Sibling Rivalry
By Thomas  

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(The Morgendorffer's are having lunch, Daria has a Mona Lisa smile on her face)

Helen: What is it Daria?

Daria: I couldn't say. You would have to show it to me first.

Helen: (Sighs) Its just that you seem almost happy today.

Daria: I do not. That's a dirty lie.

Jake: Are you going on a date, kiddo?

(Quinn laughs. She stops as Helen, Jake and Daria sends her killer looks.)

Daria: No. I'm babysitting for the Guptys tonight.

Quinn: The Guptys? But they're *my* customers. Muh-om, Daria's stealing my work. And I need the money for my trip to the teen fashion show at the mall. I saved up money for a month.

Daria: They called and asked me - not you. Get over it.

Quinn: I don't believe you. I bet you just answered the phone and told them I was sick or something.

Daria: But can you prove it?

(Quinn fumes)

Helen: Now Quinn, I'm sure Daria wouldn't do such a thing. (To Daria) But I didn't think you liked kids, Daria. Looking after them I mean.

Daria: True. But Tad and Tricia are different. I believe they have a dark side just waiting to be explored. How shall I put it? The undiscovered country.

(Quinn looks shocked. Jake seems. oblivious - as usual. Helen buries her head in her hands)

(That evening at the Guptys. Daria, Mrs. Gupty, Tad and Tricia are in the living room)

Mrs. Gupty: I was sad to hear that Quinn is sick. How is she?

Daria: Almost back to her old self. But we can't risk her infecting the kids, can we?

Mrs. Gupty: You're right, Daria. How lucky you could fill in. Now about the rules.

Daria: No need. I have them memorized from my last stay here. And tonight's word is?

Mrs. Gupty: Tonight's word is apostasy.

Daria: How fitting.

Mrs. Gupty: I'll be of then. I'm visiting an old friend. I'll be back around midnight.

Daria: Where is Mr. Gupty?

Mrs. Gupty: Lester is at a conference. He'll be back in the morning. (leaves)

Daria: (To the kids) Let's start by making some new rules. You don't tell your parents what we do here tonight. In return I'll teach you the ways of the dark side of the force.

Tad & Tricia: Uhm.

Daria: Just say yes.

Tad & Tricia: Yes.

Daria: Great. Now let's get something to eat shall we.

Tad: Mom made a big bowl of salad.

Daria: And I would enjoy eating it. That is if I were a hamster. Luckily I anticipated this and brought my own food. (opens her backpack) Chinese.

Tad: The Chinese are bad.

Tricia: They invaded Tibet.

Daria: True but they make great cooks. (takes a package and waves it under their noses) Sure you don't want a taste?

(Later. The packages are empty)

Daria: Did you like it?

Tricia: It was different from mom's food.

Tad: I liked it.

Daria: Good. Now lets see what we can do about that channel blocker of yours. I think there's a new episode of "Sick Sad World" on tonight.

Tad & Tricia: Yeah.

(The living room. Daria, Tad and Tricia are sitting on the couch)

TV: Is there anything more boring than an MIB (1) fashion show? Next on Sick Sad World!

(The phone rings. Daria walks over to it)

Daria: Tricia the TV.

(Tricia takes the remote and switches to the forecast channel)

Daria: You learn fast, young Tricia. (answers the phone) Yes. Oh hi, Mrs. Gupty. No, everything's fine. What? Your car broke down. Ten dollars. OK I'll do it. (hangs up) That was your mom. She won't be home tonight. She asked me to stay here until your dad comes home.

(Tad and Tricia's room. Tad and Tricia are in bed. Daria is reading to them)

Daria: So then the wolf was going to eat Little Red Riding Hood. But she argued that just because the wolf was an endangered species didn't give it the right to such antisocial behavior. And that if it was hungry it could just eat dog food. The wolf said it didn't care because the laws didn't apply to it, so in order to save her life, Little Red Riding Hood had to show the wolf where her grandmother kept her jewelry ... (looks at Tad and Tricia who have closed their eyes) Tad, Tricia? (voiceover) Asleep at last. Boy I'm beat. The road to the dark side is long and tiring. I think I'll just remove any incriminating evidence and go to bed.

