Daria in "Seventeen Candles" Scene 1 (On a television screen, male Siamese twins with two heads and one body argue.) Head 1: Would it have killed you to have gone out for the soccer team with me in high school? Head 2: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm an artist not an athlete. And I did you a favor because we suck at sports. Head 1: You may suck, but I don't! And I don't call painting pictures of girls in dirty magazines art! Head 2: You promised not to tell! (The twins start punching each other in the face.) Sick, Sad World Announcer: Siamese sibling rivalries next on Sick, Sad World. (Daria and Jane sit in Jane's room.) Jane: Seeing something like that must make you thankful Quinn and you aren't joined twins. Daria: It would be hard for Quinn to pretend I'm her cousin if we shared a body. Jane: But on the upside, you could get to her neck much easier. Daria: Then walk around with a rotting skull to the side of mine for the rest of my life. Jane: Enough of these pleasantries, let's move on to something more depressing. (Jane puts her arm around Daria's shoulders.) Jane: Happy Birthday. Daria: You have to wait till Saturday to give me my official birthday spankings. Jane: So what do Jake and Helen have planned for you? Daria: If there is a God, they forgot. End Scene 1 * * * Scene 2 (Inside the Morgendorffer living room, Helen and Jake turn when Daria walks in.) Jake: Well if it isn't the Birthday Girl to be! Helen: Daria, what's wrong? Daria: I've just received the answer to an age old question. Jake: You know what, Kiddo, your looking kind of older to me. Daria: Because everyone knows it's a scientific fact you only grow on your birthday. (Jake's expression becomes thoughtful.) Jake: I didn't know that... Helen: So what do you have planned for this weekend to celebrate? Your father and I would have no problem if you wanted to throw a party and invite a lot of people. Even if you don't know half of them, it would be a good chance to make some friends. Daria: I am getting older. I really should begin to master the art of buying off others. Jake: Damn straight, Daria. Everybody has to learn how to handle responsibility. (Helen glares at Jake.) Helen: Jake, would it kill you to listen to more than 3 seconds of a conversation? (Jake looks at Helen in confusion.) Jake: Helen, you want me to "kill you in 3 seconds"? (Helen throws her hands into the air in frustration.) Helen: Oh, why do I even bother? (Helen turns to Daria.) Helen: So you have no plans whatsoever to celebrate your birthday? Daria: I'm not really big on the whole party thing. Remember last year how no one could stop talking about how cute and wonderful Quinn was. Jake: Well it was her birthday, Kiddo. Helen: Actually, it was Daria's. Jake: Oh. (Daria walks upstairs.) Daria: Honestly, I'd be fine doing something with Jane then have you two and Quinn butcher a classic like "Happy Birthday to You" over a store bought cake. (When Daria exits, Jake turns to Helen.) Jake: Gosh, Helen, Daria seemed kinda down. Helen: No she didn't. That's her normal personality. Still, she's going to be 17 and she deserves a party to celebrate that. This is going to be one of the last birthdays where she can feel good about her age and not worry about becoming older, unattractive, and being passed over for job premotions at the firm to younger girls in shorter skirt with no courtroom experience. Jake: Don't worry, Helen, she'll probably spend her birthday like you did when you turned 17. [Flashback] (A younger, hippier, Helen and Jake sit in the back of a station wagon in the woods.) Jake: So, you groovy lady, how does it feel to be old enough to do consentual, mature things without having you boyfriend be brought up on criminal charges. Helen: Actually, that's 18. (Jake punches the back of the car seat.) Jake: Damnit! Why do I have to go to jail just to become a man? (Helen slides over to Jake and wraps her arms around him.) Helen: Don't worry. I won't tell anyone anything. Jake: What the hell is that supposed to imply? I won't be good enough to brag to your friends about? Helen: Oh, never mind, come her handsome! (Helen and Jake start groping each other.) [End Flashback] (Helen and Jake look at each other with a worried expression.) Helen and Jake: Surprise party. End Scene 2 * * * Scene 3 (In her room, Quinn sits on her bed looking at a magazine, while talking on the telephone.) Quinn: You're so right, Sandy. All the months do have their own, individual