The Exercise Project
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Outside Lawndale courthouse. Helen and Dr. Davidson are walking down the stairs)

Dr. Davidson: I still can't believe it. Me being charged with malpractice. So what if I didn't notice that tumor. Do I look like I have X-ray vision?

Helen: It's over now.

Dr. Davidson: I'm amazed at how fast you got her to drop the charges. What did you do?

Helen: That's my little secret. (under her breath) But I guess she'll be more careful with what she throws into the trash in the future.

Dr. Davidson: I'm really grateful. Anything I can do in return?

Helen: (laughs) Pay my bill.

Dr. Davidson: I know. How about some free physicals. I don't think I've seen your daughter since she had that rash. (1)

Helen: Actually I have two daughters. I guess I just don't take them to see a doctor very often.

Dr. Davidson: Both in good health?

Helen: (beat) That's one reason.

(Flashback. A younger Helen is talking with a doctor. A little Daria and a little Quinn are standing next to her)

Doctor: (bows down to Daria and Quinn) My, what lovely girls you have there.

Helen: (smiles) Oh please.

Quinn: If you're, like, a doctor, can you give me plastic surgery?

Daria: I want a third eye. Red.

(Helen buries her face in her hands)

(Flashback ends)

(The Morgendorffer's are having breakfast. Daria is standing in front of the microwave)

Quinn: Mu-oom. Do something. Daria is having lasagna for breakfast. It's disgusting.

Daria: Tom took me out for dinner last night. I'm trying to catch up on dad's food.

Jake: That's great, kiddo.

Helen: Oh, Jake.

Quinn: I mean. If you look at me...

Daria: Not if I can avoid it.

Quinn: Uhhh. I'm having shredded wheat with low fat milk.

Daria: Quinn is showing solidarity with the starving masses of Ethiopia.

Jake: That's great, kiddo.

Helen: Oh, Jake... Now girls. Remember your appointments today. I'll come by afterwards.

Daria: But I wanted Jane to be the first to see my new bionic limbs.

Quinn: (nervous) About that. I met this really cute guy... I mean I have to study. So maybe if you postpone...

Helen: Don't say it, Quinn. Don't even think it.

(Dr. Davidson's office. Helen is talking with Dr. Davidson. Daria and Quinn are standing next to her)

Dr. Davidson: I asked your daughters about their eating habits. Daria said she lives on Ambrosia (2) and the apples of Idun (3).

Daria: All thanks to internet shopping.

Dr. Davidson: But after I gave her 10 bucks she confessed that her diet generally consists of lasagna and pizza. This I believe is the reason for her weight problem.

Helen: Weight problem?

Quinn: He's saying that Daria is fat, mom.

Dr. Davidson: Well, not in those words.

Helen: Daria? But how? If you look at her...

Dr. Davidson: The reason it doesn't show has to do with her height.

Quinn: He's saying that Daria is too short.

Daria: (annoyed) But at least my expected lifespan is considerably longer since no one will be coming into my bedroom with a golf club tonight.

(Quinn laughs nervously)

Dr. Davidson: Now Quinn's situation is the opposite of Daria's.

Daria: He's saying that Quinn looks like she's just gotten liberated from a nazi concentration camp.

Quinn: That's not what he said!!!

Helen: Can we take this conversation outside?

Dr. Davidson: (relieved) I thought you'd never ask.

(Outside the office)

Helen: So Daria is too thick and Quinn is too thin. Is that it?

Dr. Davidson: In broad terms. What worries me is that their blood cell counts are a little low for someone their age.

Helen: Meaning?

Dr. Davidson: Mrs. Morgendorffer. How much exercise do Daria and Quinn get?

(Helen gets a concerned look on her face)

(The Morgendorffer's are having dinner. Jake is filling Quinn's plate with spaghetti)

Quinn: Dad. You don't have to do that. I can take my own food.

Jake: But the doctor said you're too thin. So I'm giving you an extra large portion.

(Jake puts the plate in front of Quinn. He takes Daria's plate)

Jake: Since the doctor said that you're fa... I mean obese, Daria, you can only have salad.

(Jake fills Daria's plate with salad and puts it in front of her)

Daria: He also said that I'm too short. You're not trying to stunt my growth are you?

Jake: Why no, of course not. I mean...

Quinn: She can have my plate, dad. (to Daria) Are you going to eat that?

