew a girl named Donna Tilove. She was nothing like the Donna Tilove in this story, which is why I was originally hesitant to give this character her surname.

8)Originally, I wanted to make the Lawndale High Marching Band play the theme from N.F.L Films, then the Theme from "They Call it Pro Football." However, I had no idea who the conductor was, so I had to settle for the better known, and hopelessley cliched, "Mr. Touchdown, U.S.A.," by Katz, Piller & Roberts.

9)Re; Beavis and Butt-head's final episode "Beavis and Butt-head are Dead."(11/28/1997.)

10)Re; "The Daria Diaries," by Peggy Nicoll; section "Masochist's Memories."

11)Ed "Big Daddy" Roth is an artist best known for drawing grotesque, oversized figures(especially his trademark "Big Rat") driving exaggerated hot rods, with the driver's heads sticking out of the roofs.

12)"Ruby Romaine" is one of the characters played by Tracey Ullman, on the show "Tracey Takes On..."

13)A "Gibson Girl" is the 1890's media-driven ideal woman originally drawn by cartoonist Charles Dana Gibson(1867-1944). The alter-ego I have in mind is based on his 1903 painting "The Eternal Question."

14)"Sylvia Barrett" was the attractive young idealistic teacher who took her first job at a tough New York City high school in the 1964 Bel Kaufman pop-novel "Up the Down Staircase," which was made into a 1967 movie featuring Sandy Dennis(1937-1992), in her first starring role.

Disclaimer #2: Daria was created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. Beavis and Butt-head were created by Mike Judge. All three characters and the rest of the supporting cast, with the exception of Donna Tilove and minor nameless characters are property of MTV Productions, and are used without permission. This story is not to be sold or profited from, nor was it intended to be sold or profited from by the author. Chevrolet is a division of General Motors Corporation. Plymouth and Duster are trademarks of Daimler-Chrysler AG. Blue Bird is a trademark of Blue Bird Body Corporation. Fiat is a trademark of FIAT S.p.A. Thanks to Kemical Reaxion for the HTML conversion.