Author's Note: Daria and its associated characters are the property of MTV/Viacom. This was not written for money or any other compensation. It is only fanfic and written for the pure enjoyment of it.


Scarlett the Fairy Goes out for Pizza

by Aloysius


One fine day, Scarlett the Fairy decided that she wanted to have a pizza. Not just any pizza, either, but a Chicago-style stuffed crust pizza, filled with pepperoni, mushrooms and fresh spinach. The main problem with that, however, is that the further away you get from Chicago, the less likely you are to actually find such a pizza.

And Lawndale is nowhere near Chicago.

Now, Lawndale has some good pizza establishments, but even they aren't able to make such a pizza. So naturally, Scarlett was in a pickle.

Well, maybe she's not actually in a pickle, but Scarlett has been pickled before, if you remember that particular incident. I know that Kevin Thompson remembers it. He even remembers being Tasered while in his underwear.

But that's another story.

One time, a Lawndale pizza place claimed that they could make such a pizza and that they could do it better than any establishment in Chicago ever could. So Scarlett ordered one and tried it.

Just for the record, a New York-style thin crust pizza is NOT the same thing as a Chicago-style stuffed crust pizza. The management of that particular restaurant found that little tidbit out when Scarlett went in and personally complained about it.

You know, for the next six months, they were still finding pizza sauce and mozzarella cheese from that one complaint session.

Not only that, but the security video from that night ended up on the Internet. You wouldn't think that a 14-inch tall fairy could kick someone between the legs that hard, or that she could even beat up three full-grown men at once, but Scarlett really doesn't like being deceived by an ad.

But that's also another story.

It is common knowledge to any pizza lover that you can mail order any Chicago-style pizza. Sometimes you can even buy them in your local grocery stores. But, as I've said in the past, Scarlett cannot bake anything to save her life, though she has tried.

On a related note, did you know that there's no market for flavored charcoal? Just ask the folks at Kingsford or Royal Oak if you don't believe me.

On another related note, did you also know that burnt pepperoni tastes exactly like burnt bacon? It's true, it really does. While Scarlett actually likes that, it really doesn't taste very good.

Now she could have settled for buying a chain store pizza, but in her point of view, ordering a pizza from a chain restaurant was like going to Germany to drink a Budweiser.

Isn't that just a silly idea? I know that I think it is, and Scarlett thinks so, too.

You might think that since fairies can conjure up a lot of things, Scarlett could just bring about such a pizza, as well. Well, while she can conjure up coins and paper bags, she cannot conjure up things she might actually like to eat...or even date.

That keeps Backflash's drummer safe, you know, though our young fairy is irritated by that.

Really, Scarlett can conjure up pizzas...if you call a frozen single-serving pizza topped with anchovies a pizza. Did you know that fairies believe that anchovies are a vegetable? I could tell you about the time that several fairies in Lawndale planted a field full of anchovies, hoping for a bumper crop.

Heck, they even planted the oiled capers that were in the tin with the little, salty fish.

That sure was a hot summer that year. There were so many cats around that field, you would have thought that there was a cheezburger convention in Lawndale.

But that's also another story.

Now, seeing that Scarlett the Fairy really wanted that particular pizza, the only option she had was to actually go to Chicago herself and buy one. So she decided to fly to the Windy City.

She actually didn't actually "fly" to Chicago, I might point out. Since she's a fairy, you would think that she could just fly from Lawndale to Chicago on personal wing power itself, wouldn't you? Well, that would take her at least three days, and that just isn't something a fairy would normally do, you know.

Now, since Lawndale is a suburb of Baltimore in this universe, Scarlett thought that she would be able to personally fly to Philadelphia at anytime. So, she flew to Philadelphia once. Boy, were her wings ever tired after that one.

Don't tell her that I told you about that, O.K.? She'll beat the crap out of me again. It's hard to believe that a 14-inch tall fairy could make me miss work like she did. At least I didn't have to get dentures or wear ice on my crotch, like certain people I could mention (coughKevincough).

