“The Band, the sleeze, and the flygirls”


At Lawndale High, Ms. Li was patrolling the halls, making sure every student 
is in class. She suddenly heard a whisper coming from behind the water 
fountain. She looked behind it, and she saw Upchuck talking to Brittany in a 
smooth way, while Brittany looked disgusted. 
“Soooooo, I thought after the movie we could head on over to the old makeout 
cliff and...” Upchuck started. 
“And throw you off it?” Brittany said, in a very discouraging way. 
“Oooooo, she’s a back talker. I like it! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!” 
“Excuse me, Brittany, Charles, shouldn’t you be in class?” Ms. Li sternly 
asked. 
“Ms. Li, I was gonig to class until this Upchucking scuzzball came up and 
tried to make out with me!” Brittany snapped. 
“Heeeey, she practically threw herself on me. What was I supposed to do, 
huh?” 
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” 
“Alright, both of you, enough! Charles, may I see you in my office? NOW?” 
Ms. Li gave him a sharp look and Upchuck followed behind her as they walked to 
her office. 
That day, in history class, Brittany came in and slammed the door behind her, 
and took her seat. 
“Ah, Brittany, thank you for gracing ourselves with your presence. Too bad 
you couldn’t have done that twenty minutes ago!” Mr. DeMartino said. 
“Sorry sir, um, I was, uhhhh...infected with sleeziness out in the halls.” 
“Upchuck again?” Kevin asked Brittany. 
“Yeah, this time he tried to sucker me into dating him! Bastard!” 
“Don’t worry babe, I’ll check it out after class. Shouldn’t be too hard to 
squash.” Kevin laughed. 
“Excuse me, but if we could shut the hell up for the rest of the class, I’d 
like to talk more about the war, IF that’s okay with queen tardy over there!” 
cried Mr. DeMartino. 
“Pssst, Daria, you wanna come over after school today?” Jane whispered to 
Daria. 
“Why not? I always do anyway. Besides, I think ‘Sick Sad World’ is having a 
special today.” Daria answered, dryly as ever. 
“HEY! Don’t think I can’t hear you two back there! Dara! Jean!” 
“It’s Daria.” 
“And Jane.” 
“Excuse me, but I think that if I am trying to get some knowledge into all 
your pathetic little heads about a tragic event with many people killed and 
injured horribly, you can spare me the knowledge of your real names!” Mr. 
DeMartino was having one of his fits. 
“Sorry, but what would happen if a private mistook the name of one his 
generals?” Daria asked. 
“THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!”

Later, after class, Kevin confronted Upchuck in the halls. 
“Hey, listen, Chuckup, you better stop hitting on my girlfriend or I’m gonna 
rip your...um....yo, Mack Daddy!” Kevin called to Mack. 
“I keep telling you not to call me that. Now what’s going on?” Mack asked. 
“What would you tear apart if someone started hitting on your girlfriend?” 
“Probably his ass.” Mack answered. 
“Yeah, I’m gonna rip apart your ass, Upchuck!” Kevin stated, proudly. 
Something was wrong with Upchuck. He was sad, not his usual annoying self. 
“Sorry big guy, I just got some atrocious news.” Upchuck said. 
“What is it, Chuckmeister?” 
“I’m trying to apply into Smoketown Uneversity for college. Highest college 
around, and Ms. Li just told me that I need to get involved with some 
activitys outside of school.” 
“Well, just act in a play. Or be on the town sports team.” Mack said. 
“I can’t do any of that! Besides, it doesn’t attract the ladys as much. No, 
I need something more interesting. Something more...sexy!” Upchuck grinned, 
unfortunately he had no idea what the hell he was thinking.
After school that day, Daria and Jane were watching “Sick Sad World” in 
Jane’s room until they heard some loud ruckess from the basement. Trent and 
his friend Jesse, no dobut. 
“Dammit! When’s he gonna learn to cut that out?” Jane exclaimed. 
“Maybe their new song is called ‘Let’s ruin the Sick Sad World special for my 
sister and her friend’.” Daria shrugged. 
“Look, maybe we should just watch it at your house.” 
“Nooo way. Quinn and her fashion friends are over there watching models 
attempt to put on their tights and walk on high heels over and over again. I 
don’t even want to bother.” 
