THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE (SERIES TWO): A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 21

TWO GUYS, TWO GIRLS AND A SUSHI PLACE

(Daria and Jane go on their respective dates, while Christie and Neill reprise their roles as parental figures)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Night, Neill and Daria's Dorm)

 

DARIA

Well, while you're here, you might as well meet my parents...

 

PATRICK+

Your parents?

 

DARIA

Well I say parents....

 

(Daria opens door)

 

CHRISTIE

You better have a good excuse why you're late young lady!

 

NEILL

Look at what you've done to your mother!

 

DARIA

They think they are....

 

(Patrick looks around)

 

PATRICK

It's like the lost city of Atlantis....

 

DARIA

Excuse me?

 

PATRICK

People say it exists, but you never really believe....the...International Dorms....

 

NEILL

Pretty flash eh? How's it going mate, Neill, Daria's roomate

 

PATRICK

You room with Neill Hayden?

 

DARIA

Well, we sleep in the same dorm...that's about it....

 

CHRISTIE

Tell me young man, what are your prospects?

 

PATRICK

You must be mother Morgandorffer....

 

CHRISTIE

Otherwise known as Christie...

 

DARIA

I'm going to go and get my jacket, make yourself at home....

 

(Daria leaves)

 

NEILL

So....Patrick is it?

 

PATRICK

Yes sir

 

CHRISTIE

What intentions do you have for our Daria?

 

PATRICK

Excuse me?

 

NEILL

Do you have protection?

 

PATRICK

Uhhhhhh.... (Blushing)

 

CHRISTIE

He's not very well spoken is he darling?

 

NEILL

Not at all, but there is one saving grace though....

 

CHRISTIE

What's that?

 

NEILL

With his and Daria's respective blushing prowess, they'll make the perfect couple...

 

CHRISTIE

You're right...

 

(Daria comes back)

 

DARIA

I hope they didn't scar you too severely...

 

PATRICK

Just for life

 

DARIA

Oh, Good to hear...

 

NEILL

Now you two kids be back home by 11 OK?

 

CHRISTIE

Neill....

 

NEILL

Okay, 11:30...

 

(Patrick and Daria leave)

 

CHRISTIE

Oh Neill, there goes our little girl (Chokes up)

 

NEILL

She's growing up... (Supports Christie)

 

Scene II (INT, Night, Lucy and Jane's Dorm)

 

(Jane and Lucy practicing their respective arts)

 

(There is a knock at the door)

 

JANE

I'll get it

 

(Jane opens the door, to find Charlie)

 

JANE

It's about time you showed up

 

CHARLIE~

Well, I had to get past the guards and such....

 

JANE

You got lost? Didn't you?

 

CHARLIE

Not so much lost as temporarily without bearings...

 

JANE

So, what you got planned tonight?

 

CHARLIE

Thought we'd go catch In the Mood for Love down at the campus, and then...let's just see where the night takes us...

 

JANE

I like your style, I should probably introduce you to Lucy...

 

CHARLIE

The one playing the violin?

 

JANE

The very same. Lucy!

 

LUCY

Yes'm?

 

JANE

Come and meet Charlie....

 

LUCY

Ahh...if it isn't Charlie Brown...

 

CHARLIE

The last names McCann, Lucy...nice to meet you

 

LUCY

Likewise...now if you excuse me, I have to get this composition down by tomorrow, so I'll say goodnight.

 

(Lucy goes back into dorm)

 

CHARLIE

You got everything?

 

JANE

Let's see, clothing, me, yep...won't need my wallet

 

(Looks at Charlie)

 

CHARLIE

Luckily for you, I'm an old fashioned kind of guy...

 

JANE

Who happens to like Hong-Kong directors...

 

CHARLIE

Hey, you've got to have a hobby...It used to be stamp collecting, then I realised the pursuit was pointless...

 

JANE

And what made you realise that pray tell?

 

CHARLIE

It's stamp collecting...

 

JANE

Good point...shall we go instead of standing here all night?

