Author's Note: Daria and its associated characters are the property of MTV/Viacom. This story was not written for money or any other compensation. It is only fanfic and written for the pure enjoyment of it.


Scarlett the Fairy Goes on a Picnic

By Aloysius




On one fine summer day, Scarlett the Fairy flew over Lawndale City Park and basically enjoyed herself. Families were out and about; children played, pets scampered and even imaginary creatures were having fun here.

One thing that Scarlett loved to do on a day like this one, though, was to go on a picnic. The only problem was that while fairies can do many things, carrying picnic baskets and the like were beyond them. So, most fairies prefer to be invited to picnics. They love it a lot, but people never thought to invite them along.

Scarlett hovered over the ground near an oak tree and scanned the different family gatherings. One family was having a picnic of cold cut sandwiches and crackers. That scene caused the redheaded fairy to grimace in disgust. After all, picnics are supposed to be about cooking real food on the grill. Mainly, food such as steaks and sausages.

Fairies are quite knowledgeable about that, and love watching grilling shows on Food Network and PBS Create.

Another nearby family dined on fried chicken from a paper bucket, along with cole slaw and biscuits. Scarlett sighed and shook her head as she watched that scene.

It is common knowledge amongst fairies where the eleven secret herbs and spices actually came from. The credit, of course, went to that kindly old man from Kentucky. While most fairies who knew him liked the old man himself, they were miffed that proper credit (as well as glory and fortune) wasn't as forthcoming as it should have been.

But, ask yourself, would you eat at a place that was called Fairy Fried Chicken? I know that I'd be reluctant to.

Now, back to our tale. A family of rainbow-colored koala bears was grilling some sort of eucalyptus dish, and Scarlett's face turned several colors before she turned away. The young goth fairy was pretty much open-minded when it came to food, but eucalyptus just made her nauseous.

Another family (this time human) had hamburgers and hot dogs on a portable grill and the aroma made Scarlett forget the eucalyptus dish. She smiled as she watched a middle-aged man brush BBQ sauce on the meat.

A young couple also had a grill set up and actually had a peeled pineapple cooking, basted with some sort of caramel sauce. Scarlett looked shocked, but found herself tempted to ask for some. Then she saw the two kiss and hug, and decided to stay away from them. Many human females got jealous over female fairies, a fact that confused Scarlett no end. After all, it wasn't her fault that human males tended to be forward.

From another portable grill, Scarlett smelled bratwursts cooking, as well as smoked sausage and Polska kielbasa. Those aromas made her smile as well.

But then, she saw something that made her mouth drop open and her eyes stare in absolute desire.

NO, not that! This is a classy story I'm telling here.

The combined aromas of cooking ground Italian sausage, bacon and BBQ sauce told Scarlett what she was witnessing; she salivated at the thought of dining on a Bacon Explosion.

The only problem to her was that the family fixing the food was the Thompson family. Fairies have long memories, and Scarlett frowned as she remembered Kevin pulling her skirt (with the elastic waistband) down to her ankles when she was at Pizza King two months before. She shuddered at the memory of everyone in the restaurant staring at her as she yanked the skirt back up and...reacted.

Kevin had learned that day that despite the goth fairy's fourteen-inch height and smaller proportions, she actually could fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

It should be noted here that Scarlett admired Muhammed Ali, but that's another story.

Then the quarterback saw the redheaded fairy hovering overhead and smiled at her. His new dentures improved his smile and seeing that smile caused Scarlett to smile back, despite her bad memories.

He invited her to join them for the cookout and patted the table near his own plate.

Scarlett hesitated. On the con side, Doug and Charlene Thompson were both well plastered, and Kevin was still the same piggish male, despite his smile. On the pro side, however, there was the Bacon Explosion.

Naturally, Scarlett accepted the invitation.

O.K., those of you groaning and saying that she should have refused, listen up. If she did that, then this story would be over. Let's see if Kevin has learned anything since the time he had to wear ice on his crotch.

Heh, heh. Yeah, we know Kevin.

Before you know it, Scarlett and Kevin ate at the picnic table all alone. For some reason, Doug and Charlene wanted to go in the back of the family van by themselves. Kevin didn't know why, Scarlett didn't want to know why, and neither do I. For those of you who want to know the details, well, I can't post that kind of stuff here.

The Bacon Explosion was fantastic, of course, as was the potato salad that Charlene had made. But when Scarlett asked Kevin for some Ultra Cola to drink, the young quarterback gave her a paper cup filled with beer, instead.

There are no scholarly tomes detailing the effects of alcohol consumption on teenage female fairies. This is an inexcusable outrage, of course, but let's see how it effected our young heroine here.

