"Suite Seventeen"

A second season Daria episode by CF
Inspired by an article by Sara Glassman
April 2004

Synopsis: Daria's padded cell-like bedroom is featured in teenage fashion magazine Seventeen.

[Opening credits]

la-la LA la-la
This is my stop
Got to get off
I may go pop
Excuse me
Excuse me
I've got to be direct
If I'm wrong please correct
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck
la-la LA la-la

[Caption: Daria in Suite Seventeen]

[Scene: The office of Lawndale High School Psychologist Margaret Manson. She and Daria are seated at the interview table]

Daria: ... and they're cruel. They make me sleep in a padded cell.

Mrs. Manson: [with forced calmness] Now, Daria, you know very well that one of the reasons you were sent to see me was your tendency to tell ... er ... tall tales.

Daria: Oh, and there are bars on the windows!

[Mrs. Manson looks annoyed. Daria looks pleased with herself]

[Scene: Quinn Morgendorffer's bedroom. Quinn is lying on her bed reading a magazine]

Quinn: [to herself] "Do you have a great room?" ... Yes!

[She squints at the page]

Quinn: Why do they have to make the writing so small?

[She moves her face closer to the magazine]

Quinn: "We'd like to see photos of it, and maybe feature it in Seventeen. Send pics to ..." [squints harder] Oh, it's no good!

[She gives up reading in disgust and turns to look at her bedside table]

[Zoom in to close up of reading glasses on the table as Quinn's hand reaches for them]

[Scene: Brief fantasy image of Quinn wearing Daria's glasses]

Quinn: Blech!

[Quinn snatches her hand back and resumes squinting at the magazine]

[Scene: Daria's bedroom. Daria is lying on her bed reading a book]

[There's a tentative knock on the door]

Quinn: Uh, Daria?

Daria: Not interested!

[Quinn enters]

Quinn: I was kind of wondering ...

Daria: [interrupting] Don't wanna hear it!

Quinn: [quickly] I just want to borrow your camera.

Daria: [suspiciously] Why?

[Quinn hands Daria the magazine, folded open at the relevant page]

Daria: [reading aloud] "Your Room."

[Daria gives Quinn a withering look. Quinn smiles nervously]

Daria: "Send pics to Seventeen, 850 Third Avenue, New York. Sorry, pics will not be returned." Well at least there's something to be grateful for!

[Daria stares at Quinn with annoyance. Quinn's nervous smile becomes a nervous giggle]

[Scene: Jane Lane's bedroom. Daria is lying on Jane's bed with an open book on her lap. Jane is painting intently]

Daria: ... and then she gets my camera and wastes my film taking pictures of the crap in her room while going on about how famous she's gonna be!

Jane: [distracted] Well, it would be a feather in her highly-fashionable chapeau if she got an article published in a magazine ... before you do.

Daria: [angry] Hey, it's not like she's writing anything!

Jane: [realizing her faux pas] Oh, right! And anyway, it's not fair. It's not like your room would stand a chance.

Daria: [even angrier] What's that supposed to mean!? I thought you liked my room?

Jane: I do! Sheesh! I just meant that your room isn't the sort that would normally appeal to a teen mag!

Daria: [muttering loudly] It's not my fault my room belonged to a mad woman.

Jane: [under her breath] And it doesn't now?

[Daria looks furious. They return to their respective hobbies in silence]

[Scene: Daria's bedroom. Daria is pacing up and down]

[She stops, evidently having reached a decision. She goes over to the chest of drawers near her bed. The camera is sitting on top, next to her wedge-of-cheese model. She presses the timer button]

[Scene: The camera's perspective. Daria walks back to the middle of her room, and stands facing the camera, feet apart, arms crossed (the classic "Daria" pose)]

[There's a flash and we see the image of Daria standing in her room framed like a photograph, as it will later appear in Seventeen magazine]

[Scene: Margaret Manson's office. She and Daria are seated]

Mrs. Manson: Now, Daria, have you had a chance to think over that story you told me about your bedroom?

Daria: [apologetically] Yes, ...

[Mrs. Manson looks pleased that progress is being made]

Daria: [suddenly brightening] ... and I realized that I forgot to tell you there are human bones all over the floor!

[Mrs. Manson looks angry. Daria gives a Mona Lisa smile]

[Scene: The Morgendorffer's kitchen. Daria, Helen and Jake are eating. Quinn enters, carrying an envelope]

Quinn: Look everyone, I've got the pictures of my room for the magazine.

Helen: That's nice, dear.

[Quinn sits and starts sorting through the photos]

Quinn: This one shows how well coordinated my wardrobe is, but this one gives a better view of the gifts from my many admirers, while this one ... Urk!

[Quinn holds up a photo between two fingers]

Quinn: How did this get in here?

[Daria snatches the photo from Quinn's hand]

Daria: Surprise! I'm submitting a picture of my room too.

Jake: Good for you, kiddo!

Quinn: Mu-ohm! Tell Daria that she's not allowed to send in a picture of her horrible room!

