Snuffed Animals

Author's Note: This story arose from a comment on the Daria Wiki, stating that an alternate universe version of the episode Fire! had been a rare occurrence. I decided to see what difference one small change – namely a fire extinguisher – would make to the events of both Fire! and Dye! Dye! My Darling.

Disclaimer: The characters of Daria belong to their respective rights holder, and I am not that holder. I am not profiting through this story in any monetary or legal sense. I write my stories for nothing and my fics for free.

Chapter One

"'Of course it's decaf!' Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him when I had the chance!"

Jake Morgendorffer searched through the refrigerator for the milk carton while grumbling about his insomnia to nobody in particular. He found the carton near the back of the fridge and took it over to the stove. Milk had really helped him relax lately, tryptophane or not, and warm milk was even more effective. He got the pot onto the stove, but knocked over the milk carton as he turned on the gas burner. "Damn milk!" he swore at the spilled container. He reached for the paper towels, which seemed to catch on the holder. The towels stretched over the range top, and when Jake replanted his foot for leverage, he stepped right into the spilled milk. This caused him to slip, his chin slamming into the counter. "Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop?"

As Jake went to a nearby closet to find the mop, he failed to notice the paper towels, forgotten in the chaos, which had fallen onto the open flame of the burner. Jake sniffed the air. "Funny, I could swear I smell smoke." He turned back to the stove, and saw that the stove and counter were covered in flames. "Yaaaaah! Fire! Fire!" he yelled as he grabbed the red cylinder that Helen had insisted on buying after Jake's last attempt at his Five-Alarm Chili recipe.

Upstairs, Helen Morgendorffer was semi-conscious, yet talking on her cell phone with her boss, Eric Schrecter. "No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me." Jake's voice came up from downstairs, snapping Helen into full consciousness. "Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back." Helen paused to hear what her boss responded with. "No, I don't know when!" Another short pause, and then, "No, you can't hold!" She hung up the phone and put her boss to the back of her mind. "Gotta get Daria and Quinn out of the house."

Quinn, who'd overheard the commotion because she had been on the house phone with her friend, Sandi Griffin, ran around the room panicking. "Damn it, the house is on fire!" Quinn looked into the mirror, and gasped, realizing she was in her pajamas, her hair was frizzed out, and she wasn't wearing any makeup. "Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, and I can't run out of the house looking like this!"

Helen ran into the room and grabbed Quinn. "Quinn! Come on!"

Quinn tried to protest, but was only able to say "But..." before being pushed out of her bedroom door.

Helen grabbed the cordless phone Quinn had been talking on. "Sandi? She'll have to call you back." She paused once again to hear what Sandi had to say. "No, I don't know when!" She hung up the phone and raced across the hall to get her other daughter, Daria, since Jake hadn't come up for her. "Daria, wake up!"

Daria, wearing her usual nightshirt and shorts, grabbed her glasses and sat up in bed. "Mmm, but it's so relaxing to hear calming voices all around me."

Helen wasted no time grabbing Daria by the hand. "Daria, we have no time for your sarcasm now. Get moving!" She pulled Daria out of bed and out the door. "But thank you for not being on the phone," she muttered under her breath, making Daria smile a little.

Quinn was at the foot of the stairs as Helen and Daria came down, which made Helen ask, "What are you doing? Move!"

Jake called from the kitchen, "Fire's out, dear! The extinguisher worked like a charm!"

Helen sighed in relief. "Thank God. You girls should still get out in case it spread further."

Quinn groaned, "But Mo-om!"

Helen looked at her daughter sternly. "Now, Quinn." She eased up as she looked at her older daughter. "You too, Daria."

Daria looked at her mother, her eyes somewhat less than half-open. "At least Dad didn't try to burn the house down in February." She folded her arms as she went out the front door.

Helen went to say something, but Daria had already left. You have a point, she thought, as she walked over to the kitchen. "Jake, are you sure it's out?"

Jake coughed, still trying to clear the combined smoke and extinguisher exhaust that partially clouded the air. "Yep; it flared back up a couple times, but it's done now. I covered the burner too, and that helped suffocate the flames."

Helen walked over to her husband. "Thank God you're all right. What happened?"

"I was making some hot milk, the damn milk spilled, I slipped trying to get paper towels over to the spill, and when I went for a mop, the stove was on fire."

Helen looked at Jake, her concern replaced with anger. "Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What were you thinking?"

Jake looked thoughtful, trying to remember. "Well, I remember thinking, "Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony decaf." Then I was thinking, "I need some damn milk..."

Helen cut him off. "Oh, never mind. I should know better than to ask what you were thinking."

A frown grew on Jake's face. "What's that supposed to mean? Damn it, Helen, it was an accident!"

"Well it was no accident I bought that fire extinguisher. I'll have to get it refilled on my way to work tomorrow."

"Oh, so I don't burn the house down tomorrow? When are you going to show some damn faith in me?"

Helen's voice was practically a hiss by this point. "How about when you start deserving some damn faith?"

Outside, Daria and Quinn stood at their sidewalk, able to hear their parents through the windows Jake had opened to vent the kitchen. As the fight continued, Quinn leaned against her sister, and Daria instinctively put her arm on Quinn's shoulders. A fire truck pulled up, and a firefighter got out. "Excuse me, but we got reports of smoke from this address. Is the fire out?"

Quinn went to say something, but the sound of her father's voice quieted her, so Daria spoke. "It depends on which fire you're talking about."

Chapter Two

The next day, an insurance adjustor came over to inspect the damage. He was just finishing as he spoke to the four of them in the dining room. "You're pretty lucky. Having the fire extinguisher kept the damage to a minimum." Helen smiled as she looked at Jake, whose face drooped. "Still, it's a good thing the fire was put out right away, or the extinguisher might not have been enough." Jake now smiled, while Helen rolled her eyes. "Outside of repainting the kitchen and replacement of the rangetop, you were pretty much unscathed. We should be able to have painters in Monday and a new rangetop by Wednesday. Until then, I recommend Mama Leone's on Clements and 47^th. They don't pay me to say that, but in my line of work, 'Where can we get a good pizza?' comes right after 'Will this raise my rates?'" The man chuckled a bit at his own joke.

Helen, not laughing with him, asked, "So, will this raise our rates?"

"I'm not in charge of that, but I don't believe it will. Accidents happen; that's why we're here."

Quinn spoke next. "It's almost too bad it wasn't worse. I wouldn't mind having to spend a few days away in a luxury hotel or resort or something."

"Actually, nice might be pushing it. With your coverage, you'd probably have enough for somewhere like the Dutchman Inn."

Quinn looked at him incredulously. "That place with the giant clog?"

Daria spoke up. "Would that be a room in the hotel or the clog itself?"

The adjustor smiled. "I think the going rates are about the same, and the clog might be a bit bigger than the rooms. Anything else before I head out?"

Helen put on her best in-court smile. "No, thank you. I'm just happy we're all alive, but not having to worry about restoring our house is very comforting."

"All in a day's work. Enjoy the rest of your day."

---

"So Dad almost burned the house down, and then Mom tried to burn him down," Daria said into her phone a few hours later.

Jane Lane, on the other end of the line, smiled. "At least Jake can still fight fire with fire. Can you imagine Mr. O'Neill standing up to your mother?"

"Yes, I see him standing tall and proud, telling her how concerned he is about her well-being. And then, Mom would show up." Daria paused. "Do you mind if I come over tonight? My room still smells a bit like a barbeque, and there's not a rack of ribs in sight."

"Actually, I was planning a little alone time with Tom tonight."

Daria's voice sank. "Oh."

Jane, realizing she was shutting Daria out, came back with "Say, if they're going to be painting tomorrow, you should come over here. I know better than most how dangerous paint fumes can be."

"Hmm, on the one hand, paint fumes could lead to brain damage. On the other hand, the Fashion Club meeting scheduled for that day would make sense."

"Both of those hands sound like they're headed over here."

"Definitely; the first one could be a bit dangerous, but the other is just plain scary."

Chapter Three

"How about Screecher II? I heard those blood-sucking eyeballs look really cool when they burst."

Tom looked across the couch at his girlfriend, who had just made the suggestion. "Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for a movie with a plot." As opposed to the last five you wanted to see. "Hey, Daria left me a message about a Fellini film festival."

"Oh yeah?" Great, another European "Arthouse" movie, just the kind of thing Daria loves. Wait. "You gave Daria your number?"

"You did. So we could go rescue her from 'mother/daughter bonding day'?" Damn it, Jane, stop jumping to conclusions!

"Right, right, right." Damn it, Jane, stop jumping to conclusions!

Tom knew he had some breathing room. "I guess she remembered the debate we got into on Fellini's symbolism."

Jane smirked. "I do, too; one of the best naps I ever had."

Here we go again. "Hey, the cinema can be more than bursting eyeballs."

"The cinema?" Pretentious, aren't we?

Yes, the cinema; you know, like the movies, except you have to think. "Look, do you want to see La Dolce Vita?"

Like I want a poke in the eye. "I think I'll pass." I bet Daria would just love to take you instead.

"Fine." What's going on lately? Every time we hang out, we end up fighting, and Daria inevitably comes up. I might as well go out with her if I'm going to put up with the insinuations.

Jane stole a sideways glance at her boyfriend, still brooding over the discussion. God, you talk about her more than I do. I need to talk to her...but definitely not right now.

From the TV, the announcer said, "Is there really a secret underwater railroad smuggling flounder to freedom? Get on board the sole train, tonight on Sick, Sad World!" Jane and Tom would have found the railroad reproduction somewhat lacking, had either been watching the program before them.

Chapter Four

Daria stared at her computer screen, as she had been doing for the last 15 minutes. Damn, still no spontaneously generated story ideas. Well, except that one, but hearing what people are thinking has been done to death. Hmm, what was it Mom said about that writing assignment O'Neill gave? Something honest. How about boredom on a Sunday afternoon? No, I already tried to write that one last week, and it went nowhere. I guess that's fitting.

Daria stood up, and started pacing in her room. Maybe it's time for another stab at figuring out what's eating Jane. Probably Tom, as usual. Daria stopped walking and shuddered. Damn imagination; you know that's not what I meant. She continued. It's like ever since Tom's started to be a decent person, Jane's become unreasonable. Just because we can get along now and have a few conversations, it's not like he's going to jump off her and onto me. She stopped again. Is he? No, can't be. Why would he take an interest in me? I mean, sure, we're able to have some good debates, but if he's going out with Jane, why...I need to stop thinking about this. Maybe Mom, Dad or Quinn will bring some measure of entertainment.

Daria inched open her door and listened. From Quinn's room, she heard, "Of course one meeting will be enough for faux tanning lotions. It's not like we're going to need them 8 months out of the year. This will free up more time to prepare for the blush evaluation the week after this. Besides, we've already eliminated half of the lotions from previous winters. Another 10 shouldn't take that long with four of us." Daria decided that taking Jane up on her offer of sanctuary was the right thing to do, paint fumes or not.

As she walked downstairs, she heard her mother on her cell phone. "Of course, Eric. Well, if they knew the money was counterfeit, why would they have paid taxes on it? Did they really say 'We didn't want to break the law' under oath? Oh, don't worry; I'll make sure they have their stories straight before I leave tomorrow, even if it takes all night." With that, Daria was certain she wouldn't be missed tomorrow night.

Daria walked into the kitchen where her father was trying to figure out the take-out Sushi he'd ordered from Samurai a Go-Go, the more respectable Japanese restaurant in town. "Hiya, kiddo! How's your homework coming?"

Daria grabbed a glass and filled it with ice cubes. "I did my homework last night, and since they didn't assign any today, I'm still done."

Jake, who was paying more attention to his food than Daria, as per usual, replied, "Good for you, Kiddo! Now, you take the piece of sushi, add a small amount of this mint paste, cover with the red thing..." Daria filled her glass with water as she watched her father put a pea-sized ball of wasabi onto the slice of tuna and covered it with a leaf of ginger, and lifted it to his mouth. She set her glass down on the dining room table in front of Jake, just as he bit down on the piece. "GAAAAAAH! Water! Water!" Jake grabbed Daria's water cup, and first gulped down water, then tried balancing one of the cubes on his tongue. "Whew, thanks kiddo!"

"Any time, Dad. You know, wasabi's almost as strong as horseradish."

"I knew that damn waiter was giggling as I left. Mint paste my..."

Daria interrupted with, "Sushi's good for your heart, too."

"Yeah!"

Daria rolled her eyes when she knew her father wasn't looking. "Hey Dad, since Quinn's friends are having their usual meeting here, would it be ok if I spent the evening at Jane's studying?"

Jake thought it over. "I guess that would be fair. You're going to miss out on curry from that new Hello Delhi restaurant."

"I should be able to handle it. Just let me know how their food is." Assuming you survive it.

"Sure thing, kiddo. Hmm, maybe if I cut down the green stuff to half as much..."

Daria walked away from her father to get a new glass of water. This sushi might even be healthy enough to counteract the stress it causes. Jake flailed around as he realized he had once again used too much wasabi. Nah.

---

Tom walked to the door with Jane. "I'm glad we had the chance to make up."

Jane smiled. "Make up or make out?"

Tom smiled back. "Hey, two great things that go great together. You want to get together after school tomorrow?"

Jane panicked a little inside. "Actually, I was going to spend the night with Daria. Her kitchen is getting repainted after that stove fire her dad started."

Tom frowned at first. "That's right. It's a good thing that didn't get out of hand." Tom smiled again. "Hey, why don't the three of us go out for pizza, my treat? Trent could come along too if he's free."

"Hmm, Trent probably won't be back from tonight's practice by then; especially since he hasn't left for it yet. I'll ask Daria tomorrow and let you know if she's up for it. Bye hon." She kissed him on the cheek and watched him go out to his car. After all, if you're both in front of me, then you can't do anything behind my back.

Tom walked away smiling. All right! Jane's happy, and I get to spend time with her and Daria tomorrow. Intelligent conversation and the chance for some more making out before the night's over. Life's pretty good. He looked towards Jane, who put on a quick grin and waved as he got in the car. Or I'm a dead man.

Chapter Five

Timothy O'Neill looked over his classroom. "Now, as you mull over the title, The Red Badge of Courage, who besides me hears the Cowardly Lion in your head singing 'If I only had the noive?'" He laughed at his own joke, then realized that he was the only one reacting, and sighed.

After Mr. O'Neill's class, Daria and Jane walked out of the classroom together. Jane spoke first. "Oh, Tom wanted to know if you were interested in all three of us going out for pizza after school."

Daria shrugged. "Hey, pizza's better than whatever Dad's getting for Indian food, and you and Tom sure beat the Fashion Fiends for dinner companions."

"Hannibal Lecter would beat the Fashion Fiends for dinner companions."

"Replace beat with eat, and I'm feeling better already."

Jane smiled. "That too. Oh, by the way, uh, thanks for leaving that message on Tom's machine about La Dolce Vita." Thanks for another pointless argument.

"Hey, watching a dead fish wash up on shore always puts me in a good mood."

