THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 25-2
THE
EMANCIPATION OF KILLER: PART TWO
(The exciting if predictable,
conclusion of the Emancipation of Killer)
Scene I (Daria and
Neill's dorm, INT, Night)
(Daria is sound asleep when
she is awoken by a knock at the door)
(Daria wearily gets up, puts
on robe and answers door)
(Sandi is revealed)
DARIA
Oh...hi...Um...You know where
Christie's dorm is right?
SANDI
This isn't about her. This is
about Neill.
DARIA
What did he do?
(Apprehensively)
SANDI
Beat some guy up
DARIA
He what?
SANDI
He beat some guy up. Do you
know where Jane is?
DARIA
Jane?
SANDI
Yeah, he mentioned something
about saying goodbye to Jane, and this is the way things had to be or something
like that...
(EPISODE
11-1 PASSING
NEILL
Australian, different country, crazy road rules, green card
DARIA
Oh
NEILL
Yeah, if I even make the smallest infringement, I'll be deported
(CURRENT DAY)
DARIA
That idiot. OK, I think I know somebody who may be able to help us. You call
Jane, and I'll call the one person I know who could get Neill off.
SANDI
You know her number?
DARIA
Oh yeah. Uhh, I'll call Jane. You....
SANDI
Supervise?
DARIA
No, Give Christie another shot. She's been miserable without you. You know
where her dorm is...
SANDI
It's about time we talked about some things...I'll do that...thanks...
(Sandi departs)
DARIA
And I thought I had low self esteem. Damn that Neill.
(Daria picks up phone
and dials)
(Lucy Answers)
LUCY
I told you Tyrone, I can't come out to play right now...
DARIA
What?
LUCY
What? Who is this?
DARIA
It's Daria...
LUCY
Oh, Jane's friend...I'll get her.
JANE
Daria, I'll only be pleased with a call at this time if you're drunk
DARIA
I'm afraid I have some bad news
JANE
What?
DARIA
Neill's in jail
JANE
Neill's in Jail?
DARIA
Yeah...he beat up some guy...I think he did it on purpose...
JANE
Well Gee Whiz Daria, you think?
DARIA
No...he has some crazy idea that staying here would be hurting you...so...
JANE
Huh?
DARIA
He thinks he's not good enough for you, that's the only reason he rejected you...
JANE
And?
DARIA
I think he may be intentionally trying to get himself deported.
JANE
Oh
Scene II (INT,
Night, Christie's dorm)
(Christie is fast asleep
when she is awoken by a knock at the door)
CHRISTIE
That better be Angelina Jolie...
(Christie puts on robe
and answers door)
SANDI
Hey
CHRISTIE
It's not I'm pleased to see you, but its
SANDI
I know, but I was in the neighborhood and decided that I'd give you a buzz
CHRISTIE
You were in the neighborhood?
SANDI
Yeah, it's a long story. I'd rather talk about us.
CHRISTIE
Well, you had better come in before the over-zealous fuzz drags your ass in
(Sandi enters, as they
sit down at table)
SANDI
Okay, I'll go first. I've been a complete tool, not the good kind either.
CHRISTIE
Good kind?
SANDI
It's 3AM. To tell you the truth, I was getting a little freaked out that you
wanted to move in with me, but that's because of my ex.
CHRISTIE
Your ex?
SANDI
Yeah, when I first got to college I hooked up with this guy. Things were going
well, so at the end of freshman year we decide to move somewhere off-campus.
Things went well for a couple of weeks, until of course I found my stuff gone...
CHRISTIE
Huh?
SANDI
All of it. All the bastard left me was a jar of mustard. So I had to drop out,
move in with my sister and work a job.
CHRISTIE
Was it good mustard?
SANDI
Not even. So that's why I freaked out when you started wanting to move in with
me. But what freaked me out even more is that I couldn't talk to you about it
because deep down I knew that you would never do that do me, but I still had my
doubts.
CHRISTIE
I think in a relationship it's only natural that you keep some stuff from the
other person. It's what gives the relationship spice. By the way, did you know
I was adopted?
SANDI
What?
CHRISTIE
Yeah. I kept it from you. I don't know why...I guess it's something I didn't like
to talk about. It's the reason I was so eager to move in with you...I guess I
figured that moving in with you would rule out being abandoned by you.
