THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SEASON TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 17
NOW
YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T
(
Scene I (INT, Night,
Radio Station)
NEILL
And that's it for me! I'd like
to thank Krazy Karl's fish supply for all their support! I'd also like to thank
all you crazy guys and girls for taking a shot on Mick Dundee on the mic, this
has been Neill Hayden on the Alfie Langer Hour! Until next time, signing off.
Stay tuned for Brother Tim's half hour of power!
(Neill hits console)
RANDY
Good show, good show.
NEILL
Thanks mate, I'm off to see a
man about a dog
RANDY
Have you thought about our
offer?
NEILL
The uhh 'black doves'?
RANDY
Yes
NEILL
Yeah, I thought about it, but
I realised that joining a secret order would just be a pain in the arse. I
mean, I got everything I need, so thanks anyhow... (Begins to leave)
RANDY
Of course you know that our
request wasn't really a request, it was an order...
NEILL
You threatening me?
RANDY
Let's just say things around
the station could get a bit messy for you....
NEILL
Well, you could put my shift a
RANDY
Oh, I know, but I may just
your friend's slot to someone else....
NEILL
Damn...
RANDY
Yes...so you can see you're
quite clearly outplayed....
NEILL
Not yet mate, I've got one ace
up my sleeve...
Scene II (INT, Day,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria is typing on the
computer)
(The phone rings)
DARIA
Hello?
Hey...
DARIA
Last time I checked...
DARIA
Did you need Jane's number?
No...I have that...
DARIA
So....
So...
DARIA
Yes?
I called you Daria...
DARIA
Oh...
So...what's up?
DARIA
Nothing much....still slaving
over the hot coals...you?
Still waiting for Mystik
Spiral's World Tour to begin...
DARIA
Playing
Nah, but we're playing a gig
up in
DARIA
Cool
Yeah...
DARIA
So...was there a reason you
wanted to call me?
Yeah...I need a place to crash...
DARIA
What about Jane?
Room's way too small
DARIA
What about the Tank?
I drew the short straw...the
Tank only sleeps 3
DARIA
Well, I guess it's OK, I'll
have to ask Neill though...
Oh yeah...that guy...he seems
pretty cool...
DARIA
You wouldn't say that if you
knew....
Knew what?
DARIA
Uhh...nothing...how about I call
you when Neill comes back...?
OK, sounds like a plan....
DARIA
Bye...
(Daria hangs up)
(Neill enters)
DARIA
Hey, can
NEILL
Jane's brother...sure....he seems
like the kinda bloke who's fun to get drunk with...besides, if we get him pissed,
you may just have a shot....hey, you know where Preston's dorm is?
DARIA
NEILL
You bewdy, thanks
(Neill leaves)
DARIA
Now back to whatever it was
that I was doing...
(Phone rings)
DARIA
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hey!
DARIA
Hey, what's up?
CHRISTIE
Nothin' much, just got back
from class...you?
DARIA
Writing an article
CHRISTIE
You got the job?
DARIA
How can it be a job if I'm not
being paid for it?
CHRISTIE
I don't know....you get paid
with the respect of a journalist...
DARIA
You mean rotten tomatoes in
the street?
CHRISTIE
The very same, hey, I bet
Neill could whip something up with those...
DARIA
So...why you calling?
CHRISTIE
No reason, just wanted to
talk...
DARIA
You know, we seem to be
hanging out a lot...anything you want to tell me?
CHRISTIE
Nothing as such...
DARIA
So...How's Sandi?
CHRISTIE
I wouldn't know...
DARIA
What?
CHRISTIE
It's just that we haven't been
able to hang out together lately...with her work and my studies...it's just hard...
DARIA
Umm...hang in there?
CHRISTIE
I will, but it's really
getting annoying...anyhow, I bet you don't want to hear about my problems, I'll
see you around...
DARIA
Yeah
(Daria hangs up)
Scene III (INT, Day,
(Neill knocks on door)
GUY
Hey, it's Neill Hayden! What's
up man?!
