ACT III –
The Morgendorffer House, early Saturday morning. Jane comes down the hall and
knocks on Daria's door. )
Daria-? Daria, open the door. It's me – one of your fellow detainees in
celluloid hell... Daria, are you okay?
(OS) Oh, she's all right – for the most part. (beat) You should have smelled
the bathroom after she cleaned up Thursday night – and the smell was SO bad.
Quinn, aren't you maybe just exaggerating just a little bit? (Quinn
rolls her eyes at Jane.)
Daria, you have to come out and do things with your friend. You can't be all
shut-up in there – my friends will think that you're weirder than you already
are, like that math guy that lived in the woods and blew up people through the
mail – you know, Tim Kazurinzky, or, whatever.
Thanks, Quinn. That 'Sensitivity Training For Teens' article in 'Waif'
last month did you a whole world of good. (Quinn's eyes go wide as Jane winces,
and the door opens to show a dubious look on Daria's face.) Hey, Courtney got a
copy from the Fashion Club when she was here last week!
(pushing through) Well, little piggie, let me in! (She sees that Daria has a
full head of 'bed hair', and she is wearing a huge bed-shirt.) And, lo, how the
beautiful have fallen!
What ARE you talking about?
You, dumb head! You got more attention in the past two days than ANYTHING I've
painted! It's a good thing that you didn't show up for school yesterday- (she
pulls out a handful of paper scraps) – because, BOY, were the dogs out looking
(looking at the paper scraps) What are those?
Phone numbers. Boys all wanting you to call, and boys who were desperate for
Don't remind me. I already heard about my parents' 'adventures in telephones'
from last night.
Pull up a chair... (Time-dissolve to...)
The living room, the night before. Jake and Helen are lying out on the couch,
sipping clear liquid from Mason quart jars and sharing silly smiles as 'Are You
Experienced?' oozes out of the CD player. Jake is in a threadbare 'Pink Floyd'
t-shirt and beaten-down fatigue pants, while Helen wears faded jeans and a
tie-dye t-shirt that shows her bosom's... ahem... continued transcendence of
Thank that redneck trucker you worked with for me, Jake. (She sips again.)
Mmmmm... this reminds me of when we visited Willow's people in the Ozarks, the
first spring break we had at Middleton?
Yeah. I never saw a still that big before. (He swigs a shot.) Mr. Stoddard was
so happy that I could smooth things out with the union reps for him, he offered
the two of us a week in Hawaii...
slight slur in her voice) And you didn't take it?
knew you couldn't get away. (hiccup) So he cut me a nice check with a really
nice bonus, and then he asked me if I knew what 'White Lightning' was... He had
his boys bring up twenty gallons of the stuff in these quart jars. (beat) It's
in storage at the office. (He hiccups again.)
(her inner vixen rising) Oh, Jake, you've got hiccups... (She pulls herself
slowly across Jake as she comes face-to-face with him, and smiles as she feels
his... reaction.) You know, there's only one sure way of getting rid of them.
Holding your breath. (She nails him down with a kiss that could suck the blue
from the sky – and the phone rings.) What the -?
(returning to THIS reality) Ah...uhmm...I'll get it. (picks up) Hello? No, Daria's
not at home – she's at work. Yes, I'll tell her you called – well, that's an
unusual name – like the sweet potato, right? Sorry... (hangs up)
Who was that?
Some boy for Daria. (He reaches for Helen when the phone rings again.) Hello –
no, she's not here. Bowman? Any relation to the astronaut... oh, yeah, it WAS
just a movie...what? Say WHAT? Look, you perv, try calling my daughter again and
I'll open YOUR pod-bay doors! (slams the receiver down) The nerve of some boys!
Calm down, Jake. You'll need your strength. (The phone rings again.) Hello-?
No, Daria's not at home right now...No, you're not interrupting. Yes, Mr.
Hardesty, I will let Daria know you tried to contact her... why, yes... thank you...
(Jake looks on in surprise as Helen curls up on the couch with the phone.) Mr.
Hardesty, you DO flatter... oh, why, yes... Galen, then... (pause) I've never heard
anyone describe my voice that way before... warms you all the way through, but
makes every hair stand on end – does my voice really do that to you? Oh, Galen...
that is such an... invigorating way of putting it... (Helen runs her fingers
through her hair as she talks while Jake, FAR from being angry, takes another
gulp on moonshine and watches with growing arousal.) And that's just so... yes...
slow IS good... (pause) Galen, I just don't have the words- (Helen's hand touches
Jake, and she comes crashing back to Earth!) Uh, umm, ah, yes, why, yes, Mr.
Hardesty – I WILL tell my daughter that you called. (She puts the phone down
and lets her breathing slow to normal.) That's rather odd...
just popped into my head. I think I understand now why Daria keeps renting 'The
Truth About Cats and Dogs'. (the phone rings again.) Maybe you should get that
twinkle in his eye) Gonna need a smoke over there, Helen?
(surprised) JAKE! (beat) Did that redneck give you some of that, too?
(smiling broadly) No, Helen – I said 'a smoke'. (beat) You're a bad girl with a
little moonshine in you.
(stretching herself) I can be a bad girl no matter what's in me...
blatantly runs his eyes over Helen as he picks up the phone.)
Hello? Yes, this is- no she's out. (beat) Mistress of what – What's a Thea? Oh,
you're the – look here! No matter whatever nasty rumors you've heard, my
daughter likes boys! Goodbye! (He hangs up and turns to Helen, taking her by
one hand and grabbing his Mason jar in the other.) Let's go upstairs, Helen!
Remember our weekend out at Pearl Fingers Lake, out in Colorado, the weekend we
got snowed in with the girl who was a consultant for the Nixon campaign?
Let's go. (Time-dissolve back to...)
Daria's room. Jane, perched on Daria's bed, is openmouthed with surprise as
Daria scrubs at the top of her little box-hat.)
they told you all of THAT?
(holding up a minicam) Not all of it.
Daria! You've got your own house bugged?
(smirking) Not all of it.
Well, at least you're thinking about something other than this whole drive-in
crap. (beat) Come on – let's get something to eat.
Yeah. (beat) I need something to chew on, while I come up with a way to bury
the Hedgehog once and for all. (pause) I may have it coming for what I've done,
but I'm not taking it from THAT sleazebag anymore.
(brightening) Now THAT'S the Daria we all know and fear. (beat) Come on – first
one's on you.
ME? Didn't you just get beaucoup bucks for a painting?
Doesn't matter. I'm just a struggling artist, but YOU'RE a 'working girl'. (She
gets blindsided by a smiley-face pillow.) Okay – explain THIS!
