SNOW DARN!

By

Patrick Moore

MTV and Viacom owns DARIA and related characters.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE-MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM-DAY

(Daria and Jane are watching TV.)

TV ANNOUNCER- Is the gold dollar really counterfeit, or is it just a plan to let Bill Clinton run for President for four more years? Find out as part of out 24 hour "Sick, Sad World" marathon this weekend.

JANE- At last, a reason to stay home on the weekend.

DARIA- Now all they need is a cable network.

(Helen enters.)

HELEN- I need to change the channel for a minute, girls.

DARIA- Did Aunt Rita get picked on "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" again?

HELEN- Daria!

DARIA- What?

HELEN- I want to turn to the news to see about the weather.

JANE- Don’t tell me we’re going to have another hurricane?

(Jake enters.)

JAKE- Snow!

HELEN- Jake, we don’t know if it’s going to snow, and that’s why I’m turning to the weather report right now.

(Helen changes the channel on the TV. On the screen, we see a Willard Scott look alike pointing to a map.)

WILLARD- It looks like the suburb town of Lawndale will be hit by a strong snowstorm tomorrow afternoon. I predict that Lawndale will just get a drizzle. And now for people’s birthdays over 100.

(Helen turns off the TV.)

JAKE- I knew it!

HELEN- Jake, he said a drizzle.

JAKE- Weathermen lie sometimes, Helen. It’ll snow like hell tomorrow.

HELEN- That’s what you said last year, and it didn’t happen.

JAKE- Damn it, Helen! I know it’s going to snow like hell this year!

DARIA- How do you know, Dad?

JAKE- Gut instinct, Daria. I know these things like a steel trap.

HELEN- And the brain of an idiot.

JAKE- What, Helen?

HELEN- Nothing, Jake.

SCENE TWO-DARIA’S ROOM-ALMOST NIGHT

(Daria and Jane are sitting on Daria’s bed.)

JANE- Do you think Jake’s right about this?

DARIA- What?

JANE- The snowstorm, genius.

DARIA- The only thing he said about a snowstorm was when Mad Dog Morgendorffer made him hike in a blizzard for the whole day, and he never forgot about it.

JANE- Never?

DARIA- Never.

JANE- Want to bet on it?

DARIA- I don’t gamble.

JANE- I’m talking about school closings. I bet that Lawndale High gets closed tomorrow.

DARIA- What’s your wager?

JANE- If the school closes, you go out with Trent to lunch this weekend.

DARIA- I hate you.

JANE- I was kidding.

DARIA- I still hate you.

(Quinn enters.)

QUINN- Daria, can I borrow your green jacket?

DARIA- What for?

QUINN- I’m going to stay over at Sandi’s for the night.

DARIA- It’s a school night.

QUINN- Mom will say it’s okay.

HELEN’S VOICE- Quinn, you know you can’t stay over your friends on school nights!

DARIA- (Smirks.) Told you.

QUINN- (Frowns.) I hate you.

DARIA- Join the club.

(Quinn leaves.)

DARIA- (At Jane.) As for you…

JANE- I better get going too.

(Jane leaves.)

(Jake enters holding a box full of canned peaches.)

DARIA- What’s with the canned peaches, Dad?

JAKE- It’s for the shelter, kiddo. With the snowstorm coming and all, we better be prepared with food and water just in case.

DARIA- We don’t have a shelter.

JAKE- Just come with me to the basement to see what I’ve been doing to it.

DARIA- Do I have to?

JAKE- Yes.

DARIA- Damn.

SCENE THREE-MORGENDOFFER’S BASEMENT

(The whole Morgendorffer clan is in the basement. There are shelves full of bottled water and canned peaches, and boxes full of magazines and comic books.)

HELEN- Jake, are you preparing of the end of the world, or acting like a complete idiot?

JAKE- The snowstorm, Helen. I went to the store and bought $200 worth of bottled water and canned peaches, and brought some of my old comic books from the attic for us to read.

(Quinn picks up one of the comics from the box.)

QUINN- Who are the X-Men? Some kind of porno for gay men?

(Daria just roles her eyes at Quinn.)

