Author's Note: Daria and its associated characters are the property of MTV/Viacom. This was not written for money or any other compensation. It is only fanfic and written for the pure enjoyment of it.
Scarlett the Fairy's Quest for Muffins
A Child's Story
This is a story about Scarlett the Fairy, and her quest to get her favorite food by far: Muffins.
Scarlett, you see, is a fourteen-inch tall fairy, with straight red hair that extends to her shoulders in somewhat helmet-shaped haircut. The hair, many times, covers at least one of her eyes and she's been known to give people and other fairies (as well as other imaginary creatures) a cryptic smile.
Believe it or not, Scarlett is a goth fairy. She wears dark makeup and her clothing is quite dark. A charcoal gray long-sleeved pullover (with holes in the back for her wings) and a long black skirt are her favorite things to wear.
The problem with fairies is that while they're good at conjuring up certain magic, there are certain other things that they are horrible at. For instance, Scarlett is real good at conjuring up gold, treasures, and even a mansion on the moon's surface, though why anyone in their right mind would want one is anybody's guess. At the same time, however, Scarlett cannot cook to save her life. She can conjure up some foods, and also makes do with wild foods such as grapes and apples, but her one favorite food, bar none, is muffins. And she cannot conjure them up.
She likes blueberry muffins, of course, as well as chocolate chip ones and even orange dreamsicle muffins. But whenever she tries to bake some...well, she ends up with flavored charcoal instead. Nobody wants to eat that. Not even a fairy. Besides, she has problems picking up the filled muffin pans without her magic (and all fairies try to make do for the most part like the "big" people do.)
One day, Scarlett flew above the sidewalk of her hometown. Of course, she got attention from all the big people she flew by. Some even viewed her as a toy, an action that irritates many a fairy, and has caused more than one fight. She even put a certain football player in the hospital because he wanted to see if she was anatomically correct.
(Note to concerned readers: Kevin is doing fine and doctors are confident that he will no longer need ice packs on his crotch in about a month or two. The new set of dentures actually make him look smarter than he really is, and that has to be a plus.)
Now, as I was saying, Scarlett was flying above the sidewalk of her hometown. She didn't have any money, but she loved to window shop. The main problem is that our young heroine is, remember, fourteen inches tall. A normal small purse carried by some women would seem like an extreme diaper bag to a fairy such as Scarlett. Besides, coins can be a real bother.
Whenever fairies want something they cannot conjure up, they trade with the "big" people, or with other imaginary creatures who might have the certain desired item.
Scarlett passed a bakery as she flew, stopped herself, and did a double take. The special item being baked that day was...you guessed it: Muffins! All sorts of muffins, too. There were blueberries, chocolate chips, banana walnut, apple, cherry, orange dreamsicle and even a maple corn muffin for those of you from the New England area.
But then, Scarlett saw what was, to her, the crown jewel of muffins: A strawberry cheesecake muffin. Though telling this embarrasses her, I have to let you know that when she saw this one muffin, she pressed her face to the bakery's glass window and her tongue hung out of her mouth.
Don't tell her that I told you that, O.K.?
She flew into the shop to suddenly find that the proprietor was, of all things, a stuffed teddy bear about five inches tall, named Teddy. Teddy, of course, was one of those imaginary characters that appear in these kinds of tales. He was also proud of his muffins and liked to make a good profit on them.
Well, Scarlett and Teddy entered into the negotiation stage of the deal. It was actually quite simple. Scarlett wanted the muffin and Teddy wanted a lakeside house on the shores of Cumberland Lake in Kentucky.
Do you sense a certain...economic disparity at play here? Fairies tend to be fair-minded individuals and they balk at such nonsense, and as such, make lousy politicians. But that's neither here nor there.
The negotiations entered the next stage. Scarlett wanted the muffin and Teddy wanted a flying unicorn instead of the lakeside house.
A look of frustration now appeared on the young fairy's face and that's not a good sign. She finally conjured up one, count it, one gold coin the size of a dime and offered it in trade.
It was actually a real bargain for the teddy bear. Depending on the market value of gold on a particular day, what the young fairy just did was offer to pay some thirty or forty times what the muffin was actually worth.
Teddy, however, was miffed at what he thought was an insulting offer. He didn't let on to the fairy about this, though. Instead, he told her to close her eyes and take in the aroma as he gave her the muffin.
Scarlett closed her eyes like she was told and smiled as the aroma as she awaited her purchase. After several seconds of waiting, though, she peeked out one eye and saw the teddy bear wipe crumbs off of its face and his belly seemed more stuffed than it was before the negotiations.
The young fairy then went all Jackie Chan on the teddy bear. (You can substitute Jet Li or Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris or even David Carradine if you so desire. I'm pretty open minded about that. I'd also include Steven Seagal in that list, but I'm not sure you want to hear a four minute speech of how flying like fairies saves the environment from evil corporations. I know that I don't.)
I won't go into detail on the injuries suffered by Teddy, except to say that in return for her stopping the pain, he made her twelve strawberry cheesecake muffins, which she took home in a paper bag. It wasn't easy for her to fly home with such a bag, but she did it.
Now, being a fourteen-inch tall fairy might make you wonder how she ate all twelve strawberry cheesecake muffins without getting a pot gut on her. After all, even teenaged fairies are conscious about such things. The answer is simple: Suspended animation. Scarlett is a fairy, after all.
So, for the next month, Scarlett the Fairy ate like a queen and lived happily ever after. Teddy recovered from his injuries and refuses to tell how he got his butt kicked by a girl.
Author's Note: I'd like to thank the following people for their comments on this story when it first appeared on the PPMB: Paisleygal, brnleague99, The Angst Guy (I still left in the bit about Cumberland Lake in Kentucky because it sounds even funnier after what he posted), Brother Grimace and JrGtr42.