(That night. Daria is sleeping in Mrs. and Mr. Gupty's bed. Tad opens the door and comes in. He wakes Daria)

Tad: Daria.

Daria: Uhm... what? Tad? What is it?

Tad: I had a bad dream.

Daria: (Voiceover) Great now look what you've done. (outloud) It was just a dream. Nightmares can't hurt you. (voiceover) Only the ones who assume a solid shape and calls themselves Quinn. (outloud) Now go back to sleep. I'll come and tuck you back in.

Tad: Mom always let me sleep in her bed when I have bad dreams.

Daria: I'm not your mom.

Tad: Please? (looks like he is about to cry)

Daria: Oh my. (voiceover) Sucker. (outloud) Crawl on up. But you have to lie still.

Tad: Thanks. (crawls up and lies next to Daria)

Daria: I imagined that the first time I'd share by bed with a boy would go differently. But I suppose you're a lot cuter than he would've been.

Tad: I don't understand.

Daria: You will a lot later. Now go to sleep.

(Some time passes)

Tad: Daria?

Daria: Didn't I just tell you to go to sleep?

Tad: Can I ask you something.

Daria: What?

Tad: Why are your breasts small?

Daria: (voiceover) Where did that come from? (outloud - flatly) What do you mean?

Tad: Mom has bigger breasts than you.

Daria: Your mom is older than me.

Tad: But Quinn is your little sister, and her breasts are also bigger than yours.

Daria: She wears a bra. Mine aren't that much smaller. But why are you so interested in breasts all of a sudden? Next thing I know you'll want to touch them.

Tad: Can I?

Daria: NO!!

Tad: Do you think Quinn will let me touch hers?

Daria: Sure. Just give her a dollar. Two dollars if you want to touch them both. And now go to sleep (voiceover) If there was justice in the world, I would go to hell for this.

(An hour later. Tricia comes in and wakes Daria)

Tricia: Daria?

Daria: Tricia. What is it.

Tricia: I woke up, and Tad was gone.

Daria: He had a bad dream, so I let him sleep in here. Now go back to bed.

Tricia: Daria?

Daria: Yes.

Tricia: Uhm.

Daria: Tricia are you afraid to be alone?

(Tricia nods her head)

Daria: Crawl up on the other side. But be still and lie still.

Tricia: Thanks, Daria.

(Early the next morning. It is still dark. Mr. Gupty comes into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed and lifts Daria's head up. He kisses her passionately.)

Daria: Umm, UMMM. (she struggles to get free)

Mr. Gupty: Who? (lets go of Daria, turns on the light, waking Tad and Tricia) Daria! I thought you were my wife.

Daria: (wiping her mouth with the blanket) I guess you should get glasses then. Your wife's car broke down. She called and asked me to spend the night here. She said I could sleep in your bed. If you'd had a cell phone she could have called you.

Tad: Cell phones are bad.

Tricia: They give you cancer.

Daria: That's never been proven.

Mr. Gupty: What're Tad and Tricia doing in here?

Tricia: Tad had a bad dream.

Tad: Did not.

Tricia: Did so.

Tad: Oh yeah. I bet I know why you're here. You're afraid to be alone.

Tricia: Am not.

Tad: Are so.

Daria: Tad, Tricia. Be quiet.

Mr. Gupty: I'm terribly sorry. It's just when I came in here... it was dark...

Daria: Let's not talk about that.

Tad: Dad kissed the babysitter without her consent. That's sexual harassment.

Tricia: Daria is a minor. That's statutory rape.

Mr. Gupty: What?! No. I didn't mean...

Daria: Mr. Gupty, let's talk about this outside.

(Daria and Mr. Gupty walk out in the hall and she closes the door behind them)

Daria: You don't have to apologize. And I don't want this to get out anymore than you do. I also think I can get Tad and Tricia to keep their mouths shut. Now your wife, your *real* wife, promised me 10 dollars an hour for spending the night here.

Mr. Gupty: I'll pay you 15.

Daria: Done. Just give me a minute.

(Daria goes back into the bedroom and closes the door behind her. Tad and Tricia are sitting on the bed with big grins on their faces)

Tad: You've been here 11 hours.

Tricia: That's 165 dollars.

Tad: Mom promised you 10 dollars an hour. That's 110 dollars.

Tricia: So the extra 55 is from dad.

