STUPID IS AS STUPID REALLY DOES

By

Patrick Moore

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Apologies to Mike Judge, Glen Eichler, and Susie Lewis Lynn.

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Daria and related characters are a trademark of MTV.

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ACT ONE: REUNION FROM HELL

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(Scene opens in Mr. Buzzcut’s classroom at Highland High School.)

MR. BUZZCUT- Today we are going to learn about the good and the bad of sex! Some of you are maturing, while some of you are so perverted by women your penises would be the sizes of already chewed bubble gum! (Buzzcut looks at two teenage boys sleeping in his class. The boys are really our favorite idiots, Beavis and Butt-Head.) WAKE UP, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!

(Beavis and Butt-Head wake up and laugh.)

BUTT-HEAD- Is school over?

BEAVIS- Let’s get some nachos.

MR. BUZZCUT- If you two idiots studied for yesterday’s test, you wouldn’t be sleeping in my class all the time! I hope you keep awake for what I have planed for this class!

BUTT-HEAD- I hope it ain’t one of those damn health films with the stupid Disney cartoons in them.

BEAVIS- Jar Jar Binks sucks.

BUTT-HEAD- He wasn’t a Disney character, asswipe.

MR. BUZZCUT- It’s sex, you little dorks!

BUTT-HEAD- Why didn’t you say so?

BEAVIS- Are there going to be nude chicks from porn magazines?

MR. BUZZCUT- No! If you two don’t want to learn safe sex, then you can get your asses out of my class.

(Principal McVicker enters the classroom.)

MR. MCVICKER- What the hell is going on here?

MR. BUZZCUT- What do you think?

MR. MCVICKER- Beavis and Butt-Head, you two morons are going to get it now! I’m sending you two numbskulls to another school.

BUTT-HEAD- Is it an all-girls school?

BEAVIS- Then we can score.

(Scene changes to the teacher’s lounge where Mr. McVicker is holding a meeting with the other teachers.)

MR. MCVICKER- The time has come to get rid of those idiots once and for all!

MR. VAN DRESIEN- Give Beavis and Butt-Head a chance to change the error of their ways. The boys may need to go to remedial classes.

MR. MCVICKER- I got it! I know the perfect school to send those dolts to.

MR. BUZZCUT- Where’s that?

MR. MCVICKER- Lawndale High School.

(Scene changes to a week later at Lawndale High School where Daria and Jane are walking the school hallway.)

JANE- Did you see "Downtown" last night?

DARIA- I was forced to watch a rerun of "7^th Heaven" with my family.

JANE- It must be Family Night again at the Morgendorffers.

DARIA- Mom thinks that the family show is getting killed by the likes of wrestling and adult animation.

JANE- Want to go with me to the video store and rent "Rouge Nun III?"

DARIA- Sure.

JANE- And I may rent "Ace Ventura Saves Christmas" again.

DARIA- Nothing can ruin my day now.

(Scene changes to Mr. O’Neill’s classroom.)

MR. O’NEILL- I hope you did your homework last night, because we’re going to watch a video.

(The class cheers.)

MR. O’NEILL- We’re going to watch the film version of Jane Austin’s novel "Emma."

(The class groans.)

(Cut to Daria and Jane.)

JANE- (To Daria.) I thought we were going to watch "Clueless" again?

DARIA- (To Jane.) It’s better than watching another lame "Police Academy" movie.

(Ms. Li enters the classroom.)

MS. LI- I have some great news for you students.

JANE- We’re finally going on a decent field trip?

MS. LI- We have two new students all the way from Highland. Let’s all give a Lawndale High welcome to Beavis and Butt-Head.

DARIA- What did she just say?

(Beavis and Butt-Head enter the classroom.)

(Daria puts a paper bag over her head.)

JANE- Daria, what are you doing with a paper bag over your head?

DARIA- Why here? Can’t those two jerks go to Riverdale and mess with Archie and the gang?

JANE- Do you know those new kids?

DARIA- Let’s just say that those two made my life a living hell back in Highland.

(Ms. Li walks up to Daria.)

MS. LI- Ms. Morgendorffer, please take that bag off you head this instant!

(Daria takes off the paper bag.)

DARIA- You have freed Pandora’s Box, Ms. Li. Hell has come to Earth and their names are Beavis and Butt-Head. If you let them stay here, those two will cause more chaos here as they do in Highland.

(Beavis and Butt-Head walk up to Daria.)

BUTT-HEAD- Beavis, it’s Diarrhea!

BEAVIS- I thought she was dead?

DARIA- I moved away, so I don’t have to see you two morons anymore.

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD- Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha. Diarrhea Cha cha cha.

DARIA- I really hate that chant.

(Scene changes to Daria and Jane walking the school’s hallway.)