color.... I sorta think this is more of a lavender month. (A knocking comes from the door.) Quinn: Hold on a minute, Sandy. Do you people have to always have to insist on acting like a family? (Helen enters the room and sits on the bed next to Quinn.) Helen: Quinn, I need to talk to you about something. (Quinn's expression becomes panicked as she covers the phone with her hand.) Quinn: All right, I didn't use your credit card to buy a new calculator and dissection kit, but if you had seen those suede boots you'd have understood that not all school supplies have to do with school! Helen: Suede boots? Never mind, I need you help planning a surprise party for Daria. Quinn: Well, I'll handle the invitation list. How long does it take to write one name down? Helen: That's what I need your help with. I want you to invite some people for Daria since she never mentions about anyone but Jane. How about that Kevin Thomson or Jodie Landon? I've seen her "hang" with them. Quinn: But mom... Helen: Come one, Honey, she'd do it for you. Quinn: She wouldn't have to since I actually have friends. I'll only do it if I don't have to go. Helen: Absolutely not. You're going to help celebrate with us and I expect you to buy her a gift. Quinn: But... Helen: Let's put it this way. Your suede boots are your tip for helping me with this. No help, not tip. (Quinn sighs.) Quinn: The things I'll do to have cute feet. Fine, if I have to , but you have to give me money for the gift. Can I invite Sandy, Tiffany, and Stacy? They'll help with decorations and food and stuff. Helen: I suppose that's all right. But I thought they were more your friends than Daria's? Quinn: The Fashion Club are friends to the whole school, Mom. (Helen puts a stack of invitations on the bed.) Helen: All right then. Hand these invitations out at school tomorrow. The party's at 7:00 on Saturday, but all the guests should get here by 6:00. And don't tell Daria. I want her to be surprised! (Helen leaves. Quinn puts the telephone up to her ear.) Quinn: Hello, Sandy? Guess what? I'm having a party at my house this weekend! End Scene 3 * * * Scene 4 (At Lawndale High School, Daria and Jane walk down the hallways.) Jane: I'm all a-glow. One day until the social event of the season. Daria: How many people are you planning to come over and watch Sick, Sad World in my room with us? Jane: You know, we could actually do something special. Daria: If you can think of something more fun than staring vacantly at a television screen, I'd like to here it. Jane: I could bring Trent along and we could listen to him play "Wallflower" songs. Daria: Why the "Wallflowers"? Jane: Someone told him he looks like Jakob Dylan, so now he won't stop playing "Heroes". (Daria stops in front of a classroom.) Daria: This is where I get off, see ya. Jane: Later. (Daria enters the classroom and Jane starts walking again. Quinn approaches Jane.) Quinn: Um, Jean? Jane: Actually, it's Jane. What can I do for you, Queen? (Quinn acts embarrassed as she waves her hand modestly at Jane.) Quinn: No need to address me like that, I'm popular and some people even worship me, but you don't have to be that formal. Anyway, I need your help. Jane: If you go to your guidance counselor now, you could be in remedial classes by Monday. Quinn: I already tried that. I figured I'd get my high school degree in half the work, you know? But he said my test scores are too average. Jane: I bet it was a shock hearing yourself described as average. (Quinn's expression becomes slightly disgusted. Quinn hands Jane an invitation. Jane opens it.) Quinn: I know what you mean. I am so not average! It's like describing you as popular. Jane: I didn't know Daria was having a birthday party. Quinn: She doesn't know either. So you have to keep her out of the house until 7:00 because it's a surprise party or something. Jane: And we both know Daria is a big fan of surprises involving her public humiliation. Quinn: I know I am! Just don't say anything to her about it or she'll call it off and I won't be able to have a party this weekend. (Quinn hands Jane some invitations.) Quinn: Here, give these to the people Daria knows and there's no way in hell I'd talk to. (Quinn walks off.) Quinn: Thanks, bye! (Jodie and Mack walk over to Jane.) Jodie: Hi Jane. Mack: What are those? Jane: Front row invitations to the greatest show on Earth. Mack: What? (Jane hands Jodie and Mack an invitation each.) Mack: It's Daria's birthday tomorrow? Jodie: How come she didn't