Self Less
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar. And to Medea for beta reading it.

(Lawndale High. Kevin and Brittany are having lunch in the cafeteria. Brittany is staring at a piece of paper)

Brittany: If X is the number of guests, and A is how much food they can eat... and B is how much they can drink. Decorations. Are they a C or a Y?

Kevin: But, babe, you don't need to do math outside the classroom.

Brittany: But I do. Oh no, why did I believe my dad when he said I'd gotten old enough to arrange my own parties?

Kevin: Gee, babe, maybe you should do like I do, and let the coach do your thinking for you.

Brittany: (Irritated) The coach can't help me with this. But maybe...

(Cut to Daria and Jane's table)

Jane: Have you ever wondered why we're still alive?

Daria: Must be a curse of some sort.

Jane: No. I mean when we eat the food in this cafeteria every day.

Daria: Maybe because the meat is always fresh. The cook hunts rats. Uh oh, stupidity at 9 o'clock.

Brittany: (Sits at their table) Hi, guys. Can you help me arrange a party?

Daria: Parties are against my religion.

Jane: Uhm, maybe. What's it about?

Brittany: I'm holding a party next weekend to celebrate the football team's latest victory. But I'm having trouble figuring out what to order and how much and stuff.

Jane: Yeah. I can help you. I did a school dance once. The one with Jackson Pollock.(1)

Brittany: You did that? Wasn't that Quinn?

Jane: She just took all the glory.

Brittany: (Angry) Yes, she would do something like that wouldn't she? Did you know she broke my crystal bullhorn? (2)

Daria: Other than I saw it happen? No.

Brittany: I tell you, Quinn is someone who won't get invited to *my* party. It's hard enough for me to control myself when I see her in the hallway. But if she showed up at my party, I'd do horrible things.

Jane: I like you so much better now. But if I have to help you, I want you to invite Daria.

Daria: Excuse me?

Brittany: I was only going to invite popular people... but why not. I'll send you an invitation, Daria.

Daria: Brittany, could you put your hands over your ears? Jane and I need to have a little discussion.

Brittany: (Confused) Uhm, okay. (puts her hands to her ears)

Daria: Explain yourself. What have I done to deserve the punishment of going to one of Brittany's parties? And why are you being so friendly towards her all of a sudden?

Jane: Mom and dad left the country last week. But before they did, they left a note asking me and Trent to clean the house while they were gone.

Daria: How convenient.

Jane: I know. Unfortunately I can barely overcome cleaning my own room, and Trent can't even do that. Not to mention the whole house. So we've decided to call an industrial cleaning service.

Daria: And this relates to you helping Brittany with her party how?

Jane: Money. If we have to pay both the mortgage and for an industrial cleaning service, we won't have anything to eat.

Daria: So if a certain *someone* helps Brittany with her party. A certain *someone* could order more food than the guests could possibly eat.

Jane: And then a certain *someone* could take the leftovers home with her in the Tank.

Daria: Smart. By why me?

Jane: At Brittany's party I'll be surrounded by people I don't like. I could do with an exception.

Daria: Nice try, but flattery will get you nowhere.

Jane: Didn't you hear her say Quinn wasn't invited?

Daria: That didn't escape my attention.

Jane: So how would Quinn feel if you got invited but not her?

Daria: At times like this I feel like adopting you.

Jane: Me a Morgendorffer? You hate me that much?

Daria: Uhm. Point taken.

(A couple of days later. Daria's room. Daria is sitting at her computer. Quinn comes in)

Quinn: Where is it? Did you take it?

Daria: You mean the sign at my door asking you to knock before entering?

Quinn: Oh, ha, ha. My invitation to Brittany's party. (looks at Daria's desk, sees Daria's invitation) There it is. (takes it)

Daria: Quinn...

Quinn: I can't believe you'd sink that low. Stealing my mail.

Daria: Quinn!

Quinn: We had a meeting in the fashion club. And the others started talking about Brittany's party. And I just sat there and had, like, *no* idea what they were talking about. Sandi even suggested I might not have been invited. But I knew...

