The Daria Series #1: Daria, You Shrunk Your Family By Sean Callahan Scene 1: The Morgendorffer home. Helen and Quinn are sitting on one sofa, Jake is sprawled out on another. Daria is nowhere to be seen. Daria: (from somewhere in the house) THIS IS SO COOL! Quinn: (sounding excited) What is?!? Quinn runs into the kitchen. Scene 2: The kitchen. Daria is standing behind the counter. Quinn runs into the room. Quinn: What's cool? Daria: Oh nothing. Just a shrinking machine. Quinn: A what machine? Daria: Shrinking. It makes things really big. Quinn: Cool! Can I try? Daria: Go ahead. Stay right where you are, and don't move. Quinn: Ok. This better work, or I'm telling mom. Daria pulls a machine about the size of a microscope out from behind her back. She points it at Quinn. She presses a button. A laser flies out of it, hits Quinn, and makes her really small. Quinn: (in tiny fly voice) MOM! DAD! DARIA'S RUINING MY LIFE AGAIN! Scene 3: The living room. Helen turns her head. Helen: I thought I heard Quinn from the kitchen. Jake: Let's roll. Scene 4: The kitchen. Helen and Jake run into the kitchen, and barely miss stepping on the tiny Quinn. Jake: What did you do to your sister, Daria? Daria: I used a shrinking machine on her. Jake: A shrinking machine? Daria: Wanna see how it works? Jake: Sure! Helen: Jake, I don't think that's such a good idea... Jake: Nonsense! It'll be fun! Come on! Helen: I just don't know... Before Helen can say any more, Daria shrinks Helen and Jake. Scene 5: The kitchen. On the floor. Helen and Jake look at the large Daria. Quinn looks around, and screams. Jake: What's wrong Quinn? Quinn: Look at these cabinets! They're so... wooden! Helen: We'll get them changed later, dear. For right now we need to be worried about Daria. The gigantic Daria stomps out of the room, taking the family with her. Scene 6: The living room. Daria is sitting on the couch, on the phone with Jane. Jane can be seen in the lower-right corner of the screen. Daria: Hi, Jane. Jane: Yo. Daria: You'll never guess what. Jane: I give up. Daria: I shrunk my family. Jane: I see. Daria: I'm serious. Come on over. Jane: I'll get Trent to drive me. Daria: Get off my back about that. I don't like him anymore. Jane: I'm sure you don't. Daria: At any rate, come see my shrunken family, if the fish don't eat them first. Jane: Since when do you have fish? Daria: I'm hanging up the phone now, and I expect you to be here soon. Scene 7: The front hall. Daria opens the door, revealing Jane. Jane is wearing her track outfit. Daria: Love your clothes, Jane. Jane: Shutup. So where's the amazing flea family? Daria: In the fish tank. Let me get them. Daria walks into the living room, and walks back into the hall with closed hands. She opens her hands, and the tiny family can be seen. Jane: Wow. Wait.. where's Quinn? Daria: Oh, her. I shoved her inside a bone on my floor. She'll emerge covered with dry marrow more than likely. Daria and Jane walk upstairs. Scene 8: Daria's room. The door opens, and Jane and Daria walk in. Daria grabs a bone on the ground, and pulls Quinn out of it. Jane: I think they've had enough fun for today.. maybe you should unshrink them. Daria: (reluctantly) Okay. Daria walks out of the room, and returns later with the machine. She unshrinks her family. Helen: You need to be punished, Daria. Jake: Oh, come on Helen, she was just having some fun. Quinn: But my hair... Helen: Your hair's fine, Quinn. Helen looks at Quinn's hair. Helen: Oh my, God! Quinn's hair is not unshrunk. She looks like a bald person with four or five strands of hair in the center in of her head. Jake: Daria, unshrink your sister's hair. Daria tries, but is unsuccessful. Jake: Dammit, Daria, unshrink her hair. Helen: Dammit, Daria! Unshrink her hair or you're grounded! Quinn: Dammit, Daria! My life is ruined! Daria: Dammit, Daria! You should have left them small! Scene 9: School the next day. Daria walks down the hall next to Jane. Quinn is walking next to them, with her bookbag over her head. Quinn: Maybe if I stay with you unpopular people, no one will come near me. Joey, Jeffey, and Jamie walk up to Quinn. Daria: Quite the contrary, Quinn. The