So, fairies take airplanes when they want to go long distances, just like humans do. The only problem with that, however, is that fairies hate the ridiculous costs and all the troubles involved. Besides, they really hate the X-ray machines and full-body scanners. It plays havoc with their conjuring abilities. That's why they sneak aboard planes instead.

Scarlett flew to the nearest international airport and tried to figure out which of the planes was actually headed to Chicago.

As she flew around, she was more than a little flustered. After all, there were dozens of aircraft, ranging in size from small puddle-hoppers to large passenger airliners to various military jets. Whatever would she choose?

Finally, Scarlett settled on a smaller jet, one that was parked away from the major airline terminals. Since three men and one woman, all dressed in business suits, climbed aboard, she assumed that it was a corporate jet. Plus, she heard two of the men talk about eating at Superdawg. Everyone knows that Superdawg is located in the Chicago suburbs. Even fairies know that.

So, they had to be headed to Chicago, right?

Our young heroine flew inside the cabin just before the door was shut and secured; she hid herself under one of the seats as the passengers removed their jackets and settled in for the flight.

After five or more minutes, the jet took off, settled on a cruising altitude and flew away from the Lawndale area.

Normally, Scarlett would have wanted to sit on the pilot's right shoulder, so that she could watch everything outside, but she knew that she had to keep hidden. After all, many companies and airlines took a dim view of stowaways.

Once, a friend of Scarlett's was caught while being a stowaway and didn't get thrown off. She was however, given an excessive amount of what she thought was grape juice by the airplane's owner, who did finally take her to her destination.

A week later, however, a video titled The Naked Fairy was released, and that totally embarrassed that particular fairy when she found out what had happened.

In a related story, Washington State Police are still trying to figure out how the owner of that particular airplane ended up at Mount St. Helens with his head shoved into a vent hole. He looked like an ostrich hiding its head, according to the photos in the newspapers.

But that's another story.

Now, as the flight went on, Scarlett sat under one of the seats and listened to the four people as they talked about sales figures and international contracts and boring stuff like that.

So she promptly fell asleep. I would have, too, you know. After all, I fell asleep once in Economics class. Scarlett never fell asleep in class, though, because she knew that one always had to keep an eye on the human males in the class. One never knew just what kind of pranks they would pull when they had the chance. Though she had a good idea of what could happen.

One time, she woke up and listened. Two of the males were snoring as they slept in their seats, while the woman and the other man were talking and laughing in hushed voices from the back of the airplane cabin. The young fairy crawled out from under the seat, looked towards the back, and then quickly looked away.

Did you know that before that day, Scarlett the Fairy thought that the Mile High Club was some sort of fraternal organization based in Denver? Isn't that the funniest thing you ever heard of? I think so. Well, she knows better now. But don't ever ask her about it. She'll be really upset with you, and you don't want to find out what fairy fu is all about.

Well, since those two individuals were too busy dealing with their own probing questions, she was able to move to one of the windows and look outside.

Far below the plane, the young fairy could see the waves of what was a rough sea. After a moment of confusion, she thought that it was the surface of Lake Michigan and moved back under the seat. She put her fingers in her ears to avoid listening to the couple in the back and after an uncomfortable ten minutes, fell back asleep.

The jolt of the airplane landing woke Scarlett up and she suppressed the yawn that had built up inside her. Thankfully, all four humans were in their seats, fully dressed and wide awake. She sat up in her excitement and salivated at the thought of eating her stuffed pizza.

When the airplane finally pulled up to the terminal and stopped, Scarlett moved to an area behind a beverage station and watched as the door opened. After the passengers and flight crew left the plane, she quickly flew out and looked around.

The terminal was a long, straight building set up near a long runway. But the odd thing was that the grassy strip looked vastly out of place with the abundant sand and the palm trees.

Our young fairy then looked at the sign located above the terminal building. It read Welcome to Dubai in English and was accompanied with an Arabic script that said the same thing.


