THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE (SEASON TWO): A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 17

NOW YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T

(Preston begins his new radio gig, while Christie has some problems with Sandi)

 

 

Scene I (INT, Night, Radio Station)

 

NEILL

And that's it for me! I'd like to thank Krazy Karl's fish supply for all their support! I'd also like to thank all you crazy guys and girls for taking a shot on Mick Dundee on the mic, this has been Neill Hayden on the Alfie Langer Hour! Until next time, signing off. Stay tuned for Brother Tim's half hour of power!

 

(Neill hits console)

 

RANDY

Good show, good show.

 

NEILL

Thanks mate, I'm off to see a man about a dog

 

RANDY

Have you thought about our offer?

 

NEILL

The uhh 'black doves'?

 

RANDY

Yes

 

NEILL

Yeah, I thought about it, but I realised that joining a secret order would just be a pain in the arse. I mean, I got everything I need, so thanks anyhow... (Begins to leave)

 

RANDY

Of course you know that our request wasn't really a request, it was an order...

 

NEILL

You threatening me?

 

RANDY

Let's just say things around the station could get a bit messy for you....

 

NEILL

Well, you could put my shift a 3AM mate, and I'd still pull an audience...and you can't pull me off, because I got a loyal audience!

 

RANDY

Oh, I know, but I may just your friend's slot to someone else....

 

NEILL

Damn...

 

RANDY

Yes...so you can see you're quite clearly outplayed....

 

NEILL

Not yet mate, I've got one ace up my sleeve...

 

Scene II (INT, Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Daria is typing on the computer)

 

(The phone rings)

 

DARIA

Hello?

 

TRENT

Hey...

 

DARIA

Trent?

 

TRENT

Last time I checked...

 

DARIA

Did you need Jane's number?

 

TRENT

No...I have that...

 

DARIA

So....

 

TRENT

So...

 

DARIA

Yes?

 

TRENT

I called you Daria...

 

DARIA

Oh...

 

TRENT

So...what's up?

 

DARIA

Nothing much....still slaving over the hot coals...you?

 

TRENT

Still waiting for Mystik Spiral's World Tour to begin...

 

DARIA

Playing Tokyo yet?

 

TRENT

Nah, but we're playing a gig up in Boston a couple of weeks time....

 

DARIA

Cool

 

TRENT

Yeah...

 

DARIA

So...was there a reason you wanted to call me?

 

TRENT

Yeah...I need a place to crash...

 

DARIA

What about Jane?

 

TRENT

Room's way too small

 

DARIA

What about the Tank?

 

TRENT

I drew the short straw...the Tank only sleeps 3

 

DARIA

Well, I guess it's OK, I'll have to ask Neill though...

 

TRENT

Oh yeah...that guy...he seems pretty cool...

 

DARIA

You wouldn't say that if you knew....

 

TRENT

Knew what?

 

DARIA

Uhh...nothing...how about I call you when Neill comes back...?

 

TRENT

OK, sounds like a plan....

 

DARIA

Bye...

 

(Daria hangs up)

 

(Neill enters)

 

DARIA

Hey, can Trent stay here a couple of days?

 

NEILL

Jane's brother...sure....he seems like the kinda bloke who's fun to get drunk with...besides, if we get him pissed, you may just have a shot....hey, you know where Preston's dorm is?

 

DARIA

Preston? Uh...building 6, room 351

 

NEILL

You bewdy, thanks

 

(Neill leaves)

 

DARIA

Now back to whatever it was that I was doing...

 

(Phone rings)

 

DARIA

Hello?

 

CHRISTIE

Hey!

 

DARIA

Hey, what's up?

 

CHRISTIE

Nothin' much, just got back from class...you?

 

DARIA

Writing an article

 

CHRISTIE

You got the job?

 

DARIA

How can it be a job if I'm not being paid for it?

 

CHRISTIE

I don't know....you get paid with the respect of a journalist...

 

DARIA

You mean rotten tomatoes in the street?