Fashion Club shows up. Jane: C'mon Daria, let's go. Daria: Wait. I want to see this. Stacy: What's with the bookbag, Quinn? Sandy: Yeah, Quinn. What's with the bookbag? Tiffany: What's with the bookbag, huh? Joey: That's pretty. Jeffey: Wanna go steady, Quinn? I love the bookbag look. Jamie: That looks nice on you Quinn. Go out with me. Daria sneaks up behind Quinn, and pulls off the bookbag. Daria: (to Jane) Wait for her embarrassment. Tiffany: (looking at Quinn) I love your hair. Stacy: Me, too. Sandy: It's a new look. Joey, Jeffey, and Jamie: (mumble something incomprehensible) Daria: Rely on Quinn to take something nice from me and turn into something better for herself. Jane: Let's go. Jane and Daria walk off down the hall. Scene 10: The next day at school. Everyone has hair like Quinn's. Daria and Jane are at Daria's locker. Daria: (scowling) Now it's even worse. Jane: I've got an idea. (whispers into Daria's ear) Scene 11: That night. The Morgendorffer home. Quinn's room. Daria is next to Quinn's bed. Daria places an orange wig on Quinn's head. Daria: There we go. Scene 12: The next morning. Quinn's room. Quinn gets up, and looks in the mirror. She cries out in excitement, and runs downstairs. Quinn: Mom! Dad! Daria. Guess what?!? Helen: What? Quinn: My hair grew back!!! The Daria Series #1 1/2: Dr. Dariastein Scene 1: Lawndale High. The Fashion Club is standing in the middle of the hall. Quinn: You will not believe what my crazy sis... I mean cousin has made! Stac y: What? Quinn: Some sort of doll. It looks like a mutilated G.I. Joe or something. Sandy: Your cousin plays with dolls? Quinn: It's weird, isn't it? Tiffany: Your cousin's wierd. Quinn: I know! I like walked into her room... Flashback Sequence Scene 2: Daria's room. Daria is hunched over a table, messing with a screwdriver. Quinn: Daria, I need you to do my report. Daria: Later. Quinn: No, now! Daria: I said LATER!!! As she says later, she turns around, and puts the doll on the floor. She pushes a button, and the doll attacks Quinn. Back to present Scene 3: Same as scene 1. Quinn: ... and it attacked me! Tiffany: Wow. Sandy: Are you okay? Quinn: Fortunately, yes. Stacy: Isn't that your crazy cousin? Stacy points as Daria walks down the hall. Quinn: Hurry! Get away! The Fashion Club runs down the hall. Jane walks up behind Daria. Jane: What's wrong with them? Daria: My sister and her friends think I'm insane. Jane: And why would that be? Daria: Oh, you know... Jane: Um....... miniature Frankenstein Monster? Daria: How...? Jane: Lucky guess. So, what are your plans for this little creation? Daria: Once I can get the bugs out of my shrinking machine so the enlarging process works better, I'm planning to enlarge it to human size. Then it will wreck havoc on my sister. Jane: Why not make it wreck havoc on the city? Daria: Hmmmm.... Jane: What about wrecking havoc on Upchuck? Daria: How about we make another monster? One for Upchuck, one for Quinn. Jane: Did I hear, "We"? Daria: Sure. I'm going to need your... (hesitates) artistic ability to make them look good. Jane: I'm in. Scene 4: The Lane residence. Jane's room. Daria is sitting on the floor with Jane and her materials. Daria: Let's get to work. This one (hands original monster to Jane) needs to look good enough for Quinn. The paint will turn into real flesh once enlarged. Jane: Ok. Jane gets to work on monster. Daria gets to work on monster. Scene 5: Same as scene 4. Two minutes later. Jane's work is half done. Daria has assembled a head. Jane: I'm bored. Daria: Me too. Daria gets up and starts to leave. Jane: And where are you going? Daria: To the ummm.... bathroom. Jane: (suspiciously) Go ahead. Daria leaves. Jane follows. Scene 6: The hall in Jane's house. Daria walks into Trent's room. Jane: Ah, ha! I knew it! Jane makes her way toward Trent's room, but the door is slammed in her face. Jane grumbles. Scene 7: Jane's room. Jane and Daria are in their former places. Daria's hair is a bit mangled, and a sock is on her shoulder. Jane: So, have fun? Jane pulls the sock off of Daria's shoulder. Jane: Is this yours? What happened to your hair? Daria: That must have gotten on my shoulder