For several minutes, Scarlett the Fairy hovered near the welcome sign and stared at the metal in absolute confusion. Since she got good grades in Geography class, she knew where Dubai was, but she didn't comprehend how she got there. After all, she was supposed to be in a plane that was bound for Chicago, wasn't she? Why else would those two men be talking about Superdawg? Right?

What a dilemma for our young fairy. Whatever would she do?

You might think that since Scarlett is able to conjure up certain things, that she might even be able to "teleport" herself to Chicago, wouldn't you? Then she would have been able to avoid this unusual heat and the long flight itself.

Well, as far as teleporting goes, Scarlett is a fairy, not a transporter, dammit!

Oops, sorry about that. I just channeled Star Trek. At least, I didn't channel a Kirk/Spock shipper fanfic. I don't think there's enough brain bleach to deal with the aftermath of that.

If you must know, while Scarlett can conjure up such things as gold coins, or even a mansion plopped down on the shores of a very muddy lake in Kentucky, she cannot teleport herself.

Not for lack of trying, I might point out. The last time she tried to do that, however, was in an especially boring English literature class being taught by Mr. O'Neill. It worked - somewhat. At least for her skirt. It teleported neatly into her living room, where she found it later that day.

Fortunately for Scarlett, her pullover top was stretchable, at least until she could conjure herself up a wrap.

There are some things in life that will take your mind off of discussing Titus Andronicus in class, you should know. Like the long, slender legs of a redheaded fairy as she's trying to keep everyone from seeing too much of them.

I just hope she doesn't find out that I told you about that. I've always wondered if Ms. Li's security cameras caught them.

Besides, doesn't the word conjure sound funny? Doesn't it make you think of an unusual musical instrument? And now, for her solo on the conjure, Lowena Fluffernutter.

Oops, sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, yeah, we're back in Dubai with our rather confused young heroine.

By now, to say that Scarlett was also a little bit irritated would be an understatement. She had three concerns that were now at the forefront of her mind. First, how in the world would she get back home? Given her luck at picking airplanes, who knows where she would end up next?

Second, what were the customs of Dubai, especially concerning 14-inch tall female fairies? She had enough trouble dealing with the customs of the United States as it was. I mean, once when she was just a little fairy, she thought it was O.K. to fly around outside while dressed in just her underwear. Imagine her embarrassment when she showed up to school like that one day.

It took three hours, and the local police department, to stop that particular riot.

But that's another story.

Third, what about her Chicago-style stuffed crust pizza? She was still hungry for that pizza, and being in the Arabian peninsula didn't help her mood any.

True, she could get a pizza in Dubai itself, but to her mind, that would be even stranger than buying a Budweiser in Germany. Besides, the idea of getting a pizza with dates on it, and even no pepperoni whatsoever, made her cringe.

She flew on towards the terminal and once she got inside, looked around in some confusion. There was no pizza shop in sight, so she looked around for a muffin shop to tide her over.

Scarlett knew better than to look for a Bacon Explosion in Dubai.

Alas, while there were chain restaurants and coffee shops in abundance, there was nothing she actually wanted to eat. Oh, they had a muffin shop, but all they had in there were the lemon poppy-seed kind, and, to her mind, that was what you fed to rainbow ponies.

Sure enough, there were rainbow ponies there being fed the muffins. You get used to sights like that after awhile on a world with fairies, talking teddy bears and the like.

One odd thing that she noticed, though, was how the women were dressed. Those dressed in western-style clothing were also dressed conservatively, while the rest of the women wore burqas. Scarlett realized that despite how long her skirt was, it was still a bit revealing

So Scarlett conjured herself up a burqa, one colored charcoal gray, and promptly began to change her clothes. The only problem was that she changed into it right there in the air above the terminal concourse.

Needless to say, she quickly had an audience, including policemen with butterfly nets. Given how much Scarlett hated butterfly nets, she had a time trying to dress while avoiding being caught like a bug in a rug.