Daria: Quinn!!

Quinn: ... I had to have been invited, because who ever heard of a party without *me* being invited. And then you steal my mail just to embarrass me.

Daria: QUINN!!!

Quinn: (Taken aback) What?

Daria: Look at it. It's not your invitation.

Quinn: That's ridiculous. (reads it) To Daria Morgendorffer??? But that's a mistake.

Daria: Why? It's not like she hasn't invited me to one of her parties before.

Quinn: Oh, now I get it. This really is my invitation. Brittany confused my name with yours. How stupid of her.

Daria: No, Quinn. It's not your invitation. Brittany didn't invite you. I know because she told me.

Quinn: (Nervous) But that can't be. Everyone popular has been invited. I'm popular.

Daria: You're also the one who destroyed her crystal bullhorn last time you went to her house. That's why you weren't invited.

Quinn: Not me... But you... Why?

Daria: (Sigh) Jane is helping her arrange it. She got me an invitation. (takes the invitation from Quinn and lays it back on her desk)

Quinn: You mean... I really haven't been invited?

Daria: I meant that the first time I said so.

(Quinn plops down on Daria's floor. She has an empty look in her eyes)

Daria: Quinn?

(Daria waves a hand in front of Quinn's eyes. Quinn doesn't react)

Daria: This is getting creepy. I'm going to over to Jane's.

(Jane's room. Jane is painting a picture. Daria is lying on Jane's bed staring at the ceiling)

Daria: Can I ask you something?

Jane: Would it help if I said no?

Daria: No. Do you think I've gone soft?

Jane: (Cocks a quizzical eye towards Daria) What gave you that idea?

Daria: Earlier today when Quinn found out that I, but not her, had been invited to Brittany's party. She looked like she had shell-shock. I've never seen her so miserable before. But somehow it wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I'm not even sure it was fun.

Jane: Did you try to comfort her?

Daria: Of course not.

Jane: Well, maybe it's just that as you've gotten older, your sense of humor has changed. Quinn-torment just isn't that big a part of your life anymore. Like when you're a little girl you play with dolls. But then someday you get tired of it.

Daria: I never played with dolls.

Jane: Okay, bad example. But you know what I'm getting at.

Daria: So it's because I've gotten older. It's got nothing to do with me getting soft?

Jane: You soft? Certainly not.

Daria: Thanks.

Jane: (Voiceover) She's getting soft.

Daria: (Voiceover) She thinks I'm getting soft.

(Quinn's room. Quinn is doing her homework. The door opens. Daria comes in)

Quinn: What do you want?

Daria: You know perfectly well what I want. My invitation. It was lying on my desk but now it's gone. You're the only one with a motive to take it. I want it back.

Quinn: Daria, let me explain.

Daria: No. Give it back or I'll start looking for it myself. And I'll take a knife to your stuffed animals if I have to.

Quinn: (Surprised) You know about my secret hiding places?

Daria: Since a year ago when your stuffed dog became pregnant overnight. You're supposed to remove some of the fillings before hiding stuff in those things you know.

Quinn: You mean ruin them? But they're my ...

Daria: (Smirk) Friends?

Quinn: Never mind. Look, if you'll just let me explain.

Daria: You have two minutes before dissection begins.

Quinn: You got invited because Jane is helping Brittany arrange her party, right?

Daria: Right.

Quinn: So Brittany has told the Rent-a-cop to let Jane come and go as she pleases. Right?

Daria: That would seem like the logical thing to do. So I guess not.

Quinn: Daria, please. Don't you see? You don't *need* an invitation. You can have Jane smuggle you in. Like you're a servant or something.

Daria: Can't I be an executioner instead?

Quinn: Uuuh! Then I can use *your* invitation to get in. I'll just tell the Rent-a-cop I'm you. Got it?

Daria: Once more I'm surprised at how you can suddenly turn into Thomas Edison when it comes to matters of your popularity. But the answer is still no.

Quinn: Fine. How much do you want?