NEILL
Do I know you?
GUY
No, but I listen to your show!
It's awesome!
NEILL
Always nice to meet a fan
mate, so, is
GUY
Yeah, sure...
(Guy goes in, and
Neill?
NEILL
Last time I checked. So,
what's up?
Just writing some tight
rhymes...
NEILL
Really?
No...so, what is this about?
NEILL
What do you want first, the
bad news or the good?
Okay...Bad
NEILL
I'm afraid you no longer have
your own show on RCR
Damn...I was actually looking
forward to that as well, so what happened?
NEILL
Randy tried to recruit
me....uh...I probably shouldn't be talking about this...
Ok......so what's the good news?
NEILL
I'm looking for a co-host...
You've got to be kidding me...
NEILL
Nah mate, I'm not...coming up
with an hour every couple of days is getting harder and harder, I need someone
there to share the load as such...
No, I mean, what the hell do
we have in common?
NEILL
What do you mean?
You're the Big Man on campus.
I am not. You're white. I am not. You're Australian. I am not
NEILL
I get your point. But that's
just it!
What?
NEILL
We're completely different!
I'm pretty sure that's not a
winning formula...
NEILL
We can either look at this in a
negative light and thus say it wouldn't work, or we can say that our
differences will complement each other...
I don't know...
NEILL
Listen, just do one show, if
it doesn't work, money back guaranteed!
What money?
NEILL
It's just a saying
Cracker
NEILL
You see, this is the type of
banter that could work!
I see you point, but you're
still a cracker
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Jane and Lucy's Dorm)
(We see Jane at her easel,
working away)
(Lucy enters)
LUCY
How's it going partner?
JANE
Pretty good Lucy, Pretty good.
LUCY
Hey, you're producing some
stuff!
JANE
Yeah
LUCY
So the assignments got better?
JANE
No, this is an
extra-curricular activity...
LUCY
Speaking of extra-curricular
activity....
JANE
Yes?
LUCY
You had that guy in our dorm
again last night...
JANE
And?
LUCY
So you got something going on
with him?
JANE
Not that I know of...
LUCY
Not according to our
neighbours....
JANE
What?
LUCY
Let's just say that you're
quite loud...and that's saying something, because they didn't know that there was
a violin in the dorm...
JANE
Well, it can't be helped (Jane
blushes)
LUCY
It probably could if you went
over to Raft...
JANE
Yes, but his roommate would
lose all respect for me
LUCY
Huh?
JANE
Don't worry...
LUCY
I almost forgot, you got a
phone call today...
JANE
Did you get a name?
LUCY
Dariuh?
JANE
Close but no cigar...
(Walks over to phone and
dials)
DARIA
Dispatch.
JANE
Yo
DARIA
Hey
JANE
You rang?
DARIA
Yes Lurch, just wondering if
you wanted to go get pizza
JANE
Sounds cool, I'll be there in
half an hour...
DARIA
Bye.
Scene V (INT, Early
Afternoon, Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Daria hangs up)
(A knock at the door)
(Daria opens)
BRAD
Hey...did I leave my pick here?
DARIA
Not that I know of...but feel
free to rummage through our personal possessions...
BRAD
Cool...
(Brad starts searching)
DARIA
Brad?
BRAD
Yo?
DARIA
I know why you left the Random
Pigeons....
(Brad looks up)
BRAD
You know what? I can always
buy a new pick....I think I'll go... (Starts to depart)
DARIA
Brad. Wait.
(Brad stops and sighs)
DARIA
It's okay
BRAD
It is?
DARIA
I know what it's like to be
tricked
BRAD
It's uncool...
DARIA
Yeah...
BRAD
So...we still friends?
DARIA
As far as I can see...
BRAD
Cool....how were you tricked?
DARIA
What?
BRAD
You said you were tricked?
DARIA
Yeah...it's half the reason I
have this stuff on...
