THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 21
TWO
GUYS, TWO GIRLS AND
(Daria and Jane go on their
respective dates, while Christie and Neill reprise their roles as parental
figures)
Scene I (INT, Night, Neill
and Daria's Dorm)
DARIA
Well, while you're here, you
might as well meet my parents...
PATRICK+
Your parents?
DARIA
Well I say parents....
(Daria opens door)
CHRISTIE
You better have a good excuse
why you're late young lady!
NEILL
Look at what you've done to
your mother!
DARIA
They think they are....
(Patrick looks around)
PATRICK
It's like the lost city of
DARIA
Excuse me?
PATRICK
People say it exists, but you
never really believe....the...International Dorms....
NEILL
Pretty flash eh? How's it going
mate, Neill, Daria's roomate
PATRICK
You room with Neill Hayden?
DARIA
Well, we sleep in the same
dorm...that's about it....
CHRISTIE
Tell me young man, what are
your prospects?
PATRICK
You must be mother
Morgandorffer....
CHRISTIE
Otherwise known as Christie...
DARIA
I'm going to go and get my
jacket, make yourself at home....
(Daria leaves)
NEILL
So....Patrick is it?
PATRICK
Yes sir
CHRISTIE
What intentions do you have
for our Daria?
PATRICK
Excuse me?
NEILL
Do you have protection?
PATRICK
Uhhhhhh.... (Blushing)
CHRISTIE
He's not very well spoken is
he darling?
NEILL
Not at all, but there is one
saving grace though....
CHRISTIE
What's that?
NEILL
With his and Daria's
respective blushing prowess, they'll make the perfect couple...
CHRISTIE
You're right...
(Daria comes back)
DARIA
I hope they didn't scar you
too severely...
PATRICK
Just for life
DARIA
Oh, Good to hear...
NEILL
Now you two kids be back home
by 11 OK?
CHRISTIE
Neill....
NEILL
Okay,
(Patrick and Daria leave)
CHRISTIE
Oh Neill, there goes our
little girl (Chokes up)
NEILL
She's growing up... (Supports
Christie)
Scene II (INT, Night,
Lucy and Jane's Dorm)
(Jane and Lucy practicing
their respective arts)
(There is a knock at the door)
JANE
I'll get it
(Jane opens the door, to find
Charlie)
JANE
It's about time you showed up
CHARLIE~
Well, I had to get past the
guards and such....
JANE
You got lost? Didn't you?
CHARLIE
Not so much lost as
temporarily without bearings...
JANE
So, what you got planned
tonight?
CHARLIE
Thought we'd go catch In the
Mood for Love down at the campus, and then...let's just see where the night takes
us...
JANE
I like your style, I should
probably introduce you to Lucy...
CHARLIE
The one playing the violin?
JANE
The very same. Lucy!
LUCY
Yes'm?
JANE
Come and meet Charlie....
LUCY
Ahh...if it isn't Charlie Brown...
CHARLIE
The last names McCann,
Lucy...nice to meet you
LUCY
Likewise...now if you excuse me,
I have to get this composition down by tomorrow, so I'll say goodnight.
(Lucy goes back into dorm)
CHARLIE
You got everything?
JANE
Let's see, clothing, me,
yep...won't need my wallet
(Looks at Charlie)
CHARLIE
Luckily for you, I'm an old
fashioned kind of guy...
JANE
Who happens to like Hong-Kong
directors...
CHARLIE
Hey, you've got to have a
hobby...It used to be stamp collecting, then I realised the pursuit was
pointless...
JANE
And what made you realise that
pray tell?
CHARLIE
It's stamp collecting...
JANE
Good point...shall we go instead
of standing here all night?
CHARLIE
Now, here I am presented with
two options, do I go with the cheesy line, or do I just move on?
JANE
Well, you know I just have to
hear the cheesy line now!
CHARLIE
Fine. I could stand here all
night just looking into your eyes.
JANE
Wow, cheesy.
CHARLIE
Do I get a brownie point?
JANE
Let's just say you get half a
brownie point.
CHARLIE
Hot Diggity Damn! That's good
enough for me!
(Charlie offers his arm, and
Jane gladly takes)
Scene III (EXT, Night,
Outside Movie theatre)
DARIA
So, what are we seeing again?
PATRICK
I don't really mind, it's up
to you...
DARIA
Hmm...how about 'that Chick
Movie that Makes Boys Cry For all the Wrong Reasons'...