Daria: You listened at the door?

Tad & Tricia: Yup.

Daria: And now you want half the money from your dad to keep your mouth shut?

Tad & Tricia: Yup.

Daria: Your training is complete. You can learn no more from me.

Tad: Does that mean you're not coming back?

Daria: Let's see about that. But expect Quinn to babysit you next time.

(Later that day. Daria is sitting in Jane's room)

Jane: One hundred and thirty-two smackaroos. That's pretty good for a babysitting job.

Daria: Could have gotten more. Mr. Gupty gave me an extra 55 over that kissing incident. But I had to share with his kids. My own fault for teaching them so well.

Jane: (Evil grin) So essentially first he kissed you and then he gave you money.

Daria: Yeah. (pause) Oh no, what have I done?

Jane: Sold sexual favors.

Daria: Jane, stop it. That's not funny.

Jane: Maybe you could put an add in the paper. "Daria Morgendorffer. Babysitting and escort service"

(A minute later. Jane is standing in front of her closet)

Jane: Come out.

Daria: No.

Jane: Look. I'm sorry I made fun of you.

Daria: You're lying.

Jane: OK so maybe I am lying. But I promise not to do it again.

Daria: I don't believe you.

Jane: Come out dammit! It's my closet and I need it. At least hide in your own closet.

Daria: No.

Jane: Fine. I'll starve you out then.

(Later. The Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen and Jake are having dinner. Quinn walks in)

Helen: Was Daria at Jane's?

Quinn: Yes.

Helen: So when is she planning on coming home? Her dinner is getting cold.

Quinn: I'm not sure. That phone call didn't make much sense.

Helen: I don't care if it made sense or not. I want to know when Daria is coming home.

Quinn: Actually I spoke with Jane. She said Daria couldn't have dinner because she was starving her until she came out of the closet.

Jake: (Scared) Helen did you hear that?!

Helen: Jake, relax. I'm sure there is an explanation for this. (massages her temples) Quinn, go over there and get her.

Quinn: Over to Jane's? But muh-om.

Helen: Now.

(Outside the Lane mansion. Quinn rings the bell. Jane opens)

Jane: What do you want?

Quinn: I was sent to fetch Daria.

Jane: Oh well. I suppose a drastic situation calls for drastic measures. She's hiding in my closet.

Quinn: You mean she's inside your closet?

Jane: That's what I said. What did you think I was talking about?

Quinn: Oh, nothing. But what's she doing in your closet?

Jane: I'll fill you in on the way. But you have to promise me not to make fun of her.

Quinn: What do you mean?

Jane: Just do it, OK?

Quinn: I promise not to make fun of Daria, as long as she's inside your closet.

Jane: Fine. Come with me.

(Jane's room)

Jane: Hey, Daria? Quinn's here.

Daria: Quinn?

Quinn: Hi, Daria.

Daria: Does she know?

Jane: She knows.

Daria: Well go on, Quinn. Laugh at me.

Jane: She promised me she wouldn't do that.

Quinn: Why would I? Good grief, Daria. You did nothing wrong.

Daria: You mean that?

Quinn: Yes. It's just like when Joey kissed me without permission, and I made him take me to Cashman's to make up for it. He took advantage of you and you made him pay. There's nothing wrong about that.

(The door to the closet opens. Daria steps out)

Jane: Better now?

Daria: Yeah.

Quinn: You got kissed by Mr. Gupty. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

(Quinn falls on Jane's bed, her body is shaking with laughter)

Jane: Whatever you do, just don't go back into the closet.

Daria: Not much point in it is there? My humiliation is complete. But she will pay. Oh boy will she pay.

(Later. Daria and Quinn are having dinner. Helen and Jake sits at the table and looks at Daria)

Daria: Is something wrong?

Jake: You know that your mother and I are open minded. But about this coming out of the closet thing...

Daria: What do you mean "I've come out of the closet"?

Jake: ARGH!! My daughter is gay!

Helen: Jake, relax! I'm sure we can handle this.

Daria: What in the world are you two talking about... (the penny drops) Oh brother.

Quinn: Mom, dad don't worry. Jane wasn't speaking in metagores.

Daria: Metaphors.

Quinn: Whatever. Daria was hiding in her closet.