 

CHARLIE

Now, here I am presented with two options, do I go with the cheesy line, or do I just move on?

 

JANE

Well, you know I just have to hear the cheesy line now!

 

CHARLIE

Fine. I could stand here all night just looking into your eyes.

 

JANE

Wow, cheesy.

 

CHARLIE

Do I get a brownie point?

 

JANE

Let's just say you get half a brownie point.

 

CHARLIE

Hot Diggity Damn! That's good enough for me!

 

(Charlie offers his arm, and Jane gladly takes)

 

Scene III (EXT, Night, Outside Movie theatre)

 

DARIA

So, what are we seeing again?

 

PATRICK

I don't really mind, it's up to you...

 

DARIA

Hmm...how about 'that Chick Movie that Makes Boys Cry For all the Wrong Reasons'...

 

PATRICK

We could, but then you'd have to put up with me crying the whole way through, and do you really want that?

 

DARIA

No, guess not. How about 'Space Heathens 9'

 

PATRICK

You're my kinda gal!

 

DARIA

Because senseless violence is just the tonic we need to escape from a world of senseless violence...

 

(Patrick chuckles)

 

PATRICK

You know, I'm already glad I asked you out.

 

DARIA

Well (Blushing)...thanks...

 

PATRICK

And to think that I almost didn't ask you out...

 

DARIA

What?

 

PATRICK

Well, you're always hanging around in that little clique....its intimidating....

 

DARIA

Clique?

 

PATRICK

Yeah, you know, You, Neill Hayden, Coffee House girl, Preston, Brad Lee....you know, the cool clique

 

DARIA

(Looking mortified) Excuse me?

 

PATRICK

Did I do wrong?

 

DARIA

You called me cool

 

PATRICK

And?

 

DARIA

I'm not cool.

 

PATRICK

Okay then...whatever you want...

 

DARIA

I'm not

 

PATRICK

Uh-huh

 

DARIA

I'm not joking...

 

PATRICK

Then you have low self esteem, and that's something that we shall have to remedy...

 

DARIA

I don't have low-self esteem

 

PATRICK

I...uh....know you don't....

 

DARIA

I'm making feel awkward aren't I?

 

PATRICK

Like a man in the Women's League of Voters

 

DARIA

I'm sorry....

 

PATRICK

Don't apologise. You're way too cool for that (smiling)

 

DARIA

Well, somebody just offered to pay for the popcorn

 

PATRICK

I'll be glad too. Was going to anyhow.

 

DARIA

Is it too late to change my demands?

 

PATRICK

Sorry, you wanted popcorn, you're stuck with it.

 

DARIA

Damn. So, how come I never saw you around before?

 

PATRICK

Probably because I was hiding from you...

 

DARIA

Excuse me?

 

PATRICK

I was afraid that if you even so much as looked at me, I'd melt, and lose all bodily functions, and that would just be awkward.

 

DARIA

Okay, you've redeemed yourself

 

PATRICK

Does this mean I don't have to buy popcorn?

 

DARIA

I believe you already know the answer to that question...

 

PATRICK

I'm buying popcorn and soda aren't I?

 

Scene IV (EXT, Night, Outside Raft Film School screening room)

 

JANE

Wow, quite a crowd building up

 

CHARLIE

Yeah, everybody loves Wong Kar-wai.

 

(Group of guys comes up)

 

GUY #1

Hey Charlie Brown, what's going down?

 

CHARLIE

Not much my man, I'd like you all to meet Jane Lane.

 

JANE

Um....Hi.

 

CHARLIE

She's BFAC Fine Arts

 

GUY #2

Goddamn!

 

GUY #3

Whoa!

 

CHARLIE

Yeah, you actually have to have talent to get into that place, unlike us hacks.

 

(Group chuckles)

 

JANE

Talent and the ability to stay up for 10 hours straight typing assignments...

 

GUY #2

You've got guts, I'll give you that...

 

JANE

Not so much guts as really strong coffee...

 

CHARLIE

 See, I told you guys she was a riot.

 

GUY #1

Well, I guess we'll leave you two alone then.

