Dumber And Dumber

The Stupidity Boundless Series

by Scarlet

 

Episode 102

Dumber and Dumber

 

 

 

 

(Open on the exterior of The Morgendorffer household.Cut to Dariaís room.The scene is the epitome of peaceful slumber.That is until a piercing scream can be heard coming from Quinnís room.Daria sits bolt upright and looks to her alarm clock, 6:42am.)

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† (To herself) Damn it, Quinn, canít this wait until everyone is awake?Or until after the Armageddon?

 

(Daria makes her way to her sisterís room and bumps into her father on the way)

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Oof!Um, sorry, Dad.

 

Jake:†††††††††††††††††††††† Never mind, kiddo.Whatís wrong with Quinn this morning?

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Other than the stress of being a normal, popular teenage girl?I think sheís just having an old nightmare.

 

Jake:†††††††††††††††††††††† Whatís with that bruise on your forehead, kiddo?

 

(At that instant Quinn comes barging out of her room past Jake and Daria and makes a run for the bathroom.Jake and Daria look stunned.When Quinn returns they are still standing outside her room)

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† (Suspiciously) Dad, Daria, what are you doing here?

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† We live here, Quinn.

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† Outside my room, Daria.

 

Jake:†††† ††††††††††††††††† We heard you screaming and we came to see what was wrong.

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† Um, nothing, just having this really scary dream.Daria, can I talk to you in private for a minute.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† I donít reallyÖ argh!

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† Thanks Daria!

 

(Quinn pulls a stunned Daria into her room and sits her on the bed.)

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† (Deadpan) God, Quinn, your room still looks like this?

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† (Sarcastic) Ha ha.But this is important.I really did have a nightmare.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Donít worry, Quinn, it was just a dream, those puppies were not really being tortured.

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† Iíd take the puppy-hurting dream over this one.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Thinking) Something must really be disturbing her if she says something like that.(Now speaking) Okay, Quinn, what was this dream about?

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† Beavis.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Uh, say no more.

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† He wasÖ

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Quinn, I was serious when I said, ďSay no moreĒ.Iím sure that your dream was just an exaggeration of how youíre feeling about the whole Beavis situation.

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† God, I wish I didnít tell Stacy about him last night.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Knowing how much can be said in one of those conversations) Oh, God.Just how much did you say about him?

 

([Music: The Cure Ė Jumping On Someone Elseís Train] Cut to Daria and Jane walking to school)

 

Jane:††††† ††††††††††††††††† And how much did Quinn happen to tell Stacy?

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† About everything.Now everyone at school is going to have their attention trained on me as well.

 

(By this time they are entering the front doors of the school)

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† You could always start a rumour about Quinn and Beavis if it gets too much.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† I could, but I wonít.If I did and Beavis ever caught wind of it, he might believe it himself and act out on it.And despite my relationship with my sister, I still wouldnít wish that upon her.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† What about Sandi?

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Weíll see.So anyway, did you remember to bring your camera today?

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Oh, yeah.I brought enough tape to last for the whole week.

 

Daria:†††††††††††††††††††††† What about your books?

 

Janes:†††††††††††††††††††††† Whatís more important, schoolwork of the ability to watch Beavis getting his ass kicked over and over? I donít want to miss a second of the carnage.

 

(Passing by Beavis)

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† (Begins following Daria and Jane) Whoa!Meh, heh, carnage is cool.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Beavis, as much as Iíd love to watch the whole thing with you, I donít think itíd work out.You are supposed to be in front of the camera.

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† Um, okay.Um, is this going to be, like, on TV or something?

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Bombshells being thrown at Blonds, Next on Sick Sad World.

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† Bombs, yeah, bombs are cool.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Andy Warhol, eat your heart out.(To Daria) If he keeps this kind of talk up, Ms Liís going to be in on the action, Iíve always wanted a video of police brutality.

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† So, like, whereís the bomb, or something?

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Are you sure you want eight or nine hours of this?

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Sure beats eight or nine hours of some guy sleeping.Besides, if I edit out all the crap I may have around an hours worth of entertainment.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† And if you edit out all the stupid crap thatís going to happen, youíll have nothing.