DARIA- You need to read comics more than the latest issue of "Waif."

HELEN- (Angry at Jake.) YOU SPENT WHAT!?

JAKE- $200.

HELEN- You wasted all that money on something that might not happen!

DARIA- Besides, we can’t just eat peaches for the rest of our lives.

JAKE- Daria does have a point. I’ll buy $100 worth of pizza.

HELEN- JAKE!

JAKE- What!

HELEN- You can survive on your stupid peaches and bottled water if you want, but me and the girls are going out for ribs. (To Daria and Quinn.) Come on, girls.

(Helen and Quinn leave.)

DARIA- Dad, I believe you, but spending all that money on canned peaches and bottled water.

JAKE- Go with your mother, kiddo, I’ll be fine.

(Daria stares at Jake for a few seconds then leaves.)

(Jake grabs one of the canned peaches.)

JAKE- Damnmit! I forgot the can opener!

SCENE FOUR-OUTSIDE THE MORGENDORFFER’S HOUSE-NIGHT

(We hear the wind blow weak then stronger, then we see snowflakes coming down on to the ground.)

SCENE FIVE-DARIA’S ROOM-DAY

(Daria wakes up to the sound of her clock radio that plays "Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men. She throws the clock to a wall.)

DARIA- Get new clock radio and set it to a jazz station.

(She gets out of bed and walks to the window, and opens the curtains to see all of Lawndale covered in snow.)

DARIA- (Eyes wide open.) Holy snowdrifts, Batman! (Deadpan.) It looks like Hell did freeze over after all.

(Quinn enters running.)

QUINN- Daria, did you see want happened outside?

DARIA- Did the Grinch steal Christmas again?

QUINN- No, you idiot! All of Lawndale is covered in snow. (Pauses for five seconds.) Were you being sarcastic again?

DARIA- Duh.

QUINN- Let me listen to your radio so I can find out if school’s closed.

DARIA- (Turns to her broken radio on the floor, then turns to Quinn.) Used it to kill a rat.

QUINN- We have rats? I better tell Mom to call an exterminator, before we get infested with the little rodents.

(Daria sighs.)

SCENE SIX-MORGENDORFFER DINING ROOM-DAY

(Helen, Daria, and Quinn are sitting in the dining room table, while listening to the radio.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER- I have just learned that MTV’s Carlson Daly is going to star in the big screen version of "Josie and the Pussycats" coming out the Summer of 2001.

QUINN- Get to the school closings already!

DARIA- May the force be with us.

QUINN- Shut up, Daria. I want to hear if Lawndale High is closed.

DARIA- What’s with you, Quinn?

QUINN- I have this test I didn’t study for, and I want the school to close for that reason.

DARIA- You mean that test Mr. O’Neill told you to study for today.

HELEN- Quinn! I told you to study; instead you went on a date with another one of your stupid boyfriends.

DARIA- She was with us last night, remember, Mom?

HELEN- I know that, Daria. I’m not stupid. Speaking of stupid, where’s your father?

DARIA- Maybe he’s still in "The Basement of Wonder" with his canned peaches.

RADIO ANNOUNCER- We interrupt our music for a special report.

DARIA- They found Jimmy Hoffa again?

HELEN- Quiet, Daria.

RADIO ANNOUNCER- I just learned that Lawndale High School is officially closed due to the snowstorm, and that school principal, Angela Li, has left for a vacation in the tropics.

(Helen turns the radio off.)

QUINN- I’m off to Sandi’s.

HELEN- You’re not going anywhere, Quinn! You’ll be studying for that test you didn’t study for!

QUINN- Moooooommmmm!

HELEN- March to your room, young lady, and study!

(Quinn angers her way upstairs.)

DARIA- What does the Wicked Housewife of the West want me to do?

HELEN- You could find that father of yours.

DARIA- I said he maybe in the basement.

HELEN- He may have left to get a snowplow. I’ll go check the basement.

DARIA- How much?

HELEN- What?

DARIA- Much do I get if I bring Dad back alive?

HELEN- Daria!

DARIA- Well?

HELEN- I’m thinking!

(Daria smirks.)

