Daria: "Silly Rabbit, Matrix Are For Kids!" by John Berry [berry@sugar-river.net] "Daria" & characters ©2000 MTV... why do disclaimers have to be long? ACT I [Int. abandoned hotel. Evening.] [Jane, wearing leather (oh la la), sitting at a laptop set on a table.] JANE: [While typing] Then Homer says "I want ice-cream." Heh heh. Funny stuff. [Then a door is kicked down and several cops charge in.] JANE: Aw, crap. [One of them pulls out a gun, then...] [Cut to title card: AFTER AN ELABORATE ACTION/CHASE SEQUENCE WITH LOTS OF SPECIAL EFFECTS WE CAN'T REALLY AFFORD...] [Ext. alley.] [Jane strolls along.] JANE: Boy, that sure was an elaborate action-slash-chase sequence. I'd better get back, though... especially since there appears to be a tank coming after me. Hmm. ["Ride of the Valkyries" plays as a tank starts rolling towards her. The music slowly quiets down as she jogs over to a phone booth and digs through her pockets for change. She pops in the right amount of money, dials a '555' number, and waits as the other end rings three times. It finally picks up:] PHONE: Thank you for dialing Real World Services. Please hold. [Jane leans against a wall as muzak plays over the phone, all the time the tank getting closer. It stops, then slowly takes aim.] PHONE: Your connection has been made. Thank you for using Real World Services, and please call again. [Jane disappears a split second before the tank fires! After the echo of the explosion dies down a bit, the top opens up to reveal Ms. Li.] LI: Aw, hell. [Ms. Morris walks up, wearing the same suit as Li.] MORRIS: You missed, didn't you? LI: [Hopping out of the vehicle] Shut up. It's the damn controls. Who the hell constructed such a slow moving piece of junk?! MORRIS: You did. Budget cuts. LI: Oh. Right. Crap. Remind me to fix that. MORRIS: Whatever. LI: You find out what that trouble maker came back for? MORRIS: Oh, yeah. The guys hacked into Lane's e-mail box. She and the others are searching for someone who calls himself The Brain. [Ominous pause.] LI: You sure it's a he? [Morris shrugs, mumbling something of some semblance to "I dunno."] [Int. Daria's room.] [A close-up of Daria's computer screen, connected to an IRC room reading:] Comp not take the DSSLP too well? No, and my comp has all the requirements. It's the damn program. mtv sux! * Mi-Go dies *** Mi-Go has disconnected Drat! drat! * Smoochy_Jane smoooooches MsGeek! Ther there. I went to the doctor to see about my bleeding rectum yesterday. That was...nice to know about. I mean there there! Dam! And I Speled damn wron! Doc! Jeez! wronf wrong Sorry. Just don't play the sorry.wav again. Please. - DocForbin plays SOUND sorry.wav Arrrrrrrgh!! Now, now, now, John. :-) And will you quit saying that?! It's driving me up the wall! Calm down, John. :-) Calm down, you two. Jinx! :) jinx [Zoom out to show Daria at her computer.] DARIA: [Sighs] They're drifting off-topic again. [She types] [Computer screen:] Can we get back on track, people? Make me. ;) *** Mackeus has entered Hey. Yo. howdy Howdy. SMOOOOOOCH! Sentaku! Sentaku, Mackeus. jinx [Room:] DARIA: Oh, great. A newbie. [Computer screen:] Daria? Hello. Daria, do you read me? What the hell's he going on about? Hello, Mackeus. Daria, you are The Brain, am I not correct? [Daria suddenly perks up that someone knows her true identity from her online alias.] [Computer screen:] You want to know about the Real World? I believe you mean Real Hurled. ;-) What? yah! mtv sux! Why hasn't anyone kicked that guy yet? I'm not talking about that stupid MTV show! Empty-V. I'm talking about the REAL Real World. Oh, you mean Real Life (tm). :-) Where can I purchase a Real Life? I want one. * SickSadGuy wants a Real life too. Me too. I'm only offering this to The Brain. Sorry. I hate you now. ;) :) Just follow the leader, Daria. daria ain't real, buddy. :) Oh, and don't be startled when your door knocks. Ciao! *** Mackeus has disconnected What the fuck was that about? Now, now, now, John. :-) Dammit, Doc!! *** DocForbin was kicked by JBerry (That's for never learning!) *** DocForbin has entered What was that for? *** DocForbin was kicked by JBerry [Room:] DARIA: Okay, that was a bit weird. [She motions to turn off her computer, when someone suddenly knocks on her door, startling her.] DARIA: Gah! Jeez. What?! JAKE: [O.S., behind the door] Your friend Jen is here! DARIA: That's "Jane", Dad! JAKE: [O.S.] Uh, I said that! [Int. Morgendorffer living room.] [Daria comes downstairs to meet Jane in the doorway. Jane is back in her usual outfit.] DARIA: Why didn't you call first? JANE: Um, sorry... [Ext. Morgendorffer house.] [They step outside.] JANE: Trent suddenly came downstairs, remembering at the last minute that he had a gig at the Zen. We wondered if you'd like to come along. DARIA: Um, I don't know. TRENT: [From his car] Janey, c'mon! JANE: I'm coming! [To Daria] Are you? I can't wait forever, y'know. Mystik Spiral can't very well play without the *leader* of the band! [Daria blinks at the word.] DARIA: Okay, I'll come. JANE: Knew you would; knewwwww you would. Come, then. Let us shove off. [They enter Trent's car.] [Est. Zen. Night.] [Int. Zen.] [Mystik Spiral plays.] TRENT: Threaded from the ground below to the rafters above, Carefully you weave your deadly web of love! You're a black widow! Not just an