"But you know; you don't have to go to all the trouble of calling Tom. I'm always happy to pass messages along."

The hell? "Sure, I just..."

Jane saw her art class, just like she planned it. "Well, here's my classroom, bye."

Daria put her hand on Jane's shoulder. "Wait a minute; what are you trying to say?"

Damn it. "Um, that this is my classroom, and I have to go into it."

You know what I mean. "Why do you have a problem with me calling Tom? You gave me his number, remember?"

"I know; I know. Look, it's not that I don't trust you."

Daria became more upset at that. "Trust me? Trust me with what?"

"Hold on." Damn it, I don't want a scene. "I trust you. I just don't trust..." Say it, Jane. Just say it.

"Don't trust what? My judgment? My hormones? My sister? What?"

Jane finally blurted out, "Tom."

Daria's jaw dropped. "Oh."

Jane snorted. "Yeah, 'Oh'. We haven't been doing so well lately, and when you two start debating and going on about all that stuff you read, it makes me feel like I'm being left out of my own relationship. As much as I know you're just having a conversation, I feel like he's interviewing you for my position."

Daria sighed. "Look, I probably know less about what he's thinking than you do, but I don't believe he's that interested in me. I can promise you that I'm not trying to take him away from you."

"I know. I just...I just wish I could figure out what he wants. I'm not even sure he knows what he wants."

"Well, I know what I want, and that's not to get detention for being late to my next class. See ya." Tom's not interested in me. I don't want Tom to be interested in me. I'm not interested in Tom. So why do I feel so guilty?

"Bye." You're my best friend. I believe you when you won't steal my boyfriend. So why does it feel like you already have?

Chapter Six

Helen came into her house through the front door. "Helloooo! The case wrapped early today." she called out.

Jake, in the other room, just home after getting dinner, called back, "Hi honey! Kitchen's looking great!"

Helen walked into the kitchen. "Oh, my; this is wonderful. You could hardly tell you almost...um, that anything happened."

Jake smiled, missing Helen's intended statement. "Yep, and the crew even had most of the paint fumes out before I got back with dinner!"

Helen's smile went away. "You left the painters here unsupervised?"

Jake's smile also went away. "I had the girls looking after them. I'd already paid them, and the four of them were enough to keep them honest."

Helen smiled as she poured herself a cup of coffee. "Ah, that sounds much better." She took a sip, then frowned. "What do you mean, 'the four of them'?"

"Quinn and her friends, remember? They're having one of their meetings, so I had them hold it downstairs until the painters left."

"I see. Why didn't you get Daria to do it?"

"Oh, she asked yesterday if she could spend the evening at Jane's."

Helen gulped the sip of coffee that had just entered her mouth. "What? Damn it, Jake; this was one of the few times we'd get to have dinner together, and she just blows it off to spend more time with her friend. It's like she doesn't even want to spend time with us!"

"She'll be all right, Helen. I promised I'd tell her how good the curry is."

"Jake, are you listening to me? This isn't about the food; it's about Daria not spending time with us!"

Jake started to get angry at that. "Oh, and you wouldn't understand someone in this family not spending time with us!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What do you think it's supposed to mean?

As her parents' voices rose, Quinn sat on the top stair, listening to her parents argue again. She had left the meeting to get their steamed vegetables and rice, and stopped when she heard her parents' voices. Their arguments had gotten worse since the fire, and showed no signs of improvement. Quinn buried her head in her hands.

Stacy had walked out of Quinn's room after Sandi suggested she check up on Quinn. She had just said, "Quinn," when Jake's voice rang out loud. Quinn looked back at Stacy with a tear in her eye. Stacy sat down next to Quinn and put her arm around Quinn's shoulder, and Quinn leaned onto Stacy for support.

Chapter Seven

Tom had just received the change from the cashier at Pizza King. "I'll bring the pizza to the table."

Jane held out her hand. "Oh, no, I insist. You pay, I'll stay."

Tom smiled. "Ok, thanks Janey."

Tom and Daria made their way over to the booth. Daria sat on the far side and Tom on the near side. Daria commented, "You seem to be in a good mood."

Tom shrugged. "I guess so. Jane's happy with me, I'm hanging out with two cool ladies instead of Dad's stuffy hangers-on, and I'm about to sink my teeth into some Bacon-Tomato Overdrive Pizza. All in all, it looks like a pretty good evening."

Daria looked over at Jane. "You make it sound like Jane being happy with you isn't a sure thing."

Tom sighed, the smile on his face finally fading. "Well, lately it hasn't been. It's like lately I can't help but suggest things she doesn't like. I tried suggesting that Fellini Festival and she practically bit my head off."

Daria smiled on the inside, thinking of her conversation with Jane earlier. "Well, if you had sold it as watching a dead fish washing up on shore, she might have gone for it."

"I'm starting to realize that."

Daria let that pass at first, but then caught something in the tone that didn't sound right. "What do you mean?"

"Come on, Daria. We both know Jane's not much for giving any movie that makes you think a fair shake. Any time I try to bring up something on a higher intellectual plane than Mario Bava, it's like I'm talking to a brick wall."

"So what, you'd rather have a brain for a girlfriend?" Daria tried not to let it show that she had only realized what she had said after it had been said.

Tom, for his part, hadn't noticed the wording. "Well, it'd be nice to have a conversation on a higher level than 'Did you see the last episode of Sick Sad World? Wasn't that weird?'"

"Come on, it's not like Jane's stupid. So she's not the Nietzsche and Ingmar Bergman type. It's not like she's going on about her mascara database."

"It's not what she doesn't know; it's that she won't even try to get interested in what I have to say. When she puts down something I care about, it's like she's saying that she doesn't care about me. I just wish she had your taste so that we could have a few decent conversations."

"As opposed to the arguments we usually have?"

Tom twitched at hearing Jane behind him. He turned around, and saw his girlfriend behind him, holding their pizza over his head.

Daria attempted to break the tension by saying, "You know, even if he paid for the pizza, I'd kind of like a chance at a slice before you dump it on him."

Jane eyed Daria. "Oh, I figure I could salvage a slice or two to throw at you." She then set the pizza down on the table and sat down next to Tom. "I couldn't do that to a pizza anyway. It never did anything to hurt me."

Tom rolled his eyes. "Jane, neither have..."

Jane turned sharply to her boyfriend. "'I just wish you were more like Daria.' Do you realize what that sounds like?"

Tom replied, "That's not what I meant! It's just...when I'm with you, I feel like I have to pretend that a lot of myself doesn't exist, whether it's my interest in foreign films, or philosophy, or just about anything my family does."

Jane frowned. "Oh, so now I'm the one who doesn't want to talk about your family? Excuse me, Mr. Thanks-for-getting-me-out-of-that-stupid-banquet, but you're the one who stopped bringing them up."

"Because you always made some sarcastic remark, no matter what they did. They buy me a new set of clothes, and you tell me that I can't dress myself. They pledge money for a charity ball, and you complain about it being another High Society event. Would you prefer if they just gave all their money away and lived in a shelter?"

Daria spoke up. "Hey!" Both Tom and Jane looked at Daria. "If you two are just going to fight through dinner, then I might as well take my share to go."

Jane grimaced. "Sure, run off like you don't have anything to do with this."

"What?" Tom and Daria said in unison.

"Oh, come on; you're telling me you can't see that you're the one he's going to pick up after he drops me?"

Tom was starting to get angry at that suggestion. "Whoa, whoa, I am not planning on picking up anyone. Sure, I'm not overly optimistic on our future, and sure, I'd ask out Daria if we weren't going out, but I'm not just going to see her behind your back or anything."

Daria scowled at Tom. "Oh, so you would ask me out if you weren't going out with Jane? Then you're just waiting for the breakup to become official before you made moves on me?"

Tom looked defensive. "That's not what I said! I want this relationship with Jane to work, but it doesn't seem to be working. If you were just a cool person I knew, and didn't know who I'd dated in the past, would you have an issue with me asking you out?"

Daria was flustered. "Well, I, no, but..."

Jane took over. "Wait a minute, what do you mean it doesn't seem to be working?"

Tom looked at Jane. "Do you think it's working?"

Jane stopped, thought for a moment, and sighed. "No, it's not. Damn it, so it's over then?"

Tom put his hand tentatively on Jane's near shoulder. "I don't know. I like you. I like being with you. We seem to have some pretty major issues, but if you want to try to work them out, so do I."

Jane sighed. "And if they don't work out, you'll start going out with Daria?"

Tom shrugged. "Maybe, but that's not really up to me. I know how strange that would make these pizza sessions."

Daria pitched in, "To say nothing of the sleepover parties. Look, Tom, you need to realize I'm in a tough position."

Tom replied, "I know. Going out with your best friend's ex is a strange concept."

Daria shot back, "Not just that. If that was it, I'd say no and move on. On the other hand, you're a decent and interesting person. I can see what Jane sees in you. Combine that with my less-than-stellar dating history and the temptation is something I can't just ignore."

Jane eyed her friend warily. "So you have been thinking about taking him away?"

Daria quickly responded, "No! I mean, he's a decent guy, but I'm not going to take my best friend's boyfriend away from her."

"But you thought about it?"

"I once thought about going out with Upchuck too, and I rejected it only slightly more quickly. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship for a date that could go nowhere."

Tom jumped in to say, "I'm not trying to ruin your friendship. I'm just trying to hang out with two girls who are more interesting than all the girls my parents have tried to set me up with combined."

Jane sighed. "Then we need to figure out where we stand. You put your grievances on the table, I'll put mine next to them, and we'll figure out what's left. If we're done, we're done. If not, we get past this and our relationship is stronger than ever."

Tom exhaled, thankful that the situation had diffused. "Deal. I'll be honest with you if you'll be honest with me, and that goes for what is said and what's not said."

Daria stood and added, "And on that note, I'm getting a to-go box for my share of the pizza. Even if I thought I could help, there are some relationship details I'd rather not hear."

Chapter Eight

Daria returned home and found her mother at the kitchen table going through some legal briefs. Helen saw her daughter enter and greeted her without looking up. "Hi Daria. Back so soon?"

Daria spoke in her usual monotone. "Tonight's return home has been rained out, so we are showing footage from a previous return home instead. We apologize for the inconvenience." Daria looked around. "Um, where's Dad?"

Helen popped up her head. "Oh, um, he went out to get some pizza. Quinn's vegetables were all right for her, but the curry didn't agree with either of us."

Daria looked at the wall and saw a splatter of sauce. "It looks like the curry wasn't the only thing disagreeing."

Helen saw the splatter herself, noticing it for the first time. "Hmm? Oh, yes. I suppose your father and I were a little worked up when I got home."

Daria grimaced. "Just like the night of the fire? Mom, are you and Dad all right?"

Helen, inwardly cringing at her daughter's perception, tried to put on a bright expression. "Oh, Daria, nothing's wrong with your father and..."

Daria interrupted, "Mom, candy-coat it if you must, but tell me the truth."

Helen sighed. "Okay, so we're fighting a little more often lately. I'm a bit worried, but with both of our tempers, it's bound to happen from time to time. We make sure to talk it out after we've cooled down every time, though. You seem more worried than I am."

"Well, the way you're describing, it almost sounds like what Jane and Tom are going through. They argue, make up, and don't address the problems causing the arguments. Well, until today, anyway."

Helen made a mental note of Daria's last statement. "Oh, well honey, that's where your father and I are trying to be different. We don't just apologize to each other and pretend it never happened; we try to get to the bottom of what's causing the problem, and take steps to fix it. Like this weekend, for example."

Daria perked her ears up at that. "What about this weekend?"

"After we got the assessment from the fire, your father and I talked out the argument we had that night. We looked at our finances and decided we had enough to spend the weekend at a hotel. Le Grande Hotel is one of Jake's clients, and they were able to cut us a good deal on the weekend. We'll leave Friday night after work and come back Sunday. You can have Jane over, but I need someone to make sure Quinn doesn't start a party or stay out all night. That's why we're not telling her until Wednesday."

"Quinn might not be able to coordinate her wardrobe in two days, let alone set up a party she could get away with."

Helen rolled her eyes. "All the same, I want you to be responsible for her actions. If Quinn leaves the house, you'll be with her."

"And my compensation for this?"

"Will be negotiated Wednesday when Quinn's here to make counteroffers. After all, she'll be pretty upset at being left with you as well."

"Not to mention she'll need to have something to bribe me with to keep her quiet."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that. I figure letting Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany stay over will keep her from getting too tempted. She's proven that she's smart enough to know when she's giving Sandi blackmail material."

Daria nodded her head approvingly. "You're getting good at this."

"Thank you, dear." Helen sighed, thinking about her husband and their latest argument. "Don't worry too much about us. We've had our issues, but we've handled worse times. We just need some time to ourselves."

Daria ran her finger over the splotch on the wall, brought it to her tongue, and frowned. "If this didn't kill anyone, I guess you'll be all right."

---

A couple hours later, Daria was sitting in her room, typing away at her computer. Quinn walked into the room, saying "Hey, Daria," in a somewhat muted tone.

Daria replied, without looking up, "Daria's not in right now. Please leave a message at the tone."

Quinn rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, have you noticed that Mom and Dad have been fighting more lately?"

"There has seemed to be a recent increase in the indigenous hostilities."

Quinn sat down on the bed. "Do you ever think that, well, maybe one day they'll have a fight they can't get over?" Daria turned around and faced Quinn. "And please be honest. If there's something going on, I should know."

Daria sighed. "Quinn, as far as I can tell, our parents' marriage is fairly safe. If it can survive that curry sauce, it can survive anything."

"Actually, that was what stopped the fight."

"What?"

"They were both ranting and raving, and then Dad said he just wanted to eat his damn curry. I heard him stop, and then he started yelling that it was worse than the mint paste."

"Ah, the wasabi from Samurai a Go-Go."

Quinn giggled a bit at that. "That's Dad all right. After that they kind of made peace and Dad offered to run for pizza. Are you sure they're okay?"

Daria shrugged. "I'm as sure of that as I can be. I've seen a relationship on its last legs, and this isn't that. Look, can you keep a secret?"

Quinn looked somewhat confused. "Hmm, as long as I don't tell Stacy, or Sandi if it might come back to hurt me, or Tiffany if..."

"Quinn!"

Quinn startled at the interruption. "Oh, sorry. Yes, I can keep a secret if I need to."

"Mom and Dad are spending next weekend at a hotel to, um, work out their issues." Daria added finger quotes to the last phrase.

Quinn understood the meaning. "Ewwwwwww."

"My thoughts exactly. The upshot is that we're here all weekend, Jane and your Fashion Fiends can come over, we'll get food money, and I have to make sure you don't do anything crazy. No parties; I mean it."

Quinn spread her hands out and said, "Don't worry. Sandi's been itching for something to hang on me lately, and an unauthorized party would be just what she wants." The doorbell rang. "When are they going to tell me?"

