Daria and Jane go with Mystik Spiral to a “Battle of the Bands.” Quinn throws a blow-out party. Find out how these events combine to give Daria a missing night.

Daria in . . .

that was the weekend that wasnt


Note: Takes place in Season 4, after “I Loathe a Parade” and “Of Human Bonding.”

~~~{ Act I }~~~

Weekend Plans

Scene opens with exterior shot of Lawndale High. The school bell rings, then the shot cuts to the interior shot of Daria’s locker. She opens it and trades a few books back and forth from it and her backpack. Jane walks up from off screen while zips up her back pack.

Jane (cheerful): T.G.I.F., O Sardonic One! Got plans for this weekend?

Daria closes her locker and hooks her pack onto her shoulder. The pair then start walking up the corridor.

Daria (as the two start walking through the hall): Nothing special. Mom and Dad are going out of town today. Something about a copyright infringement case against one of Dad’s clients. We managed to talk them out of dragging Quinn and me along with them.

Jane: I suppose Quinnie has a big party planned for the weekend then? Without your parents knowledge, of course

Daria: She did managed to talk Mom into letting the fashion drones come over for a summit meeting on silk stockings on Saturday. I figure that’s enough to bore the Mount Rushmore presidents to tears. (Looks at Jane) What did you have in mind?

Jane: The Zon is having a (holds hands up and makes quotes with her fingers) “Battle of the bands” on Saturday night.

Daria (trying to sound nonplussed): Gee, that sounds like fun.

Jane : C’mon, Daria, show some support! The guys have been practicing every night for the past two weeks. For real. (Daria looks skeptical at that) The grand prize is a spot in a concert over in Suitsville and some actual studio time. (Looks at Daria) It should be quite the skirmish.

Daria (holding out): Well, I don’t know....Remember Alternapalooza?

Jane (laughing): Boy, do I! (Catches sight of Daria’s venomous look and quickly deflates) Heh...Oh, all right, I suppose that could have gone better.

The girls stop at another locker. Jane steps up and starts fiddling with the combination lock.

Daria: That’s like saying the Hindenberg’s flight could have gone better.

Jane (opening her locker): Look, it’s not going to be that bad. They’re setting it up in an empty pasture outside of town. It’s not like we have to go all the way to Suitsville or something. Jessie, Max, and Nicholas will go out ahead of time in The Tank, and we’ll ride out with Trent.

Daria: Um...(Jane sees that Daria is still somewhat smitten with her brother) Swell?

Jane (sighs): You’re not going to get that rash again, are you?

The school bell rings.

The Fashion Club in Mrs. Bennett’s Class

Scene opens with shot of class room filled with various Lawndale students. The only ones immediately recognizable are the Fashion Club, sitting in the near right corner of the class room (from the Camera’s p.o.v.) Mrs. Bennett is, as usual, with her back to the class and drawing one of her diagrams that looks like a football play drawn during an earthquake.

Mrs. Bennett (prattling): Now, to continue our discussion on how international exchange rates effect the local market economy, we first need to understand how the various forms of currency around the world effect each other by...(continues on, unintelligible in the background. Like anyone’s listening anyway.)

Back in the corner, the Fashion Club is talking amongst themselves, semi-conspiratorially.

Sandi (whispers): So, is everything ready for this Saturday?

Quinn (also whispering): Just about. With Mom and Dad gone, we’ll have the house all to ourselves until at least Monday morning. I just have to make sure that I take care of a few other . . .uh . . .little details. We ought to get the place to ourselves about three.

Stacy (happily whispering): Oh wow! This is going to be so much fun! How did you convince your parents to let you have a party after what happened the last time?

Quinn: I didn’t have too. I just told them that I was having the Fashion Club over for a meeting. And you guys are coming over to help me set up, right? There’s our meeting.

Sandi: You simply neglected to tell them that the meeting was a Party Preparation meeting. (Snidely) Brilliant.

Tiffany (long drawl): Yyyyeeeeaaaahhhhhhh.

Sandi (sarcastically) : I wish that I could have thought of something like that.

Quinn (glues a fake smile on her face): Oh, Sandi! I just wish I could be a brilliant as you all the time!

Sandi: Hmph.

Quinn: (v/o as she pretends to pay attention) Maybe after I stick an ice pick in my ear.....Oh, god, I’ve got to quit hanging around Daria!

Stacy (stifled giggle): Don’t forget, it b.y.m.b!

[Note: she means “bring your make-up bag.” She is a Fashion Drone after all!]

Tiffany: Wwwhhhaaattt?

Stacy (deflated that no one got it): “Bring your -- “ (looks at the wall and mumbles something that sounds like “Oh, forget it.”)

Off in one of the adjoining rows, one of the students from the football team, Robert (the one who called Daria and Quinn “Ma’am” in “The New Kid“) and Evan (form “See Jane Run“), catches part of the exchange and perks up slightly at the b.y.m.b. reference.

Robert (to Evan in the next row): Didja catch that? Party at Quinn’s on Saturday -- B.Y.O.B!

Evan: Cool! We’re there!

Dinner at the Morgendorffer

Exterior shot of front of Morgendorffer house, then switch to a shot of Jane and Daria walking into the kitchen, dropping their bags on the kitchen counter and heading to the refrigerator. Stuck to the refrigerator door is a bright yellow note.

Daria (reading from note): Dear Kids, Plane leaves at four. Should be in Chicago by seven. Will call when we get to the hotel. Should be back by Wednesday or Thursday. Plenty of food in refrigerator. Remember - No parties! Love, Mom and Dad.

Putting the back of her hand to her forehead, Jane puts on a good act of being emotionally moved.

Jane (fake sniff): Oh, that was beautiful!

Daria (flatly): Oh, please. Stop. You know what it does to me when you get emotional.

Daria pulls open the freezer and refrigerator doors. Shot changes to interior shot of both as Daria and Jane take inventory.

Daria: Six frozen lasagnas. Thanks, Mom

Jane: A case of no calorie, co caffeine, no fizz, no flavor, diet soda. Quinn’s set.

Daria: A bottle of Martini olives. A Jake Morgendorffer staple.

Jane: A gallon of double fudge chocolate and peanut butter ice cream?...Who’s is that?

Daria: Hmm. Mom must have been talking to Aunt Rita again...

Shot changes to side view of Daria and Jane staring into the refrigerator.

Daria (continuing): Cold cuts, milk, salad-in-a-bag...

Jane (triumphantly): Ah-Ha! Pay dirt! (Reaches into the freezer half and pulls out a tub of something.) Five pounds of frozen cookie dough! Chocolate chip!

Daria (smirks): Helllllloooooooo diabetic coma. (Closing the refrigerator): You find the movie, I’ll get the insulin and some extra pillows from upstairs.

Jane (turning with the tub and walking out of view): Your are one party animal, Daria Morgendorffer.

Shot changes to Jane and Daria, from behind, vegging out on the floor of the living room. They are using the pillows off of the sofas as back rests and sitting on others. A gallon jug of milk and a pair of large glasses sit on one coffee table next to a mostly empty tub of cookie dough. The girls look very, very full.

On television, the Sick Sad World theme blares out. The screen shows a teenaged girl in a purple t-shirt making a submarine sandwich for a blond man (shown from behind) wearing surgical scrubs that have ‘EASTSIDE VETERINARY CLINIC stenciled on them.

SSW Announcer: When veterinarians and restaurant owners become partners, just don’t ask about the hush puppies. (A cat runs across the sub shop counter, perused by a nurse.) Or the chili! When Sick Sad World returns!

Daria reaches up with the remote and shuts off the television with the remote control. Shot switches p.o.v. to off to Dara’s left.

Jane: (lays her head back on the sofa and stairs at the ceiling) Bleah, there’s an image that I didn’t need.

Daria (looks over): Even after the giant radioactive crab ate the New Orleans restaurant?

Jane: Before or after he threw those two marines into the giant pot of gumbo?

Daria: >Urp< I may be sick.

Jane: Just so long as you’re recovered by Saturday night. (Jane lifts her head up and looks at Daria) You are still coming to the “Battle of the Bands,” tomorrow night, right?

Daria: Well, I suppose it would be a good way to recover from the Homecoming nightmares I’ve been having since last week. (looks at Jane) It would be a step up from being covered in blue and yellow paint.

Jane (chuckles): I still think that you should have come with. You looked cool!

Daria: Actually, I felt like a wad of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. (v/o as Daria frowns slightly) in more ways than one. (normal voice) Besides, you were with Tom.

Jane (sighs): That doesn’t mean that you weren’t welcome to come along. Just because I have a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m going to leave my Best Friend high and dry.

As Jane speaks, Quinn comes through the front door and heads for the living room.

Jane (continues): Which reminds me, what was that remark about a cape that Tom made? I asked him about it, but he wouldn’t say anything.

Daria: It’s ---

Quinn (spotting the tub of cookie dough): Uch, you two sat here and ate that whole thing? Do you know what that does to your skin? Never mind your waistline!

Daria (looking up at Quinn): What can we say? We’re just a couple of growing little girls.

Quinn (looks in the tub again and shakes her head): Gross! (Focuses on Daria and Jane) Look, you two can overdose on cookie dough if you want to, just make sure that you don’t do it here tomorrow, all right? The Fashion Club is coming over here and we’re going to have a big meeting on outfit coordination.

Daria: This wouldn’t also happen to coincide with the big “Boys Are Guys” retrospective on TV tomorrow, would it? Besides, I thought it was silk stockings.

Jane (hand over her mouth) >Urp!< Don’t mention...>Urp<....boy bands.

Quinn (giving Jane a briefly nauseated look.) Whatever. Look, Daria, just be someplace else tomorrow. (Starts walking off) Like another planet!

Both of the girls watch as Quinn heads off in the direction of the kitchen.

Jane (with a chuckle): Well, there’s your choice, Daria - Lounge around the house and listen to the Fashion Gestapo prattle on about pants, or head on out to Lawndale’s very own version of Woodstock and root for Trent and the boys of Mystik Spiral. You make the call!

Daria: Well.....

Jane: I promise, no Tom this time.

Daria (sighs): Oh all right. You owe me after that paint fiasco at homecoming, anyway.

Jane (thrusts her fist up in the air) :Yes! “Lawndale-stock” it is!

Suddenly, someone’s stomach makes a long, weird gurgling noise, sounding something like “fnurrrrrrrgle“. Both girls get wide eyed and look at each other.

Daria and Jane (pointing at each other and speaking simultaneously):That was you!

Scene ends and fades into montage of Fashion Club plotting in Mrs Bennett’s class. Music is chorus of “Fly Like An Eagle” by Seal

~~~{ Act II }~~~

Unloading the band.

Scene opens with a very wide shot of the field where “Lawndale-stock” is taking place. It is relatively early in the morning, as the steam from lots of coffee cups is evident. People of every description are unloading all sorts of instruments from vehicles of every description, make, model, and era. Central to the shot is a large split stage covered with amps, lights, and lots of exposed beams and girders. Off to the right of the stage is a bright orange trailer with the words STAGE MANAGER painted on it in white.

Shot switches to a right to left pan shot of various groups unloading various instruments from their vehicles. The first group passed is two teenaged boys wearing hellaciously loud colors (with hair to match) unloading a set of electronic drums from the back of a battered Gremlin. The next group is three well dressed preppies unloading a very sophisticated keyboard from the back of a moving van. The third group passed is two women (?) dressed in lots of leather and metallic studs, leaning against a minivan that is more at home in the shopping mall parking lot, tuning two guitars that resemble giant battle axes. (The sound is flat and quiet, as the guitars are not hooked to any amps.) Finally, the pan stops on The Tank and Trent’s car, where the girls are struggling with the base drum from Max’s set, trying to remove it from the back doors of The Tank. Max and Nick are removing various equipment from the side door, while Trent and Jesse are examining their guitars, which they are taking from the trunk of Trent’s car.

Jane (looking around): Madre de’ dios, there sure are a lot of people here!

Daria (giving Jane a “look“): Tell me again why we’re doing this? I thought Max and Nick were supposed to have this done by the time we got out here.

Jane: They had a mechanical breakdown on the way over, all right?

Daria (looks like she heard that one before): You mean they didn’t have enough money for gas.

Jane (shrugs): Same thing?

When Jane shrugs, they drop the drum and it lands with a “thomp” sound.

Max (off screen): Hey, man! Be careful, okay?

Daria: Sorry!

Jane and Daria look at the drum. This time Daria shrugs, and the two begin rolling it as if it were a tire, around to the front of the van. As they do this, the shot tightens in on Trent and Jesse, who are looking around at the several dozen bands that have shown up for the concert.

Trent (sounding slightly intimidated): Oh man, I didn’t think that there be this many bands out here.

Jesse: Me neither. You think we got a chance?

Trent (slipping on his guitar strap): I don’t know, man . . .

At this point, Daria and Jane come walking up from wherever they deposited Max’s drum.

Jane: You gentlemen look awfully intense. What gives?

Jesse: There’s an awful lot of bands here.

Trent: We weren’t expecting this kind of turnout.

Daria: And you’re feeling a little intimidated?

Trent (while Jesse nods): Uh . . .Yeah. That’s one way of putting it, I suppose.

Jane (trying to sound cheerful and confident): Hey c’mon! Where’s that Mystic Spiral spirit we’ve come to know and expect! You guys are gonna kick butt! (Takes Jesse by the arm) C’mon, Jesse, Nick needs help with the amps... (Adopts pseudo southern bell accent and bats her eyes) And Ah is just too, too delicate to carry those big speaker thingies all by my little lonesome!!