Daria: I want a knife so I can start gutting your stuffed animals.

Quinn: You don't want money?! (whining) Is me suffering that important to you?

Daria: (Sighs) You get invited to more parties than you can overcome. What makes this one so important?

Quinn: What do you mean important? This is the party event of the month. I *have* to be there. Every popular student at school has been invited but me. What do you think this will make me look like?

Daria: Unpopular?

Quinn: See! You *do* understand! Daria, I *have* to be there.

Daria: Why don't you just tell people that you've been invited, but you can't go because you're not feeling well, or you got grounded.

Quinn: Even Tiffany won't fall for that. My friends are bound to get suspicious. Don't you see? They'll ask Brittany if I was invited or not.

Daria: What I don't see is why you refer to those people as friends. But I suppose that's part of your world -- not mine. Now give me back my invitation.

Quinn: (Defeated) You want me to beg, don't you? You want to see me lie before you on my crying knees.

Daria: Your "crying knees"? Boy this has really gotten to you. Look, Quinn, Brittany is mad at you. And she's bigger and stronger than you. If she finds you at her party you'll be leaving it in an ambulance.

Quinn: I guess I hadn't thought of that. You really think Brittany would beat me up?

Daria: Positive.

Quinn: Figures. (goes to her stuffed dog and pulls the invitation out of its mouth, hands it to Daria) Here.

Daria: You'll forgive me for not thanking you.

Quinn: That's okay. I just hadn't thought you'd be worried about me.

Daria: What do you mean "worried about you"?

Quinn: That you don't want me to get beaten up.

Daria: Uhm. That's not why I don't want you to go... I'm... Mom will blame me. That's it. I don't want you to get beaten up because mom would blame me for letting it happen.

Quinn: Oh. (voiceover) She's worried about me.

Daria: (Voiceover) She thinks I'm worried about her.

(At dinner. Quinn is dressed as for a funeral. Black dress and a veil)

Jake: (Nervous) Uhm. Did anyone die?

Quinn: Only my popularity.

Jake: Who?

Daria: She means her cat.

Jake: How sad. Cheer up, kiddo. We'll go to the pet store tomorrow and buy you a new one.

(Helen starts massaging her temples)

Daria: Are you sure that's a good idea, dad? I don't even see why Quinn should have so many cats. Selfish, Fashion-obsessed and Only-child are still alive.

(Quinn sends Daria a dirty look)

Jake: (Surprised) You have three cats, Quinn? They're house trained I hope.

Helen: (Irritated) Daria is being sarcastic, Jake. We don't have any cats.

Jake: We don't? Whew, for a moment I thought I didn't know my girls.

Daria: No cats, just our dog, Clueless.

Jake: (Surprised) We have a dog?

Helen: Daria, go to your room.

(That evening. Daria's room. Daria is laying on her bed. She's reading "The Rebel Angels" by Robertson Davies. There's a knock on the door)

Daria: No visitors allowed. I'm in isolation.

(Helen comes in)

Helen: I talked with Quinn.

Daria: Did she make sense to you?

Helen: Yes, she did. Daria, can't you think of a way to help her?

Daria: Why should I? All that's happened is that she hasn't been invited to a party, but she treats it like it's the end of the world. I'm having a hard enough time not making fun of her over it.

Helen: And I'm glad you haven't. Look, for you it's just a party. But for Quinn it's something else. For the first time in her life she's the one who didn't get invited.

Daria: So? There will be other parties. She'll get over it.

Helen: Are you sure? And if other people also get the idea not to invite Quinn. Then what?

Daria: I suppose she would have to learn not to rely on her popularity. As she *will* have to learn sooner or later.

Helen: True. And she's beginning to learn that. She's doing a lot better in school now. But I'd rather she learn it gradually instead of the shock therapy that could result from this. This has really gotten to her you know.

Daria: I know. I just don't see what its got to do with me.

Helen: (Sigh) In my line of work you often have to rely on favors. You know what I mean?

Daria: Corruption?