when I fell. Jane: You fell? Daria: Tripped. Jane: And I suppose that after you "tripped", the sock said, "Wow, she'd be fun to climb on!", and hopped onto your shoulder. Daria: I guess so. Jane: What about the hair? Daria: Caught in the fan. Jane: Trent doesn't have a fan. Daria: Window? Jane shakes her head. Jane: You don't actually expect me to believe that. Daria: Yes I do. Scene 8: Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed. Daria: Stupid monster. Time switch Scene 9: Daria's room. 2 minutes later. Daria is standing by the table, working on the time machine. Daria: Let's try her out. Daria gets out her monster from under the table, and presses a button on the shrinking machine. The monster grows bigger, but the bolts and stiches don't, causing him to fall apart. Time switch Scene 10: Daria's room. 20 minutes later. Daria picks up small, completed monster, and presses a button on the shrinking machine. This time, the monster grows, but his eyes, feet, and hands don't. Daria sighs. Time switch Scene 11: Daria's room 3 hours and 20 minutes later. Daria is on her bed, asleep. Daria rolls over, and accidentally presses the button on the shrinking machine. The monster grows, but his brain doesn't. Daria wakes up, and, realizing that the brain hasn't grown, shrugs. Daria: These are going to be dressed up as high school students. What's the difference? Daria pulls out female monster, and enlarges her. Daria pushes the buttons on their backs, and they start up. The male monster looks at the female one. The female one looks back. The male monster, grabs the female one, and tries to crash through the padded wall. Both of them malfunction, and fall to the ground, sparks flying. Daria walks calmly out of the room as the house starts to flame. Scene 12: The front hall. Daria: Fire. Jake, Helen, and Jake run downstairs, and out of the house. Daria walks calmly out as her room burns. Daria: First ever experiment to go bad. Helen: YOU did this? Daria: Who else? Helen: That's it, young lady! Go to your room! The fire department arrives and puts out the fire before it can spread to the rest of the house. Daria points to her charred and blackened room. Helen: Oh. Note from Author: Daria's room DID get repaired, and, against Helen and Jake's strong objections, the bones and padding were replaced. Fortunately, Daria managed to get out with her shrinking machine. The Daria Series #2: Time Machine Murder? Scene 1:Daria's room. Daria is standing over a desk, looking at a small object that looks like a Matchbox car. Daria: I'VE DONE IT! Helen: (from living room) Oh, no, not again. Quinn: (from her room) Daria! Are you trying to ruin my life?!? Jake: (from kitchen) Girls, Helen, be quiet. Helen: (simultaneously with Quinn and Daria) Be quiet, Jake. Quinn and Daria: Shutup, Dad! Jake: (muttering) Dammit. Sounds of footsteps. Helen enters Daria's room. Helen: Daria, what have you created now? Daria points to small car on table. Daria: It's a time machine, Mom. Daria presses button on car. It disappears. Daria: In about twenty seconds, the car will reappear on the table. Twenty seconds later, the car returns. Helen: That's really amazing, but I'm trying to read. Could you keep it down? Daria: Sure thing, Mom. Scene 2: Outside Quinn's room. The door is open. Daria places the time machine in front of Quinn's door on the floor, then uses her shrinking machine to shrink herself. She hops into the time machine, and presses an interior button. The time machine is set for five years. Daria presses another button. Daria: Testing, 1.... 