"The Daria Show" by Trent2 (deprater@thegrid.net) SCENE ONE: Classroom MR. O'NEILL: Class, ITC is looking for a student to host a talk show and they've asked me if I know anybody. I am thinking about one of you and that one of you is Daria Morgendorfer. DARIA: Excuse me. JANE: Isn't that a public access station? DARIA: Yeah. MR. O'NEILL: Yes. DARIA: I don't believe this. QUINN: I know! That's not fair. MR. O'NEILL: They want someone smart and intelligent. DARIA: So why'd you pick me? MR. O'NEILL: Well. You were the only person that fit those specifications. JANE: In the whole school? MR. O'NEILL: Well, no. DARIA: Then why'd you pick me? MR. O'NEILL: Because all the other candidates are either freaky goth chicks or fans of "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers". KEVIN: Ooh! Which series? JANE: Oh brother. MR. O'NEILL: Oh dear. SCENE TWO: TV Studio PRODUCER: You must be the talk show host that freak Mr. O'Neill sent over. What's your name? Darcy? DARIA: That's Daria. PRODUCER: Oh. DARIA: Okay. Let's get this thing started. PRODUCER: Okay. This is your set. You will be interviewing locals in the news. As a matter of fact, the show is called "Locals In The News". DARIA: This set is just a set of a room in a skyscraper with a bad skyline impersonation in the back. PRODUCER: And why do you not think that fits with the talk show scenario? DARIA: Oh. I see. PRODUCER: Okay. You'll first episode will be taped in just a few moments. Well, are you ready? DARIA: Yeah. Hey. Who will my guests be for the first episode? PRODUCER: Let's see. First up, there's Charles Olan. He is the guy that broke the pie eating world record. DARIA: Oh. Yum. PRODUCER: Barry Moore. He is the editor of the town paper. DARIA: Yeah. PRODUCER: And for your musical guest, Mystic Spiral. DARIA: Excuse me? PRODUCER: Have you heard of them? DARIA: Huh. I mean, no. PRODUCER: Oh. Hey! Here comes the lead singer. TRENT: Hey Daria. What are you doing here? PRODUCER: So you do know each other? Um, Daria is hosting the show. TRENT: Oh. PRODUCER: Well. We better get started. DARIA: Great. SCENE THREE: Morgendorfer Living Room QUINN: Why does the station make her wear that? DAD: God. It's a cult. MOM: It's not a cult, Jake. It's a television station that has really bad taste in costumes. QUINN: You've got that right. MOM: Who is this band? There terrible. QUINN: Some guys named Mystic Spiral. DAD: Mystic Spiral. Sounds like a drug. MOM: Oh it's not a drug, Jake. DAD: Oh! Oh. (Daria walks in) MOM: It was a great show, Daria. DARIA: It was not. MOM: I know. DAD: I can't wait to see it next week. DARIA: It won't be on next week. It was cancelled. MOM: On the first night? DARIA: Yeah. QUINN: It must have really sucked. DARIA: I know. SCENE FOUR: Cafeteria JANE: So your show got cancelled on the first night? DARIA: Yeah. But I don't care. JANE: Yeah. You shouldn't. DARIA: I know. JANE: Hey. Look on the bright side. Now you can fullfill your dream and become a drunken cross-dressing circus clown touring an unknow foreign country.