Eensy Weensy Spider! Everyday the poison in your fangs gets just a little higher! [Daria and Jane, amidst the crowd, have to shout somewhat over the music.] DARIA: It seems they can't very well play *with* the leader of the band, either. JANE: Hey, nobody badmouths my siblings but me! I don't care if you are The Brain. DARIA: Huh? JANE: That was *you* on the chat, wasn't it? DARIA: What? You were that "Mackeus" guy? JANE: Do I look like a "Mackeus"? DARIA: On the Internet, there is no gender. JANE: Point taken, but still that wasn't my name. Had to use a friend's connection; his name. But, yes, was me talking. DARIA: Wait, it *couldn't* have been you talking! You arrived at my house seconds after the chatter left! JANE: I'll explain that to ya later. DARIA: Um, okayyyyyy. What was all that about the Real World, then? JANE: Oh, that? Um, that will be explained later as well. But for now, a warning. Watch your back, amiga. DARIA: What?! For who? JANE: [Ignoring] Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta make a phone call. [Leaves] DARIA: [Addressing Jane even though she's already gone] Well, see you at school then. [Int. DeMartino's junior class. Next day.] [Usual setting, only Jane isn't at her seat.] DARIA: [Sighs] I guess not. [DeMartino continues lecturing as Daria lets herself fall deeper into semi-consciousness. Suddenly, the person behind her taps her shoulder and hands her a folded up piece of notebook paper.] KID: [Whispering] `S for you. [Daria takes it and unfolds the letter. It reads:] "Daria-- Come to the secretary's office right now. It is time for me to explain. --Mackeus" [Daria raises an eyebrow. Things just keep getting weirder. She decides to follow the note's advice by raising her hand...] DeMARTINO: YES, Daria. Can YOU tell me the capital of our STATE? DARIA: Yes, I very well could. But I need to, um, go to the bathroom first. [DeMartino gets as pathetic a look as he could ever get, being that the one student who could answer all his questions gave him a somewhat not-so-bright reply.] DeMARTINO: Um... sure. [She leaves with the not in-hand.] DeMARTINO: KEVIN, DARE I ask if YOU know our state's CAPital? KEVIN: Um... Springfield? DeMARTINO: NO, that's Illinois. KEVIN: Hey, no way, man. There's a Springfield in *every* state! [Int. secretary's office.] [Daria enters.] DARIA: Um, Miss? I'm Daria Morgendorffer; I think somebody-- SECRETARY: Oh, yes. This is for you. She said you left this at home; it was for some project you were working on. [Hands Daria a package] DARIA: Um, thanks. [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Daria exits the office, unwrapping the bundle. It's a cell phone that instantly rings. Startled once again, she answers it.] DARIA: I think you have the wrong number. MACKEUS: [V.O.] Oh, I don't think so, Daria. DARIA: Wha-... Are you...? MACKEUS: [V.O.] Mackeus. Yup. And you're The Brain, so I hear. So, how would you like to skip class? DARIA: Um, very much. MACKEUS: [V.O.] Cool. Just avoid those guards. DARIA: Where? MACKEUS: [V.O.] The ones heading towards your classroom. Looking for you. DARIA: What? [From Daria's point of view, we see that Morris and Mrs. Manson, both wearing the same Li-like pantsuit, entering DeMartino's room.] DARIA: Why would the gym teacher and school psychiatrist be after me? I haven't bothered them... in, like, days. MACKEUS: [V.O.] Yesterday, actually. But that's not important right now. If you wanna get out, you'll have to follow my instructions. DARIA: Why should I trust you? MACKEUS: [V.O.] Well, it's either trust *me*, or trust school faculty. DARIA: ...What do you want me to do? [Ext. Lawndale High.] [Daria inches across the windowsills on the top floor, grabbing the bricks as best she can. Oddly enough, she still manages to hold onto the phone.] DARIA: ...this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb... MACKEUS: [V.O.] Now, you'd better watch out. One of the teachers-- [Daria stumbles a bit, losing grip of the cell phone.] DARIA: This is dumb and damn scary, this is dumb and damn scary... [A hand quickly reaches out of one of the windows and grabs her leg.] DARIA: Damn scary! Damn scary! Damn scary! [She's pulled in.] [Pull out to find Jane back in her leather outfit atop a motorcycle. She saw the whole thing.] JANE: Aw, fudge, doody, caca, poo, flibberty, crudnuts, dang... shit. [She rides off.] [Int. Li's office.] [Li lectures Daria the usual way.] LI: Leaving the building during school hours! This is inconceivable! Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in for this?! DARIA: Not really. But why don't you tell me? Cuz I'm just dying to know. LI: *Lots* of trouble, Ms. Morgendorffer! I'm afraid I'll have to call your parents. DARIA: La dee dah. What does this have to do with having the guy from the piercing parlor here? [She jerks her thumb behind herself towards Axl.] AXL: Hiya. LI: Oh, him? Well, you see... We know that Mackeus and his hooligans want you for some reason. We can't have that. Your intelligence is too important to us. If you got into the wrong hands, I'd rather not think what would happen. DARIA: That doesn't come *close* to answering my question. LI: Okay, zip it. DARIA: But-- LI: Zip it! DARIA: You-- LI: Ziiiiip! DARIA: Y-- LI: It! Zip it! DARIA: Now-- LI: Alright! [Li leans over and literally (and