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† This movie sucks, can we, like, make it a porno, or something?

 

Jane:††††† ††††††††††††††††† Not today, Beavis.

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† Wanna, like, see my thingy?

 

Daria and Jane: (In unison) No!

 

(Cut to Mr OíNeilís class)

 

Sandi:††††††††††††††††††††† (Very devious, slightly raised voice) So, Quinn, is that creepy new guy your ex-boyfriend from Highland, or something?

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† (To herself) Oh, no.(To Sandi) Of course not Sandi, what do you think I am?

 

Sandi:††† ††††††††††††††††† But didnít you tell Stacy that you two went to the same school in Highland?

 

Quinn:†† ††††††††††††††††† Stacy!

 

Stacy:†††† ††††††††††††††††† (Very fearful) Eep!Um, sorry, Quinn.

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† Besides, Sandi, just because we went to the same school does not mean that we went out.Ick!

 

Sandi:††††††††††††††††††††† Gee, Quinn, I hope you arenít trying to make me look like a liar in front of all these people.Cos, like, itís your word against mine now.

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† Um, (notices that a few people are now staring at her) come on, guys, you believe me, right?(Blank stares)Right? Ugh!

 

(At this Quinn storms out of the room just as Mr OíNeil addresses the class)

 

OíNeil:†††††††††††††††††† Now class, today isÖ Um, Quinn?(Looks over to the remainder of the Fashion Club) Um, Sandi, is there something wrong with Quinn?

 

Sandi:††††††††††††††††††††† Oh, no, I wouldnít worry about it.

 

OíNeil:†††††††††††††††††† Okay, well then, letís get started.I hope everyone brought in their selected texts.

 

(The students as a collective hold up their texts, they are all magazines, a few guitar magazines, outdated copies of Waif, football magazines, Seventeen magazines, two pornos and a Ratboy comic)

 

OíNeil:†††††††††††††††††† Um, there werenít any actual books, were there?

 

Jamie:†††††††††††††††††††† But you, like said they could be whatever we wanted.

 

OíNeil:†††††††††††††††††† (Sighs) I guess I did, Jason, didnít I.Well, in that case, for your assignment youíll have to include the text that you are parodying.Um, could someone tell Quinn about this?Iíd hate to see her at a disadvantage.

 

(Jamie, Jeffy and Joey look at each other and run out the room door.)

 

J x 3:†††††††††††††††††††††† (In unison) Quinn wait up.

 

Jeffy:†††††††††††††††††††††† (OS) We donít care if that Beavis creep was your boyfriend.We all make mistakes!

 

Joey:†††††††††††††††††††††† (OS) Iíll kick his ass for you Quinn!

 

Jamie:†††††††††††††††††††† (OS) No way, heís mine, asshole!

 

Joey:†††††††††††††††††††††† (OS) Find your own guy to beat up!

 

(The sounds of battle can now be heard in the hall where Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are duking it out to see who gets the sacred right to kill Beavis, Sandi looks on in dismay, ashamed that three hot guys would prefer Quinn over her despite the sordid rumour she had just planted.)

 

OíNeil:†††††††††††††††††† (Sighs) Never mind.

 

(Cut to Mr DeMartinoís class, Mr DeMartino has a large bald patch on the left side of his head and is in a state of near hysteria.)

 

DeMartino:††††††††† No, Jane, the Spanish Inquisition did not use comfy chairs as a preferred punishment!

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† (Very evil smirk with camera hiding just behind her desk and pointed at her teacher) But what aboutÖ

 

DeMartino:††††††††† Enough, Jane, Monty Python shows are not a reliable source for information on world history.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† What about their movies?

 

DeMartino:††††††††† Ms Lane, if you cared to read the text last night you would know that the Spanish Inquisition did not use comfy frigging chairs, fluffy pillows, spice racks, and Eric Idle was not the grand inquisitor at any period in history!

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† (Quietly to himself) Heh, heh, like, grand masturbator.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† (To Daria) The seed has been planted, now for a word from our star of the show if you donít mind.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Not at all, Andy Warlane.(To Beavis) Um, Beavis, guess what?

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† Um, what, Diarrhoea?Heh, heh, cha, cha, cha!