END OF ACT ONE

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

ANNOUNCER- On an all new episode of "The Simpsons," Springfield decides to do a Broadway version of "Alice in Wonderland." When Lisa finds out that she’s playing Alice, chaos ensures as usual. Will the play be a hit or a bomb? Find out on an all new episode of "The Simpsons." Coming to a fan fiction web page near you.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

ANNOUNCER- Don’t miss an all-new and final episode of "MTV’s Spy Groove" whenever they air it on MTV.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE-OUTSIDE-DAY

(Daria is walking on the snow-covered sidewalk wearing a green coat, red gloves, and earmuffs. Just then, she spots Kevin and Brittany singing "Jingle Bells" while making a snowman.)

DARIA- Christmas isn’t until two weeks.

KEVIN- Hey, Daria.

BRITTANY- What are you doing here?

DARIA- I’m looking for my father. Have you seen him?

KEVIN- No, but I did see a frozen cat.

DARIA- That’s nice.

(Daria looks at the snowman that looks very familiar.)

DARIA- Did you two make this snowman?

BRITTANY- No. We found it like this, and decided to fix it up.

DARIA- His left eye is bulging.

KEVIN- (To Brittany.) Babe, we may have found an iceman.

BRITTANY- Isn’t he one of the X-Men?

DARIA- I think he means a caveman, Brittany.

BRITTANY- Even better.

(Daria groans.)

DARIA- I’m out of here.

(Daria leaves.)

BRITTANY- What should we sing next, Kevy?

KEVIN- Let’s sing that dog song.

BRITTANY- Ok.

(Two begin singing "Who Let the Dogs Out?" as we hear Daria screaming in background.)

SCENE TWO-MORGENDORFFER BASEMENT-DAY

(Helen is down there looking for Jake, but he’s not there at all.)

HELEN- Where the hell are you, Jake?

(Quinn enters carrying a spiral notebook.)

QUINN- I’m done studying. Can I take a break?

HELEN- Sure.

(Just then, we hear Jake’s voice coming from upstairs.)

JAKE’S VOICE- You fools fell into my trap!

HELEN- Jake, is that you?

JAKE’S VOICE- No!

HELEN- It is you!

QUINN- What trap?

JAKE’S VOICE- This one!

(Jake slams the basement door shut, as Helen and Quinn run upstairs. Helen turns the knob only to see it’s locked from the outside.)

HELEN- (Knocking on the door.) Jake, you let us out this instant!

(Cut to Jake wearing his Winter clothes as he leaves the house.)

(Cut back to basement.)

HELEN- Damnmit!

QUINN- What is it, Mom?

HELEN- Your father has locked us in here!

QUINN- In other words?

HELEN- We’re locked in here till Daria comes back.

QUINN- What?! Mom, this is Daria we’re talking about.

HELEN- Damn!

SCENE THREE-LANE KICTHEN-DAY

(Jane and Trent are eating cold pizza and listening to the radio.)

TRENT- Why are we eating cold pizza?

JANE- Mom said we couldn’t use the microwave due to the snowstorm, besides I like eating cheese pizza cold.

TRENT- Oh.

(Their mom, Amanda, enters.)

AMANDA- I need you two to shovel the walkway and the driveway when you’re done eating.

JANE- We have a snow plow, Mom. Why can’t we use that?

AMANDA- Jane, you’re just shoveling the walkway and the driveway.

JANE- Good point.

(Just then, the doorbell rings.)

AMANDA- I’ll get it.

(Amanda leaves to get the door.)

JANE- Want to plow some snow, Trent?

(Trent is asleep.)

JANE- Never mind.

(Amanda enters with Daria.)

AMANDA- Jane, Daria’s here to visit.

JANE- Thanks, Mom.

(Amanda leaves.)

JANE- (To Daria.) What brings you here in this coldest of days?

DARIA- I’m need you to help me find my father.

JANE- What did Jake do this week?

DARIA- Mom said that he left to get a snowplow, and knowing my father.

JANE- Why don’t I call Tom and he’ll help us.

DARIA- What? Why do we need him for anyway?