JANE- So you knew this Beavis and Butt-Head since your days in Highland? Why do you hate those guys anyway?

DARIA- They’re complete idiots and those two will never score.

JANE- If those two are so stupid, why do you help them?

DARIA- All those two think is sex and girls, that’s why they’re so stupid.

JANE- Speaking of those two, where are they?

(Daria turns around to see that Beavis and Butt-Head are not there with them.)

DARIA- Where did those two meatheads get to now?

(Cut to the inside of the girl’s bathroom where Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy are doing their makeup.)

QUINN- And Jason told me that I have wonderful eyes.

STACY- Does anyone want to come to my party this Saturday night?

SANDI- When did you start having parties, Stacy?

STACY- My mom said I could have a party this weekend, as long I can have more than nine friends there.

TIFFANY- I’m in.

QUINN- Me too.

VOICE- Us too, and show us your boobs.

VOICE 2- Shut up, butt-munch!

(The girls turn around to see Beavis and Butt-Head behind them.)

QUINN- Oh no! Not you two again!

SANDI- Get the hell out of here, you perverts!

BEAVIS- Kiss me, Quinn.

QUINN- I don’t know how Daria got you two to Lawndale, but you idiots better get out of our bathroom, or I'm going to kill you with my bare hands!

BUTT-HEAD- I love you, Quinn.

QUINN- DARIA!

(Daria and Jane enter after they hear Quinn’s scream.)

DARIA- What happened?

QUINN- What are Beavis and Butt-Head doing in Lawndale?

DARIA- I too have the same question.

QUINN- You better get rid of them, before Mom finds out! Remember what they did to Mom’s car?

DARIA- I’m trying to forget that incident.

QUINN- Get rid of them!

DARIA- Come on, you pinheads.

(Daria, Jane, Beavis, and Butt-Head leave.)

STACY- Who where those two boys, Quinn?

QUINN- Satan’s lost kids. What does Daria see in those two losers?

STACY- I think the blonde one is kind of cute.

SANDI- Stacy, why do you think that pervert is cute?

STACY- I think I’m in love with Beaver.

QUINN- That’s Beavis.

STACY- Whatever. I think he’s kind of cute.

QUINN- He’s an idiot, Stacy. Beavis and his peon of a friend are nothing but bad news.

STACY- I don’t care. I still love him.

QUINN- It’s your funeral, Stacy.

(A Scene change to the front room of the Morgendoffers as Helen is watching TV as Jake enters.)

JAKE- What are you doing home so early, Helen?

HELEN- You know that I have three days vacation today, Jake. For once I want nothing to ruin my day.

(Daria, Beavis, and Butt-Head enter.)

DARIA- Guess who followed me home today?

(Helen turns to see Beavis and Butt-Head and screams.)

JAKE- What’s wrong, Helen? Did Linda Griffin send Fluffy to do her thing here again?

HELEN- Worse.

(Jake spots Beavis and Butt-Head.)

JAKE- If it isn’t my old pals, Beavis and Butt-Head.

DARIA- Pals?

HELEN- Jake, don’t make friends with these hellions!

JAKE- What did these two wonderful boys do to you, Helen?

HELEN- Those two cretins were swatting flies of my car!

JAKE- With flyswatters?

HELEN- Try sledgehammers! (Turns to Daria.) Daria, I want you to get rid of those two pains in the ass out of this house.

DARIA- They’re too stupid to live in a hotel.

HELEN- Let them live with the Lanes. Since Amanda’s three kids are gone, Jane and Trent could have some little roommates.

DARIA- I hope they survive.

JAKE- Beavis and Butt-Head?

DARIA- Jane and Trent.

(Fade to black as we see the Beavis and Butt-Head logo.)

TV ANNOUNCER- Beavis and Butt-Head shall return, my brothers.

DARIA’S VOICE- This is my show, not there’s.

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ACT TWO- HELL COMES TO CASA LANE

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(Scene opens in Trent’s room where he and Jesse are working on a new song.)

TRENT- We got to think of a new song for tomorrow’s gig at the Zen.

JESSE- We haven’t worked on a new one since that Tommy Sherman tree incident.

TRENT- Where are Nick and Max?

JESSE- They’ll be here.

(Jane enters.)

JANE- What’s up?

TRENT- Trying to work on a new song.

JANE- Mom wants you to help her with her clean her kiln.

TRENT- I’ll do it in a few.

JANE- She needs it done now. Her art club meeting is coming over tonight.

(Amanda enters with Daria, Beavis, and Butt-Head.)

AMANDA- Guess who’s here to visit?

JANE- (To Daria.) Daria, what are dumb and dumber doing here?

DARIA- Mom and Quinn don’t want them at the house, so I brought them to you to keep.

JANE- My mom is having her art club over here tonight. I don’t think it’s a good time of bringing…

AMANDA- I like having company over here. I think it’s a good idea of having these two nice boys over here for awhile.