PATRICK
We could, but then you'd have to
put up with me crying the whole way through, and do you really want that?
DARIA
No, guess not. How about
'Space Heathens 9'
PATRICK
You're my kinda gal!
DARIA
Because senseless violence is
just the tonic we need to escape from a world of senseless violence...
(Patrick chuckles)
PATRICK
You know, I'm already glad I
asked you out.
DARIA
Well (Blushing)...thanks...
PATRICK
And to think that I almost
didn't ask you out...
DARIA
What?
PATRICK
Well, you're always hanging around
in that little clique....its intimidating....
DARIA
Clique?
PATRICK
Yeah, you know, You, Neill
Hayden, Coffee House girl,
DARIA
(Looking mortified) Excuse me?
PATRICK
Did I do wrong?
DARIA
You called me cool
PATRICK
And?
DARIA
I'm not cool.
PATRICK
Okay then...whatever you want...
DARIA
I'm not
PATRICK
Uh-huh
DARIA
I'm not joking...
PATRICK
Then you have low self esteem,
and that's something that we shall have to remedy...
DARIA
I don't have low-self esteem
PATRICK
I...uh....know you don't....
DARIA
I'm making feel awkward aren't
I?
PATRICK
Like a man in the Women's
League of Voters
DARIA
I'm sorry....
PATRICK
Don't apologise. You're way
too cool for that (smiling)
DARIA
Well, somebody just offered to
pay for the popcorn
PATRICK
I'll be glad too. Was going to
anyhow.
DARIA
Is it too late to change my
demands?
PATRICK
Sorry, you wanted popcorn,
you're stuck with it.
DARIA
Damn. So, how come I never saw
you around before?
PATRICK
Probably because I was hiding
from you...
DARIA
Excuse me?
PATRICK
I was afraid that if you even
so much as looked at me, I'd melt, and lose all bodily functions, and that
would just be awkward.
DARIA
Okay, you've redeemed yourself
PATRICK
Does this mean I don't have to
buy popcorn?
DARIA
I believe you already know the
answer to that question...
PATRICK
I'm buying popcorn and soda aren't I?
Scene IV (EXT, Night,
JANE
Wow, quite a crowd building up
CHARLIE
Yeah, everybody loves Wong Kar-wai.
(Group of guys comes up)
GUY #1
Hey Charlie Brown, what's going down?
CHARLIE
Not much my man, I'd like you all to meet
JANE
Um....Hi.
CHARLIE
She's BFAC Fine Arts
GUY #2
Goddamn!
GUY #3
Whoa!
CHARLIE
Yeah, you actually have to
have talent to get into that place, unlike us hacks.
(Group chuckles)
JANE
Talent and the ability to stay
up for 10 hours straight typing assignments...
GUY #2
You've got guts, I'll give you
that...
JANE
Not so much guts as really
strong coffee...
CHARLIE
See, I told you guys she was a riot.
GUY #1
Well, I guess we'll leave you
two alone then.
CHARLIE
Cool, did we get that release?
GUY #2
Yep, shooting begins tomorrow.
GUY #3
Nice to meet you
JANE
Likewise
(Group leaves)
JANE
Friends?
CHARLIE
And assorted grips, but enough
about me. I'd like to know more about you.
JANE
There's not that much to tell.
CHARLIE
Well at least tell me what
type of fizzy drink you want
JANE
Fizzy drink?
CHARLIE
Sorry. I forgot to stop
speaking English and start speaking American....
JANE
You're not from around here?
CHARLIE
Came over from the U.K when I
was 3 with my parents...
JANE
So you still speak 'English'?
CHARLIE
Yes. And spell colour with a
'u' and the rest of it.
JANE
You have to meet Neill
CHARLIE
Who's Neill?
JANE
A...friend of mine. From
CHARLIE
Ahh...a convict...
Scene V (INT, night,
Lucy and Jane's Dorm)
(Neill wheels himself down the
hall)
(Neill, with some difficulty
knocks on the door)
LUCY
Can I help you?
NEILL
Is Jane around?
LUCY
Nope. Left with Charlie.
NEILL
Who's Charlie?
LUCY
Don't know all that much.
Jane's going out with him I think...hey...do I detect an accent?
NEILL
Au contraire luv, you're the
one with the accent. And haven't I met you before?
LUCY
Mmm...I'm sure she'll be
back soon, why don't you come in and make yourself
comfortable?
