Swing Happy 
by Prindora

Monday, third period.  Daria and Jane are in gym class.

Gym Teacher:  Okay girls, today we will be meeting with the gentlemen for our
unit of square dancing.

Daria:  Great, it's only the 1st session and I can already feel Hell desending
upon us.

Jane:  (aside to Daria)  (Sarcastically)  Maybe you'll be partners with sexy
Upchuck.

Daria scowels

Gym Teacher:  Remember girls, this unit will be graded on participation and
effort, not necessarily skill.  So smile and try to enjoy yourselves.

The class stares back with deadpan expressions.

Boy's gum class enters gym.

Gym T:  Okay, girls, now that the boys are here, line up for the "Grand March"
so you can meet up with your partner.

Boy's Gym T:  Hey kids, since I can't find the record for the "grand March"
song, we'll be using the "macarena" instead.

Boys and girls groan.

Music begins.  Boy's Gym Teacher bobs his head to the beat and does his own
pathetic version of the macarena.

The lines procede, finally, Daria and Jane hook up with their partners for the
day.  Daria is with Kevin,  Jane is with Upchuck.

The couples are placed into squares.

Boy's Gym T:  Okay kids, the first song we will be dancing to is called "Swing
Happy".  In this dance, listen to the caller carefully.  There are several
calls for swinging so watch out!

Record:  Honor your partner, bow to your corner. 
             Gentlemen, swing your honey go round and round.
             Swing happy, you're having a happy time.
             Take a right to your partner...

Kevin: (to Daria)  Wait,  which is my right (looks at hands, offers his left)

Daria:  (to Kevin)  Other right, Kevin.

Record:   Promenade your partner and go home and swing your honey
              Swing happy, you're having a happy time.

Daria: I am *not* having a happy time.

We hear scuffling in the background.

Jane: Upchuck, if you touch me like that again, I'll scratch your eyes out.

Upchuck:  Rrrowl. Fiesty.

After school, Daria and Jane are walking home.

Jane: I think that we should protest against dancing in gym class. 

Daria:  Protest to who?  Besides, it wasn't so bad.  One class down,  fifteen
more days in Purgatory left to go.

The girls separate and go to their respective houses.

Daria enters the kitchen where Quinn and Helen are talking.

Helen:  Oh Quinn, I've just found a way for you and Daria to earn an extra-
curricular activity for college.  The staff at the retirement home needs young
people to teach the residents how to square dance.

Quinn:  Evvw!  I don't want to be around old people!

Daria:  Just think Quinn, you'll be able to look just like them in sixty
years.

Quinn:  Mom!  Make her stop!

Helen: Daria, this is a chance for you to get out and meet new people/

Daria:  And a chance to get ogled by some dirty old men.

Two weeks late at Sunnydale retirement home.  Helen has coerced Daria to teach
the class.
Daria stands up in front of the class, most of whom are beginning to fall
asleep.  Just as Daria is about to begin, she is interupted.

1st old man:  Do you really want to teach us or are you just getting an extra-
curricular activity for college.

Daria:  Well, I...

Old Lady:  Hey dearie,  you know how to drive?

Daria: That depends on your definition of "driving"

2nd old lady:  Damn it, kid.  Just tell us if you can drive!

Daria:  Yes.

2nd old man:  Well what are you waiting for?!  Take us to the bowling alley so
we can get out of this hellhole.

Closing scene:  Daria and the old folks bowling at the local alley.

THE END