Jake: You were?! But that's wonderful! What a relief.

Helen: But what were you doing in her closet?

Daria: Uhm. An experiment for Ms. Barch. We were studying the effects of isolation.

Helen: (Skeptical) I see.

Quinn: I for one can assure you that Daria is straight. Even if her taste in men is a little strange (Daria kicks her leg) Ouch.

(Helen gets a concerned look on her face)

(That evening. Quinn is on the phone in the living room. Split screen between Quinn and Stacy)

Quinn: Oh yeah I really cut my cousin Daria down to size this time. Serves her right for taking my babysitting job.

Stacy: That's great. By the way I just finished my homework. Maybe you want to drop by my house tonight.

Quinn: I suppose I could do that... Wait a minute. What homework?

Stacy: The review. For Mr. O'Neill. For tomorrow.

Quinn: Sorry, Stacy. Can't make it.

(She hangs up. Cut to the living room)

Quinn: (Voiceover) Oh no, the review. I completely forgot. And mom told me what she would do if Mr. O'Neill calls her again. What'll I do?

(Daria walks in)

Quinn: Daria I need you to help me.

Daria: I'd love to. Unfortunately I'm unqualified to perform brain surgery.

Quinn: (Sourly) Ha ha. (Seriously) I need your help with a review for Mr. O'Neill. It's due tomorrow.

Daria: And you've had how much time to write it?

Quinn: Never mind. Will you help me?

Daria: I can't say I feel like helping you right now. But your money is as good as anyone else's. Twenty.

Quinn: I can't give you twenty. I need it for the fashion show. How about if I owe you?

Daria: That's fine. Then I guess I'll owe you a review.

Quinn: (Smirk) How do you think mom will feel about you having an affair with an older man?

Daria: (Looks angry) I do not... (pause) Are you trying to blackmail me?

Quinn: Yes.

Daria: Very well. What's it about?

Quinn: We have to write a review of "Animal Farm" by George Orwell.

Daria: One of my favorites. Did you know that Orwell got the idea to that book from the song "Old Mcdonald had a farm?"

Quinn: Really? Mr. O'Neill said it was the story of some revolution told as a fable.

Daria: The French revolution.

Quinn: So *that's* why one of the pigs is called Napoleon.

Daria: Exactly. You're not as stupid as you look.

Quinn: Thanks. (pause) Hey!

(Next day. Helen, Daria and Quinn are having breakfast. Daria has her nose in a book)

Helen: What're you reading, sweetie?

Daria: "Animal Farm".

Helen: (Flatly) Oh. That book.

Daria: (Smirk) Brings back memories.

(Helen has a flashback. A little Daria is sitting on a couch and crying. Beside her lies a book. A younger Helen comes in)

Helen: What is it Daria? Don't cry.

Daria: It's this book. It's so sad. The pigs are so mean.

Helen: (Picks the book up) What's this? "Animal Farm"? How did you get this?

Daria: Dad gave it to me. I told him it was a children's book.

Helen: (Gives Daria a concerned look) Perhaps it's better if I buy books for you from now on.

Daria: I hate communists. Melody Powers will kill them all.

Helen: I don't want to hear another word about Melody Powers. It's one thing that you have an invisible friend, it's another that she runs around killing people.

(The flashback ends)

Helen: I can't believe you got Jake to give you that book. You must have been six years old. (Turns to Quinn) Can you believe she made him think the book was about the song "Old Mcdonald had a farm?"

Daria: Imagine if Quinn handed in a review today saying something like that. But I'm sure she knows it's about the Russian revolution.

Quinn: (Looks at Daria in shock and terror) The Russian?

Daria: Yes. You thought it was the French perhaps?

Helen: Stop teasing your sister. Certainly she didn't think that.

Quinn: (Laughs nervously) Certainly not.

Daria: Oh me oh my. I think I forgot something in my room. (leaves)

Quinn: I'll help you look. (follows her)

Helen: (Voiceover) I should be happy that they help each other. Then why do I have this cold feeling in my stomach?

(Daria's room)

Quinn: You can't do this. If mom finds out about what Mr. Gupty did.

Daria: Then she'll get over it. But if she finds out about your review talking of Old Mcdonald and the French revolution you'll be going to summer school.