SANDI
Huh?
CHRISTIE
But I think pushing you like that wasn't a good move in hindsight. But I think
I'll be fine now.
SANDI
So where do we go from here?
CHRISTIE
We probably still have some stuff to work out, but I
think we can give us another shot.
SANDI
I'd agree with that. I missed you.
CHRISTIE
So did I. Ask the fuzz.
SANDI
Huh?
CHRISTIE
Apparently I make a sound like a wounded Harp Seal when I cry.
Scene III (INT,
Night, Jail)
NEILL
So, what are you in here for?
MAN
What you talkin' about? Huh!?
NEILL
I'm going to go ahead and guess public drunkenness...
(Neill takes cricket
ball out of pocket and starts to throw it in the air)
NEILL
So, seen any good movies lately?
MAN
Yeah...that one with the guy, who does the stuff
NEILL
Ahh. Space Heathens IX.
MAN
Man, do a Croc Hunter Impression!
NEILL
No, I don't think so
MAN
C'mon man!
NEILL
Nah, sorry mate
MAN
I'll kick your ass!
NEILL
I'm in here for getting in a bar fight. Do you see a scratch on me?
(Guard comes from
office)
GUARD
Okay, Mr. Hayden, we've processed your information and you're on a student
Visa, is that correct?
NEILL
Yep
GUARD
Okay, we'll need to get an immigration official here in the morning, so sit
tight.
NEILL
Thanks Officer. You're a good bloke for a Prison Guard.
GUARD
Well, this isn't my true calling. I was meant to be a great actor. This just
keeps the cash coming in.
NEILL
Good onya
GUARD
Thank you. I will bid you adieu.
(Guard leaves)
NEILL
3 hours till redemption.
MAN
What you talkin' about huh?
NEILL
Nothing mate, nothing.
MAN
Doesn't sound like nothing!
NEILL
Man, you are drunk. I'm 6 foot 5 and you want to tangle with me?
(Guard returns)
GUARD
Mr. Hayden, you have a visitor.
NEILL
A visitor?
(Jane comes into view)
NEILL
You just don't know what's good for you, don't ya?
JANE
I never did.
Scene IV (INT,
Night, Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Daria picks up phone
and dials)
QUINN
Stacy, I'd love to talk about your braids, but do you know what time it is?
DARIA
It's me
QUINN
Daria? Do you know what time it is?
DARIA
No, I lost my watch in a freak animal mauling. It's an emergency. I need to
speak to Mom.
QUINN
You kiss Jane's boyfriend again?
DARIA
No. I didn't kiss Jane's boyfriend again. It's Neill.
QUINN
Huh?
DARIA
Just go and get Mom
(A short time later)
HELEN
A meeting of the future partners Eric?
DARIA
Yes, we want to test your commitment by seeing if you'd come into work at ungodly
hours. And how exactly do you feel about worshipping Satan?
HELEN
Daria? What's this about?
DARIA
I need some legal advice...
HELEN
Oh My God! Daria, what did they catch you with!?
JAKE
I knew she was on drugs!
DARIA
It's not me! It's Neill, he's in jail.
HELEN
Neill? Why is he in jail?
DARIA
He beat up some guy in a bar
HELEN
Doesn't sound that serious...
DARIA
He's on a student visa
HELEN
Oh...so he'll be deported...
DARIA
Yeah. So do you know how we could get him off the charges?
HELEN
Well, the
DARIA
So...is there any way we can get him off?
HELEN
The only way is to get the defendant to drop the charges on behalf of the state
department.
DARIA
Thanks...I thought you didn't do criminal law...
HELEN
I don't. But a....client of ours had the same sort of problem a while back
DARIA
Is that why you automatically assumed I was on
narcotics?
HELEN
I'm not allowed to comment, but you do sound happier.
DARIA
What?
HELEN
There's something about your voice...I can't pinpoint it....but you're happier
somehow.
DARIA
Well, I am seeing somebody...
(Daria covers mouth)
HELEN
You just made a fatal mistake darling daughter
Scene V (INT,
Night, Jail)
JANE
Why did you do it Neill?