Jesse (caught flatfooted): Uh . . . Okay.

Trent and Daria turn and watch as Jane and Jesse walk away.

Daria: That girl needs help.

Trent (with a smirk): Big time.

Shot changes to center of stage, where a youngish executive type in a business shirt, loosened tie, sunglasses, and carrying a Styrofoam cup of something hot (coffee?) walks up to the one microphone stand. With his free hand, he taps the mic to see if it is on and is rewarded with a blast of feedback from the sound system, and a chorus of protests from the gathered bands.

Exec (chuckles): Sorry about that, everybody. Anyway, we need all of the bands that are here now to come and sign in at the stage manager’s trailer in fifteen minutes. Judging by the turnout we’re seeing at the moment, as well as the looks on most of your faces, there’s quite a few more entries out there than we were expecting. (Takes a sip from his cup) All that means is a longer show for the fans, and a little more work for us judges. Everybody still gets a three song set, and the order you get heard is the order that everyone gets signed in.

Shot changes back to Daria and Trent exchanging a glance at that, then back to the Exec.

Exec (continues): And if you think that hanging back to get signed in later is gong to help, it won’t. Any band not signed in by eleven a.m. will not be performing. (Another chorus of protests) Sorry kids, but them’s the rules, I don’t make ‘em up. Remember, signup starts in fifteen minutes and ends at eleven, so lets hustle. And let’s give everyone that shows up tonight a show that they’ll tell their grandkids about!

The Exec walks off the stage as the gathered bands cheer at the last statement. The shot cuts back to Trent and Daria. Daria is clapping, still wearing her deadpan expression, Trent has two fingers in his mouth and is whistling. As the cheers die down, the two of them start walking. They pass The Tank, with Jane slinging a set of cables over one shoulder and Jesse, and Nick struggling with a large amp.

Daria: Come on, we better get Mystik Spiral signed up before all of the good places are gone. (waves at Jane) Have fun, Janice*.

[*She’s referring to Janice Joplin]

Jane (shouting after Daria): You’re supposed to save the victory celebration for after the concert, Madonna!

Daria (blushes and frowns): Oh, go hurt yourself.

Jane laughs at Daria’s statement, knowing that she doesn’t mean it. Yet.

Trent: We don’t want to go too fast. If we’re on later, we’ll be fresher in the judges minds.

Daria: Oh, okay.

Trent is looking over the crowd of bands again, some of them heading in the same general direction that he and Daria are, others still working on instruments for the moment. Daria looks back and sees that Trent is starting to look worried again.

Daria (looking concerned): You okay?

Trent (distracted): Yeah . . . maybe . . . I don’t know.

Daria (v/o, as she looks at Trent with her eyes): If he goes on stage like this, he’s not going to do any good at all. There has to be a way to get his mind back on the right track. (sighs) Maybe this will work. Once again, I’m going to do something stupid for a guy. (Speaking) Listen, um, Trent, I doubt that I could go up on stage with you . . .

Trent (smiling): That would be cool. You and Jane know enough of our stuff, and backup singers wouldn’t hurt our chances any...

Daria (looks slightly panicked for a second): That’s not what I meant! (Softer) Remember, on Jane’s last birthday, you took me to Axl’s on Dega Street, and got my navel pierced? How you held my hand?

Trent (Different kind of smile this time): Yeah, I do.

Daria: Well, I’d kind of like to do the same for you..

Trent (raises an eyebrow): What do you mean?

Daria: Well . . . >gulp< ( with an “oh god, I can’t believe I’m saying this” look on her face) If you win, I’ll go back to Axl’s and get it pierced again. And I’ll . . . leave it in this time.

Trent (chuckle/cough): You don’t have to do that.

Daria (with that look she gets around Trent): I know. I . . . I think I want to, this time.

Trent (Putting his hand around Daria’s shoulders): Daria, you’re the coolest.

Daria blushes fiercely at that, and Trent looks at her with a slight smile on his face. Shot changes to one of Trent and Daria walking away from the camera’s p.o.v. and showing the gathering at the stage managers trailer.

Trent (teasing): You’re not getting that rash again, are you?

Daria (shaking her head): Dammit! I am gonna kill Jane for telling you about that!

Quinn’s party kicks off.

Scene opens with a wide exterior shot of the Morgendorffer home. It is mid- to late afternoon. Sandi’s yellow convertible (from Road Worrier) sits in the driveway. Scene cuts to a shot of the living room, where the Fashion Club is preparing it for the party of the weekend. The sofas have been pushed back out of the way, and a few bands of streamers are hanging from various parts of the room and banister. Stacy and Tiffany are organizing a sizeable pile of CDs on a table next to the sound system, Quinn is putting drinks in to a large tub filled with crushed ice, and Sandi is standing in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips, looking imperious.

Sandi (looking things over): Well, Quinn, I must say...you have done rather impressively for using so little. I didn’t know that the “minimalist party look” was still in this season.

Quinn (still pushing bottles into the ice): For get looks, Sandi, try common sense. After what happened last time, I’ve got to be a little more discreet about what kind of decoration I put up for parties. (Looks up and groans in disgust) I was carrying out garbage all night. Ugh (shudders)

Shot changes to medium shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Tiffany is still sorting as the scene continues.

Stacy (Shudders): Eww! All I remember is being trapped in the “Make out closet” with Upchuck!

Tiffany (looking at the back of a CD): Well, it waaaaaasss Truuuth or Darrrrreee.

Sandi (smirking): And you had had how many shots?

Stacy (apprehensive): Well...

Shot changed to one close up of Sandi with the POV so that Quinn is seen over her shoulder. Quinn turns around and looks at Sandi with her hands on her hips.

Quinn (with a knowing smirk): As I recall, she wasn’t the only one lost in her shots that night.

Sandi (turn to Quinn, shocked): What?! I am always in complete control!

Quinn (Now with an evil, knowing smirk): Now, just exactly whose bra was it that my Dad had to untangle from the chandelier, hmm?

Sandi (Sticks her chin up in the air) :You’ll never prove it!

At that moment, the door bell rings. >Bing bong!<

Quinn: (v/o as she starts walking to the door) You want to make a bet? (Turns back to the girls as she walks, and switches to a cheerful tone) Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Sandi (to herself): What is this, a ‘Fantasy Island’ re-run?

Shot changes to a shot of the front door and Quinn walking up and opening said door. (Start background music - Pink; Get the party started) Outside are the Three J’s, Kevin, Brittany, several other football players, including Robert and Evan, and the rest of the cheer leaders, as well as a few other various students.

Quinn: Come on in, everyone!

With that, the kids of Lawndale begin to flood the Morgendorffer home. Quinn is surprised when Mack and Jodie turn up at the end of the line of kids entering the house.

Quinn (genuinely surprised): Mack! Jodie! I didn’t expect to see you two here!

Mack (shutting the door behind him): Well, Jodie was starting to look like she needed a break from the extracurriculars, so I kidnapped her on her way to the congressman’s office.

Jodie (gives Mack a look): It wasn’t quite like that. It was a slow night, so I begged out.

Mack (shrugs): Hey, you were getting too close to burning out. You’ve gotta relax once in a while.

Jodie: I don’t know...I just worry about how I’m going to explain this to my parents.

Mack: We’ll worry about that later, all right?

Jodie: Well....

Quinn: Mack’s right, Jodie. You’ll kill yourself with all that extra stuff (Starts making “shoo” motions with her hands) Go! Dance! Have fun!

Mack and Jodie smile a little at Quinn as they walk off. Quinn starts to walk in join the party when the doorbell goes >bing bong< again!

Quinn (opening the door) Hhiiiiii!!!

The door opens to reveal Upchuck in his red smoking jacket.

Quinn: Ew.

Upchuck: Rrrrowwwrrrrr. Would your seductress sister happen to be attending this day’s proceedings, hmmmmmmm?

Quinn slams the door in his face and heads for the party without a glance backward.

Upchuck (heard through door): Feisty!!!

Scene changes POV to a shot of the living room from to an angle higher above the milling group of kids. Several of them have began dancing. Quinn can be seen walking into the dance floor, snagging one of the Three J’s along the way (it doesn’t matter which one, because the other two follow) and joins the dancers. Scene fades as Quinn starts to “shake her thang!”

A Surprise at “Lawndale-stock”

Scene opens with another wide shot of the “Lawndale-stock” field, at bout the same time as the beginning of Quinn’s party, mid to late afternoon. This time, there aren’t so many vehicles, as they are parked relatively neatly off to the left of the shot. Stage hands are sitting up rows of chairs ahead of the stage. A partial crowd has gathered and several judges are sitting at tables partway back from the stage, making notes on clipboards. The participating bands are sitting in lines on either side of the stage, checking instruments in preparation for going on.

On one side stage, the two women (?) with the battle ax guitars are performing with two other women (?), one on drums, the other with a guitar / keyboard combination. The band is rather badly blasting their way through a cover version of something of Lita Ford’s. On the other, another band is setting up for their set.

Off to one side, and a fair distance from the stage, Trent, Jane, Daria, and company, are watching the proceedings on the stage as they check their instruments for the umpteenth time. Daria is holding a couple of sheets of paper as she watches the performance onstage. From the direction they are looking, they are in the line off to the left of the stage.

Jane (looking somewhat exasperated): Just exactly how many bands are still ahead of us?

Daria (consults list): About ten or twelve.

Jane: And there’s how many band’s total?

Daria: Forty-two.

Jesse (worried and surprised): Forty two?? Oh wow!

Jane (puts her hands on top of her head and shakes her head resignedly): I had no idea that there were that many bands in the state!

Daria (holding the sheets in both hands and looking between them): Well, according to this, they came from allover the tri-state area. (reading from sheets) Oakwood, Leeville, Brentwood. There’s even a couple here from St. Louis and one from Boston.

Trent (both eyebrows go up): Boston? Oh man! We don’t stand a chance against big city bands like that!

Daria (looks up): I wouldn’t be too worried. The band playing now is one of the one’s from St. Louis. (looks at list) “The Leather Valkyries,” according to this.

Jane (smirking): The Leather Strangled Cats, you mean. I’ve never been much of a Lita Ford fan, but these chicks are bad!

Daria: No worse than those guys who did the techno version of “Bohemian Rhapsody” a couple of hours ago.

Trent (shudders): Eww, tell me about it. If Freddy Mercury wasn’t already dead, that would have killed him for sure!

Jane: I thought I heard someone turning over in their grave. (Puts arms down and turns to Trent) Maybe you guys ought to try and get some rest. The way things have been going, it could be about four hours before you’re up. You don’t want to be sleeping on stage, later, do you?

Trent: Well. I suppose we ought to at least try and relax, but it won’t be easy.

Jesse: We could figure out what were going to play.

Trent (Smacks forehead): Aw, Hell! I knew we were forgetting something!

Daria and Jane exchange a You’ve-got-to-be-kidding-me! look, and then they both turn on Trent, who flinches under their glare. (Poor guy!)

Jane (angry): Why didn’t you get that figured out before you came here this morning!?

Trent (defensively): We’ve been practicing everything that we know for the past two weeks almost non-stop! We figured that we’d decide once we got up on stage. I didn’t think it was going to be anything like this!

Jane (sarcastically): Well, guess what...

Daria (looking from person to person as she speaks): Hold it. There’s no time to get into recriminations now. Jane, go and get their music binder out of the van and we’ll pick out the songs that the band will play.

Jane (as she leaves): Check.

Daria (continuing): Guys, the way things have been going, you probably have about three or four hours to work out the last minute kinks in whatever you’re going to play, so you don’t have any time for creative differences, or whatever it is that you decide to call it. If you can’t work it out fast, at least for the short term, then play something different. All right?

Trent, Jesse, Max, and Nick (muttering and nodding): Yeah. All right. You got it.

Nick: Man, Daria, you sound like a manager.

Daria (as Jane returns): No thanks, I’m too young for children.

The band all gets a chuckle out of that, and at Jane’s confused expression at hearing the last line.

Jane (holds out the binder, while looking very confused): Here’s your lyrics book. Now someone tell me what the hell I just walked into the middle of.

Trent: Later. (Takes the book) All right, guys. Let’s do this.

Jesse, Max, and Nick: Yeah!!!!!!

Begin Montage Sequence with BG music

Cut to Daria looking at her watch - time is 420 pm.
Cut to another band performing on stage
Cut to Trent looking worried as the band sits by their equipment, consulting their binder.
Cut to Jane checking her watch - time is 510 pm.
Cut to the punk band that had the Gremlin performing onstage.
Cut to Jesse and Max as they practice - Max is using his sticks on his knees and Jesse’s guitar isn’t connected.
Cut to Trent checking his watch - time is 630 pm.
Cut to the three well dressed preppies on stage.
Cut to Trent and Nick consulting the binder and playing their guitars (unplugged, obviously.)
Cut to Jane and Daria checking Daria’s watch - time is 705pm - and exchanging unsure looks.
Cut to another band hammering out a song on stage.
Cut to all of Mystik Spyral - sitting on the grass and practicing with determined looks on their faces.

Montage and BG music ends as Trent nods once, looking confident, determined, and ready for anything.

Trent: We’re as ready as we’re going to get. Let’s win this thing!