Sure I will. You can read all about it in next month's copy of 'Waif'.
The Landon home. A dubious-looking Rachel sits next to Tiffany in the living
room as Sandi, pointer in hand, stands next to a mannequin and poster boards on
I'm not sure that I should be doing this, Ms. Griffin, because Quinn said-
President of the Fashion Club, it is my duty and my responsibility to make sure
your apprenticeship goes along in a manner that does not dishonor all those
young women who have come before us in fashion.
Like, that is soooo important...
Now, since I am going to continue your training, it is important to remember
some basic rules. (She removes the first poster board.) Rule #1. 'Wearing
primary colors during daylight hours. NOT DONE.'
(slouching down on the couch) Quinn taught me that weeks ago – AND we had
smoothies at the mall afterward.
(walking in) I had planned on low-fat frozen yogurt after our trip to the mall
today – but first, I'm wondering WHY you're holding classes for MY apprentice!
Well, Kuh-WINN, I thought that I would help take some of the stress of your
position off you by taking young Miss Landon under my own wing. (beat) Surely,
you don't want a potential Fashion Club member to be lacking in her skills
because of your own pride, do you?
course not. (She walks in and takes Rachel by the hand as she leads her off.)
And when we all get to meet YOUR apprentice soon, I'll extend her – and YOU –
the same courtesy in all Fashion Club duties. (beat) Right now, though, my
FRIEND and I are going to the mall to just relax and have ice cream in sugar
(stunned even for her) That's... not... right.
Quinn, are you going to flagrantly disregard the spirit of the Fashion Club by
setting a bad example?
That's the difference between us, Sandi. I SET an example because I do what I
want – and because you do what you think other people want, you've BECOME one.
(beat) Come on, Rach. Time for a cone. (They start for the doorway.)
But isn't ice cream bad for you?
And aren't sugar cones bad, too?
Then why are we getting them?
Because sometimes, a girl's gotta be bad. (As they leave, a scarlet flush
colors Sandi's angry features.)
The Lane house. Daria & Jane are sprawled out in the front room when the
Boys of Spiral roll in like rats off the Andrea Doria.)
(motioning to Daria) You guys look like she feels.
We know. We were at the show Thursday night. (Daria suddenly turns bright red.)
Daria – you were hot! You should wear skirts more- (Max 'accidentally' swats
him over the couch with a guitar case before Trent can turn towards him.)
– guess I slipped.
(lifting himself up) 'No, officer, I don't know how he got that guitar shoved
way up there – and in that position.' (pause) You just became the drummer for
Spinal Tap. (Very sensibly, Max runs for his life as Jesse looks to Daria.)
Sorry, Daria. That was Little Jesse talking. (beat) Hey, but Trent seriously
thought you were cute, and got slugged by Monique-
(QUICKLY cutting in) Hey, Trent, your copy of 'Knitting Monthly' came earlier –
I put it on your bed! (Everyone turns to face Trent – and Max's head appears in
(Looking around at the stares) It helps me keep my fingers limber for playing,
and I don't have to blow bucks on store-brought presents. (Everyone still
stares at him.) Whatever.
(to Daria) So, I heard you got on the bad side of 'Hedgehog the Horndog'.
(distasteful) Yeah. He's a sick little puppy, and he's into the nastiest- (His
eyes suddenly lock with Daria's.) I gotta go look at my magazine.
Trent disappears) The true sign of true love. The handsome bard displays
uncommonly chivalrous behavior when in proximity to the object of his affection.
May you suddenly become a man, and inherit a home with a thousand and one
rooms; and within each of those rooms, there shall be a beautiful woman, who
will not have you.
I weren't more interested in finding out more about this jerk, I'd think up a
good comeback. (beat; to Nicolas) What about the Hedgehog?
Your friend the Councilman's got a thing for dirty movies. REALLY dirty movies
– the kinds that show up in greasy old paper bags carried by guys named Paco,
the 'tossed-salad' man. (A look of sudden shock and realization crosses Daria's
gross! (beat; curious) The ones with women and farm animals?
The ones with women and ENDANGERED animals. (pause) Koalas shouldn't have to be
abused in that way.
How come nobody's ever busted him?
The local 'seriously rich man'? There's better ways to bring trouble
a-never-ending into your life. (beat) People stay out of his way. (Nicolas
leaves, and Jane turns as she sees a smirk on Daria's face.)
You've got a plan, haven't you?
The Gupty home: Sandi and Tiffany sit in the living room, with Tricia Gupty on
the couch next to them.)
Now, while the apparel you're dressed in is, well, satisfactory for a member of
the general public – a Fashion Club apprentice must dress in a more savvy,
Cool! (beat) Can you teach me how to dress like Quinn does? She's SO pretty,
and all the boys like her and want to take her places...
Miss Gupty, while Quinn has her moments, I am the President of the Fashion Club
for a reason.
So you can be in charge, because Quinn's more popular, prettier and has more
bounce in her hair?
Yeah. Quinn's hair DOES have a nice bounce to it... and it's so shiny, too... (The
pencil Sandi holds snaps cleanly in two.)
The sun DOES NOT rise and set just so it can shine on Quinn Morgendorffer, Miss
Gupty. (pause) Now, let's begin by looking at the proper makeup scheme for
someone of your age and complexion.
(sipping her bottled water) Can you help me learn to toss my hair like Quinn
The Gupty's neighborhood. The idyllic peace and quiet of the area is suddenly
demolished by a single, piercing, soul-rending scream of absolute disgust and
The drive-in. Daria & Jane peer around a corner as Leopold swaggers across
the parking lot to his car – a slinky, candy-apple red Jaguar XKE with a
sunroof and a vanity plate that reads, 'MORTHNU'.
That plate should read 'Oversized Load'. (They watch as he neatly slips into
the Jag & takes off.)
God, did you see how easily he fit into that teeny-tiny car?
guess it's true – fat meat IS greasy. (beat) Come on – let's check the office.
Leopold's office. Daria looks over the desk as Jane checks around the shelves.)
(glancing back as Daria sits down and boots up the desk computer) What are you
Role-playing 'Melody Powers'.
You're going to blow up his desktop computer?
Ha, ha. (She scrolls through the contents.) Virtual Rolodex. Journal with
pathetic encryption. LOTS on names and entries. This guy never read 'The 100
Things I'd Do If I Were An Evil Overlord.' (She begins to type furiously.) Oh,
look. A list of names and stars besides them. There's a listing for
'Kringle, Kris'. It has five stars.
Must be the super-blonde I did the portrait of.
Must be the reason why 'every day is Christmas' for him.
Well, you painted a nude of her.