Helen: Now, Quinn, don't begrudge your sister an opportunity to express herself.

[Helen looks closely at the photo, lying on the table]

Helen: [to Daria] Although it would have been nicer if you'd let me redecorate before you took the photo.

Quinn: Yeah! I mean, why does she have to have a room like that anyway?

Helen: Now, sweetie, you know it's not your sister's fault. Her room used to belong to a very disturbed woman.

Quinn: Like it doesn't now!?

Helen: [admonishing] Quinn!

[Close up of a very angry looking Daria]

[Scene: Margaret Manson's office]

[Daria and Mrs. Manson are seated, facing each other across the table, leaning forward. Mrs. Manson is frowning, Daria is expressionless. They are evidently locked in a battle of wills]

[Several seconds pass in tense silence before Daria abruptly speaks up]

Daria: There's a television, but it's bolted to the ceiling, out of my reach.

Mrs. Manson: [threateningly] Daria!

Daria: And the remote is missing!

[Mrs. Manson slumps back in her chair with a groan]

[Scene: The Morgendorffer's living room. Helen is sitting alone on the couch reading some briefs]

[The phone rings]

Helen: Hellooo ... Yes, but she's not in right now ... Uh, huh ... Oh, that's wonderful ... Uh,huh ... Yes, we'll see you then. Goodbye.

[Daria enters the room just as Helen is hanging up]

Helen: Daria, there was a call for you from a Sara at Seventeen magazine. She says they want to do a feature on your bedroom! Isn't that thrilling!?

[Daria remains expressionless and silent]

Helen: And she said that she's going to come out here to see you in person on Saturday!

[An expectant pause. Daria still says nothing]

Helen: Hmm ... And we've got just enough time to do some emergency redecorating before she gets here.

Daria: [wide-eyed with horror] NO!

[Helen smirks knowingly]

[Scene: Jane's bedroom. Daria and Jane are sitting on the edge of the bed watching television]

SSW announcer: Cheapskate executives saving rent by sleeping in their offices! It's boardroom and board, tonight on Sick, Sad World!

Daria: So I managed to steal Quinn's thunder, but now I'm forced to spend the day with a hack from a fashion mag.

Jane: Hey, didn't you tell me that you used to be a fashion reporter? You can compare notes!

[Daria gives Jane a sour look]

[Sound effect: Doorbell. Scene: The Morgendorffer's front door. Daria is opening it to admit Sara. Sara is twenty-something, blonde, attractive, dressed simply]

Sara: [brightly] Daria! I recognize you from your photo!

Daria: [unenthusiastically] Hi.

[Scene: The Morgendorffer's upstairs hallway. Daria and Sara are walking towards Daria's room]

Sara: ... and we don't usually interview people for "Your Room" in person, but when I saw the picture of your room I just had to see it for myself!

[They pass Quinn's bedroom. Quinn can be seen through the doorway posing cutely on her bed, surrounded by her stuffed animals. Daria and Sara ignore her]

Daria: [glumly] Here it is.

[Ominous music plays as the door to Daria's room creaks open. The scene pans rapidly past the various creepy items in Daria's room, skull and bones on the floor, sawn-off bars on the windows, heart model, etc, before alighting on Daria and Sara standing in the doorway]

Sara: [impressed rather than scared] Wow!

[Scene: Inside Daria's bedroom. Sara is walking around with a notepad examining Daria's artifacts]

Daria: You like it?

Sara: Sure! We get pictures of rooms like your sister's all the time. This is something special!

[Daria looks more relaxed]

Sara: [looking at Daria's Kafka poster] Metamorphosis, right?

Daria: [impressed] You know that? I mean, yeah, the guy's a hero. Who doesn't love giant cockroaches?

[Sara steps over Daria's bone collection]

Daria: [more cooperative] Those are just there to remind me not to get too caught up in dieting.

Sara: [pointing to Daria's chemistry set with her pencil] And this?

Daria: I've been studying some of Quinn's brain cells, to see if they were ever alive.

[Sara gives Daria a skeptical look]

Daria: And it's useful for developing biological weapons!

Sara: Uh, huh. [staring at Daria's partially-unearthed skeleton poster] You have a lot of bones around the place.

Daria: Hey, I just want something cheerful to wake up to.

[Eyebrows raised, Sara makes rapid notes]

[Scene: The Morgendorffer's upstairs hallway. Daria and Sara are walking away from Daria's room]

Daria: [now quite talkative] Of course, the padding prevents eavesdroppers, and protects me when Quinn's actions force me to bang my head against the wall.

[They pass Quinn's room. Quinn is still posing desperately. They ignore her again]

Daria: Of course, I'd spend more time in my room if it wasn't for those truancy laws. My friend, Jane, thinks it's cool and Quinn is too scared to set foot in there, which is nice.

[Sara nods and keeps making notes]

Daria: Anyway, I'm planning to get more space ... once I get my family to move out!