At first, Daria and Jane decided to ignore the music, until the noise was so 
loud it shook the ground and Daria’s glasses fell off. 
“Well, there goes the neighborhood.” said Daria. 
“That’s it. We’re going down there.” Jane said, and with that, the two 
immediately reported down to the basement and saw Trent and Jesse playing like 
mad. 
“Yo! Bon Jovi! You want to keep it down?” Jane called over the music. 
“What? Oh hi Jane. Hey Daria.” Trent said, stopping the music. 
“Since when do you practice at this time of day anyway?” Jane asked. 
“Since business has been slow lately.” amitted Trent. 
“Yeah, we haven’t had a gig since a month ago.” Jesse added in. 
“Well, I hope things work out.” said Daria. 
“So, what’d you think of our new song?” Trent asked. 
“It kind of reminds me of that time you ran over that possum on the road.” 
Jane said, chuckling. 
“Hey, that thing came out of nowhere.” Trent implied. 
“Sure it did. So listen, could you guys keep it down? Me and Daria would 
like our ears to remain healthy if you don’t mind.” 
“No way, man. We gotta practice night and day, day and night, whatever. 
That is, if we want to get a gig.” Trent said, tweaking a string on his 
guitar. 
“Come on, do your little sister a favor and shut the hell up.” said Jane. 
“Sorry. We need to get some gigs and not practicing isn’t going to help.” 
Trent shrugged, and started playing again. 
Jane and Daria decided it was futile to argue and left.
That night at the Morgendorffer’s dinner table, all was silent eating until 
Helen broke it with the same question she would ask every night. 
“So, girls, what are your plans for the evening?” 
“Well, I’m supposed to go out with Joey but I heard something disturbing 
about him from Jamie so I’m not sure I’ll go out with him and take Jamie 
instead, but maybe I’ll forget them both and go out with Jeffy.” Quinn said. 
“And how about you, Daria?” Helen asked. 
“I guess I could read or something, but I’ve got homework that if I don’t 
turn in Mr. DeMartino’s eye will pop out.” 
“No date again, I see.” Quinn quietly added in. 
“Oh, well homework is import-” Helen started, but Jake interrupted her. 
“You know, Daria, Quinn may be right. It wouldn’t kill you to take some 
interest into the opposite sex every now and then. Don’t you have a boy at 
school you like?” 
“No,” Daria quickly said. 
“Come on, nobody?” 
“Well, I guess there is this one guy, but I don’t think it would work out.” 
Daria shrugged. 
“Really? Who is it?” Jake asked, eagerly. 
At first, Daria didn’t want to say. But then she figured, what’s the use? 
Her parents and Quinn would probably keep asking until she couldn’t take it 
anymore, so she might as well do it now. 
“Trent. Trent Lane. Jane’s brother.” Daria sighed. 
“Hmmmm, Trent Lane, huh? Don’t think I’ve heard of him.” Helen thought. 
“Yeah, well he doesn’t exactly go to my school. He’s a little older than 
that.” 
“Ha! An older man? Daria, you don’t have a chance!” Quinn laughed. 
“Quinn!” Helen and Jake said together. 
“I’m sure he’s very nice.” Helen said. 
“So have you two, y’know...” 
“Jake!” Helen cried. 
“All I’m asking is if you’ve tried going out with him, or asking him out.” 
said Jake. 
“Well, the thought never occured to me about going out. May I be excused?” 
Daria asked, standing up. 
“Well all right,” Helen said.
The next day, Upchuck was in Mrs. Manson’s office discussing his problem. 
“I don’t know what to do. I asked Ms. Li if being a babe magnet counted as 
an extra-cirricular activity and she said no.” 
“Well, Charles, think hard about your hobbies and try to do something 
oriented with that.” Mrs. Manson implied. 
“Hobbies?” Upchuck asked, suspicously. 
“You don’t have any hobbies?” 
“Well...I like to paste pictures of my face on sexy magazines.” 
“That’s not a hobbie! That’s just stupid!” Mrs. Manson snapped. 
Out in the hallway, Daria was talking to Jane. 
“So anyway, my parents think I need to go out with a boy.” 
“Really. Well, you certainly have a wide variety to choose from.” Said 
Jane, sarcastically. 
“Yeah I know. And even if I wanted a guy here who’s left?” 