(Helen sends Daria a killer look. Daria swallows)

Helen: No. Like when you do people a favor but don't ask for anything in return. Then when you need something done they'll owe you.

Daria: Nice theory. But I doubt Quinn would repay a favor.

Helen: So you're saying that if Quinn would repay a favor, you'd be willing to help her?

Daria: You're good. When you want to, you can be really good.

Helen: If you do find a way to help her, I'll make sure Quinn understands she owes you. And I think it'll be good for her to know you want to help her.

Daria: But I don't want to help her. I'm only doing it because you twisted my words.

Helen: Sure, sweetie. (voiceover) She wants to help Quinn.

Daria: (Voiceover) She thinks I want to help Quinn.

(Next day. Sloane's residence. Tom and Daria are in the TV room. Daria is lying in Tom's arms)

TV: He loves rare animals, so he eats them for dinner! Panda barbecue, next on Sick Sad World.

Tom: My great grandfather did a lot of that. Maybe it's a documentary.

Daria: Mmmm.

Tom: This is where you're supposed to make a snide comment of some sort. What's eating you?

Daria: Quinn didn't get invited to a party at the Taylor's house. Now she fears the end of her popularity.

Tom: Maybe you didn't understand my question. What's eating *you*?

Daria: (Small smile) My mom wants me to help her. I got invited you see. The problem is that Brittany would kill Quinn on sight.

Tom: I've met the Taylor's at the country club. (sigh) Novou riche.

Daria: You know, I had almost managed to convince myself that you and your family isn't snobbish.

Tom: And I'd like to think we're not. But when it comes to avoiding the Taylor's you need every excuse you can get.

Daria: I should be offended by what you just said. But I met Ashley-Amber (3).

Tom: Can't you manipulate Brittany into inviting Quinn somehow?

Daria: I might. But the thought of manipulating her into doing something she doesn't want to bothers me. She's one of the few people at school who's been friendly towards me. She even tried helping me once (3).

Tom: I see. How about using hypnosis then? Make her believe she can't see Quinn.

Daria: "Can't see Quinn". Tom, that's brilliant.

Tom: No, that was a joke. And I seriously doubt it's even possible to use hypnotic suggestions on someone with an IQ like Brittany's.

Daria: Not that. Costumes. I'll get Brittany to turn it into a costume party. Then Quinn can wear a mask.

Tom: Good thinking. And you'll dress as what?

Daria: Uhm. You know how using your family connections goes against my principles?

Tom: And mine. But you get used to it. What is it you need that's not part of the usual inventory of a Rent-a-costume store?

Daria: Replicas of a classical Greek helmet and shield.

Tom: That's possible. One of dads friends has a thing for the old Greece. The shield -- should it come with a Medusa head on it?

Daria: This is why I like you so much.

(Tom and Daria kiss)

(Lawndale High. The hallway. Daria walks up to Brittany)

Daria: Hi. How's the party coming along?

Brittany: Hi, Daria. I'm not sure. Jane wants to do everything by herself. Can you understand why she doesn't want me around to help her?

Daria: Artists can be like that. She's probably grumpy because she wanted the party to be something special instead of it being just like every other party. One of those you forget you went to the next day.

Brittany: Forget?! But I want people to remember my parties.

Daria: I suppose it would help if you had a theme. Like if it were a *costume* party.

Brittany: A costume party. What a great idea. I've got to tell everyone. (runs off)

Daria: (Voiceover) Manipulated in less than 60 seconds. Sometimes I scare myself.

(Morgendorffer residence. Jake, Helen, Daria and Quinn are standing in the livingroom. Daria is dressed as the goddess Athena. White robe, sandals, a helmet, and a shield with a picture of a Medusa head on it. Quinn is dressed as soldier, she's holding a gas mask in her hand)

Jake: You look adorable, kiddos.

Daria & Quinn: Thanks, dad.

Jake: About your costume, Quinn. You do realize that when your mother and I were young, we rallied against the military. I hope ...

Helen: It's just a costume, dear. Quinn isn't trying to rebel against what we stand for.

Daria: You stand for something?