Yes, but that's different. I was capturing a source of natural beauty for art's
sake, and using my natural talents in a practical manner.
You also got paid.
That's right – I did a job, and I got paid for it. Anyone who thinks that there
aren't bills to be paid in an artist's world and 'art should be done for art's
sake' needs to go breathe paint fumes. (pause; a little heat in her voice)
Hell, Shakespeare didn't just sit around on his ass writing all day because he
wanted to – he wanted to eat, keep wearing clothes and stay out of debtor's
Daria leaves the subject alone and keeps typing as Jane continues to scan along
the rows of film cans.)
Yeah... nothing like the Internet... (She works the mouse, and continues to type
when Jane's audible gasp of surprise catches Daria's attention.) What?
think Nicolas was right! About the Councilman and his dirty movies, that is.
(still typing like mad) What'd you find?
Spanish) 'Ocho bolas llameantes del espacio exterior'.
(smirking) 'Eight Flaming Balls From Outer Space'.
Oh, yeah. THAT sounds like a Disney Channel original movie – if we were Sliders
and just landed in 'Fire Island' San Francisco. (beat; still typing) Anything
Yeah, there are a few more REALLY interesting titles, but this one's brand new
– it just came in this morning. (beat) Here's the mailer tag – straight from
Really. (Jane's ears perk up at Daria's tone.)
have... a plan.
have a plan. (beat) Where are the films for this coming weekend?
(looking around) Over here. 'Butterflies In Winter' – that's a chick flick –
the latest 'Thunder Bikers' flick, some kid movie about a baby seal that wants
to fly, a pirate/superhero movie called 'The Flying Moor' and – COOL!
'It's 'Ruthless Bunny III – Rabid RONIN Rampage'! (She sees Daria giving her a
questioning look.) Uh, ah, I mean, yeah, it's the new Ruthless Bunny
Eh. They need to give her someone worth fighting. (She goes over and takes the
middle reel from the 'RBIII' film can, then switches it with the middle reel
from the porno can.)
are truly twisted.
until my wedding night.
Daria? Was that was a joke? (Jane reseals the cans, and they start away from
the film shelves when a soap-opera-sleazy guy, dressed in 'Reservoir Dogs'
style black clothes and swinging a cheap suitcase, stops at the door and looks
sweet cheeks! Yeah, you – Senorita Hot Tamale! (Daria and Jane glance at one
another, and exasperated, the guy points at Daria.) Yes, you – Little Miss
'Needs to actually eat something on one of her many dates'! Daria: Who ARE you?
Orlando, baby! Orlando! (He struts into the office.) You know – home of the BIG
Oh, yeah, the big SEEDLESS oranges.
(chuckles) Hey, you're kind of saucy to be the local rich chick!
Why do you keep saying that?
Well, I thought you'd be all stuck up and full of yourself, not even bothering
to talk to the 'hired help' – you being the Councilman's daughter and all – but
you don't mind giving as good as you get! (pause; he looks her over) Man, they
said you were cute, but they didn't tell me you were such a knockout – love the
way you're working those boots! (He moves closer to Daria, and flashes her a
smile that actually has a little charm in it.) Tell you what. You're a classy
chick, so if you'd like to knock those bad boys with a guy who knows how to
treat a lady right, why don't you let me take you out sometime? I'll even do it
right, 'cause I got the hook-up out at Chez Pierre!
(trying to hide her smile) 'And this, my pretty, is my curse fulfilled.'
What do you want? (Orlando gives her a bodice-stripping once-over that would do
any lecherous soul proud.) I mean here, from this office?
Your dad told me to come and pick up the film that came in this morning, and
hold onto it until I take it to the big 'council meeting' Thursday night! (He
laughs and winks in what he considers a sly manner.) He has to 'go out of town
for a few days'... if you know what I mean.
Whatever. (She gets the film can and gives it to him, and he hands her the
suitcase he's been carrying.) What's this for?
You know. (beat) Those are the, ahem, 'consulting fees' from all the other
business types for that school thing, and the rest – well, that's all man-stuff
your daddy's taking care of, so he can keep you in all the nice things girls
like you enjoy. (beat; notices her outfit.) Honey, you're blazing, 'cause you
make even those Saturday work-clothes you're sporting look good!
Yeah. Get out – and if you say another word, I'm going to coat my steel-toed
boots in orange pulp. (Orlando, protecting his orchard with the film can, takes
think you're back.
think that I'm glad for what's about to happen. (They leave the office and
start down the hall.)
Bring down the local porn lord and screwing with God-knows how many minds?
It's been a good day. Our work here is done.
It's almost a shame, though. Everyone loves my paintings.
The real shame is how everyone loves my painted face.
Well, you have to admit that the Fashion Fascists did a bang-up job of making
you a hard-core hottie.
Complete with hard-core idiot boys, all waiting for a chance to jump me.
Hey, last week you were so hot, I'd have jumped you.
Yeah, maybe, but you'd never take me anywhere or introduce me to your friends...
I wanted a trophy, I'd bag Jodie or Brittany. You I'd have around because you
make my toes curl.
we keep this up, they'll make one of those films about us.
Yeah – 'Daria Does Damn Near Everyone In Town.'
Oh, now THERE'S a film that could be directed by Ron Howard.
Only if Bruckheimer produces it. This one's going to be loud, wild, and action-packed.
(beat) What was that...?
sound of sniffling catches their attention, and the twosome move quietly to the
very end of the hall, where a small 'green room' is located, and they peek
inside the slightly ajar door.)
(VERY quietly) Oh, man...
Nat, sitting by herself and crying softly as she watches home videos on a HUGE
wide screen TV. The image on screen is of Nat running around a large tree, a
small, furry squirrel with a large, bushy tail half-chasing, half-bouncing
happily after her.)
Help, help, the killer squirrel's trying to get me! (She backs up against the
tree, and the squirrel stops, stands up on its hind legs, and actually raises
its front paws up 'Godzilla'- style.) Oh, no – only one thing will stop the
killer squirrel – lots and lots of nuts! (She holds up a bag, and the little
beast begins to chitter excitedly.) Here you go, little guy. (She hands him a
macadamia nut, and the squirrel actually sits back on his haunches and waits
for Nat to sit down before he eats. He gobbles his treat, and holds out his
paws for another.)
That is some squirrel. (beat) I didn't know that she had trained him THAT well...
(Behind Jane, Daria's face has drained of color.)
Who's your favorite person? (The squirrel runs off a few feet, stops and lifts
it's head as though it's looking for someone.) Oh, very funny. (The squirrel
runs back to Nat, does a little flip, and nuzzles her hand.) And who's my
favorite squirrel? (The squirrel does a little dance in front of her, and then
runs to her to be petted.) I won't ever let anyone take you away from me, Mr.