tell us? Jane: You know Daria. Always shunning the sort of things that bring other people joy. Mack: It says here it's a surprise party. Jodie: Do you think Daria is going to like this? I mean, knowing her family's planning it? Jane: I think that's why they made it a surprise party. Daria's not the type to willingly stick her head into the noose. Jodie: Well, we'll definitely come. I have a feeling Daria will need moral support through this. What kind of present do you think she'd like? Jane: Think along the lines of weaponry. Mack: We'll pick out something nice. Jodie: See ya. (Jane looks down at the invitations in her hands.) Jane: Looks like it is going to be the social event of the season. End Scene 4 * * * Scene 5 (Quinn walks down the hallway with Sandy, Tiffany, and Stacy.) Sandy: I suppose we should bring a gift for your cousin or something, but what would she want? Quinn: She's a brain so think of something a brain would like. Tiffany: So your mom put us in charge of the decorations. What color scheme should we use? Stacy: Quinn's cousin seems like the black on brown type. Sandy: I think we should go lavender since it is the color of the month. Quinn: And pink. It's like a universal color. It just matches everything. (Brittney and Kevin are standing along the lockers. Quinn and the Fashion Club stop next to them.) Quinn: Hi Brittney. Hi Kevin. Are you doing anything on Saturday? Kevin: Uh, I think me and Brittney were going to practice CPR on each other for health class. Brittney: Or at least that's what we'll tell my Dad! (Quinn hands Brittney and Kevin invitations.) Quinn: Well, I'm kind of having a party for Daria because it's her birthday and I'd like it if you two would come since she has no real friends. Brittney: These invitations are so cute! We'd love to go! Daria does so much for us. Because she's so unpopular it makes the rest of us look even better. Kevin: You are so right, Babe. It's time to give something back. But what about practicing our CPR? Brittney: We can always do it at the party. Kevin: Cool. (Upchuck walks over to the group.) Upchuck: Greeting, my Lovelies. And Kevin. Sandy: What do you want, Upchuck? Upchuck: I could not help but overhear our Sweetheart of Sarcasm, Daria, is having a birthday party. (Upchuck puts his arms around Sandy and Tiffany as the recoil in disgust.) Upchuck: I just was wondering what a guy has to do to get invited to this little shindig? (Sandy and Tiffany pull a way as Sandy throws an invitation at Upchuck.) Sandy: Here, you can come if you get the hell away from us. (Upchuck walks away.) Upchuck: Your wish is my command. Quinn: Wow, this is going to be a weird party. End Scene 5 * * * Scene 6 (In the kitchen of the Morgendorffer home, Helen is on the telephone while Jake pages through a cook book. Helen's expressions and tone changes as she talks.) Helen: No Rita, of course I understand... Yes, I am sorry to hear about Brian and Erin's trial separation. It was a beautiful ceremony, yes... I think "drunk" is a harsh term to describe me at the wedding... I'm not trying to start a fight, Rita... No, why would Mom come to her other Grandchild's birthday, she's never before... I'm not implying anything about you or Erin, Rita... All right, goodbye. (Helen hangs up the telephone and turns to Jake.) Helen: Well Rita's not coming because she has a date with a B-Movie stunt man she can not cancel. That is so like her! Some Aunt she is to Daria and Quinn. I always went well out of my way for Erin, but I ask her to do one thing... It's probably just as well. Knowing my sister, she would have given Daria a sundress and matching hat. (Jake looks up from the cook book.) Jake: Here we go! A triple layered chocolate cherry cake! I can make that! Helen: I don't know, Jake, maybe we should get a cake from a bakery. Jake: Come one, Helen. I want to do something special since you won't let me do anything else for this party. (Daria walks into the kitchen. Jake slams the book shut.) Jake: Nothing! Daria: I'll take your word for it. May I spend the night at Jane's? Helen: Yes! Yes! You can go to Jane's. Don't come back before 7:00 p.m. tomorrow because I'm having... the carpet shampooed! (Daria exits the kitchen.) Daria: Well then... I'll see you two later. Helen and Jake: Bye! (Quinn walks into the kitchen.) Quinn: Okay, Mom, I passed out all the invitations, but some of the people I invited decided to invite some other people too, so forty people are coming or something. (Helen