BRAD
What?
DARIA
You know...this will make a good
article....
BRAD
What?
DARIA
Nothing, hey, I have to
go...but...yeah...I guess I'll see you around...
BRAD
Yeah...
DARIA
Oh, and Brad
BRAD
Yeah?
DARIA
You know how you liked me?
BRAD
Yeah...
DARIA
Well....
BRAD
What?
DARIA
(She pauses) Nothing Brad,
nothing.
(Daria exits)
BRAD
Now, I know I either left it here,
or behind building 2...
(Goofy grin appears on Brad's
face)
BRAD
Probably behind building 2, I
should probably go there now...
(Brad exits)
Scene VI (INT, Early
Afternoon, Christie's Dorm)
(Christie is sitting down,
studying)
(The phone rings)
(Christie answers)
CHRISTIE
Bert's Mortuary, you bring
them, we embalm them.
SANDI
Hey
CHRISTIE
Hey! Long time no see!
SANDI
Yeah, well, work...
CHRISTIE
Yeah....sure...
SANDI
I have some bad news
CHRISTIE
Batteries go up in price
again?
SANDI
No, I'm afraid I'm going to be
pretty busy with work over the next week...so...yeah...I guess we won't be seeing
much of each other...
CHRISTIE
We're not seeing that much of
each other anyhow...what's another week...?
SANDI
I know...it sucks
CHRISTIE
Yeah...it does...
SANDI
Are you okay?
CHRISTIE
Never better...
SANDI
Okay then...I'll try to call....
CHRISTIE
Sure... (Hangs up)
(Christie ponders and walks
over to dresser)
(She takes out a small piece
of paper)
(She walks back to the phone
and dials)
MAN
Hello? (American Italian
accent)
(Christie hangs up)
(Christie lies down on her bed
and looks up at the ceiling)
CHRISTIE
I'm pretty sure this isn't
healthy...
(Christie gets up and walks
out of dorm)
Scene VII (INT, late
afternoon,
(Daria and Jane sitting,
ordering Pizza)
DARIA
So then the cougar gets really
mad....
JANE
I missed this
DARIA
What?
JANE
Ordering bad pizza and
reminiscing over animal attack stories...
DARIA
So...how are classes?
JANE
Good, apart from all the learning,
the work and total lack of creativity...but apart from that, good.
DARIA
That sucks...
JANE
But I found a gallery downtown
that sells work, so I've been able to get some inspiration to create from that...
DARIA
I'm not sure if money should
inspire
JANE
Hey, it's inspired our elite
athletes for years...besides, I'm not in it for the money....
DARIA
Then what?
JANE
I guess I'm just creating
because I know I'll have an audience...
DARIA
Your inner Stacy crying for
approval?
JANE
You know me too well...
(Christie enters and sits down
next to Daria and Jane)
CHRISTIE
Hey
JANE
Hey
DARIA
Hey...
CHRISTIE
So, what are we talking about?
DARIA
When heart surgery goes wrong
CHRISTIE
Hey, Jane, does she ever talk
about puppy dogs and babies?
JANE
I thought she was about to
once, but it turns out she was just talking about the ideological corruption of
our young inherent in the Disney brand...
CHRISTIE
Groovy
DARIA
So...what are you doing here?
CHRISTIE
Just felt like some
sisterhood...
JANE
You know I'm not gay right?
CHRISTIE
Yes, for the fiftieth time,
yes...
DARIA
(Sighs) Do you want to...talk
about it?
CHRISTIE
Not really, I just want to eat
Pizza, and not worry about my figure, I want to drink soda and not worry about
breakouts. I want to not worry about reasons behind certain things...
JANE
Umm...neat?
CHRISTIE
But enough about me, met any
cute guys Jane?
JANE
Uhh...not as such...
CHRISTIE
Curiouser and Curiouser....
JANE
With all the work I've been
doing, I haven't had time to...check out the sites...as it were
DARIA
Then what are you doing here?