mysteriously) zips up Daria's mouth.] DARIA: Mmmf?! LI: Yeah, that's what they all say! They all say "mmf"! Mr. Axl... AXL: That's my first name, not my last. LI: That doesn't matter. Implant the device. DARIA: Mmmf?! LI: You said that. DARIA: Moh, yeh. [They hold Daria down on the desk, Axl taking out his piercing equipment to give Daria a navel ring...] [Int. Daria's room. Morning.] [Daria jerks awake.] DARIA: GAH!! [Immediately, her phone rings.] DARIA: GAH!! [She picks up] WHAT?! MACKEUS: [V.O.] Ow! Jeez! DARIA: You again?! I thought it was all a dream! MACKEUS: [V.O.] Um, no such luck. Look, I have to make this quick; the line is tapped. DARIA: What?! MACKEUS: [V.O.] We have to try and meet again. Go over to Jane's house as quickly as possible. Oh, and try not to get caught this time. DARIA: Funny. [Ext. Lane house.] [Daria knocks on the door. Instantly, Jane runs out, pulling Daria into The Tank. The van takes off.] [Int. The Tank.] [Daria and Jane are in the back. Beavis has shotgun as Butt-head drives.] DARIA: What the...? BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh uh huh. This is so cool. BEAVIS: Mm mheh heh. Yeah! Mheh! Hit that old lady! [Bump!] BEAVIS: Whoa! Cool! BUTT-HEAD: Sh'yeah. DARIA: Why the hell are those two driving? More importantly, *how* the hell are those two driving? JANE: It'll be explained later. DARIA: Why do people keep telling me that? [Jane begins to talk] Yeah, I know. You'll tell me later. JANE: I... wasn't gonna say that. [Jane unzips Daria's jacket and lifts her shirt. The navel ring is still on. Jane plucks it off and tosses it out a window.] DARIA: OW!! God damn it! JANE: You were being bugged. Sorry. DARIA: [Pulling her shirt back down] You could've just unclipped it! Jeez! JANE: Sorry! DARIA: I need some peroxide. [Butt-head turns his head back.] BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh. Hey, baby. Uh huh huh huh. How about you get into that leather again? Uh huh huh uh huh huh. JANE: Just keep your eyes on the road, dumbass. BEAVIS: Yeah! Mm mm heh. Bunghole. BUTT-HEAD: Shhhhut up, Beavis. BEAVIS: [Pointing forward] Mhey look! A puppy! [Bump!] BEAVIS: Yeah! Mheh heh mheh! BUTT-HEAD: Uh huh huh huh uh huh huh uh huh! Ten points! BEAVIS: Yeah! [Ext. Budget Lodge Motel.] [The Tank drops the girls off. B&B take a U-turn out of the parking lot, hitting a mailman on the way. Daria and Jane enter room 815.] [Int. motel room.] [Mack is lying atop the bed watching TV. He notices the girls.] MACK: Oh. Hey. What took you? DARIA: You're that Mackeus that's been hounding me the past couple of days? MACK: Yeah, well, don't tell me you didn't see it coming, what with the name and all. DARIA: I don't know what to expect! Everything's been so crazy, my brain can't function! I'm afraid blood is going to spew out of my nose at any minute! MACK: Calm yourself. Sit. [He sits up onto the foot of the bed as Daria takes a chair.] MACK: As I take it, you hate what you believe to be real life. Right? DARIA: Doesn't everybody? MACK: Well, what if I told you that there is *more* than this? Would you take it? DARIA: I wouldn't believe it. But if there *was* more, then yeah, I'd take it. MACK: You're sure now, aren't you? Because this isn't a rhetorical question. DARIA: Huh? MACK: You are The Brain. We need you. But I can't force you to come with us. You have to choose. Will you come with us to the Real World, the ultimate truth? [He holds out his hand] Take one of these pills. DARIA: The ultimate truth will be found via drug-induced hallucination? I was hoping that was over by the seventies. MACK: No! The blue pill shall lead you to the truth. Take the red one, though, and you can go back to your life without a memory of our meeting. DARIA: Oh... [Begins to reach for one, but] Um, are they flavored? MACK: What? Oh, yeah. Red one's cherry, blue's got a refreshing mint flavor. DARIA: Is that natural cherry or more like that crap in cough syrup? MACK: Cough syrup. Sorry. DARIA: Figures that the path back to my banal existence would be bitter. MACK: *But* you wouldn't remember the bad taste. DARIA: My life *is* a bad taste... Well, I didn't get to brush my teeth this morning. I guess I'll go for the mint. MACK: Okey-dokey. [He hands her the pill and she swallows it.] DARIA: Now what? Flashy special effects and stuff? MACK: Well, actually, since we're on a tight budget and have to wedge into a twenty minute time period, you'll just wake up. [Int. Power Plant. Night (?)] [Daria awakens nude and bald in a pod, with several cables attached to her limbs, torso, and base of the head. Looking at her surroundings, she finds hundreds of human bodies in the same condition. An insect-like robot flies over and scans her.] DARIA: Quit staring at me, you robot pervert! [A chute opens up below her, sucking her down as the cables immediately disconnect from her.] [Int. Waste Disposal.] [Daria falls through the tube, plummeting past a hover-ship. It holds out a net that completely misses her.] JANE: [V.O.] We lose more Chosen Ones that way. MACK: [V.O.] Dive into the water! We have to get her before she drowns! [The craft does. The net grabs Daria retracts into the vessel.] [Int. hover-ship.] [Daria's form falls from a hatch in the wall onto the floor. She fails to keep her head up in her fatigue, and it hits the floor