Trent puts his hand out in the center of the group. Max, Nick, and Jesse put their hands in as well. Trent shoots a look to Jane and Daria, who looks skeptical. After a beat, first Jane and then Daria walk over. POV changes to above the group’s hands. First Jane reaches in and puts her hand on top of Jesse’s, then Daria reaches in and puts her hand on top of Jane’s

Jane: Mystik Spiral rules!

Everyone: (Marine style) Oo-RAH!!!!

POV shifts back as the six break their grips. The Exec from earlier comes walking up. He’s carrying his clipboard in one hand, his coffee in the other, his sunglasses are hooked on his shirt pocket, and his tie is missing.

Exec (consults his clipboard): You folks Mystik Spiral?

Trent (confident): Yes, sir. That’s us.

Exec: You’re just about up. The stage hands will help switch drum sets and get you hooked into the amp systems as soon as these kids are finished. (turning to leave) Good Luck, everyone.

As the Exec walks off, two stage hands - one African American, the other Caucasian (bald and a goatee) - come walking up. Both are wearing bright green, but rather dirty, coveralls.

Black Stage Hand: You kids about ready to rock and roll?

Jane: You bloody bet!

Black Stage Hand: All right! Let’s get you moved up to the stairs.

Trent: You got it. (Looks at the others) Everyone grab some gear.

All eight of them mill around for a moment, all talking at once and grabbing instruments, drums, cables, etc., and walking toward the stage in one’s and twos, carrying something.

Cut to Daria and Jane walking with some stuff. Jane has amp cables slung over her shoulder and is carrying the hi-hat cymbal in one hand and the snare in the other. Daria has the other two drums (from above the base) in her hands and about a dozen drum sticks under her arm.

Daria: You know, Jane, that this isn’t exactly what we signed on for. We just came to support the band, but instead we get drafted into being Mystik Spiral’s roadies.

Jane: Hey, don’t worry about it, amiga! I’ve got an “in” with the band leader. Just say the word and we could be promoted to Fly Girls in no time!

Daria (glaring): Watch how you use that word “fly.” That stage is pretty high up there.

Jane (a little hurt): Hey, come on, Daria. I was only joking.

Daria: I know. (sighs and looking apologetic) I’m just nervous for Trent and the guys. I know how much this means to them. I’d just hate to see them disappointed.

Jane: Me too, Daria. But don’t worry, we’re not the ones that have to go up there. They’re going to do just fine. You’ll see.

Daria and Jane put the stuff that they are carrying down with the rest of the band’s instruments. The rest of the band start sorting while Trent, Daria, and Jane converse with the Caucasian stage hand. They have to shout to be heard over the band that is playing.

White Stage Hand: These kids ought to be done in a couple of minutes. When they’re done, we’ll be hauling their stuff down at the same time yours is going up!

Trent: Got it!

Trent goes to help the band as Daria and Jane look over the crowd that has formed over the course of the day. Daria crosses her arms and settles back to wait as Jane puts her hands in her pockets and leans against the stairs as she looks around.

Shot cuts to a head and shoulders close up of Jane as her gaze pans from (her) right to left as she looks over the crowd with a critical eye. She looks all the way over to the other side of the stage. Suddenly, her face lights up as she sees someone she recognizes.

Shot changes to Jane’s POV of the opposite side of the stage, where various other bands are standing and checking their instruments. Next to the opposite stairs, conversing with a relatively normally designed group is Tom Slone. Shot fast-zooms in tight on Tom as the man he is talking to turns around, revealing a pony tail tied with a leather string.

Shot changes back to Jane and Daria as Jane stands up and takes her hands out of her pockets.

Jane (puts hand on Daria’s shoulder as she speaks): Hey! Look who‘s here!

Daria (looks at Jane, and then around): Huh? Who‘s where?

Jane (points): Over there. It’s Tom!

Daria looks where Jane is pointing. Shot changes to Daria’s POV, starts wide, then fast-zooms in of Tom as the man with the tail turns back to him. They see Tom talking, but obviously hear nothing.

Shot returns to Daria and Jane, standing as they were when Jane pointed out Tom. Daria glares in Tom’s direction for a moment before turning slightly to Jane. Daria manages to hide her glare, but her tone of voice makes it obvious she is not happy.

Daria (flat and angry): What’s he doing here? I didn’t know that he was in a band.

Jane (missing Daria’s tone): He isn’t. At least, I didn’t think that he was! I’m going to go and find out!

Jane runs off screen as the shot pans slightly to the left and Trent walks up to Daria, who looks after. He looks after Jane and then turns to look at Daria. Trent obviously missed Tom

Trent: Where’s she going? We need to get set up in a minute.

Suddenly, the band that’s playing finishes and the crowd that’s gathered cheers and applauds, though it is scattered. The two stage hands are seen behind Trent and Daria, taking the stairs two at a time on the way up. Trent watches the stage hands, then turn his attention back to the band.

Trent (walking o.s.): Daria, you want to go and grab Janey? We need all the hands we can get!

Daria just stands there for a moment, glaring in Jane and Tom’s direction with a really angry (okay, seriously pissed off) look on her face. Then she whirls around and stalks o.s. after Trent.

Scene ends and fades into split montage of Trent smacking his forehead on left and high angle shot of Quinn’s party on right. Chorus of Joan Jett’s “I love Rock and Roll” plays.

~~~{ Act III }~~~

Quinn’s party starts to go sour

Scene opens with usual wide establishing shot of the Morgendorffer homestead - however, there are several major differences. Besides Sandi’s convertible, there are now nearly a dozen vehicles parked out front of the house, and Kevin’s jeep is even halfway up on the lawn, and another is partway into the hedge by the driveway. Several kids can be seen throwing a Frisbee and a football around, and a couple that look suspiciously like Kevin and Brittany are seen sneaking around the corner of the garage. Loud dance music continues to play throughout (Apollo 440 - Can’t stop the rock)

Scene changes to interior of living room. Several couples are dancing in the living room and about half of them have a drink of some sort. In the background of the dancers, Tiffany, Sandy, Evan and Robert are sitting on one of the sofas. Shot zooms in as Robert and Evan exchange a nod and Evan pulls a large water bottle with some kind of apple/berry logo in it out of his duffel bag and pours a large dose of what’s in it into the girls’ glasses.

Shot changes to one with the four in the foreground and Quinn and Stacy in the background in the entrance to the kitchen. Each has their own drinks of something decidedly more benign. Stacy notices the others and points them out to Quinn as she takes a sip from her own drink.

Stacy: Quinn, look!

Quinn turns her head to see the goings on with Tiffany, Sandi, et al.

Quinn (frowns slightly): Oh no. Trust Sandi to hook up with the guys with the bottle.

Stacy: Yeah, I know. (beat) But, she’s President of the Fashion Club. Isn’t that, I don’t know, a rule or something?

Quinn (eyeing Sandi): Hmmm. C’mon, Stacy.

Quinn walks over to where Sandi and Tiffany are seated with the other two boys, Stacy in tow and looking nervous. Quinn comes up behind Sandi and Robert, pointedly leaning in between the two.

Quinn: Hhiii, Robert, Sandi. How are you guys enjoying the party?

Sandi (haughty): Kuh-winn, I was just telling Rrrrobert here that your choice of liquid refreshments was becoming, shall we say, a little flat? He and Evan were kind enough to offer something a little more sophisticated.

Quinn (raises and eyebrow at Sandi): Really...

Sandi: Yes. Really.

Tiffany eyes the drink that Evan poured her.

Tiffany (sniffs her drink): Whaaatttss iiinnn iiitt?

Evan (chuckles): A little of this, a little of that, a lot of dreams. Mix in a little fruit juice and it all goes down nice and smooth.

Tiffany: Oh, ookaaaayyy.

Tiffany puts on a brave face and takes a very deliberate pull off of her drink. Almost immediately, her eyes go wide and her hand shoots up to her mouth as she forces herself to swallow the obviously vile concoction. She places her hand on her chest and starts coughing furiously. Sandi and the two boys start chuckling.

Tiffany (coughing): Yeee >cough cough<aaahhh, ssmmoo>cough<ooth.

Sandi smirks at Tiffany in that superior way she has. Sandy looks at Tiffany, somewhat concerned, and Quinn looks at her with some curiosity.

Sandi: Really, Tiffany, dear. That is so unladylike.

Sandi then takes a hefty drink from her own glass. Her eyes go wide as she gets a decent taste of the mixture, but she doesn’t react beyond that, and swallows hard a couple of times.

Sandi (hoarsely): Wow! (clears throat) It’s, like, a little strong, but not bad. (shoots a look at Quinn) Care to try some, Quinn?

Evan: Yeah Quinn, have some!

Quinn (being slightly coy about it): Ohh, I don’t know, I’m really not much of a drinker, Evan.

Sandi (under her breath): Suuurrree you’re aren’t.

Quinn heard that and shoots Sandi a dirty look, but keeps her coy tone.

Quinn: Just a little bit, please.

Stacy (nervously, as she steps forward): Me too, please.

As Evan pours, Kevin and Brittany come walking up to the group. Brittany has a slightly glazed look to her eyes.

Kevin: Dude! Hey, you brought it!

Evan: Of course! Can’t let a party go by without breaking out some of the good stuff!

Kevin: All riiiight! (Knocks back the rest of his drink, then holds out his plastic cup) Hit me, dude!

Shot changes POV to Quinn and Stacy’s side of the sofa. As Evan pours, Quinn straightens up and regards her glass for a moment before starting to take a sip. Stacy smells her drink, then stops Quinn, and is looking a little more nervous than normal.

Stacy: I don’t know about this, Quinn. This stuff is rank.

Behind Stacy and Quinn, Kevin has started chugging down his drink.

Evan: You want some, Brittany?

Brittany (slightly slurred, but still perky): No thanks, I’ve got some of what Brandon brought with him.

Kevin (finishing his drink loudly): Paaaahhhh! (holds out his cup to Evan) Hit me again, dude! (looks momentarily concerned) You bring enough?

Evan: Don’t I always? (starts pouring again)

Quinn and Stacy have been watching the exchange, then turn back to each other.

Stacy: I really don’t know about this!

Quinn: Oh, come on, Stacy!. How bad could it be?

Quinn lifts her glass to her mouth again, wincing slightly at the smell as she takes a drink. Almost as soon as she gets a decent taste of what she was given, her eyes get wide as well. She grabs her throat with her free hand and manages to choke down the small sip that she has taken. Stacy has wisely chosen not to try her drink at all after seeing the effect on Tiffany and Quinn. Quinn coughs a couple of times as she glares at the offending libation.

Quinn: Eeewwwww!! Yuck!! This stuff is gross! (looks at Stacy) Well, you did warn me. Didn’t you try yours?

Stacy Um . . .No, I didn’t.

Quinn: Why not?

Stacy: Because I tried it at the last party Robert and Evan brought this stuff too. (a little embarrassed) Remember when I threw up in the bushes?

Quinn (looking to the side, trying to remember): You mean the time we saw Sandi showing her . . .

Stacy (nodding): . . . To those football players from Oakwood. Uh - huh.

Quinn gets a thoughtful expression on her face that turns into a rather evil smirk.

Quinn: Come on, Stacy. Let’s go and get something that doesn’t taste like gasoline smells.

The two turn and begin to walk towards the stairs, and the shot pans to follow them.

Quinn (con’t): And while we’re at it, we’ll see if we can find my dad’s camcorder too...

Pan continues to follow them until Quinn and Stacy pass by Mack and Jodie, who are leaning against the wall next to the staircase. Both look tired, but happy.

Jodie: You know, Mack, you were right. I did need to take some time out to relax. I feel a lot better.

Mack: See, I keep telling you that you need to take time out from all those extracurriculars and enjoy life a little. And what do you know, it seems I was right!

Jodie (chuckles): Don’t sprain your shoulder patting yourself on the back. The football team would never recover.

Mack (chuckles also): Don’t worry. I never pat myself on the back with the same arm I pass with. That way, I’m able to do both.

Mack and Jodie have a good laugh at that as Mack glances around the room. He spots Kevin, Sandi, et. al, with their drinking, and he stops laughing. Mack’s face turns into a frown.

Mack (disgusted): Oh man.

Jodie: What? What is it?

Mack: Those guys over there (Mack nods in the drinkers’ direction). You’d think that those guys could leave that stuff alone for one night and just plain have fun!

Jodie looks in the same direction Mack is and sees the group.

Jodie (flatly): Let me guess. That stuff is spiked.

Mack: Oh, it’s spiked all right. It’s mostly Texas Everclear mixed with some kind of apple / berry juice.

Jodie gives Mack a strange look. Mack notices, and looks a little embarrassed.

Mack (off Jodie’s look): I broke down and tried it once, okay?

Both of them hold the look for a moment before they both get a case of the giggles, and the tension is broken.

Mack: Do you want to get out of here?

Jodie: Yeah. I’m going to say ‘goodbye’ to Quinn first. She is our hostess, after all.

Mack: Okay. (Straightens up from wall) I’m going to go make sure that Evan and Kevin don’t kill somebody.

Jodie (also straightens up and follows Mack o/s): How are you going to do that?

Mack (leaving screen): Swipe their distributor cables.

Jodie (giggles): Good plan!

Jane and Tom hook up at the concert

Establishing shot of Mystic Spiral’s side of the stage as they finish up their set with “Mister Normal” (from “Jane’s Addition”). Daria is sitting in the first row on the M.S. side of the stage, tapping her foot along with the music and observing the audience. The audience seems to really be getting into their music.

Daria occasionally shoots a look towards the opposite side of the stage, where Tom and Jane have gotten a couple of seats in the second row and are talking. They are leaning in and talking loudly, occasionally gesturing, but are unheard due to the music. Whenever Jane or Tom look in her direction, Daria manages to be looking at the band or at something else entirely.

The camera angle changes to a shot of Daria’s right profile.

Daria: (v/o in stern voice): Dammit, what is Tom doing here?

Camera angle changes to a shot of Daria‘s left profile, zooms in slightly.

Daria (v/o calm voice) You know that Jane wouldn’t have talked you into coming out here if she knew that Tom would be here.

Back to right profile, zooms in a little more.

Daria (v/o, stern) If she hadn’t gone running over there the second that she spotted him, he probably wouldn’t have noticed that we were here at all!

Back to left profile, zooms in a little more.

Daria (v/o, calm): Actually, he would probably have determined that one or both of us was here when Trent and the others took the stage.

Back to right profile, zooms in a little more.

Daria (v/o, stern): Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean that she had to go running off with him - again!

Back to left profile, zooms in a little more.

Daria (v/o calm) True, but if I know Jane, she’ll be back.

Back to right profile, finishes zooming in to end with a nice close up.

Daria (v/o, stern, frowns slightly): Hmph. It still stinks.

Shot changes to medium of Daria sitting and watching the band, but from above and behind her p.o.v. As Mystic Spiral starts to do the few lines that we know of Mister Normal (the ones they actually sang in JA), Jane comes on screen from Daria’s right, working her way down the second row. She gets Daria’s attention by putting a hand on her shoulder. They have to talk loudly to be heard over the band.

Trent and Jesse (singing): Who shot the hippies? Who locked them in a zoo? Who gagged the beatniks? Who filled their mouths with glue? Who crushed the bohos? Who turned their work to poo? Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!

Jane: Hey Daria! I told you that they had been practicing. Sound pretty good, don’t they?

Daria (glances back): Yeah, they’ve definitely improved.

Trent and Jessie (singing): Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you!

The band finishes the last of their song and a cheer rises up from the crowd. Shot changes to a wide shot of the Mystik Spiral, and they seem to be a little surprised at how good the reaction of the crowd is. Trent steps back up to the mic.

Trent (jazzed at the crowds reaction): Yeah! We’re Mystic Spiral. If you liked what you heard tonight, come see us at the Zon next weekend for more. Thank you!

The crowd cheers again as a lady in a red T-shirt and jeans comes up to the mic and the stage hands start in on the instruments, with the band’s help. Shot changes back to Daria and Jane as the lady starts announcing the next group.

Jane (looking at the crowd): Dang, I’ll bet Trent wasn’t expecting this.

Daria: Probably not.

About this point, Jane notices that Daria hasn’t looked her in the eye since she sat down. Jane climbs over the back of the chair in front of her and sits down next to Daria.

Daria (deadpan): Is this where you tell me you’ll be back for the second set again?

Jane: What?

Daria: Did you ever find out what Tom was doing here since he’s not in a band?

Jane: (v/o) That’s not what you said. (speaks) Yeah, I did. Turns out that Tom’s mom and the bass player’s mom are friends. She co-signed a loan that got them a lot of their instruments and stuff. Tom drew the short straw and got to come out and see how they were doing.

Daria (deadpan): I see.

Jane: Yeah, uh-huh. So, what’s really the matter?

Daria: Nothing.

Jane: C’mon, Daria. You haven’t looked at me for more than a tenth of a second since I sat down. What’s up?

Daria turns and looks right at Jane. Her face is set hard as she tries to maintain her usual deadpan expression. Jane, however, sees right through it.

Daria: Is this better?

Jane: I knew it. You’re angry about something. What is it, amiga?

Daria: Did you tell Tom that we were going to be here?

Jane: What!?

Daria: I said ‘Did you -’

Jane: I heard you the first time! What made you think that I would’ve told Tom that we were coming here?

Daria: Yesterday, you promised me that he wouldn’t be here, and the next thing that I know you’re disappearing with him again!

Jane: What do you mean “again?”

Daria (ignoring Jane’s question): We were supposed to be here to support your brother, but instead you go traipsing off with (snide) ‘Young Thomas’ (normal) again, just when somebody needs you.

Jane (Where the hell did this come from?): Whoa, Daria, slow down! They didn’t need any help getting the band’s stuff up on stage. With the stage hands’ help, they got all that up there a lot quicker than they would have with you and me helping.

Daria (openly angry): Dammit, Jane, that’s not what I’m talking about at all!!

Jane (defensive): Well, then I wish you’d bring me up to date, because I’m just a little lost here! Just what, specifically, are you talking about?

Daria looks caught. She’s gone off on a tear without really thinking about why, and that’s a first for her. Jane is glaring at Daria, not about to let her off the hook.

Daria (recovering): I’m talking about how it was supposed to be just you and me today! First I get doused in blue and yellow paint at that stupid parade and have to spend half the night in the shower trying to get that crap out of my hair! Then I get dragged off to that stupid business symposium with my dad, only there I get pulled out of bed before the crack of dawn to watch him fly a balloon into a tree! And finally, just when I thought that this week was starting to improve, your boyfriend has to show up here and screw everything up!

Cut to close up of Jane as she looks at Daria, side eyed at her friend’s outburst. He disbelief slowly changes to understanding as the light dawns.

Jane: I don’t believe it -- You’re jealous!

Daria: What?!

Cut back to previous medium shot of Daria and Jane.

Jane (not backing down): You practically spelled it out for me just now! You’re jealous of me and Tom.

Daria (defensively): You’re insane! I am not remotely jealous of you and Tom!

Jane (crosses her arms): Well, then I’d like to see you come up with a better explanation.

Daria stammers for a second, then is “rescued” by Trent, who comes into the frame. He looks like he’s been through the ringer, but has a smile a yard wide and looks willing to go through it again in a heartbeat.

Trent (out of breath): Janey! Daria! Did you hear that? I can’t believe --

Daria stands up and cuts Trent off.

Daria: Trent, I need to get out of here. Now. Would you give me a ride home?

Trent (really confused): Huh?

Jane: Daria, you don’t need to --

Daria shoots Jane a dirty look and then turns back to Trent.

Daria: Trent, I really need to get out of here right now. You can be there and back before they announce the winners. (She starts to walk out of the shot) Please don’t make me have to hitch a ride.

Trent watches Daria walk off, then turns back to Jane. Trent still looks really confused.

Trent (points after Daria with a thumb): Jane, what’s going on?

Jane (looking lost): As soon as somebody explains it to me, I’ll explain it to you. Meantime, you’d better give her a ride home before she hooks up with some nut-job and ends up in a ditch someplace.

Trent (looking after Daria): Yeah, maybe I’d better.

Trent walks off after Daria.. The shot then zooms in slightly on Jane, who hooks her arms over the back of the chairs on either side of her and slouches down a little in her own. She looks at the toes of her boots and shakes her head slightly, a small, sad smile forming.

Scene fades to split of Evan pouring drinks, and the overhead of Mystik Spiral and company’s hands. Music is opening of Phil Colins’ “Land of Confusion.”