Helen: Thin ice, Daria.

Jake: And you, Daria. You do know the Statue of Liberty carries a torch and not a shield.

(Daria gets a pained expression on her face)

Helen: Don't be silly, Jake. Can't you see Daria is dressed as ... Uhm.

Quinn: The goddess Athena.

Daria: (Surprised) You know?

Quinn: I read a book on Greek mythology. It's really interesting. The Greek gods are this totally dysfunctional family. Lots of incest. Brother marrying sister and that kind of stuff. They rape mortals left and right. And when they get mad at some poor mortal, you have, like, no idea how nasty they can get.

(Jake looks terrified)

Daria: Uhm, dad. The Greek gods are mythology. It's not a cult.

Jake: (Nervous) But do you have to dress like someone who rapes and ...

Quinn: Don't be silly, dad. Athena is the noble one. She doesn't do that kind of stuff. When she was born, Hefaistos cracked Zeus skull open so she could get out. You see she ...

Daria: Maybe we should just leave. I'm itching to throw you into the trunk.

(Daria and Quinn start to leave)

Quinn: Can't you be to one who hides in the trunk? I could tell the Rent-a-cop I'm you.

Daria: No. And if you bring that up again I'll find a bumpy road.

(The door shuts)

Jake: The trunk. That's sarcasm, right?

Helen: (Sigh) I wish.

(At Brittany's party. Jane, dressed as Van Gogh, a smock and a bandage over her left ear, is standing at some tables filled with food. Brittany walks over to her. She's is wearing a late eighteenth century dress and a big white wig)

Brittany: How do you like my costume, Jane? I'm Marie Antoinette.

Jane: Lovely. And you have no need to worry. There's enough bread for everyone, no need to tell people to eat cake.

Brittany: (Doesn't get it) So I see. But haven't you ordered too much. How can we eat all that?

Jane: Oh, it'll get eaten alright.

Brittany: Have you seen Kevvie?

Jane: Try the gorilla. I noticed it's carrying a football under its arm.

Brittany: Oh no, that couldn't be Kevvie. I told him to come as Louis the sixteenth.

Jane: (Voiceover) Should I tell her? It's a little early for entertainment. (outloud) Then I haven't seen him.

(The gorilla walks over to Daria)

Kevin: Hi, babe.

Daria: I had a feeling that would be you. (pause) Excuse me. Did you just call me "babe"?

Kevin: Oh yeah. You're not usually a babe. But with that Xena costume, you're totally hot.

Daria: It's Athena, Kevin.

Kevin: That's what I said. Xena.

Daria: This is going to be a long night.

(Quinn walks over to Sandi and Tiffany. Sandi is dressed as a pirate. Tiffany as a tiger)

Quinn: (Takes her gas mask of) Hi, guys.

Sandi: Oh, there you are *Quinn*. I was beginning to wonder if you'd been invited.

Quinn: But, Sandi. Who ever heard of a party without *me* being invited.

Sandi: (Sigh) That's true I suppose.

(Stacy walks over to them. She's dressed as Quinn usually does. Blue jeans and a blouse with a butterfly on it. Her hair has been dyed red)

Quinn & Sandi: Oh, no.

Tiffany: This is soooo wrong.

Stacy: How do you like my costume? I look just like Quinn.

Sandi: Stacy. Do me a favor will you? Don't talk to me tonight.

Stacy: You mean you don't like my costume?

Sandi: I said *don't* talk to me.

Quinn: Stacy look here ...

(Brittany walks over to them)

Quinn: Uhm. I suddenly remember being thirsty. (puts her gas mask on and leaves in a hurry)

(Brittany grabs Stacy by the shoulders and lifts her up so they are face to face)

Brittany: (Furious) What're you doing here, Quinn? You have a lot of guts to show your face here *uninvited* after you broke my crystal bullhorn. I am *so* going to beat you up now.

Stacy: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

Sandi: That's not Quinn. It's Stacy dressed *as* Quinn.