with a loud BANG! She weakly struggles to get her head up to find Jane and Mack, dressed in rags, standing over her.] JANE: Welcome... to Jurassic Park. Oh, sorry; Road Rules-- REAL WORLD!... Sorry. MACK: Just suck the drama from it, why doncha? [Daria lets her head BANG back onto the floor.] [Cut to black. No commercial bumper.] END ACT I *** ACT II [Int. hover-ship.] [Daria and Mack walk through the ship conversing. Daria has meanwhile gotten some clothes, or what passes for them in this world. She still doesn't have glasses.] DARIA: I don't know what's weirder to adjust to; the idea that almost my entire existence was fictional, or that I don't have to wear glasses anymore. [Mack gives her a look.] DARIA: Okay, the whole "my life was a lie" thing is a bit more of a change. But still... MACK: Well, the latter point does make sense. Everyone in an action film has perfect eyesight. So don't worry about that. DARIA: Oh. Okay. MACK: Still, I'm surprised you could get up and walk so quickly. You haven't used your legs in years. DARIA: Yeah, but I most likely kicked a lot in my sleep, while my being in the virtual world just sat and watched TV. My legs got more of a workout in unconsciousness than my "fake" self did. MACK: Odd, but makes sense... I guess. [Beat] Come on, let's go meet the crew. [Int. main deck.] [Daria and Mack enter.] MACK: I think you should recognize some faces. There's Tori Jericho... TORI: Hiiii! MACK: Ted DeWitt-Clinton... TED: Glad to see you again, Daria! MACK: Tommy Sheridan... TOMMY: That's "Sherman", man! Don't forget it again! MACK: Sorry. DARIA: Um, wasn't he dead? MACK: No, we faked that so he could escape easier. DARIA: What?! MACK: And there's Evan, Andrea... EVAN: I don't need a last name. ANDREA: Sorta like Roseanne. EVAN: Hey! MACK: And, um, over there are Guy, Girl, and Guy#2, in the red Star Trek uniforms. Remember them? The people that were in all your classes but never said anything? GIRL: My name's Gyrl, with a Y. MACK: Whatever. DARIA: So all you guys escaped the virtual reality before me, huh?... No wonder I almost never saw you at school. [Turns to her friend] Except for you, Jane. I almost always see you, yet you made it into this motley crew. How? JANE: I work it in. Plus, I look really snazzy in leather. DARIA: What's this ship's name, anyway? MACK: Um, the Enterprise. [Pause. A look from Daria.] MACK: Ted named it. DARIA: Oh. TED: It's only fair! I *am* the pilot! MACK: Any more questions? DARIA: Oh, uh, yeah. What the fuck happened? MACK: Oh, right. The whole "truth" thing. DARIA: Duh. MACK: Right. Come this way. [Int. computer room.] [Daria, Jane, and Mack enter.] MACK: Okay, sure; some machines are our enemy. But some of them can also be our best friend. Like this stuff. [Mack and Daria sit down.] MACK: Jane, jack us. DARIA: Ex-CUSE me?! MACK: I mean literally, through that hole in your head. DARIA: Ex-CUSE me?! MACK: Oh, jeez, haven't you examined yourself lately? We've all got holes in our heads. DARIA: I'm beginning to agree. [Jane inserts a cable in the base of Daria's skull] Ow! Oh, that's what you meant. Sorry. MACK: Don't be. This world can take a bit of getting used to. JANE: [Inserting another cable into Mack's head] And trust me, this'll beat anything Nintendo can dish out. MACK: Start up the VR, Jane. [Int. white void of nothingness.] [Daria looks around, not finding much since this is, of course, a white void of nothingness. Mack comes up behind her.] DARIA: You know, many people can experience death in a featureless white room. MACK: Neat, huh? This virtual place is like a load program. We can get anything from here. Hardly feels like you're in a computer right now, does it? DARIA: I miss the simple days of pinball. MACK: Don't we all. Anyway, time for a whole load of backstory. Care to sit down? [Daria finds that a couch has mysteriously appeared behind her. Slightly shaken, she sits. Mack takes a recliner facing her.] MACK: Anyway, it isn't the year that you may think it is. You believe the current date is the year 2000, when in actuality, it's more like... um, 2003 or something. DARIA: Big diff. MACK: Oh, there is. A lot has happened in that time. Check it out. [They instantly appear in a movie theater, next to a man and two robots.] MACK: Um, excuse me. Mike, Crow, Servo? I need this for the moment. MIKE: Y'okay! [He and the `bots leave] [We switch to a POV behind Daria and Mack, where they appear to be silhouettes. The screen displays the images Mack describes.] MACK: You remember all that technology they hyped that they wouldn't release till after the year 2000? DARIA: Yeah? MACK: One of those pieces of technology was artificial intelligence. Also 100% Y2K compliant. Except for one thing... Everyone called that virus the Millennium Bug despite the fact that the new millennium didn't start until 2001. Being that everyone thought the worst was over after 1999, nobody bothered to think of what would happen when the real millennium started. Needless to say, the AI wigged out and the robots decided to take over the world, for no real reason other than they had nothing better to do. To get the money required for world domination, the robots disguised themselves as humans and entered the gameshow "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." Regis Philbin himself