The Daria Files 
By Invisigoth 

Disclaimer: None of this is my property except the storyline, and all the other characters
and trademarked names used here are used without permission for a non-profit cause.
Note: I am and open and out X-Phile, and this is just a parody of the X-Files, and hardcore
X-Philes shouldn't get offended with me screwing up the X characters and stuff. Another
note: Ignore all plot holes here (like if they both go to the same class reunion, how come
Daria and Jane havn't met each other, and Trent isn't really recognized as Jane's brother.).
I purposely put them there to confuse you. 

Scene1: 
Special agent Jane Lane is introduced to her new partner, Special Agent Daria
Morgendorfer, who works in a basement office studying UFO's. 
JANE: UFO's! Cool. 
DARIA: Actually they're not all that interesting, unless you got abducted once or twice. 
JANE: No, I mean that cool picture back there. Is that really you behind that saucer? 
DARIA: Yes. I was watching them abduct my sister... 
JANE: ...and you've been watching aliens hoping to find her ever since. 
DARIA: No, I was the one who gave Quinn away. 
JANE: Then what's with all this UFO stuff? 
DARIA: Just a clever cover so my parents won't suspect me of getting her abducted. 
JANE: Nice. Hey, how about watching some Sick Sad World now? I heard they had a
marothon on today. 
DARIA: Sorry. They powers that be consider me too emersed in my search for
extraterrestial life that they forgot to equipt me with cable tv. But luckily, I managed to
shortwire the guy from the neighboring office's cable to get the quality channals that I need. 
Daria and Jane connect some wires and watch Sick Sad World. 
CIGARETTE SMOKING TRENT(CST): Hey! The tv's broken again. 
WELL-MANICURED JESSE(WMJ)(?): Cool. I'll just fix up the antenna. Man, look, there's
this new show. It's called like the X-Files or something. 
CST: Cool. 
They sit and watch the X-Files while dreaming about having their own band and taking over
the world. 

Scene 2: 
Daria and Jane are called into their bosses office. He just happens to be a bald Upchuck
in glasses. 
UPCHUCK: Chicks!ROAWRRRR 
Daria and Jane look at each other. 
DARIA: Oops. Forgot to tell you about HIM. 
JANE: That's okay. I'd probably find out anyway. 
UPCHUCK: So you girls want a assignment hmmm?(He leans precariously over them) 
DARIA: Careful you frea- I mean sir. 
UPCHUCK: What do you mean? 
JANE: She means that if you advance any farther we're going to report sexual harassment
and have you transfered to the Alternative Lifestyle section of the Bureau. 
He quiets down and hands them a folder. 
JANE: Photocopied porn?! You're really gonna be in trouble now. 
Upchuck grabs the folder back and hands them them the right one. 

Scene 3: 
JANE: So how are we going to find a mythical creature vaguely based several animals and
Janet Reno and then connect it with a series of alien abductions? 
DARIA: I don't know either. But I do know a good way to waste the 3 month waiting time
until the case is closed. 
JANE: Lemme guess: watching TV for 90 days in a row. 
DARIA: I've already done that for sixty cases in a row (hands Jane a newspaper clipping). 
JANE (reads): "Lone Gunpeople. Parinoid Conspirocy Theorists looking for Knew
Members". They spelled new wrong. Must be a good sign. 
DARIA: Anyway, I figure hanging out with a bunch of paranoid airheads must be better than
sitting in a field looking for UFO's. Wanna come along? 
JANE: Sure, why not? 

