THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown Series
EPISODE 19
RATS
WITH PRADA
(
Scene I (INT,
DARIA
So then he pretends I'm his
mom and hangs up.
JANE
Calling Dr. Freud...
DARIA
Please, if he had an Oedipus
complex he would've asked me put on an apron and sing a lullaby to him while we
were dating
JANE
Hmm...you do have a point...
DARIA
To be honest with you, I'm a
little spooked by the whole thing...
JANE
Hmmm....(pondering)
DARIA
What?
JANE
Okay, I'm going to try to
explain this to you, now, you have to promise me you wont go into a spiral and
try to change yourself again...
DARIA
I think I can do that...but I'm
not making any promises
JANE
Okay, it's like this. Let us
examine the evidence...
DARIA
Yes Sherlock, let's...
JANE
Time dear Watson, time. Number
one. He's on the phone to his ex-girlfriend
DARIA
I'm with you so far
JANE
Two. A young woman's voice is
heard in the background
DARIA
Check
JANE
Three. He hears this voice and
freaks out.
DARIA
Okay
JANE
I don't know how to tell you
this Daria, but he's moved on.
DARIA
What?
JANE
Think about it. Why else would
he hang up on you? Young Woman enters; Tom doesn't want her to know he's
talking to his ex....understandable...
DARIA
But I dumped him. Aren't I
supposed to be the one to move on?
JANE
You know our Tom, always
moving on quickly....
DARIA
Ugh, I don't even want to
think about it...
JANE
Fine...makes sense...How's Neill?
DARIA
I don't think he cares that
he's got a broken leg and in a wheelchair. He sees it as an opportunity to pop
a wheelie....
JANE
Maybe I should go over and see
him, bring him some chicken soup...or hard liquor, whatever one brings in the
event of a fractured leg...
DARIA
Good luck, if you can bypass
the football team, cheer squad and the mourning fans, then I think you may be
able to see him....
JANE
Wow, they're really taking
this hard aren't they?
DARIA
I just had to get out of
there, before another cheerleader cried....hang on, why do you want to see him?
JANE
Because
DARIA
Because what?
JANE
You know...I was there...when it
happened...
DARIA
So he gets himself injured,
and you blame yourself?
JANE
Well...he was trying to explain
something to me...and you know...
DARIA
No, I don't
JANE
He was trying to impress me....
DARIA
He tries to impress everyone,
it's nothing personal...
Scene II (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Daria and Jane are walking along
a hallway, flooded with mourners and well wishers)
(Daria and Jane bump into
several annoyed people)
GUY
Hey! No cuts!
DARIA
It's my dorm
WOMAN
Oh, you're that weird girl
Neill boards with....
(The crowd part to let Daria
and Jane through)
(Daria and Jane enter dorm, to
see Neill surrounded by people)
NEILL
I'll be right in about 6-8
weeks, so all in all, it's a pretty weak fracture, so I should be back then...
COACH
I told you not to play that
game!
NEILL
And I told you if I'm not playing
rugby, I'm not going to play your game....
(Cheerleader breaks down and
cries)
NEILL
She'll be right Tiffany...what
did I teach you?
TIFFANY
(Stops crying momentarily)
No....worries?
NEILL
There you go! (Spots Daria and
Jane) OK, People, that's enough for one day, I need my rest so I'll be bigger
and better than ever before!
STEVE
Man, this sucks....
(Crowd depart, leaving Neill,
Daria and Jane)
NEILL
Ladies
JANE
Quite the crowd there
DARIA
Like a freak show
NEILL
What can I say? People respond
to my sunny personality...
DARIA
And the fact that the football
team are on a 12 match winning streak doesn't figure into it...
NEILL
Nah mate...it's all good
(Knock at the door)
JANE
I'll get it
(Jane leaves)
DARIA
So...how does...the leg feel?
NEILL
Like it's fractured...
DARIA
I...suppose it would...
NEILL
Yeah...fractured legs generally
do feel like fractured legs...