Suddenly Upchcuk came out of Mrs. Manson’s office weeping. 
“Besides Upchuck.” Daria said. 
The bell suddenly rang. For Daria and Jane, it was time for English class. 
“Ah, the bell. Another class in which I will waste away my knowledge, 
instead of at college.” Upchuck moped.
In Mr. O’Neill’s class, most of the students fell asleep in ther first two 
minutes. That was unusual, because normally they would start snoozing after 
the first four. 
“So, what is Jane Austen telling us in ‘Emma’?” Mr. O’Neill asked the class. 
As usual, Daria was the only one who raised their hand. 
“Daria?” 
“It’s just another message about how women love men and will do anything for 
them. Ho hum, yawn, snore.” 
“Um, that’s correct, but it isn’t always like that.” 
“Yes it is. The same thing goes with songs, movies, and TV. It’s the never 
ending quest for happiness brought on by feelings for the opposite sex. Or 
the same. It just gets kind of dull after a while.” said Daria. 
“Okay, maybe you’re right. But why is that necessarily dull?.” 
“Most of those love storys end in really cheesy ways in which the man or the 
woman get what they really want. Sex.” 
“True, true, but think about it. If the people in those situations didn’t 
have sex, happiness could never be fully acheived. You see, we humans have 
the gift of feelings. Feelings for eachother. And sex, well, it makes people 
happy to the fullest. Trust me. A romantic partner will lead to happiness.” 
Just then, the bell rang and it was time for science class.
In class, Ms. Barch had two mice scurrying inside a cage on her desk. 
“And so, that’s how mice mate. But I can’t imagine why the female mouse 
would want to have anything to do with the likes of a male part of the 
species. Poor mouse. Poor, poor mouse. If only she knew the dangers of 
mating and giving herself up to a...a...a man! And oh, don’t think she won’t 
regret it. Pretty soon she’ll be weeping over a divorce, laying on her back, 
eating cheese while regretting she ever touched the little rodent scum bag.” 
Ms. Barch rambled. 
Mack raised his hand and asked “Can mice really do that?” 
“Shut up, Mack! This is not about mice, or you men with your dumb questions! 
It’s about the pain and suffering any of smart girls will go through if you 
have sex with someone. You hear me?!” 
“Phew. That’s a releif.” Daria said from the back of the class. 
“What do you mean?” Ms. Barch asked. 
“Mr. O’Neill said that women can’t acheive true happiness unless they quote 
on quote ‘mate’ with a man.” 
“Well, don’t let that man fill your smart little head with all that. You’re 
a clever girl, Daria. Don’t forget that if you have sex someday. And that 
goes for all of you girls out there.” 
Suddenly the bell rang and the day was over. 
“Oh, Daria, I forgot to tell you. We can watch TV over at my house today.” 
Jane said, walking with Daria on their way home. 
“But won’t Trent and Jesse be playing their usual riffs?” 
“Not today. Trent called me during history class to tell me something.” 
“During history class? Mr. D must’ve had a fit. What was so urgent?” 
“He was so excited that he figured out what was missing from ‘Mystik Spiral’, 
he had to tell me right away. He’s decided to hire a couple of backup 
singers, aka flygirls. He’s auditioning them today.” 
“When you see him, tell him I said ‘good luck.’ He’s going to need it.” 
Daria said, chuckling a bit.
The two returned to Jane’s basement and saw Trent and Jesse sitting on their 
amplifiers completely spaced out. 
“Yo, earth to Trent. What’s going on? Don’t you have backup singers to 
audition?” Jane said. 
“Everything’s all messed up. We’ve only had two girls come in and try out so 
far.” Trent said. 
“Yeah, so far our only choices are Bonnie Phelps and she can’t sing, and 
Melissa Smith and she-” 
“Let me guess: Can’t sing?” 
“No, she hates basements and is refusing to rehearse.” Jesse sighed. 
“Wow. That sucks. Let me know if things work out for ya’, Jesse.” Daria 
said, leaving with Jane. Trent and Jesse spent the rest of the afternoon 
sittin on their amps. thinking about taking a nap.
The next day was another school day, and Daria and Jane had art class. So 
did Uphuck. 
Ms. Defoe was checking out what the students were painting lately. She 
glanced at Upchuck’s. It was a handsome, well dressed man walking on the 
beach with his head down and hands in his pockets. 