NEILL
Because I had to
JANE
Okay, now give me answer that I can understand
NEILL
I don't think you could ever understand why I did it
JANE
Give me a try...
NEILL
Listen, I know you're into me.
JANE
Really? How did you spot that Sherlock?
NEILL
You can't be with me
JANE
Why not?
NEILL
Because I'd sleep with the first Cheerleader I saw
JANE
I don't believe you
NEILL
Do. That's how screwed up I am. I could have Angelina Jolie in my bed and still
be looking around.
JANE
Well, I'm quite clearly hotter than she is.
NEILL
Don't joke about this, my mind is made up.
JANE
So you thought you'd try and deport yourself because you're afraid of hurting
me?
NEILL
Basically
JANE
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I went to Lawndale High.
NEILL
Nobody said I was sane
JANE
Are you really afraid of hurting me?
NEILL
No, I'm afraid of you hurting me.
JANE
Huh?
NEILL
Listen, I think you're great. But I just can't shake the feeling that you'd end
up hurting me.
JANE
Why?
NEILL
Because you know nothing about me
JANE
I thought we had a connection
NEILL
We do. But there's still stuff you don't know about.
JANE
Please. I know about
(Neill chuckles)
NEILL
Nope. I'm completely superficial. You don't want to go out with me.
JANE
I don't believe that. I believe there is a strangeness about you Neill Hayden.
It's not like I can diagnose it or anything, but under the exterior, there is
something troubling you.
NEILL
Listen to me. You do not want to go out with me. You want to go out with
somebody that will give the world to you. The most I could give you is a good
time under the sheets...allegedly. I am not good enough for you
JANE
The final straw?
NEILL
I don't want to talk about it.
JANE
You don't just blow off
Scene VI (INT,
Night, Neill and Daria's dorm)
DARIA
No, we are not sleeping together
HELEN
Oh thank God! I mean, if that's your decision.
DARIA
He's just a nice guy who adores me
HELEN
Adores you?
DARIA
Yeah, as odd as that sounds.
HELEN
Daria, no men adore you for the sake of adoring you...
DARIA
Well thanks for the self-esteem hit
HELEN
I didn't mean it like that, I mean men only whisper sweet nothings if they want
something
DARIA
What do you mean?
HELEN
That once upon a time, it was all 'you are the sun and
the moon to me' and after I uhh...fell for the person, it was all 'are you making
breakfast?'
DARIA
Are you saying that Patrick is trying to butter me up?
HELEN
Well, from what you've described, I don't think any guy could keep that up for
so long...how long have you been going out?
DARIA
About 2 months
HELEN
And you didn't tell me!
DARIA
Mom, right now, this isn't about you. The Enron case, maybe.
HELEN
Sorry...and you say that he's still quick with the lines?
DARIA
Are you saying that he's not being legitimate with me?
HELEN
Not at all. He could be one of those rare men who actually mean what they say.
All I'm saying is be careful. Tell me, what do you know about him?
DARIA
Not that much
HELEN
Well, get to know him before you commit yourself to him...okay honey? I don't
want to see my little girl getting hurt.
DARIA
I'm in college now
HELEN
When you're forty and starting to worry about those ever increasing crow's
feet, and I'm in my old age, starting to worry about what I'll have for
breakfast, you'll still be my little girl. A very cynical and smart little
girl, but our little girl all the same.
DARIA
Don't make me hang up
HELEN
I'm sorry. I'll try and be unemotional and calculated in my conversations with
you.
DARIA
Well, you do it at work, why can't you do it when you talk to me?
(Helen chuckles)
HELEN
You know, I don't really care whether or not this guy's legitimate or not, I
like this side of you...
DARIA
What?
HELEN
You're talking to me about a guy in your life
DARIA
Yeah...well...bye
HELEN
Wait! We can talk about anything you like!
(Daria hangs up)
Scene VII (INT,
Early morning, Jail)
JANE
So you think you can get rid of me that easily?
NEILL
I'm not trying to...as such. Listen, we wouldn't work out. We're just not right
for each other.
JANE
What do you mean?
NEILL
I'm a jock, and you're an artsy type
JANE
No, you're an artist with confusion as to his medium, that's all.
NEILL
I'm not an artist
JANE
If you're not an artist, why did I talk to you for more than 5 minutes?