Daria: Be my guest.

(Daria and Quinn change plates)

Jake: Helen?

Helen: It's not the food, Jake. Dr. Davidson said that if they got more exercise the problem would go away. Daria would burn more calories and Quinn would get a healthier appetite.

Daria: If you're so concerned, how about you send us both to sports camp this summer?

Jake: That's an idea.

Quinn: But, dad...

Helen: We can't send Daria to camp anymore. She graduates this summer.

Daria: Oh me, oh my. Guess you'll just have to send Quinn alone then.

Quinn: But wouldn't it be better if I did something I can put on my college application? (fake smile)

(Helen looks cross at Daria and Quinn)

(A street in Lawndale. Early morning. Helen, Daria and Quinn are speed walking. Quinn is wearing sunglasses and a hood is covering her face)

Daria: Don't look back, mom. But I think the unabomber is following us.

Quinn: Oh ha, ha, Daria. I can't run the risk of people seeing me with you... I mean, like this. It would be the social death of me.

Daria: What people? It's 6:30 in the morning. Mom, can't you just tell us what it is we've done wrong? We promise not to do it again.

Helen: You brought this on yourself. You need more exercise. And since I can't rely on you to get it yourselves, you two will be speed walking with me from now on.

Quinn: But mu-oom.

Helen: (her phone rings, she answers it) Oh hi, Eric. No, of course I don't mind you calling me at this hour. I see. Yes. But what if we...

(Daria and Quinn stop walking and look at each other. Daria points to the left. Quinn nods her head yes)

(Daria and Jane are walking to school)

Daria: So since we knew mom's route we took a shortcut and waited until she passed us by. Then we followed her, and when we came home she thought we had been walking behind her the whole time.

Jane: Congratulations, Holmes. Dr. Moriarty's evil plan to prevent you from turning into a couch potato has been met with defeat.

Daria: Excuse me. Are you siding with my mom?

Jane: Who, me? Never. I don't care if she's right this time. You cheat at gym whenever you see a chance. Walking to and from school is practically the only exercise you get. But how come Quinn has a problem? Doesn't she do power yoga? (4)

Daria: You know. Her and sweat.

Jane: And you don't see a problem here?

Daria: So I'm a few pounds above my ideal weight. It's not like I want to become a model.

Jane: And your low blood cell counts?

Daria: Easily solved. I'll get a transfusion from someone with high blood cell counts. (looks at Jane)

Jane: Stop looking at me.

Daria: I didn't look at you.

Jane: You did to.

Daria: Will you come over to my place after school?

Jane: Get away from me!

Daria: (smirk) Why?

Jane: You do realize, of course, that this means war.

Daria: Side with my mom and you pay the price. By the way, did you watch "Buffy" last night?

(A street in Lawndale. Early morning. Helen is speed walking while talking on the phone. She meets Jane who is running towards her)

Helen: ... but I can't call the judge at this hour. Well it's different for you, Marianne. You work for me. (sees Jane) See you at the office. (hangs up) Oh hi, Jane.

Jane: Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Mind if I tag along with you?

Helen: Why, of course not. I'm sure Daria will be thrilled.

Jane: How come?

Helen: Why, to get the chance to exercise with you.

Jane: I think I hear the car with the men in white coats coming this way. And it's not for me.

Helen: What's that supposed to mean? Daria wouldn't you... (turns her head, stops) But they were here a moment ago.

Jane: Clearly a matter for the X-Files.

Helen: (angry) So that's why they're always so quiet when they're speed walking with me. (nervous) Am I a bad mother?

Jane: I think you're asking the wrong person. You know, I can take Daria running. For a minor fee that is. Say a 100 bucks a month.

Helen: That's very kind of you, Jane. (narrows her eyes) But I'm afraid this situation call for more drastic measures to be taken.

Jane: Um. Do you mind not telling Daria you met me here. She's already looking at my neck in a funny way.

(Daria and Quinn are sitting behind a bush. They're playing poker)

Daria: I raise with a week of free help with your homework.

Quinn: And I raise with a week where you get the bathroom first.

Daria: (puts her cards down) Two pairs.

Quinn: (puts her cards down) Four queens.

Daria: What?! How did that happen?

Quinn: You may have a perfect pokerface. But *I* am a master of faking joy and sadness.