“Charles, what do you call this?” She asked. 
“I call it ‘A lost cause’. It’s supposed to signify my pathetic journey to 
manhood.” Upchuck said. 
“Wow. Upchuck finally took a hint.” Daria dryly said. 
“Charles, don’t be silly. You aren’t failing your quest to manhood. Just 
because you can’t get into that college you want to go to doesn’t mean-” Ms. 
Defoe said until Upchuck stopped her. 
“Hey, how did you know about that?” 
“Ms. Li. She practically told the whole rest of the faculty.” 
“Oh superb! Now everyone’s going to ridicule me and laugh like I’m a 
football player!” Upchuck groaned. 
“Oh you’re exaggerating.” Ms. Defoe assured him. But just then, the door 
opened and Mr. DeMartino peeked in. 
“Hey, Upchuck, good luck finding an extra-cirricular activity! HA HA HA HA 
HA HA HA HA!” The man laughed, leaving and closing the door behind him. 
Ms. Defoe laughed nervously. 
“I’m just going to look at the other paintings, okay? Be right back.” She 
said, walking away. 
“Oh, poor guy. I almost feel sorry for him.” Jane said. 
“The key word there is ‘almost’.” Said Daria. 
“Right. So listen, I talked to Trent last night after you went home and I 
agreed to be one of his flygirls.” 
“You what?!” Daria gasped. 
“Ah, he was in trouble. And besides, it’s not permenent. He says I'm a good 
singer.” 
“Doesn’t that involve making your voice higher?” 
“Yeah, but the guitars are so loud it’ll probably drown most my singing out.” 
Shrugged Jane. 
“Well, I hope you have fun.” Daria said sarcastically. 
“Actually, I was sort of thinking that you could join too.” 
“Again I say ‘what?!’ Are you out of your mind?” 
“Hey, it might make Trent like you more.” 
“Why would I want that?” Daria asked suspicously. 
“Oh come on Daria, remember that time you got that rash whenever he showed 
up, or when you got your naval pierced for him? You like him. Just admit 
it.” Jane nudged Daria a bit. 
“This sucks. Everyone’s talking about the opposite sex. My parents, Mr. 
O’Neill, Ms. Barch, you.” Daria complained. 
She thought about what Mr. O’Neill said about happiness, but then she thought 
about what Ms. Barch said. But then again, Ms. Barch said stuff like that all 
the time, so she sucked it up and agreed to be a backup singer. 
“But if I have to sing songs about pretty rainbows, Trent’s guitar is going 
up your nose.” 
What Daria and Jane didn’t know was that Upchuck was listening to their whole 
conversation. He then thought to himself ‘hey, that’s an extra cirricular 
activity, and it would attract chicks.’

That night at the Morgendorffer’s living room, Daria told her parents about 
everything. 
“Backup singer? That’s great, kiddo!” Jake exclaimed. 
“See, Daria? You can do something outside of school and it can be fun at the 
same time.” Helen smiled. 
“Oh puh-leeeease, you guys. Daria can’t sing! Am I the only one in this 
family who sees the flaw in this situation?!” Quinn protested. 
“Now Quinn, you should be encouraging your sister. After all, she’s going to 
be in night clubs entertaining the crowd, meeting lots of new people, using 
her pretty voice.” Said Helen. 
“Well, it’s just that....can I be a backup singer too?” Quinn asked quietly. 
“Forget it. I see enough of you as it is every day. Besides, don’t you 
already have enough stuff to do?” Daria asked. 
“No way! By the way, mom, dad, I just joined the glee club and we’re on a 
pretty tight rehearsal schedule.” 
“Great. Now you can use your voice to sing things other than songs by 
Elainis Moresette.” Daria said. 
“Oh, and since when did you become miss high pitch?” Quinn asked, sassily. 
“None of your business. Anyways, it’s not like I’ll suddenly become more 
popular than you or anything.” 
“Don’t jinx it!”

At Trent’s band practice, Daria and Jane told Trent and Jesse the news. 
“Cool. Our problems are solved. What do you say we give our new song a 
try?” Said Trent, smoothly. 
“What’s the song called?” 
“It’s called ‘Please don’t puke on my sneakers’.” 
“Great.” 