 

CHARLIE

Cool, did we get that release?

 

GUY #2

Yep, shooting begins tomorrow.

 

GUY #3

Nice to meet you Jane Lane

 

JANE

Likewise

 

(Group leaves)

 

JANE

Friends?

 

CHARLIE

And assorted grips, but enough about me. I'd like to know more about you.

 

JANE

There's not that much to tell.

 

CHARLIE

Well at least tell me what type of fizzy drink you want

 

JANE

Fizzy drink?

 

CHARLIE

Sorry. I forgot to stop speaking English and start speaking American....

 

JANE

You're not from around here?

 

CHARLIE

Came over from the U.K when I was 3 with my parents...

 

JANE

So you still speak 'English'?

 

CHARLIE

Yes. And spell colour with a 'u' and the rest of it.

 

JANE

You have to meet Neill

 

CHARLIE

Who's Neill?

 

JANE

A...friend of mine. From Australia.

 

CHARLIE

Ahh...a convict...

 

Scene V (INT, night, Lucy and Jane's Dorm)

 

(Neill wheels himself down the hall)

 

(Neill, with some difficulty knocks on the door)

 

LUCY

Can I help you?

 

NEILL

Is Jane around?

 

LUCY

Nope. Left with Charlie.

 

NEILL

Who's Charlie?

 

LUCY

Don't know all that much. Jane's going out with him I think...hey...do I detect an accent?

 

NEILL

Au contraire luv, you're the one with the accent. And haven't I met you before?

 

LUCY

Mmm...I'm sure she'll be back soon, why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?

 

NEILL

I guess I could do that

 

(Neill wheels himself into dorm)

 

NEILL

And you say that Jane will be back soon?

 

LUCY

Yes...but enough talk about Jane, why don't you tell me about yourself?

 

NEILL

There's not that much to tell.

 

LUCY

At least tell me about how you got so muscular...

 

NEILL

That would be Rugby, Cricket and working out.

 

LUCY

Mmm...well the fitness program is doing wonders if I may say so myself...

 

NEILL

So...you say Jane is coming back soon?

 

LUCY

Yes'm, but I...

 

NEILL

And she's on a date with a bloke called Charlie...

 

LUCY

It's not important...

 

NEILL

So she's on a date with Charlie...

 

LUCY

(Sighs) And Jane said you were good as well...

 

NEILL

What?

 

LUCY

You know...

 

NEILL

Oh...are you coming onto me?

 

LUCY

I was trying to!

 

NEILL

Oh well, sorry about that...

 

LUCY

But you seem a bit pre-occupied...

 

NEILL

Oh...the leg....yeah...I'm afraid I'm not really up for it tonight luv

 

LUCY

Well I shouldn't think so...

 

NEILL

Hey, are those Jane's? (referring to easel)

 

LUCY

Those? Sure, but come and look at my violin...

 

NEILL

I knew she was good, but damn....these are grouse...

 

(Lucy starts to play)

 

NEILL

Don't suppose you could keep it down? I'm trying to appreciate art here luv...

 

Scene VI (INT, Night, Sammy's Sushi)

 

DARIA

Well, that was as lame as I expected...

 

PATRICK

Oh, I don't know...we did get to see the destruction of 22 Million dollars for something completely mediocre, you don't see that everyday. That's got to be worth something...

 

DARIA

Are you trying to impress me?

 

PATRICK

Maybe...

 

DARIA

Well stop it

 

PATRICK

Yes Ma'am.

 

DARIA

Do me a favour?

 

PATRICK

Yeah?

 

DARIA

Don't call me Darcy

 

PATRICK

Fear of Jane Austen?

 

DARIA

I guess you could say that. So, burger?

 

PATRICK

How about Sushi?

 

DARIA

Raw Fish? I'll pass...

 

PATRICK

Not all sushi has raw fish in it...besides; my brother owns the place...

 

DARIA

Way to sweep a girl off her feet

 

PATRICK

Hey, what can I say? Besides, we're already here...