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Sighs to herself) I canít believe Iím doing this. (To Beavis) Look over there!Hot, naked chick!

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† (Jumps up out of his seat and looks over to Brittany and yells at the top of his lungs) All right! Hot, naked chick!This rules!(Calms down) Um, wait a minute.

 

DeMartino:††††††††† Thatís it!

 

(Mr DeMartino leaps over his desk, pushes past the students in the front row, purposefully pushing Kevin out of his seat and grabbing Beavis by the throat.The scene is similar to Ms Barchís class of the previous day, most of the students cheering DeMartino on, Jodie and Mack this time are looking on in an amused manner, Daria is looking on with much the same look on her face while Jane is standing atop her desk filming the whole event from above.After Kevin picks himself off the floor he somehow realizes that Beavis was talking about Brittany and thus joins in with DeMartino in the massacre, after this the entire class, sans Jodie, Mack, Jane and Daria, join in and the room becomes a riot.Jodie, Mack and Daria leave the room not wanting to be caught up in this, while Jane stays just inside the doorway to catch the remaining action.Just down the hallway the very badly bruised Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are stalking painfully and searching for Beavis.They hear his screams coming from DeMartinoís class and so they push past Jane and join in.)

 

DeMartino:††††††††† (OS) Die, you little moronic imbecile, you make Kevin look like a genius, you maggot!

 

Kevin:††††††††††††††††††† (OS) Thanks, Mr D.

 

DeMartino:††††††††† (OS) Shut up, Kevin!

 

Kevin:†† ††††††††††††††††† (OS) Urk!

 

(Daria sighs to herself at how quickly the day has descended into madness.She head towards the girls room to hide from this scene.Upon entering the room she hears some very familiar sobs coming from the end stall.)

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Um, Quinn, this is my stall.

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† (Irritated) God, Daria, canít you ever just leave me alone?

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Well, you sound pretty upset so Iím going to go against my better judgement and try to cheer you up.

 

Quinn:††††††††††††††††††† Yeah, and what could cheer me up now, my life is over.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Is it so over you canít go down to Mr DeMartinoís classroom and watch Kevin, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie and DeMartino himself beat Beavis into submission?

 

(At this Quinn opens her stall and runs out of the restroom.)

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Smirking to herself) Yeah, youíre welcome.

 

([Music:Smashing Pumpkins Ė Pug] Cut to the school auditorium, all of the students and teachers involved in the incident are seated in the front two rows and are being severely scolded by Ms Li.)

 

Li:†††††††††† ††††††††††††††††† Just what the hell were you doing in there?

 

Beavis: ††††††††††††††††† Um, like, looking at naked chicks.

 

DeMartino:††††††††† (Pointing to Beavis) Polishing the floor with his face.

 

J x 3:†††††††††††††††††††††† (in unison and also pointing to Beavis) Killing that dude.

 

Kevin:†† ††††††††††††††††† (Also pointing to Beavis) Kicking his ass for ogling my girl!

 

Andrea:††††††††††††††††† (Very bitter that it has come to this) Having some good, honest fun.

 

Jane:††††† ††††††††††††††††† (Still filming) Capturing all of the carnage on tape.

 

Li:†††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Ms Lane, turn that thing off, (beat) now!

 

(Jane grudgingly complies)

 

Li:†††††††††††††††††††††††††††† Now, due to he sheer size of this group, a bulk suspension is simply out of the question.It would make me look like an unfit administrator to even have brawling on school campus.It is for this reason that I am going to ask you all to forget that this even happened.For now we will sweep it under the rug, but if any of you digress in anyway, you will be expelled immediately.Capice? (Beat) Good.(Very acid voice) Have a nice day.

 

(Outside in the hallway, Kevin confronts Beavis.)

 

Kevin:††††††††††††††††††† (Trying to be menacing) I, um, donít know, like, who you are and stuff, but, like, if you talk about my girlfriend like that again, I will, like, kill you.

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† Um, okay.Sorry about that.

 

Kevin:††††††††††††††††††† Cool.Say youíre funny sometimes!

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† Um, really?Thanks.