Daria: Where did you learn to do that?

Quinn: Oh, Daria. What do you think people do on dates?

Daria: (beat) I'll have plenty of time to win it back.

Quinn: How long do you think we'll have to do this?

Daria: It's the old story. Mom realizes that not everything is right with her teens. Mom feels guilty and worries about being a bad mother. First she tries to do in days what usually takes months.

Quinn: Like when we have to spend "quality" time with her on Sundays, because that's the only day she's got time to be with us?

Daria: Exactly. Of course mom's approach only succeeds in alienating us further, so finally she has to turn to bribes to get us to do what she wants.

Quinn: So why hasn't she done that this time?

Daria: The problem is what the doctor said about our blood cell counts. If it was just our weight we could talk our way out of it. But this has her freaked out. We'll just have to wait until she's calmed down enough to bribe us into a sport.

(Helen sneaks up on them. Daria and Quinn don't notice her)

Quinn: You think we can ever tell mom how she went speed walking on her own all those mornings?

Daria: Maybe in a speech at her 60th birthday.

Quinn: (smirk) But that's so soon.

(Daria giggles. Helen scowls)

Daria: Another game?

Quinn: Sure.

Helen: Mind if I join you?

Daria & Quinn: AAAAAAH!!

(Lawndale High. The fashion club are standing by the lockers)

Quinn: So then at breakfast my mom said she was going to tell us what was wrong with our family. Then I asked if that wouldn't make me late for school. But that only made her more mad.

Sandi: Well. I guess I can't blame you, Quinn. Speed walking with your mom is a definite fashion *don't*.

Stacy: Not to mention you might get sweat stains.

Tiffany: Stacy. Eeeew.

Stacy: Sorry.

Quinn: So now she wants me to bond and exercise with them this weekend. (sigh) And the weekend after that. And the next.

Tiffany: Bondage. Eeeew.

(Quinn, Sandi and Stacy stare at Tiffany)

Tiffany: What?

Sandi: So what will you be doing?

Quinn: (sigh) Camping in the woods.

Sandi: I just hope nothing happens. We wouldn't want you to end up like those people in that movie.

Quinn: What movie?

Sandi: "The Blair Witch Project". But that *was* just a movie. I'm sure no one will be hanging things from the trees, or kidnap you, or pull your teeth out, or make you stand in a corner, or...

Stacy: Stop it, Sandi. You're scaring me.

(Quinn looks nervous)

(Pizza palace. Daria and Jane are sharing a pizza. Jane is looking guilty)

Jane: Camping? Didn't they end up eating poisonous berries last time? (5)

Daria: Who said they learn from their mistakes?

Jane: It's not like they can make you go you know. You're 18 now.

Daria: I did mention that. But then my mom mentioned how she might send me on a vacation to Europe after I graduate.

Jane: Wow. Talk about a bribe.

Daria: Actually she mentioned it the first time at Christmas. I suspect her reason for mentioning it this time was to remind me that she hadn't actually bought the ticket yet.

Jane: Hey. It's just a vacation.

Daria: It's also my chance to get as far away from Lawndale as humanly possible, short of space travel. Nope I guess it's the death march for me.

Jane: Isn't China the place furthest away from Lawndale?

Daria: True. But if I call mom and dad from Amsterdam I can give them both sleepless nights.

Jane: Delayed revenge. Devious.

(Kevin and Brittany enters)

Jane: I smell something stupid. And it's coming this way.

Daria: But sometimes their company can be quite entertaining.

Jane: Twenty clams?

Daria: Deal.

Brittany: Hey Daria and Jane. Look what Kevie gave me. (holds her left hand out, there is a very thin silver ring on her little finger) He got it at Cashman's. I know because I went with him this time. (6)

Jane: Didn't they have anything smaller?

Daria: Trust Kevin to know his way around romance.

Kevin: (surprised) How do you know about romance? No, wait. Her name isn't romance - it's Roxanne.

(Brittany stares at Kevin with open mouth)

Kevin: Uh-oh. (flees Pizza Palace)

Brittany: He's cheating on me again! Bawaaa! (sits at the table next to Daria and Jane) Oh why must I eat the pizza of despair?

Daria: That's number 42 I think.

Jane: Damn. (hands Daria 20 bucks)

Daria: By the way. Do you mind if Tom joins us here tomorrow? I could use a last meal with the people I like.