Squirrel. You're my best friend. (As if in response, the squirrel runs off, and
then comes back a moment later, an acorn in its mouth, and he presses it into
Nat's hand.) Oh, thank you!
Damn, I didn't realize she loved that little rat that much. But then again,
with phony fashion-fiend friends and a dad like hers, a little guy who just
loves her and doesn't do her dirt would have a real hold on the heartstrings...
suddenly realizes that Daria is no longer besides her, or anywhere in the hall.)
Several blocks away from the drive-in. Jane sees Daria sitting morosely on a
curb, the suitcase in her lap and her head in her hands.)
(sitting down) What happened was an accident. You couldn't have known –
Just... just don't.
(pause) Daria – we can't stay here. We do need to go.
Yeah, we do. (beat) Could you come over and stick around for a while?
can do that.
don't think I'll be good for conversation.
That's cool, too. (beat) You'll be buying the pizza.
The Griffin home. The Fashion Club is having a meeting in Sandi's meeting.
Sandi seems down and off on Planet Sadness as the others talk.)
think that we should adopt a resolution banning the wearing of any animal-print
outfits by Fashion Club members. Far TOO many girls are wearing them – and as
you know, 'if everyone is doing it, it isn't cool'. (pause) Not that
we're trying to be, of course.
That...would... be... wrong.
We're trying to help people!
TV's... made... them... unfashionable.
What do you think, Sandi? (pause) Sandi?
another dimension) The answer is 'twelve'! (beat; back in her own body) Uh, did
someone say something?
(knowing when to say 'when') Okay, we'll pick up everything at the next
meeting! (Stacy & Tiffany file out after gathering their things, and Quinn
turns to face Sandi.) Sandi, are you all right?
(her voice flat) I'm fine.
Sandi, you don't sound fine. (beat) Look, if this is about the apprentice thing-
(her face holding a neutral expression) You're doing a good job with Rachel.
I'm not fishing for compliments, Sandi, I'm just saying that you don't have to
feel bad if you can't- (The death's head glare Sandi fires in Quinn's direction
says that she's on the verge of crossing one of THOSE lines.) You know, Sandi-
(her face going from neutral to blank) I'm, like, really kind of tired, Quinn.
I'm going to take a nap. (Without waiting for a response, she crawls into bed
& turns her back to Quinn.)
Well, if you're not feeling well... (Quinn turns off the light and closes the
door. Sandi lies quietly for a long time, her eyes open and staring at the
(softly) I'm a failure. (As she speaks, the blank expression just fades off
Sandi's features, leaving a dead world where a face should be, and she curls up
into the fetal position. She remains motionless in that position, long after
the sunlight has left and taken the room into complete darkness.)
Lawndale High: Ms. Li is in her office, sipping from her bottle of GOOD brandy
and cackling with glee as she goes over the contents of several folders and
Oh, yes... this will bring in unparalled wealth, and honor, and glory... (She slams
a shot of brandy, and starts to refill her glass when someone knocks at the
door.) One minute, please! (She stashes the bottle and the glasses, and downs a
number of chewy mints as she stashes the paperwork.) Come in! (The door opens
and Jodie comes in, followed by Mr. DeMartino. Jodie begins to speak, but DeMartino
cuts her off.)
Angela – you've FINALLY gone TOO FAR in trying to get FUNDING for the school!
What are you talking about?
These new RULES that you've got the students under! (beat) 'All students must
do a minimum of TEN work-volunteer hours in the community'!
Haven't you ever heard of the 13th Amendment and 'no indentured
Miss Landon, I'm far too busy to keep up with all of those new bands on MTV!
(beat) This program is a fine way for ALL students to give a little something
back to the fine academic institution which has imparted so much to them...
Students like you should be grateful. We, the instructors and administration of
LAWNDALE HIGH, are the ones who have striven, and pushed ourselves to provide
the type of educational milieu that could forge a mind such as yours into one
capable of rising to the forefront of the world that awaits you. (pause) I'm
almost offended by your attitude, Miss Landon.
To paraphrase a great man, Miss Landon – 'Ask not what your school can do for
you... ask what you can do for your school'. For someone who's taking so much
away, and stands as a shimmering symbol of the caliber of student LAWNDALE HIGH
is capable of producing, you should be honored to not only give back to your
school, but to show others that they, too, should do the same. (to DeMartino)
And you should be happy, also. Finally, the students are making use of their
time in a beneficial manner.
When this THUNDERING GOATSCREW of a scheme comes CRASHING DOWN, remember to
save my SPOT in line to say that I TOLD YOU SO!
OUT! (They leave, and she retrieves her bottle.) Oh, so much money, all for me...
and LAWNDALE HIGH, of course. (beat) Oh, so much money... (She takes a long drag
from the bottle.) It's going to be a goooood day...
LHS hallway. Daria and Jane are at Jane's locker when Typhoon Jodie comes
rolling down the hallway.)
Daria – I think that Hell just froze over.
Hmn? (She turns in time to see several of Jodie's Student Council cronies run
up to her, only to have them scatter in terror as Jodie drops one with a
vicious left hook, smashes another face-first into a bank of lockers and makes
a grab for the others!)
VERY not good. (They watch as Jodie suddenly comes across Sandi – but the
thousand-yard stare in Sandi's eyes makes even a rampaging Jodie swirl around
and away from her, looking for victims.)
Damn. (beat) Ostrich time?
Ostrich time. (They wisely stick their heads into Jane's locker and blend in as
Jodie leaves a trail down the hall any tornado-chaser would recognize.)
(pulling her head from the locker) I've never seen her like that before.
(looking down the hall) Uh, oh. Extreme pain in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
(OS) Hey, Jodie – yaaaahhAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! The pain! THE PAIN! Oh, sweet
Lord, the little Chuckster's ON FIRE! (Daria & Jane's eyes go wide.)
I've never seen an Indian rope burn do that before.
Stop, drop and roll, Charles! (beat) Oh, no – he's running.
Kind of reminds me of an Olympic torch-bearer. (pause) Except for that whole
knees-unlocking-and-falling-over-in-pain thing. (The sound of Upchuck's screams
turning into gurgles of pain reaches them.) You have to give Jodie credit. Even
when she does her impression of a Valkyrie on crack, she still finds a way to
be a good citizen.
really should have used a fire extinguisher.
Yeah. Stomping out the fire – not a good idea.
guess Upchuck won't be running the projector tonight.
We're talking about Ms. Li. She'll give him an aspirin, an ice cube, an aloe
leaf and put him back to work. (They start off in the other direction.)
know, this is almost ironic, considering the 'movie' for tonight.