Scarlett felt no pain after she gulped down the elixir. One would think, given that she had just downed a Black Label, she would be gagging from the taste alone.

I could go into detail describing the taste of Carling's Black Label. But, as I said earlier, this is a classy story.

Now, back to our tale. You see, the taste didn't affect young Scarlett at all. Fairies can taste such items as muffins, pizza, potato salad and even the Bacon Explosion. They can even taste bun, but that's also another story. Fairies, however, cannot taste alcohol at all.

So, with our young heroine now drunk as a skunk (who in their right mind serves a skunk? They're lousy tippers.), the smile on Kevin Thompson's face was now wider and bit...lewd, shall we say. Kevin, you see, can hold his alcohol quite well. Not that it really mattered, since he drank an Ultra Cola, and not a beer like Scarlett did.

Just as he started to pull up on the fairy's sweater, she flew out of his reach, stuck out her tongue, and giggled. He reached our for her, but she kept out of reach and blew a raspberry at him.

He wiped the fruit off his face and blinked as she held up one finger, indicating that he should wait a minute. He smiled and nodded, figuring that she had to go to the little fairy's room for a minute, then he counted on trying again.

Scarlett wasn't worried about plumbing, however. She had decided that since Kevin invited her to eat such wonderful food, he should get a present, and she knew a rare food that the humans (and most imaginary creatures) in Lawndale never got to eat. They only grew in one place in Lawndale, and that was just under an overhang some thirty feet above the creek that ran through Lawndale City Park.

Fairies got to eat them all the time, but to Scarlett, they weren't much to brag about. Sure, they were sweet, but so was good chocolate and, of course, a strawberry cheesecake muffin.

The young fairy flew to the overhang and looked around. All sorts of thorns and thistles were in abundance and she didn't see her target anywhere. After all, there were other fairies in the Lawndale area, and they were known to eat these particular treats.

Then, just behind some briars, she saw the food. She quickly conjured up a paper bag and filled it full of the nice, glittery treats. Then, she flew back to Kevin and landed on the picnic table in front of him, the bag held out like a present.

Kevin tried to catch her again, but she put the bag in his hands, flew out of his reach again and giggled once more.

He also laughed and looked inside the bag, which was full of berries. He decided to eat them, and maybe she might let him hold her then.

So, Kevin the quarterback ate the whole bag full of berries within a minute. He smiled and thanked Scarlett for the wonderful treat.

The young (and still drunk) fairy was happy that Kevin liked his present. But she still hovered out of his reach.

Then, something funny happened. Kevin stood up and moved back from the table. Then, he beat his chest and started yodeling like Tarzan did in the movies.

Everyone in the park looked at him then. But when he stripped down to his underwear, parents moved to cover their children's eyes. Lester and Lauren Gupty covered Tad's and Tricia's eyes. Lester even closed his eyes tightly. But for some reason, Lauren just stared at Kevin and smiled.

(Now, for those of you who love shippers that just make you cringe, think: Lauren Gupty and Kevin Thompson. Can you say, "EWWWW!" I knew you could.)

Scarlett giggled some more as Kevin, now just in his tighty-whities, climbed up the nearest tree and yelled for Cheetah to come to him. Of course, that was impossible since Cheetah lives in L.A., and is certainly smarter than Kevin.

The young quarterback beat his chest and yelled again. Then he grabbed a nearby vine (isn't that just a handy plot device?) and swung to another tree.

Let me tell you, if you think the human parents were upset, then you should have seen the koala family's reactions. You see, rainbow-colored koala children are easily frightened, and the sight of a nearly naked human male caused the three colorful children to cry.

You never want to see an angry rainbow-colored koala dad yell and cuss at a human. It's worse than watching a beaver dam a river.

By the time Kevin swung back and forth five times, a police car pulled up to the nearest parking spot and two police officers showed up. They tried for several minutes to get Kevin down off the trees, but he simply did his Tarzan yell over and over and swung back and forth.

Finally, the vine broke and Kevin landed with a thud right in front of the two police officers.

Tasers are amazing things. When one made the nearly naked Kevin do the electric boogie, Scarlett laughed so hard that she was beating the table with her right hand.

Finally, Kevin collapsed long enough for handcuffs to be applied to his wrists and he was tossed in the back of the police car for a nice ride downtown.

Families watched as the police car left and then returned to their picnics.

Scarlett smiled and used the paper bag to carry the remaining Bacon Explosion and potato salad home. As she flew off, she ignored the Thompson family van as it rocked in its parking spot.





Author's Note: I'd like to thank the following people for their comments on this story when it first appeared on the PPMB: Brother Grimace, The Angst Guy, Gene, Disco316, Richard Lobinske, and vlademir1.