Jane: Okay, I confess. I did it.

Daria: What're you talking about?

Jane: I ran into your mom this morning. On purpose.

Daria: Excuse me? You mean it's your fault my weekends will be ruined from now on? How could you do this to me?

Jane: I didn't think she would go that far. I wanted her to have you come running with me. I thought I owed you to get you into shape.

Daria: Owed me? How can you owe me to get in shape? Isn't it bad enough my mom wants to tell me what to do?

Jane: It's like this. Before I met you I was a straight C student. But now I'm getting B's. And you stopped me from having my grades fixed when I joined the track team (7). If it weren't for you I would've left school with a diploma worth absolutely nothing. Now I can be the first Lane to go to college.

Daria: A cross I'll have to bear. So that's it. I helped you get your grades up. And now you want to repay me by getting me in shape.

Jane: And I wanted your mom to pay me a 100 bucks to do so.

Daria: And those are the only reasons?

Jane: Those are the only reasons.

Daria: (beat) Okay I forgive you. I betrayed your trust once to (8).

Jane: If I'd mentioned that... (beat) ...would you have spoken to me again?

Daria: Maybe in a another life.

Jane: But you don't believe in reincarnation.

Daria: Exactly. Now if you'll excuse me. I have to comfort Brittany.

Jane: What?!

(Daria sits next to Brittany. Jane sticks her head up to look at them)

Daria: Come on. It's not that bad. Think happy thoughts. Like, Kevin getting run into the ground at a game.

Brittany: Thanks, Daria. (wipes her eyes)

Daria: Hey. That's what friends are for.

Brittany: (surprised) We're friends? But what about Jane?

Daria: She didn't shower after gym today. So now she smells really bad.

Brittany: Eeeeew!

Jane: Hey! You said you forgave me.

Daria: And I have. But that doesn't mean I'm not mad at you.

(Inside a tent in the woods. It's night. Daria and Quinn are lying in sleeping bags. Daria is writing on her notepad)

Quinn: How can you write? There is no light.

Daria: No problem. I'm using a fluorescent lipstick to write with.

Quinn: (surprised) You are?! (pause, beat) Oh ha, ha.

(Excerpt from Daria's notepad)

Date. Who cares. The days in hell are all the same. Kind of like high school. I bet hell is a high school.

I wonder. What if I died at school and didn't even notice because I went to hell and it was just like the place I came from? Would Satan be an improvement over Ms. Li?

Left this morning to go traveling in the woods. Officially to get me and Quinn in shape - I suspect, however, that mom and dad are planning to sell us to the witch who lives in the pancake house. But I don't mind. I read she feeds her victims before eating them.

That brings me to another item. Food.

Mom had told me not to bring any books or sweets along. Sweets as I'm supposed to lose weight. Books because the company of my family is more stimulating than reading some book. Those were her exact words.

Typical. Mom finally said something that would grant me a divorce from my family in any court and then I can't use it since I'm 18 now.

Of course I was way ahead of my mom.

(Flashback. Early morning. Daria is in her room. She's wearing the same outfit as in "The Daria Hunter". She's going through a backpack)

Daria: (to herself)... underwear, socks, map, compass, can opener in case dad forgets one, a cup in case I have to drink my own urine, and hidden inside the sleeping bag, an ebook and 20 bars of chocolate.

Of course Quinn screwed everything up.

(Flashback. The Morgendorffer's are getting ready to leave. Daria and Quinn are loading their stuff into the luggage compartment)

Jake: This reminds me of when I was your age girls.

Quinn: (to Daria) Oh no. He's going to rant about his childhood again.

Daria: (to Quinn) That depends on how old he thinks we are.

Jake: Before we went on an exercise we had to line up out front. And then we would march of in one big group. It sure was some sight.

Helen: That's nice, dear.

Daria: And it relates to our present situation in no way whatsoever.

Jake: (agitated) But sometimes Sgt. Gunmadder would go through our stuff first.

Quinn: (to Daria) Gunmadder?

Daria: (to Quinn) I *don't* want to know.

Jake: (angry) So what if I had smuggled my teddy bear along. I was just a kid, dammit.

Helen: Oh, Jake. I think it's perfectly okay if you tried to smuggle things along.

Quinn: It is? Great.