 

CHRISTIE

The very same, hey, I bet Neill could whip something up with those...

 

DARIA

So...why you calling?

 

CHRISTIE

No reason, just wanted to talk...

 

DARIA

You know, we seem to be hanging out a lot...anything you want to tell me?

 

CHRISTIE

Nothing as such...

 

DARIA

So...How's Sandi?

 

CHRISTIE

I wouldn't know...

 

DARIA

What?

 

CHRISTIE

It's just that we haven't been able to hang out together lately...with her work and my studies...it's just hard...

 

DARIA

Umm...hang in there?

 

CHRISTIE

I will, but it's really getting annoying...anyhow, I bet you don't want to hear about my problems, I'll see you around...

 

DARIA

Yeah

 

(Daria hangs up)

 

Scene III (INT, Day, Preston's Dorm)

 

(Neill knocks on door)

 

GUY

Hey, it's Neill Hayden! What's up man?!

 

NEILL

Do I know you?

 

GUY

No, but I listen to your show! It's awesome!

 

NEILL

Always nice to meet a fan mate, so, is Preston around?

 

GUY

Yeah, sure...

 

(Guy goes in, and Preston comes to the door)

 

PRESTON

Neill?

 

NEILL

Last time I checked. So, what's up?

 

PRESTON

Just writing some tight rhymes...

 

NEILL

Really?

 

PRESTON

No...so, what is this about?

 

NEILL

What do you want first, the bad news or the good?

 

PRESTON

Okay...Bad

 

NEILL

I'm afraid you no longer have your own show on RCR

 

PRESTON

Damn...I was actually looking forward to that as well, so what happened?

 

NEILL

Randy tried to recruit me....uh...I probably shouldn't be talking about this...

 

PRESTON

Ok......so what's the good news?

 

NEILL

I'm looking for a co-host...

 

PRESTON

You've got to be kidding me...

 

NEILL

Nah mate, I'm not...coming up with an hour every couple of days is getting harder and harder, I need someone there to share the load as such...

 

PRESTON

No, I mean, what the hell do we have in common?

 

NEILL

What do you mean?

 

PRESTON

You're the Big Man on campus. I am not. You're white. I am not. You're Australian. I am not

 

NEILL

I get your point. But that's just it!

 

PRESTON

What?

 

NEILL

We're completely different!

 

PRESTON

I'm pretty sure that's not a winning formula...

 

NEILL

We can either look at this in a negative light and thus say it wouldn't work, or we can say that our differences will complement each other...

 

PRESTON

I don't know...

 

NEILL

Listen, just do one show, if it doesn't work, money back guaranteed!

 

PRESTON

What money?

 

NEILL

It's just a saying

 

PRESTON

Cracker

 

NEILL

You see, this is the type of banter that could work!

 

PRESTON

I see you point, but you're still a cracker

 

Scene IV (INT, Day, Jane and Lucy's Dorm)

 

(We see Jane at her easel, working away)

 

(Lucy enters)

 

LUCY

How's it going partner?

 

 JANE

Pretty good Lucy, Pretty good.

 

LUCY

Hey, you're producing some stuff!

 

JANE

Yeah

 

LUCY

So the assignments got better?

 

JANE

No, this is an extra-curricular activity...

 

LUCY

Speaking of extra-curricular activity....

 

JANE

Yes?

 

LUCY

You had that guy in our dorm again last night...

 

JANE

And?

 

LUCY

So you got something going on with him?

 

JANE

Not that I know of...

 

LUCY

Not according to our neighbours....

 

JANE

What?

 

LUCY

Let's just say that you're quite loud...and that's saying something, because they didn't know that there was a violin in the dorm...

 

JANE

Well, it can't be helped (Jane blushes)

 

LUCY

It probably could if you went over to Raft...

 

JANE

Yes, but his roommate would lose all respect for me

 

LUCY

Huh?

 

JANE

Don't worry...

 

LUCY

I almost forgot, you got a phone call today...

 

JANE

Did you get a name?