(Quinn swallows. Daria takes some papers from her backpack)

Daria: I wrote this for you instead. It's in your style. Complete with some of your usual grammatical errors and some completely irrelevant observations about how pigs would look wearing clothes. I give it a B-.

Quinn: (Knows she's beat, looks at the floor) How much?

(The class of Mr. O'Neill. Quinn with a sad look on her face is sitting next to Stacy)

Mr. O'Neill: Now that we've finished with "Animal Farm", it's time for something completely different. (looks at his students who just stare back at him) That was a joke. (2)

Joey: This is, like, an old people thing, right?

Mr. O'Neill: Oh my. We're starting on "Darkness at Noon" by Arthur Koestler.

Quinn: Stacy, I can't come to the fashion show. I'm broke.

Stacy: But you said you had 103 dollars. What happened to it?

Quinn: Daria took it. She blackmailed me.

Stacy: All of it?

Quinn: All of it.

Stacy: (Scared) But if you can't buy some of the clothes the models wears you'll fall behind. You'll become... (gasps) Unfashionable.

Quinn: I know.

Mr. O'Neill: It's the story of an aging communist who falls victim to the great purges. In prison he reflects on his relationship with the party. A party he worked for his whole life and who now wants him to sacrifice himself. Hmm. Imagine how that would feel.

Quinn: (Raises her arms at the sky) SHE TOOK IT ALL! SHE TOOK EVERYTHING I HAD!

Mr. O'Neill: (At a loss for words, as usual) Uhm, very good Quinn. But you don't have to comment on it before you read it.

(After class. The 3 J's walk up to Quinn)

Joey: You look sad, Quinn.

Jeffy: What is it?

Jamie: Can we help you?

Quinn: (Depressed) No one can help me. I'm condemned. Leave me alone. I have to walk the shadows alone (leaves)

(The 3 J's walk over to Stacy)

Joey: What's wrong with Quinn?

Stacy: It's terrible. You know Daria?

Jeffy: We met her.

Stacy: She just took all of Quinn's money. And now Quinn is, like, lost. (leaves)

Jamie: We've got to help Quinn.

Joey: We could give her some of our money.

Jeffy: Yeah.

Jamie: Wait. What if we give Quinn money and Daria takes it?

Joey: I know. We can tell Daria to give Quinn her money back.

Jeffy: But what if she refuses?

Jamie: We can't beat her up, can we? She being a girl, I mean.

Joey: We'll just pretend. You know how easy it is to scare a girl.

Jeffy: Yeah.

(Daria is walking home from school. Suddenly the 3 J's come out of the bushes and surround her)

Daria: Excuse me.

Joey: We know what you've done.

Daria: (Deadpan) That makes 4 of us then.

Jeffy: We want you to give Quinn her money back.

Daria: I see. (voiceover) I can't believe she'd go this far. (outloud) And if I refuse?

Jamie: We'll beat you up.

Daria: Joey, Jeffy, Jamie.

Jamie: She got my name right! Did you hear that? She got my name right!

Daria: Have you guys completely lost your minds?

Joey: Uhm, I don't think so.

Daria: OK. I'll give it back. Now if you'll excuse me.

Jeffy: That was easy.

Jamie: Not so fast. How do we know you're telling the truth?

Daria: Damn and I thought you were as smart as you looked.

Jamie: Uhm, was that a compliment?

Daria: Tell you what. Let's go to my house and wait for Quinn there.

Joey: That sounds fair.

(Outside the Morgendorffer mansion. Daria and the 3 J's are standing at the door. Daria opens it, slips in and slams it in their faces. Cut to the inside)

Daria: (Voiceover) Suckers. And now I'll wait for Quinn to come home. I think, she needs kidney massage. (Daria sits on the couch and turns the TV on)

(The 3 J's enter the living room from the kitchen)

Daria: How'd you get in here?

Joey: Your back door was unlocked.

Daria: Damn.

(Later. Daria and the 3 J's sit on the couch. Quinn comes in)

Quinn: Daria, Joey, Jeffy, James.

Jamie: Jamie.

Quinn: Whatever. What're you doing here?

Joey: (Pleased) We got Daria.

Jeffy: (More pleased) She's going to give you your money back.