FROM DOOR
Daria said I could stay here
for the gig...
(
Hey Daria, guy
NEILL
Its Neill mate
Right....so how are you Daria....?
DARIA
Fine....how are you?
(Sighs) Okay I guess...I didn't
know there was a line to get here though. If I had known there was a line, I
would have brought a sleeping bag or something.....
NEILL
Sorry about that mate...but I
can't stop them...so its better they line up then have me mobbed....
Whoa! What's with the leg?
NEILL
It's fractured
Dude...that sucks...
NEILL
It sure does
DARIA
I should probably show you to
your room...or something....
Room? I have been grossly
misinformed about college....
(Daria and Trent leave)
NEILL
And how may I help you today
JANE
Me...nothing.....
NEILL
Jane...look at me...look at me,
look at me (Kath and Kim impression). Now look at the ficus plant...now look at
me. I've got two words for you Jane; what's up doc?
JANE
It's just that....
NEILL
Yes?
JANE
When you decided to...take on
those other guys....
NEILL
Yes?
JANE
Were you doing it to just impress
me?
NEILL
Yes and no...
JANE
Yes and no?
NEILL
Well, I wanted you to get the
full taste of the game they play in heaven, so yes, but I always try to break
the line. Remember, it's my mantra...
JANE
So...you would've done it if I
wasn't there?
NEILL
9 times out of 10 luv
JANE
Nine times out of ten?
NEILL
Well, if I was pissed I
wouldn't do it....
(Trent and Daria enter)
I have got to come to college...
JANE
That would require work and
effort....
Good point...
NEILL
Well, this has been good, but
I've got to go and prepare for the show, and then class...so I'll see you all
later...
(Neill wheels away)
(Neill comes back)
NEILL
Oh yeah, by the way Daria, you
got a message from Thommo...says he's sorry he had to hang up on you.... (Looks
at
DARIA
Yes?
NEILL
Don't do anything you might
regret...
(Neill leaves to bemused looks
by all)
Scene III (EXT, Day,
Raft Coffee House)
NEILL
Welcome to the Alfie Langer Hour!
Coming today from the surrounds of the iconic Raft Coffee House! Oh boy do we
have a show for you today! Isn't that right
Sure...why not?
NEILL
We're running another
competition today...
Hopefully it won't end like
the last one
NEILL
Who knew the middle of summer
could be so chilly? No, I can pretty much guarantee to our listeners that there
will be no nudity....besides...I have a cast on, It's a little impossible for me to
get nude...
We'll also be opening up the
lines again, what's our topic today Neill?
NEILL
Well, it was going to be about
beer, but events have conspired for me to consider another topic. Where does
baggage come from? I'm talking emotional baggage. I'm talking that crap that
causes us to do things that we may regret.
But that's coming up later,
now, Cappadonna.
(
NEILL
You're getting better at this!
Thanks....I thought I would suck
at this Radio stuff, but I've got to say, you handle the pressure well.
NEILL
Well, just imagine you're
talking to mates...several hundred mates...
(Christie walks up with
coffee)
NEILL
You're a lifesaver Luv!
CHRISTIE
I knew that course in CPR
would come in handy.....
So...what's up?
CHRISTIE
Just trying to work through
some stuff...Neill...how did you choose the topic today?
NEILL
What do you mean Christie?
CHRISTIE
Baggage....
NEILL
Just some stuff Daria's going
through...
CHRISTIE
Oh...so it's Daria......
As far as I can tell by being
an impartial viewer....
(Christie walks off)
What was that all about?
NEILL
I don't know much, but I know
this one thing. Chicks will sometimes freak out for no particular reason, that,
and we're back in 3 seconds....
Scene IV (INT, Late
Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria typing on computer
while
Man...I wish I could study like
you could....I just never got the handle on working for long periods of time...
DARIA
Well, you can practice for 10
hours straight....
That's different...that's
music....
DARIA
I don't see a difference....
Hmmm?
DARIA
You study music, I study
words.