“Okay, ready jess’? One, two, thr-” 
“Excuse me, is this where ‘Mystick Spiral’ rehearses?” Came a familiar voice 
from outside. The figure came into the garage. It was Upchuck. 
“Who are you?” Trent asked. 
“Upchuck? What the hell are you doing here?” Jane asked, shocked. 
“Ah, hello ladies. Gentlemen, I was wondering if you were in the need of a 
superb vocalist.” 
“Jane, Daria, you know this guy?” Asked Jesse. 
“Yes. Yes we do, unfortunately. He hits on us, gets in trouble at school, 
and doesn’t how to take it when a girl says ‘drop dead’.” Daria explained. 
“Really, well sorry mister, uh, chuckup, or whatever. We aren’t looking for 
another singer.” Trent said, kind of sharply. 
“Oh but I think you need one. You see, your band can never be to big.” 
Upchuck grinned. 
“And...why are we supposed to care when you say that?” Jane asked. 
“Because, if you let me in, your guitars will be playing a very different 
tune indeed.” 
“What is that supposed to mean?” 
“I think you’ll find your guitars more on key with brand new ones.” Upchuck 
said, pulling out his wallet and taking out more money then Trent and Jesse 
ever saw. 
“How did you get that much?” Daria asked. 
“Parents, my dear. My allowance is what you call ‘over the top’, if you know 
what I mean.” 
“No, I don’t. And if you call me ‘my dear’ again, that wallet will be going 
down your throat.” 
“Okay. You’re in. But I’m pretty sure we’ve got ourselves a gig this 
sunday, and if you blow it, you’re out? Deal?” Trent put out his hand. 
“Deal, my friend.” Upchuck shook Trent’s hand firmly. 
“Well, this should put us right up there with the Beatles, and...street 
performers.” Jane whispered. 
“Growr! Feisty!”

Soon, at school, Upchuck was having a hard time concentrating in art, 
history, english, and science. All he could think about was ‘Mystick Spiral’, 
and nothing else. For example, in history class, Mr. DeMartino asked him if 
he could say what one of the general’s names was in World War 2, and Upchuck 
said ‘general D Minor’. Mr. De’s eye nearly popped out with rage. Or in art, 
Ms. Defoe assigned Upchuck to paint a picture based on the old painting, “the 
scream”. He painted a picture of himself screaming into a microphone with 
Daria and Jane in back of him in sexy outfits singing. Then came Economics 
Class. 
“Class, who here can tell me- Yes, Charles?” Mrs. Bennet said, frustrated. 
“My band’s gig is this sunday. Want to come?” 
“Charles, this is completely the wrong time to ask that sort of thing.” 
“But this if my first time performing! It’s like....when you got your first 
fuzzy wee bit.” 
“Young man, please shut up.” 
The rest of the class thought about Upchuck up there on stage in front of 
everyone, singing. ‘This should be good’, they thought. They were going to 
check it out. Mrs. Bennet, however, was fed up with Upchuck.
Later that day, in Ms. Li’s office, many of the school teachers bursted in, 
looking upset. 
“Alright, what’s the problem now?” Ms. Li asked, impatiently. 
“Um, Ms. Li, we’ve come to talk to you about Charles Ruttheimer. He’s 
becoming a-” Mr. O’Neill timidly started. 
“I’ll handle this. Ms. Li, he’s a stuck up little freak!” Ms. Barch cried. 
“Really? I thought he always was like that.” said Ms. Li. 
“True, but latelyhe’s been talking about the same thing over and over again.” 
Mr. O’Neill stated. 
“And what would that be?’ 
“His god damn band!” Mr. DeMartino yelled. Pretty much everyone outside 
heard that. 
“Band? Why, I had no idea.” Ms. Li said, thinking to herself. 
“What I’m wondering is why he suddenly joined a band anyway. He never 
mentioned it before.” Ms. Defoe said. 
“Yeah, it’s not like he ever had any talent.” Ms. Barch laughed. 
“Well, maybe he...Uh oh.” said Ms. Li, sinking into her chair. 
“Why ‘uh oh’?” 
“Well, he may have started taking up this music thing when I told him he 
needed an extra cirricular activity to get into his choice college.” 
“But being in a band isn’t exactly what colleges are looking for.” Mrs. 
Bennet stated. 
“He may have assumed otherwise.” 