NEILL
I guess I could do that
(Neill wheels himself into
dorm)
NEILL
And you say that Jane will be
back soon?
LUCY
Yes...but enough talk about Jane,
why don't you tell me about yourself?
NEILL
There's not that much to tell.
LUCY
At least tell me about how you
got so muscular...
NEILL
That would be
LUCY
Mmm...well the fitness program
is doing wonders if I may say so myself...
NEILL
So...you say Jane is coming back
soon?
LUCY
Yes'm, but I...
NEILL
And she's on a date with a
bloke called Charlie...
LUCY
It's not important...
NEILL
So she's on a date with
Charlie...
LUCY
(Sighs) And Jane said you were
good as well...
NEILL
What?
LUCY
You know...
NEILL
Oh...are you coming onto me?
LUCY
I was trying to!
NEILL
Oh well, sorry about that...
LUCY
But you seem a bit
pre-occupied...
NEILL
Oh...the leg....yeah...I'm afraid
I'm not really up for it tonight luv
LUCY
Well I shouldn't think so...
NEILL
Hey, are those Jane's?
(referring to easel)
LUCY
Those? Sure, but come and
look at my violin...
NEILL
I knew she was good, but
damn....these are grouse...
(Lucy starts to play)
NEILL
Don't suppose you could keep
it down? I'm trying to appreciate art here luv...
Scene VI (INT, Night,
Sammy's Sushi)
DARIA
Well, that was as lame as I
expected...
PATRICK
Oh, I don't know...we did get to
see the destruction of 22 Million dollars for something completely mediocre,
you don't see that everyday. That's got to be worth something...
DARIA
Are you trying to impress me?
PATRICK
Maybe...
DARIA
Well stop it
PATRICK
Yes Ma'am.
DARIA
Do me a favour?
PATRICK
Yeah?
DARIA
Don't call me Darcy
PATRICK
Fear of Jane Austen?
DARIA
I guess you could say that.
So, burger?
PATRICK
How about Sushi?
DARIA
Raw Fish? I'll pass...
PATRICK
Not all sushi has raw fish in
it...besides; my brother owns the place...
DARIA
Way to sweep a girl off her
feet
PATRICK
Hey, what can I say? Besides,
we're already here...
(Daria looks up at sign that
says 'Sammy's Sushi')
DARIA
You had this planned didn't
you?
PATRICK
The first thing they teach you
in boy scouts, always be prepared. Didn't learn the second thing though, seeing
as I ran away from scout camp in horror.
(They go in)
(The restaurant looks
deserted)
DARIA
Well at least we won't have to
wait for a table...
PATRICK
Wait until the screenings
finished. (To man behind counter) Hey
Sam.
SAM
What's my little brother doing
here? And who is his lovely friend?
PATRICK
His friend is Daria. Patrick
likes to talk about himself in the third person for some unknown reason.
DARIA
Uhh....Hi
PATRICK
Patrick has the great honour
of taking Daria out tonight
DARIA
Okay, that's getting annoying
now...
PATRICK
Sorry...
SAM
I'll set you guys up with some
sushi, and are you kids drinking?
PATRICK
Thanks, and no, I've got class
tomorrow, and I don't need a Sake hangover.
SAM
Okay, it'll be a couple of
minutes, I'm in the middle of preparing for the rush.
(Patrick and Daria sit down)
DARIA
The rush?
PATRICK
Film students come here
because it's cheap...
DARIA
Ahh...so I presume I'll be
having my stomach pumped?
PATRICK
No, then they wouldn't come
back. It wouldn't be so bad if you had you're stomach pumped...
DARIA
How do you figure?
PATRICK
Then I'd get to spend more
time with you at the hospital...
DARIA
What makes you think I'd want
you in the room?
PATRICK
Somebody's got to tell the
paramedics exactly what you ate, and I figured you'd be in too much pain to say
anything...
DARIA
Good point
Scene VII (EXT, night,
Boulevard)
(A flock of people leave the
theatre)
CHARLIE
I just love the way that Wong Kar-wai doesn't have to show his characters in
the throes of a passionate love affair to show love...
JANE
I don't usually go for movies like that, but I've got
to admit, I really enjoyed that.
CHARLIE
I knew you would, for I sense a great artist's soul in
there...
JANE
I didn't steal any souls, if that's what you're
implying...
CHARLIE
You? Never.
JANE
So, where are we off to now?
CHARLIE
Sammy's Sushi place
JANE
Sushi sounds cool
(Charlie starts to chuckle)
JANE
What is it?