could answer the questions on that show, and with his artificial intelligence mixed the robots' artificial intelligence, it was obvious that the robots won every game. With enough money, they struck! Buuuuut, they didn't quite know what to do with our bodies, so they decided to just turn us into batteries for their power plants. And just for fun, stuck all our minds in a virtual world where time goes half as fast despite only going in twenty-two minute increments... The first of us to escape managed to do so when he noticed small glitches in the robots' VR program. Stuff like some objects turning a different color for a few seconds, or hands on clocks to suddenly be nonexistent. DARIA: Or like... how Trent's goatee was just a few whiskers on his chin, then it suddenly turned into a simple triangle on his face. MACK: Yeah, small stuff like that. He was able to break his mind from the VR and help others to escape. Later, in a fingernail tragedy that I'd rather not get into right now, he died. But the Magic 8-Ball prophesied that a new Brain would come someday to help us all. And I believe that Brain... to be you. [We go back to facing the two.] DARIA: Interesting stuff... but that still doesn't explain why the hell I'm bald in the Real World. MACK: That, my friend, is a story for another day. And I'd like to apologize for risking your life back in the VR world. They found out we were looking for you through Jane's e-mail; that's why she couldn't chat with you with her own account. I tried to warn her that they were coming for her, but her phone line was busy with her connected to the Internet while she was double-checking some facts for the fanfiction she was writing. DARIA: Did I really need to know all that? MACK: I wasn't telling you. I was telling them. [Winks at us] Y'know, my virtual throat is real dry from all that exposition. Wanna head back to the Real World? Get some tea? DARIA: Oh sure. [Fade out, fade in:] [Int. Daria's Enterprise room. Next day.] [Daria, in a cot, is just waking up. She instinctively reaches for her glasses, finding that they aren't there. She sits up, shakes her head out of her morning daze, and stumbles out.] [Int. computer room.] [Andrea's sitting in front of one of the controls. Daria enters.] DARIA: Hi. [Pause.] ANDREA: Hey. DARIA: Um, say, can you get Cyberkron outta this thing? [Indicates computer] [Pause.] ANDREA: Why would you want to play a video game when you can learn the real moves? DARIA: You can do that with this? ANDREA: Oh sure. [Beat] Ya want me to hook you up? DARIA: You mean I can learn this stuff without lifting a finger? Cool. Okay. [Daria sits at the same seat as before as Andrea connects the cable to her head.] ANDREA: Of course, since you're a novice at this, you'll have to start at a lower level and work up. DARIA: How low would that be? [Int. Dojo.] [Daria enters the virtual world, where everything is paper-flat and her martial arts teacher has an onion for a head.] CHOP CHOP: Howwwwwa-cha-cha-cha! Keek! Punch! Eet's all in da mind! Eef you wanna test me, I'm sure you'll find Da things I teach ya are sure to beat'cha. Nevertheless, you'll get a lesson from teachah... [Int. mess hall.] [Mack and Daria eat some yummy gruel.] MACK: So, how were the simulators? DARIA: Okay. In the first one I learned martial arts, driving, salesmanship, cooking... took a bathroom break... then learned public performance. MACK: Wow. All in one sitting? DARIA: Yeah, then I rescued 99 alien slaves from a meat factory, collected fungus and money, and became a Pokemon master. That's about it. MACK: Neat. DARIA: M'eh. *Slightly* more fun than the Real World... Y'know, sadly, the "fake" world was better than this. MACK: Yeah. DARIA: Makes you wonder why nobody here's desperately committed mutiny to get back into the VR. [Int. Matrix Cafe.] [Li and Evan at a table.] LI: Ready to mutiny yet? EVAN: Yyyyyyup. LI: Nice. [Pause.] LI: How did you get in here without anyone else in the Real World knowing, anyway? EVAN: Magic. [Est. Enterprise. (Real World)] JANE: [V.O.] C'mon, Daria. We're gonna go see the Magic 8-Ball. [Int. computer room.] [Daria, Jane, Mack, Tori, Guy, Guy#2, and Girl are in chairs ready to hook their heads up to the computer. Andrea at the console.] DARIA: Um, okay. But do we need to take all these people with us? JANE: Couldn't hoyt. ANDREA: Everyone ready? DARIA: Guess. JANE: Yeppers. MACK: Yes. TORI: The balance of my decision is in the maybe range. It's teetering towards "yes" due to the fact that it is just so boring around here and my hair is bouncier in the virtual reality. On the other hand, there's the high death-risk level, which isn't appealing *at all*... ANDREA: Today, Tori. TORI: Oh sure. ANDREA: Off you all go, then. GUY: Why doesn't anyone ever care what we think? [Guy#2 and Girl shrug.] [Ext. Budget Lodge Motel. Day. (VR)] [The crew exits the building in that cool black leather stuff. Mheh, cool. They all enter a black limo.] [Ext. apartment building.] [The gang's car pulls up.] JANE: Here we is! [Int. hallway.] [Mack walks Daria to the door.] MACK: In here you shall find the all-knowing woman who has helped us since almost the beginning. DARIA: Ya coming? MACK: Nah, I gotta take a leak. You have fun, though. [Mack leaves as Daria opens the door.] [Int. room.] [Daria enters and