~~~{ Act IV }~~~

Daria crashes Quinn’s party

Scene opens with a wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, and the party is in full swing. The ongoing Frisbee game on the front lawn has gone into part of the hedge next to the living room windows. Kids are still milling about, and one student, (the blonde girl identified as the “Burnout Chick” on MTV’s website) is leaning on the tree in the yard, smoking a cigarette.

Trent’s car pulls into the shot and double parks next to Kevin’s red jeep. The scene changed to a medium shot of Daria and Trent in the car. Both of them are eyeing the goings on -- Daria with an angry disdain, Trent with a mild degree of curiosity.

Trent: You sister’s having a party?

Daria doesn’t bother to answer, she just opens the car door and gets out. Trent winces as she slams the door hard, shaking the car. Trent immediately looks worried.

Trent: Whoa. Not good. (Shakes his head) Not good at all.

Shot changes and follows Daria walking up to her. The “Burnout Chick” is passed in the foreground of the shot, walking Daria walk by. The camera briefly pans to her a she gets an “uh-oh” look on her face and starts to get up.

Shot changes again to the interior of the Morgendorffer living room, the high angle shot. Students are milling around, dancing, sitting on the couches, and drinking things ranging from benign sodas to the more explosive libation that Robert and Evan have brought with them.

Suddenly, the door burst open to reveal Daria, nearly hitting a couple of hapless kids leaning on the wall next to the front door. Camera zooms in on the doorway to reveal a positively livid Daria looking over the crowd.

Daria (angry) : Well, if this isn’t just freakin’ fantastic. If Mom and Dad don’t skin Quinn alive for this fiasco, I just might.

Daria spots someone in the living room and walks in. The shot changes to one of Tiffany, sitting on one of the sofas that has been pushed off to the side. She has a drink in her hand and is staring off into space, looking even blanker than she usually does (if that’s possible).

Daria walks up to her and stands right in front of her, glaring.

Daria (angry): Tiffany, where’s Quinn?

Tiffany just looks off into space for a second or two, then slowly looks up at Daria.

Tiffany (slurring): Hhhhhuuuhhhhh?

Daria (shakes her head): You’re plastered. (louder) Quinn! The idiot that’s hosting this mess. Where is she?

Tiffany just looks at Daria, a slight smile forming on her face.

Tiffany (slurring): Whooaa, coooooooolll. Thereee’sss, llliiikeee . . . sssiiixx offf youuu.

Daria (rolls her eyes): Oh, for the love of --

At that moment, Robert collides with Daria from behind.

Daria (sharply): Watch it, you clumsy ox!

Robert: Whoa, sorry >hic< there ma’am. Didn’t see you there.

Daria: Where’s Quinn?

Robert: I think she went upstairs, or something >hic< (looks thoughtful) Don’t I know you from someplace? Isn’t your name Debbie or Darlene or something?

Daria (snorts): Faugh.

Daria storms off, leaving Robert and Tiffany in her wake.

Robert (after Daria): Hey, I know! >hic< It’s Darci, right?

Tiffany: Wwhhoooo?

Shot changes to Daria heading down the upstairs hall, just as Quinn and Stacy come out of her room. Quinn is carrying her fathers video camera and is experimentally shooting some video. Needless to say, Quinn looks rather perturbed that Daria has shown up.

Quinn: I think I’ve got this figured --(Sees Daria) Eep! What are you doing here?!

Daria: I live here, remember? Despite your continuous denials of that fact.

Stacy: She does?

Quinn (to Stacy): I’ve explained all of that before, Stacy. (To Daria) That still doesn’t explain why you’re back so early.

Daria turns and heads in the direction of her room. Camera angle changes to behind Quinn and over her shoulder.

Daria (over her shoulder): I left the concert early, not that it’s any of your business. (Turns around as she gets to her door) When is this thing supposed to be over?

Quinn (shrugs): I dunno. When everybody gets tired, I guess.

Daria (glares): Make sure they get tired. Fast. Or I promise that you will live to regret it for a long time to come. (Grabs the door knob, then looks back at Quinn) Oh, and you might want to think about cutting Tiffany off from whatever she’s drinking. She’s pickled.

Daria looks at her door as she suddenly hears a familiar giggle, followed by muffled moans emanating from behind the door to her room. It takes Daria about a second and a half to realize what those sounds are. When she does, she spears Quinn on a positively homicidal glare.

Daria (Oh, boy is she pissed!): They’re using my bedroom for a make-out room!!??!?

Daria doesn’t even wait for Quinn to respond, but just shoves the door to her room open and charges in. The moans are immediately replaced by sounds of surprise and a couple of muffled thuds.

Sandi (o/s, slurred): Hey! What the hell --??

Evan (o/s, also slurred): Hey -- Ow! That hurt!

Evan is the first out of the room, definitely not in control of his exit, and lands on his hands and knees in the hall, all the while trying to pull his pants up. Sandi is next, backing out of the room, stumbling, obviously shoved, and holding her shirt in front of her chest to cover herself. She’s also wearing the spiked dog collar that is usually on Daria’s floor around her throat.

Shot cuts to the opposite of side of Sandi, with her in the foreground from just below the shoulders up. Sandi looks into Daria’s room in disbelief. After a second, Daria’s arm reaches out of the still open door and she grabs the collar in her fist, avoiding the spikes. With a yank, Daria pulls the collar off of Sandi’s neck, but one of the spikes catches on Sandi’s shirt, and it is pulled out of her hands and into Daria’s room. Then, the door slams, causing Sandi to flinch backward and trip over Evan, dropping out of the shot.

Sandi: Whoa!!

Evan (o/s): Ouch!! Dammit, watch it!

In the background, Stacy is looking rather panicked while Quinn is quite happily unnoticed and shooting video of the whole thing.

Scene cuts to the inside of Daria’s room, where she is leaning against the door, breathing heavily. The dog collar, with Sandi’s shirt hanging from a spike, is clenched in her right hand. She looks over at her bed as the shot zooms out to take in the rest of the room. There’s an unfamiliar (to Daria, anyway) duffel bag sitting on the floor by her bed.

Daria: Dammit, I liked that bed. Now I’m going to have to burn it.

Daria notices the duffel bag and goes over to the duffel bag, and the camera shot changes to a medium shot of Daria kneeling down and opening the bag. Inside are four large plastic bottles with an apple / berry logo in them, and there is a fifth on the floor, partially full, beside it that can now be seen.

Daria takes the bottle that is on the floor and unscrews the cap. Eyeing the bottle, she takes a cautious sniff of the contents.

Daria (v/o): Phew! Last time I smelled something like this was back in Highland, when someone got Dad plastered on Everclear.