 

LUCY

Dariuh?

 

JANE

Close but no cigar...

 

(Walks over to phone and dials)

 

DARIA

Dispatch.

 

JANE

Yo

 

DARIA

Hey

 

JANE

You rang?

 

DARIA

Yes Lurch, just wondering if you wanted to go get pizza

 

JANE

Sounds cool, I'll be there in half an hour...

 

DARIA

Bye.

 

Scene V (INT, Early Afternoon, Neill and Daria's dorm)

 

(Daria hangs up)

 

(A knock at the door)

 

(Daria opens)

 

BRAD

Hey...did I leave my pick here?

 

DARIA

Not that I know of...but feel free to rummage through our personal possessions...

 

BRAD

Cool...

 

(Brad starts searching)

 

DARIA

Brad?

 

BRAD

Yo?

 

DARIA

I know why you left the Random Pigeons....

 

(Brad looks up)

 

BRAD

You know what? I can always buy a new pick....I think I'll go... (Starts to depart)

 

DARIA

Brad. Wait.

 

(Brad stops and sighs)

 

DARIA

It's okay

 

BRAD

It is?

 

DARIA

I know what it's like to be tricked

 

BRAD

It's uncool...

 

DARIA

Yeah...

 

BRAD

So...we still friends?

 

DARIA

As far as I can see...

 

BRAD

Cool....how were you tricked?

 

DARIA

What?

 

BRAD

You said you were tricked?

 

DARIA

Yeah...it's half the reason I have this stuff on...

 

BRAD

What?

 

DARIA

You know...this will make a good article....

 

BRAD

What?

 

DARIA

Nothing, hey, I have to go...but...yeah...I guess I'll see you around...

 

BRAD

Yeah...

 

DARIA

Oh, and Brad

 

BRAD

Yeah?

 

DARIA

You know how you liked me?

 

BRAD

Yeah...

 

DARIA

Well....

 

BRAD

What?

 

DARIA

(She pauses) Nothing Brad, nothing.

 

(Daria exits)

 

BRAD

Now, I know I either left it here, or behind building 2...

 

(Goofy grin appears on Brad's face)

 

BRAD

Probably behind building 2, I should probably go there now...

 

(Brad exits)

 

Scene VI (INT, Early Afternoon, Christie's Dorm)

 

(Christie is sitting down, studying)

 

(The phone rings)

 

(Christie answers)

 

CHRISTIE

Bert's Mortuary, you bring them, we embalm them.

 

SANDI

Hey

 

CHRISTIE

Hey! Long time no see!

 

SANDI

Yeah, well, work...

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah....sure...

 

SANDI

I have some bad news

 

CHRISTIE

Batteries go up in price again?

 

SANDI

No, I'm afraid I'm going to be pretty busy with work over the next week...so...yeah...I guess we won't be seeing much of each other...

 

CHRISTIE

We're not seeing that much of each other anyhow...what's another week...?

 

SANDI

I know...it sucks

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah...it does...

 

SANDI

Are you okay?

 

CHRISTIE

Never better...

 

SANDI

Okay then...I'll try to call....

 

CHRISTIE

Sure... (Hangs up)

 

(Christie ponders and walks over to dresser)

 

(She takes out a small piece of paper)

 

(She walks back to the phone and dials)

 

MAN

Hello? (American Italian accent)

 

(Christie hangs up)

 

(Christie lies down on her bed and looks up at the ceiling)

 

CHRISTIE

I'm pretty sure this isn't healthy...

 

(Christie gets up and walks out of dorm)

 

Scene VII (INT, late afternoon, Pizza Palace)

 

(Daria and Jane sitting, ordering Pizza)

 

DARIA

So then the cougar gets really mad....

 

JANE

I missed this

 

DARIA

What?

 

JANE

Ordering bad pizza and reminiscing over animal attack stories...

 

DARIA

So...how are classes?

 

JANE

Good, apart from all the learning, the work and total lack of creativity...but apart from that, good.