I suppose your right...
DARIA
Besides, I'm not doing work,
I'm emailing Quinn.
Who's Quinn?
DARIA
My sister....allegedly
Right...that chick....
DARIA
You really are oblivious
aren't you?
Not about everything....
(A long Pause)
(Brad enters)
BRAD
You know, I still can't find
that pick....who's the guy?
DARIA
Brad, Trent, Trent, Brad
What's going on?
BRAD
Not much...you?
Here for a gig...
BRAD
Wait...The Pimento on Saturday?
Yeah...
BRAD
I'm playing there too....
Cool
DARIA
It's like a meeting of the
minds....
Scene V (INT, Late
Day, Back Room/Raft Coffee House)
(Christie walks into the back)
(Christie finds the phone and
dials)
SANDI
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hey
SANDI
Oh....hey.
CHRISTIE
So...what's up?
SANDI
I wanted to apologise for not
showing up. I'm a bitch. I know. I just fell asleep...one minute I'm putting
lipstick on, the next I'm dreaming about putting lipstick on....
CHRISTIE
I wanted to apologise....
SANDI
For what? I'm the bitch...
CHRISTIE
For flipping out like that...
SANDI
Oh...what's a girlfriend with
the occasional irrational outburst?....
CHRISTIE
Hey!
SANDI
I'm sorry, that was uncalled
for...
CHRISTIE
It's just...that you haven't
been around lately...and then you ditch me....
SANDI
I'm not seeing anybody else if
that's what you're implying. I know it must be hard going out with a bi
girl...wondering about twice the betrayal...
CHRISTIE
It just made me feel, I don't
know, abandoned....
SANDI
Oh...I get it...Christie...I'm not
going anywhere....
CHRISTIE
You don't know how much I
wanted to hear that....
SANDI
I'm afraid you're going to
have to put up with my ass for quite a while...
CHRISTIE
Put
up
with your ass? Hardly.
SANDI
Where are you at the moment?
CHRISTIE
Doing the publicity thing at
the Coffee House...
SANDI
I think I could go for a
latte' right about now....
CHRISTIE
What about the bar?
SANDI
I think they can survive
without little old me for a day...
Scene VI (INT, Late
Day, Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Brad and Trent sit, playing
the acoustic guitar)
BRAD
Dude, those are some pretty
sweet tones there....earthy...yet....
Existential?
BRAD
No...
Elemental?
BRAD
No...more....cosmopolitan...
Cool.....
BRAD
I should probably go now...I was
probably meant to be in class about an hour ago....
(Brad leaves)
Cool guy...
DARIA
Sure...
Hmm....anything to eat around
here?
DARIA
Try the kitchen...
(
WOMAN
Hello?
DARIA
Uh...hi...Is Tom there?
WOMAN
And who may I say is calling?
DARIA
Daria Morgandorffer....
WOMAN
So you're the infamous Daria?
DARIA
Infamous?
WOMAN
Of course...I'll go and get him
for you.....
TOM
Hello?
DARIA
Hey
TOM
What a pleasant surprise....
DARIA
Neill told me that you left a
message?
TOM
Yeah...
DARIA
And that message would be?
TOM
I'm sorry for hanging up on
you when you last called....
DARIA
It's okay, you hang up
on me a lot, and I hang up on you....no biggie...
TOM
Biggie? What have they done
with your brain?
DARIA
Shut up
TOM
Anyhow...that was the message...
DARIA
Tom?
TOM
Yes?
DARIA
Who was
the woman on the other end of the line, and the woman who answered just now?
TOM
(Sighs) I suppose you had to
find out some time...
DARIA
Find out what?
TOM
I'm....going
out....with....somebody...
DARIA
Oh....
TOM
Yeah...
DARIA
So....who's the lucky....girl?
TOM
Uhh...Anne...uhh...you'd like her....
DARIA
I'm sure I would.....so
anyway...I'm...going to go now....
TOM
Yeah...uhh...bye....