grabs her purse off the counter.) Helen: I better get to the store then. I don't think 4 liters of cola and a few bags of chips are going to be enough. Quinn: I'll help you buy the refreshments, Mom. Oh and we need to stop at the party decoration store to buy some pink and lavender streamers and balloons. (Quinn and Helen exit the kitchen. Jake opens the cook book again. He stares at the page in confusion.) Jake: What the hell is a "whisk". End Scene 6 * * * Scene 7 (The next afternoon at the Lane house Daria and Jane are in Jane's room. Daria is sitting facing the wall while Jane wraps a present.) Daria: You could at least have had the decency to wrap my birthday present when I'm not in the room. Jane: How could I? You follow me everywhere out of fear that you'd run into Trent alone. Any normal girl would have done their best to be alone with the guy they liked. Daria: Any court would rule in favor of "Justifiable Homicide" if I killed you here and now. Jane: You should really share more of that birthday cheer, Daria. Bottling up all that kind of joy is selfishly depriving the rest of the world. (Jane glances at her bedroom clock. It's 5:58 p.m. ) Daria: You know, you could have just thrown whatever it is you go me into a paper bag and I would have been just as happy. Jane: What? And take away the fun of spending all this time wrapping and decorating something that will take you 5 seconds to tear through? I'm done. (Daria stands up and walks over to Jane.) Daria: So when do I get to unveil this masterpiece? Jane: Oh, I don't know. How about we head back to your house around 7:00? You can open it there. Daria: Why my house? You usually try to go out of your way to avoid any interaction my family. Jane: No that's you. Daria: Who are you? Master of the Obvious? Jane: Oh come on. You know I'm a crazy for birthday cake. Daria: If my Dad made it, you'd be crazy to eat it. I guess they'll be done shampooing the carpets by then. Jane: What? Daria: Sorry, I was just regurgitating the story my Mom used to cover up whatever she's doing. I've narrowed it down to either last-minute gift buying, some weird mating ritual I have no desire to see, or, sigh, a party. Jane: Well whatever it is, you'll see it soon enough. Let's go. End Scene 7 * * * Scene 8 (At the Morgendorffer home, Quinn and Stacy (Both in lavender and pink outfits) finish up hanging the streamers, while Jake blows up balloons.) Jake: Uh, Quinn, I'm getting a little light headed here. You think you girls could take over for a while? Quinn: Dad, do you know what kind of stress that would put on my mouth? Do you want me to walk around the party with puffy and cracked lips? I'd be mortified! I'm already sacrificing so much by not spending these precious few hours getting ready for the party. How much more of my self respect do you want me to surrender? Stacy: The things you go through, Quinn! Jake: No, Honey, I understand! You keep hanging your streamers, then you take a nice long break. (Jake starts rapidly blowing up balloons again. At the refreshment table set up in the kitchen, Helen places plates down next to the bowls and liters of pop. Sandy and Tiffany (Both in lavender and pink outfits) reposition everything Helen places down.) Helen: So, Girls, what do you think of the spread we have going here? Sandy: Are these low-salt, low-fat, no oil chips? Helen: I really can't say, Sandy, I was kind of in a hurry when I bought... Tiffany: I don't think we need to contribute to the oil on the faces of teenagers. Helen: I see. Well, I'm sure they're not too... Tiffany: I hope this soda is diet. Sandy: I know what you mean. The average teenager consumes three glasses of pop per party. That is 450 calories right there. (Helen shifts her glance and walks over to the refrigerator.) Helen: I think I'll start putting candles on the cake. Sandy: There's your 2,000 daily recommended calories right there. (Helen begins to lose her patience.) Helen: Maybe you girls should go help Quinn and Stacy with the decorations. Quinn[Unseen]: Mom! Dad passed out and his nose is bleeding! (Helen hurries into the living room and starts shaking Jake.) Helen: Jake, you are not leaving me alone with these girls! (Jake wakes up.) Jake: Helen, I think I brained my damage... Helen: Oh, you'll be fine. Just keep blowing up balloons. (The doorbell rings.) Helen: Oh no! Never mind the balloons, get the video camera, Jake! (Jake gets up and stumbles out of the room. Helen goes to answer the door. She opens it and dozens of kids are standing outside.) Helen: Oh my! (Quinn walks over to the door as kids starts entering. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie walk in and hand Quinn presents.) Quinn: Oh hi, Joey, Jeffy, Jackie! Joey: Hey Quinn! I got you a little something. Jeffy:You look great Quinn! Here, my gift is bigger. Jamie: It's Jamie and my present is the most expensive! Quinn: Thanks! (Helen narrows here eyes.) Helen: Quinn, are these boys under the impression it's your birthday? Quinn: No, but can I help it if guys like to shower me with gifts and affection? Joey: Don't worry, Mrs. Morgendorffer, we brought gifts for Darla. (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie walk into the party.) Helen: Actually it's Daria... (Another group of kids walk through the door.) Guy 1: Hey Mrs. Lawrence! Guy 2: Happy 50th birthday! (Helen's eyes narrow.) Helen:What! Girl: Can you tell me where the make-out room is? Guy 3: Which way to the keg? (Helen closes the door and leans against it.) Helen: Oh, what have I done? End Scene 8 * * * Scene 9 (Daria and Jane walk up the street. Jane checks her watch.) Daria: Why do you keep acting like a double agent? Jane: You know if my watch had a laser I'd use it every chance I got. Daria: Seriously, why keep checking the time? (Jane shifts her eyes nervously.) Jane: I, uh, just don't want to miss the season premier of Sick, Sad, World. Daria: Between my Mom shampooing the carpet and you love for Sick, Sad, World, I'm thinking conspiracy. Level with me, did my Mom tell you to distract me while she had a present delivered? Am I getting the pony I asked for? (Daria and Jane walk up to the Morgendorffer front door.) Jane: You are so cynical, Daria. All will be revealed within. (Daria takes out her keys and starts unlocking the door.) Daria: If I find a man behind a curtain in there, they'll be hell to pay. (Daria walks into a dark living room and switches on the light. A bunch of kids jump up.) Everyone: Happy birthday, Darla! Guy: Mrs. Lawrence! (Daria turns to Jane with an angry expression.) Daria: Remember what I said earlier about "Justifiable Homicide"... End Scene 9 * * * Scene 10 (As Daria and Jane walk around the party, other teenagers are dancing and talking.) Daria: You couldn't warn me? Jane: And take all the fun out of watching the expression of pure joy form on your face? (Daria gestures around to the people in the party.) Daria: More like nausea. Who the hell are all these people? Jane: Friends and well wishers? I think the pink and lavender bring out the mood of the party. Daria: I think they're giving me a seizure. Since you were a willing participant in the act of screwing me over, you could at least give me my present. Jane: I think I'll wait for when you're in a good mood. Daria: I think you'll be holding on to that damn box for a pretty long time. (Jake walks up to Daria with a video camera recording. From the camera's point of view.) Jake: Hey, Kiddo! You looked pretty surprised when you walked in. Daria: Wouldn't you if you found out your parents had sadistic tendencies? Jake: Ha ha! The big one-seven. Well congratulations, Daria! Daria: Yeah, we all know it's a big achievement to survive another year. (Daria narrows her eyes as she looks into the camera.) Daria: Though some of us won't be making that sort of accomplishment if they pull a stunt like this ever again. (Jake turns to Jane.) Jake: Um, got any birthday wishes for Daria, Jane? Daria: I'm right here, Dad. Jane: Yeah. I hope that when you're spending thousands of dollars on therapy in you mid 30's you won't look back on this day as the turning point for when you developed manic-depression. (Jake laughs nervously.) Jake: Well, Kiddo, happy birthday! Why don't you go mingle with your friends while I film the memories? (Still from the camera's point of view, Jake walks around the party filming. He comes across Jodie and Mack.) Jake: Hey, Jodie, Mack! Care to wish Daria a happy birthday? Jodie: Daria, I just want you to know how sorry we are. Mack: We never knew the party would sink to this level. Jake: Well. I think I should get a few more people on film now. (Still from the camera's point of view, Helen runs up panicked.) Helen: Jake! This party is a nightmare! I don't know who the hell half of these kids are, Joey, Jeffy, and some other boy got into a huge fight over Quinn, people are using the laundry room as a makeout place and there's soup suds everywhere! If that wasn't