[Scene: The Morgendorffer's front door. Daria is showing Sara out]

Sara: Well, goodbye Daria. It's been fun.

Daria: [surprised to admit it] Um, yeah. It was!

[As Sara turns to go Daria speaks up]

Daria: Um, I was wondering ...

Sara: Yes?

[Daria looks down at the notebook in Sara's hand]

Daria: [embarrassed to be serious for a change] Er, what's it like to be ... an author?

Sara: [smiling] Well, writing magazine articles isn't exactly high art, but it has its advantages.

Daria: Such as?

Sara: Such as getting to meet interesting people. Like you, Daria!

[Daria blushes as Sara walks out the door]

[Daria gets her notebook - which looks exactly like Sara's - out of her jacket pocket and starts writing]

[Scene: Outside Lacklustre Video. Daria and Jane are walking towards the pizza place]

Jane: So the evil purveyor of vapid propaganda from soulless cosmetics conglomerates wasn't so bad after all?

Daria: Actually she was kind of cool. She even sent me some tips on how get freelance articles published.

[They enter the pizza place, where everyone is conspicuously reading the latest issue of Seventeen. They walk past Kevin and Brittany]

Brittany: Wow, Kevvy! It says here that Daria's bedroom used to belong to a crazy lady.

Kevin: Soooo, ... you're saying it doesn't now?

[Close up of a very angry Daria]

[Scene: Margaret Manson's office. She is alone at her desk, reading.]

[We zoom in to see a perplexed look on her face and then pan to see that she's reading Daria's Seventeen article]

The End

[Music for closing credits: In Your Room by the Bangles]


  1. "Daria" and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc.
  2. "Seventeen" is a registered trademark owned by the PRIMEDIA Finance Corporation, licensed to PRIMEDIA Consumer Magazines.
  3. Quinn's reading glasses are mentioned in The Daria Diaries and are visible on her bedside table in many Daria episodes. It seems her vanity keeps her from ever wearing them.
  4. For the purposes of the story above we have assumed that Daria owns a still camera. In fact, although it is known that Daria has an interest in photography, there is no evidence that she has her own camera. In the Beavis and Butt-head episode Sporting Goods it is clear that the camera Daria is using belongs to the Highland High School newspaper. In the Daria episode The New Kid the camera she uses probably belongs to Lawndale High School's yearbook committee. In The Teachings of Don Jake she tells Quinn to "get the camera," obviously referring to the family's camera, rather than saying, "get my camera."
  5. The article in question was titled Daria's Pad and appeared in the July 1998 issue of Seventeen, page 72. It featured in the Your Room department, which publishes pictures and stories about readers' bedrooms. The article is interesting for three reasons. Firstly, it's funny. Secondly, it contains a superb picture of Daria standing in her bedroom. Thirdly, and most importantly, the article is written entirely within the context of the televised Daria universe. There is nothing in the article (except for a brief nod to MTV) to suggest that Daria is not a real girl, living in the real town of Lawndale. Maintaining this illusion makes the article especially enjoyable (and is in contrast to most other published Daria articles which are either about the television program itself, or portray Daria as an actress in that program). It is this aspect of the article that inspired the story above.
  6. There are a number of copies of the image from Seventeen's Daria's Pad article on the Internet. At the time of writing (March 2004) a low-resolution scanned version can be found at http://www.outpost-daria.com/media_art06.html. A different low-resolution version is available as http://www.geocities.com/daria198099/dariaroom.jpg. (Spectacular high-resolution versions were available on various Daria fan sites in the past. Sadly, these sites no longer seem to be on-line.) The picture faces the opposite way from the double-page spread of Daria's bedroom in The Daria Diaries, and thus shows items near the door such as Daria's writing desk, computer, Kafka poster, bookcase, bureau, skull paperweight, world globe, large crystal, and the "bone" poster on the back of her door (as well as various objects visible in The Daria Diaries such as her chemistry set, skeleton poster, box of human bones, and wall padding).
  7. Seventeen's Daria's Pad article was credited to Sara Glassman. The similarly-named but unrelated "Sara" in the story above is entirely fictional.
  8. Since the Seventeen article was published in 1998 we assume that this story takes place during Daria's second season. (It thus occurs before third season episode The Lost Girls, in which Daria also gets involved with a magazine for teenagers, which is a shame since it would have been nice to base Daria's expectations for Sara on her encounter with Val magazine's Val.)
  9. Daria memorably yelled "What's that supposed to mean!?" at Jane during the 1998 Daria Day marathon when Jane dared question the effectiveness of Daria's anger management classes.
  10. The Daria Diaries notes that the remote control for the "bolted" television in Daria's room is missing. (It's not stated whether the television itself works or not.)
  11. Daria was made fashion reporter for The Highland Herald in the Beavis and Butt-head episode Sporting Goods.
  12. The scene above where Sara interviews Daria is based on the quotes attributed to Daria in Seventeen's Daria's Pad article. The dialogue is not a verbatim copy, however, on the assumption that Sara would paraphrase Daria's comments when writing the article.