2.... The inside of Quinn's room can be seen. It changes rapidly, around the end of every week, according to the clock. Daria: I'm not surprised. When the time machine stops, Daria presses an interior button. She goes back in time five years. She hops out, then uses her shrinking machine to unshrink herself. She picks up her time machine, and walks into her room. Scene 3: The next day. At school. Daria and Jane are at Daria's locker. Daria: So, I created a time machine yesterday. Jane: And? Daria: And it works. Jane: So? Daria: You used to be so excited when I told you about my inventions. Jane: It's fairly predictable now. Daria: Good point. Upchuck walks up to Daria and Jane. Upchuck: I could help but overhear... Daria: Yes you could help overhearing, Upchuck. Upchuck: Well, what I meant to say was... Jane: You're fascinated? Upchuck: Well, yes, but... Daria: You also had a movie or a book or a tape at home, and we are invited to watch/read/listen to it. Upchuck: But... Jane: Stop trying to hit on us, Upchuck. Daria: Yeah, hit on Brittany. Upchuck walks away. Jane: A time machine, you say? Daria: Wouldn't that be against our ethics? Jane: What ethics? Daria: Good point. Jane: It's been done before. Daria: (her eyes dart around) Let's do it. Scene 4: Daria's room. That afternoon. Daria: Are you sure we want to do this? Jane: Think of the world without (makes distorted face) Charles Ruttenheimer. Daria: Again, a good point. Get prepared for shrinkage. Jane: Isn't shrinkage what happens to a guy's... Daria: Shutup, Jane, you know what I mean. Daria proceeds to shrink Jane and herself. They hop in the car, and go back in time 16 years... the day before Upchuck was born. Scene 5: Lawndale, March 17, 1981. 11 PM. On Daria's lawn. Daria: We've got to figure out where he was born. Jane: I know! He was born on March 18, 1981 in Lawndale General Hospital. Daria: You would know, wouldn't you? Jane: What? He's practically given it to every girl in the school... except you of course. Daria: Was the a compliment, or an insult? Jane: Kind of both, although he did say he was waiting for the big date with you to tell you. Daria: Well too bad he won't get one, since he's going to die in a few minutes. Jane: (lifts up her fist) Right on! Daria and Jane drive in the tiny time machine to Lawndale General Hospital. As luck would have it, they get there only 1 hour before Upchuck is to be delivered. Scene 6: Lawndale General Hospital. Room 456 Daria and Jane drive up to the door of room 456. They unshrink themselves, and slip in the door. Jane locks the door. Chuck's Mom: Who are you? Daria: I'm the doctor ma'am. And this is my nurse, Ms. Lane. Chuck's Mom: What is your name? Daria: I'm Dr. Morgendorffer. Chuck's Mom: Morgendorffer... where have I heard that name before? No, it can't be Helen and Jake. They only have one daughter, and she's very young. Anyway, that doesn't look like doctor's clothing. Daria: Don't worry, Mrs. Ruttenheimer, this is dress-down day in the hospital, and I guess we're the only ones that dressed down. Chuck's Mom: Oh, I see. Jane: (Whispering to Daria) Shouldn't we go ahead to after his birth? Daria: (Whispering to Jane) Your right. (To Chuck's Mom) We'll be right back ma'am. Chuck's Mom: But I'm about to go into labor! Door slams as Daria and Jane leave. Scene 7: Outside the room. Daria: Let's move it! Scene 8: Outside the room, 1 hour later. Daria and Jane walk into the room, and wait until Chuck is completely born, and the umbilical cord is cut. They grab Chuck, and run out of the room with him. Doctor: (running after Daria and Jane) Hey! Come back here! Scene 9: Daria's house, still the past. Daria knocks on the door. Jake answers. Jake: Who are you, man? Daria: I'm Dar... um.... oh, what the hell? Daria. Jake: What are you doing here? Daria: (holding Chuck) This is my um.... child, Chuck. The father left me and my friend, Joan, here to take care of it. We have been wandering the streets in hopes that someone would take us in and allow us to help this poor baby survive. Jake: (wiping tears from his eyes) Of course you can come in. Stay as long as you need. Daria: Thank you. Daria and "Joan" live with the Morgendorffers, while they have a daughter whom they name Daria, after the kind person living with them, and raise Chuck to be like them. Daria and "Joan" never go ahead in time, knowing that they have already replaced themselves. Chuck, no longer called Upchuck, is now just like Daria and Jane. Note from author --- I would like to thank those of you who gave me ideas, and, unfortunately, since the kill or not kill Upchuck votes were even, I decided on a happy medium. Hey, at least he's not annoying anymore. He's just like Daria. Not that he's going to get a show or anything. THE END