looks around.] DARIA: Um... hello?... FEMALE VOICE: [O.S.] Hellooooo. DARIA: Wuh... Mom?! HELEN: [Coming in] Daria? DARIA: *You're* the all-knowing woman helping to free humanity? HELEN: I've *always* told you that, Daria, but you never believed me. DARIA: Of course not. You're one of my parents. HELEN: What can I do for you? DARIA: Oh, um... you got any cookies? HELEN: Of course not! DARIA: The one in the movie had cookies! HELEN: I don't cook! What do you want to know?! DARIA: Well, me and the others were wondering, y'know, if I was that Chosen One from the prophecies. HELEN: That depends. DARIA: How can it depend? I either am or I'm not! HELEN: Wrong. You either *choose* to be, or not. DARIA: So... if I choose to be, I am? HELEN: That also depends. DARIA: Are you screwing with me? HELEN: Daria, I'm your mother! DARIA: So, yes then. HELEN: No! Look, you have to find out for yourself. With all your new friends at your aid, I don't see how you couldn't prove yourself as someone as omnipotent as myself!... Well, almost as omnipotent. DARIA: Right. [Pause] Do you hear a something? HELEN: In the hallway? Yeah... [Mack bursts in.] MACK: Daria! The faculty's storming the building! Come on! HELEN: They'd better have wiped their feet! DARIA: Mom, they're most likely trying to kill me. HELEN: Oh dear! MACK: Come ON! DARIA: Bye, Mom. [Runs out with Mack] HELEN: Bye, dear! Try not to die! Love you! [Int. hallway.] [Daria and Mack run out the door! Li, Morris, and Manson are faintly in the background.] MANSON: There they are! [The chase is on! As D&M round a corner, Mack grabs Daria's arm.] MACK: In here! [He yanks her into a room. The faculty comes around the same corner and immediately open the door the two entered. It's an empty closet. Li opens up a cell phone and talks into it.] LI: It's empty. [Pause. To the others:] Kick the wall down. [Morris does; the closet wall gives away easily, revealing Mack and Daria's hiding place.] DARIA: Eep! MACK: Judo kick! [He does, smacking Morris out of the way. Li and Manson open fire. But being bad guys, they miss every time.] LI: After them! [Ext. fire escape.] [Mack and Daria jump out the window onto the escape to... um... escape. The faculty is not too far behind them.] MACK: How do they know our every move?! [Int. computer room. (Real World)] [Close-up of Andrea knocked unconscious on the floor. Pan up to reveal the person who knocked her out *and* was talking with Li. `Tis none other than... Tommy Sherman! He has his own phone while he checks out the monitors to follow D&M's progress.] TOMMY: Yeah, they've jumped into the alley. I think... yeah, Jane and the others are waiting for them on the other side of the wall. [Ext. alley. (VR)] [Mack and Daria are, in fact, running down the alley until they run into a brick wall. (No, I don't mean they literally run into it; that'd just be silly.)] MACK: Crap! A dead end! [Jane's head peeks over the top from the other side.] JANE: Need a lift? DARIA: Jane! JANE: That's my name!... Wuh-oh. [She notices the faculty coming up to them. Jane reaches down to grab one of her friends.] JANE: Come on! MACK: You go on, Daria. I'll hold them off! DARIA: One to three?! No way! JANE: One of you, come ON! [Mack charges after the three pursuers.] DARIA: Stop! JANE: Dammit, Daria! He's risking his life for *yours*! For his sake, don't let him do it in vain! Come *ON*! [Daria reluctantly takes Jane's grip and pulls herself over the wall. After a few seconds of graphic violence, the faculty renders Mack weak enough to take him.] LI: We got *one* of the people we were after, anyway. Good work, people. [Ext. some street.] [Daria, Jane, Tori, Guy, Girl, and Guy#2 walk over to a phone booth.] DARIA: I don't believe we left him behind... JANE: Don't worry, Daria. We'll dial into the Real World. Andrea can tell us where they took Mack. He'll be fine. DARIA: Assuming they don't kill him. JANE: Daria, they're evil villains. Since when do they kill a victim right away? [She takes the phone] DARIA: Yeah, I know. But still... JANE: [Into the phone] Andrea? TOMMY: [V.O.] `Fraid not. JANE: Sheridan?! TOMMY: [V.O.] Sherman, dammit! How can someone get such a simple name wrong? DARIA: Oh, I've been called Darla, Dara, Diane... Scott... TOMMY: [V.O.] I mean *I'm* famous, for crying out loud! DARIA: Oh. TOMMY: [V.O.] I am so sick of taking orders from you freaks! Especially Girl's. TORI: It's true. You *are* kind of a loud mouth. GIRL: Shut up. TORI: See?! [Int. computer room. (Real World)] [Tommy strolls over to the bodies of those whose minds are in the VR.] TOMMY: In fact... she should be the first to go. Say good-bye. [He pulls the plug out of Girl's head.] [Ext. phone booth. (VR)] [Girl's body collapses.] JANE: Good-by-- oh, shoot. GUY: Drat. TORI: I wonder who's next? [Guy collapses.] TORI: Not Guy! Noooo! JANE: Tommy! Please! Stop this! [Jane falls down dead.] GUY#2: Whoa... I did not see that coming. [Daria takes the receiver.] [Int. computer room. (Real World)] TOMMY: And as for you... Misery Chick... I fail to see how you could be The Brain if yours suddenly stopped functioning. DARIA: [V.O.] Like yours, I take it. TOMMY: Oh, funny. You are so dead! [Reaches for the cable to Daria's head] EVAN: [O.S.] You know, I was just about to say the same thing. TOMMY: Oh sh-- [Evan jumps into the