Not really. Consider it a sneak preview.
The Griffin home. Sam & Chris sit in the living room, their eyes flickering
from the TV to the stairs every few minutes. They sit on the edges of their
chairs, as if they're ready to flee at a moment's notice – and as Linda turns
the corner, they literally scream and take off running!)
STOP! (The brothers see their mom, and stop in mid-flee.) What the hell's been
going around here the past few days? What's wrong with you?
(looking at his brother) Mom – Sandi's gonna kill us all!
And since when are YOU TWO afraid of your sister? (beat; laughs) 'She's gonna
kill us all...' Please. Your sister's barely aware that you exist – especially
with that whole Fashion Club thing- (She catches the look between brothers, and
ice suddenly touches the base of her spine.) What-?
The Fashion Club girls haven't been here in days. They've called, trying to
talk to Sandi, but she doesn't look at the phone or pay attention to us if we
Quinn's been by every day, but Sandi won't even open the door of her room!
(beat) She said that they only see Sandi in classes – she won't even look at
them or speak to anyone – and when some Lurch of a football player bumped her
lunch tray, the look she gave him made him pee all over himself!
(gripping his mother's arm) Mom – the clothes she wore this morning weren't
ironed. (Linda looks at her son with utter disbelief when the sound of
Sandi's door opening CREAKS LOUDLY through the suddenly too-quiet house, and
the sound of her footsteps can be heard!)
She's out of her room, Mom!
(grabbing around Linda's waist) Mommy, don't let her get us!
Boys, we have to go-! (The boys right at her side, Linda bolts through the
front door and towards her car as Sandi reaches the bottom of the stairs!) Get
in-! GET IN! (Linda slams her door shut and fumbles with her keys as Sandi,
puzzled, comes to the front door.)
(hysterical) She's at the front door, Mom! (Sam starts to scream, and Linda
turns the ignition key!) Hurry up, Mom, HURRY UP!
Mommy – I DON'T WANT TO DIE! (As Sandi steps out the front door, Chris also
starts to scream!)
Start the car start the CAR START THE CAR START THE CAR GO GO GO GOGOGOGOGOGOSHE'S
COMING OUT THE DOOR!!! (Linda drops the hammer down, and her car burns rubber
for a full block as she races the car in reverse, then fishtails in an
intersection and races away, screams of abject terror trailing behind!)
Like, what was that all about? (beat) I guess THEY don't want to be
around a loser, either. (She goes inside and slumps down on the couch, going
fetal after a few moments. She lies there for several minutes when she hears a
soft, almost cautious knock at the front door.) Go away. My family isn't here.
(The knock comes again.) Who is it?
Voice: (OS) You probably don't remember me, Miss Sandra. You were over at my
house several days ago, talking to my sister.
curious, Sandi stands up, opens the front door and sees nothing – until she
looks down to see Tad Gupty, looking slightly forlorn in the 'little Caucasian
boy of the 1950's' outfit his parents dress him in.)
– down here.
You're very short.
Yeah, but I always eat my vegetables. Dad said that someday, I'll be six feet
tall! (beat) Can I come in? (Still a little confused, Sandi lets him in.)
Now, what do you want?
(very chipper) I want to be your apprentice!
WHAT? (beat) You can't!
You're a boy!
can't be fashionable? (Sandi stops dead in her tracks.) Don't boys need to know
how to dress well, and know the things that make them look good when they go
out with a pretty girl like you?
But you're a BOY! Nobody's EVER had a male apprentice in the Fashion Club!
YOU'LL be the FIRST, Miss Sandra. (pause) A babysitter I had once told me to
think for myself, so I did – and since my sister doesn't want to learn from
you, I want you to teach me.
(almost hesitantly) Why don't you ask Quinn-?
Because you're the leader, Miss Sandra. You know more. You actually do stuff.
Quinn's pretty, but people like her just because she's Quinn. You had to do
stuff so people would know who you are. You can teach me stuff, so people will
know who I am when I grow up.
walks towards the living room, and Tad follows just behind her. She sits down,
and motions him to a chair. She looks at him for a long moment before she
Your shoes. (pause) They're not stylish at all – but you keep them very nicely
polished. The first thing a girl REALLY notices about any boy when she first
meets him – once she gets past the physical stuff – is his shoes.
always polish my shoes before I go to bed, and I have a shoetree!
wise decision. (beat) Jackets. You will learn to wear them. No girl wants to be
seen with a guy who looks like a model for the Chess Club, and what you're
wearing... (She shudders.)
always wondered why Heather didn't want to talk to me when the other girls were
Just because you're a young man doesn't mean that you have to dress like a
little boy. Now, if you're going to be fashionable, the first thing you always
have to remember is that you aren't doing it for yourself, but to show all of those
other boys out there what they could become, too – if they wanted to try. Do
Then you don't, not just yet. Understanding fashion isn't thinking with THIS-
(She touches her right temple) – but knowing with THIS. (She puts her hand to
her heart.) Stand up. (They both stand.) Let's begin... with 'Level Flight...'
(smiling for the first time) It's something from a very good book I once read.
(beat) Now, the way your clothes hang is VERY important. We'll need to get you
a full-length mirror for your room at home...
The 'Starlite Passion Drive-In.' The sun is setting, and cars are lined up to
get in. On the giant screen, movie trailers, various snack and drink ads, and
ads from local stores continually run.)
The foyer. Dennis, his foot tapping in annoyance, watches from a window as the
girls serve orders on wheels. His eyes linger a bit too long on a still-fuming
Jodie, and he recoils in shock as a horseshoe sandwich splatters across the
window – a perfect hit, had it been open. Dennis creeps away, keenly aware of
the patrons watching and laughing at him.)
The drive-in. The 'Tank' sits among the many vehicles. The side door opens, and
Jesse steps out, followed by Max.)
Dude, we came out here at the right time! Good parking spot, so we can see the
screen AND Daria!
She's HOT! (Nicolas sees the way Trent grips the door handle as he starts to
(pointedly) Hey, we came to watch a couple of flicks, not stare at underage
girls – understand, brainscram?
(motioning with his head at Trent and winking) Yo, Trent, her birthday's gotta
be coming soon – what are you getting for her? Probably a good, sturdy helmet,
cause once she gets that dream shot of taking a ride on Trent Lane, it's gonna
be one hard, long and VERY bumpy ride! (He gives Jesse a
'high-five', and thus never sees the fist that slams into his bald head and
drops him cold – right on the ground in front of Brittany, who's skated over
moments before & heard and seen everything.)