(Helen gives Quinn a suspicious look)

Quinn: (nervous) Did I say "it is"? I meant "it was".

Daria: Oh, brother.

Helen: What exactly did this sergeant of yours do Jake?

At least they didn't strip search me. Not that it matters since it was all hidden in my backpack.

Note to self. Find way to hide 20 bars of chocolate in my panties.

(Flashback. The Morgendorffer's are driving toward their destination)

Helen: I can't believe you, Quinn. Perfume, sun lotion, moisturizer, lipstick. You were supposed to bring extra clothes along.

Quinn: But I did. You can't expect me to wear camouflage the whole time. That dress matched the woods colors.

Helen: And you Daria. Twenty bars of chocolate.

Daria: It was a sacrifice to be placed upon the altar of the wood spirits. Don't blame me if a bear eats us tonight.

Helen: And where did you get that ebook?

Daria: It was a Christmas present. (sad) From you and dad.

Helen: (ashamed) Oh. I'm sorry, Daria. How can I make it up to you?

Daria: Chocolate?

So after having parked the car we were on our way to the campsite. Determined to find out what made man hate nature so much he decided to live in cities. And after four hours of walking we actually found it. Probably because I guard the map with my life.

(Flashback. The Morgendorffer's are walking in the woods. Daria is looking at the map)

Jake: But I want to look at the map.

Daria: That would be sacrilege. Plus I'm the one who read a book on map reading.

Quinn: Gosh, Daria. What haven't you read a book about?

Daria: How to make you shut up. But I'm still looking for it.

Helen: Jake. Let Daria keep the map.

I made two shocking discoveries. Dad's food is actually better than canned food, and since Eric hasn't called mom once I fear she actually did leave her cell phone at home this time. We're doomed.

I'm tired, dirty, and hungry. How can it get any worse.

Quinn: Will you stop writing already? I'm trying to sleep.

That's right. I'm sharing a tent with Quinn.

Daria: Tell you what. If you let me have half your rations tomorrow I'll sleep out in the open tonight.

Quinn: (hugs Daria, scared) Don't leave me!

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: You mustn't leave me!

Daria: Does that include going to college?

Quinn: I'm sorry. I just keep thinking of that movie "The Blair Witch Project". Like, if I woke up and you had all disappeared, and there were these *things* hanging from the trees. I would be scared to death.

Then again. This trip does make the perfect setup for Quinn torment.

(The campsite. Early morning. Daria is hanging small stick figures from the branches. Yes "those" figures. Jake crawls out of his tent)

Jake: Morning, kiddo. You're up early.

Daria: Starvation kept me awake dad.

Jake: (shocked) Starvation? But kiddo, I swear we only meant you to lose weight.

Daria: Keep it down. Quinn is still asleep. Dad, could you give me a hand with these. I can't reach the higher branches.

Jake: Sure. What are they?

Daria: Just something I made to decorate the campsite. By the way, how about you, me and mom go for a walk before Quinn wakes up?

(The Morgendorffer's are having breakfast. Quinn is looking at Daria. There is murder in her eyes)

Helen: Honestly, Quinn. Just because we weren't there when you woke up is no reason to run screaming in the woods. And you had no business tearing down those figures Daria made.

Jake: Yeah I thought they looked so cute.

Daria: (fake sadness) See what I have to live with.

(Quinn fumes)

Helen: Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Quinn: But mu-oom it's from this movie. And I mentioned it to Daria last night. And she used it to scare me.

Helen: (frowns) So you ruined Daria's figures because of a movie?

Quinn: Yes... I mean no... I mean... Naaaaaa.

Daria: Permission to hit Quinn on the head.

Quinn: Naaaaaa.

Helen: Denied.

(Outside the Morgendorffer's house. It's evening. Jane is ringing the doorbell. Brittany walks up to her)

Brittany: Hi Jane.

Jane: Brittany? What're you doing here?

Brittany: I called Daria to hear about her trip. When she didn't answer I was worried. I am her friend you know. (smells Jane)

Jane: You don't have to do that. We didn't have gym today. It's Sunday.

Brittany: I know. But I was thinking. What if you hadn't showered since last time.

Jane: I'll kill Daria for this.

(Tom's car drives up to the house. Tom gets out)

Tom: Hi, Jane. Are you with Brittany?

Jane: (agitated) No I'm not! How can you even think that?