bad enough, I found Kevin Thompson and some cheerleader in our bedroom fooling around! I thought I was doing something nice for Daria to show her I cared, but there is no reason why I should have to put up with this hell! Jake: Um, Helen, you want to wish Daria a happy birthday? (Helen stares into the camera like a dear in headlights. Then puts on a fake smile.) Helen: I am very happy to do this for you Honey and it was no trouble whatsoever! I hope you're having the best birthday ever! (Helen walks out of the view of the camera.) Helen: You are editing everything I said before all that or I will kill you! (Helen steps back in front of the camera.) Helen: I know, let's open presents! End Scene10 * * * Scene 11 (Daria sits at a table filled with presents as a crowd of people are gathered around her. Jake is still with the camera.) Jake: How does it feel to be surrounded by your friends, Daria? Daria: The same way it would feel if it was a linch mob. (Helen hands Daria a gift.) Helen: Open a present, Honey. Here this one's from the Fashion club. (Daria unwraps the gift. Daria hold up the presents.) Daria: Great. Foundation, make-up, hair-care products, and fashion magazines. Sandy: I figured it would be safe to assume you wouldn't have any of these. (Quinn hands Daria a present.) Quinn: Here you go Daria, happy birthday. (Daria opens the package and pulls out a pink dress.) Daria: You really had me in mind when you picked out this number didn't you? Quinn: I think you should expand the color scheme of your wardrobe from funeral tone. The Fashion Club and I going are going to a party now with Joey, Jeffy, and Jerome. Jamie: Jamie. (Quinn grabs the dress.) Quinn: Whatever, can I borrow this? Thanks. Come on. (Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, and the Fashion club leave. Brittney and Kevin hand Daria a couple of gifts.) Brittney: Here you go, Daria. Kevie and I picked these out for you! (Daria opens the package and pulls out a bra.) Daria: You got me underwear? Kevin: It's a padded bra. We figured it was the only thing you really needed. (Upchuck puts a gift in front of Daria. ) Upchuck: Here's a little something from me. (Daria lifts the lid.) Daria: Is this a camera and lingerie? (Jake pushes the camera at Helen and puts a hand on Upchuck's shoulder.) Jake: Holy Hell! Son, there are just somethings you do not give a girl when her Father's present! Upchuck: Eeep! Helen: Remember, Jake, he's a minor. (Jake leans close to Upchuck.) Jake: Helen, what's the worst that could happen if I just throw him out on his ass? Helen: Jake, stop trying to intimidate him. (Helen grabs Upchuck by the front of his shirt.) Daria: Now listen Upchuck, if you don't come up with a good excuse I will not hesitate in killing you. Upchuck: I think I mixed up Daria's present with my Father's secretary's. (Helen releases the front of Upchuck's shirt.) Helen: Better. Step out of line again and they'll have to drag the river to find your remains. (The doorbell rings.) Helen: Damnit! Jake tell whoever that is to go home. (Jake opens the front door. Trent, Jesse, and the rest of Mystyc Spyral are standing on the front steps.) Trent: Hey, we're here for Daria's birthday. Jesse: We brought chips. Where do you want us to set up? Jake: Sorry boys, it's kind of a full house. Trent: I was invited by Janie. Jake: Oh well if Janie invited you, come on in! Are you guys some sort of band. Trent: Janie asked us to play for Daria's birthday. It's kind of our present for her too. Jake: Well, I hope you guys like to party down, because it's crazy in there! (Trent, Jesse, and the rest of Mystyc Spyral start carrying in band equipment.) Jake: Hey, do you guys know anything by the "Bee Gees"? End Scene 11 * * * Scene 12 (Jane stands with Mack and Jodie around Daria as she lies with her head under a pillow on her bed.) Daria: I'm not going back down there. A person can handle only so much before they become certifiable. Mack: Come on, Daria you can't just sit in here all night. Jane: It's like that song "It's my party and I can crawl into a fetal position if I want to." Daria: Jodie, Mack, thanks for the book of Edgar Allan Poe poems. I think I'll stay in here and read a few to lift my spirits. Jodie: Look for a silver lining, Daria. Daria: My house is filled with people who are my sister's friends and keep calling me "Darla", Quinn left half an hour ago, yet didn't take these people with her, and Upchuck and Brittney both went to Victoria Secret for