JANE
What do you mean?
DARIA
If you have such a huge
workload, shouldn't you be doing it instead of being here?
JANE
There's always time for pizza...
CHRISTIE
Well, from what my spies tell me...you've
had a guy in your room a couple of times now...
JANE
Your spies?
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah....I'm everywhere...so,
what about it?
JANE
What about what?
CHRISTIE
Have you had a guy in your
dorm?
JANE
Maybe...maybe not
DARIA
Well, I've got to go before I vomit...
(Daria leaves)
CHRISTIE
But you didn't even order the
cheese fries!
Scene VIII (INT,
Evening, Radio Station)
I can't believe I let you talk
me into this...
NEILL
Don't worry mate, she'll be
right!
Who will?
NEILL
Don't worry....
(They step into Radio Booth)
(Randy comes out)
RANDY
You're 2 minutes late
Hayden!....who's the guy?
NEILL
He's my new partner...
RANDY
Really? Because I heard you
were the freshman Casanova, but if you swing that way.....good for you...
NEILL
Nah mate, he's my new radio
presenter!
RANDY
What?
NEILL
The Alfie Langer Hour has a
new member!
RANDY
You can't do that!
NEILL
Why not?
RANDY
Because....because....we'll get
you yet Hayden!
(Randy disappears)
What the hell was that?
NEILL
Just some interpersonal
politics, nothing major.....we're on in 30 seconds!
(Neill and
NEILL
Nervous?
Kinda
NEILL
Don't worry mate, all we do is
talk to people, and play songs, nothing major...
(Red light turns on)
NEILL
G'Day everybody! You're tuned
in Raft College Radio, and you're listening to the Alfie Langer Tribute Hour,
now with my good mate
Uhh....hey...what's up people?
NEILL
Okay, for the next hour, we'll
be taking through, I've got another patented Neill Hayden Challenge to put out
to our listeners, got some solo stuff from outed front man of the Random
Pigeons Brad Lee...now, Preston, you've heard this stuff, is it or is it not hot?
Hot like the sun?
NEILL
Damn straight! But right now,
we're taking callers on anything you want to talk about....Girls, Guys
Marx's viewpoint on the false
consciousness
NEILL
Or Beer. I believe we have our
first caller for the afternoon; you're on the Alfie Langer Tribute Hour, what's
on your mind?
CALLER
Hey Neill, I was just calling
to ask if you had any advice about burnout.
If I may Neill
NEILL
Go right ahead mate!
There are a number of ways you
can get your groove back after study. Like Yoga, or Tai Chi....
NEILL
Or just getting pissed...
CALLER
Cool...thanks Neill
NEILL
No worries mate...OK, I have an
announcement here...would you do the honours
(Neill hand
If I'm reading this correctly,
there is going to be a RCR Live broadcast in two weeks time, because the last
one was such a hit...
NEILL
And cold....very cold...
We'll be broadcasting from
Raft Coffee House once again...so...get down there and support both the station and
the coffee house...
NEILL
Because they make a macchiato
like you wouldn't believe...anyhow, heres a message from Krazy Karl's Fish
Supply!
(Neill hits console)
NEILL
See mate, you're doing
beautifully!
That depends on your
perspective...
Scene IX (INT, Night,
Christie's Dorm)
(Christie enters her dorm, and
turns on TV)
TV
Next, the exciting new reality
series where a bunch of castaways are abandoned on an island, and live in a
house, while competing in immunity challenges and finding love, all to win the
respect from an eccentric billionaire!
CHRISTIE
Is it just me, or is reality
TV even running out of ideas?
(Christie turns off Television
set)
(Christie sits, bored, and
then picks up the phone and dials)
ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi! You've reached Sandi and Renee,
leave your name and number, and we may get back to you if we like you. How do
you turn this thing off? I pushed the Red Button! (BEEP)
CHRISTIE
Hey Sandi, it's just
me....wondering where you were, you're obviously not here...probably at work or
something...so...I guess...yeah...just wanted to talk to you...okay...so...bye...