“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to break the news to him gently!” Mr. 
DeMartino said, smirking. 
“But how? How do we crush a boy’s spirit like that?” Ms. Defoe gently 
asked. 
“I’ll tell you how we do it: We tell him right at his performance! He he 
he, heh heh heh, HA HA HA HA HA!” Mr. DeMartino let out an evil laugh. 
Soon it was sunday, and Daria was suiting up in her singer’s outfit. Quinn 
just happened to stumble in her sister’s room. 
“I still don’t know why you’re doing this, Daria.” 
“Hey, you’ve got your little mysterys, I’ve got mine.” 
“Well, for your information, I’ll be there with my friends tonight, so then I 
can make fun of your singing until you die.” 
“Why can’t you just sit with mom and dad?” 
“Are you kidding? Dad’ll probably start singing along with the words, and 
exclaiming weird things about his father and why he never got involved with 
things like this.” 
“Do whatever you want. But to make you happy, you may be interested to know 
that being a flygirl in a band, singing high pitched notes, and wearing 
explicit clothing, goes against everything I stand for. Just thought you’d 
like to know that.” 
“Then why are you doing it?!” Quinn exploded. 
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” And with that, Daria walked out of her room 
(now fully suited up) and downstairs to catch a ride from Trent. 
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Quinn screamed. 
At the gig, Upchuck was feeling as refreshed as ever while the others were 
setting up. 
“My oh my, I can hardly with to sing with all my might and watch all the foxy 
ladys kiss my feet.” He smiled. 
“Listen, Charles, Upchuck, whatever your name is. We aren’t in this for 
girls or anything like that. We’re in this to express our feelings through 
songs and tunes. You got that?” Trent sharply said. 
“Affirmative, my dark haired cohort.” 
“Well, here we are in these disgusting clothes, ready to sing our hearts 
out.” said Jane, sarcastically. 
“Man, I don’t why the hell I decided to do this, but something tells me after 
tonight people are going to look at me in a whole new way.” Daria said, 
spacily. 
“You can certainly say that again.” 
Time passed, and the little coffee house began to fill up with more people 
then Daria could imagine. 
“Since when do so many people come to one of Trent’s gigs?” She asked Jane. 
“Well, forgive me if I’m mistaken, but, aren’t all these people 
from....school?” Jane said, shocked. 
Daria was shocked too. The only people she could see from school were Helen 
and Jake. 
“You go Daria! That’s my girl!” Jake cried. 
“Jake, sit down.” Helen told Jake, softly pulling her husband back down to 
his seat. 
At another table, Quinn sat with Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, Jeffy, and 
Jamie. 
“For the last time: What are we doing here?” Sandi asked Quinn. 
“I already told you, my parents wanted me to get a taste of an actual coffee 
house, like the ones they went to back then.” Quinn said, thinking to herself 
how big of a lie that was. But there was NO way in hell that she would say 
that she came to see Daria perform. 
“Hey Quinn, isn’t that your cousin up there?” Tiffany asked, squinting to 
see who was on the stage. 
“No, of course not! Look at that outfit! That is so totally not my sister, I 
mean, cousin.” 
“Those two guitarists are kind of cute.” Sandi said. But then something 
very disturbing caught her eye. 
“What is Upchuck doing up there?” She asked, disgusted. 
“Uck! What a loser!” Stacy chimed in. 
“I’m telling you Quinn, that’s your cousin.” Tiffany said, still squinting. 
“No it isn’t! Now shut up! What’s the big deal about that anyway?” Quinn 
snapped. 
“I was going to say, if it was, that she looks very cute in those clothes.” 
“Cuter than me?” Quinn cried. 
“No way. You’re way cuter.” 
“Definitely. No one could be cuter than you, Quinn.” Jamie said. This 
upsetted Sandi. 
“Yeah, you should be up there singing, Quinn.” Joey smiled at Quinn. 
“You really think so?” Quinn perkily asked. 
“Yes. The only thing better than hearing your voice talking would be your 
voice...um...singing!” Jeffy exclaimed. 
Suddenly, Trent’s voice was heard over the microphone and all became quiet. 
“Hey everybody, we’re Mystick Spiral, but we’re thinking of changing the 
name. I’m happy we’ve got such a big turnout tonight, because I’d like to 
introduce some new additions to our band. First, on backup singing we’ve got 
my little sister Jane, and her friend Daria.” 