Daria’s eyes widen slightly as she realizes the connection she’s just made. The camera follows Daria as she stands up and sits on the edge of her bed, looking intently at the bottle in her hand.

Daria Discovered

Daytime exterior wide shot of the front of the Morgendorffer house. Kevin Thompson‘s red jeep is sitting partway on the lawn, where it was abandoned with the hood up (Mack had indeed taken his distributor cables). Trent’s battered car pulls into the empty driveway and stops with a screech and a backfire. Jane gets out of the driver’s side, jogs to the door and rings the bell.

Scene changes to an interior shot across living room looking at front door. It looks decidedly cleaner than it was several hours ago, the sofas have been moved back into their usual positions and Quinn is on the couch at left. Doorbell rings a second time, and Quinn gives the door a dirty look as she tosses her fashion magazine aside.

Quinn: (grumbling to herself) Oh, all right. (Louder) Just a second!

Door bell rings again as Quinn gets up and walks across to the door. Switch to a close up on the door.

Quinn (louder yet): I said just a second! (Yanks the door open to reveal a concerned looking Jane. Quinn glares at Jane with hands on hips, and speaks in normal voice) Impatient today, aren’t we?

Jane (In no mood): Stuff it, Quinn. Is Daria here?

Quinn: Of course she is. She came home early from that so-called concert that you and that so-called brother of yours dragged her off too. We ran into each other in the upstairs hall.

Jane walks in, her expression softening, but still concerned.

Jane: Disappeared from, you mean. Is she all right?

Quinn: That’s what I just said, isn’t it? (Turns to heads back towards the sofas, then looking back) What, you mean she finally wised up and ditched you?

Shot changes back to center of living room P.O.V.

Jane: No, she blew her stack about something when we were at the concert, then Trent drove her home. He said that she was pretty torqued off and wouldn’t say anything.

Quinn: That would explain some of what happened last night.

Jane (glaring at Quinn): What do you mean?

Quinn sits back on the sofa with her magazine and isn’t really paying attention to Jane anymore.

Quinn (not really paying attention): Daria’s pulled some thoroughly evil stuff to screw up my parties before, but this time I’ve got the whole thing on video! Oooooooo, this’ll be good for a hundred bucks, easy! And if she ever thinks of blackmailing me again, ha! Oh, will I make her regret it! (Focuses her attention slightly more on Jane) Why didn’t you just call her?

Jane looks like she could throttle Quinn on the spot, but she has other things on her mind.

Jane (Up the stairs) Daria, you awake? (Back to Quinn) The phone was busy all morning. (Back up the stairs) Daria!

Quinn: The Fashion Club was holding a conference call to critique last night’s party fashions before Daria ruined it, all right?

Jane shoots Quinn an ‘Oh, Please!‘ look, then starts to head up the stairs.

Jane (as she goes up): Daria’s normally up before you are, even when she’s sick, right?

Quinn (picking her magazine up again): So?

Jane (from further up the stairs): So why the hell isn’t she down here?

Quinn flips past a page in her magazine, then looks up, slightly concerned, as the thought finally filters through.

Cut to the hall outside Daria’s room. The door is slightly ajar as Jane walks up to it. She knocks quietly. She looks as worried as she did when she came into the house.

Jane: Daria, are you in there? (There’s a groan from inside in response. Jane frowns even deeper than before) Daria?

Jane pushes the door open slowly. Shot changes to a tight shot on the door from the inside of Daria’s bedroom. The door swings open to reveal Jane’s face. When she finally gets a good look into the room, her concerned look immediately changes to wide eyed, open mouthed fright.

Jane (gasps): Oh my god!! Daria?!

The camera rapidly pulls back to reveal the room, with it‘s normal clutter, plus a new item that has recently been added. A large bottle with an apple/berry logo on it is on its side on the floor by the bed, most of its contents having gone into the stain in the carpet that the bottle is sitting on.

Daria is seen from behind pushing herself up out of bed with her left arm and holding her head in her right hand, and her eyes are screwed shut. Her jacket and glasses are off, and she has a hellacious case of bed-head.

Daria (Whispering very quietly): I’m not talking to you until you quit screaming.

Jane is by her friend’s side in a flash, still looking panicked. She pulls the blankets up to cover her friend’s shoulders as she gets to the bed. Daria looks like nine miles of bad road.

Jane (extremely worried): Good god, Daria, what happened??

Daria finishes levering herself to a sitting position, ignoring the blanket that Jane is pulling around her and holding her head in both hands. When Daria is covered, the shot changes to an angle that shows the two girls sitting on the bed.

Daria (in pain and not entirely coherent): Jane? What.... I don’t ..... last night?

Daria finally opens her eyes and tries to focus on Jane.

Daria (Confused): Where are my . . . What did I . . .?

Jane (worried, but trying to keep her cool): Daria, Are you all right? What the hell happened after you got home last night?

Daria (sniffs and winces): What is that smell?

Jane (confused, not having noticed it yet): Huh?

Camera pans down to the bottle with the apple / berry logo laying on the stain on the floor. Daria makes a choking sound and we see her stocking feet running past the bottle.

Shot changes to one tight view of the door. Daria, both hands over her mouth, wide eyed, running through the door and nearly plowing into Quinn as she finally comes up to her sister’s room.

Shot returns to the bottle and pans with Jane’s hand as she picks it up and looks at what is left inside.

Quinn (looking very confused and pointing after Daria with one thumb): Jane, why is Daria --

Quinn gets cut off by the off screen sound of Daria vomiting, loudly and rather painfully. Quinn looks panicked and runs after her sister. Jane holds her ground for a moment and sniffs the bottle’s remaining contents. She rapidly clamps her hand over her nose and mouth, holding the bottle at arms length.

Jane (from behind her hand): Oh, man, does that reek!!

Quinn (off screen and sounding panicked): JANE!!

Jane sits the bottle on the night stand by the clock radio and heads for the door at a run. Shot focuses on Jane’s face as she runs out.

Jane (v/o, looking as panicked as Quinn sounded): What did Daria get into?

Shot changes to the outside of the upstairs bathroom. Jane comes around the stairs and is about to enter the bathroom when, once again, the sound of Daria being sick is heard. Jane skids to a stop and holds her nose, looking into the bathroom.

Jane (disgusted and surprised): Holy Moses!

Quinn (o/s): EEeeewwwww!!! DAMMIT DARIA, THOSE WERE NEW JEANS!!!

Daria (o/s, very weakly): Sorry.

Jane smirks slightly behind her hand, still holding her nose, and walks into the bathroom.

Jane: Come on, Quinn. Let’s get Daria and you into some clean clothes. (Beat) Got the “mother of all hangovers,” eh, mi amiga?

Daria (o/s, weak deadpan): I thought I told you to quit screaming.

My First Hangover

Scene opens with a shot of the Morgendorffer kitchen, across the room form the dinette that is in the corner. Jane and Daria are sitting at the table, respectively in Jake and Quinn’s usual places. Daria is in her pajamas and a large bathrobe, and both are leaning on their elbows on the table, and both of them have large mugs of steaming coffee in front of them.

Daria: I don’t remember much of anything from last night, Jane.

Shot changes to a medium close shot of Daria and Jane from the other side of the table. Daria isn’t wearing her glasses, but they are sitting on the table next to her mug.

Jane (smirk): Boy, Daria, if I had known what kind of party Quinn’s little shindig was going to turn into when you showed up, I would have gone with you.

Daria (with a plaintive look): It’s not funny, Jane. That kind of stuff just isn’t like me. And letting it go this far definitely isn’t like me

Jane (contrite): I’m sorry, Daria. (Quiet for a moment) So, what did you mean by what you said at the concert?

Daria looks at the table surface, her eyebrows slightly raised.

Daria: Uh, what, exactly did I say?

Jane: In a nutshell? Oh, just that you were mad at me for, among other things, running off and hanging out with Tom during the band’s time on stage at the concert and leaving you high and dry and covered in paint during homecoming.

Daria sighs and picks up her glasses and puts them back on, then picks up her coffee mug.

Daria (takes a drink): That sounds about right.

Jane (sighs): I wish you would have said something.

Daria just stairs into her coffee cup.

Daria: Yeah, well . . .

Jane: Daria, we’ve been friends for, what, over a year and a half now? You spend more time with me than you do with your family, not that I’m complaining or that I blame you any. And in that time, we’ve gotten to know each other on levels that take other people years. (beat) Tom and I have been going out for about four months, and we’ve been getting to know each other pretty good in that time, (cocks an eyebrow) in lots of ways.

Notices the strange, slightly nauseated look she’s getting from Daria.

Jane (continues): But I won’t go into that.

Daria (deadpan): There may be a god after all.

Jane: Look, the point is, I’m trying to apologize for making you feel left out. (Looks into her own cup) Up until you and Tom came along, I never made friends very easily, and I guess that I got greedy, or something, and didn’t realize what it was doing to our friendship.

Jane looks over at Daria, who is looking intently back at her.

Daria (slowly): Jane, I‘ve got the worst headache of my entire life, and realize that if I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be saying this, but you were sort of right. I am jealous. Not of you and Tom specifically, but of your relationship. I started to see it turning into what our friendship is, and it started to get to me.

Jane: Daria, I can definitely promise you this: My friendship with Tom, whatever it turns into, will never be anything like the relationship I have with you.

Daria: Promise?

Jane (holds up her right hand): Swear on my easel.

Daria smiles slightly and both girls start to chuckle a little. Daria breaks hers off, and puts her head in her hands.

Daria (small groan): Thanks, Jane. I just wish I’d lived long enough to have appreciated it.

Jane: It’s okay. (Beat) Your first hangover, huh?

Daria (without looking up): How’d you know?

Jane: I thought so. I remember my first hangover.(Looks thoughtful for a moment) Actually, I don’t remember my first hangover. All I remember is Trent yelling at me afterwards for getting into his booze. (shrugs) But, I guess if you can remember it, then it really isn’t a real hangover, now is it?

Jane and Daria share a smirk as the scene fades out.

I wish I knew what I did last night

Scene opens with the standard wide shot of Lawndale High, then cuts into the lunchroom , where Daria and Jane are walking away form the cashier with their trays. Jane has the usual burger, fries, and fixings, but Daria has only a bland looking sandwich and water bottle, owing to the fact that her stomach still isn’t in the best of shape. Camera follows them as they walk over to their usual table.

Jane: So, anything come back from Saturday night?

Daria: You mean other than everything that I’d eaten or, ugh, drank that night? Hardly anything. (sits down) I have noticed that I’ve been getting a few strange looks from a lot of the other students.

Jane (looks thoughtful for a moment): Hmm, now that you mention it, I did notice Evan from the track team looking at you kind of weirdly this morning.

Jane and Daria take their usual seats at their table. Jodie and Mack are seen walking up to them in the background.

Daria: Just so long as he doesn’t ask me to try and join.

Jodie: Hey, guys. Mind if we join you?

Jane: Not at all, pull up a chair.

Daria: Go for it.

Mack: Thanks.

Jodie takes a seat by Daria, while Mack walks around and sits by Jane.

Daria: By the way, Mack, I was wondering if you had some inkling as to why Kevin’s jeep was abandoned on our front lawn?

Mack (looking sheepish for a second): Oh, yeah. I’d forgotten. I’d removed his distributor cables just before Jodie and I left your sister’s party. Kevin looked like he was on his way to getting pretty drunk, and I didn’t want him getting someone killed when he left.

Daria: You’re a good man, Gunga Din. So, when will he figure out it’s missing? I can’t have that thing on the lawn when my parents get back.

Mack: He already asked me about it. I told him that I’d help him fix it after school. We just have to reattach the wires. They’re in the back of my dad’s car.

The three girls share a smirk at that, then Jodie turns serious.

Jodie: So, Daria, I hear that Quinn’s party got pretty, um, ‘interesting’ a little while after we left.

Daria and Jane exchange a ‘What is she talking about?’ look.

Jane: Interesting?

Daria: In what respect?

Mack and Jodie exchange a similar look.

Jodie (probing hesitantly): You mean you didn’t see Sandi’s black eye?

Daria (confused): Huh?

Jane: Um, she was wearing sunglasses when I saw her in the girls’ room this morning. She could have been trying to hide a shiner, I suppose.

Jodie is about to say something, but is interrupted by Quinn coming up to the table and getting in Daria’s space.

Quinn (angry): Look, Daria, I know you were mad about something Saturday night, but that didn’t give you an excuse to wreck my party! It was turning into the biggest party of the season, despite what you did to Sandi and then you had to -- to -- Ooooo!! Now I’m gonna have to do the whole thing over again! Don’t you know what a party do-over can do to my popularity? (Leans in closer) But you better not screw the next one up, or else I’m gonna will personally see to it that Mom grinds you into mulch and grounds the bits till you‘re thirty!

Quinn storms off, leaving an extremely confused Daria and company behind. They watch as she goes over to the Fashion Club‘s table, on the other side of the cafeteria, and sits down with the other three. Sandi is wearing a very expensive pair of sunglasses and is trying to look inconspicuous.

Daria: What happened to Sandi?

Jodie: You mean you weren’t the one who --(oops!) -- uh . . .

Daria (very confused now): ‘One who’ what? She get drunk and I push her down the stairs or something? What?

Mack and Jodie exchange another look, while Jane seems to have put two and two together.

Jane: Wait a second, you mean Daria . . .decked Sandi?