I guess you'll only need three sodas instead of four – and two of those'll be
'Noah's Ark's'. (She glares at Jesse.) Jerk. They'll be getting those for free,
too, while they decide what else they want. YOU can sit, go thirsty, and think
being a pig over.
(as Brittany skates away) Serves you right. (to Trent) You need to watch that
temper. Somebody might think that you like Daria more than you let on.
Yeah. (down to a very unconscious Max) Sorry, dude. (Jesse leans down to raise
Max's head up and work his lips.)
(imitating Max) No sweat. When you're a criminale, you learn how to take a
punch like a man.
(to Jesse; smiling) You're not right, man.
(still working his Max-puppet) I'm sorry, dude. Jesse is, too. We're just
messing with you – don't mean anything by it.
Just watch your traps, okay? (He laughs, then coughs, as Jesse makes Max's head
The drive-in's Projection Booth. Upchuck is lying out on the couch, a bottle of
painkillers on the table next to him and an extra-fluffy pillow on his lap when
Dennis comes in, film cans in hand.)
Get up, Charles – Mr. Hedgeworth wants the movies to start at EXACTLY seven
minutes past dusk, and the sun's almost down! Hurry up, hurry up, you have to
spool these films up and get them ready to run! Why didn't you come down to the
office and get the movies for tonight?
I don't feel too good, Mr. Dennis, and-
Just remember, Mr. Hedgeworth and Ms. Li both said that that if ANYBODY shirks
off and doesn't do their share, then the money that the school would have
gotten for their work is withheld! You have to pull your weight!
rises from the couch, more tired of Dennis' voice than disabled from his own
Yes, sir. I'll put them on now. (He takes the films, and readies them for
setup. As he looks the films over, he immediately notices something wrong.)
Sir, I think-
Who told you to? Mr. Hedgeworth and Ms. Li didn't! Mr. Hedgeworth wants these
movies playing right away! Nobody wants any of your backtalk – now spool these
films up and PLAY them!
(too out of it to argue) Yes... sir. (He readies the films, starts the projector
and tries not to wince or screw up with Dennis constantly hovering over his
I'll be back to check on you later. (He leaves, and Upchuck locks the two HUGE
deadbolts on the heavy door – which also acts as a fire door - before taking
several of the pain pills.)
No, you won't. (He sets the projector to play in a continuous loop, and then
hits the main lock and the flat-bolted lock at the top of the door.) Now I can
get some rest... oh, the pain... (He drops onto the couch, and is asleep before his
head hits the pillow.)
The drive-in's 'pick-up' window. The second movie is underway, and Jodie &
Brittany relax on a bench when Daria skates over. Jodie sees her and starts to
rise, but Brittany stands up.
(checking her watch) Oh, look, I have to get moving – time for you two to
apologize to each other! (She sits Daria firmly down next to Jodie, gives them
both a withering glare, and glides gracefully away.)
have to learn that move. It would really come in handy with my mom.
can see being able to do that my senior year, when my parents start trying to
force-feed me the Ivy League. (They both sit quietly for a moment.)
I'm sorry for making cracks about you and your intramurals stuff – and about
you and Mack. It was rude and callous, and I... (Jodie looks at her with
something akin to awe.) What?
It's just that... I mean – Daria Morgendorffer actually apologized for something
she said. (pause) Now, if we can just get everyone off Ms. Li's 'work for the
school treasury' hook, we might be ready to deal with that pesky Arab-Israeli
peace treaty, and the teensy problem of making cold fusion work.
(looking at her watch) Um, hmn...
(narrowing her eyes, yet pleased) What did you do, Morgendorffer?
have no idea of what you're talking about, Senator. I have no idea why I've
been called before this committee this morning...'
Right. (pause) I'm sorry I called you 'squirrel-killer'. (beat) I understand
now that you were getting it from all sides... and maybe I should have been a
little more forgiving.
(after a long moment) I saw a tape of Nat with her squirrel. (beat) She really
loved her little pet. (pause) I never meant to hurt anybody, and I hurt someone
in a way that I can't ever fix, just because I didn't listen to Jane. She told
me not to play any mind games on Nat – and now...
wish I knew what to say, except for 'from now on, watch out for innocent
bystanders'. (pause; a strange look goes over her face.) Oh, yeah – 'and listen
to your friend, the artist. She's your conscience.'
She's also smart, talented, funny, and very - That's not coming out of my mouth!
Hmn? (She follows Jodie's gaze – right up to the pick-up window where Jane is
holding up a poster board like a cue card, but ducks as Daria's head turns.)
Excuse me. I have to help an artist discover her source of inspiration.
(smiling) The old-fashioned way. Pain and suffering.
The far side of the drive-in. Jane has several cans of paint stacked next to
Trent's car, and stumbles through a side door with a few cans on a dolly when
she trips, stumbles several feet as she tries not to fall – and looks back to
see a waterfall of paint hit the spot where she stumbled!)
crap! (calling out) Jeez, Daria, didn't anybody tell you that sometimes you
just don't think and you go just too far? Why can't you be that
way with a boy, like any normal girl – and really, it doesn't matter what boy
it's with! God, please, make it any boy you see! (pause; softly) Maybe it would
mellow you out a bit...
(OS) I heard that...
(noticing dabs of paint on her clothes) You're paying to get this cleaned – did
you hear THAT?
(OS) Whatever happened to 'Never fear paint'?
When it's watercolors like the stuff we use at school, that's one thing – when
it's mural-formula acrylic – like THIS is - it RUINS stuff!
(OS; after a long pause) Sorry.
just get down here and make yourself useful, before I cut you off from your
daily dose of Trent!
(OS) I have an anvil and a safe up here, too.
to stepping, missy! (Jane's gaze follows Daria's footsteps off the roof; Daria
appears from around a corner several moments later, roller-skates in hand.)
(walking over to the car) So, where are you running off with all of this?
Remember the words 'art store' and 'blank check'? (She smiles as she sets the
cases of paint down.) This is nothing. I've got enough stuff stashed in my
mom's bunker and the basement to keep me in art supplies for the next six
(looking at the can) Hey, this is watercolor paint! (She looks at the
other cans.) These are ALL watercolors – what gives, Lane?
(looking sheepish) I had the store send everything here – but I ordered stuff I
And the little show you just put on?
Point taken. (beat) The Hedgehog paid for all of it?
Serves him right. (beat) Trent loaned you his car?
guys all went off somewhere in the 'Tank' – heck, they might be here! (beat)
Besides, with what's on the menu for tonight, I thought we might need a quick
way off-planet – and the 'Millennium Van Winkle' fits the bill quite nicely.