JANE- I like to use him on this search. Why do you always hate Tom?

DARIA- I don’t like him. That guy’s going to destroy our friendship.

JANE- He is not.

DARIA- Watch and see.

SCENE FOUR-MORGENDORFFER BASMENT-DAY

(Helen and Quinn are still trapped in the basement, but they eat some of Jake’s canned peaches to tide them over.)

HELEN- When I get my hands on Jake, he’ll be the one locked in this basement.

QUINN- I just had this thought.

HELEN- What thought?

QUINN- Why don’t you use your cell phone to call Daria to tell her what happened?

HELEN- That might work, if I hadn’t left it on the dining room table while I came down here looking for your father.

QUINN- We’re doomed!

HELEN- Now don’t panic, Quinn. Daria will have to come down here, and when she does…

QUINN- She’ll see two skeletons and put us in her room.

HELEN- (Pauses for five seconds and begins to panic.) WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!

QUINN- Now don’t panic, Mom.

HELEN- We’re doomed!

SCENE FIVE-OUTSIDE LANE HOUSE-DAY

(Daria and Jane are outside shoveling the Lane’s driveway.)

JANE- Thanks for helping me shovel this snow.

DARIA- No problem.

JANE- Do you really hate Tom?

DARIA- What?

JANE- Do you hate my boyfriend?

DARIA- If I hated him, I would have left him to die at the beaks of vultures and raptors.

JANE- So you don’t hate him?

DARIA- I don’t know.

JANE- Daria.

DARIA- What?

JANE- You like him, don’t you?

DARIA- I didn’t say that.

(Just then, Jodie walks up to them.)

JODIE- Did you hear what Kevin and Brittany found?

DARIA- A frozen man.

JODIE- How did you know, Daria?

DARIA- I just saw Dumb and Dumber with it this morning. Why do you ask?

JODIE- They sold it to the museum and got $300 for it.

DARIA- I still say that iceman looks familiar.

(Just then, we see Jake walk pass them shouting up to the sky.)

JAKE- (Shouting.) Look at me now, old man! I’m in the snow, and you can’t stop me!

(Jake then leaves.)

JODIE- Daria, wasn’t that your father?

DARIA- I’m afraid so. I better go get him, before he gets into more trouble.

JODIE- You better go get him fast.

DARIA- Why?

JODIE- Another snowstorm is going to hit in a few hours.

(Camera points to Daria and Jane, who both have deadpan looks on their faces.)

DARIA & JANE- Damn.

END OF ACT TWO

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

(A milkman walks up to The Hall of Justice, he rings on the doorbell, but a trapdoor opens underneath him, and he falls into a chair. In front of him he sees the Justice League of America sitting in a horseshoe shaped table.)

SUPERMAN- What brings you here?

MILKAMAN- I’m here to deliver the milk.

WONDER WOMAN- What powers do you have?

MILKMAN- I don’t have any powers.

FLASH- Can you run in mach five speeds?

MILKMAN- No.

AQUAMAN- Can you talk to fish?

MILKMAN- No.

SUPERMAN- Then what do you fight for?

MILKMAN- I help kids get strong bones and teeth by drinking milk.

SUPERMAN- That’s it?

MILKMAN- That’s it.

SUPERMAN- Get the heck out, but leave the milk.

ANNOUNCER- Remember to drink your milk, or you’ll be like Plastic Man. Got Milk?

COMMERCIAL #2

(Those bratty kids are after Lucky the Leprechaun and his Lucky Charms cereal again.)

BOY 1- Give us your Lucky Charms cereal, Lucky.

LUCKY- Never, you rotten brats! You’ve been after my cereal for years, and you’re still not getting it!

GIRL- You better give us that cereal, or we’ll hit you in the head with this wrench.

BOY 2- And we’ll print these photos of you and Cap’n Crunch at the Playboy Mansion.

LUCKY- I’ll give you my cereal, but I want to show you my newest marshmallow first.

KIDS- What is it, Lucky?

LUCKY- Gray automatic sub machine guns! Dance, you little bastards!

(The kids scream when Lucky begins firing at them, and they run away.)