DARIA- It’s your funeral, Mrs. Lane.

AMANDA- What did you say, Daria?

DARIA- Never mind.

(Scene changes an hour later as Beavis and Butt-Head are watching TV in Jane’s room.)

TV ANNOUNCER- What happens when panda bears don’t get bamboo? They get a taste for blood. Flesh Eating Pandas on the next "Sick, Sad World."

BEAVIS- This sucks. Change it.

BUTT-HEAD- Flesh eating pandas rule, Beavis.

BEAVIS- Those pandas are cute, and I hate cute!

BUTT-HEAD- I’m hungry. Beavis, go get some nachos.

BEAVIS- Go get them yourself, fartknocker.

BUTT-HEAD- Don’t let me lay the smackdown on you, Beavis.

(Beavis leaves.)

(Cut to Beavis in the kitchen looking for the nacho chips; He finds them and pours them in a big bowl, then he puts in the microwave, but the bowl doesn’t fit.)

(Butt-Head enters.)

BUTT-HEAD- Where are the nachos, butt-munch?

BEAVIS- I can’t get the nachos warm.

BUTT-HEAD- You forgot the cheese, ass-master.

(Butt-Head puts lots and lots of cheese on the nacho chips.)

BEAVIS- How are we going to nuke them?

BUTT-HEAD- I know where there’s a big oven. Come on.

(Cut to Beavis and Butt-Head putting the nachos in Amanda’s kiln.)

BUTT-HEAD- Now all we have to do is play the waiting game.

BEAVIS- Can we play Mortal Kombat first?

(Scene changes to Daria’s room where she is reading a book. Just then, Quinn and Stacy enter.)

QUINN- Daria, Stacy wants to know where Beavis is.

DARIA- Why would she want to see that space goof?

STACY- I’m in love with him.

(Daria begins to laugh.)

QUINN- Daria, I’ve never seen you laugh before.

(Daria stops laughing.)

DARIA- Your point being?

QUINN- Never mind. Do you think that Stacy and Beavis are going to be an item?

DARIA- Look at Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

QUINN- Good point.

STACY- But I love Beavis.

DARIA- Life is like a box of chocolate covered peanuts.

QUINN- What does that mean?

DARIA- This is Beavis and Butt-Head we’re talking about.

(Stacy leaves.)

QUINN- Stacy, wait.

DARIA- Forget her.

QUINN- What?

DARIA- By the end of this episode, Stacy would forget her twisted love life with Beavis. Trust me.

(Scene changes to the Lane’s living room where Amanda and her art club members are talking; one of the members is Ms. DeFoe.)

(Jane enters running.)

JANE- (To Amanda.) Mom, have you seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

MS. DEFOE- Hello, Jane.

JANE- (To DeFoe.) Hello. (Turns to her mother.) Those nimrods are missing.

AMANDA- I thought they were in your room?

JANE- Trent says they aren’t in his room.

(Suddenly, we hear a loud bang coming from Amanda’s art room.)

AMANDA- That’s coming from my art room downstairs.

(Jane, Amanda, and Ms. DeFoe run towards the art room. When they got there, the whole room was covered in cheese and nacho chips.)

AMANDA- (Shouting.) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

(Amanda spots Beavis and Butt-Head also covered in cheese.)

BEAVIS- Nachos are done.

BUTT-HEAD- This is so cool.

AMANDA- (Still angry.) What have you two done to may art room?

BEAVIS- Your oven blew up.

JANE- That wasn’t an oven, you idiots, that a kiln for clay.

AMANDA- Jane, get these bastards out of this house!

BEAVIS- Does this mean we don’t eat our nachos?

AMANDA- OUT!

(Beavis and Butt-Head leave.)

(Trent enters.)

TRENT- (Looks at the cheese covered art room.) Why is the art room smell like cheese?

(The scene fades to black as we see the Beavis and Butt-Head logo.)

ANNOUNCER- When we return, Beavis learns about butterflies, and Butt-Head clips their wings.

DARIA’S VOICE- It’s my show, moron. Their show got cancelled, remember?

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ACT THREE- BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD GO HOME…I HOPE.

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(Scene changes two weeks later in the hallway of Lawndale High School where Daria and Jane are at their lockers.)

JANE- It’s been two weeks since Beavis and Butt-Head have been here in Lawndale, and they haven’t been in any trouble.

DARIA- Is your mom still trying to scrap off the cheese in her art room?

JANE- It still smells like cheddar. Daria, we got to get rid of those dopes, before Lawndale goes to hell.

DARIA- Mom’s still taking those painkillers for what they did to our windows. Everyone here likes Beavis and Butt-Head, except for Sandi, Tiffany, Quinn, and Andrea, Brittany…

JANE- So all the girls don’t like them?