Brittany: Oh, so it is. (puts a nervous Stacy down) I'm sorry, Stacy. I thought you were Quinn.

Stacy: (Hyper ventilating) Hhhhhhh, hhhhhhh, hhhhhhh.

Sandi: But if you feel that way about Quinn, why did you invite her?

Brittany: Boy, you fashion girls can be really stupid sometimes.

Sandi: What's that supposed to mean?

Brittany: Can't you see this isn't Quinn? It's Stacy.

Sandi: So Quinn hasn't been invited?

Brittany: (Irritated) That's what I said. I tell you, if I found Quinn at my party, I'd hunt her down like an animal. (leaves)

Sandi: You know, Tiffany, I suddenly sense the possibility for TDoQ.

Tiffany: That is soooo... (pause) What?

Sandi: "Total Destruction of Quinn"

Tiffany: That is soooo wrong.

Sandi: (Looks cross at Tiffany) Maybe it's wrong *now*. I suppose the entertainment can wait a few hours. We don't want to ruin the party just yet.

(Three girls are gathered. Daria is within hearing range)

Girl1: That girl is more popular than her. But not as popular as Sandi.

Girl2: Is Sandi as popular as Quinn?

Girl1: Don't be silly. No one is as popular as Quinn.

Girl3: Where is Quinn?

Girl2: Over there. (points) She's dressed as G. I. Joe.

Girl3: She's wearing a gas mask? Yuck.

Girl1: Her popularity can handle it. If she hadn't been invited, that'd be another matter.

Girl2: What about *that* girl? (points at Daria) She's not popular at all. But the guys are drooling over her.

Girl1: What did you expect? She's dressed as Xena.

(Daria gets a miserable look on her face)

(Kevin walks over to Brittany)

Kevin: Hi, babe.

Brittany: Kevvie, what're you doing? You were supposed to come as Louis the sixteenth.

Kevin: Yeah. But then I saw this monkey costume. It's cool isn't it?

Brittany: Uuuuuuh! You big ape.

Kevin: That's right babe. I'm a big ape! (jumps up and down) Wuk, wuk, wuk!

Brittany: Aaaaah!

(Brittany hits Kevin in the face. Kevin falls to the ground. Brittany leans over him)

Brittany: I'm sorry, Kevvie. I don't know what comes over me sometimes. Kevvie, talk to me.

(Sandi looks at Quinn. She has a smile on her face. Quinn sees it and shudders)

Jane: If I'd known Kevin and Brittany were planning to come as Louis the sixteenth and Marie Antoinette, I'd have dressed as Robespierre.

Daria: And if I had know Kevin would come as a gorilla, I'd have... No. I suppose it should have been obvious he would've come as a gorilla. (sigh) I hate being here.

Jane: What is it this time? Other than being surrounded by people you don't like.

Daria: And who think I'm Xena.

Jane: You mean the guys finally like you?

Daria: I could kill you for that. But I don't have my spear with me.

(The 3 J's walk over to Quinn. They're dressed as cavemen)

Jamie: Hi, Quinn.

Joey: We heard you were you, Quinn.

Jeffy: It is you, Quinn? Isn't it?

Quinn: (Removes her gas mask) It's me. You like my costume?

Jamie: I love it. You look like one of my action figures.

Joey: A real warrior woman.

Jeffy: Hey, guys. Look over there. It's Xena! (points at Daria)

(Daria is getting something to eat. The 3 J's surrounds her)

Jamie: Can I get you something to eat?

Joey: Can I get you something to drink?

Jeffy: Can I eat and drink?

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: Guys, what're you doing? I'm the one you're supposed to do favors for.

Jamie: I know.

Joey: But... I mean... look at her.

Jeffy: She's dressed as Xena.

Quinn: No, she's not ...

Daria: Don't say it, Quinn.

Quinn: ... She's dressed as Athena.

Jamie: That's what we said. Xena.

Daria: I told you not to say it.

(A few hours later. Sandi walks over to Brittany)

Sandi: Hi. I just wanted to congratulate you with this great party.