Tom: Well, she's standing right next to you.

Jane: Did Daria tell you about Allison? (9) I can't believe she would do that. It's not what you think!

Tom: What? And who's Allison?

Jane: (pause) You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Tom: Do I want to?

Jane: Um. No.

Tom: I got worried when Daria didn't answer the phone. She said they would be back by now.

Jane: So they're a few hours late. There's probably nothing to worry about.

Brittany: But what're we doing here then?

Tom: Good point. Let's wait another hour before panicking.

(A car drives up. Eric gets out)

Eric: Hi there. Have you seen Helen? She was supposed to meet me at the office tonight.

Jane: Okay. Now we panic.

(Inside a tent in the woods. It's night. Daria and Quinn are lying in the same sleeping bag. Daria is writing on her notepad)

Daria: It's not unusual for rivaling siblings to get closer as they get older. But this is ridiculous.

Quinn: It's your own fault. I have to make sure you don't leave me this time.

Daria: Don't worry. Once the killer comes I'll help him carry you away.

Quinn: Uuuh. I still don't see how you can write without any light.

Daria: It's easy when you have no glasses.

Quinn: Must you keep bringing that up?

Second night in the woods. I should be home now. Not that the woods are worse than home. It's being in the woods with my family that makes it unbearable. If I had my glasses I could make a run for it.

Note to self. Name my memoirs "Glass of bondage".

In retrospect I should have guessed that Quinn losing the ability to speak was a sign that I had pushed her to far, and not just a new fad picked up from Waif. I was however unprepared for what happened next.

(Flashback. Quinn is sitting in a tree. Helen, Jake and Daria are standing below. Daria has no glasses on)

Jake: Come down from there Quinn. And give Daria her glasses back.

Quinn: Naaaaaa.

Daria: Permission to shoot Quinn.

Helen: Denied. Quinn come down or you'll have to get a job.

Quinn: I'm coming down.

Daria: Tell her to throw my glasses down first.

(Quinn throws the glasses down. They land at Daria's feet)

Daria: Now if only I could see I could probably find them.

Jake: Let me help kiddo.

(Jake walks over to Daria. A crunching sound is heard)

Daria: You didn't.


Helen: Jake! Those were expensive. (to Daria) You can manage with your contacts until we get you a new pair. Can't you sweetie?

Daria: (angry) My contacts are at home. Dad can you shoot Quinn for me? I can't see well enough to do it myself.

Quinn: Mu-ooom. Make her stop.

Helen: No one is going to shoot anyone. And now let's get back to the car so we can leave this god forsaken place.

Daria: How? I can't read the map without my glasses.

Jake: I can read the map.

Daria: We're doomed.

Helen: Maybe I should read the map dear. It can't be more difficult than reading a proposition.

Daria: We're still doomed.

Four hours later we still hadn't reached where we parked the car. Which is a problem as it took us four hours to get to the campsite. When I mentioned this, mom admitted that her skills as a map reader might not be the best. And let dad have it. So the only difference is that we're now running out of food.

(Flashback. The Morgendorffer's are walking in the woods. Jake is holding the map. Quinn is guiding Daria by the hand)

Helen: Where *is* that car? Eric must be worried sick.

Daria: And we can't have that, can we? Never mind that we're going to starve to death.

Helen: Stop it, Daria. Surely you can manage without food for a single day.

Quinn: (smirk) And you were supposed to lose weight.

Daria: Permission to eat Quinn.

Quinn: Permission to abandon Daria.

Helen: Denied.

Jake: Hey look. Footprints. Someone was walking here before us. We're saved.

Helen: Please, Jake. How can some footprints save us?

Jake: Don't you see? All we have to do is follow them. The people who made them can help us get out of here.

Daria: Dad's right. Unless, of course, those are the footprints of four people with the same boots as ours.

Jake: You're right, kiddo. What a coincidence.

(Helen buries her face in her hands)

So by following the footprints backwards we ended up the campsite yet again. I mentioned that it would have been easier if we had left the tents and sleeping bags behind when we left this morning. Somehow that didn't make me popular.

Surprisingly enough it was Quinn who saved the day.

(Flashback. Helen, Jake and Daria are sitting abound the fire. Daria is chewing on a dry leaf.

Jake: You're not eating dry leaf are you, kiddo?