Daria rose to her feet. "Wednesday; be sure to act surprised." Daria walked to the stairs as Quinn went back to her room. When she was most of the way down the stairs, she saw her friend, Jane, standing in the doorway where Helen had greeted her. Her eyes were large, and her lips drooped. Behind her, Jake stood with a pizza in his hand and a worried look on his face. Daria waved her up to her room. Jane was speechless as she ascended the stairs. When she got to Daria's room, she closed the door.

Quinn listened from her room. The only other time I heard Jane crying was that stupid self-esteem thing, but that was obviously a fake. So that's what Daria meant by a relationship on its last legs.

Chapter Nine

Jane stared, unblinking, at the ferocious beast before her. The large feline stared back at her, as if preparing to pounce on its prey. Jane's expression was deathly calm, as she pondered the predator before her.

Jane's brother, Trent, walked up to his sister and asked, "Okay?"

Jane took one final look at the caged tiger before her, made sure she hadn't forgotten anything, and finally said, "Okay."

As Trent drove Jane home from the zoo, she told him, "Thanks for the company, Trent."

Trent smiled at his sister. "Hey, no problem, but why didn't you ask Tom, or Daria?"

Jane frowned. "I broke up with Tom, remember?"

Trent frowned back. "Mmm, that's right. I wasn't sure if I dreamt that or not."

Jane rolled her eyes at Trent's perception of reality. "And since I'm spending the weekend at Daria's, I figured I'd spend some time with you so that I don't accidentally O.D. on Daria. I can only handle so much monotone voice."

Trent looked thoughtful. "So you chose to hang out with me?"

Jane smiled. "Ok, bad example."

Trent cocked his eye at Jane. "You're not still mad at her for Tom taking an interest, are you?"

Jane's smile evaporated and she answered quicker than she'd intended. "No! I mean, I don't think so. It's not like she was trying to take him from me at the pizza place."

"It'd be pretty hard to do that while you were watching her."

Jane continued, "And at any rate, Tom promised not to ask her out until after the summer to give me time to get over it, and Daria agreed to not even think about it until summer started. I still get the feeling she's interested in him, but I trust her." Jane turned away as she ended her statement.

Trent nodded, and decided to change the subject. "Why'd you want to see the tiger again?"

Jane brightened at the topic change. "I told you; it's a surprise. You'll find out when everyone else does, which should be after this weekend, if I can finish phase one before then."

"And how's the painting coming?"

"Oh, just finishing up the last part." Jane sat silent for a moment, but then realized what Trent had said. "How did you know it was a painting?"

Trent grinned. "Because if it was me, phase one would probably be song lyrics."

Jane arched her eyebrow. "I thought your phase one of your plan would be 'nap'."

Trent shrugged. "I don't really plan my naps. They happen whether I plan them or not."

---

The next morning at class, Jane and Daria were at their locker talking. "So, when I come over to your house, you can help me out with phase two of my break-Jane-out-of-her-funk plan."

Daria looked at her friend, who'd been looking a bit better after the last two days. "I told you, I'll be happy to beat him up, but I won't kill Tom for you."

Jane looked thoughtful"How about just a light maiming?"

Daria shrugged. "I'll think it over. So what is my part of this plan?"

Jane held up her index finger and shook it at Daria. "Ah, ah, ah! You'll find out this weekend, and that's the soonest anyone will know about it."

"Anyone other than you, or are you keeping yourself in the dark as well?"

"Actually I'm hoping to lighten up the dark a bit. That's all the clues you'll be getting today. Anything more and you'll figure out the riddle."

Daria deadpanned, "I don't know what you mean, Ms. Sphinx."

Down the hall came the Fashion Club, with Sandi and Quinn leading and Stacy and Tiffany following, as always. Sandi was talking. "Then it's agreed, we will keep our Friday dates, then meet over at Quinn's house that night and stay for the rest of the weekend to prepare for our upcoming blush evaluation."

Quinn followed up with, "That's such a great plan, Sandi."

Tiffany added, "This will be a fun weekend."

Stacy came in with, "It's so good of your parents to invite us for the weekend, Quinn."

Quinn smiled, and said, "I know. It'd be nicer if they let me invite some guys, but you know how parents are."

Daria, listening from her locker, commented, "Yeah, they have a thing about letting hot guys sleep in the same house as their daughter."

Jane smiled. "They didn't seem to have a problem with you sleeping at my house."

Daria, undisturbed, replied. "That's because Trent's your brother, and if he tried to make a move, he'd fall asleep halfway through and forget about it."

Jane arched an eyebrow. "I notice you didn't argue the 'hot guy' designation for Trent."

Daria considered this, trying to keep from blushing. "I'd imagine that with how often he shuts down, his core temperature has to run pretty high."

Chapter Ten

Thursday night the Morgendorffer family sat down to dinner, Jake's latest attempt at Chicken Stroganoff. Jake and Daria read their respective sections of the newspaper, Quinn thumbed through the latest issue of Waif, and Helen spoke with her boss on the phone. "No, Eric, I won't be reachable over the weekend. I'll have my phone on, but I'll only be able to check it maybe once or twice a day. So that you can leave a message if any extreme emergencies come up. No, a golf outing does not count as an extreme emergency."

Daria looked up at her father. "Dad, you're letting her bring the cell phone?"

Jake looked over the paper in front of him at Daria. "Well Daria, this weekend is about building trust, and if I can't trust her to stay off the phone, then what can I trust?"

Daria smirked, "That Mom said those exact words to you, and that Quinn is dying to give the phone a new case to match her shoes."

Quinn didn't look up from her magazine as she said, "Please, at that point I'd just get a new phone that isn't as chunky-looking. It'd be like putting a 24-karat gold finish on a plastic necklace. Ugh!"

Helen, still on the phone, half-shouted in an exceedingly polite tone, "Look, a fire, flood, theft, even a settlement would be important, but please don't leave a message asking which tie to wear to court Monday. Oh, well, I'd go with the navy tie myself."

Daria looked over the section of news that Jake had been reading. "Where did you say you were staying this weekend?"

Jake smiled. "Le Grande Hotel; it's such a luxurious resort, and because they're one of my clients, we got a really good deal!"

Daria pointed at an article. "I would imagine so; after that arrest they'll need all the good publicity they can get."

"Yeah! Huh?" Jake asked, looking at the article Daria pointed out. "'Bobby Stuart was arrested today on multiple charges relating to the near-fatal assault on an 18-year-old woman. Stuart, 19, met the woman, whose identity has been withheld by the police, at Le Grande Hotel, Lawndale, and allegedly convinced her to meet at the C'Est la View Restaurant on March 27^th. The woman was found unconscious the next morning at the base of a cliff below the restaurant. According to officials, Stuart was posing as a bellhop at the hotel and bought various items for her from the hotel, charging them to her credit card and deleting the charges from the hotel computers before they were run.' What kind of a hotel doesn't realize that one of its bellboys was never hired?"

Daria put her hand on Jake's hand. "The kind that's going to be in need of a new ad campaign in the very near future."

Jake perked up a little. "Hey, yeah! How about: "Le Grande Hotel: now 100% genuine bellhops!"

Daria shook her head. "If I were the hotel, I wouldn't want to hear the word bellhop any more often than I already have."

Quinn looked up from her magazine. "I'd focus on the comforts. That place is so relaxing. I've heard they even have those cute little plastic sandals you get in the spa that massage your feet when you walk."

Jake smiled. "I love those!"

Helen ended her call, upset as usual. "And he wonders why the crisis priority system failed when he made my opinions on restaurants a critical priority."

Daria replied, "Unless he's going out with a fake bellboy, at which point it might be accurate." She handed the article to Helen to make her point.

Helen read through the article, her eyes wide from the description. "Oh my, how awful! I'm sure glad that didn't happen this weekend."

Daria deadpanned, "And that you've stopped going out with bellboys."

Jake sat up firmly and yelled, "What?"

Helen rolled her eyes. "Jake, Daria was joking. I wouldn't give you up for all the bellboys in the world."

Daria chimed in with, "Including the fake bellboys."

Chapter Eleven

Friday afternoon came, and Daria waited for Jane in the living room, attempting to watch some random sitcom. This was a compromise, as Quinn, who was also in the living room, refused to watch Sick Sad World, and Daria wouldn't agree to watch Fashion Vision. Quinn grumbled, "I can't believe Mom cancelled my freaking date tonight. It's not like that weird stalker guy was my date."

Daria, who was watching the show about as much as she was splitting the atom, replied, "Yeah, then she might have a complaint."

"Like I would even date him. I mean, sure he's kinda cute and stuff, but a computer geek?"

"I'm fairly sure the victim was unaware he did anything with computers before their date."

Quinn continued, not acknowledging Daria's remark. "Anyway, Mom's backup reason was just silly. Why would it matter if I'm home when the other girls got here?"

Daria smirked. "For one thing, a little quality time with your friends could be a good thing. Stacy could probably be talked into seeing things my way as long as it didn't get her thrown out of your club, and Tiffany would just agree with whoever's talking anyway."

Quinn laughed at Daria. "You wouldn't." Daria stared back at her sister, who started to panic. "You wouldn't!"

Daria exhaled. "No, those two aren't the type of henchmen I'm looking for. On the positive side, Sandi won't have the chance to snoop around for incriminating evidence while you would have been out on your date."

"True, but if she found herself the first one here, she'd immediately head back out, not wanting to look like her date was a total loser."

Daria looked at Quinn sideways. "You really have your friends scouted that well?"

Quinn shrugged. "After the whole dance near-fiasco, I knew that I had to be ready for her power plays."

"Shouldn't the President be the one who doesn't need to make a power play?"

"Only if she wasn't convinced I was after her position. Honestly, why would I want to be President and have to do all the work of keeping us together, when I can be Vice-President and just lead by example?"

Daria stood as the doorbell rang. "Some day you two are going to bite each others heads off."

Quinn shuddered. "Eeeeew! Vampirism is so gross! Well, except for that Interview with Brad Pitt movie; he's good in anything."

Daria had opened the door, where Jane awaited, so Jane overheard the comment. "I'll bet he's even better in nothing. Hey amiga; ready for the big reveal?"

Daria shrugged. "As long as you're not revealing you're secretly a vampire, go for it."

"Do I look like Brad Pitt?"

"No, but your stubble is getting there."

"Funny, Morgendorffer." Jane carried her equipment to the center of the room. She set up the easel with a canvas covered by a purple drape. "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your eyes!"

Quinn squinted at Jane. "Romans?"

Jane continued, undaunted. "Behold, Phase One! Ta-da!"

With that, Jane removed the drape. Underneath was a picture of herself, which was very realistic when compared to Jane's usual abstract style. There were, however, two major changes: Jane seemed to be coming out of some sort of jungle foliage, and her hair had several blonde stripes running through it.

Daria commented, after taking in the picture, "Um, very nice; or is it a cry for help?"

Jane replied, "Don't you get it? 'The Lady or the Tiger!' Now you don't have to choose."

"Does this mean you'll be ordering the pizza with entrails?" deadpanned Daria.

Jane continued, undaunted. "This is going to be my new look. And you're assisting in the procedure."

Daria looked a bit distressed. "I am?"

Quinn, who had looked over the painting after Jane had revealed it, chimed in, "She is?"

Jane turned to Quinn looking somewhat annoyed. "Yes; you see, Daria and I need to bond after the last week and I'm pretty sure coloring hair is one of those things us girls are supposed to do to bond."

Quinn stood up, defensive. "Look, what you two do for your bondage or whatever is up to you, but dying black hair blonde is not for the amateur; especially not stripes!"

Jane, choosing to ignore Quinn's first choice of words, responded, "The amateur? Come on, it's just hair."

Quinn frowned. "Hey, if you want to end up with random patches of Upchuck-orange hair, go for it, but if you want to look like this," Quinn pointed to the painting, "then you'll need someone with experience. I mean, if you wanted to paint the ceiling of the Christine Chapel, you wouldn't get Joe's Painting to do it."

Jane thought this over. "You have a point. So what, the Fearsome Foursome would be willing to do this for an outcast?"

"I'll tell them about your plans, and then I'll tell them Daria was going to do the dye job. If that doesn't make them see my point, nothing will. Besides, Sandi's always talking about reaching out to the fashion-challenged."

Daria folded her arms. "And I'm sure there will be the matter of compensation."

"Well, normally I'd say let me reschedule my date for tonight, but with the way Mom's been that could be dangerous, and besides Brandon was a last-minute replacement anyway. As long as you'll pay for the dye and let the group of us shop for it at the Mall of the Millennium tomorrow, I'd be satisfied."

Jane put her hand to her chin, impressed. "Deal. I have to admit that I was expecting a pretty deep gouge. What's the catch?"

Daria answered that. "Mom and Dad paid us pretty well for the weekend, but she has to stay with us the whole time, so she's making us go to the mall with them so that they can spend the money; what other catch do you need?"

---

Jake and Helen entered their suite at Le Grande Hotel, as did a bellhop carrying their luggage. Helen spoke first. "What a lovely room. This should be a very comfortable stay."

Jake went to a dial on the wall. "Look Helen, a dimmer switch!" He emphasized his point by turning the dial several times, bringing the lights down low and then back to full brightness in rapid succession.

Helen saw the bellhop, who had set down their bags and was now looking bored. "Jake," she said calmly, as she gestured to the bellhop.

Jake took his hand off the dimmer switch, then reached for his wallet, pulling out a five-dollar bill. "Oh yeah! Say, how do we know you're a real bellhop?"

"Jake!" Helen snapped.

The bellhop, for his part, reached into his wallet and pulled out a laminated card. "Here you go, sir," he said without any particular enthusiasm.

Jake read the card. "Hmm, 'George Winsted, official bellhop at Le Grande Hotel, signed Richard Johnson III, owner.' Neato!"

Helen let go of her frustration at Jake's lack of tact. "I suppose you've gotten that question a couple times since last weekend."

George shrugged, saying, "About seven times so far today."

Helen looked at Jake, and then to the money he was about to hand to the bellhop. Jake, for his part, pulled out another five dollar bill and handed both to George. "Well, here you go! Don't spend it all in one place!"

George betrayed no emotion at the 100% increase in his tip. "Thank you for your generosity, sir."

As the bellhop walked out of the room and closed the door, Helen said, "All right, my phone is officially muted and put away. I've promised to not talk about cases at work and you've promised not to bring up your father or Corporal Ellenbogen."

Hearing those names brought Jake into a familiar frame of mind. "Lousy damn..."

"Jake!"

"I'm good! So what's the plan now?"

"Well, there are two things I wanted to do before the weekend is done. We need to have a serious discussion about where our marriage is going, but I'm not sure we should start off with that."

Jake hit his right fist into his left hand. "You're right, Helen. We need to rest and relax while we're here. Say, I wonder if we could get those sandals that Quinn was talking about..."

Helen scowled. "Jake! That's not the other thing I wanted to do!"

"Oh yeah? Well what was the other thing?"

Helen's scowl melted into a seductive expression. Jake's building anger immediately subsided as he comprehended his wife's intentions. This is going to be a good weekend after all.

Chapter Twelve

"Golden Heather Blonde, Dewy Cornfield Blonde, April Wheat Blonde...I just want to bleach my hair, not start a freaking farm."