NEILL
How the hell am I supposed to know?
JANE
If you were just another jock, I wouldn't be standing here right now.
NEILL
And I guess you have some sort of delusions about trying to turn me away from
the dark side, and into the light, eh?
JANE
No. I like you just the way you are.
NEILL
Well, I'll be gone in two hours, so you can remember me any damn way you want.
JANE
I still don't know why you beat some guy up. I mean,
if all you wanted to do is get deported, you would have found a better way to
do it. You have more imagination than that.
NEILL
No. I don't
JANE
Yes. You do.
NEILL
You want to know why I beat that guy up? Ask Charlie.
JANE
What's Charlie got to do with this?
NEILL
He was the guy I beat up.
JANE
Why?
NEILL
Because he was cheating on you
JANE
That bastard was cheating on me! That guy has some nerve.
NEILL
I guess I saw what I could become if I were with you, and I turned away from
it.
JANE
So you were just trying to protect me?
NEILL
Yeah
JANE
That's no reason to get yourself deported!
NEILL
We, would never work. As long as you and I were both around, we would both be
wondering if we could work. We'd sleep together occasionally, and maybe one day
we would get together, and then you'd discover you knew nothing about me.
JANE
I know more than you think I do.
NEILL
You know my mother died while giving birth to me, huh, did you Jane Lane, the
one who knows everything about me, the one who is always in control, did you
now that Jane Lane? Huh? Did you!?
JANE
No. I didn't.
NEILL
See! You know nothing about me! Get over me! It is better this way! I go back
to my world, you back to yours! Nobody gets hurt! Don't you get it!? Let me
save you!
JANE
I don't want to be saved
Scene VIII (INT,
Early morning, Patrick and Steve's dorm)
(Daria knocks on door)
(Steve answers)
STEVE
Hey...it's...weird chick. You here for Patrick?
DARIA
Yes, tell him that weird chick is here
(Steve goes back into
dorm room, and Patrick comes to door)
PATRICK
Have I woken up?
DARIA
What?
PATRICK
Because I swear right now, I must be having a dream, because Aphrodite herself
has come to my dorm room.
DARIA
Cut the crap
PATRICK
What?
DARIA
Sorry. Can we go somewhere to talk?
PATRICK
We can stay here. Steven sleeps like a log
(Daria enters)
PATRICK
Seriously, it's like boarding with a brick wall.
(Patrick pinches Steve)
(No response from Steve)
PATRICK
See
DARIA
How did he hear the door?
PATRICK
One of those great mysteries of life. Now, you wanted to talk at...
DARIA
I just had the sudden realization that I know nothing about you, and if we ever
want to move to the next level in our relationship, we have to get over this
hurdle.
PATRICK
There's nothing really special to talk about.
DARIA
That's what I'm talking about! Can't you at least tell me a little bit about
yourself?
PATRICK
I don't tell you most stuff because it's really not that interesting. In fact,
I'm not that interesting, and I guess I'm just scared if that you figured that
out, you'd dump my ass so damn quick it would make me into a pancake. Because
you are so interesting, I figured you'd want somebody that was going to
challenge and excite you, and there's nothing all that interesting or
challenging about my life, in fact, ask people from my past, and they'd
remember me as 'that guy'.
DARIA
Oh
PATRICK
I guess I was just afraid that you'd find me boring and one-dimensional. I'm
not covering up anything, I'm really just that boring.
DARIA
I guess I was afraid that you weren't being genuine with me
PATRICK
Oh...when I say I respect and worship you, it's generally true. Now (Patrick
grabs Daria's hips) this new level you were talking about...
(Daria blushes)
DARIA
I'm not ready...for a physical relationship...
PATRICK
Oh, I know (starts to kiss Daria's stomach)
DARIA
Then....
PATRICK
I have no intention of making you do anything you don't want to. It's just fun
to watch you blush.
(Daria checks watch)
DARIA
Neill!
(Daria storms out)
(Patrick sighs, picks up
pen and starts to draw on Steven)
PATRICK
At least this will cheer me up
Scene IX (INT,
Early morning, Jail)
NEILL
You really want us to work, don't you?
JANE
Yeah. I do.
NEILL
I take it you're a sucker for punishment?