LUCKY- That should teach them not to mess with my Lucky Charms cereal.

ANNOUNCER- Lucky Charms cereal is still a part of you balance breakfast, but don’t try to blackmail Lucky, or he’ll kick your ass.

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE-MORGENDORFFER BASEMENT-AFTERNOON

(Yes, Helen and Quinn are still in the basement, and they’re reading some of Jake’s comic books.)

QUINN- Trade you this issue of "Spider-Man" for your "Wonder Woman."

HELEN- I’m not finished with mine yet.

QUINN- Mom, we’ve been here for about three hours, and no one has come to find us yet. Not even Daria has come back yet.

HELEN- Don’t worry, Quinn, if I know your sister, she’ll be here.

QUINN- Mom, there’s something I have to tell you.

HELEN- What is it, sweetie?

QUINN- If we don’t make it, I wanted to tell you that I’ve been telling Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club that Daria is my cousin.

HELEN- That isn’t no biggie.

QUINN- Huh?

HELEN- When I was in high school, I always tell the popular girls that your Aunt Rita and Amy were my cousins too.

QUINN- Really?

HELEN- Yep.

QUINN- I never knew that.

HELEN- Pass me another one of those canned peaches and bottled water, Quinn.

SCENE TWO-OUTSIDE TOM’S HOUSE-AFTERNOON

(Daria and Jane are in front of Tom’s house.)

DARIA- So this is where "Young Thomas" lives?

JANE- Now let me do the talking, Daria.

DARIA- We should be looking for my father.

JANE- Well, we need Tom’s help on this. Besides, Lawndale is a big suburb, and the two of us can’t do this alone.

DARIA- You got a point there.

(Jane knocks on the door, and we see Tom open the door.)

TOM- Hi, Jane. What brings you here in this cold weather? (Turns to Daria.) Hi, Daria.

(Daria says nothing.)

JANE- Tom, we need your help. Daria’s father is in his "insult the old man" mood again, and he’s lost in Lawndale. Can you help us find him?

TOM- What does he look like?

DARIA- He’s the one who says damnmit all the time.

TOM- Oh.

JANE- Will you help us then?

TOM- Sure. Let me get my coat, and I’ll join you.

JANE- Thanks.

(Tom goes back inside.)

DARIA- I still don’t trust him.

JANE- Stop being such an ass, Daria.

DARIA- I’m not acting like an ass. It’s just that I think Tom is breaking us up.

JANE- What you talking about, Daria?

DARIA- Never mind.

JANE- Tell me.

DARIA- I’m sorry.

JANE- About what?

DARIA- I’ll tell you later.

(Tom returns.)

TOM- All ready?

JANE- Sure.

DARIA- Whatever.

TOM- Let’s go then.

SCENE THREE-TOM’S CAR-AFTERNOON

(All three are in the car as Tom is driving.)

TOM- Where do you think Mr. Morgendorffer hangs out?

DARIA- What?

TOM- A place where he spends his free time.

DARIA- I don’t know. He sometimes howls at the moon.

TOM- Be serious, Daria.

JANE- He sometime goes to one of those nude bars too.

TOM- You too, Jane.

JANE- Guy can’t take a joke.

(Daria smirks.)

DARIA- Maybe we should go back to my house to see if Mom and Quinn are all right.

JANE- I got a better idea. Let’s stop back at my house, and let Trent go with you, Daria.

DARIA- Jane, remind me to kill you after this is over.

SCENE FOUR-TIMOTHY O’NEILL’S FRONT ROOM-AFTERNOON

(Mr. O’Neill is sitting in his chair eating a ham sandwich and potato chips, when he spotted something on the television.)

MR. O’NEILL- What’s this?

(Cut to TV screen where we see the "Iceman" Kevin and Brittany found. He’s now in the museum where we see lots of people surrounding him. Just then, we hear the voice of a female news reporter in the background.)

FEMALE NEWS REPORTER’S VOICE- Just two hours ago, two brilliant teenagers discovered a Missing Link outside the house of one of their teachers. In thirty minutes, the whole town of Lawndale will see this wonderful greatness of life.