room, firing his laser weapon at Tommy, who dies instantly. Evan takes the phone from Tommy's hand.] EVAN: Don't worry, folks. I'm bringing you home. [He types into the computer. Everyone who didn't kick the bucket wakes up, except Mack.] DARIA: [Looking at Tommy's body] Whoa, he's dead... again... EVAN: Do you believe that guy?! He betrayed you all before I could!... D'ah, I mean... oh, hell... [Ext. Enterprise. Distance shot.] [Evan is thrown out the side door into the water.] EVAN: Aaaaaa! Screw you guyyyyyyys! [Splash!] [Int. computer room.] [Guy#2 takes Andrea's pulse.] TORI: Is she...? GUY#2: No, she's just out cold. DARIA: Jeez, where's Ted been all this time? TED: [O.S.] Uh, piloting? Duh! DARIA: Okay, yeah. TORI: I don't believe we lost so many people in just two minutes. What are we gonna do? DARIA: Get one of them back, that's what. GUY#2: Hmm? DARIA: When Andrea comes to, she's taking the controls again. Then we're going back into the VR world, and bring our beloved leader, Mack, home!... But first, these messages. [Cut to black; no bumper.] END ACT II *** ACT III [Int. white void of nothingness.] [Daria and Tori.] DARIA: Andrea, load all the portable weapons possible. TORI: Cool... Um, don't tell anyone else this, but my life-long fantasy has always been to, uh, mow down rows of helpless victims in a hellish blood bath. DARIA: Err...... I won't. But you just did. TORI: Wha?... [Remembers that Andrea can hear all she says] Uh... [Turns red] ...Crap. [Int. computer room.] [Andrea and Guy#2 sit at the controls, the former with a bandage around her head.] ANDREA: Actually, I wish I was with you people when you do that. Loading arsenal... DARIA: [V.O.] And none of that Acme crap. I wanna live through this, y'know. GUY#2: Hey, this isn't a cartoon. Don't worry. [Est. Lawndale High (VR)] [Int. Li's office.] [Li paces in front of Mack, who is tied to a chair.] LI: Soo, Mr. McKenzie, think your small group of ragtag rebels could defeat me? Not a chance. However, I fear the *other* groups of rebels across the country joining forces. I know of the one in this city, and the one over in Highland, Texas. But there *are* more, oh yes. I know you work with them. And you aren't leaving here until you give me the location of each one. MACK: What are you saying? I can't understand you with that thick German accent. LI: Hmm? But I'm Kore-- Oh-oh-oh! Oh-ho! I get it! Oh! Not funny! Oh! Oh, ouch. Oh. MACK: Sorry. LI: Alright, then. [Int. Lawndale High lobby.] [Daria and Tori enter, with their jackets filled with so much weaponry that they are practically shaped like popcorn balls. Obviously, this being Lawndale High, the metal detectors and alarms all sound loudly immediately upon their entering.] DARIA: You ready? TORI: Oh yeah! [The first round of security guards rush in. Daria and Tori each pull a gun from their coats...] [Int. newsroom.] [Tom sits at the table to speak to us, the viewers.] TOM: The following scene has been cut. Not so much because of the masses of violence... I mean, c'mon, this is MTV... but more because said violent scene takes about forty minutes. That's right. Forty minutes of random gunfire. Sorry you have to miss it, but the network has to cut down on its shows' running times to make more room for condom commercials. We appreciate your patience. Now onto the next scene. [Ext. Lawndale High rooftop.] [Daria and Tori run to the edge of the roof.] TORI: Okay, I'll set this grappling hook onto the rim of the roof here and swing into Ms. Li's office, making her eat massive amounts of lead while you grab Mack. DARIA: Good plan, except-- [Tori has already hooked the rope in place and is swing into the wall.] DARIA: --there are no windows into Ms. Li's-- [WHAM!] DARIA: Oh gee. [She peers over the side] Um, you okay? TORI: [O.S.] Ow. Oh, ow. Okay, that hurt. Ow-ow-ow. So that's what brain matter looks like. Ouch. Owie ow. DARIA: Wow. Will you be alright? TORI: [O.S.] Oh sure. I'll just walk it off. [Two second pause] Okay, better. Let's go. [Daria climbs down the rope.] [Int. Lawndale High hallway, at Li's door.] [They climb in through a window and walk up to the door.] TORI: Should we knock? DARIA: You hit your head pretty bad, didn't you? [Int. Li's office.] [Daria breaks open the door and holds a gun to Li.] DARIA: Ha HA! [Li pulls out a big laser cannon.] DARIA: Ew. [Li fires; Daria barely dodges it in time.] LI: Ha HA! [She keeps firing as Daria manages to evade the blasts] Did you really think my security monitors wouldn't pick you up? Especially after setting off all my alarms and giving me forty minutes to prepare? DARIA: I knew this plan had a flaw. [While Li's distracted with Daria, Tori goes to free Mack.] TORI: Whoa. I never saw this kinda knot before. MACK: Just cut off the rope. There's a letter opener on Ms. Li's desk. [So, she grabs it, cuts him lose and all that, all while Daria and Li battle. Mack and Tori make a break for it.] MACK: Come on, Daria! DARIA: I'm trying! LI: [Stops firing] Oh `eck. They weren't supposed to escape! DARIA: Fancy that. LI: Security, capture them! DARIA: Um, we killed all of them. Remember? LI: Oh. Right... I really hate you. DARIA: Me specifically or all of us in general? LI: ...Whatever. I dunno. [She fires another shot as Daria runs out the door!] [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Li