JANE
Neill. It's not like I want to marry you. I just want to go out with you, see
where things lead.
NEILL
And you're okay with the fact that it will end in misery and despair for you?
JANE
I'm not pretending it's going to be sunshine and puppy dogs between us, but we
do have a connection, and the curious side of me wants to see where that leads.
NEILL
Listen, if I could commit to anybody, it would be you, but I just don't think
I'm relationship material
JANE
We could take it slow
NEILL
What would I do anyhow?
JANE
Well, you've been paying for everything when we've gone out right?
NEILL
Yep
JANE
And we've spent a lot of time together, sharing in each other's interests...
NEILL
Sure
JANE
The way I see it, we're already in a relationship, all that's missing is the
hand holding and the occasional sex if you've been a good boy.
(Neill chuckles)
JANE
What?
NEILL
I'm just thinking about the underlying irony of this whole thing...
JANE
What
NEILL
When we first met, you were the inexperienced one, now I am.
(Neill takes a deep
breath)
Jane Lane
JANE
Yeah, but you couldn't come up with a better line than that?
NEILL
Hey, I'm new at this
(Guard and Daria enter)
NEILL
G'day short stuff
DARIA
I think we can get you released, but it involves getting the signature of the
defendant.
(Neill bursts out
laughing)
DARIA
What?
JANE
He's just noticing the underlying irony of the whole thing.
Scene X (INT,
Early morning, Charlie's dorm)
(Jane knocks on door)
(Charlie answers wearing
robe)
CHARLIE
Oh, what's up Jane?
(Charlie yawns)
JANE
What happened to your face?
CHARLIE
An accident involving some lighting equipment.
JANE
Wow, you're a really good liar, aren't you?
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
JANE
Charlie, I know about the fight.
CHARLIE
Oh
JANE
Yeah, I also know about the floozy you were hanging around with
CHARLIE
Oh
JANE
Yeah, so, I'm going to need you to sign this release form, or if you like, you
can feel the wrath of a woman scorned. And that Neil, I know he has a good
right hook, but let me put this in terms that a film student will recognize
"You ain't heard nothin' yet"
(Charlie gulps and signs
paper)
JANE
There's a good lad
(Jane leaves)
(Charlie starts to close
door when Jane reappears)
JANE
Oh, and Charlie?
CHARLIE
Yes?
JANE
Goodbye
(Jane leaves)
Scene XI (INT,
Morning, Jail)
GUARD
Okay, these all check out, you're free to go.
(Guard opens doors)
DARIA
You're not that stringent of a guard, are you?
GUARD
As I said, not my true calling.
(Guard departs, stage
left)
(Jane and Neill share a
hug)
NEILL
Daria, there's something we've got to tell you.
(Jane and Neill hold
hands)
DARIA
I've now lost all respect for you
JANE
We're going to be seeing each other for a while. Do you....approve?
DARIA
Why do you even care what I think?
NEILL
Because, you're sane, we're not.
DARIA
Oh. Well, what the hell. I know Neill has his problems, but he's a cool guy.
(Neill chuckles)
JANE
Okay, what irony is there is this situation?
NEILL
None, it's a chuckle of happiness
JANE
A chuckle of happiness?
NEILL
Yeah. I've got the two most important people in my life right now in this room
DARIA
What?
NEILL
You showed me that change was possible. Jane gave me the reason to achieve that
change.
(Neill kisses Jane)
NEILL
Now, if we could get Boonie in the room, we could have a golden trifecta.
END
-Will the floundering
relationship sink or swim? Is Patrick really that uninteresting? Is it smooth
sailing for Christie and Sandi? Will minor characters ever get a say? Is there
indeed no aphrodisiac like loneliness? All these questions and more, answered
in the exciting concluding episodes of season 2-
(Authors Notes)
**Did you ever doubt it would end this way? C'mon, I'm RK, give it up! Forgive
my hackneyed melodramatics. Anyhow, the rest of season 2 will be dedicated to
some long neglected minor characters (but still with a focus on Daria and
Jane), setting up some storylines for season 3, and one MAJOR event to happen
in season 3. If you thought Jane and Neill getting together was a saga, you
ain't seen nothin' yet!**
*Questions? Comments? Boonie? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*