Brittany: Thanks. But it's not a great party. Kevvie can't see with his left eye. And now Mack is angry at me because he might have to sit out on the next game.

Sandi: Still, a costume party was a good idea. Take Quinn. Doesn't she look great as soldier?

(Daria is standing by the window. A sound comes from behind the curtains)

Quinn: Pssst.

Daria: Oh, no. The curtains are talking to me. Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill?

Quinn: Daria, be serious.

Daria: *I* should be serious? You're the one hiding behind a curtain.

Quinn: I think Brittany is looking for me. Can't you see how she seems to be searching for someone?

(Daria looks at Brittany who is scouting around the room. Sandi is following her around)

Daria: Maybe she's looking for her lost marbles.

Quinn: No, it's me. I think someone might have told her I'm here.

Daria: Someone?

Quinn: Fine. Sandi must have told her. Daria, you have to help me.

Daria: Again? This is becoming a habit.

Quinn: Please. You don't want me to get mutilated, do you?

Daria: Damn. Move over. (gets behind the curtain) Now strip.

Quinn: Oh, I see. Smart.

Daria: You do realize that if anyone pulls the curtains aside and sees the two of us standing in our underwear, it'll be your popularity and not mine, as I don't have one.

Quinn: Don't be silly. If anyone sees the curtains move they'll just think someone is making out. Anyhow, thanks for caring.

Daria: But I don't. I'm only doing this because I'm tired of people thinking I'm Xena.

Quinn: (Voiceover) She cares.

Daria: (Voiceover) She thinks I care.

(Brittany walks over to the one dressed as soldier and grabs her arm)

Brittany: Got you, Quinn. I'm going to show you what I do with gate crashers.

Daria: Brittany, it's me, Daria. (takes her gas mask of)

Brittany: Daria? But Sandi told me the girl dressed as soldier was Quinn. Why would she do such a thing?

Daria: Sounds to me like she's trying to make fun of you.

Brittany: (To Sandi, angry) So *that's* it! You're trying to make fun of me. You fashion girls are all the same. First Quinn destroys my crystal bullhorn and now this. But you just wait, Sandi Griffin. You've no idea what I'm going to do to you now.

(A few moments later. Brittany's guests are standing by the windows looking out at the garden where a screaming Sandi is being chased around by Brittany)

Jane: You think she'll catch her?

Daria: It's possible. Although Brittany's eighteenth century dress does give Sandi an advantage.

Girl1: What I don't understand is why Brittany invited Quinn if she's got a grudge against her.

Jane: She had to. I mean, what would a party be without Quinn?

Girl1: Yeah, that must be why.

Daria: Excuse me.

Jane: I don't know. Maybe all your being nice to Quinn is starting to rub off.

Daria: (Sigh) That's just it, isn't it? I'm doing all this because I want to be nice to Quinn.

Jane: Don't be silly. You had other reasons. Helen is making you do this. Remember?

Daria: I know you mean well. But there's no point to it. First I fail to make fun of Quinn. Then I save her popularity. And now I've saved her from certain mutilation by Brittany. Let's face it. This isn't just me getting older, it's me getting soft. I've lost my self. I might as well go home and borrow some of Quinn's clothes. Maybe get some new glasses, and a new hair style.

Jane: (Pause) Help me carry the leftover food into the Tank. Then I'll drive you home so you can sleep on it. You'll see. Tomorrow you'll be your old hard self.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Jake is watching the news. Daria, looking miserable, comes in)

Jake: Hi, kiddo. Uhm. Isn't that Quinn's costume you're wearing?

Daria: We decided to make a switch. It's part of the new me.

Jake: Was it a good party?

Daria: As good as can be expected when you haven't got anything in common with the other guests I suppose. It did get fun near the end though. Unfortunately, Brittany's dress prevented her from scaling the fence. (sits next to Jake)

Jake: (Confused) The fence? Is that sarcasm?

Daria: No, it's a teenage thing, dad. Don't try to understand it.

TV: An officer at the scene said that if she hadn't died in her own apartment, she might never have been identified, as her face was gone.