Scene 4: 
The Lone Gunpeople are really Quinn's Fashion Club in disguise. 
STACY: So like, why are we in these ugly clothes again? This is soooo unfashionable. 
SANDI: Listen, do you want Quinn back or not? 
TIFFANY: You are soooo smart Sandi. Quinn would neeevvver think of a thing like that. 
SANDI: I know. 
Daria and Jane come in. 
SANDI: Quinn's cousin or whatever, uh, like tell us where Quinn is or we will turn you over to
like, the Fashion Police. 
STACY: Aren't we supposed to act paronoid or something? 
SANDI: Oh yeah, right . Um, like sequin's were invented by aliens or whatever. 
TIFFANY: Yeah, and pink nailpolish is like sooooo out. 
Stacy squieks and starts sucking her fingers. 
DARIA: Are you guys the Lone Gunpeople? 
TIFFANY: Uh uh no uh yes uh whatever.. 
JANE(getting an idea): What is the meaning of life? 
STACY: Um...No, I mean yes, uh 42 no 61 uh uh.... 
DARIA: What came first, the chicken or the egg? 
SANDI: Uh the chicken no egg nononono nailpolish doesn't go babble babble babble... 
JANE: If a tree falls on a mime, does anyone care? 
The Fashion Club/Lone Gunpeople's brains go into overload and start to static and fizzle.
Finally they all start to twitch on the floor as smokes rises out of their ears. 
DARIA: Nice one, Jane. (Sarcastically)Now we'll never find Quinn. 
JANE: Oops. Oh well. 

Scene 3: 
Kevin and Brittney got held back for twenty years and are still in Mr. Demartino's history
class. 
Mr.D: No doupt you ALL know the DATE when our counTRY was BORN. (There's noone
else in the class except K and B. The rest had all passed)Kevin? 
KEVIN: Uh, Christmas? 
BRITTNEY: Kevie, you are sooo smart! 
MR.D: WRONG! 
KEVIN: Cool. 
Suddenly a space ship beams Mr.Demartino away. Brittney starts to twirl her hair and
make noises. 
KEVIN: Cool. 

Scene 4: 
Daria and Jane arrive at Lawndale to go to a class reunion, which just happened to be at
the same time as Mr. Demartino's abduction. They arrive in a total police swarm. 
BRITTNEY: So there he was one minute, and then he was gone! It was like, magic or
something. 
OFFICER(who looks remarkably like Jake and isn't really listening)Uh-huh. And then what
did you do with the body? 
KEVIN: It's over there. 
The police arrest Kevin and drag him away. 
BRITTNEY: BABE! 
BRITTNEY:(Sees Jane and Daria) Oh, I'm so glad to see you! I heard you work for the
government or something. 
DARIA: Yeah. We're part of the branch that arrests dumb squeaky-voiced cheerleaders
who like to twirl their hair. 
BRITTNEY: Gee, I feel sorry for those people. 
JANE: Did she mention that we subject them to inhumane hybriderization tests after we
arrest them? 
BRITTNEY: Inhumane hyberada da da da..(brain starts to steam). 
DARIA: Jane.. 
Jane shakes Brittney. 
BRITTNEY: Wha-wha-wha!(snaps out of it). Oh yeah. Those mean police officers took
away my Kevie! Could you please get him back for me? Pretty please?! Pretty PLEASE?! 
She grovels on the ground and grabs Jane and Daria's ankles as she pleads. They
exchange glances as Brittney sobs at their feet. 
DARIA: Alright already. We'll get him back. Just let go of us, and try not to smudge your
makeup. 
BRITTNEY:(gets up) My makeup! EEEP!(She quickly hides her face, and runs to the
bathroom). 
JANE: That was simple. 

Scene 5: 
At the police station. 
DARIA: ....and so I conclude that with the lack of evidence and the suspect's apparent lack
of intelligence, it is unlikely that Kevin Thompson could have had any participation the the
Demartino disapearance case. 
POLICE CHIEF O'NIEL(PCON): Bravo Darcy, Bravo!(Wipes tear from cheek) 
DARIA: It's Daria. 
PCON: Whatever. 
OFFICER JAKE: (looks up from paper) Huh? Oh yeah, uh, I agree with everything you said!

Kevin is informed of his release by Jane. 
KEVIN(still in his cell): Cool. 
BRITTNEY(visiting): See? I knew we could set you free!(They start to make out on the cell
floor, and Jane leaves and the door slams shut.) 