'Millennium Van Winkle'? I thought you were 'Janvin, The Paranoid Android?'
be quiet about THAT dream if I were you. That little outfit you're sporting
about is a very acceptable stand-in for a gold bikini, and all we need now is
for Jesse to lend Trent his vest – and a trip to the pastry shop, so we can
slap some cinnamon buns upside your head. (Daria moves closer to Jane, and
looks for a moment at her hair, which has taken a few splatters of paint.)
That paint makes your hair look like a white leopard's fur on drugs. (beat)
Somehow, it works on you.
Before we start acting like we're in the Fashion Club, can you give me a hand
loading this stuff up?
Yeah – and we'd better hurry. Don't want to miss the show.
the drive-in. Kevin, a bag of popcorn in hand, chews away outside the door to
the restaurant when Jodie and Brittany skate up to him.)
Kevin – what are you doing?
Oh, ah, nothing.
But, babe, the place is like, dead and empty inside at the candy stand, and
babes, this is, like, the Bunny! The Ruthless Bunny! She kicks serious
buttockia just by talking, and when she actually puts her paws up – oh, babes,
it gets real!
(looking at the screen) Excuse me – but that doesn't look like the Bunny –
unless she forgot what electrolysis is for...
The drive-in. On the big screen, the sight of a bearded Latino man in police
garb has replaced the action film. He walks down a hall and opens a door onto a
very large, opulent bedroom – and stops in shock at the sight of a llama, its
legs tied as it lies on its side on a huge, four-poster bed with a man sitting
next to the bed and rubbing the llama's stomach. The cop's mouth drops open as
the llama lifts its head and speaks to him.)
(in Spanish, with subtitles) Please help me, senor – this gentleman and his
female companion are accosting me... (The cop turns to see a woman with alien
antennae and sparkle-slime coatings over her body – and NOTHING else - enter
The 'Tank'. The Boys of Spiral, really into the 'Ruthless Bunny' film, are now
at, well, full attention, with the appearance of the alien woman – until the
camera pulls back to fully reveal her figure.)
God. (Their eyes all follow down to just below the woman's bellybutton.)
(screaming) THE PROM! THE PROM! (He falls back in a dead faint, and Trent's
eyes are wide open.
won't be sleeping for a while.
The drive-in. The viewers are screaming and shouting in disgust and horror at
the beyond-lurid images being projected on the screen.)
The restaurant door. Jodie and Brittany are open-mouthed with shock at what
they on the screen – and Kevin scratches his head, somewhat confused.)
Brit, why is that girl wearing a fire hydrant in front of her like that... and
why is it painted black?
(sadly) That's not a fire hydrant, Kevvie. (The sound of a llama screeching
in agony rolls across the area – and Kevin grabs at his eyes as he drops to his
(at the top of his voice) AAAAAAAUGH! I'M BLIND!
The drive-in. All hell has broken loose as vehicles trying to leave have
started smashing into one another like a giant demolition derby.)
The hall outside the projection room. Dennis, his hair, face and clothes soaked
in sweat, tries in vain to get into the projection room.)
The projection room. Upchuck, unmoved from his spot on the couch, sleeps
blissfully in the arms of heavy medication.)
Outside the projection room. Unable to open the door, Dennis pulls away – and
his face brightens as an idea comes to him.)
The main power cut-off switch! (He rushes downstairs, through the lobby, out
the main doors – and right into the spotlight-illuminated path of the world's
largest SUV – the HUMMER...)
(stuck in the headlights of the Hummer like the deer he was really meant to be)
AAAAAAHHHH! (Without thinking or looking, the driver cuts a hard turn, punches
right through the doors Dennis just came through, torpedoes the concessions
stand and smashes through the entire length of the restaurant! In the back
seats of the Hummer, the driver's twin teenage sons and their dates start to
Just outside the foyer. Dennis looks at the gaping hole in the wall, the flames
beginning to lick upwards from the ruins of the concession stand, and the general
destruction, mayhem and chaos about him. He looks down, drops to his knees, and
begins to cry.)
The roof of the drive-in. Daria and Jane are joined by Jodie as they watch the
(to Daria) And you do this for fun.
ant farms. Lost the thrill. Ants have more common sense. (beat) Oh, look,
wonder if he sees that- (They all wince as a warbling scream of pain comes up
from below.) Oops – guess he didn't.
(glancing off to one side) Oh, look, there's the Channel 18 news truck.
wonder how it got here.
think it had something to do with the little wheel-thingies going round and
round, making it go wherever they point the front end.
REALLY annoyed you, didn't she?
All I know is that this still goes on my college application. (beat) Who's up
Seems fair – because you're driving and SHE'S talking.
Sounds good to me.
leave, the three girls fail to notice a familiar Lexus, FAR off to the side of
the drive-in. The windows are thoroughly steamed up, and the car gently moves
in a barely-noticeable rocking rhythm.)
Lawndale High. School has just let out. Students pass by Daria and Jane, who
sit on the school steps as they read the 'Lowdown and the 'Lawndale
Listen to this. (As she starts to read, Andrea 'accidentally' bumps into her.)
Oh, sorry – didn't see you sitting there. (beat) I'm just a little tired... all
the extra hours I've got to work, so I can make up the money for my trip. (She
keeps going, and Jane shrugs at Daria's confused look.)
Just let it go, kid. Even when your team succeeds in a 'Mission: Impossible',
the public can never know. (beat) What were you about to say?
(reading aloud) 'With all of the outstanding charges against him, and ongoing
investigations from several agencies, including the state's Attorney General's
office, the U.S. Commerce Department and the ASPCA, Councilman Hedgeworth's
political career is in serious jeopardy. Over 4,000 signatures so far have been
gathered on a petition to force a special recall election, and the first of
what will almost certainly be a torrent of civil suits has been filed against
him seeking damages for the events at the 'Starlite Passion Drive-in', where an
extremely graphic pornographic film was exhibited. Unconfirmed reports indicate
that the Councilman may be forced to file for Chapter 11 protection of his
assets, including over one hundred theatres throughout the state.'
Sounds like someone's not-so-narrow butt is in a crack! (beat) Did you hear
that they might just force him to resign? Seems that he was planning for the
Mayor and some of the council folks he didn't like to get caught with that film...
Damn. And I was counting the days until I could register to vote and cast my
ballot for him.
mean 'at his head'. (beat) Hey, check this out! According to the Lowdown, the
school's not accepting any money from 'Lion Nights at the Movies', and they're
giving the students in the 'work for restitution' plan their money back.
(sitting down next to Daria) Yeah, because that gets Ms. Li off the hook for
going in with the Hedgehog on that plan. Man, she's steamed about having to
give up all that cash...