Daria: It's okay, dad. When you close your eyes you can tell yourself it's a chocolate bar.

Jake: Really? (picks up a leaf)

Helen: Jake! Put that down. (to Daria) Now, sweetie. Someone will come rescue us I'm sure.

Jake: They will? But Helen, last time it cost us 15,000 dollars. (5)

Helen: Surely our lives are worth more than that. Besides it's probably not as expensive if they come on foot.

Daria: Unless there are a hundreds of them. At a thousand bucks a piece.

Jake: (shocked) 100,000 dollars?!

Helen: Stop scaring your dad.

Daria: Or what? You mean our situation can get worse? Must I remind you that we have no food.

Helen: I know things might not look so good right now. But...

Daria: But what? Something edible will just walk over here.

(Quinn walks over to them. She's holding a squirrel in her arms)

Quinn: Look what I found. Isn't he cute? He just ran over to me.

Helen: Can I touch it?

Quinn: Sure. It likes it when you scratch it behind the ears.

(Helen takes the squirrel)

Daria: I'll get the cooking gear.

Jake: I'll get the knife.

Quinn: Mu-oom not so hard. You're hurting it.

(A crunching sound is heard)


At first Quinn threatened never to speak to us again. Why that's a threat I'll never know. Unfortunately she only kept her word until the stew was finished. Then she had the nerve to demand a bigger portion as it was her squirrel.

(Morning at the campsite. Tom and Brittany are making breakfast. Daria crawls out of her tent)

Tom: Morning.

Brittany: Hi there.

Daria: Tom??? Tom! (storms over and hugs him) But how?

Tom: Ask her.

Brittany: We got worried when you didn't come back last night. But your mom had told Eric where you were camping. I left Jane at your house in case you came back. Then me and Tom drove off. We found your car. And as soon as the sun came up I followed your trail to this place. It's real easy once you don't have any VC on your tail.

(Tom and Daria stare at Brittany)

Brittany: What?

Tom: I brought breakfast. I figured you might be running out of food.

Daria: I did that yesterday. But now that you're here, Tom, will you help me terrorize my sister?

Tom: What did she do this time?

Daria: Something unspeakable. But it has to do with why I have no glasses on and why I got very little sleep tonight.

(Tom and Daria are carrying Quinn away in her sleeping bag. Quinn wakes up)

Quinn: Hey. What's going on here?

Daria: The killer came for you. I'm helping him carry you away.


(Daria and Quinn are lying on the couch in the livingroom watching TV. They're wearing pajamas. Daria is using her contacts)

Quinn: I think mom and dad may be having a guilt trip over this weekend.

Daria: How come?

Quinn: (loud) Waiter!

(Artie comes in from the kitchen)

Artie: Yes ma'am?

Quinn: More Pizza. Pepperoni, olives and no cheese.

Daria: The same. But with lots of cheese. And make it fast this time or I'll send the Daleks after you. (10)

Artie: Noooo! Not the Daleks! (runs back to the kitchen)

Quinn: Calling us in sick. Paying someone to look after us.

Daria: They paid the pizza delivery guy to look after us. And we are sick, if you call not being able to walk another step being sick that is.

Quinn: But I don't think they'll ever try to get us in shape again. Not after almost getting us killed.

Daria: After walking in the woods for three days, I think I am in shape now. And I've lost six pounds. Besides you're the one who almost got us killed when you took my glasses.

Quinn: It's your own fault. You drove me to it.

Daria: I was just trying to help you overcome your fears.

(Quinn sends Daria a dirty look)

TV: I just want to apologize to Mike's mom, to Josh's mom and my mom. And I'm sorry to everyone. I was very naive. I'm so, so sorry for everything that has happened.

Quinn: This is boring to watch a second time. First time a saw it I was scared stiff.

Daria: So it worked.

Quinn: Maybe. But if you try and help me overcome my fear of vampire movies I might do worse than simply take your glasses.

Daria: There goes my plans for the weekend.


(1) "Ill"

(2) From Greek Mythology. Food of the gods.

(3) From Nordic Mythology. Eaten by the gods to gain immortality.

(4) "Monster"

(5) "The Teachings of Don Jake"

(6) "Mart of Darkness"

(7) "See Jane Run"

(8) "Dye! Dye! My Darling"

(9) "Is it Fall Yet"

(10) Aliens from Dr. Who.