 

DARIA

That sucks...

 

JANE

But I found a gallery downtown that sells work, so I've been able to get some inspiration to create from that...

 

DARIA

I'm not sure if money should inspire

 

JANE

Hey, it's inspired our elite athletes for years...besides, I'm not in it for the money....

 

DARIA

Then what?

 

JANE

I guess I'm just creating because I know I'll have an audience...

 

DARIA

Your inner Stacy crying for approval?

 

JANE

You know me too well...

 

(Christie enters and sits down next to Daria and Jane)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey

 

JANE

Hey

 

DARIA

Hey...

 

CHRISTIE

So, what are we talking about?

 

DARIA

When heart surgery goes wrong

 

CHRISTIE

Hey, Jane, does she ever talk about puppy dogs and babies?

 

JANE

I thought she was about to once, but it turns out she was just talking about the ideological corruption of our young inherent in the Disney brand...

 

CHRISTIE

Groovy

 

DARIA

So...what are you doing here?

 

CHRISTIE

Just felt like some sisterhood...

 

JANE

You know I'm not gay right?

 

CHRISTIE

Yes, for the fiftieth time, yes...

 

DARIA

(Sighs) Do you want to...talk about it?

 

CHRISTIE

Not really, I just want to eat Pizza, and not worry about my figure, I want to drink soda and not worry about breakouts. I want to not worry about reasons behind certain things...

 

JANE

Umm...neat?

 

CHRISTIE

But enough about me, met any cute guys Jane?

 

JANE

Uhh...not as such...

 

CHRISTIE

Curiouser and Curiouser....

 

JANE

With all the work I've been doing, I haven't had time to...check out the sites...as it were

 

DARIA

Then what are you doing here?

 

JANE

What do you mean?

 

DARIA

If you have such a huge workload, shouldn't you be doing it instead of being here?

 

JANE

There's always time for pizza...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, from what my spies tell me...you've had a guy in your room a couple of times now...

 

JANE

Your spies?

 

CHRISTIE

Oh yeah....I'm everywhere...so, what about it?

 

JANE

What about what?

 

CHRISTIE

Have you had a guy in your dorm?

 

JANE

Maybe...maybe not

 

DARIA

Well, I've got to go before I vomit...

 

(Daria leaves)

 

CHRISTIE

But you didn't even order the cheese fries!

 

Scene VIII (INT, Evening, Radio Station)

 

PRESTON

I can't believe I let you talk me into this...

 

NEILL

Don't worry mate, she'll be right!

 

PRESTON

Who will?

 

NEILL

Don't worry....

 

(They step into Radio Booth)

 

(Randy comes out)

 

RANDY

You're 2 minutes late Hayden!....who's the guy?

 

NEILL

He's my new partner...

 

RANDY

Really? Because I heard you were the freshman Casanova, but if you swing that way.....good for you...

 

NEILL

Nah mate, he's my new radio presenter!

 

RANDY

What?

 

NEILL

The Alfie Langer Hour has a new member!

 

RANDY

You can't do that!

 

NEILL

Why not?

 

RANDY

Because....because....we'll get you yet Hayden!

 

(Randy disappears)

 

PRESTON

What the hell was that?

 

NEILL

Just some interpersonal politics, nothing major.....we're on in 30 seconds!

 

(Neill and Preston put on earphones)

 

NEILL

Nervous?

 

PRESTON

Kinda

 

NEILL

Don't worry mate, all we do is talk to people, and play songs, nothing major...

 

(Red light turns on)

 

NEILL

G'Day everybody! You're tuned in Raft College Radio, and you're listening to the Alfie Langer Tribute Hour, now with my good mate Preston, say hello Preston!

 

PRESTON

Uhh....hey...what's up people?

 

NEILL

Okay, for the next hour, we'll be taking through, I've got another patented Neill Hayden Challenge to put out to our listeners, got some solo stuff from outed front man of the Random Pigeons Brad Lee...now, Preston, you've heard this stuff, is it or is it not hot?