CHARLIE
I'm just being tickled by one of those juicy moments
that life sometimes throws up...
JANE
Huh?
CHARLIE
You see, right now, I could have told you that the
place is also renowned for being a cheap place to get sushi, but I didn't out
of fear of sounding like a complete twat.
JANE
Huh. So you're taking me to a cheap sushi place?
CHARLIE
And that's why I didn't tell you...
JANE
Don't worry, I have expectations lower than a midget
doing the limbo
CHARLIE
Oh thank God. You know
JANE
So have I (holding Charlie closer)
Scene VIII (INT, Night, Sammy's Sushi)
PATRICK
And that's how I made it through High School
relatively unscathed
DARIA
That's where I went wrong. I should've just stuck to
the shadows like you, but I always had to voice my opinion. Damn ethical
self-righteousness...
PATRICK
But if you didn't voice your opinions, you wouldn't be
the person you are today, and from where I'm sitting, that's a very bad thing.
DARIA
You have a line for everything, don't you?
PATRICK
Not so much lines, as the honest to god truth.
(Daria blushes)
PATRICK
Now, you have to try some raw
fish...
DARIA
No thank you...
PATRICK
Come on...
DARIA
That fish never did anything
to me...
PATRICK
Take a chance. It works.
Believe me, I know.
DARIA
I don't know...
PATRICK
How about we drown it in soy
sauce first?
(Patrick dips sushi in soy
sauce)
PATRICK
Now close your eyes...
(Daria closes her eyes)
(Patrick places sushi in
Daria's mouth)
PATRICK
See, that's not so bad, now is
it?
(Daria swallows)
DARIA
That's a matter of perspective
(Patrick chuckles)
DARIA
What?
PATRICK
You have some soy sauce on you
DARIA
Where...here? Here? Here?
(Patrick takes out napkin)
PATRICK
I've got it...
(Patrick wipes off soy sauce,
and his hand remains on Daria's face)
PATRICK
You know, you're even more beautiful
from up close...
(A pause)
SAM
Watch out! Here they come!
(A crowd enters)
CHARLIE
Now, we have to rush to get a
good table...
JANE
(Spies Daria) I think we can
get a good table...
(Jane and Charlie walk over to
Patrick and Daria)
JANE
Ola Amiga, the new beau?
DARIA
Patrick, Jane, Jane, Patrick
PATRICK
Hi. Any friend of Daria's is a
friend of mine...
CHARLIE
That means that you're the
infamous Daria...
DARIA
Infamous? Not yet at least...
PATRICK
Sit down would you? I'll get
my brother to send us some more stuff....
(They sit down)
CHARLIE
Jane, you know somebody who
knows somebody that knows Sammy the Sushi guy?
JANE
I'm going to go ahead and say
yes...mostly because I really couldn't follow that...
CHARLIE
Marry me...
JANE
We should at least see how the
rest of this date turns out, and I don't accept anything under 21 carats...
DARIA
Should I do the check?
JANE
Proceed...
DARIA
I count two. That means they
are two separate people...well...that's a relief...
(Charlie and Patrick look at
each other)
PATRICK
Okay...I'm going to go to the
bathroom, and then maybe somebody could explain that to me...
(Patrick leaves)
(Charlie looks at Jane)
JANE
It's a long story...
Scene IX (INT, Night,
Lucy and Jane's dorm hall)
(Jane and Charlie walking down
the hall)
JANE
Well, I've got to say, that
didn't suck as much as I thought it would...
CHARLIE
Wow, you sure know how to make
a guy go crazy with desire...
JANE
It's what I do...
CHARLIE
Well, I certainly enjoyed your
company...
JANE
And I don't have food
poisoning, so all in all, a pretty good night...
(They continue to walk)
CHARLIE
You know, I saw some of your
work in a gallery downtown...I thought it was amazing...
JANE
That don't bring in the
Benjamin's though...
CHARLIE
They're not selling? Maybe you
should go down there, for there may be a commission check waiting for you...
(They come to the door)
CHARLIE
So, can I see you again?
JANE
Can't hurt...
CHARLIE
Cool. I guess....I'll call....
(Charlie turns around)
JANE
Aren't you even going to kiss
me goodnight?
CHARLIE
I thought you'd never ask...
(They kiss)
CHARLIE
See you around
JANE
And you too Charlie McCann...
(Charlie leaves)
(Jane enters dorm)
LUCY
So, how did it go?