DARIA- Bingo.

JANE- There’s only one person who can save us now.

DARIA- You don’t mean…

JANE- That’s right.

DARIA- How do we get her to help us with our little idiot problem?

(Cut to another part of the hallway where Stacy is holding flowers. Just then, the rest of the Fashion Club enters.)

SANDI- Stacy, what are you doing?

STACY- Waiting for my boyfriend.

QUINN- Beavis is an idiot, Stacy. He wants to score with you.

STACY- I still love him. I don’t care what you say about him.

(Beavis and Butt-Head enter. Beavis is singing "Lesbian Seagulls" from the boys’ movie.)

STACY- That was a nice song, Beavis.

SANDI- He was singing about lesbians, Stacy.

STACY- I still love it. (Stacy gives Beavis the flowers.)

BEAVIS- What’s this?

STACY- For our love, darling.

QUINN- Darling?

BEAVIS- What are you talking about? I don’t love you. I want babes.

STACY- (Frowns.) It’s babes you want, and babes you’re going to get!

(Stacy punches Beavis in the stomach.)

STACY- Take that, you pervert!

(Ms. Barch enters.)

MS. BARCH- I see you been paying attention in my self-defense class, Ms. Rowe. (Turns to Beavis.) And as for you, my pervert friend, that should teach to mess with young girls for your child pornography crap!

(Ms. Barch and the Fashion Club leave.)

BUTT-HEAD- Beavis, you wussy.

BEAVIS- Shut up, Butt-Head.

(Scene changes to the cafeteria where Daria and Jane are eating lunch.)

DARIA- I heard that the Stacy/Beavis relationship is finally over.

JANE- Now all we have to do is get rid of the virus that started it all.

DARIA- But how?

(Trent enters.)

TRENT- Hey Janny.

JANE- Trent, what are you doing here?

TRENT- I’m here to invite you to the Zen to hear Mystik Spiral’s newest hit song.

JANE- You finally wrote a new song. What’s the name of it?

TRENT- "Diarrhea"

JANE- A song about stomach flu.

DARIA- That not what he means.

TRENT- I should thank you, Daria, for my idea for the song.

DARIA- You should thank Beavis and Butt-Head. It was there’s.

TRENT- Who?

JANE- The morons who made a mess of Mom’s art room two weeks ago.

TRENT- Oh.

(Jodie enters.)

JODIE- There’s this idiot calling himself the Great Cornholio telling everyone for TP for his bunghole.

DARIA- Oh no.

JODIE- What is it, Daria?

DARIA- It’s Beavis doing Cornholio again. I hate when he does that.

(Cut to Beavis walking towards Kevin and Brittany.)

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO- I’m the Great Cornholio. Got TP for my bunghole?

KEVIN- What are you talking about, Beavis?

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO- Are you threatening me? TP for my bunghole.

BRITTANY- Get away from us, you wacko.

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO- TP for my bunghole.

(Ms. Li walks up to Beavis/Cornholio.)

MS. LI- You need help young man.

(Beavis slaps Li on her hand.)

BEAVIS/CORNHOLIO- Are you threatening me? I need TP for my bunghole.

MS. LI- (Frowns.) That’s it! You and Mr. Butt-Head are going back to Highland!

(Ms. Li carries Beavis and Butt-Head away.)

JANE- Is it over, Daria?

DARIA- Unless they make another guest appearance on my show again.

(Scene changes to Daria and Jane at the Zen.)

JANE- I can’t believe that Trent wrote a song about you.

DARIA- It was Beavis and Butt-Head who thought of it in the first place. With those two back in Highland, Lawndale can return to normal.

(Cut to Mystik Spiral on stage.)

TRENT- Our next song is dedicated to a good friend of my sister, and her two friends, Beaver and Butt-Boy.

(The music plays.)

TRENT AND JESSE- (Singing.) Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha. Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha.

(Cut back to Daria and Jane.)

JANE- Well?

DARIA- (Smirks while impersonating Forest Gump.) Stupid is as stupid really does.

(Closing credits roll as we hear the Isaac Hayes version of the Beavis and Butt-Head theme song in the background.)

(As the credits ended, we see Mr. McVicker walking the hallways of Highland High School, when he sees Beavis and Butt-Head walking towards him.)

MR. MCVICKER- It can’t be them. (The boys walk up to him.) I thought I got rid of you idiots long ago.

BEAVIS- We’re baaaaaack.

BUTT-HEAD- We got transferred.

MR. MCVICKER- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(McVicker runs away.)

BEAVIS- What’s with him?

BUTT-HEAD- Must be watching too much MTV.

(Beavis and Butt-Head laugh as we fade to black.)

THE END

THIS HAS BEEN A PUMPKINHEAD PRODUCTION