(Christie hangs up)
CHRISTIE
Wow, my eloquence will surely
win her back!
(Christie stares at her books)
CHRISTIE
No...I don't think crustaceans
are the answer here.....
(Christie lies on bed, and stares
at ceiling)
(Christie gets up and goes up
to dresser, before pulling out a small piece of paper)
(Christie walks over to phone
and dials)
MAN
Hello?
CHRISTIE
I, uhh
(Christie hangs up)
CHRISTIE
What the hell is wrong with me?
Do I need to get drunk first?
Scene X (INT, night,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria sitting on couch,
reading)
(A knock at the door, Daria
answers)
CHRISTIE
Hey
DARIA
Hey
CHRISTIE
Can I come in?
DARIA
Can I stop you?
CHRISTIE
I have a three inch height
advantage, so you can try, but you'll be left wanting...
(Christie enters)
DARIA
So....what's up?
CHRISTIE
I just need to talk to
somebody...anybody.
DARIA
You sure know how to make a
girl feel loved....
(Christie sighs)
CHRISTIE
I wish I did know...
DARIA
What?
CHRISTIE
Nothing....so...what are you
doing?
DARIA
Thinking...about stuff
CHRISTIE
About what?
DARIA
Manipulation and opportunity...
CHRISTIE
Huh?
DARIA
I realise now what you and
Neill were doing...
CHRISTIE
About what?
DARIA
This whole, 'hey, let's
convince Daria that she wants to jump Brad for our own amusement!'
CHRISTIE
Oh...yeah...
DARIA
Do I get an apology?
CHRISTIE
For what?
DARIA
You did hear what I just said
didn't you?
CHRISTIE
To be fair Daria, we only did that
out of respect for you...
DARIA
Huh?
CHRISTIE
Neill I saw much potential in
you. You're a smart girl, and you could be very happy.
DARIA
I guess
CHRISTIE
But I think Neill was doing it
for other reasons...I know it still won't change anything, so, I guess for my
part, I'm sorry...
DARIA
That's okay
CHRISTIE
Besides, you learned how to fel sexy, do you
regret that?
DARIA
I....I guess not
CHRISTIE
And could you imagine us
overtly coming to you and saying that you needed to be more assertive and sexy?
DARIA
I guess not...
CHRISTIE
And besides...you're still
wearing the new look.
DARIA
You do have a point, and I do
feel a little better...
CHRISTIE
We only did it out of good
intentions...
DARIA
I can see that doing it any
other way with me was akin to a blind man in a book store
CHRISTIE
How about next time we come up
to you and discuss the issues...
DARIA
No...how about I find out about
stuff by myself in the future?
CHRISTIE
I suppose that could work...I'll
inform Neill
DARIA
I haven't seen Neill tonight;
do you know where he is? Because I don't feel like eating from the cafeteria,
and I can't go for Pizza with Jane, because she has some project to work on...
CHRISTIE
Last I heard, he was going to
a bar with a girl he met...
DARIA
Well, seems like the old Neill
is back
Scene XI (INT, night,
McBride's Bar)
SANDI
Hey, can I get you something?
NEILL
Yeah, a beer would be grouse.
SANDI
Sure (gives Neill beer) you
here alone?
NEILL
No, I'm waiting for somebody...
(Jane enters)
END
-Who is the man Christie is
calling? Will Sandi and Christie's problems be resolved? Where to now for
Daria? Why is Jane meeting Neill in McBride's? Who is Alfie Langer? All these
questions and more, answered in coming episodes!-
(Authors notes)
**The mysterious man that
Christie is calling will play an important role in the development of Christie
and Sandi's relationship, without saying a word. Curious? I know I am!
(Actually, I know what's going on, so I guess I'm not...)**
*Questions? Comments? Dope
Rhymes? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*