 

(Daria looks up at sign that says 'Sammy's Sushi')

 

DARIA

You had this planned didn't you?

 

 PATRICK

The first thing they teach you in boy scouts, always be prepared. Didn't learn the second thing though, seeing as I ran away from scout camp in horror.

 

(They go in)

 

(The restaurant looks deserted)

 

DARIA

Well at least we won't have to wait for a table...

 

PATRICK

Wait until the screenings finished. (To man behind counter)  Hey Sam.

 

SAM

What's my little brother doing here? And who is his lovely friend?

 

PATRICK

His friend is Daria. Patrick likes to talk about himself in the third person for some unknown reason.

 

DARIA

Uhh....Hi

 

PATRICK

Patrick has the great honour of taking Daria out tonight

 

DARIA

Okay, that's getting annoying now...

 

PATRICK

Sorry...

 

SAM

I'll set you guys up with some sushi, and are you kids drinking?

 

PATRICK

Thanks, and no, I've got class tomorrow, and I don't need a Sake hangover.

 

SAM

Okay, it'll be a couple of minutes, I'm in the middle of preparing for the rush.

 

(Patrick and Daria sit down)

 

DARIA

The rush?

 

PATRICK

Film students come here because it's cheap...

 

DARIA

Ahh...so I presume I'll be having my stomach pumped?

 

PATRICK

No, then they wouldn't come back. It wouldn't be so bad if you had you're stomach pumped...

 

DARIA

How do you figure?

 

PATRICK

Then I'd get to spend more time with you at the hospital...

 

DARIA

What makes you think I'd want you in the room?

 

PATRICK

Somebody's got to tell the paramedics exactly what you ate, and I figured you'd be in too much pain to say anything...

 

DARIA

Good point

 

Scene VII (EXT, night, Boulevard)

 

(A flock of people leave the theatre)

 

CHARLIE

I just love the way that Wong Kar-wai doesn't have to show his characters in the throes of a passionate love affair to show love...

 

JANE

I don't usually go for movies like that, but I've got to admit, I really enjoyed that.

 

CHARLIE

I knew you would, for I sense a great artist's soul in there...

 

JANE

I didn't steal any souls, if that's what you're implying...

 

CHARLIE

You? Never. Hollywood maybe, but not you...

 

JANE

So, where are we off to now?

 

CHARLIE

Sammy's Sushi place

 

JANE

Sushi sounds cool

 

(Charlie starts to chuckle)

 

JANE

What is it?

 

CHARLIE

I'm just being tickled by one of those juicy moments that life sometimes throws up...

 

JANE

Huh?

 

CHARLIE

You see, right now, I could have told you that the place is also renowned for being a cheap place to get sushi, but I didn't out of fear of sounding like a complete twat.

 

JANE

Huh. So you're taking me to a cheap sushi place?

 

CHARLIE

And that's why I didn't tell you...

 

JANE

Don't worry, I have expectations lower than a midget doing the limbo

 

CHARLIE

Oh thank God. You know Jane Lane, I've really enjoyed tonight so far...

 

JANE

So have I (holding Charlie closer)

 

Scene VIII (INT, Night, Sammy's Sushi)

 

PATRICK

And that's how I made it through High School relatively unscathed

 

DARIA

That's where I went wrong. I should've just stuck to the shadows like you, but I always had to voice my opinion. Damn ethical self-righteousness...

 

PATRICK

But if you didn't voice your opinions, you wouldn't be the person you are today, and from where I'm sitting, that's a very bad thing.

 

DARIA

You have a line for everything, don't you?

 

PATRICK

Not so much lines, as the honest to god truth.

 

(Daria blushes)

 

PATRICK

Now, you have to try some raw fish...

 

DARIA

No thank you...

 

PATRICK

Come on...

 

DARIA

That fish never did anything to me...

 

PATRICK

Take a chance. It works. Believe me, I know.

 

DARIA

I don't know...

 

PATRICK

How about we drown it in soy sauce first?

 

(Patrick dips sushi in soy sauce)

 

PATRICK

Now close your eyes...