Have you ever wondered if catching a bug in a rug is the same as catching a cat in a hat? No? What about a fox with a lox?

Did you realize that axolotl has no rhyme?

Oops, where was I now? Oh, yes, we were with Scarlett as she flew around in a state of undress while trying to avoid policemen with butterfly nets. She finally got dressed and barely managed to escape the nets while she hovered out of reach.

Do you know how hard it is to fly around in a burqa? For some reason, Scarlett's attempts to fly took on a spiral pattern and she had to use all of her will power and abilities to keep from falling to the floor.

She finally reached a ceiling support brace, sat down on it and caught her breath. Then she saw the reason for her difficulties. When she had conjured up the burqa, she had forgotten to ensure that there was a hole for her left wing.

The young fairy muttered in irritation while she took off the confining garment and quickly made a hole for her wing.

That wasn't exactly her most ideal moment, you know. I mean, here she was doing emergency alterations to a thick and confining garment, while dressed in just her underwear.

You'd think that it would bring back memories of school to her, wouldn't you?

Then, as she put the burqa back on, Scarlett noticed the nearby catwalk. Fortunately, she also noticed the security officials on said catwalk as well, and flew off before they could catch her in a net.

Our young heroine quickly got the sense that she had overstayed her welcome and flew back outside to search for a jet that would take her somewhere, anywhere, just as long as it wasn't Dubai.

The first thing she did on reaching outside was to fly right into a camel.

No, not a cigarette, but the four-legged kind that had bad breath and could spit like no other animal.

Well, the collision addled our young heroine somewhat, and for a confusing half a minute, she wondered how a camel would look in flannel.

You'll never see a camel in a business suit, I should point out. They're strictly casual animals, you know.

Well, Scarlett avoided being spat upon (camels really hate being collided with) and flew off towards the various parked jets.

She settled on another corporate-looking jet that was being loaded at that moment by men and women in business suits. Her moment came when one man fell off the stairs and while everyone was looking at him, she zipped aboard the jet and hid in the back luggage compartment.

Our young fairy found herself sitting on a box of dried dates and waited another ten minutes until the jet began to move. When it took off and settled into a cruising altitude, she changed her burqa back into her usual pullover and long skirt and made herself comfortable. As she fell asleep, she pictured stuffed pizzas dancing around in the air above her.

A few minutes after she fell asleep, however, the stuffed pizzas turned into dancing camels being ridden by Arabic policemen with butterfly nets.

You'd think that Scarlett had imbibed in another Carling's Black Label, wouldn't you? No, you don't need that to have a nightmare.

But it sure helps.

Well, Scarlett must have been pretty tired, because she didn't wake up until she felt the bump of the landing gear hitting the runway tarmac and sat up in the luggage compartment.

She was kind of irritated, because she had a nice dream where she and the drummer from Backflash were having a dinner in a fancy restaurant.

But she was confused why their waiter was a rabbit wearing a top hat.

But that's another story.

Well, the fairy was relieved that she was away from Dubai, and judging from how rested she felt, was certain that if she wasn't in Chicago, she was almost certainly somewhere in the United States.

Once again, she waited for the plane to empty of passengers and crew, then flew out into air that was almost as hot and dry as it was in Dubai.

Scarlett hovered over the airplane in absolute irritation, and had the sneaking suspicion that she was either in a Twilight Zone episode, or was being severely pranked.

Could she have ended up back in Dubai? If so, that would be enough to drive a fairy to drink. Even a Carling's Black Label.

Just so you know, you should never drive a fairy to drink. Walk her instead. It's classier, especially if you're wearing white tie and tails and carrying a fancy cane topped with a diamond.

Also, never drink and drive. That's a no-no. Use a nine-iron instead.

Oops, sorry about that. It's just that I saw an opportunity to use one of my usual bad jokes in one of these tales.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes, Scarlett and her seeming travel confusion. Well, she immediately noticed a lack of sand and palm trees, and a lot more grass, so she sighed in relief and looked around, immediately convinced that she had landed in San Diego.