JANE
Pretty good...
LUCY
Cool. Neill came by earlier
tonight looking for you...
JANE
Neill?
LUCY
Guess he didn't know you were
going out tonight...wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know much about anything...
JANE
Huh?
LUCY
I tried to put the moves on
him, but he wasn't interested, and, come on, who would pass this tasty dish up?
JANE
Well....he can't really do
much....his leg...
LUCY
It wasn't just that. Methinks
think he was distracted by something...
JANE
Distracted?
LUCY
Yeah...by the way, he says your painting
is 'grouse', whatever the hell that means...
JANE
Well that's nice of him....
LUCY
So, you ready for bed? Because
I'm really tired...
JANE
I think I'm going to stay up
and paint for a while...turn out the main light and I'll use the lamp...
(Lucy turns out light and
climbs bunk0
(Jane stares at the painting)
Scene X (INT, Night,
Neill and Daria's Dorm hall)
(Patrick and Daria are walking
down the hall)
PATRICK
I really hope you had a good
time tonight...
DARIA
For the last time, stop
worrying, I had a good time
PATRICK
I really enjoyed your sense of
humour...
DARIA
What? This old thing? I picked
it up at the procrastination centre...tomorrow
(Patrick chuckles)
DARIA
You know, you're not such a
bad guy....
PATRICK
Did you ever doubt it?
DARIA
A little smug perhaps...
PATRICK
Damn...
DARIA
But the cheap sushi makes up
for it...
(They stop at the door)
(Patrick chuckles)
DARIA
What?
PATRICK
I find myself asking the
eternal question...
DARIA
Eternal question?
PATRICK
What do I do here? Do I wait for
the kiss? Do I go in for the kiss? You see, I think I had a really good time,
and I'm pretty sure my date had a good time too. So what to do?
(A pause)
FROM INSIDE
Neill- Well do something mate!
Christie- Shh! They'll hear
us!
PATRICK
And now I have an audience
DARIA
Let me make it easy for you
(Daria gives Patrick a kiss)
PATRICK
So, I presume I'll see you
again?
DARIA
You're a nice guy, not a
complete imbecile, and you have access to cheap sushi. You pass my standards...
PATRICK
Well, I guess I'll see you
around then...
DARIA
Yeah...
(Daria turns toward door, as
Patrick skips away)
(Daria, looks back
suspiciously, and Patrick stops skipping)
(Daria smiles)
(Daria opens the door with
force)
(Christie and Neill are clutching
their nose and leg respectively)
NEILL
Argghh! My leg!
CHRISTIE
What's the big idea?
NEILL
Spy on someone and all of a
sudden they get pissed off with you...these are hostile times we live in...
CHRISTIE
So, I take it the date went
well?
DARIA
Surprisingly...
NEILL
See what happens when you take
a crack on somebody?
DARIA
Yes Dad
NEILL
Maybe one day you'll crack onto somebody, now that will be a sight
to behold...
CHRISTIE
So our little girl is out in
the big, bad world of dating huh?
NEILL
Its okay honey, let it out...
(Christie starts to tear up)
DARIA
I'm going to go now....lest I be
forced to silence you forever
(Daria walks into kitchen)
(Daria looks at answering
machine, to see one message)
(Daria presses button)
MACHINE
Hi, it's Patrick here...I'm
calling from the bathroom of Sam's
place...now, I'm pretty sure you're having a good time, but if you're not,
I just wanted to call and say sorry, and to thank you for letting me even speak
to you. I have the feeling like I'll never forget this...anyhow...I'm probably
sounding like some deranged asylum escapee right now...so I'll end this message
now....thanks...
END OF MESSAGES
(Daria can't help but smile)
END
-What will become of
the new boys in Jane and Daria's life? Will Lucy make any progress with Neill?
Will Sandi be able to take time off work? Will
(Authors Notes)
**That's number 21 done. Watch
for some crucial developments in coming episodes, as I work my way toward
another 2-part episode (Like 'Passing Rugby Style'). Things will get heated
between two characters, and we will learn why I introduced Patrick and
Charlie**
*Questions? Comments?
What's that sonny? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*
(Character Notes)
+ Patrick is about 6
foot even, with short, chestnut brown hair, dark blue eyes, wearing cargo
pants, sneakers and a thin jacket
~Charlie is about 6'2", with
short and spiky brown hair with blond tips, grey eyes, wearing jeans, a bomber
jacket and a black T-Shirt
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