 

(Daria closes her eyes)

 

(Patrick places sushi in Daria's mouth)

 

PATRICK

See, that's not so bad, now is it?

 

(Daria swallows)

 

DARIA

That's a matter of perspective

 

(Patrick chuckles)

 

DARIA

What?

 

PATRICK

You have some soy sauce on you

 

DARIA

Where...here? Here? Here?

 

(Patrick takes out napkin)

 

PATRICK

I've got it...

 

(Patrick wipes off soy sauce, and his hand remains on Daria's face)

 

PATRICK

You know, you're even more beautiful from up close...

 

(A pause)

 

SAM

Watch out! Here they come!

 

(A crowd enters)

 

CHARLIE

Now, we have to rush to get a good table...

 

JANE

(Spies Daria) I think we can get a good table...

 

(Jane and Charlie walk over to Patrick and Daria)

 

JANE

Ola Amiga, the new beau?

 

DARIA

Patrick, Jane, Jane, Patrick

 

PATRICK

Hi. Any friend of Daria's is a friend of mine...

 

CHARLIE

That means that you're the infamous Daria...

 

DARIA

Infamous? Not yet at least...

 

PATRICK

Sit down would you? I'll get my brother to send us some more stuff....

 

(They sit down)

 

CHARLIE

Jane, you know somebody who knows somebody that knows Sammy the Sushi guy?

 

JANE

I'm going to go ahead and say yes...mostly because I really couldn't follow that...

 

CHARLIE

Marry me...

 

JANE

We should at least see how the rest of this date turns out, and I don't accept anything under 21 carats...

 

DARIA

Should I do the check?

 

JANE

Proceed...

 

DARIA

I count two. That means they are two separate people...well...that's a relief...

 

(Charlie and Patrick look at each other)

 

PATRICK

Okay...I'm going to go to the bathroom, and then maybe somebody could explain that to me...

 

(Patrick leaves)

 

(Charlie looks at Jane)

 

JANE

It's a long story...

 

Scene IX (INT, Night, Lucy and Jane's dorm hall)

 

(Jane and Charlie walking down the hall)

 

JANE

Well, I've got to say, that didn't suck as much as I thought it would...

 

CHARLIE

Wow, you sure know how to make a guy go crazy with desire...

 

JANE

It's what I do...

 

CHARLIE

Well, I certainly enjoyed your company...

 

JANE

And I don't have food poisoning, so all in all, a pretty good night...

 

(They continue to walk)

 

CHARLIE

You know, I saw some of your work in a gallery downtown...I thought it was amazing...

 

JANE

That don't bring in the Benjamin's though...

 

CHARLIE

They're not selling? Maybe you should go down there, for there may be a commission check waiting for you...

 

(They come to the door)

 

CHARLIE

So, can I see you again?

 

JANE

Can't hurt...

 

CHARLIE

Cool. I guess....I'll call....

 

(Charlie turns around)

 

JANE

Aren't you even going to kiss me goodnight?

 

CHARLIE

I thought you'd never ask...

 

(They kiss)

 

CHARLIE

See you around Jane Lane...

 

JANE

And you too Charlie McCann...

 

(Charlie leaves)

 

(Jane enters dorm)

 

LUCY

So, how did it go?

 

JANE

Pretty good...

 

LUCY

Cool. Neill came by earlier tonight looking for you...

 

JANE

Neill?

 

LUCY

Guess he didn't know you were going out tonight...wouldn't surprise me if he didn't know much about anything...

 

JANE

Huh?

 

LUCY

I tried to put the moves on him, but he wasn't interested, and, come on, who would pass this tasty dish up?

 

JANE

Well....he can't really do much....his leg...

 

LUCY

It wasn't just that. Methinks think he was distracted by something...

 

JANE

Distracted?

 

LUCY

Yeah...by the way, he says your painting is 'grouse', whatever the hell that means...

 

JANE

Well that's nice of him....

 

LUCY

So, you ready for bed? Because I'm really tired...

 

JANE

I think I'm going to stay up and paint for a while...turn out the main light and I'll use the lamp...