Our young heroine flew towards the terminal, then blinked when she looked at the sign that read Welcome to Adelaide.

At first our young heroine had been convinced that she was near San Diego, given the dry conditions. Now, she believed that the sign was wrong and that she was either in Adel, Montana, or Adelphi, Ohio instead.

It should be noted that while the Montana location itself can be a bit dry, neither location was served by a nearby international airport.

None of that particularly bothered the young redheaded fairy, I should tell you. Instead she flew on and suddenly sniffed the air. She smelled something nearby.

No, not that! Though, when you do get around a herd of sheep, it's just as bad as being around a group of teenaged boys during a flatulence contest.

Talk about clearing the air.

But that's another story.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Scarlett could smell something, and that was the aroma of cooking beef. Instantly, our young heroine salivated.

Kind of makes you wonder if Backflash's drummer was nearby, doesn't it?

Oops. Heh, heh. Don't tell her I told you about that. She'd be embarrassed, though it is cute.

Well, she flew on and found some men and women on what looked like a ranch. There were grills set up and in use and she smiled. But to her amazement, a couple of the men cooked a steak on a large flat shovel that was set up on some hot coals near a large fire pit. On the fire pit itself, there was a large iron kettle set up and chili was being cooked.

Now, Scarlett was convinced that she was in Addicks, Texas instead. You know, for someone who passed geography class at Lawndale High School, Scarlett can really be flighty when it comes to her own orientation.

I mean, you could drop me off in the middle of North Dakota with just my wallet and the clothes on my back, and I'd still end up in either the Loop in downtown Chicago, or at Broad and Market in Philadelphia.

Why's that? Well, if I'm going to be left behind in the middle of Nowhere, North Dakota, then when I leave, I'll go where I want to, and I want to go to Chicago and Philadelphia.

But that's another story.

Now the outdoor partiers saw Scarlett and invited her to join in on the festivities. Now, she didn't drink any beer, though one joker did offer her a Foster's.

If you're going to offer a fairy a Foster's, why don't you just go all the way and offer her a Schlitz, or a Stroh's, or a Bud Light? Or, heaven forbid, a Carling's Black Label?

Scarlett felt bad when the others kicked that particular man out of the party. I guess that there's such a thing as going too far even at a party. One of the women offered her instead a Solo Original Lemon soft drink.

Our young heroine had never heard of the Solo beverage, but assumed that it was a regional soft drink, much like Red Rock Cola, Moxie, Ale-8-One, and Sun Drop.

Since she liked the flavor, she wondered how far from Lawndale she'd have to go so that she could buy some cans of Solo for herself.

The party was a pleasant experience for Scarlett, even if she wondered about everyone's accents and the dry heat. Despite that, her hunger overrode her wonder. After all, she really hadn't had anything to eat since right after she had gotten out of bed in Lawndale.

To keep it in perspective, Scarlett had gone from Baltimore to Adelaide, via Dubai, and that's a long time to go without a decent meal.

Even for a fairy.

Despite the good food and soft drinks, Scarlett still had her sights set on her Chicago-style stuffed crust pizza. So as she ate, she wondered just how far she was from Chicago itself. After all, she was getting tired of airplanes.

Well, after she ate and visited some, Scarlett left her newfound friends to see if there was a bus or train that she could take to Chicago.

But as she flew, it dawned on her that she had a problem. The dry conditions concerned her, since she knew that Chicago was rarely ever this dry. She began to wonder if she weren't in San Diego instead of Texas, Montana or Ohio.

That was when Scarlett saw the kangaroos, and realized that she was even further from Chicago than that. Some of the kangaroos ate, many of them played, and a few of them even slept.

She even realized that there would be neither bus nor train service for her destination. In fact, Scarlett now knew for a fact just where Adelaide was. It's not that she was dumb, you know...she's just flighty.

Don't tell her that I told you that, O.K.? If she asks you, just tell her that Kevin said it, and we'll all be fine.