Daria looks extremely confused, Jane has a smirk on her face that could light up Toledo, and Jodie nods, looking sympathetic. Mack looks at each of the girls in turn with a thoughtful look on his face.

Mack: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Daria, are you saying that you don’t remember anything that happened Saturday night?

Daria (raises eyebrows): No! (beat) Well, some. (beat) I remember coming home from the Battle of the Bands concert, and trying to find Quinn at the party. Then I went up stairs and found her coming out of her room. (concentrates) Then I went to my room, and got there just in time to throw Sandi and that goon Evan out before they started doing something I’d really rather not think about. (shudders)

Mack: So you don’t remember taking a swing at Sandi?

Daria: No. (frowns) I remember, there was a duffel bag with some big juice bottles in it, and one was on the floor . . .

Mack (winces): Oboy. It wasn‘t ‘Wilson’s AppleBerry’ was it?

Judging from Daria’s expression, that particular brand name has tickled a vague memory in her mind. Jodi and Mack exchange an ‘Oh, no’ kind of look.

Daria (still thinking): I think so. It must have been laced with something.

Mack (gravely): Yeah, Texas . . .

Daria (finishing for Mack): Everclear. (long pause) Oh, God.

Jodie: Oh, wow.

Jane: Oy.

Kevin and Brittany pick that moment to walk by, carrying their own trays.

Kevin: Hey, Daria! I didn’t know you knew how to party that hard! You gotta come to the kegger after next Friday’s football game. Evan’s gonna bring some more of the good stuff too! It’s gonna rock!

Brittany: Yeah, and maybe you can show me where you learned to dance like that!

The two of them walk off, Daria looking after them somewhat wide eyed. Then she turns back to the rest of the table, staring off into the middle distance.

Daria (not wanting to ask, but . . .): Uh, guys? Just what the hell did I do Saturday night?

Scene fades to split of Sandi and Evan being thrown out, and Jane’s initial entrance to Daria’s room. Music is Fiona Apple’s “Criminal.”

~~~{ Act V }~~~

Locating a missing night

Opening of scene is a wide shot of Daria and Jane sitting at their usual spot with Mack and Jodie. Jane, Mack, and Daria are sitting cross legged, while Jodie is sitting with her knees tucked under her.

Daria (looking very intent): Mack, Jodie, I have been getting weird stares from all kinds of people all morning long. I get an invitation from Kevin to a football kegger, and a request from Brittany for dance lessons. Quinn gets in my face, threatening consequences dire and terrible if I come within range of her next party, and Jane said Sandi is doing her best Jackie Onassis imitation in order to hide a black eye that I allegedly gave her. (Looks plaintively at Mack and Jodie) You guys have got to tell me what happened at Quinn’s party Saturday night!

Jodie and Mack exchange a look.

Jodie: I wish we could, Daria, but Mack and I left when Evan started passing around that spiked juice, and that was long before you got there.

Mack: And all we do know for sure is what Jodie overheard in the ladies room. Why don’t you ask Quinn about it?

Daria: Going by the way Quinn was acting, whatever I did Saturday must have given her some pretty damming blackmail material. I can’t risk going to her for anything other than confirmation, and that’s only after I have the whole story. (sigh) And even then, that conversation is not going to turn out well.

Jane: You’ll also need something that she thinks is equally heavy, or worse, to hold over her head to get her to keep her mouth shut to your parents.

Mack: Okay, so what if we just did some asking around?

Jodie: Sure, why not? I’m sure that we could piece together what happened in no time.

Half the football team looked to be there when we left, not to mention most of the cheerleaders . . .

Jane (gravely): And the Fashion Club.

Daria: Ah, the Fashion Club. There’s the rub in this whole farcical mess. (Shakes her head) Tiffany was so bombed that she barely knew her own name when I talked to her. Quinn’s not going to tell any of you anything because she knows it will eventually find its way back to me.

Mack: Why don’t you talk to her?

Daria: She already has me over a very putrid barrel. Admitting I have no memory of Saturday night will just make things worse. And Talking to Sandi is out of the question for obvious reasons.

Jodie: So that would leave Stacy.

Jane (calculating smirk): Leave her to me.

Daria (raised eyebrow / lid): It’s very possible that Quinn and Sandi have sworn her to secrecy. With real swear words. What makes you think that she’ll talk to you?

Jane: Just trust me, amiga. Meantime, maybe you ought to go and lay low for the rest of the day.

The group stands up, Daria just a little shakily. She puts her hand on her stomach as she gets to her feet.

Daria: I think I’ll do one better than that. I don’t think my stomach’s completely recovered from its encounter with that high-octane apple-berry stuff. I think I’m going to head home.

Jane: Great. We’ll meet you there right after school and compare notes and bring you your homework.

Daria: Works for me. Maybe I can find some hints around the house as to what happened, too.

Scene fades as the four walk off.

Begin Montage Sequence

Mack walks into the locker room, his football uniform over his arm. Inside, Joey and Jamie are putting on their pads and talking. Mack walks up to them and begins his conversation with them. Joey and Jamie exchange a look, burst into laughter, and begin telling Mack what he wants to know. Jeffy walks into the room, listens for a second or two, turns beat read, and walks out. Mack looks after Jeffy with incredulity.

Cut to shot of Daria walking into her room and removing Evan’s bag from her closet. She pulls out one of the bottles and gives it a dirty look before putting it back. She then turns around and walks out of the room with the bag.

Cut to Jodie walking into the gym and over to where Lisa and Nikki, two of the cheerleaders are sitting on the bleachers, doing something with their pom-poms. Jodie sits down and the three start talking. Lisa and Nikki exchange a look, then between chuckling and looking embarrassed about what they’re talking about, they give Jodie their version of events. Jodie looks like she can’t believe her ears.

Cut to Daria in the upstairs bathroom, standing in front of a running sink, and holding her nose. Evan’s gym bag is sitting on the sink, along with two empty bottles. Daria is pouring the contents of a third down the sink. When she is done, she puts the bottle down, releases her nose, and stands there for a moment. The booze-juice smell is still present, it seems, and Daria reacts by going slightly wide eyed and putting one hand over her mouth. She then ducks out of the shot in the direction of the toilet, fast.

Cut to Jane walking down the hall of the school. She comes upon Brittany and Kevin and starts talking with them. It seems that these two are only too eager to tell Jane about her Best Friend’s exploits. Jane manages to look both shocked and amused at the same time.

Cut to a shot of Daria, wearing her Mark Twain night shirt and cleaning something in a kitchen sink full of soap suds. She pulls out her jacket, suds clinging to the lapels and scrubs part of it with a hand brush before dunking it back in the water.

Cut to a shot of Jane, Jodie, and Mack in the hall near Jane’s locker, comparing notes as the school bell rings. All three of them look rather disbelieving at what they have learned.

Jane (finishing) . . . and that’s when she apparently went upstairs and passed out.

Mack (shakes his head): You know, if I hadn’t heard it, I wouldn’t believe it.

Jodie (to Jane): Are you really sure that you want to tell Daria about all of this? Maybe she’s just better off not knowing, you know?

Jane: Daria said she wanted to know what happened Saturday night, and we said we’d find out.

Jodie: But do we have to tell her everything? I mean, what Nikki and Lisa told me was really embarrassing!

Mack (off Jodi‘s point): And what about Jeffy?

Jane: And the force of nature that is Daria Morgendorffer would sweep us up in her quest for the truth and leave nothing but bloody corpses behind if she thought that we were being anything but a hundred percent straight about this. (beat) Besides, If I’m right, then Evan is going to be the one who’s going to be looking over his shoulder for a long time for bringing that apple-berry hooch to Quinn’s party. (smirk) And he deserves every minute of it.

Jodie: But still, considering some of our sources . . .

Jane spots something. Cut to a wide shot of Stacy Rowe heading into the ladies room by herself.

Mack (v/o): Yeah. I mean it’s not like we have anything that we could take to court, so to speak.

Cut back to the three friends.

Jane: Relax, fellow snoops, we have just one more interview to conduct.

Jane walks off towards the ladies room.

Cut to the usual long shot down the length of the ladies room, where Stacy is standing at the mirror, fixing her face. Jane walks in and takes a place at the mirror, and touches up her own lipstick.

Cut to a medium shot from behind the girls, showing their reflections in the mirror.

Jane (glances sideways at Stacy):Hi.

Stacy (looks nervous): Uh . . . Hi.

Jane (evening out her lipstick with her finger): Heard Quinn had a hell of a party Saturday.

Sandy (still nervous): Uh, yeah, it was, um, a hell of a party.

Jane (puts her lipstick away and just stands there): Heard Sandi got a black eye that night.

Stacy (now really nervous): Um, I don’t know, um, what you, uh . . .(glances around).

Stacy is now officially scared, looking for some means of escape, and is close to hyperventilating.

Stacy: You’re not going to, like, rob me or something, are you?

Jane (chuckles): Oh, come on Stacy, you should know me better than that. I just want to know what happened at that party Saturday.

Stacy (panic slowly creeping): What do you mean ‘What happened?’ Nothing happened. Sandi just, um, slipped and she, uh, (very nervous chuckle, and the floodgates open) Quinn’s cousin didn’t do anything she was never there and Quinn made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone and Sandi is already mad enough as it is and---

Jane (sharp): Hold it!

Stacy: Eep!

Jane (reasonably): Would you rather tell me, or would you rather tell Daria after she gets sick of all the talking and decides to ferret out what actually happened?

Stacy looks like a mouse stuck between a room full of traps and a yard full of cats and is deciding which is the quicker way to go.

Stacy (defeated sigh): I don’t have to tell you anything. Quinn’s got the whole night on video tape.

Jane (sharply): Who’s got what!?

Stacy (flinches): Eep! Please don‘t yell!

Jane: Okay, I’m sorry. Now, what happened?

Stacy (calms somewhat): Quinn was going to show Sandi that she didn’t have any control when she was drinking. She got her dad’s video camera and started shooting video of Sandi when her cousin came home and locked herself in her room after she threw Evan and Sandi out of it. Quinn got some dirt on Sandi, but her cousin came out later and was really really really messed up. Quinn got the whole thing on tape.

Jane puts her hand on Stacy’s shoulder. Stacy looks very defeated, but looks up anyway.

Jane: You did the right thing, Stacy. Thanks.

Stacy: Yeah, right. You won’t tell Sandi or Quinn?

Jane: Don’t worry about Sandi, nobody’s going to tell her. (turns to go) And I think Quinn is going to have a lot more to worry about than who spilled the beans about her tape soon enough.

Cut to Jodie and Mack waiting beside the lockers as Jane walks up.

Jodie: Well?

Jane leans against the lockers and crosses her arms.

Jane (shakes her head): This just keeps getting better and better.

Mack: What?

Jane (looks up): Quinn has a video tape of the whole thing.

Jodie: Wow. (realizes the implications) Oh wow.

Mack: Poor Quinn. (shakes his head) She’s so dead they’re going to have to bury her twice.

A tale of Daria‘s exploits

Scene opens with Daria sitting in the living room of her home, watching television. She is still wearing her Mark Twain shirt, and is gamely trying to eat something that looks like toast and tea. From the television, the theme for Sick Sad World plays.

Cut to a shot of he television screen, which shows a bunch of people in the buff with books covering certain . . . strategic locations.

SSW Announcer: Is it about brains or bods? A revealing look at a controversial social phenomenon that’s really taken off! Nude Book Clubs! Tonight on a classic Sick Sad World!

As Daria picks up the remote and shuts off the sound, looking slightly disgusted, the doorbell goes >bing bong!< Daria gets up and walks over to the door. The shot cuts to a medium shot of the door as she opens it, revealing Mack, Jane, and Jodie.

Daria: Ah, right on time. Now we can begin the meeting. Just leave you clothes on the stairs.

All three walk in and head for the couches. Mack and Jodie look a little confused at what Daria just said, but Jane casts a glance at the television. They all find seats.

Jane: The “Nude Book Clubs” episode?

Daria (deadpan): Yep. “The haven for uninhibited intellectuals.”

Mack smiles slightly.

Jodie (as she sits): I’ll stay inhibited, thank you. (shoots Mack a look) You hush.

Mack (all wide-eyed and innocent [yeah, right!]): Did I say anything?

Jane smirks at the two and Daria has a look on her face that say “I don’t even want to know.”

Daria: Guys, please. My stomach is queasy enough as it is. Can you just tell me what you found out about Saturday night so that I can enroll in the Federal Witness Protection Program while there’s still time?

Jane (slowly): Well, okay. Do you want it all at once or in small doses?

Daria: All at once. Let’s get this over with.

Jane, Jodie and Mack exchange a look before Jane continues.

Jane: Quinn has . . . a video tape.

Daria (flat): A tape . . .

Jane: Of you . . . Saturday night.

Daria (no tone whatsoever): A . . . tape. (beat) And just what is on this . . . tape.

Mack leans forward, his elbows on his knees.

Mack: Maybe I’d better go first. In broad strokes, you got very, very hammered that night.

Daria (still toneless): Tell me something I don’t know.

Mack: Apparently, according to Joey and Jamie, you came across them and Jeffy in your upstairs hallway. They were on the hunt for Quinn and discovered you trying to get back into your room. Jeffy unlocked the door for you and you apparently grabbed him and pulled him inside and wanted to, and I quote, ‘give him a thank-you that would curl his toe nails.’ But you passed out, and they left. Rather quickly, I’m told.

Daria (closes her eyes): Oh, god.

Jodie: That must have happened after you were dancing downstairs.

Daria (opens her eyes and looks at Jodie in shock): It gets worse?

Jodie (really would rather do anything else than tell her this): Wwweeeelllllllll . . . According to a couple of the cheerleaders, you came downstairs about an hour and a half or so after you got home and began dancing . . .uh . . .

Daria: What? A ballet? A polka? An Irish jig?? What!?

Jodie (almost a mumble): Very seductively.

Daria (it can’t get any worse): Seductively . . .?

Jane (looking sympathetic): According to our information you did every ‘dirty dancing’ move you could think of with any guy or girl that crossed your path. In the process, you collided with Kevin and Brittany and held a little dancing display with the two of them.

Daria (it got worse): >whimper<

Jane: Apparently, they think you’re into three-ways now?

Daria slumps forward and puts her face in her hands, her fingers sliding behind her glances and massaging her forehead.

Daria (from behind her hands): Oh dear Mother of God, I am ruined. I am totally ruined! I’m going to have to kill Quinn, blow up the school, burn down the house, and hope that the feds are merciful enough to shoot me on sight after. (looks back up at Jane, Jodie, and Mack, in a tone that drips venom) And my darling little sister has all of this on video tape??

Jane: Look on the bright side, you did get to clock Sandi in the eye.

Daria (sits back): Oh, yeah, Jane. That really helps. Thanks.

Jane (smirks): Any time.

Daria gets up and begins to walk towards the stairs.

Daria: Come on.

Jane (as the three stand up and follow): Where are we going?

Daria: Quinn’s room. I need to find that tape.

Jodie: Uh, Daria, are you sure searching your sister’s room is such a good idea?

Daria: It’s a start.

Cut to the foot of the stairs.

Jodie: Look, Daria, I know you’re mad, and I don’t want you to think I’m wimping out on you, but . . .

Daria: I know. The parentally mandated volunteer work. (sigh) Go on, you two, it’s all right. At least this way you won’t be an accessory to anything.

Jodie and Mack head for the door.

Jodie: Thanks Daria. (stops at the door and looks back) Look, Daria. I know it’s no consolation, but, I know this school. In a couple of weeks, someone will have done something at another party, and this whole thing will be forgotten.

Daria: I hope so, Jodie. My parents are going to go thermonuclear when they get wind of this. I just know it.

Jodie (sadly): Yeah. Well, see you tomorrow?

Daria (as Jodie and Mack leave): See you then.

Daria and Jane start up the stairs.

Daria: You know Jane, you really don’t have to be here for this either. I can search Quinn’s room just as well alone.

Jane mentally replaces ‘search’ with ‘trash’ and smirks to herself.

Jane: Hey, amiga, what else are Partners in Crime for?

Scene fades to a split of Daria cleaning her jacket and Jane & Stacy’s conversation in the bathroom. No music this time.