(Cut to Mr. O’Neill, who drops his plate with the sandwich and potato chips onto the floor.)

MR. O’NEILL- (Shocked.) Oh my god! That’s no Missing Link, that’s Anthony!

SCENE FIVE-OUTSIDE LANE’S HOUSE-AFTERNOON

(Trent is outside brushing the snow off his car, when he spots Daria, Jane, and Tom coming towards him.)

JANE- Hey, Trent.

TRENT- Hey, Janey.

JANE- Tom and I are going to look for Daria’s father, and Daria wants you to go with her to help find him.

DARIA- No I didn’t. Besides, I got to find him, before the "Sick, Sad World" marathon starts in thirty minutes.

TRENT- So that’s why I was out here.

JANE- What are you talking about, Trent?

(Just then, we see Amanda and Jake coming out of the house.)

JAKE- Daria!

DARIA- Dad? I thought you were lost in the snow.

JAKE- Can’t a man have a decent snow day in peace? (Raises fist up to the sky.) You hear me up there, old man? I’ve finally having fun in the snow here! I’m free to make snowmen and snow angels, and throw snowballs at old people!

AMANDA- (To Daria.) I found him throwing snowballs at the Griffins. He’s been in the snow for almost five hours, so I let him stay here to get warm.

DARIA- Thanks, Mrs. Lane.

AMANDA- You’re welcome, Daria.

TOM- I’m out of here.

JANE- Tom, where are you going?

TOM- Now that Daria found her dad, I’m going back home.

AMANDA- Why don’t you all stay here for the night, until the next snowstorm passes?

JAKE- That’s fine with me. What about you, Daria?

DARIA- Well…

JANE- We can watch the "Sick, Sad World" marathon in my room.

DARIA- As long we don’t watch Quinn’s "Dawson’s Creek" tape.

JANE- I taped it over with a marathon of "Family Guy."

(Daria smirks.)

TOM- I’ll call my parents to tell them I’ll be staying here for the night.

(Daria frowns.)

AMANDA- (Smiles.) Looks like I’ll be making hot chocolate and smores tonight.

SCENE SIX-JANE’S ROOM-NIGHT

(Jane and Daria are sitting on Jane’s bed watching TV.)

SSW ANNOUNCER’S VOICE- We just learned that Lawndale’s Missing Link isn’t what he should have been. We just learned that our "Iceman" is really History teacher, Anthony DeMartino, of Lawndale High School. Mr. DeMartino was locked out of his house and was frozen solid during the snowstorm last night. The person who told us about this was English teacher, Timothy O’Neill, of Lawndale High School.

(Jane turns off the TV.)

DARIA- Looks like Kevin and Brittany are going to get a little visit with their Iceman when school reopens Monday.

JANE-What did want to say about Tom?

DARIA- What?

JANE- You wanted to talk about Tom while we were looking for your father, remember?

DARIA- Changed my mind.

JANE- You still don’t like him?

DARIA- He’s all right and all, it’s just he’ll change our friendship forever.

JANE- Or worse.

(Both of them smirked.)

(Jake enters.)

JAKE- How are you girls doing?

DARIA- Fine.

JAKE- I know I came up here to say something to you, but I don’t know what.

DARIA- Did you call Mom yet?

JAKE- I did, but she and Quinn must have gone somewhere. (Pauses.) Damnmit!

DARIA- What?

JAKE- I locked your mother and sister in the basement!

JANE- Why did you do something that stupid?

JAKE- They were in the way of my snow day.

DARIA- I hope they can survive down there until morning.

JAKE- Don’t worry, kiddo. There’s a lot of canned peaches and bottled water down there for four weeks. What can go wrong?

(Cut to the basement.)

QUINN- Mom, I can’t hold it in much longer!

HELEN- I wish Jake put one down here, then we wouldn’t be in this crap now. When he comes to save us, I’ll ring his damn neck for this!

(Cut back to Jane’s room.)

JAKE- They’ll survive, Daria, they’ll survive.

(Daria looks at camera in her deadpan look.)

DARIA- No comment.

(End credits.)

THE END

THIS HAS BEEN A PUMPKINHEAD PRODUCTION