“YEAH! WOHOOOO!” Jake cried. 
“And a new addition to our singing, Charles Ruttheimer.” 
“Thank you! Thank you all!” Upchuck cried, blowing kisses to the crowd. 
The entire audience laughed. 
“This new song is called ‘If you have no talent, don’t even try’.” Trent 
said, and with that, he and Jesse started playing their guitars. 
“Welllllllllll, don’t even try, don’t try man, don’t try.” Trent sang. 
“Don’t try, don’t try, don’t try, ohhhh, don’t try.” Daria and Jane sang in 
the backround. Suddenly, Upchuck started to sing. 
“Ohhhhhh, babie, I’m trying anyway man, man man man man man.” He sang, 
totally off key. The audience laughed hysterically. 
As time went by, Trent and Jesse played and sang, as well as Upchuck. The 
audience kept laughing, and Daria and Jane frowned a lot, but kept up the 
singing pace. Finally, the gig was over. 
“Daria, sweetie, that was great!” Jake cried, hugging her like mad. 
“I’m glad you enjoyed it, dad.” Daria laughed nervously. 
“Daria, that was magnifficent. Except tell that singer with the freckles he 
was a little off.” Helen whispered. 
“No problem.” 
Upchuck walked off the stage, wondering why everyone laughed when he sang. 
He found out when he encountered Kevin and Brittany. 
“Chuckmeister, that was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time!” 
Kevin exclaimed. 
“Yeah Upchuck, you suck! He he he he ha ha ha!” She laughed, walking off 
with Kevin. 
“Fine! Never mind you guys!” Uphcuk called after them. He then bumped into 
many figures at once. He looked up and saw who they were: His teachers. 
“Well well well, Charles Ruttheimer, we meet again.” Mr. DeMartino gave him 
the evil eye. 
“Why hello, fine educators. What did you all think?” 
“Young man, that sucked.” Ms. Barch snapped. 
‘What she means is...Charles, that your singing lacked...um...” Mr. O’Neill 
said nervously. 
“How about it lacked tunes?” Mrs. Bennet laughed. 
“Charles, I think you may have misenterperted what I said when you needed to 
get involved with an extra-cirricular activity.” Ms. Li said. 
“What do you mean, ma’am?” 
“Bands don’t count!” Mr. DeMartino snapped, leaving with the other teachers. 
Upchuck’s heart sank. Nobody liked his music, and it wouldn’t help him get 
into college. Then Trent came up to him. 
“Charlie, I’m sorry, but-” 
“I’m fired?” 
“Yep. Sorry man.” Trent walked away. 
Daria and Jane watched as Upchuck walked out of the coffee house. 
“Wow. It looks like somebody finally took a hint.” said Jane. 
“Yeah, maybe that changed him forever.” Daria wondered. 
The two looked at eachother. 
“Nah.” 
The two then encountered Jodie. 
“Jodie? You came too?” Daria asked, surprised. 
“Yeah, but just to laugh at Upchuck. Boy was I surprised to find you two 
back there singing. Doesn’t this all go against everything to stand for?” 
“Yes, but it’s a long complicated story.” said Daria. 
“Oh. So, are you guys going to keep this up?” 
“Daria, what do you think?” Jane turned to Daria. 
“I don’t think so. These clothes make me look like Quinn. What do you 
think?” She asked Jane. 
“Hey, the only reason I joined is so I could help you get closer to Trent, I 
mean, oh damnit.” Jane slapped her hand. Daria gave her a mean look. 
“So, Daria, you’ve got a little thing for the lead singer?” Jodie asked. 
“Shut up.” 

The next day, Daria and Jane retured to Trent’s garage. 
“Hey Trent, Daria and I decided that we don’t want to be backup singers 
anymore.” Jane said. 
“Sure. Okay.” Trent shrugged and turned back to Jesse. 
“That’s it? Don’t you mind if you don’t have backup singers anymore?” 
“No, because I got a new backup singer that was just as good as both of you 
were.” Trent moved out of the way to reveal the mystery girl to Jane and 
Daria: Quinn. 
“Hi guys! Isn’t this cool? I’m the new backup singer for Mystick Spiral!” 
“Yeah. I’m all happy now.” Daria said dryly.
THE END