Daria turned to Jane, who'd been poring over the selection of hair dyes at Makeup Mill. "Well, I'm looking for "Blonde as a Bat," but so far no luck. It's a good thing we decided to let the Fashion Freaks lead the way on this."

"I'm still not convinced the Fashion Freaks were necessary for this." Jane looked around. "Where are said Fashion Freaks anyway?"

"There was a new display of waterproof mascara. I told them that if it took longer than ten minutes, I'd come back for them."

At that moment, the members of the Fashion Club were walking towards Daria and Jane after their analysis of the display. "So why are we hanging around your cousin and that art chick anyway?" asked Sandi

Tiffany added, "They're sooooo weird."

Quinn answered Sandi's question. "Well, Mom said that if we were going to go anywhere, they had to be with us. However, the more important reason is that we're preventing a major hair dye faux pas. You know how that art chick's hair is jet black? She wanted my cousin to dye it with stripes of blonde."

Stacy looked terrified, as usual. "Oh no! She'd end up with orange splotches everywhere!"

Quinn continued, "And since I was able to restore Brittany's color after that terrible dye job..."

Tiffany interrupted, "Grey is sooooo not her color."

Quinn again continued, "I decided that the only decent thing was to do the job for her."

Sandi sneered. "Black with blonde stripes? Like, is she trying to join the punk scene?"

Quinn shrugged. "I think it's one of her art things. I'll show you the painting she did before we start. It's a little weird, but at least she's trying." They reached Daria and Jane, and Quinn saw Jane reaching for a box that read "Autumn Barley Blonde" and shook her head. "Jane, do you even know what you're looking for?"

Jane looked at the box in her hand. "Well, I imagine I need something that says 'blonde' on the box, but otherwise no."

Daria chipped in with, "I'm guessing a picture of an overly perky woman would be a prerequisite, apparently."

Quinn sighed and shook her head. "You'd think an artist would know the difference between hair dye shades."

Jane smirked. "That was before I knew we needed a combine harvester."

---

Jake and Helen relaxed in the whirlpool just beyond the hotel pool. "Ah, this is the life," said Jake, who put his hands behind his head and stretched. "I can't remember when I've felt so good."

Helen looked over to her husband at the other end of the pool. "It's good to feel good, isn't it?"

"Oh, yeah. Kinda makes you forget about me almost burning down the house, you know?"

Helen shook her head, embarrassed by her blowup. "Oh honey, I shouldn't have jumped on you for that. It was a simple mistake, and I blew it out of proportion. You put it out right away."

Jake looked to console Helen, knowing he wasn't blameless. "Maybe, but I shouldn't have let Daria go over to that friend's house without letting you know."

"I know, but that's okay. You had a point about how I always seem to be away."

The two had been inching closer the whole time. "Yeah, but that's what you have to do for your job."

Helen raised her eyebrow. "I thought we weren't going to talk about my job."

Jake shrugged. "Well, you weren't, but you didn't really say anything about me."

"Oh, so I guess I can talk about your Father and how he ruined your childhood."

Both Helen and Jake's voices were slowly rising, and their expressions grew more upset. "And I can say how Eric's making you do all his dirty work so that he can take clients golfing!"

"And I can complain about how your father made you angry at the world and made you reject authority!"

"And I can argue that if Eric didn't force you to be at his beck and call, you'd be able to relax when you came home!"

Helen's angry look twisted into a smile as her voice lowered into a seductive growl. "And I can beat you to those pink fuzzy handcuffs back in our hotel room."

Jake smiled back. "You're on!" Both parents scrambled out of the hot tub and playfully teased each other all the way back to their suite.

Chapter Thirteen

Jane surveyed the scene in front of her. In the center of the living room, a chair sat in front of a large pillow. Quinn sat in the chair, with Sandi at her right side and Tiffany to her left. To either side of Quinn were small folding tables. Behind Quinn, Stacy was mixing ingredients within a bowl in her hands. "You know, if you're trying to convince me this isn't a sacrifice to the fashion gods, it isn't working."

Daria, just behind Jane, commented, "At least they haven't pulled out a knife...yet."

Tiffany turned to the two outcasts before her. "Knife? Wouldn't you cut hair with a scissors?"

Sandi rolled her eyes. "Tiffany dear, you can't cut hair at home and expect fashionable results. Everyone knows that's what stylists are for."

Jane snickered. "Tell that to Trent. He still thinks that home trimmer kit's the best investment he's made besides his guitar."

Quinn, undeterred by Jane's comment, spoke up. "Jane, you're about as tall as me, and if you sat on this chair, I couldn't really get to the back of your head very well. This will go a lot smoother with your head between my knees."

Jane couldn't stop a smile from forming on her lips. "I really wish that was the first time I'd heard that."

Daria, catching her meaning, rolled her eyes and said, "Am I going to have to smack Tom?"

Jane shrugged. "No complaints here, but it wasn't him who said that. Thank Trent for that one." Daria's eyes got wide. "He didn't say it to me!"

Stacy, who, along with the rest of the Fashion Club, either didn't comprehend their conversation or wasn't listening, said, "The dye is ready to go."

Daria smirked. "Last chance to back out."

Jane shrugged. "Eh, I might as well go through with it. Worst case scenario, I have to dye it back to black. I have to at least try this. Besides, when it works, I'll be making myself a work of art."

Daria shrugged back. "And if it doesn't, we can still put you up on the refrigerator."

Jane walked over to the pillow and sat down. Quinn put on the gloves provided with the kit, and motioned to Stacy. "All right, hand me the brush." Stacy handed her the brush, and she continued. "Now, the bleach in this dye might cause a little bit of pain, but after all, pain is beauty."

Jane countered with, "I'm willing to suffer for my art."

As Quinn began brushing the dye into Jane's hair, Sandi spoke up. "You know, since you're making a change to your hair, this could be an excellent time to reevaluate your wardrobe."

Stacy jumped in with, "Yeah, with two colors of hair, you have more options for what outfits will coordinate with it."

Tiffany added, "Have you considered hoop earrings?"

Jane looked over to her friend, who had a bemused look on her face. "I knew there was a catch."

---

Helen looked over at her husband lying next to her. "Honey, did you mean what you said about Eric?"

Jake was brought out of his haze by that comment. "Hmm?"

"When you said he's making me do all of his dirty work and expects me to be at his beck and call."

Jake exhaled, trying to choose his words carefully. "Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that's what it looks like to me."

Helen looked away. "And to me, too. That's probably part of the reason I get so angry at home. I spend so much time trying to hold his hand through his job that I come home intolerable."

"I've noticed you tend to be more...sensitive after you talk with him."

"I know. He just gets me thinking that I'm not doing my job if I'm not pulling my share, his share, and whoever else's share he decided to promise that day."

Jake, seeing where the conversation was going, decided to say, "I guess my problem is not thinking."

Helen, startled off of her rant, said, "Hmm?"

"Like the fire. I know it was an accident, but if I wouldn't have been so angry at the waiter, I would have paid attention to the milk, or maybe turned off the burner before I grabbed the towels. I definitely would have turned off the stove before getting the mop."

"Jake, sweetie, I know you've thought through that moment over and over in your mind, but it all worked out for the best. Both of us and the girls are safe and there was hardly any damage."

"I know; I just wish I had thought more about it then instead of just reacting."

Helen put everything together in her mind. "So I need to think less and react more, and you need to react less and think more. Shall we try it?"

"It's worth a shot. Do you know what I'm thinking right now?"

Helen looked up at Jake, interested. "What?"

Jake smiled. "Just about holding you in my arms for a long, long time."

"I think you'll be pleased with my reaction."

---

Jane walked up to Daria's room, wearing one of Quinn's older pink towels on her head. "Well, that wasn't so bad."

Daria turned from her computer. "Which part, the hair dyeing or the inquisition?"

"Oh, it wasn't that bad. After I got them frustrated with my complete inability to care about popular fashion and makeup options, it was fairly entertaining. It's almost too bad you didn't stick around."

"A discussion with those four that didn't involve fashion or makeup? What did you talk about?"

"The effect of Dadaism on contemporary culture, what else?" Jane tried to convince Daria non-verbally that she was telling the truth, in vain, and finally sighed. "Tom."

Daria's eyes got wide. "Really?"

Jane shrugged. "Hey, you're a bit too close to the situation to be objective, and talking to Trent about it is like talking to a brick wall, even when he's awake."

"So you talked to the gossip gals about it?"

"It's not like there are any rumors to spread about it, other than him dumping me to get with you."

Daria frowned at this. "Hey, I told you I'm not..."

Jane held out her hands. "I know, but that's apparently what the rumor mill's been trying to run with. I really wasn't trying to accuse you of anything."

Daria's face softened. "I'm sorry; I guess it's still a touchy subject. So what did they have to say about it?"

Jane smirked. "Funny you should ask..."

Chapter Fourteen

Jane rolled her eyes for maybe the seventieth time since her hair treatment began. "Look, I appreciate your help and if I ever want assistance in choosing eye shadow, I know where to get it, but please, please, PLEASE can we talk about something, anything other than makeup and clothing!"

Quinn, trying patiently to finish the stripe she was in the middle of, said "Okay, okay, but don't expect us to starting debating Kevin Pollack paintings or anything."

Jane exhaled. "Don't worry about that. So what do you fashionistas talk about besides fashion?"

Stacy answered, "Well, um, there's guys, and upcoming social events, and, um, nutritional options and stuff."

Sandi added, "Not to mention the latest news on what other popular people are doing, especially when they jeopardize their popularity."

Tiffany came in with, "We could also talk about guys."

Sandi turned to Tiffany. "Tiffany, I believe I just said that."

Stacy looked thoughtful. "Hmm, I could have sworn I..." She noticed Sandi glaring at her. "Eep!"

Jane let Stacy off the hook with, "Well, I can't really help much with guys, other than saying Tom is an elitist ass who deserves a good swift kick in said ass."

Quinn, now on to the next stripe, said, "Tom Sloane, right? With that much money and those looks, I'm not surprised."

Jane frowned. "He seemed so much different when I met him. I mean, here was a decent guy, loved bad movies and making fun of the world around him, and treated me like an equal. All of a sudden, Daria finally starts talking to him, and now I can hardly stop them from putting me to sleep."

Sandi smirked. "So I guess that explains why Daria's going out with him now."

Jane turned her head quickly. "WHAT?"

Quinn scowled. "Damn it Jane, keep your head steady. It's a good thing I wasn't applying when you jerked around like that. Sandi, Daria's not going out with Tom."

Sandi folded her arms. "Oh? And how would you know that?"

"She's my si...cousin, and I have to keep track of her to make sure she's not going to embarrass me. She hasn't gone out with anyone since that Ted guy dumped her for a computer game."

Sandi smirked. Quinn almost admitted that girl was her sister. So close. "Well, all the recent gossip has been that Tom dumped Jane to get to Daria. One of the cheerleaders said she heard you arguing about that very topic at Pizza King."

Jane sighed. "I made that accusation, and they denied it. They promised they wouldn't even discuss it until after the summer, and if I'm not over it by then, there's something wrong with me."

Sandi raised an eyebrow. "And you believed them?"

Quinn glared at Sandi, but Jane answered, "I believe Daria. Tom I trust about as far as I could throw, but Daria will keep her head about her."

Stacy shrugged. "Well, thinking is what brains do, right?"

Tiffany came in with, "Sooooo then, this Tom guy is single?"

Jane, hardly believing Tiffany's question, replied, "Yes, but he thought I needed to be smart like Daria. I doubt you four, no offense, would fare much better."

Quinn shook her head. "As if you're not smart. I mean, maybe you don't have the grades that Daria has, but look at how much you know about art. I couldn't tell a Vermicelli from an Al Del Greco."

Jane looked confused for a moment. A who from a what? "Oh, you mean a Botticelli from an El Greco?"

Quinn shrugged. "See what I mean?"

Sandi rolled her eyes. "Of course; a rich, good-looking, reasonably fashionable male and he's looking for a brain. No wonder he's going out, I mean, rumored to be going out with Daria."

Jane raised her eyebrow. "Jealous?"

Sandi, defensive, said, "No, just remarking on the waste of a perfectly dateable guy looking for a brain. I must compliment your taste in men."

"Well, I didn't go out with him because of his money; if he'd shown you his blue rusted-out Pinto and told you he was rich, you'd call him a liar. He didn't even mention his family's money until the restaurant that night, and that was only because he mentioned he went to Fielding Prep. I didn't even know he was a Sloane until the third or fourth date."

Quinn smiled at that. "Wow, imagine going out with a guy for that long and then finding out his parents are rich."

Stacy added, "The last time I found out something important on a third date was when Craig told me he had to go away for a while, and that he wanted me to wait for him."

Quinn's smile went away. "Stacy, wasn't that the guy who went to jail for robbing the Stop and Snack a few months back?"

Stacy looked nervous. "Um, well, that's why I broke it off. That and he left me to pay for our dinner that night. I didn't find out until after I got home that he was arrested trying to run from the Chez Pierre when he said he was using the restroom."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Stacy; for your own sake, please start questioning what people say every now and then; at least for people you don't know well." Sandi's grimace from the first statement faded somewhat after the second part. "Anyway, like I said, I didn't care about his money. He does look really good, but it was more his attitude that attracted me. I gave him my lousy singing voice and he laughed it off. We'd sit in front of the TV, make fun of whatever we saw; it was the perfect relationship."

Quinn looked at Jane's hair quizzically. "That's a relationship? God, that sounds more like what you and Daria do." Quinn thought for a moment, and then gasped. "Wait, does that mean that you two are..."

Jane felt the eyes of all four Clubbies upon her. "No, that rumor isn't true either," Jane said forcefully, before adding, "Not that I haven't tried."

All four Fashion Club members yelled "Eeeeeeeew!" at this.

Jane smiled. "I'm kidding; I'm kidding. We're both straight, from everything I've seen. In fact it's the fact that we like one guy that's the problem right now."

Stacy spoke up. "Well, has Daria ever let you down before?"

Jane shrugged, afraid that shaking her head would disturb Quinn's manipulations, which had ceased a while back. "Not that I know of."

Sandi butted in. "Well then, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Daria wouldn't be so uncaring as to throw away a friendship over a guy she likes." Her tone of voice suggested to Jane that Sandi may in fact believe this to be the case.

Jane returned with, "I guess. Hey, how long is my hair going to take, anyway?"

Quinn answered, "Oh, it's been done for about five minutes. It'll just be twenty-five more to set."

Jane scowled. "Then why didn't you tell me?"

Tiffany responded, "It was a good conversation."

Stacy seconded, "Yeah, it's not often we talk with someone outside our social circle."

Sandi arrogantly smirked. "Like, this experience will help us in case we have to help any other unpopular people in averting fashion crises."

Jane grimaced as she stood. "Glad I could be your window into the other side."

---

"You've got to love how condescending shallow people can be when they're trying to help," replied Daria, after Jane had finished telling her about the conversation.