my gifts. You find an upside for me. (Jodie and Mack look at each other.) Jodie: Um, the pop isn't flat. Mack: Very carbonated. Daria: I'm waiting for it to inevitably get worse. (Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Mack sit in silence for a moment. Then Trent's voice filters up with the background music of "Heroes.") Trent: And we can be heroes, for just one day... Daria: And there it is. Jane: You know Trent would never forgive me if I didn't tell him it was your birthday. Daria: I think Dante missed a 10th ring. (Daria starts hitting her pillow.) End Scene 12 * * * Scene 13 (Helen and Jake cover their ears as Mystyc Spyral keeps playing "Heroes.") Helen: What made you think this hell-bound fiasco needed a band? Jake: They said Janie sent them? Helen: Who the hell is "Janie"? (Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Mack walk downstairs as Mystyc Spyral finishs "Heroes". The only people in the living room are Kevin, Brittney, and Upchuck.) Jane: Look, Trent scared away the other guests. Daria: They didn't do to good of a job. Kevin, Brittney, and Upchuck are still here. (Trent walks over to Daria still carrying his guitar.) Trent: Hey Daria. Daria: Hey Trent. Sorry everyone walked out on you. Trent: You think this is a bad reaction, one time the crowd tried to set Jesse's hair on fire. Jesse: Luckily, I didn't use hair spray that night. I could have lost more than my eyebrows. Jane: Hey Trent, why don't you give Daria her present? Trent: Good idea, Janie. (Trent steps up in front of his microphone.) Trent: Daria, this song always reminds me of you when every time I hear it. (Daria blushes. Trent turns to his band.) Trent: 1...2...3 (The band starts playing "One Headlight.") Trent: So long ago I don't remember when, that's when they say I lost my only friend. They say she died easy of a broken heart disease, just listen through the cemetery trees. Come on try a little. Nothing is forever. There's got to be something better than in the middle. 'Cause me and Cinderella, pulled it all together. We can drive it home with one head light! (Daria blushes and smiles. Her parents, Jane, Jodie, Mack, Brittney, Kevin, and Upchuck smile and move along to the music. Daria turns to everyone.) Daria: It's no pony, but it'll do. End Scene 13 * * * Scene 14 (In the living room, Daria sits on the couch while Jane, Brittney, Kevin, Jodie, Mack, and Upchuck crowd around her. Jane hands Daria her present.) Jane: Now you can open it. (Daria unwraps the box, pulls out a lot of paper stuffing and removes a pair of tickets.) Daria: A gift certificate to "Beans, Bands, and Books"? Jane: It's a new coffee house-music store-bookstore that's opening. It's supposed to be pretty cool. Daria: What was with all the suspense and wrapping then? Jane: I wanted you tho think you were getting something really cool. Daria: Well thanks. You'll have to show me where it is though. Jane: Trent will take you. (Daria starts blushing again. Quinn walks in through the front door.) Quinn: Hey where is everyone? Daria: They left about half an hour ago. Quinn: It's just as well, I didn't really know any of them anyway. Jane: Then why did you invite them? Quinn: Duh! Parties need people, even if you don't know who the hell they are. (Helen and Jake walk into the living room carrying a cake with lit candles.) Helen: Happy birthday, Sweetie! Daria: Dad, did you make this yourself? Jake: Well, no. After everyone got food poisoning at Quinn's last birthday, I went to the bakery. But I had it specially made for you. I looked over every detail. Daria: That's nice, Dad, but I spell my name with only one "R". Jake: Damnit! Daria: It's the thought that counts. Helen: Let's sing "Happy Birthday." (Mystyc Spyral tunes up and starts playing.) Trent: Happy Birthday to you. Everyone: Happy Birthday! Trent: Happy Birthday to you. Everyone: Happy Birthday! Trent: Happy Birthday Dear Daria. (Daria blushes.) Everyone and Trent: Happy Birthday to you! Trent: Make a wish Daria. (Daria glances around with a small smile as everyone smiles back.) Daria: I think it's covered already. (Jane and Daria sit on the living room couch watching the tape of Daria blowing out the candles.) Jane: Nice party. Daria: At the end, yeah. Jane: If I was you, I would have wished for Trent. (Daria smiles slyly.) Daria: In case you forgot, I still had a wish. [The End] Plot and Dialogue by: Courtney Wells Tell me what you though at Sentryhope@aol.com and they'll be more to come.