chases Daria, Mack and Tori through the hall. After about three more shots, though, Li runs out of ammunition.] LI: Damn cheap batteries. [She tosses the weapon aside and continues chasing the three into a classroom.] [Int. woodshop class.] DARIA: Well, this seems like a safe place. [Daria and Li arm themselves with a chainsaw. They start their machines up and run at each other...] LI: [Stops] Wait, wait! Safety goggles! [They each put on the goggles, then begin to duel with the chainsaws like swords.] LI: There can be only one! [During this intense action sequence, Mack and Tori simply climb through an open window. After a few more seconds of dueling:] LI: Wait-wait-wait. My shoe came off. Hold it. [Daria gives an annoyed sigh. As Li bends down to put her shoe back on, Our Heroine sets down her chainsaw and climbs out the same window her comrades did.] LI: [Gets back up] Okay, I'm re-- oh, bugger. [Ext. Lawndale High.] [Daria, Mack and Tori running away.] TORI: We need to find a phone and get out of here! MACK: There's one at the visitor's center in the park! DARIA: You really think we can make it on foot? MACK: Unless you want to go back and use the phone at school. [Daria manages to run ahead of the other two.] [Est. High Hills Park.] [Int. visitor's center.] [Daria rushes and goes to the man behind the counter.] DARIA: Can I use your phone? MAN: M'eh. [She grabs it, but...] DARIA: Wait, I don't even know the number. [Mack and Tori catch up.] MACK: Don't worry; I'll do it. DARIA: Okay. [She hands him the phone, and he dials.] [Int. computer room. (Real World)] [Mack awakens with a jolt, then walks over to Andrea and Guy#2, glancing at Tommy's body on the way.] MACK: So, what happened while I was away? GUY#2: Well, Tommy attacked our inanimate forms, killing Guy, Girl, and Jane. Evan saved us by killing *Tommy*, but he admitted to *also* trying to betray us, so he was kicked out. So in all, we lost about five of our already-minimal crew. MACK: ...Jeez, can't I leave you guys alone for a few minutes? ANDREA: Hell, no. [Tori wakes up.] [Int. visitor's center. (VR)] [Daria's listening to the same old recorded message from Real World Services. Just when it's getting to the part about actually letting her into the Real World, a running chainsaw flies through the air, cutting the receiver in half. The saw itself hits the wall and sticks in like a spear.] DARIA: Yeep! [Li enters. The man at the counter, meanwhile, doesn't do a damn thing.] LI: Thought you could escape me, didn't you, Ms. Morgendorffer? I'll have you know that nobody but nobody escapes the halls of Lawwwndale Hiiiigh. ...And, um, if they do... they pay dearly! DARIA: Okay, I'm cornered by the enemy, and even if I *do* manage to escape, I still don't know the number to Real World Services. So I'm totally screwed... Damn, I have to start over. LI: Start *what* over? [Daria just disappears.] LI: Wha-what? [Int. computer room. (Real World)] [Daria's face appears on the monitors.] MACK: What are you doing? TORI: And *how* did you do that? DARIA: Should I really bother explaining?... Oh, heck, why not?... You see, you people all woke up from the VR and thought that where you ended up was the true reality. This thinking in itself is kind of dumb; you don't just go from one dream to another and think that either of them are reality, just as you all technically did. The matter of the fact is, you are all merely game sprites in a very elaborate RPG computer game. And right now, I'm getting bored, so I'm just going to quit... without saving. OTHERS: Nooooo! ___________________________________ | | | Are you sure you want to quit? | | | | ______ ______ | | | | | | | | -> | YES | <- | NO | | | |______| |______| | | | |___________________________________| [Int. Daria's room.] [Zoom out from her computer monitor, where that dialogue box just opened. She has been playing the whole thing as Jane watched behind her. Daria clicks on "yes."] JANE: Wow... You know, if you consider that in some alternate dimension, that game actually was reality for some other civilization, you just wiped out millions of lives with the push of a button. DARIA: Hmm... yeah... [Pause.] JANE: Wanna do it again? DARIA: Oh sure. [Restarts the game] END AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was working on another fic (quite slowly, I might add) when I suddenly had the inspiration to do *this* one instead. You can thank the online comic "Sluggy Freelance" for the influence. It was doing a Matrix parody at the time, and without this comic I would've never gone through with my own parody. Worship the comic at www.sluggy.com Now I know why Matt likes doing all those "Daria & cast star in" parodies. It's pretty fun! And, to me, a lot easier, as all I had to do was take someone else's basic idea and rewrite the dialogue. In fact, the quickest fic I've ever written; just under a week. Does it show? Anyway, the other story I was working on before/during this one is sort of part of a semi-trilogy-ish type thing, so I'll release the three fics together... most likely somewhere in the break of the forth season. *Maybe*. I just keep thinking back to how I said "Rearview Mirror" would come up next, and we all know how *that* turned out. Oh, and I sincerely apologize for the title of this fic.