Jane smiled. "I guess I can take comfort that they weren't trying to get me out of their hair at the first opportunity. Speaking of hair," Jane removed the towel from her head, "am I striped yet?"

Daria looked at her friend's hair before her. "Um, no, not quite yet."

Jane frowned and tried to look up at her hair. "Is anything happening up there?"

Daria looked frightened, a look she had practiced in case this situation occurred. "Um, I think I had better go downstairs to see what Quinn's up to."

Jane walked over to a mirror. "Oh, come on, how bad could it..." Jane froze as she looked into the mirror. True blonde stripes alternated through Jane's usual black tresses. Jane looked almost exactly the way she had in her painting. "It's...it's...perfect!"

Daria put on her Mona-Lisaesque smile. "I'll warn Quinn about how it turned out."

Jane, her mouth still gaping at the vision in the mirror, came back with, "You do that. Tell her that when I come down and kiss her, the rumors are still false."

Chapter Fifteen

Jake looked over at his wife Sunday morning and noticed the look of frustration on her face, as well as the cell phone being thrown at the bed. "Bad news?" he said, hoping that there was at least some justification for Helen's messages.

There wasn't. "Thirty-seven messages." Helen picked up her notes. "Eighteen 'Just called to see how you're doing,' seven blatant attempts to get me into the office, five vague emergencies without any details, which I explicitly told him to give if there was a real emergency, four requests for good jokes for his golf buddies, and two inquiries about whether I, or my phone, was dead."

Jake thought over the numbers in his head. "That Eric is sure persistent. What was the other call?"

"Hmm?"

"The messages you mentioned totaled thirty-six, and you said there were thirty-seven." Jake was inwardly happy that he had paid attention and added the numbers in his head.

Helen frowned and looked over her ledger, trying to think of what she missed, but inwardly happy that her husband was thinking instead of reacting. "Hmm, that does...oh wait; I didn't mark down Eric's wife. She said something about Eric shaking like he was going through withdrawal and that I should call him back to calm him down. Dealing with that man had better put me next in line for partnership."

Jake thought this over. "Hmm, Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Morgendorffer; when you want the best legal representation, call 1-800-VDH-RSSM!"

Helen's frown evaporated. "Oh honey, I'm pretty sure they'll lose one of the names before I get put up there. Either Mr. Davis or Eric's father should be approaching retirement in the next couple years."

"A couple years? I'm surprised they haven't made you partner already!"

Helen, not happy with Jake's tone, answered with, "Well, they just put me on the fast track this past fall after that retreat, and there are four others that have seniority over me for partnership matters. Granted, one of them has been on the "fast track" for the last fourteen years. As you can imagine, she was none too pleased to be passed over for Eric."

Jake considered this thoroughly. "Helen, does anyone actually get promoted to partner from the inside?"

Helen took a step back, thinking it over. "Well...Vitale and Davis were there from the beginning along with Riordan's father, and Eric's father was signed over from another firm that disintegrated after he left. Horowitz was promoted to partner nine years ago after twenty years with the firm, and Eric was promoted after six years, though he obviously had some help."

"So by the time you have the chance to make partner, you could be ready to retire."

"Jake, it's all dependent on who retires when. That woman in front of me has been an attitude nightmare since I've known her, and one of the most vicious backstabbers you'll ever meet. They don't have grounds to fire her, no matter how many times they've tried, but they'll never make her partner. That's why I'm as cordial as I can be towards Eric. Two people ahead of me are fairly likely candidates, but both Vitale's and Davis's kids aren't going into law. All in all, my odds aren't amazing, but they're worth the effort. Starting over at another firm would be a crapshoot."

Jake sighed and sat down on the bed. "I guess. I just realized this weekend how much I missed having you around. I don't want you to give up on becoming partner, but I do miss having you to myself."

Helen put her arm around Jake. "I know; I've missed you too. I wish this weekend could go on forever; well, with the kids in the next room. I called Quinn while you were in the shower. Daria's friend Jane actually agreed to let Quinn and her friends dye her hair. She said it was supposed to be the Lady or the Spider."

Jake flinched. "Spider? Ewwww!"

Helen rolled her eyes. "Relax, she probably meant The Lady or the Tiger. There's an old story where a man has to choose between two doors: one has a lady, the other a tiger."

Jake pondered this. "Hmm, sounds like a good idea for a game show. The final wager: give up all the money you won for a chance at two doors. Behind one is a tiger in a cage, which means you lose. Behind the other is a beautiful lady with a new car!"

Helen looked at her husband, trying not to just blurt out that Let's Make A Deal had already been done. At least he's trying to think.

---

As Jake merged onto the freeway, Helen was on the phone with Eric for the first time since Friday. "Yes, Eric, I'm back to being available. Oh, Eric, that's cute, but you know that's not what I meant. No, really, that's not what I meant."

A careless Sunday driver tried to merge into Jake's lane at the point he was driving. "HEY! Watch where you're driving!"

"What? They need me in court tomorrow? I thought we'd agreed to a settlement! They paid the fine with more counterfeit money? How did they pay for our...no, forget it. If I'm representing them, I'd rather not know how they can afford us, would I?" Helen sighed. "That's what I thought; thank you for confirming my suspicions."

Meanwhile, a pickup truck tried to cross all four lanes of the highway in five seconds right in front of Jake. "Dammit! Where did you learn to drive?"

Helen looked over at Jake, briefly concerned, but then switched her attention back to her phone. "They're still not ready? Wasn't Ed supposed to have those finished by this weekend? Next weekend; oh, right, but doesn't he have some sort of wedding he's planning for? Yes, his mother. I thought he asked for half the week off. Oh, don't worry; I'll make sure he's on task, one way or another."

The car in front of him slowed drastically, but did not have working brake lights, which forced Jake to jam on his brakes and honk his horn. "Lousy punks and their $100 cars! Why can't you change a lousy light bulb?"

Helen, scowling at Jake, said, "Hang on a sec, Eric. Jake, calm down. You want to give yourself another heart attack?"

Jake, upset that this particular saying had made a return, countered with, "Dammit Helen, that car didn't have brake lights! I could have hit it without knowing it was coming at me!"

"At this rate, you're going to cut somebody off or hit someone. Calm down!"

"I am calm, Gah-dammit!"

---

Daria crept down the stairs to the sound of Jane snoring. Quinn's posse had already left, and Quinn herself was in the kitchen preparing a light lunch of a medium salad with a diced roasted chicken breast and a light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. "Good afternoon, Daria."

Daria looked at the clock. "Hmm, my clock said it was still before noon. I guess I need to reset it." Daria went to the fridge to hunt for a meal.

Quinn put her hand to her head. "Oh, and tell Jane they make these strips that go across your nose that help you breathe better at night. After seven o'clock, none of us could sleep over her snoring. How did you sleep so late?"

Daria smirked. "Earplugs; I've slept at Jane's house enough times to know better."

The phone rang, and Quinn picked it up. "Hello? Oh, hi Tom." Daria turned towards Quinn as she spoke Tom's name. "Um, yeah, she's here. One moment." Quinn put her hand over the receiver. "I thought you two weren't speaking with each other."

Daria walked over to the phone. "So did I." She took the phone from Quinn's hands. "Tom?"

On the other side of the line, at the Sloane mansion, Tom said, "Hi Daria! How's it going?"

Daria, flat as usual, replied, "Oh, almost as well as before you and Jane broke up."

Tom's face fell. "Oh. How's she been taking it?"

"Well, after the first couple days she stopped asking for your head on a platter. Right now she'd probably settle for a paper plate."

Tom rolled his eyes. "Daria..."

Daria knew what Tom was going to say. "She's doing pretty well, considering. She just had her hair dyed and she's been happy about that."

"That's cool. Hey, that theater that had La Dolce Vita last weekend has 8 ½ tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to go see it."

Daria's eyes went wide at this suggestion. "Tom, both of us promised not to date each other until after the summer, remember?"

"I'm not asking you on a date; I just wanted to know if you wanted to see some Fellini with me. If Jane or anyone else you know wants to come, she's more than welcome."

"Tom, even if Jane hadn't slept through 8 ½ the first time we saw it, I doubt she'd want to go anywhere with you right now."

Tom sighed. "Look, I didn't mean anything by it. I was just hoping I could salvage a friendship out of this."

Daria thought it over. "I know. We're still friends, Tom, and I think that once she gets over the breakup, Jane will be your friend too. We can talk about it later, though. Right now she's staying over here, and if she finds out I'm on the phone with you, she might get the wrong idea."

"Oh, I didn't know...that would be awkward, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah. Well, I guess I'll talk to you later. Bye."

"Bye," said Tom as he hung up the phone at the same time Daria did.

"Bye," said Jane, after both Tom and Daria had hung up. She put down the phone in Daria's room and said to herself, "The Lady or the Tiger; which will you be, Daria?"

Chapter Sixteen

Helen walked into the kitchen on Monday morning in her best court-appearance outfit. "Sorry, no time for breakfast; taking this weekend off has put me way behind on this case. I'm sorry, but the trial can't wait..." Helen trailed off as she grabbed her meal-replacement drink and looked around the empty kitchen, and remembered why it was deserted. "Oh, that's right: nobody would be up at 5 AM but me." She paused. "So who am I talking to now? Damn counterfeiters getting me worked up!"

---

Later that day, Jane was at Daria's locker at school. "Look, I realize that it's newer technology, but Action Dan the Action Man is a completely superior game to Mutant Zombie Space Pirates Four."

Daria rolled her eyes. "That's what you said about Splatter Up three months ago."

Jane, undaunted, countered with, "It was completely superior too, for the two hours it took to finish it, anyway."

Jodie chose this moment to walk up to the pair. "Hey Daria; hey Jane. I love the hair."

Jane played with the tress that covered her right ear. "Thanks. The person or persons that performed the job wished to remain anonymous; otherwise I'd recommend them highly."

Jodie smirked at that. "So I guess I should ask you: is it the lady or the tiger?

Jane looked over at Daria with a strange look in her eye. "Actually, I haven't really decided. I guess I'll need to wait and see."

Daria noticed Jane's gaze and started to speak when the Fashion Club came from behind her and Jane.

Sandi spoke first. "All right then, our evaluation of blushes begins officially tonight with presentations on some of the highlights and lowlights of the most recent blush technology innovations."

Tiffany was next. "I love technology."

Quinn added, "Thanks for volunteering your house this afternoon, Stacy. I promised Mom I would keep everyone out tonight to prepare for the roundtable tomorrow afternoon at my house."

Stacy smiled as she said, "Oh, I'm just happy to offer my home! I'm pretty sure Mom was able to pick up the right refreshments, but if something's missing, let me know."

Daria spoke as the foursome passed. "I could tell her what's missing, but I imagine she'd think a spinal column was gross."

Jane smiled. "Only if you showed it to her in person. I'm sure they've done posture lessons on how to pose their back to maximize their cuteosity."

Daria added, "I would call you on making up a word like that, but since they actually used it on the cover of one of Quinn's magazines, I'll give you a pass."

Jodie groaned. "Don't you guys ever get tired of picking on them?"

Daria responded. "I don't really consider that picking on them. I'm just pointing out a fact. Stacy needs a backbone like Kevin needs a brain and Upchuck needs a clue."

Jane added, "And with that, they're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Li!"

Jodie shook her head. "Somehow, I see her as the last person I'd go to looking for a gift."

---

Quinn came home from Stacy's house at about 6:05pm. She went into the kitchen and saw Jake preparing in his Lasagna Carbonara and rolled her eyes at the scene. "Dad, if you put in that much cheese and bacon in without adding more sauce and vegetables, it'll get too greasy and Mom's going to have a fit." Not to mention I've gained five pounds just looking at it.

Jake concentrated on the pan before him and said under his breath, "It's a little late for that."

Quinn was fairly sure she heard her father, but not that she understood him. "What?"

Jake, realizing what she said, looked up and said, "I mean, I've already put one in the oven for tonight. This one's for later in the week."

Quinn thought Jake was covering up what he said, but noticing another pan was in the oven, she responded. "Oh, well at least the next one will be a little healthier. I've got to go up and make sure I didn't miss taking off any blush from tonight's presentations."

Jake acknowledged Quinn's plans, and set about to adding extra sauce and broccoli florets to the pan before him. Quinn headed upstairs, but instead of heading to her door, she knocked on her sister's door.

"Would tonight's mystery guest sign in please?" said the voice from Daria's room.

Quinn opened the door, and found Daria at her computer, as usual. "Hey, Daria. Have you seen what Dad's making for dinner tonight?"

Daria stopped what she was typing. "No, but he described it to me and I felt my arteries harden as he spoke."

Quinn shook her head. "I know; it's like he doesn't care if I gain weight. Not that you don't have room in those clothes for another fifteen pounds or so."

Daria cocked her eyebrow at that, then lifted her shirt to expose her midriff. "So you want me to pack on the pounds?"

Quinn held out her palms. "No, no. Even with all that junk food you eat, you're at pretty much the weight you should be at. I'm just saying that you could overeat for a month and those clothes would still fit."

Daria shrugged. "I like them a bit loose. They're comfortable."

Quinn countered, "They're hiding your body. I'm not saying you need to start wearing skimpy outfits or anything, but please, try something that lets people see what you look like. Tom might really want to see that."

Daria got angry at that. "Tom? I'm not even speaking with Tom. I don't know why he called me up, but I'm not going to turn my back on Jane!"

Quinn tried to pacify Daria. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Geez, touchy. It's like that Shakespeare thing in English: I think she's being too much of a protester. "So how have Mom and Dad been?"

Daria snapped out of her anger. "Oh, they've been quieter, especially since Mom left to go back to the office."

Quinn looked at Daria questioningly. "Eric called her back?"

Daria nodded her head. "You'd think he could remember his day planner, or at least go and get it himself. At least, that's what Dad argued."

Quinn's face fell. "Not again."

Daria sighed. "They kept their voices down, but you could tell they were arguing."

Quinn sat on Daria's bed and punched her pillow. "Dammit, and they were doing so much better when they came home yesterday."

Daria nodded. "It's her job; I'm sure of it. Eric pushes her around because he can, so she has to push Dad around, and Dad can only push her back, thankfully not literally. They were probably fine at the hotel without any distractions, but with everything back to normal, everything's back to normal."

Quinn looked angry. "I hate this. We're their kids, but it's like we don't even have a say! I almost want them to just break up and be done with it."

Daria's eyes went wide. "Whoa, I know you don't mean that."

Quinn looked at her sister. "But I do! If they're going to break up anyway, then get it freaking over with. Otherwise, stop freaking arguing every single freaking day! I just want them to be happy so that I can be happy again." As she finished saying this, she started to cry.

Daria walked over and sat next to her sister on the bed. Quinn buried her face into Daria's shoulder. "There, there. It'll be okay. We'll get through this." Quinn dried her eyes. "Hey, if you feel that way, tell them about it. I've told Mom and Dad how I feel, but we both know you're more persuasive than I'll ever be."

Quinn sighed as she wiped her eyes. "I know. I keep meaning to, but every time I try, they seem like they're getting better, or it's the wrong moment, or something else comes up."