 

(Lucy turns out light and climbs bunk0

 

(Jane stares at the painting)

 

Scene X (INT, Night, Neill and Daria's Dorm hall)

 

(Patrick and Daria are walking down the hall)

 

PATRICK

I really hope you had a good time tonight...

 

DARIA

For the last time, stop worrying, I had a good time

 

PATRICK

I really enjoyed your sense of humour...

 

DARIA

What? This old thing? I picked it up at the procrastination centre...tomorrow

 

(Patrick chuckles)

 

DARIA

You know, you're not such a bad guy....

 

PATRICK

Did you ever doubt it?

 

DARIA

A little smug perhaps...

 

PATRICK

Damn...

 

DARIA

But the cheap sushi makes up for it...

 

(They stop at the door)

 

(Patrick chuckles)

 

DARIA

What?

 

PATRICK

I find myself asking the eternal question...

 

DARIA

Eternal question?

 

PATRICK

What do I do here? Do I wait for the kiss? Do I go in for the kiss? You see, I think I had a really good time, and I'm pretty sure my date had a good time too. So what to do?

 

(A pause)

 

FROM INSIDE

Neill- Well do something mate!

Christie- Shh! They'll hear us!

 

PATRICK

And now I have an audience

 

DARIA

Let me make it easy for you

 

(Daria gives Patrick a kiss)

 

PATRICK

So, I presume I'll see you again?

 

DARIA

You're a nice guy, not a complete imbecile, and you have access to cheap sushi. You pass my standards...

 

PATRICK

Well, I guess I'll see you around then...

 

DARIA

Yeah...

 

(Daria turns toward door, as Patrick skips away)

 

(Daria, looks back suspiciously, and Patrick stops skipping)

 

(Daria smiles)

 

(Daria opens the door with force)

 

(Christie and Neill are clutching their nose and leg respectively)

 

NEILL

Argghh! My leg!

 

CHRISTIE

What's the big idea?

 

NEILL

Spy on someone and all of a sudden they get pissed off with you...these are hostile times we live in...

 

CHRISTIE

So, I take it the date went well?

 

DARIA

Surprisingly...

 

NEILL

See what happens when you take a crack on somebody?

 

DARIA

Yes Dad

 

NEILL

Maybe one day you'll crack onto somebody, now that will be a sight to behold...

 

CHRISTIE

So our little girl is out in the big, bad world of dating huh?

 

NEILL

Its okay honey, let it out...

 

(Christie starts to tear up)

 

DARIA

I'm going to go now....lest I be forced to silence you forever

 

(Daria walks into kitchen)

 

(Daria looks at answering machine, to see one message)

 

(Daria presses button)

 

MACHINE

 

Hi, it's Patrick here...I'm calling from the bathroom of Sam's  place...now, I'm pretty sure you're having a good time, but if you're not, I just wanted to call and say sorry, and to thank you for letting me even speak to you. I have the feeling like I'll never forget this...anyhow...I'm probably sounding like some deranged asylum escapee right now...so I'll end this message now....thanks...

 

END OF MESSAGES

 

(Daria can't help but smile)

 

END

 

-What will become of the new boys in Jane and Daria's life? Will Lucy make any progress with Neill? Will Sandi be able to take time off work? Will Preston buckle under the pressure of being Neill's sidekick? Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? All these questions and more, answered in the coming episodes!-

 

 

(Authors Notes)

 

 

**That's number 21 done. Watch for some crucial developments in coming episodes, as I work my way toward another 2-part episode (Like 'Passing Rugby Style'). Things will get heated between two characters, and we will learn why I introduced Patrick and Charlie**

 

*Questions? Comments? What's that sonny? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *

 

(Character Notes) 

 

+ Patrick is about 6 foot even, with short, chestnut brown hair, dark blue eyes, wearing cargo pants, sneakers and a thin jacket

 

~Charlie is about 6'2", with short and spiky brown hair with blond tips, grey eyes, wearing jeans, a bomber jacket and a black T-Shirt

 

 

 

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