(Tom hangs up)
FROM KITCHEN
Hey...I didn't know you had
chocolate spread....
DARIA
We don't
FROM KITCHEN
Where's your bathroom?
DARIA
First on the left
(
DARIA
Vegemite. Does it to people
every time.
Scene VII (EXT, Late
Day, Outside Raft Coffee House)
CALLER
Baggage sucks
NEILL
It sure does...
CALLER
Yeah...
Did you have a point you'd
like to bring to the party, or are you just proclaiming that baggage sucks?
CALLER
It sure does...
(
Oops, it seems like we've been
disconnected
NEILL
Oops?
Good point. Anyhow, we're
talking about baggage on the Alfie Langer Hour!
NEILL
And I believe we have another
caller
CALLER
Hey Neill
NEILL
G'Day, and what did you want
to bring to the table?
CALLER
Well...baggage...if we know we
have it, why aren't we able to drop it?
That's an interesting
point...there are several psychiatrists that have differing opinions on the
subject....
NEILL
I reckon we're not able to
drop it because we are confronted with everyday stimuli...
CALLER
Uhh
NEILL
Think about it. Say you have
an old girlfriend, or boyfriend. They dumped your arse good. You should be able
to get over it, but there are so many things you remember about the person,
like a flower, or the way their hair fell
The way they kept interrupting
you...
NEILL
Right! I'm saying that there
are symbols all around us that don't allow us to forget. The baggage isn't the
problem, it's dropping it that's the real issue here...
CALLER
Right
NEILL
Well, if I knew how to drop
it, I'd do it in a second....thanks for your call...
Yeah...thanks
NEILL
That unfortunately is all we
have time for today! This has been Neill Hayden and Preston O'Malley bringing
you the finest in Raft music, chat and shenanigans. Until next Time, this has
been the Alfie Langer Hour! Stay tuned for Birdman McGoff's set!
(Neill hits console)
Scene VIII (INT,
Night, Daria and Neill's Dorm)
I'm pretty sure that serving
people that stuff is illegal...
DARIA
Since when were you concerned
with legalities?
Good point...so...
DARIA
So....
The new look is cool...
DARIA
Thanks...
Yeah....its like.....
DARIA
Earthy?
No...
DARIA
Existential?
No...more...cosmopolitan....
DARIA
Oh...so this gig.....
Yeah....at the Pimento....
DARIA
Yeah......
Should be cool...you should take
whoever you're seeing....
DARIA
Uhhh...I'm not seeing anybody....
Oh....
DARIA
Yeah...
Now it can't be because people
aren't taking an interest....
DARIA
(Blushing) You'd be surprised....
If none of these college guys
wants you...it's their loss I say....
(Awkward pause...again)
So you're not seeing anybody
huh?
DARIA
Yeah....
I....
(Neill and Jane enter)
NEILL
What's happening party people?
(Trent and Daria looked
stunned by the sudden arrival)
JANE
Wow...I haven't seen more blank
faces since Ms Li gave the sex talk...
DARIA
Uh...what are you two doing
here?
NEILL
Well, I'm done with class, and
JANE
It was either me or the cheer
squad...and I wouldn't do that to our dear Killer...
DARIA
You're using Killer?
JANE
Too right!
NEILL
That's my girl! To the bar!
(Jane wheels Neill out)
So...uh....
DARIA
Yeah.....
(Awkward pause)
I better go to sleep....
DARIA
You go to sleep?
Well, I haven't slept in 3
days....
DARIA
Yes...you had better get to
sleep....
(
Scene IX (INT, Night,
Christie's Dorm)
(Christie and Sandi watching
TV)
TV
Next, A
saucy new series where a bunch of housewife models crash their plane on an
abandoned island....and learn to dance with minor celebrities!
CHRISTIE
You know it's amazing we put
up with this crap...
SANDI
Quiet! The ads are on....
CHRISTIE
This is nice....
SANDI
Sure is...
CHRISTIE
You know what....I think we
should do this more often....