~~~{ Act VI }~~~

Quinn in the lions den

Scene opens with a wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, that evening. A purplish Porsche pulls up in front of the house and Quinn gets out of the passenger side, turns around, waves to the driver, and heads for the front door. The scene changes to a shot of the front door as Quinn enters, humming something to herself as she goes up stairs. The scene changes again as Quinn walks up to the door of her room, which is closed.

Cut to the other side of the door, tight on Quinn’s head and shoulders as she opens the door and follow her as she unlimbers her purse and sits down on the edge of the bed with her back still to the door. Without looking up, she walks over to her end stand and begins to go through her jewelry box there.

Cut to a medium shot of Quinn, and the door to her room, which now slowly starts to swing shut. Behind the door is Daria, still in her Mark Twain shirt, slowly pushing the door with her right index finger. The look on her face promises pure murder to anyone unfortunate enough to cross her line of sight. (And guess where Quinn is?)

Daria, silent as death itself, grasps the door knob and shoves the door shut with all her might.

Door >SFX<: WHAM!!!!!

Quinn (whirls around and shrieks): EEEKK!!!

Daria doesn’t even blink.

Daria (in her best Hannibal Lecter): Hello, Quinn. You have something I want.

Quinn (petrified): Wha - wha - wha - >gulp< (nervous chuckle, weak smile) Heh-heh. What do you mean Daria? What could I h-h-h-have that you could p-p-p-p-possibly want?

Daria: The tape.

Quinn looks like she’s about to have an accident.

Quinn: Wha-wha-wha-wha-what tape?

Daria turns up the heat. She takes one step forward, and Quinn takes one step backwards.

Daria (slowly, in full Hannibal mode): The video tape . . . (takes another step) You shot of me . . . (takes another step) Saturday night . . . (takes another step)

Quinn is slowly backing up, and corners herself in her mirrors.

Quinn: Wha-wha-what tape? D-d-d-daria, I don’t know what --

Daria: You know exactly what I’m talking about. (takes another step) I know that you were taping Sandi. (takes another step) Then you evidently decided it would be “better” to use it on me instead. (Takes another step) You will give me that tape or I will bodily tear this room apart, right down to the wall studs in order to find it.

Quinn (swallows very hard): Daria, I d-d-d-d-don’t --

Daria takes one last step and stands nose to perky little nose with Quinn.

Daria: Strike three, Quinn. You are out. I want that tape, and you will give it to me.

Quinn: >gulp<

Daria (death incarnate): Now.

Quinn’s lower lip begins to quiver for a few seconds as she ponders the seriousness of her situation.

Quinn (very weak and quiet): A-a-all right. I’ll get the tape. But only if you promise not to hurt me or something.

Daria: That will remain to be seen. The tape.

Quinn slides around Daria and out of the corner, looking all the while like she might bolt. Only taking her eyes off of her sister long enough to make sure she doesn’t trip on something, Quinn takes the stuffed smiley face currently laying on the opposite side of the bed. Picking up the pillow, she pulls back the zipper on top of it and reaches inside. A moment later she removes an 8 millimeter video tape and closes the zipper.

Quinn (swallows as she holds the tape out to Daria): Here.

Daria walks over, and Quinn winces as something on the floor goes crunch, but Quinn isn’t in any position to see what it was. Daria snatches the tape out of Quinn’s hand and examines it briefly, then glares malevolently at Quinn.

Quinn: Um, can I go --

Daria: Downstairs. March.

Quinn (Huh?): What for?

Daria. Until I make sure that this is the genuine article, I am not letting you out of my sight. That’s also where the VCR is. Now move it.

Scene cuts to the living room as Quinn and Daria walk down the stairs and turn towards the sofas.

Quinn: Um, Daria, I really need --

Daria (points to a couch): Sit.

Quinn immediately sits down on the couch opposite the television and wisely says nothing more. Daria puts the tape in the machine, then walks over and takes a seat beside Quinn, spearing her with another homicidal look. Quinn looks completely miserable. Daria thumbs the play button on the remote.

Cut to the television. There is a moment of static, and then . . . we go to the video tape.

Please, God, let it be Memorex

The video starts with Daria in the hall outside her room, a time index down in the corner says “SATURDAY 9:13 PM.” Moans evidently are coming from inside Daria‘s room. Daria shoves the door to her room open and charges in. The moans are immediately replaced by sounds of surprise and a couple of muffled thuds.

Sandi (o/s, slurred): Hey! What the hell --??

Evan (o/s, also slurred): Hey -- Ow! That hurt!

Evan is the first out of the room, definitely not in control of his exit, and lands on his hands and knees in the hall, all the while trying to pull his pants up. Sandi is next, backing out of the room, stumbling, obviously shoved, and holding her shirt in front of her chest to cover herself. She’s also wearing the spiked dog collar that is usually on Daria’s floor around her throat.

Sandi looks into Daria’s room in disbelief. After a second, Daria’s arm reaches out of the still open door and she grabs the collar in her fist, avoiding the spikes. With a yank, Daria pulls the collar off of Sandi’s neck, but one of the spikes catches on Sandi’s shirt, and it is pulled out of her hands and into Daria’s room. Then, the door slams, causing Sandi to flinch backward and trip over Evan, the camera following and zooming in slightly.

Sandi: Whoa!!

Evan (o/s): Ouch!! Dammit, watch it!

Sandi looks into the camera and notices Quinn, and immediately crosses her arms over her nominally bare chest.

Sandi (slurred): Jus’ what the hell are you doin’?

Stacy (o/s): Eep!

Quinn (o/s, a little vengefully): So, Sandi, enjoying the party?

Sandi: Why, I otta -- (wait a second, something’s missing here) Hey! Like, she’s got my shirt!

Sandi, covering her chest with one arm, stands up and starts pounding on Daria’s door with the other fist.

Sandi (yelling): Hey! Open that door, ya four-eyed foul up! Gimme my shirt back! (pounds some more) Open this damn door!

Evan (o/s, from the floor, slurred): God, wha’s with your siser, Quinn? Watta bitch...

Quinn (o/s, relenting somewhat): Oh, come on, Sandi. Let’s go to my room, and I’ll lend you a shirt.

The view from the camera twists and drops to a shot of Quinn’s feet for a second, before disappearing in a wash of static. The static clears after a moment to show a shot of the party going on in the living room. The time index now says “SATURDAY 10:52 PM.”

On the video, Sandi, now wearing one of Quinn’s pink baby tee shirts with the smiley faces. “Larger Than Life,” by N’Sync is blasting in the background, and Sandi is dancing with one of the football players -- actually, it looks more like they are doing a standing dry hump in the middle of the living room.

Quinn (o/s): And she’s the one who says she’s always on complete control.

Stacy (o/s): You mean she’s doing that deliberately?

Quinn (o/s): Yep. She’d rather eat her make-up kit than do it sober, though. (beat, chuckle) Sandi, you are such a slut when you’re drunk.

In the background of the video, Daria can be seen coming down the stairs with a definite stagger to her step. Her green jacket is missing, so she’s wearing her mustard tee shirt, skirt, etc. She has one of the bottles of spiked juice in one hand, almost empty, and Sandi’s shirt in the other. Daria walks a few paces out into the party, relatively unnoticed, until she announces herself.

Daria (loud and very, very slurred): Now just what’d be goin’ on here, huh? A party? Y’all mind if us brainy misery chicks joins ya?

The camera drops slightly and the view twists slightly. Obviously Quinn is totally shocked at her sister’s behavior.

Quinn (o/s, disbelieving): DARIA?!? Oh my God!

Stacy (o/s): She’s drunk!

Quinn (o/s): Drunk? Try totally plastered! (quiet, evil glee) This is great!

On tape, Daria heard Quinn and finishes off the remains of the bottle with one long pull.

Daria: Paah! (side-arm throws the empty out of view of the camera, not really caring where it goes.) Hell, Quinniekins, I just might res-e-memble that remark if I hadn’t passed that point a half hour ago.

Cut to Daria and Quinn on the sofa. Quinn is just watching, but Daria is slumping down with a distressed look on her face. She can’t really have done that, can she? Cut back to the tape.

Sandi (snorts): “Quinniekins??” HA! (notices what Daria’s carrying) Hey! That’s my shirt!

The camera’s viewpoint immediately straightens out as Quinn turns it to get the best angle on this showdown. Sandi closes on Daria.

Daria (totally out of character): Sandi, baby! C’mere, darlin’, lemme make up for a case of coity inturrrruptl -- cutie iriptal -- disturbin you an’ ol’ Evan over there. (Grabs Sandi around the neck in a sloppy hug) Pucker up, darlin’!

Sandi (shoves Daria away): EEWWW!! Get off me you freak!

Daria (drunken indignation): Freak?! A freak, am I? Tell ya what, Sandi, why don’y’all just ‘freak’ this!

Daria’s right hand lashes out and connects with Sandi’s left eye in a very quick but badly aimed punch. Sandi staggers back a step and drops to her rear end next to her ‘dance’ partner. Her hand goes up to her eye.

Sandi: OOWWW!!!

Stacy (running into the shot): Omigod! Sandi! Are you okay?

Daria staggers up to her and throws the shirt at her.

Daria (slurred): I wouldn’ polish my boots with this crap. (grabs Sandi’s dance partner and pulls him towards the middle of the floor) C’mon, goo’lookin’, lets dance.

Daria reaches around and grabs the football player’s backside, and the two start a dance / dry hump that makes Sandi’s look tame, much to the delight of some of the surrounding students. Quinn filmed the whole thing, about the last minute and a half of the song.

Cut back to Quinn and Daria on the sofa. Quinn is looking between Daria and the tape, while Daria looks totally mortified, and puts her fingers over her eyes. Cut back to the tape as, on screen, Daria grabs another party guest and starts in with the next song.

Quinn (o/s, as Daria dances): Omigod, I can’t believe she’s doing this!

The view of the tape on the television screen fades into another scene, the time index showing some 10 minutes later, and Daria is “dancing” with another football player to a different song. This time he’s behind her, with Daria holding his hand on her belly while her other hand is behind them, presumably on his butt. The scene and the music change again, this time to something with a pulsing electronic beat, and Daria and one of the cheer leaders are doing some kind of fast bump-n-grind to the music.

Quinn (o/s, as Daria dances, disgusted): Oh god...This is embarrassing.

Stacy (o/s): Quinn, where’s your ice bag?

The scene does a fade change again, and this time the camcorder’s clock shows “11:23 PM,” and Daria is once again giving another student -- Evan of all people! -- a “dancing physical,” when she notices Kevin and Brittany dancing nearby. The smirk she gets on her face speaks volumes, and she abandons her dance partner.

Daria (separating herself form Evan): Well well wellywellywelly well, what’ve we here? An oversexed cheerleader and her mate!