Jake: Isn't it disgusting how something like that can happen in this day and age? A woman dies in her apartment, no one notices, and her cats starts eating her.

Daria: You have to look at it in a positive way, dad. At least her cats didn't starve.

Jake: (Pause) Daria, I think we need to have a little father to daughter talk.

Daria: There's no such thing.

Jake: I suppose I could arrange for a mother to daughter talk instead.

Daria: (Voiceover) It seems like dad has one of his clarity periods. Better to play along. (outloud) Father to daughter is fine.

Jake: What I want to say is that I've noticed you often say cruel and heartless things, Daria. Like other people's sufferings are somehow amusing to you. Helen has assured me that you're just being sarcastic. But to tell you the truth I often doubt that.

Daria: (Voiceover) Be careful here. (outloud) I'm just being sarcastic.

Jake: Are you sure? Sometimes you do come across as both cold and cruel.

Daria: (Smiles) You really mean that? So you don't think I've gone soft?

Jake: You, soft? No. You're harder than my clients. And this is what I want to talk ...

Daria: (Hugs Jake) Thanks, dad. (voiceover) What am I doing?

Jake: (Puts his arms around Daria) My little girl. I didn't mean to get you upset. I'm sure you were just being sarcastic those times. You're not cold or cruel. You're my little soft kiddo. (pads Daria on the head)

Daria: (Flatly) You have no idea what this means to me.

(Daria's room. There's a knock on the door)

Daria: (From under the bed) Go away.

(Quinn comes in)

Quinn: Daria?

Daria: What part of the "go away" didn't you understand?

Quinn: What're you doing under the bed?

Daria: Searching for my lost self.

Quinn: Aren't you supposed to become a hermit to do that? Not that I like hermits. I've seen pictures of hermits and they dress really terrible. Plus I think you have to be a man to be a hermit.

Daria: Whatever. What do you want?

Quinn: Mom was waiting for me when I came home. She told me I owe you this big favor, and then she threatened to revoke my credit card privileges if I didn't make it up to you. Not that she needed to. I'll gladly do you a favor.

Daria: (Surprised) You will?

Quinn: Oh yes. I've dreamt of giving you a makeover my whole life.

Daria: (Pause) Thanks, Quinn.

Quinn: There's no need to thank me. Tomorrow we go shopping for some new clothes for you.

Daria: No, thank you for helping me find my lost self.

Quinn: Daria, you know I don't understand what you say when you go all brainy on me.

Daria: Oh, you will.

(Next day. Jane's room. Jane and Daria are cleaning it. Quinn comes in. She's holding a broom in her hands)

Daria: The costume party was yesterday you know.

Quinn: What's that sup... Oh, ha, ha. Very funny. Look, this isn't fair.

Jane: It's not meant to be.

Quinn: It's bad enough you make me help clean Jane's house. But all you and Jane do is clean her room. And that Trent thing won't even wake up. You can't make me clean the rest of the house by myself.

Daria: I can, I will, and I do. Four words, Quinn. "Denial of credit card".

Quinn: Uuuuh! (leaves)

Jane: Now that I don't have to call an industrial cleaning service, and I have all the food from Brittany's party, what am I going to do with the extra money?

Daria: Take me to a UFO convention.

Jane: We've done that before.

Daria: I know, but Brittany's party has given me inspiration. Maybe this time we should wear costumes.

Jane: You mean aliens? That's lame.

Daria: No. I'm thinking something in black. And sunglasses. Maybe find Artie and stalk him.

Jane: WiB? Now *I* feel like adopting you.

(Quinn's screams are heard)


Daria: You have a pet?

Jane: That or one of Trent's socks.

Daria: I could help her, but why would I? I guess Quinn-torment is still a part of my life. Maybe I haven't gone soft.

Jane: You haven't gone soft. (voiceover) She's not getting soft.

Daria: (Voiceover) She doesn't think I'm getting soft.


(1) "Daria Dance Party"

(2) "Grouped by an Angel"

(3) "The Old and the Beautiful"