Scene 6: 
At the class reunion, everything is like normal, except that Mr.Demartino, eerily, is there
and even stranger, he's talking with some former students. Ms.Barch is "passing" out
refreshments. 
MACK: Um, just a cup of water please. 
MS.BARCH: Twenty bucks, you MAN, you! 
MACK: Never mind.(Goes and finds a water fountain, which by then has a long line of guys
waiting.) 
JODIE:Thanks for volunteering for refreshments, Ms.Barch. Plate of nachos please. 
MS.BARCH: (hands her huge plate of them)Here you go dearie. Make sure no MEN touch
them; You don't want to catch any diseases. 
JODIE: Uh, yeah. Whatever. (Leaves.) 
DARIA: Something is very wrong here. 
JANE: Upchuck finally scored with a girl? 
DARIA: He's not Upchuck in this fanfic, remember? 
JANE: Oh yeah. He's our boss. 
DARIA: No, but seriously, something is definetely wrong. Ahh!(Mr.Demartino aproaches
them and starts talking. Daria takes out her semi-automatic, and blows the $h!t out of him.) 
JANE: Now what did you have to do that for? 
Mr.Demartino doesn't fall down even though he's scattered all over the place, but starts to
ooze green stuff. 
JODIE: Ewww. He's starting to use green stuff. (Ms. Barch comes over) 
MS. BARCH: Stop oozing, male slime you! 
She starts kicking the oozing Mr.D while shouting expletives. Suddenly, she breathes in the
toxic fumes of the ooze, and keals over dead. People gasp, and then the guys start to
cheer. Jane throughs the punch bowl over the ooze, and everyone is saved. 

Scene 7: 
Driving back to Washington. 
JANE: So how DID you know that it wasn't the real Demartino? 
DARIA: Would you believe it if I said I didn't? 
JANE: No. 
DARIA: Well, I noticed that his eye didn't bulge out for the entire reunion, and he was
actually acting nicely to the students. Besides, he didn't mention anything about being
abducted. 
Suddenly, bright lights fill the sky as a flying saucer lands, and Quinn gets out. Of course,
she looks just as young and cute as when she was abducted years ago, but instead of her
mini-pink T-shirt, she's wearing the latest fashions of the future. 
QUINN(as an admiring crowd surrounds her):Thanks for the ride, guys! 
Alien Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie(they're joined at the shoulders)wave and beg her to go out
with them. 
QUINN: For the fiftyth time, NO. 
JANE: She can count that high? 
DARIA: I guess all those years in space finally taught her something. 
Of course Quinn becomes even more popular than before because she's been abducted
and she still looks cute. Another Fashion Club grow around Quinn, only this time she's
president, and soon she forgets all about Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany. 
JANE: I guess you did her a favor Daria, getting her abducted. 

Scene 8: 
When they get back, they find that Upchuck as indeed been transfered to the Alternate
Lifestyes branch of the Bureau by some other harassed female agent, but Principal Li is
their new boss. 
They're sitting the the office watching stolen cable when X-Files conspiricy charged
Cigarette Smoking Trent(CST) and Well-Manicured Jesse(WMJ)(?) burst in their room. 
WMJ: Aha! So they were behind all this! 
CST: Who are you working for? and what did you do with my sister?! 
Daria and Jane look at each other, and continue to watch Sick Sad World. 
WMJ: The government is behing this! It's a cover-up conspircy! 
CST: I KNOW what Really happened at Roswell! 
(Note: this is what happens when you watch an X-Files marathon non-stop for 2 days in a
row) 
JANE: Guys, chill. We're trying to watch Sick Sad World here. 
CST(back to normal): Oh yeah. Cool.(Sits down with back to "normal" WMJ and watches it
with them). 

Scene 9: 
Lawndale Jail cell: 
KEVIN: Help! Let us out of here! 
BRITTNEY: Anyone! Please! 

THE END