Evan: Hey! Where ya goin?

Daria (walking away): Take a hike, jock . . . strap. (drunken giggle)

Daria walks over to Kevin and Brittany and inserts herself between the two of them.

Brittany (surprised): Daria?? What are you doing?

Kevin (clueless, and fairly sloshed himself): Uh, hey Daria. Didja wanna dance?

Brittany starts to balk away, but Daria reaches around behind her and grabs Brittany around the waist and pulls her back in, pressing Brittany‘s ‘assets’ against her back.

Shot cuts from the tape to the couch, where Daria sits straight up for a second as she sees this. Then she drops back down and slumps down even more.

Daria (whimpers): Oh, please, no . ..

Shot cuts back to the tape.

Daria (on the tape, slurred): Hey, Britty, bring those things back here! (pulls Kevin and Brittany against her) Let’s all do some dancin’!

For about ten minutes, and most of four songs, Daria switches between Kevin and Brittany, and one other time both of them, dancing them all over the living room. All the time, she is dong maneuvers that would give both her parents a heart attack, and Jane a stroke. (Use your imagination, ya perverts!). Finally, blessedly, Daria tires of the dance and Quinn follows her with the camera as she staggers up the stairs.

The shot cuts to one of Daria staggering down the hall. It’s obvious that she couldn’t walk a straight line if she wanted to. When she gets to her door, she starts to fumble with the knob. The party can be heard in the background, as can three other make voices.

Jamie (o/s): I know she went up here, guys.

Jeffy (o/s): She’s gotta be around here somewhere.

Joey (o/s): Of course she is, duh! She lives here.

Jeffy: (o/s): That’s not what I meant! I -- Hey, there she is!

All Three J’s (over each other): Hey Quinn! Do you need a new battery? Can I polish your lenses? Would you like a soda?

Quinn (o/s): Guys, shush!

Jamie (o/s): Huh? Hey, what’s wrong with your cousin?

Joey (o/s): Oh, wow, she’s plowed!

Quinn (o/s, chuckle): Like you wouldn’t believe!

Daria (slurred): Dammitall, I knew this thing worked this mornin’.

Jeffy walks into the shot and towards Daria.

Jeffy: Hey, Daria, let me help you with that.

Jamie (o/s): Hey Jeffy, don’t --

Quinn (o/s, quickly): Nonono, I wanna see what happens!

Daria: Thanks loads, red. Glad to see ol’ Quinniekins could let you offa your leash for a few seconds to help da damsel in dis-dress. (frowns) I think I said that right. Right?

Jeffy: Uh, yeah, I think so. (opens the door) There ya go.

Daria (looks in room): Hot damn! The honeymoon cell! (grabs Jeffy by the arm) C’mere, red. I need to give ya a proper thank you -- the kind that’ll curl your toe-nails and put hair on your chest!

With a yank, Daria and Jeffy disappear into the room.

Jeffy (o/s): Hey, wait a minute, Daria you mmpf!! -- Whoa!

SFX: >thud<

Jeffy: Ow!

Quinn, and consequently, the camcorder point of view, runs up to the door and the camera is pointed inside. The shot centers on Daria, on her bed, flat on her back. Jeffy is on his rear end next to the bed, looking very confused.

Jeffy (looking into camera): I think she’s passed out!

Quinn (o/s): I’ve gotcha this time . . .cousin.

The camera drops to show Quinn’s shoes for a second, then there is a second of static, then the screen goes blue.

Cut to Daria and Quinn on the couch. Daria is slouched way down on the couch, unable to process any more. Her face is so expressionless that it may as well be carved from marble. Quinn is biting her lower lip, has her legs crossed, and is looking from Daria to the television, and back. She looks scared and desperate.

Quinn (weakly): Um, Daria . . .?

Daria (flat): Is this the only tape?

When Quinn doesn’t answer for a second, Daria looks at her with an ice cold stare. Quinn starts nodding very fast.

Quinn (fast): Yes yes yes it’s the only tape. (swallows, voice drops to almost a whisper) Daria, can I go to the bathroom now?

Cut to a shot from behind as Daria looks back at the television’s blue screen.

Daria (whisper): Go.

Quinn runs out of the room as fast as her legs will carry her.

Taking care of loose ends.

The scene opens with a side establishing shot of the Lane home, with Daria walking up the walk later that evening. The shot cuts to a close up of the door as Daria rings the bell. It opens a moment later to reveal Jane.

Jane: Hey there, party girl! Did you get the tape from Quinn?

Cut to the inside of the room as Daria walks in.

Daria (dejected): Yeah, I got it.

Jane raises an eyebrow at Daria’s tone of voice. The two of them walk over to the couch, where Tom Slone is sitting.

Tom: Hey, Daria.

Daria (oh, boy): Uh, hi, Tom.

Jane: Did you leave enough pieces left so the forensics team could identify her?

Daria: Actually, all I had to do was scare the crap out of her. Once she knew that I knew about the tape, she gave it up.

Jane (getting antsy): So let’s see it already!

Tom: See what?

Daria takes the 8 millimeter tape out of her jacket pocket.

Jane: Daria crashed Quinn‘s party Saturday night and apparently re-wrote several chapters in the legend that is her life. Quinn got all the carnage on video.(looks at the tape) Hmm, I think I’ve got one of those adapter thingies up in my room. I’ll get it, you go make the popcorn.

Daria (flat): Actually, I’ve already seen it.

Jane: Well I obviously haven’t! I want to see the hidden party animal underneath that stoic exterior that we’ve all come to know and love.

Daria gives Jane an icy look.

Daria (homicidal): Not a chance. (Back to normal) Look, Jane, I didn’t come over here so that my best friend and her boy friend could see me at my drunken worst. I came to ask a favor.

Tom (stands up): Maybe I had better take off.

Jane: No, Tom, stay. (Tom sits back down, Jane smirks) Good boy, I’ll get you a biscuit later.

Tom (smirks): Woof.

Daria (rolls her eyes): Oh, brother.

Tom: Hey, I don’t belong to a cult!

Daria sighs and shakes her head.

Daria: Look, I didn’t come here to exchange one-liners all night with you guys. I need to ask Jane something.

Jane: Okay, okay, Daria, silly-time is over. What do you need?

Daria: I would like to use your Mom’s kiln.

Jane (smirk): Firing a pot?

Daria (looks at tape): Destroying evidence.

Tom and Jane look confused.

Jane (not quite getting it): Wait a sec. You mean we spent an hour tearing Quinn’s room apart looking for that tape, and then another hour and a half putting it back together, and all you’re going to do is melt it down?

Tom: Wait, I think I understand. It’s a matter of fallout. (Daria and Jane give him a look) Whatever’s on that tape would do more damage to you than it ever would to Quinn, if your parents got hold of it. Quinn might only get grounded or her allowance cut off, but, if what Jane tells me about your folks rings true, they’d go through the roof.

Daria hits Tom with a glare that biochemists usually reserve for particularly nasty microbes, like Ebola.

Daria: Uh, yeah. (Turns the glare on Jane) And you’ve told him exactly what?

Jane: Don’t get so upset, Daria. It’s nothing that you haven’t told me a thousand times. Besides, he’s got a snotty little sister too, so he knows what it’s like.

Daria (look softens): Okay. Look, can we just go fry this thing now?

Jane: Sure.

Cut to the Lane basement, and a medium shot of a large steel door with a small window slot in it, set into a heavily built brick wall. There are a couple of gauges, as well as a pair of valves to the right of the door. The sound of some kind of gas powered flame is faintly heard in the back ground. The shot pans right, to show Jane, examining the gauges, Daria, examine the tape, and Tom, holding an old pizza pan and a broom handle with a hook in the end.

Jane: I think about eight hundred degrees should do it, don’t you Daria?

Daria: As long as this thing is totally destroyed, it should.

Tom (holds out the pan to Daria): Would you like to do the honors?

Daria (hesitant): Um, sure.

Jane walks over to the door and slides it open. All three of them wince at the blast of heat from the kiln. Daria takes the pan, puts the tape on the center, and puts the pan on the kiln rack. Using the broom handle, she pushes the pan into the kiln.

Jane: It gets hottest about half way between the back left corner and the middle, or so Mom says, anyway.

Daria pushes the pan over to the where Jane indicated. Shot cuts to the inside of the kiln as Daria pulls the broom handle out. The casing of the tape is already starting to buckle. The scene goes black as Jane shuts the kiln door, then the shot cuts back out to the three standing in the basement.

Tom: So, did Quinn ever tell you why she did it?

Daria: After we watched the tape, and I finally let Quinn go to the bathroom, she explained that she decided to do it as payback for our little float hopping stunt at the Homecoming parade. Sort of spur of the moment.

Jane: Oh, yeah. Tom told me about that. He said you were looking for Tad Gupty’s parents.

Daria: Yeah. I threatened to start hugging Quinn if the rest of the Fashion Nazis didn’t back off with the makeover stuff.

Tom: So she decided to do this in return for a minute of public discomfort? Someone needs to talk to her about her sense of perspective.

Daria steps forward and looks through the armored glass in the kiln door. Shot cuts to the inside of the kiln. The tape casing is now a puddle of bubbling liquid, and a small flame is dancing merrily on the actual tape itself, which is curling up into a scorched little ball.

Scene cuts to the inside of the front door as Jane, Daria, and Tom walk up to it.

Jane: I’ll let that cook for a little longer, just to make sure that it’s beyond recovery.

Daria: Thanks, Jane.

Tom: So, what about the guy who brought the alcohol in the first place?

Daria: Well, I think a couple of people brought booze to the party, but Evan’s the one in my sights. His parents are going to get a rather interesting package in a day or two, as well as an anonymous letter explaining the origins of the contents.

Jane: Ouch. (beat, then perks up and smiles) Hey, I just remembered! You never found out how the Battle of the Bands turned out!

Daria turns to Jane.

Daria (amazed): Mystik Spiral won?

Jane: Actually, they came in second. But they won five hundred bucks, which they used to get a new amp and a refurbished mixing board.

Daria: Oh, cool.

Jane (smirk): And Trent wanted me to tell you that now you didn’t have to do that thing you were talking about before the concert. (smirk deepens) Care to elaborate?

Daria (deadpan): Right after I find a place to dispose of your bodies.

Tom: Oooo-kay. You know, I think I’m going to order a pizza. Care to stay, Daria?

Daria gives Tom a somewhat familiar look.

Daria: No, I’d better not. I have to get caught up on what I missed this afternoon. Besides, my stomach still isn’t really all that settled.

Tom (walking o/s): Rain check, then. See you later.

Daria (opens door): Later. See you, Jane.

Jane (as Daria leaves): See you tomorrow.

Jane closes the door, and looks between it and the direction that Tom walked off in

Jane (v/o, looking thoughtful): The last time I saw a look like that was when Jesse and I came back to the Tank when it stalled on the way to Alternapalooza. I wonder if Daria’s -- (closes her eyes and shakes her head, quietly speaks) Nah. You’re crazy, Jane.

Jane turns and heads off after Tom.

Jane (louder): Hey, order extra sausage this time.

Scene cuts to a shot of the Morgendorffer homestead, then switches to a shot of the interior of Daria’s room. She is sitting at her computer desk, absently working on something. She turns in her chair and looks across the room for a moment, then gets up and walks over to the telephone sitting on the floor next to her bed. She picks the phone up and sits it on the bed, then sits down next to it, picks up the receiver, and dials a number. The phone on the other end rings three or four times before someone picks up.

Male voice (with cockney accent): ‘Ello, Axl’s Piercing.

Daria: Yes. Um . . . I’d like to make an appointment . . .



La la LA-la la

~~~ { Finis }~~~


Authors Notes:

Assuming anyone’s interested, this story was started July 13, 2002 and finished on March 16, 2003, so it took me a hell of a while. This is actually the first Daria story that I ever started, but it hit a point where it stalled for a long time as I tried to work around the initial scene that this story began growing out of, a decidedly more dramatic version of the “Daria Discovered” scene. I quickly came to the conclusion that a dramatic route was not the one to take with this story, at least not one so heavy as I had initially started with. I got that out of my system with “Something Didn’t Happen” and “Daria we have to talk.”

I decided that something had to go on after the Homecoming events shown in “I Loathe a Parade,” a hotly contested stretch of in time, I’m sure (I have no proof of this, since I so new to the biz). So I made the assumption, for continuity’s sake, that “I Loathe a Parade” and “Of Human Bonding” took place within the same week. I also borrowed rather heavily from Daria’s speech to Tom in DDMD, having her throw a different version of it in Jane’s face. It makes sense, to me anyway, that a “low yield” version of that speech would have come out at some point in time.

I don’t know what kind of reaction that readers are going to have to how I portrayed Daria’s cutting loose while under the influence. It was an interesting experiment to come up with, I have to admit. I will also have to admit, as far as alcohol is concerned, I’m a lightweight in knowledge and resistance, and wouldn’t know Texas Everclear from a pitcher of kool-aid. Which might just be a good thing, depending on how you look at it. As far as the very end goes . . . Well, I don’t think that we ever found out weather or not that she didn’t go back to Axl’s, so who knows?


Well, that’s enough of that, I think. Thank You one and all for reading my story.

Questions? Comemnts? Even better - a route to Lawndale??

Send ‘em to Greystar@Hotmail.com

And Fan Art! I’d really love it if someone drew some fan art! Really!

Legal Drek: Daria and her cohorts are property of MTV and Viacom

This story is Copyright March, 2003