Daria: (Her eyes burning with anger) If you think the 3 Stooges here can break me, then all I can say is that you don't know me very well. You can tell them to give it their best shot. But just you wait till I get out of the hospital.

Quinn: (Scared) I don't understand. What're you talking about? What're you all doing here?

Daria: (Looks at Quinn) You're telling the truth aren't you. Jamie, did Quinn set you up to this?

Jamie: Uhm, no it was a favor.

Daria: Are you really going to beat me up? Because you'll have to.

Joey: Uhm, no.

Daria: Could you get out of here. I need to talk to Quinn alone.

Quinn: Just leave will you.

(The 3 J's leave. Quinn sits down next to Daria)

Daria: I guess I should've known you wouldn't go that far.

Quinn: Maybe I should have.

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: I saved my money for a month, and you just took it.

Daria: You tried to blackmail me. And you kept making fun of me over that thing with Mr. Gupty. It really hurt.

Quinn: It did?

Daria: I'm not a piece of wood, you know.

Quinn: You stole my babysitting job.

Daria: Maybe I shouldn't have done that.

Quinn: Maybe I shouldn't have made fun of you.

Daria: Maybe I shouldn't have taken your money.

Quinn: You mean it? I can have it back.

Daria: I wanted 20 to help you with your review. Writing it costs 30. You can have the rest back.

Quinn: But I need all of it. Can't I owe you?

Daria: (Pause) OK. But just this once.

Quinn: Super.

Daria: I warn you. Hug me and the deal is of.

Quinn: Got it.

Daria: I think we spent this month's sibling rivalry quota.

Quinn: You mean we should make peace?

Daria: Yeah.

Quinn: But just until the end of the month?

Daria: Yeah.

Quinn: OK.

(A week later. It's evening. Helen and Jake are watching TV. Quinn comes is)

Helen: Hi sweetie. How was your babysitting job?

Quinn: (Angry) Where's Daria?

Helen: Upstairs. Is something wrong?

Quinn: Later. (walks up the stairs)

Jake: What was that?

Helen: I don't know. I guess I'd better go see.

(Daria's room. Daria is sitting at her computer. Quinn storms in)

Daria: (Doesn't move her head) You know perfectly well you're supposed to knock first. I need time to hide my smack.

Quinn: (Cold voice) Hi Daria.

Daria: Oh, it's you. I thought it was mom.

Quinn: (Mad) I just finished babysitting the Guptys...

Daria: And? (remembers) Oh I forgot about that.

Quinn: (Very mad) Tad and Tricia gave me four dollars. Can you guess why?

Daria: I think so. Look, Tad caught me at a bad time. He wanted to touch mine, and I thought...

Quinn: (Very very mad) That I am a *whore*! And we agreed to keep the peace until the end of the month!

Daria: It happened before that. It was a joke.

Quinn: (Still mad) It wasn't funny. And you're the one having an affair with Mr. Gupty!

Daria: (Getting mad) He kissed me. That's hardly having an affair. And you blackmailed me. And when that turned against you, you sent goons to beat me up.

Quinn: (Ready to blow her top) I didn't send goons to beat you up! They acted on their own! For once!

(They hear a gasp. They turn around and see Helen standing in the doorway with a terrified expression on her face)

Daria: (Quietly) Hi mom.

Quinn: (Quietly) Hi mom.

(Next day. Jane and Daria are walking to school)

Jane: So how did you get out of that mess?

Daria: I told her that Quinn and I were trying to improve our relationship by using role playing. And that it was a technique we learned from the therapist. (3) When you have an argument, you accuse each other of things you haven't done to make the things you have done seem insignificant by comparison.

Jane: And did she believe you?

Daria: The alternative would've been to believe that the accusations Quinn and I made were real.

Jane: But did she believe you?

Daria: ...I'm not sure. We haven't been interrogated or grounded or anything. But she does look at us in a funny way.

Jane: Will you come over to my house after school?

Daria: Sure.

Jane: You mean that?

Daria: Of course I mean that.

Jane: Great because Courtny and Adrian showed up yesterday, and Summer wants me and Trent to look after them until she gets here.

Daria: I will kill you for this.

Jane: Yeah, but then you'd have to look after them yourself.

Daria: Damn.


(1) Men in Black.

(2) Monty Python reference.

(3) From "Psycho Therapy"