Daria patted Quinn on the back. "You'll tell them. You're my relation-of-an-undetermined-nature after all."

Quinn smiled at that description. "Come on, Daria. Everybody knows by now that you're my sister, except..."

Daria finished the sentence. "Sandi; and I can imagine why."

Quinn smirked. "Well, you tell me. Your chief rival for popularity wants to know something that you think will ruin your popularity; not to ruin you right away, of course, but to have something to hold over your head. You could keep anything you think could be dangerous to yourself and worry about what you're forgetting, or you could pretend that people knowing that we're sisters is devastating, but let everyone else know, confidentially, that it's the case."

Daria saw the genius of the scheme. "Sandi thinks she has an H-bomb, so she stops searching. When you force her to use it, it blows up in her face. And why don't you put that kind of research and planning into your homework?"

Quinn cocked an eye at her sister. "Why don't you put that creative brain of yours towards finding clothes that express your personality instead of hiding it?"

Daria looked down, knowing she was beaten. "Touché."

Chapter Seventeen

The next morning, Daria walked down the sidewalk on her way to Jane's house before school. Her thoughts had been unfocused until she got to the block before her first destination, where a blue rusted-out Pinto pulled up beside her. "Hey Daria," called Tom from inside his car.

Daria, her thoughts now incredibly focused, waved back. "Hey."

Tom gestured towards Daria as he rolled down the street. "Care for a lift?"

Daria, seeing Jane's house in the near distance, shook her head. "Thanks, but I'm heading to Jane's house, and seeing you might set her off."

Tom scowled at that. "I can't believe she's still that ticked off at me. We broke up over a week ago. It's not like I cheated on her or hit her or anything. Are you sure she's that angry?"

Daria shrugged. "It seems that way any time I bring up your name. I mentioned that we could ask you for help with an economics assignment, since your father works with the stock market, and she unfavorably compared it to napalming the school."

Tom smiled. "At least that would be fun, and you wouldn't have to worry about the assignment anymore."

Daria smirked at that. "That's what Jane said. Look, I'd suggest trying to talk to Jane first. If you really want to stay friends with us, you don't have to worry about my end of it."

Tom raised his eyebrow. "So you like being friends with me?"

Daria stopped walking and blushed as she stammered, "Um, yeah; friends. It's uh, good to have a third person to pick on. Well, that's Jane's house. I gotta get going. Thanks for the offer."

"No problem. Good luck surviving school." Tom drove off and smiled to himself. I knew it. Daria's ready, even if she doesn't want to admit it. I guess tonight's the big night after all.

Daria continued walking towards the house, unaware of the eyes that had watched her conversation from behind a Venetian blind at Casa Lane.

---

Anthony DeMartino stood before his class after writing "Benedict Arnold" on the board. "Continuing with our discussion of the Revolutionary War, we will now discuss one of the more INFAMOUS military leaders in American HISTORY. Does ANYONE know who Benedict Arnold was? KEVIN?"

Kevin Thompson, disturbed from his thoughts of trying to implement a play-action pass play on his next makeout session, responded, "Um, was he the guy that made that breakfast with that Holland-Dice sauce?"

Mr. DeMartino tried, in vain, to suppress his anger. "That's EGGS Benedict! Brittany?"

Brittany, concentrating on wrapping her hair around her finger, responded, "Um, did he marry Roseanne?"

As Mr. DeMartino struggled with his inner desire to strangle half his class, he saw Jodie raising her hand. "Jodie, would you please SAVE us from this Wisconsin DEATH TRIP?"

Jodie lowered her hand and said, "Benedict Arnold was a general in the Continental Army that sold secrets to the British that would have undermined the Colonist's base at West Point."

Anthony exhaled. "Thank you, Jodie. Now, does anyone else know what IMPORTANT location is found at West Point TODAY? KEVIN?"

Kevin attempted, and failed, to think this over. "Um, that's the factory where they make that sauce, right?"

Anthony closed his eyes and gave in to the pain he felt from banging his head against the blackboard. If anyone's going to hurt me THIS much, it had better be ME!

---

"Are these rodents cute and cuddly, or has a disease driven them insane? It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Squirrel, next on Sick Sad World!"

Daria looked up from the TV and over at Jane, who'd been quietly painting since just after they had arrived at Jane's bedroom. "That's just the kind of thing my Dad needs to see to drive him off the deep end again."

Jane, not looking up, said, "Mmm."

Daria, noticing Jane's lack of response, added, "If he's not getting mad at his father or his military school days, he's complaining about squirrels."

Jane continued painting. "Mmm."

Daria, wanting to make sure Jane was listening, said, "Which is a natural reaction after they tried to hold Mom for ransom."

Jane kept painting. "Mmm."

Daria realized she was getting nowhere. "Jane!"

That got Jane to stop painting. "Hmm, what?"

"As much as I don't want to go home to Blush-o-rama, it'd be nice to talk to someone besides myself."

Jane muttered under her breath, "Then why don't you go ask Tom."

Daria heard. "What?"

Jane realized what she had said. "Damn. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." Out loud.

Daria wasn't convinced. "Come on, Jane. It's been over a week. You can't be angry at him forever, especially when you both agreed to break up. It's not like he dumped you for another woman."

Jane arched her eyebrow. "Oh really, Morgendorffer."

Daria looked confused. "What does that mean?"

"Come on, Daria. I saw you walking along with Tom's car this morning."

Daria scowled, thinking of the morning's uncomfortable conversation. "Hey, he drove up to talk to me. It's not like I was rushing off into his arms."

Jane asked, "What did you talk about?"

"He wanted to make sure both of us would still be friends with him," Daria said, which wasn't a lie, even if it wasn't exactly the truth.

"Both of us?"

"Especially you. I told him that you were the one to talk to, since you were the one still angry at him that your relationship didn't work."

Jane stomped her foot. "I'm not angry with him!" Daria stared at Jane, and Jane sighed. "Ok, so I'm still angry with him. It's just that he made me feel like I was an idiot because I couldn't care less about those bizarre arthouse films or the boring philosophy books he'd been reading. We were going along fine, and then he starts trying to intellectually one-up me every chance he got. I swear it was like a game to him."

Jane sat down on a chair facing Daria. "Look, I don't think he did those things on purpose. He genuinely likes a lot of that stuff, and he told me that when you dismissed most of the topics he wanted to talk about, that it made him feel like you didn't care about what he had to say."

Jane put her head in her hands. "Yeah, I guess I can understand that." Jane looked up suddenly as a thought came into her head. "Wait, when did he tell you that?"

Daria folded her arms, upset with the direction this was turning. "At the Pizza Parlor, just before you came back to threaten him with a new definition of a pie in the face."

Jane thought this over. "So it wasn't during one of your phone conversations?"

Daria's eyes went wide. "What?"

Jane crossed her arms. "Oh, don't try to deny that you two have been talking on the phone."

Daria, getting upset, replied. "He called me, once. We touched base, we talked about you, and I ended the call. End of story. And how the hell did you know about that anyway?"

Jane, becoming equally upset, answered, "I picked up the phone Sunday to call Trent to see if we had anything resembling food in the house. I heard you talking about me, so I stayed on the line. And to think I told him to wait until after summer."

Daria's temper kept rising. "To ask me out, not to talk to me. He didn't think he was asking me for a date."

Jane snorted at that. "Believe what you want to believe."

Daria narrowed her gaze. "What does that mean?"

Jane stood firm. "If he's alone with a girl, that's a date to Tom. He told me that himself when we were setting up what I counted as our first date, but what he said was our second. Apparently going to Burger World to grab a bite to eat counted as a date, so I would imagine a freaking Fellini film would count too."

Daria shook her head, trying one last time to calm things down, and at the same time convince herself that Tom wasn't angling for her. "Even if he was interested in me, I would never break my promise. You know that."

Jane's frustration would not be abated. "I thought I knew that. Now I'm not sure of anything: not myself, not you, and definitely not Tom."

Daria had had enough. "You know, maybe I was wrong; maybe I should be at home. I can turn up my headphones and drown out the Blushathon, and at least there I won't be accused of betraying my best friend!" With that, Daria stormed out of Jane's room.

Jane stood up and yelled after her. "Wait! I didn't mean to..." She sank back down into her chair as she watched her bedroom door slam. "Good one Lane."

Chapter Eighteen

By the time Daria had gotten to within a block of her home, she had walked off most of her frustration. She had even resolved to apologize for acting childish when she went over to Jane's house the next morning. Maybe Jane would admit she was being childish too. However, her plans went out the window the moment she saw the car parked outside her house.

---

"So what I'm trying to say is that just because a blush doesn't have one of the top three brand names, that doesn't mean that you should dismiss it automatically."

Sandi looked across the circle at Quinn, who'd just made the last statement. Ever since the debate had moved from the kitchen table to Quinn's room for the preparation of dinner, Sandi had been losing ground. "I'm not saying that we should only focus on the top three brands, but we've tested the other brands in the top ten, and they're hardly comparable."

Quinn returned the volley. "That may be true, but Stacy found some really good results from some of the new startups that haven't been around long enough to make the top ten."

Sandi looked over at Stacy, who was preparing to back up her findings, and said, "With all due respect, Stacy could have just as easily found more duds than studs. Not everyone needs to take a shot in the dark on an unknown brand when they look their best with the big three." Sandi smirked as she finished her statement, knowing she'd made another step towards proving her superiority, while Stacy's self-confidence took another hit. Tiffany's silence on the matter could be considered a smart position, though without any additional information to add, the position was a matter of default rather than choice.

Quinn wasn't about to let Sandi have the final word. "Sandi, just because a brand..." Quinn cut herself off, however, as she heard the voices from below her.

"Dammit Helen, I've had it! If I have to hear one more time about that damn folding coffee cup..."

Helen's response to Jake's latest rant was inaudible to the four girls, likely because Helen was trying to keep both of their voices down. Quinn shook her head and went to begin again, but was interrupted again by Jake.

"But I've had my successes too! If only I'd spent more time with that firm down in Highland..."

Helen's response this time was easily heard. "Oh, so it's my fault you're on a downward skid?"

Jake's responses were getting louder. "Dammit, that's not what I said!"

Quinn buried her head in her hands; she wasn't crying, but the only way she could react was to hide from the situation.

Stacy looked on in concern, Tiffany looked on in confusion, and Sandi tried to take advantage of the situation, as per usual. "Gee, Quinn. Having both of your parents constantly arguing is quite an unfortunate situation. I hope that this development will not cause you too much stress, because that could drastically accelerate your aging process, and I know you wouldn't want to develop any premature wrinkles." Sandi finished her statement with a self-satisfied smirk, unaware of the consequences of her action.

Inside Quinn, a switch had been flipped. Her doubts, her insecurities, her desire to run away from the pain; it had all been pushed aside. In its place, an anger that had been building for several weeks had taken over her mind. Quinn's head came up. Stacy and Tiffany saw immediately her eyes filled with rage; her teeth gritted in determination; her face red with frustration. From her lips, four words emanated in a tone so even and calm, they brought fear into the hearts of both the secretary and treasurer of the Fashion Club. "This meeting is over."

Sandi, who hadn't been watching this transformation, began to say, "Excuse me, but I believe that I, as Pres..."

Quinn grabbed Sandi by the lapels of her blouse and brought Sandi's face within an inch of her own. As her eyes flashed with anger, she repeated, "I said, this meeting is over."

This sequence of events scared Sandi more than the thought of someone finding pictures from when she was forced to wear braces. "Um, er, yes, moved and seconded, meeting adjourned," she said as quickly as possible.

All three friends gathered their material and hurried to leave. Stacy, being the last one to exit, stopped at the bedroom door. It took all of her courage, self-control, and determination to turn around and say, "Q-Quinn, if you need a place for the night..." Stacy cut herself off and cringed as another volley was fired in the battle now being waged in the kitchen.

It was all Quinn could do to nod her head and say "Thank you," before Stacy ran off.

---

Sandi ran along with Tiffany and Stacy out the front door of the Morgendorffer house. She had decided to wait until Stacy came out to be sure this wasn't just some plot of Quinn's trying to get Stacy on her own. Even in her panic, she was aware that the last thing she needed were her friends becoming Quinn's allies.

As they ran off, she realized there had been a car parked in front of the house; a blue, rusted-out Pinto. She turned to look inside the car and grinned evilly. Heh, what do you know? At least the night wasn't a total loss.

---

Quinn stalked down the stairs towards the kitchen and her parents. When she got to the doorway to the kitchen, she saw what she expected: her father and mother shouting at each other and pointing their fingers randomly around the room. On the counter sat a half-full pitcher of a clear liquid and olives, which she knew by then had to be Martinis, and an empty bottle of relatively cheap wine, which to Quinn's knowledge had been half-full last time she'd noticed.

Helen's latest volley was, "I'm so sorry that I can't be around every night for your pleasure, but the last time I checked, I was paying most of the bills around here!"

Jake's counterstrike was, "Oh, so it's all right for Jakey's business to be tanking three minutes ago, but now when you're defending yourself, it's the main problem again!"

Quinn attempted to interrupt. In a small voice, she started, "Dad..."

Helen didn't notice Quinn was in the room. "I'm not saying that at all! Just don't make me a demon for needing to stay late every now and then to keep my job!"

Quinn wrapped her fingers around the empty wine bottle. She tried again, almost undiscernibly louder. "Mom..."

Jake hadn't noticed either. "Every now and then? Try every single damn night! If you're going to be gone all the damn time, I might as well not even..."

As Jake had started to edge his argument towards separation, Quinn raised the bottle over her head and brought it down swiftly onto a sharp corner of the counter.

The argument ceased as the bottle shattered. Shards of wine-covered glass flew through the air and onto the table and floor below. Quinn's adrenaline was flowing as she watched glass fly around her, oblivious to the neck of the bottle she still held like a weapon.

Helen was the first to speak. "Quinn?"

Quinn immediately responded. "Stop it! Just stop! I have had enough of this! Every freaking night you're fighting like freaking dogs. I can't take it any more!"

Jake attempted to fill the lull after Quinn stopped talking. "Honey, we're not fighting about you..."

Quinn held out her hand, palm facing Jake. "Stop. Don't even try that. I know it's not about me. It's never about me or Daria. If you stopped for one freaking moment to think about us, you wouldn't be fighting. You're tearing yourselves apart and taking us along for the ride. I just want peace!"

Helen chose her words carefully, somewhat afraid of her daughter's mental state. "Quinn, what are you asking?"

Quinn swallowed some of her anger. "I don't want to live through another two and a half years of this. Talk this out, get some counseling, take some time apart, even get a freaking divorce if you have to, but stop fighting."

Jake gulped at that. "Divorce?"

Quinn shook her head, the adrenaline wearing off. "I want you two to be happy together. I want to have my mom and dad love each other forever. But I'd rather get used to living without one of you than live through you two destroying each other every night. I...I..."

She trailed off as she dropped the neck of the wine bottle. She took three long steps, narrowly missing broken glass around her, and reached her parents, who had by then moved together. As Quinn put her arms around her parents, she broke into a full cry. Helen joined her, and Jake allowed more than a few tears of his own to join them.

They didn't notice when the fourth member of the family came in the front door, walked quietly up to her room, and shut the door.

---

Tom watched as Daria came up the sidewalk to his car. "Hey."

Daria scowled from the moment she saw Tom's car. "What are you doing here?"

Tom shrugged. "I wanted to talk to you. We didn't get much of an opportunity to talk this morning."

Daria looked at Tom. He seems fairly straightforward and honest right now. I'll ignore the sirens going off in my head for now. Still, I'm going to need some potential witnesses. "Did you want to come inside?"

Tom shook his head. "No, there are these girls in there, trying to redo the Lincoln-Douglas Debates with makeup instead of slavery."

Daria let a grin escape her expression. "That's just the current stage of the Blushathon. In a moment they'll be breaking the discussion to ask for pledges."

Tom smiled. "Well, at least they're not trying to hold a Toyotathon. Why don't you get in the car?"

Daria's grin was quickly forced off her face as she contemplated Tom's motives. Oh, what the hell. Maybe I can figure out what he wants. She opened the door, sat down in the passenger seat of the Pinto, and closed the door behind her. "So, I'm guessing you haven't talked with Jane, since she's been with me pretty much all day. Did you want to talk more about her?"

Tom shook his head. "Nope."

Daria was a little worried when that was all the answer he gave. "Um, so what then?"

Tom paused slightly. No guts, no glory. "About our situation."

I knew it. "Our situation? We can't have a situation, remember? I gotta get going." Daria started to open the door.

Tom stopped her. "Wait, why are you so mad at me?"

Daria turned to face Tom. "Why? WHY? Because when I moved here, I was certain that I would spend my High School years alone and adrift, just like I spent Junior High, and the only thing that stopped that from happening was a chance meeting with another outcast; one who gave me a reason to do anything more than keep my parents off my back. And now you come in here and offer me the chance to throw all of that away for a freaking date? Who do you think I am, Quinn?"

Tom stopped her ranting. "Look, all I did was find the same outcast and go out with her for a while. It got boring, we broke up. It happens every day. Now, because she's holding a grudge that I wasn't her Mr. Perfect, you treat me like a pariah when all I want is someone to hang out with that's less stuck up than I am."

Daria realized he was telling the truth, but she wasn't about to back down. "I promised Jane that I wouldn't even think about going out with you until summer. Didn't she make you promise the same thing?"

"I promised I wouldn't go out with you until after summer. I didn't say I wouldn't spend time with you or talk to you, and I damn sure didn't promise not to think about you."

Daria was starting to let down her guard. "All right; like I said before, I want to stay friends, but I'm not giving up my friendship with Jane to do it. In her eyes, if we were to start doing anything right now, we'd be cheating on her."

Tom nodded. "Exactly, and what kind of jerks would that make us?"

"Exactly."

"All right then."

"Fine."

Both teenagers paused for almost exactly two seconds. Then both turned their heads towards each other. Daria was planning to make a point to Tom, but it was quickly forgotten as Tom's lips met hers. They kissed passionately, and both pairs of eyes instinctively closed. After about five seconds, Daria's eyes flew open as she realized what she had been doing. She pushed Tom's face away, and Tom barely kept his head from bouncing off the window behind him. "Damn it! Damn this car, damn that kiss, damn my promise, and damn you!"

Tom rubbed his mouth and scowled. "Hey, damn yourself while you're at it. You liked it too."

Daria who was also scowling, stared daggers at the boy who had dared to kiss her. "I know; more than anything, damn me." With that, she dived into Tom's waiting lips.

Minutes passed, and finally Daria broke off the kiss. "Wow."

Tom smiled. "You're not so bad yourself; even better than Jane."

The mention of her best friend brought Daria crashing back to reality. "Oh no; she's going to kill me, and I'll deserve it."

Tom tried to calm her down. "It's all right, Daria. If it helps, you can blame me for it. I probably should have waited, but I just couldn't. Just tell her it's all my fault"

Daria sighed. "I can't do that. I can't lie to Jane."

Tom's eyes lit up at that. "So you..."

"I'm just as guilty as you are. Look, I gotta get going. I'll call you after I put the pieces back together. However, since I've already broken my word..." Daria reached over and gave Tom one last kiss. "See you around." She fumbled for the door handle before leaving the car.

"Good night, Daria." Tom watched Daria walk, unsteadily, back to her front door before he restarted the car and drove away.

Chapter Nineteen

Daria woke up the next morning. For her first hour of consciousness, that was the only thing she was sure of. Her mind replayed the events of the last night several times as she went through the motions of getting ready for school. Her argument with Jane had seemed silly at the time, but now seemed much more appropriate. The sit-down talk both parents had insisted on to assure her they would do more to stop fighting seemed like nothing but a blur. She was fairly sure her parents were too busy trying to convince her they weren't getting divorced to notice there was anything wrong with her. And then there was Tom. She still didn't have an answer for that one.

She walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Her father was reading the newspaper and talking to himself. "They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? What is this world coming to?" He saw Daria walk in and sit down at the table. "Oh, hey kiddo!" Daria didn't respond. "Still got a little stardust in your eyes, huh? Don't forget, if you're upset about me or your mother, we're here to...you can't drown them either? Dammit!" Jake looked from the paper in front of him to his watch. "Uh oh; gotta go! We can talk when you get home from school if you want." With that, Jake ran off to his car to get to work. Daria still had not said a word since she woke up.

Quinn was the next one to enter the kitchen. Any signs of the anger she'd shown the night before had disappeared into her usual, upbeat manner as she started fixing her breakfast. "Oh, Daria, I just wanted to tell you that the Fashion Club will be completing the final phases of our blush evaluation here tonight after all since Sandi's mother wouldn't allow her to use their living room, so I'd imagine you'd want to steer clear of here after school. I mean, you're welcome to join us and stuff, but I know you care about makeup about as much as I care about those weird philosotography books you like so much. Okay? Thanks!"

Daria, for her part, barely moved.

Quinn noticed this. "Daria? Are you still worried about Mom and Dad? Because I think my going off the deep end finally made them confront whatever it was that was tearing them apart, and they spent most of the night in the living room cuddling and talking instead of just going into their bedroom and...you know..." Quinn shivered as she usually did when she had to think about someone, especially someone she was related to, having sex.

Daria finally looked up. "Is Mom around?"

"What?"

Daria sighed. "I think I need to talk to Mom. Not about the whole fighting thing though."

Quinn exhaled a bit, relieved for a change in topic. "Oh, well good luck. She's gone every morning before I'm even thinking about getting up."

Daria thought it over, and finally decided to ask the only person she expected to see before the inevitable showdown. "Quinn, if your best friend made you promise one thing which seemed kind of silly at the time, but then you broke the promise without them knowing, would you tell them?"

Quinn rolled the words around in her mind, but they didn't seem to fit together any way she arranged them. "Why would I promise something that seemed silly? That sounds too much like something Sandi would do. God, Daria, you've got to lay off all those books before it's too late!" With that, Quinn grabbed the bowl of cereal and skim milk with bananas she'd prepared and went back up to her room.

---

Daria walked down the sidewalk past the Lane's house. She'd made the decision to not walk to school with Jane, in case she needed witnesses when she told Jane the news. As much as she wanted to dismiss what Quinn had said, she kept thinking about it. What if she made me promise her so that I would break the promise? She's been mad at him for far too long. If only I hadn't walked out on her. It made sense at the time, but now...

Jane saw Daria walk past her house without stopping, only turning her head to glance at the house. Damn it, she's still mad at me. I better get out there and apologize. She grabbed her bookbag and ran out the door.

Jane reached Daria before she had gotten to the end of the block. "Hey!"

Daria stopped. Damn it. "Oh, um, hi."

Jane continued. "Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I got worked up about Tom and assumed things that obviously weren't true."

Daria sighed. At the time, maybe. "Jane, you don't have to apologize."

Jane stepped in front of Daria. "Yes I do. I've been acting like an idiot, and you haven't deserved it."

Daria fought to keep her composure. "No, really, you have nothing to apologize for, Jane. If anything, I need to apologize to you."

Jane shook her head and smiled. "Come on; you were justifiably upset with me. Besides, it's not like you actually kissed him or anything."

Daria focused on the ground beneath her feet.

Jane's smile left her face and she became concerned. "I said, 'It's not like you actually kissed him or anything.'"

Daria forced herself to look Jane in the eye, but remained silent.

Jane's eyes went wide. "I knew it. I freaking knew it!"

Daria's gaze went back to her feet. "It wasn't until last night."

Jane seethed, ready to spring at Daria for thinking that had anything to do with anything, but finally turned to leave. She said, in a restrained voice, "Go to hell, Daria. I'm going home."

Daria reached for Jane's shoulder. "Jane..."

As Daria's hand touched Jane's shoulder, Jane turned around, drew her hand back and slapped Daria across the face, yelling, "Don't you ever touch me again, Morgendorffer! Leave me alone!" She turned back and ran at top speed back to her house.

Daria stood there, watching her former friend run away from her, and then sat down to let the tears flow.

---

Quinn gathered the Fashion Club around her locker before third period. "I really want to thank you guys for forgiving my temporary mental breakdown last night."

Sandi replied, "You're more than welcome. The pressures of being one of the elite at Lawndale High can get to almost anyone."

Stacy chipped in, concerned, "And please, if you feel like you might lose it again, feel free to talk to me...or Sandi, or Tiffany for that matter." She added the last part after Sandi started staring daggers into her.

Tiffany, oblivious to Sandi's stare, added, "We're here to help each other."

Quinn smiled, at least on the outside, at her friends. "Gee, thanks guys. I don't know how I would have made it through this without you."

Just then, Jodie walked up to the group. "Hey guys. Quinn, have you seen Daria at school today?"

Quinn shook her head. She only now realized that she hadn't seen Daria since she got to school. "She was in the kitchen when I got breakfast, but she was gone before I left. It's not like her to miss school."

Jodie nodded. "I know. Have any of you seen Daria, or Jane for that matter?"

Sandi spoke up, eager to use her latest ammunition. "I haven't seen that brain since last night, when she was sitting in an old, beat-up car in front of Quinn's house."

Quinn looked at Sandi, confused. "That's strange; Daria doesn't have a car, and why would Trent be driving Daria home five blocks?"

Stacy, suddenly remembering the events of last night, chimed in with, "That's right; I saw that car too! It was this blue, rusted out Pinto. Kind of an ugly car if you ask me."

Tiffany tried to bring the description and her memory together. "Blue, rusted out Pinto...it's like I've heard those words before..."

Quinn remembered the description from Jane's conversation, and then heard Daria's words in her head. Quinn, if your best friend made you promise one thing which seemed kind of silly at the time, but then you broke the promise without them knowing, would you tell them? "Oh Daria, you didn't."

---

Helen paced back and forth in her office, ranting at nobody in particular. "How do these people expect me to get anything done for them when they refuse to do anything for me?"

Marianne, Helen's able secretary, came to the office door. "Helen, there's someone here for you."

Just as Marianne finished getting her words out, Helen responded back. "Who is it? I told you I have no time for visitors or anything else until we have a case!"

Marianne stepped back, and Daria, her face still somewhat red from her tears and Jane's slap, stepped forward. This snapped Helen out of lawyer mode. "Daria?"

Chapter Twenty

The Settlement was a popular restaurant for tourists and locals alike. Tourists came for the décor and the "Best Crabcakes in Maryland" (making it one of only 247 Maryland restaurants to have been given that distinction by one media source or another.), while locals came back for the fast service and reasonably priced lunch specials, as well as the "Best Waffle-Cut Fries in Lawndale" (which was a much more unanimous decision).

On this particular afternoon, Daria and Helen Morgendorffer sat at one of the booths in The Settlement, splitting a basket of said fries (with Helen deferring the cheese cups to Daria) while Daria explained the last couple weeks. "So that's pretty much it. I finally get my first kiss, and it's from the one guy my best friend specifically asked me to avoid for the sake of our friendship. Now I'm lost and confused and I don't have anyone to talk to, so here I am talking to you."

Helen, sounding disappointed, said, "Oh."

Daria shook her head. "That's not the way I meant that to come out."

Helen, understanding and more upbeat, replied, "Oh. Well, Daria, you're going through a lot of changes and things are..."

Daria interrupted, "Mom, I need another puberty speech right now as much as I need a rant about squirrels. I kissed my best friend's ex after she practically threatened me not to."

"I'm sure it was just a quick, innocent..."

"For about two minutes straight."

Helen put her head into her hands and sighed. "It's a terrible spot to be in, Daria, but it's not like you helped Tom cheat on her."

Daria conceded that, partially. "By a matter of days. She was already convinced we were going out when they broke up. I wanted to prove that her friendship meant more than any feelings I had for Tom."

Helen arched her right eyebrow. "And to do that, you denied that you had any feelings for him whatsoever. Then, when the moment arrived, you were mad at Jane, sick of denying the way you felt, and taken by surprise, so the offer was tempting enough that you couldn't refuse it. Then, after that one kiss got through your wall, the dam burst."

Daria sighed. "That's the part I really don't understand. After the first quick kiss, I could have gotten out of the car and told Jane that Tom tried to kiss me. She'd get mad at him and we'd continue on."

Helen shook her head at her daughter. "And you'd lie to yourself and Jane about your feelings until the next moment of weakness. Look, let me use an example that's purely hypothetical and in no way relates to my current caseload."

Daria, realizing that Helen meant that it came directly from the case she'd been working on, said, "Okay."

Helen began her story. "Suppose there's this man who wanted to be a law-abiding citizen, but life was hard for him, and everywhere he turned he saw a way to get everything he wanted for almost nothing. Let's say he'd learned how money was printed and how to get the materials he needed from working for the US Mint for ten years. He tried not to think of it for months, even years, after leaving the job, but it kept creeping into his mind. Then, one day, his friend tells him that he's got a printing press for counterfeiting money, but that the quality is terrible. The friend really needs the money, or else he'll lose his house, his car, his job, and his child.

"He finally agrees to show the friend what he was doing wrong; the press ran too hot, the ink was wrong, that sort of thing. Eventually they started making realistic counterfeit money that seemed to be his ticket out. His friends were getting out of debt, he was living on real food instead of ramen and bologna, and nobody was on his back about old debts he'd run up trying to live on food stamps and odd jobs. Before he knew it, he'd made $4,000,000 worth of some of the most convincing fraudulent currency the US government had ever seen. You see, after you take the first step forward, the next thousand are that much easier to take."

Daria frowned. "So you're comparing me to a counterfeiter?"

Helen rolled her eyes. "Daria, I'm not trying to call you a criminal. I'm just saying that you may have done the wrong thing, but it was for the right reasons. Now you can be strong and do the right thing for your friendship, or you can keep doing the wrong thing over and over until you're attempting to pay for your defense with counterfeit money and illicit drugs, allegedly."