Hey. (beat) How's your mom taking all of this? I know she wanted you to learn a
And after she read through his computer files, she let me off the hook and put
the Councilman right on it in my place. (beat) I don't think that I'll have to
worry about the Hedgehog coming after me anytime soon – Mom already talked to
him about that. I've never seen anyone go that white and that red all at the
guess that I should have gone to the movies on Thursday, if for nothing more
than to know what in the world happened to Kevin. Every time he sees a fire
hydrant, he goes all curled up like a baby and can't speak! (He sees the look
that passes between the girls.) I really don't want to know the story about
that – or about how your mom got the Councilman's computer files, do I?
more than we want to know the story behind THAT. (Mack follows Daria's finger,
and sees a meeting of the Fashion Club on the lawn. Rachel sits next to Quinn,
and Tad sits next to Sandi, dressed very nicely in a dark-toned outfit and
Gotcha. Later. (He takes off.)
Daria... something I was wondering about...
put it to good use.
we need to worry about assassins overrunning the school?
No. (beat) I pretended that I was listening to you.
Daria... is this about Nat?
Not exactly. (pause) When I was listening to your voice, one thing I heard you
say was that sometimes you can't make up for something, no matter what you do.
In those cases, all you can do is help make sure that one day, people can
remember the good things.
know, I'd say that you've got a good friend there. Better keep doing what she
long as the words 'Trent' and 'Matrimony' don't enter the conversation.
Don't worry – this time, it's just about sex.
takes one look at her friend, then picks up her things and leaves without
another word, Jane following close behind.)
come on! He hasn't been able to sleep a wink since Thursday night, and the way
I figure it, an hour or two of you two doing the dirty hamster dance should put
him out like a light. (beat) Hey, it's not as if you don't fantasize about it
every other second... I've got it! To help get him in the mood, I'll show him a
photo of you from the first 'Lion Night'!
(stopping dead in her tracks) WHAT photo-?
(still strolling along) Remember when the Hedgehog made you come out of the
bathroom? I was there getting shots of my works, and I figured, since the
Fashion Club's already paid me to get photos of their masterpiece...
They paid me three hundred dollars and have me on the books for three free
makeovers, whenever I want. (beat) Hey, I might actually meet a boy who's worth
the effort someday.
Oh, you'll meet a boy or two – in HELL! (Daria takes off chasing Jane, who
holds up an 8x10 glossy of Daria in her uniform for the world to see.)
See, everyone? It WAS Beauty that killed the Beast!
Oh, shut up and stop running - it'll only make me kill you slower when I do
Yeah – and THEN your dream switched back to Trent in a Navy uniform, carrying
you out of school and into the sunset!
'Serene Whiskers' Resting Grounds. Nat, wearing a black outfit, kneels down
beside the still-fresh resting place of her pet - and notices the beautiful
headstone at the head. It is pink marble, and inscribed with the words, 'Mr.
Squirrel. A best friend who will never truly go away.)
(confused) Who...? (She sees a groundskeeper, and waves him over.) Excuse me, sir
– where did this come from?
(looking down at the stone, then looking up, his face brightening) Oh, YOU'RE
the girl! (beat) From an anonymous donor – sent a HUGE donation to pay for the
headstone, and for all of these trees.
trees? (She looks around, and sees that the area has been landscaped with many
young oak trees.)
Over a hundred. The note said that it's so the squirrels could have a nice
place to themselves. I heard that the local pet shelter also got a huge chunk
of money, to help with their 'no-kill' shelter and take care of the animals
there, too. (They watch as several squirrels run up and around the new trees as
they chase after one another, while other squirrels sit back and eat their
dinner of fresh acorns.)
was very nice of someone.
stands at the tiny grave for a moment, and starts away when she sees something
dart behind a tree. She stops to watch, and sees a scruffy, hungry-looking
squirrel look out at her, then duck back behind the tree.)
hello, little guy. You don't look like you've been doing too well. Would you
like a little treat? (The squirrel peeks back out as it sees Nat searching
through her pockets, and it starts towards her. It is really starved, and is
missing its tail.) I know that I had some in this jacket... (As Nat finds a small
plastic bag of nuts, the squirrel runs up to her... and holds out its paws.)
(REALLY stunned) Oh, my God. (She hands the macadamia to the little creature,
and he looks at it but doesn't eat... until Nat lowers herself to sit besides a
tree. As she watches, he gobbles the treat and holds his paws out for another.)
No, but you're... Who's my favorite squirrel? (A shocked Nat watches the squirrel
do a little dance in front of her, and her eyes begin to water.) And who's your
favorite person? (The squirrel runs off a few feet and mimics looking around for
someone, and Nat laughs despite the tears that are beginning to flow.) Oh,
you're very funny. (The squirrel does a little flip, then cautiously comes to
Nat and allows her to touch him.)
God... you're so thin and dirty... and your tail... (Her tears flow freely as she
empties the bag of nuts on the grass and watches Mr. Squirrel eat.) You're
breaks down completely as Mr. Squirrel stops eating to pick up a nut... and
offer it to her.)
END ACT III –
TO END CREDITS: Music: 'Bring Me To Life', by Evanesence.)
- Alter Egos of the cast:
Barch as an Imperial Grand Moff, holding a riding crop.
as a 'Starship Trooper', blasting away with a BIG F****** GUN.
and Michelle Landon, Kevin and Sandi as Morpheus, Niobe, Neo and Trinity.
Jesse as Han Solo and Chewbacca
as the Iron Chef Chinese
Fashion Club as the Sirens, luring men in.
lounging in a TINY bikini top and a sarong, with the Three J's as her servants.
Yami Yugi and Andrew Landon as Seto Kaiba, both pulling cards from their
Jodie and Monique as 'Undercover Brother', 'Sistah Girl' and 'White She-Devil'
Upchuck as Raggedy Ann and Andy.
family as the family from 'Spy Kids'
O'Neill as a satyr, and Ms. Barch, Ms. Defoe and Ms. Li as three wood nymphs
dancing around him
Spiral as the 'Cantina Band' from 'Star Wars'
'Three J's' as the 'Agents' from 'The Matrix'
DeMartino as 'The Lord Of The Dance'!
Johannsen as Jabba The Hutt, with Ms. Li in the Princess Leia gold bikini.
& Courtney Lane, Tad & Tricia Gupty and Rachel Landon as The Children
from the 'Village Of The Damned'.
Sloane and Jodie as James Bond and Jinx. (Okay, so it's S4 material, but I
wanted to use it!)
Jane as a
O'Neill as Eminem.
normal attire) sitting on the Throne of Hell.