 

(Cut to another hallway, Kevin and Beavis are walking side by side)

 

Beavis:†††††††††††††††††† Heh, heh, then he, like, said Spanish Masturbation!

 

(Both Kevin and Beavis double up in a moronic giggling fit.Fade Out)

 

(Fade back in.After school at Casa Lane, Daria is sitting on the bed while Jane is painting something that looks like Beavisí head with a nail rammed through it with Ms Barch and Mr DeMartino behind him fighting for the hammer.)

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Is it all right if I edit these tapes at your place?Our VCR broke about two years ago along with the TV.

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Um, sure.Iím warning you though; Quinn will want to watch you doing this.

 

Jane:††††† ††††††††††††††††† Thatís all right, I want to make a few copies and sell them over the Internet.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Itíll be a best seller in Highland, thatís for sure.To think that Andy Warhol was praised just for filming some guy sleeping.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Oh, yeah, this could really kick start my career.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Iím sure it could.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Check thatÖ our career.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† What?

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Címon, Daria.I do the filming and subsequent artwork, you do a stirring commentary and Mystik Spiral can do an amazing metal soundtrack!So, what do you say?

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Uh, Crazy Nutfights, eat your heart out?

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Thatís the spirit!

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Well, if I can take the tape home I wont have to say anything when Mom and Dad ask me how my day was.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† What, are you trying to deprive me of the most interesting thing in my house?

 

Daria:††† ††††††††††††††††† Sorry, I wouldnít want to do that, would I?

 

Jane:††††† ††††††††††††††††† At least youíve got a boyfriend to entertain you, all Iíve got is Trentís practicing.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Mumbles something to herself).

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Hey, Daria, you want to invite Tom over when we do the editing.

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† (Dripping with sarcasm) Sure, in fact, why donít we just open my house and charge everyone five bucks to watch the magic unfold.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† Hey, great idea, maybe we can document that too!

 

Daria:††††††††††††††††††††† Not on your life, compadre.

 

Jane:†††††††††††††††††††††† (Faux disappointment) Aww.

 

End

 

Ė When the gym is obliterated, who will cry?Only those who get hurt, of course. A few injuries and a very unpleasant situation for the Morgendorffer girls will result in SB #103 Ė The Death of a Gymnasium.

 

 

Authorís Notes:††† Well, thereís the second instalment in the SB series.I had a distinct lack of ideas for this one and so itís just a little shorter than I had intended it to be, but I did keep my word and mention Tom in this episode.Because of the lack of notable events in this episode, I will keep these notes to a minimum.Spanish Inquisition jokes were written by Monty Python.

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† For reference here, Helen was not mentioned here because she was obviously at work, when Quinn screams out the clock showed the time to be 6:42am and how many times on the show does Helen dash out of the house at 5am screaming about her 7 oíclock meetings?She is written into the next episode.

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† And in case you noticed, Daria is in fact being uncharacteristically nice to Quinn, donít worry, itís a hard time for both of them and as such is just a phase.

Please feel free to send reviews, comments and criticisms to me at redboymark@hotmail.com.All types of ego-inflation will be welcomed.

 

 

This work was inspired by the following and thus many thanks go out to:All the good people who worked to bring us five seasons of Daria, the inane comedies of Beavis and Butthead, the many people who have written entertaining Daria fanfics over the course of time, namely Canadibrit, Crazy Nutso, Dianne Long, Erin Mills, Martin J. Pollard, Kara Wild, Jon Kilner, Nemo Blank and Wildgoose.Thank you all for entertaining me. All references to Monty Python are purely intentional.

 

Daria and Beavis and Butthead and all characters and their personalities contained within are copyright MTV, Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn and Mike Judge and various other people I have failed to mention here.This story was created purely for fun, not for money.Please do not use this or any subsequent works of mine for any financial gain.The stories, themes and new characters within The Stupidity Boundless Series, however, unless duly credited, were created and written by me:Mark Coulson, aka Scarlet, copyright 2002.

 

Songs:†††† The Cure Ė Jumping On Someone Elseís Train (Standing On A Beach, 1979, 1986)

††††††††††††††††† Smashing Pumpkins Ė Pug (Adore, 1998)