Daria's frown softened at that. "Thank you for reminding me why I'm not going into law school. So what were the right reasons again?"

Helen swallowed the fry she'd popped into her mouth while Daria spoke. "The main reason was that you wanted to get yourself out of a no-win situation. You knew how Tom felt about you. Jane knew how you felt about him, even if you wouldn't admit it to yourself. You knew she was being unfair in asking you to wait that long. If you hadn't kissed him, she'd probably continue getting more and more paranoid until your friendship was ruined anyway."

Daria wasn't fully convinced. "At least then it wouldn't be my fault."

Helen shook her head. "No, then you'd have gotten angry with her again for what she's been doing, your friendship would be just as ruined, and she'd be the one looking for guidance from her mother."

Daria smiled a little at that, thinking about Amanda Lane's response, or at least Jane's likely version of it. "If you hold a butterfly in your hands it will die. You have to let it be free, and hope it doesn't land on your best friend's hands. If it does, you'll have to squash it. And her."

Helen smiled. "See what I mean?"

Daria looked at her mother, taking in what had been said. "Mom, thanks again for seeing me, considering your case load."

Helen took in the sight of her daughter before her. "Oh that's all right, Daria. Think of it this way: my daughter, who rarely opens up to me and keeps her problems to herself 99% of the time, shows up in the middle of my workday looking like she's ready to come apart at the seams. On the other hand, I have some lowlife scum with somewhat decent intentions whom I've never met and are trying to get my firm in deeper trouble to cover their behinds, allegedly." Helen held out her hands. "Daughter in trouble; scum that could cost me my job." The hand she gestured to first sank down, while the other rose up like a catapult. "And anyway, considering the way you looked when you showed up, I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant."

Daria smirked at that. "Trust me, Mom; if I was, you'd have to prepare the guest room for three kings."

---

Jane sat at the kitchen table at her house. Her thoughts were scattered, but they became focused as a familiar musician entered the room.

"Yo," said Trent.

"Hey," replied Jane, still staring at the table.

"What'cha doing?"

"Thinking."

"Hair came out great."

"Thanks."

"Talk?"

Jane considered this. She had to tell someone. "I don't really know."

Trent, aware enough to know that Jane would normally be in school now, said, "Come on, you only miss art class when it's serious."

---

An hour later, Jane sat in Trent's car while Trent drove. "Hey, you know, about the whole thing with Daria, it'll be okay."

Jane sighed. "Yeah, I know. A part of me thinks it was better to have it happen now than after summer anyway."

Trent shrugged. "Maybe it was."

"So how come I feel like I'm being stabbed in the back?"

Trent looked over at his sister. "I don't know. Did Jesse leave the hanger for his vest on the seat again?" He smiled as he finished.

Jane smiled back, in spite of herself. "Idiot."

Trent turned back to driving, and then realized he'd lost an important bit of their previous conversation. "Where did you say you wanted to go?"

Jane's smile left her face as she leaned onto the door. "Tom's house, then Daria's."

---

The doorbell rang at the Sloane Residence. Tom came to the door, not expecting anyone. When he opened the door to see Jane standing there, he was concerned; partly because he hadn't expected to see Jane in a long time, but mostly because her hands were clenched in fists. "Oh, hi Jane," he said, without any particular enthusiasm.

Jane's voice was even less enthusiastic, "Yeah, hi."

Tom tried to lighten the mood. "So, would you like to come in, or would you rather stab me here in the entryway?"

Jane shook her head as her lips came as close to a smile as she'd let them get. "Nah, your corpse would look much better slumped over the sofa."

---

"I'm a real idiot," said Tom, sitting on the swing set in his parents' backyard.

"Who's arguing?" said Jane, sitting on the next swing over.

"I should have made my peace with you first before I went after Daria."

Jane cocked an eye at Tom. "You mean you should have never gone after Daria in the first place."

Tom shook his head. "No, I would have done that regardless of whether I'd kept my promise to you or not. I would have waited until the first day of school, and asked her then if I had to. I even had it planned out."

Jane looked down at the grass. "I guess I was hoping you'd find someone else, and I'd be able to keep Daria to myself."

"I'm not taking her away from you. She talks about you more than you talk about her, if that's possible. Sure, we'll want some alone time from time to time, but you'll still probably see more of her than I will."

Jane smirked. "Unless she lets you past second base."

Tom realized what Jane meant. "Hey, that didn't bother me. The physical end of the relationship was never an issue. If I had a statue of your body, I'd never sell it."

Jane considered this. "Thanks. You're not getting me to make that statue, but thanks. Daria's not so bad to look at herself."

Tom shrugged. "I haven't really thought of her that way. I mean, I probably will eventually, but right now I really like getting into conversations and debates with her."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Great, all that stuff that put me to sleep will make her come to life."

"Jane, I never had a problem with what you didn't know, but I always figured that if it meant enough, I could at least tell you about it. I just couldn't get past all those times you shot me down for bringing up something I thought was interesting. It made me feel like I didn't mean anything to you."

Jane thought this over. "Yeah, I can see how you could think that."

Tom chose his next words carefully. "You're a really cool person, Jane. I hope someday we can make another attempt at our friendship."

Jane looked into Tom's eyes. "Me too; especially since you might end up dating my best friend."

Tom smiled a bit. "I really hope Daria still wants to go out with me after this."

Jane looked back at the ground. "I'm sure she will. I'm just not sure whether she'll still be my best friend when she does."

Chapter Twenty-One

Daria had returned from lunch with her mother three hours before when the front doorbell rang. She turned off the television in the living room and walked to the entry. She found the person she'd expected ever since she came home on the other side of the door. "Hi," she said.

"Hello," Jane responded.

"Pizza?" Daria offered.

Jane shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

Daria nodded. "Neither am I."

Daria led Jane into the living room. With no parents around and Quinn not expected back for another hour or so, the two girls were alone. "Jane, I'm sorry I kissed Tom," said Daria, sinking into a chair.

Jane sat down on the sofa. "No, you're not."

Daria looked up, confused. "I'm not?"

Jane shook her head. "No, you're sorry that you had to do it behind my back."

Daria thought that over for a second. "That may be a more accurate depiction of my feelings, yes."

Jane posed a question to Daria. "Do you know why I asked you to wait until summer, Daria?"

Daria tried to figure out what answer to give. "Well, I imagine you didn't want to see Tom any time soon, but you also wanted me to prove I wasn't trying to take him away from you before you broke up. I kinda botched that one."

Jane folded her arms in front of her. "Big time; it's a good thing that wasn't my reason."

Daria looked across the room at Jane. "Oh, so what then?"

Jane sighed. "I was giving Tom enough time to find someone else to go out with."

"Ah."

"Yeah. I mean, it's April. That's, what, five months before the end of summer, and more than enough time for Tom to find someone new if he wanted to. Then I wouldn't end up losing both of you."

Daria was still trying to see Jane's point of view. "Why would you be losing both of us?"

Jane sat forward to lean towards Daria. "Look, if you're spending all your free time with a guy that I don't want to see for a long time, I'm not going to see all that much of you, am I? I wasn't ready to face that."

Daria shook her head. "Jane, I wouldn't spend all my free time with Tom."

Jane held out her index finger. "Hey, that's what I said the day after I met him at the Zon. Wasn't that a fun couple months for you? We got to see each other, oh, twice a week after school, maybe? How many of our daily walks to and from school were shortened by a blue, rusted out Pinto?"

Daria couldn't argue. "You're right. I'd probably spend a lot more time with him, and you'd have that much more time alone. Whereas, if you got your way, Tom would have found someone else and left both of us alone and we'd be back to where we started. Except..."

Jane continued Daria's sentence. "Except that all summer you'd be questioning what might have happened. Well, here's what would have happened: Tom would have shown up on the first day of school and asked you out."

This surprised Daria. "Really?"

Jane looked down. "I got it straight from the jackass's mouth. And as much as I knew it would hurt me now, it would probably hurt me just as much then, knowing that he only waited because I asked him."

Daria looked down as well. "So does that mean you're not upset that I kissed him?"

Jane's head snapped back up suddenly. "Of course I'm upset! I told you to stay away from him! What made you get into his car?"

Daria held up her hands, defensively. "I just wanted to find out what he was doing at my house! At least, I think that's what I thought." Daria sighed. "I should have just left after he said he didn't want to talk about you."

Jane smirked. "The Lady or the Tiger; I guess my choice didn't matter after all."

Daria replied, "I told you, Jane; I tried to do what you..."

Jane explained, "That's not what I meant. Look, I knew I couldn't have Tom. At the same time, a part of me knew that you would be happier with him than without him. My options were to let him go after you or try to rid him from my life entirely. I was so angry at you, him, and myself that I tried to unleash the tiger on everyone, but you wound up together anyway. I guess it was meant to be."

Daria shook her head. "I don't know if anything's meant to be. I don't even know if we're still friends anymore. I want to be, but that's kind of out of my hands right now." She looked over to Jane with hopeful eyes.

Jane looked into Daria's eyes, contemplating her likely future with or without Daria as a friend. "Be honest with me. Before Tom and I broke up, were you thinking about going out with him?"

Daria paused before answering. "I didn't think so at the time, but looking back, I realize how jealous I was, and how much I had wanted a Tom of my own. I fought it for a long time because I didn't want to lose you as a friend. I thought that if you knew I had feelings for Tom, you'd blame me if and when you two broke up. Once you two did break up, there was only the promise to hold me back, and last night that promise wasn't enough. After holding back for so long, I couldn't help myself. I know that it doesn't excuse what I did, but it's the truth. If you never want to see me again, I understand."

For a moment, time stopped. Daria's explanation was exactly what she wanted to hear, the unvarnished truth, but it didn't make Jane's decision any easier. In the end, the words she spoke were the truth, but they were still the hardest words Jane had ever had to say.

"You're still my friend, Daria."

Daria's face softened with relief, grateful for what those words meant to both of them. "You're still mine, Jane."

The moment passed, and Jane felt the need to lighten the mood a bit. "Just don't expect me to tag along with you and Tom for a while. Ex or not, I'm not ready to buddy up with the boy whose corpse I just painted in as many poses as I could think of. I'm calling it 'The 1001 Deaths of Tom Sloane', but that's really just hyperbole. I don't have nearly enough canvas for that, and I haven't come up with that many ways of killing the bastard just yet."

Daria shrugged. "Hey, by the time all of this is over, I may be able to help you come up with more. After all, I found a reason to fall for Tom, just like you did, so maybe I'll find a reason to dump him, too."

Jane smirked at that. "Now, now; don't go getting my hopes up. Seriously, you two have a good time and try to make it work. As much as I want to see Tom suffer, I still want to see you happy. I mean that. Also, it'll be that much more satisfying when you do dump him for being the loser I've come to know."

Daria returned the smirk. "See; I knew you would eventually warm back up to him."

Jane shook her head. "Going through hell tends to warm people up quickly. Speaking of which, I'm really sorry I slapped you."

Daria rubbed the side of her face. "That's all right; it was an appropriate response, given the situation, and I was pretty numb to the world at the time. Besides, now I know who to call if my sister ever fails to repay a loan."

Jane smiled and stood up. "Ten percent is all I ask. Listen, I think we should take the rest of the week off from the whole 'best friends' thing. I've dealt enough with you and Tom for the last two days to last the rest of the week."

Daria nodded. "Yeah, I can imagine you could stand to put me out of your head for a while. See you in class, though?"

Jane nodded. "Yeah, I can't really afford to miss the rest of the week over this. See you before school Monday at my house?"

Daria smiled. "I'd like that."

Jane smiled back, sadly. "I hope I will too. Bye." With that, she walked out the door, leaving Daria standing alone.

---

Quinn walked up to Daria's open door. As she looked in, she saw Daria sitting on her bed, staring at the cordless phone in her hands. She watched for a few seconds, as Daria made no movement to suggest she would be dialing any time soon. "Hey Daria," Quinn said without energy as she walked into the room.

Daria turned to Quinn and said, "Hey."

Quinn sat down next to Daria. "Trying to call Tom?"

Daria set the phone down and looked down at her feet. "Yeah, but not getting anywhere. So Mom told you about Tom and me?"

Quinn shook her head. "No, Sandi did."

Daria turned her head sharply towards her sister. "Sandi?"

"She saw you two kissing as she was running from my tirade last night."

Daria calmed her nerves. "Oh; that makes sense."

Quinn continued. "How did it go with Jane?"

Daria shrugged. "She slapped me, ran away, came back and ran me down for what I knew I did wrong. Somehow, after all that, she still wants to be my friend."

"Wow, she must really care about you to forgive you like that."

"I'm not sure if she forgives me or not, but at least she isn't blocking me out of her life."

Quinn looked at the ceiling. "Just imagine, the stress finally gets to both of us, and you're the one going out with a boy behind someone's back."

Daria smiled a little. "And you're the one snapping at your parents and breaking things, although I found that hard to believe this morning when you were your usual chipper self."

Quinn sighed. "You know, life's not exactly a bowl of berries for popular people either. Forcing myself to look happy is how I get through my life. I wake up, shower, put on my clothes, put on my makeup, and put on my attitude. Granted, most days that's easy to do, because it's the way I really feel. Days like today though, well, that's why I do it. If I came to school looking depressed or crazy, forget it. The teachers would be all over me, Ms. Li would force me see Ms. Manson, and my whole public persona would unravel. It'd be like you showing up looking concerned for someone's well-being or passionate for some cause instead of making wisecracks and being sarcastic."

Daria remembered a line from a song she'd heard on the radio. "'I'm not a man of too many faces. The mask I wear is one.'"

Quinn didn't understand. "Hmm?"

Daria shook her head. "Just something I heard once; don't worry about it. You know, you're really not as dumb as you act."

Quinn started to get upset, but then gave Daria a bashful smile when she realized what Daria meant. "Yeah, I know. You're not really as heartless as you act."

Daria smiled back. "No, but..."

Both said together, "Sandi is." Both laughed when they heard their voices in unison.

Quinn got up to leave, but turned around before she did. "You know, maybe that's why I'm afraid to tell people I'm your sister. Maybe if I was the one that had to wear glasses at age three, I'd be you and you'd be me."

Daria saw what Quinn was saying. "Maybe; I think you'd still be a brat, but who knows?"

Quinn smiled. "Hey, if you could pull off being a brat, you would too."

Daria replied, "Maybe; I guess it's a good thing for both of us that I got the glasses."

Quinn laughed. "Yeah. Imagine trying to pick a Jane out of the outcasts in my class. Well, good luck calling your boy." As she walked out of the room, she added, "Quinn."

Daria understood what Quinn meant and smirked. "Thanks, Daria." As Quinn left the room, Daria picked up the phone. After holding it for a few seconds, she dialed a number she'd memorized that night. The phone rang twice.

A familiar voice picked up. "Hello, Sloane Residence."

Daria smiled. "Hi Tom."

The End

And if I told you that I loved you

You'd maybe think there's something wrong.

I'm not a man of too many faces;

The mask I wear is one.

-Sting, "Shape of My Heart"