Well, maybe Kevin won't, but I won't complain about that if you don't.

Back to our story. The kangaroos suddenly noticed our young heroine, and surrounded her. Despite her tendency to kick butt and take names, Scarlett is reluctant to attack members of the animal kingdom unless she really had to. Such as when they cheat her, or laugh at her makeup job.

Just a few words of warning. Never ever make fun of a female fairy's makeup, or her perfume for that matter. It can be painful.

Now, the kangaroos moved around the redheaded fairy, almost as if they were starting a conga line. Then they started dancing to music.

No, the song wasn't Waltzing Matilda. That's a cliche, and besides, only emus do that. The kangaroos instead started dancing to I Touch Myself - which they then demonstrated for her.

Scarlett flew straight up and rushed back towards the airport before she could be further traumatized. In fact, the sight of kangaroos being naughty was enough to make our young heroine go for the first corporate jet she could find with a U.S. flag on the tail fin. She snuck aboard and hid herself until the plane took off and flew to the northeast.

It wasn't until the aircraft reached cruising altitude, however, that the redheaded fairy realized that she wasn't onboard a corporate jet at all. The men and women aboard were all slightly inebriated, and were getting undressed. To her absolute horror, she realized that she had chosen plane, so to speak.

The alcohol was flowing, there were...questionable things being smoked, and finally there was clothing all over the floor.

You know, by the time Scarlett gets home, she's never going to want to even think of the Mile High Club ever again.

In case you're worried about our young heroine being exposed to NC-17 experiences, it should be noted that she just turned eighteen. Yes, I'm telling the truth. What did you get her for her birthday?

I got her a small quilt, so maybe that will keep me out of trouble...for a while, at least.

In order to escape the ribald activities in the passenger cabin, Scarlett snuck into the cockpit to hide amongst the pilots.

Doesn't that word sound even dirtier than fairy fu? I think it does.

To our young fairy's shock, the pilot was a petite brunette with short cut hair held down by her headset, a very friendly smile and the prettiest anklet socks she had ever seen.

What was odd was that the socks and headset were all the pilot had on. Her co-pilot wore even less, however, and his smile was more lewd than pretty.

Neither the pilot nor co-pilot saw the visiting fairy; the pilot had control of the aircraft and watched the instruments and the radar, as well as taking the occasional visual check out the windshield. The co-pilot, meanwhile, was busy checking out the pilot's instruments.

Scarlett found herself a spot in what was the pilot's closet and hid on a shelf above where all the flight crew's clothing hung.

I wonder why her face was beet red in color? I'm not going to ask her, though. You can, but when you do, I intend to be several blocks away. That way I don't risk being pulled into the fracas.


Even though she was certain she slept a few times for several hours, the flight seemed to take an eternity for Scarlett. She tried, not too successfully, I might point out, to dismiss the sounds coming from the passenger cabin, and not just the sounds you would expect, either.

There is only so many drunken renditions of Tubthumping and Mmmbop one should ever have to hear in his or her life. Based on how many times Scarlett heard those two songs, she shouldn't have to hear them again until she turns 267.

I'd bet that she can still hear those songs in her mind right now. Why don't you ask her about it sometime?

Finally, the closet door opened and from her hiding spot, she saw the nude pilot get dressed in her undergarments and a normal flight uniform, followed a few minutes later by the co-pilot.

When the plane landed, and she left, the skies were dark and foggy. As a result, she had absolutely no idea where she was. So she flew towards the nearest building and nearly cried when she read the sign.

Welcome to Chicago


Scarlett saw the restaurant and read the sign above the awning that read "Jeff's Pizza". Relieved that she had finally made it to her destination, the young fairy looked at the door and waited as a man loaded with three pizzas and leading two children exited. While the door was open, she flew inside.

The aroma of baking pizza was so strong that the young fairy hovered near the ceiling and took as much of it in as she could.

Finally, she flew to the counter and landed as a middle-aged man wearing a white apron over a T-shirt and blue jeans held an order pad ready to take her order (he was used to having fairies order pizzas, you see.)