SANDI
What do you mean?
CHRISTIE
I heard why you were working
so much from Daria....
SANDI
Well, as much as I love Renee,
I hate the guys she brings home...
CHRISTIE
I was thinking...
SANDI
Did you hurt yourself?
CHRISTIE
Ha ha...
SANDI
Okay, what were you thinking?
CHRISTIE
Well, you could do with two
incomes...
(Sandi turns to Christie)
SANDI
Are you suggesting what I
think you're suggesting?
CHRISTIE
Maybe I am...
SANDI
This is a pretty big step...and
we've only been going out now for about 5 months...
CHRISTIE
5 months 23 days 4 hours
and.....15 seconds
SANDI
Wow...that's....freaky....
CHRISTIE
So...you're against the idea?
SANDI
No...I like the idea...it would allow
me to see more of you, and that's a good thing, but...
CHRISTIE
Yes...
SANDI
Listen, I've had more
experience than you....
CHRISTIE
You're only 22
SANDI
Still....I can vouch for the
fact if we broke up while living together...that would just suck big time. I know
you're optimistic...and I love that about you....but I've seen what can go wrong...
CHRISTIE
Oh...
SANDI
It's nothing personal...it's my
problem....but...I can think about it....how about we just enjoy where we are now?...
CHRISTIE
I think I can do that...
SANDI
Besides...our relationship isn't
stale or anything....
CHRISTIE
No...not with the internet
anyhow...so many ideas.....
Scene X (INT, Night,
McBride's Bar)
(Jane and Neill are sitting at
the bar)
NEILL
Hey, McBride...where's Sandi?
MCBRIDE
I gave her the night off...she
wasn't her usual self...
JANE
Do tell
MCBRIDE
Well, she kept on antagonising
the customers...and that's bad for business...
(McBride walks off)
JANE
You know, that cast has a lot
of signatures on it....
NEILL
Yeah...I suppose it does...although
I can't see under the cast....can you get down there and take a look for me?
(Jane gets up and bends down
to see under cast)
(Neill leans across to get a
better view of Jane's ass)
JANE
Yeah...it's signed under here
too...which is quite odd...
NEILL
Yep.....sure is....
(Jane sits back on stool)
JANE
Can you make me a promise?
NEILL
Sure
JANE
Can I keep the cast when it
comes off?
NEILL
I guess so...although that is a
little weird...and kinky....
JANE
It's for a piece I've been
dreaming about. Kinky?
NEILL
Change of topic
JANE
Agreed
NEILL
So, what do you think of
baggage?
JANE
Baggage?
NEILL
Emotional baggage...
JANE
Oh...it sucks...
NEILL
Yeah...but you know what I was
thinking today?
JANE
I can guess...
NEILL
Nothing sordid. I was thinking
that baggage can be a good thing.
JANE
Huh?
NEILL
Baggage is seen as something
that hinders us right? It can, I know, but I think it can also create
opportunities that weren't present before...
JANE
At the risk of sounding like a
broken record...huh?
NEILL
Say you've got some stuff
right? It can close doors...emotionally I mean. But it can also, because of those
closed options, light the way to others...
JANE
Like a conditioned rodent, and
how closing off a route in a maze through psychological torture, can make a rat
want not go down one path. Thus the remaining paths look all the more enticing
in comparison...
NEILL
Yeah. It's like, people see
baggage as something holding them back, but I see it as something can light the
way to options that one may not have considered....
JANE
Neill?
NEILL
Yeah?
JANE
When did you become
philosophical?
NEILL
Always have been, but let's
just say I have some baggage (looking at cast) that has pointed me to some
other directions...
END
-Will Sandi let Christie move
in with her? Will Daria and Trent's situation be resolved? Will
(Authors Notes)
**Okay, approaching number 20!
Shite! How the hell did I end up writing 20 of these?! Ahh well, juicy
plotlines in the works, stay tuned folks!**
*Questions? Comments? [Insert
semi-humorous observation on the fragility of modern life]? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *