Snowed out 
Chris Orban 

Teacher: So, do any of you delinquents know who launched the surprise attack on pearl
harbor? Brittany, 
Brittany: Uh-huh 
teacher: Brittany, I am well aware that you are coming in before school to study with your
tutor, is that true? 
Brittany: Yep, I’m trying to improve my grades so I can get into a good cheerleading school.

teacher: As opposed to a good football school I presume. I suppose the challenge wasn’t
too daunting for you to do your homework, now was it. 
Brittany: Nope 
teacher: Then who ambushed our troops in pearl harbor? 
Brittany: I don’t know. 
teacher: guess 
Brittany: The nazi’s? 
teacher: No, would any one else like to answer the question, or shall I assign double
homework? 
Daria: [raise hand] 
teacher: Daria 
Daria: It was the Japanese 
teacher: That is correct, but as for the rest of you, do the review questions for the next
chapter. 
Kevin: Hey, Daria. 
Daria: What. 
Kevin: How did you know that. 
Daria: I was alive when it happened. 
Kevin: No way, how old are you then. 
Daria: I’m 80. 
Kevin: You don’t look old. 
Daria: I was envolved in a youth regeneration project, and it worked so good that it turned
me into a teenager again. I had a husband, but he didn’t recognize me, and neither did my
kids or my relatives. So I declared myself dead, and moved to Lawndale to start a new life.
However, because of my new appearance none of my I.D. was valid, so I reapplied for
social security, and enrolled in school. 
Kevin: Cool 

Jane: So what are you doing for spring break? 
Daria: My parents are taking me on their business trip to Aspen. What about you? 
Jane: Trent’s friend from high school is having a party at his beach house. 
Daria: At least you have a house to stay in, I have to wander around the hotel. 
Jane: It’s not really Trent’s friend that owns it, it’s his fraternity. 
Daria: When do you leave? 
Jane: Monday 
Daria: Me too. 

Mom: This is great, we’ll finally get away from the dullness of suburbia, and into the
mountains. 
Dad: I can’t wait honey. What about you Daria. 
Daria: I’m a little boy on Christmas eve. 
Quinn: I don’t want to go, mom, I don’t know how to ski. 
Mom: You’ll never learn unless you try, or you could just stay in the lodge for a while. 

[Quinn dream] 
[Quinn’s in the lodge surrounded by guys, Daria falls while skiing and makes a huge snow
ball which hits the window of the lodge with Daria’s face in the window] 

Quinn: Ok, I’ll go. 

Jane: So, Trent, just how did you meet this guy? 
Trent: We were lab partners in 10th grade. We researched the effects of a quart of alcohol
on a human being, and a dog for fun. 
Jane: What were the surprising results? 
Trent: the dog passed out. 
Jesse: I had a dog once, but he ran away in 10th grade. 

[Plane] 
Cap’t: This is your captain, it is 10:05 right now, we will arrive at Aspen in 4 hours, which
would be 2:05. 
Attendant: Please fasten your seatbelt for take off. 
Quinn: Daria, how do these big planes fly. 
Daria: The wing has one curved surface, and one straight surface, when wind blows over it,
it creates a section of low pressure above the wing because the air above the wing has to
move faster than the bottom. This allows the wings to create enough lift to counteract the
weight of the plane. 
Quinn: Really, how does it fly? 
Daria: The landing gear tires are filled with helium, which makes the plane float. Helium is
balloon air. 
Quinn: Oh. 

[Show all characters sleeping, and a clock beside them, except Upchuck, he’s sleeping
and saying grrrr] 

[commercial] 

Quinn: [Walks back to her seat] Daria, Daria 
Daria: [Looks up from magazine]What, Quinn. 
Quinn: I just came back from the bathroom. 
Daria: Tell me more. 
Quinn: Don’t interrupt. The toilet made really weird noises when I flush, how does it work? 
Daria: Turn the handle. 
Quinn: I mean what happens after that? 
Daria: When it is flushed, the waste is separated into solid, liquid, and gas. First, the gas is
pressurized, and condensed. Then on landing it is sold to a butane factory. The liquid has a
similar process, but it is sold to the non-alcoholic beer factory. And finally, the solid waste
is dried, and formed into a cow patty. Then it is ejected when we fly over Iowa. 
Quinn: One more time 

[playing ‘Born in the country, where do I want to go’] 
[Van] 
[View all characters in van for a while] 
Jane: Somebody, change the station. 
[Soundgarden] 

[plane] 
Quinn: Daria, wanna play the glam rate quiz. Mom’s asleep. 
Daria: Whatever. 
Quinn: Question number one. How many sticks of lipstick do you own? A. 10-20, B.21-35,
C. 35+ 
Daria: Well, with my physique, I tend to concentrate on earth tones and natural
pigmentation to highlight my facial bone and muscle configuration. 
Quinn: How many? 
Daria: D. None 
Quinn: Ok, Question number two. [Daria rewinds her tape][presses record] 
Daria: How about I ask you the questions. 
Quinn: Ok 
Daria: Question number two. How many lovers have you had in the past year? A. 3-5 B.
6-10 or C. Monica Lewinsky. 
Quinn: I.. 
Daria: If we skip this question, your glam quota will be unbalanced. 
Quinn: All right, B [Daria stops tape] 
Daria: Good answer. 
[Beach house] 
Trent: John how you doing? 
John: fine, chuggin’, thinkin’, and partyin’ yeah! 
Jane: So, he’s one of the party majors. 
Trent: Ha, Ha 
John: So, who’d you bring along? 
Trent: My sister Jane, and my fellow band member, Jesse. 
John: Didn’t we use his dog to- 
Jane: Play catch with until he ran away. 
Trent: Ah, High school. 
John: Let me show you to your room. 
Jane: [To Trent] Tell me he said rooms as plural 

[Airport] 
[guy sits down beside them] 
guy: So where are you from? 
Daria: We’re spies from Quatar, sent by the king to investigate Aspen, and decide if it is
worthy for our capture. Excuse me, I have to bow to Mecca 40 times. 
guy: Your parents made you come. 
Daria: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you. 
guy: This flight came in from Lawndale, you’re not a spy. 
Daria: Darn, I knew my cover wouldn’t last long. 
guy: Vacation? 
Daria: Business trip. 
Guy: How long are you going to be here? 
Daria: The rest of the week, supposing that my dad doesn’t fall asleep in the conference
room from jet lag. 
Guy: Have you ever skied before. 
Daria: No, but I had a pen pal that saw snow. 

[Frat house] 
John: Welcome to me, and my roommate’s humble abode. Me frat casa is su casa. 
Jane: Where do we sleep? 
John: On the floor, you brought your sleeping bags didn’t you? 
Jane: No 
John: Well, chances are, we don’t get back to three. Or, we pass out walking to our beds. I
suppose one of you could borrow his bed. By the way ‘Party at 8’ yeah. 

[hotel] 
Mom: Here is your ski passes, just go on the tram to the mountain in the lobby and have
fun. 
Daria: Can’t wait. 
Quinn: I’m tired mom, can I just go to the pool first? 
Mom: Sure honey. Bye. 

Daria: [walking to lobby][on tram] 
guy #1: Skier or boarder? 
Daria: I haven’t thought about it. 
guy#1: first time. 
Daria: And probably last. 
guy #1: You know I could show you the ropes. 
Daria: I don’t need your help. 
guy #1: Well then, you don’t need me, why don’t you just go home and feed your cat. 
Daria: I’m a pessimist, not a Feminist. 

Daria: [top of hill] Here we go. [she falls bad] 

[hotel] 
Daria: [Opens door, no one notices her or her sprained wrist] Hey, look at me, I’m the new
walking, talking robot. 
Dad: [Watching TV] Hey Daria, how ya doin’ kiddo? 
Daria: Thumbs up dad. [puts up her brace with the thumb permanently up]. What are you
doing? 
Dad: I’m watching premium television. 
TV: [South park] Ha, ha, new kid. You smell like fart. 
Dad: See what we’re missing. 

Daria: [Walking to spa] Geez, the comedy central animation building must be some shack
in Virginia beside a helium factory. 
[pulls out from scene to a poster of Daria on a writer’s cubicle] 
Writer: Unlike the MTV animation building. Turn it down! I can’t hear myself think.[shot of
Beavis and Butt-head writing department, with trampolines, big screens, music, etc.] 
Writers: [turns it down a little] Ha, Ha [turns it up] 
Writer: Hmm...[look at air vent] 
[looking at switch box in the dark] 
[cuts wire] 
[next scene is the cubicle with the guy on the trampoline seen at peak over the top of the
cubicle] 
[back to episode] 
Daria: [got to spa] That was a waste of time. Quinn! sis! 
Guy: [In spa with Quinn]Is that girl calling you? 
Quinn: No, there must be some other Quinn she wants. 
Daria: There you are Quinn. 
Quinn: Nice to meet you, but how do you know my name? 
Daria: You don’t remember. I’m your sister. 
Quinn: Fine, Daria, what do you want? 
Daria: [to guys] Don’t make any sudden movements, fellas, you don’t want her to do any
thing rash. Quinn..Mom..and..Dad..want..you..to..go..back..to..our..room. 
Quinn: Why? 
Daria: It’s time to take your pill. 
Quinn: What pill? I don’t have to take pills. 
Daria: Quinn, Denial is the first stage to acceptance you know. 
Quinn: But I DON’T TAKE PILLS. 
Daria: Now you’ve reached the second stage, anger. Quinn you need to let this out. 
Quinn: Daria, there’s five dollars in my backpack in the room. Leave, and it’s yours. 
Daria: In the third stage the patient will exchange anything for what he or she wants. 
Quinn: Fine, Daria. I’ll be back you guys. 
Daria: Ahh, the final stage, acceptance. [shot of girls in hot tub, to girls by/in pool] 

[Party] 
Trent: Most of these girls are anorexic you know 
Jane: Ghandi would be proud. 
Trent: Good one, Jannie. What do you want to do now? 
Jane: I don’t know. This whole scene looks like a beer commercial to me. I’m gonna go
look for the talking frogs. 
Joey: I’m gonna go surf. See ya. 
Trent: Bye. Jane, I’m going to the mall. You want a ride? 
Jane: Nah, I’m gonna stay here and see how many people I can convince I’m 18. 
Trent: Well, bye. 
[dive shop] 
Diver: Have your parents sign this consent form, and we’ll suit you up. 
Jane: What do you mean my parents. I’m 18. 
Diver: Sorry, I didn’t know. 
Jane: [to person in line]He’s a little light headed. Decompression takes a while, you know. 
Diver: Just sign here in agreement that you will not sue the beach if you are eaten. And
check burial, cremation, or donation to science. 
Jane: How can I sue anything if I’m dead? 
Diver: [look at contract][turn contract upside down] 
Jane: How long have you been doing this? 
[under water] 
[diver passes around starfish] 
[A school of fish swim by and the guide disappeared] 

[hotel] 
Jane: [On telephone] So then a school of fish swam by, and he disappeared. 
Daria: What happened to him? 
Jane: Either he found the lost city of Atlantis, or he’s sleeping with the fishes. What’s
happening over there? 
Daria: I sprained my thumb skiing. So I focused my concentration from skiing to convincing
the guys in the hot tub that Quinn is a mental patient. 
Jane: How hard can it be to convince drugged snowboarders that Quinn’s behavior is a
result of a chemical imbalance. 
Daria: Piece of cake. 
[commercial] 

Jake: All right Daria, I’m going to my business meeting. Mom’s hitting the slopes, and
Quinn’s still in the hot tub? Well, bye. 
Daria: Bye, Dad. Let’s see what’s on premium television. 
TV: I want my cheesy poofs! 

[meeting] 
Jake: So then the little fat kid said. "Ha, Ha, new kid, you smell like fart!" Ha, Ha, Ha. 
Boss: Let’s start the meeting. Today, we have a special guest, the accounting expert, the
W2 wizard. Bartolemu De Las Casas. 
[spanish guy walks in] 
Bart: Hello! 

[hotel room] 
TV: If your dog could talk, what would it say? Next on, Sick Sad World. 

[meeting] 
Bart: Then, you give your house to your children, tax free! 
Jake: [raise hand] But, what if the kids sell the house and move to Mexico or something. 
Bart: Me-hico is a Be-utiful country. 

[hotel room] 
TV: [Springer]["How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop" in
corner][scene with KKK and gang leader] 

[meeting] 
Bart: Then you get citizenship in another country, and put all the money in a Swiss bank
account. 
Boss: Isn’t that illegal? 
Bart: Not if you’re a citizen of the world like I am. 
Boss: Does one of these citizenship’s include the United States? 

[hotel room] 
TV: Antarctica, fact or fiction. Next on Sick, Sad world. 
Jake: [unenthusiastic]Hi, Daria. 
Daria: Dad, back so soon. 
Jake: Yeah, our business seminar was on tax evasion by a Mexican illegal immigrant. 
Daria: Oh, darn, are we gonna have to leave early Dad? 
Jake: sorry, kiddo. 

[Coffee House] 
[Mystic Spiral is playing] 
Trent: Good Bye![half singing] 
Jane: You guys are killing out there. 
Trent: And we get all the free cuppachino we want. 
Jesse: [jittery] Isn’t coffee beans the currency of Columbia. 
Jane: Close, Its bananas. 
Jesse: I knew it was something like that. Cuppachino please. 
Jane: [To Trent] I’ll be the designated driver. 
Trent: Don’t worry Jane, If we have to get his stomach pumped we’ll just use the beach
house vacuum cleaner. 
Jane: When are we going back to Lawndale? 
Trent: That’s right, you have school. 
Jane: Yes, and you have to sleep, and live with your parents, had you forgotten? 
Trent: No, I was having a good time. Well, sooner or later John’s fraternity will figure out
were sleeping in the beach house, and they’ll kick us out, otherwise, we’d have to be
initiated. 
Jane: Or, possibly, classes will resume on Monday. 
Trent: That might happen too. 

[Plane] 
Daria: First time on a plane 
Kid: Yeah. 
Daria: Not to worry, you’re flying on the state-of-the-art Boeing 737. There are very few
dangers envolved, in fact, you’re chances of surviving an airplane crash and being eaten by
sharks as we go over the ocean is very, very slim. 
Kid’s Mom: We’re not going over the ocean. 
Daria: Even more reassurance. 

[Van] 
[shot of the van, first with Trent, and Jesse, then you see the back filled with cuppachino,
while Jane is sitting on a box] 
Jane: Bathroom break, anyone? 

[Class room] 
Teacher: Students please. Be quiet! 
Daria: So we had to go back home because the business seminar was hosted by an
illegal immigrant on tax evasion. 
Teacher: It is called spring break, because it is in the spring, and school resumes after the
break. Thank you. Your assignment is...to, um. Write an essay of the psychological effects
of Vietnam on Americans today. That’s it, I’m going to the teacher’s lounge! 
Jane: So Trent decided that it was against the laws of physics for Jesse to stay up any
longer, and he drove home. 

THE END