The redheaded fairy then began to babble her story in her excitement. She tends to babble a lot whenever she gets excited. It's actually kind of cute watching that in action.

Let's keep that our little secret, shall we? I'll be safer that way.

The man listened to her story and managed to get her order through all of that. He was impressed with her dedication, and served her a slice of stuffed crust sausage and mushroom pizza with a fairy-sized Ultra Cola while she waited.

Scarlett dug in hungrily as she watched the man prepare her order. It had been a long trip, and even though she had eaten that steak outside of Adelaide, she was still famished. Airline travel can take a lot out of people, and fairies, too..

Besides, do you realize how long a flight from Adelaide to Chicago takes? Not only that, but can you imagine how exhausting it can be trying to ignore people as they fool around in the back of the plane? Or sing the same songs over and over and over?

As she ate, it dawned on our young heroine that while she circled the globe and saw several strange wonders, she hadn't had to...defend herself, or her honor, or even her own particular sense of fairness. She just had to hide and try to blank her mind out of some of the things she had seen.

That was certainly odd. But let's just say that a lot of people don't look like models, and I don't think she'll ever be able to un-see a lot of what she had seen.

Then the front door of the restaurant opened and drunken man who looked to be in his mid-thirties walked in. He shouted extremely colorful metaphors and made the air blue.

You would've thought that there were Smurfs in the place, you know.

Never mind about that, though. Everyone in the restaurant, both staff and customers, stared at him.

Scarlett frowned, because his shouting interfered with the Backflash song she had punched up in the jukebox.

Then the drunk yelled at the man who happened to be preparing Scarlett's pizza. The prep stopped and the older man walked to the counter in an effort to listen to the man, and possibly calm him down.

Our young fairy stood on the counter and put her hands on her hips. She did NOT circumnavigate the globe just to have some loud and smelly drunk interfere with her pizza order.

The cook tried to calm the man down then, but that didn't work. Instead, the angry drunk grabbed both the cook's shirt and apron with his left hand and pulled back his right fist to make a more blunt point.

Suddenly, the drunk's face slammed into the counter - twice - and Scarlett could be seen holding him by the hair on the back of his head. The drunk released the cook's apparel and when the fairy released his hair, he fell to the floor, unconscious.

You do not mess with an irritated fairy's pizza order. She will make you regret it.

Well, by the time the police got there, the drunk was awake again, and just as loud as he was before. Only this time, he wanted to take out his frustrations on whoever had knocked him out.

Tasers, as always, are still amazing things. This time, however, Scarlett didn't laugh like she does at Kevin. She just watched as the drunk fell to the floor, then cried for his mommy. After all, her main concern was that the cook go back to prepping her pizza.

After nearly thirty minutes, the pizza was done and it was time for Scarlett to pay for her order. Now, as I've said in the past, she doesn't carry any money, or a purse for that matter. She was prepared to give a decent barter for this pizza.

So she had the cook pull some coins out of his pocket. One of the coins was an 1886 Morgan silver dollar, apparently something he carried for luck. When she conjured the silver coin into solid gold, the cook stared in amazement and accepted her payment.

Scarlett found that getting home was a lot easier than she expected. The cook was so appreciative, that he arranged with a couple of buddies who flew cargo planes to drop her off at Philadelphia International Airport. After a relatively normal (and professional) flight, she lugged the pizza back to her home in Lawndale.

It wasn't easy, but she did it. When a fairy is determined to do something, be prepared to stay out of her way.

By the time she put her pizza in suspended animation, and laid down to sleep, she realized that she had been away from home for more than two days.

Then her alarm clock went off and she groaned. Now it was time for her to go to school.

I sure hope O'Neill's class wasn't too boring for her.




Author's Note: I'd like to thank the following people for their comments on this story when it first appeared on the PPMB: Charles RB, Derek, Richard Lobinske, Kristen Bealer, JPAGC, and Doggieboy.