 

PRESTON

Hot like the sun?

 

NEILL

Damn straight! But right now, we're taking callers on anything you want to talk about....Girls, Guys

 

PRESTON

Marx's viewpoint on the false consciousness

 

NEILL

Or Beer. I believe we have our first caller for the afternoon; you're on the Alfie Langer Tribute Hour, what's on your mind?

 

CALLER

Hey Neill, I was just calling to ask if you had any advice about burnout.

 

PRESTON

If I may Neill

 

NEILL

Go right ahead mate!

 

PRESTON

There are a number of ways you can get your groove back after study. Like Yoga, or Tai Chi....

 

NEILL

Or just getting pissed...

 

CALLER

Cool...thanks Neill

 

NEILL

No worries mate...OK, I have an announcement here...would you do the honours Preston?

 

(Neill hand Preston piece of paper)

 

PRESTON

If I'm reading this correctly, there is going to be a RCR Live broadcast in two weeks time, because the last one was such a hit...

 

NEILL

And cold....very cold...

 

PRESTON

We'll be broadcasting from Raft Coffee House once again...so...get down there and support both the station and the coffee house...

 

NEILL

Because they make a macchiato like you wouldn't believe...anyhow, heres a message from Krazy Karl's Fish Supply!

 

(Neill hits console)

 

NEILL

See mate, you're doing beautifully!

 

PRESTON

That depends on your perspective...

 

Scene IX (INT, Night, Christie's Dorm)

 

(Christie enters her dorm, and turns on TV)

 

TV

Next, the exciting new reality series where a bunch of castaways are abandoned on an island, and live in a house, while competing in immunity challenges and finding love, all to win the respect from an eccentric billionaire!

 

CHRISTIE

Is it just me, or is reality TV even running out of ideas?

 

(Christie turns off Television set)

 

(Christie sits, bored, and then picks up the phone and dials)

 

ANSWERING MACHINE

Hi! You've reached Sandi and Renee, leave your name and number, and we may get back to you if we like you. How do you turn this thing off? I pushed the Red Button! (BEEP)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey Sandi, it's just me....wondering where you were, you're obviously not here...probably at work or something...so...I guess...yeah...just wanted to talk to you...okay...so...bye...

 

(Christie hangs up)

 

CHRISTIE

Wow, my eloquence will surely win her back!

 

(Christie stares at her books)

 

CHRISTIE

No...I don't think crustaceans are the answer here.....

 

(Christie lies on bed, and stares at ceiling)

 

(Christie gets up and goes up to dresser, before pulling out a small piece of paper)

 

(Christie walks over to phone and dials)

 

MAN

Hello?

 

CHRISTIE

I, uhh

 

(Christie hangs up)

 

CHRISTIE

What the hell is wrong with me? Do I need to get drunk first?

 

Scene X (INT, night, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Daria sitting on couch, reading)

 

(A knock at the door, Daria answers)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey

 

DARIA

Hey

 

CHRISTIE

Can I come in?

 

DARIA

Can I stop you?

 

CHRISTIE

I have a three inch height advantage, so you can try, but you'll be left wanting...

 

(Christie enters)

 

DARIA

So....what's up?

 

CHRISTIE

I just need to talk to somebody...anybody.

 

DARIA

You sure know how to make a girl feel loved....

 

(Christie sighs)

 

CHRISTIE

I wish I did know...

 

DARIA

What?

 

CHRISTIE

Nothing....so...what are you doing?

 

DARIA

Thinking...about stuff

 

CHRISTIE

About what?

 

DARIA

Manipulation and opportunity...

 

CHRISTIE

Huh?

 

DARIA

I realise now what you and Neill were doing...

 

CHRISTIE

About what?

 

DARIA

This whole, 'hey, let's convince Daria that she wants to jump Brad for our own amusement!'

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...yeah...

 

DARIA

Do I get an apology?

 

CHRISTIE

For what?

 

DARIA

You did hear what I just said didn't you?

 

CHRISTIE

To be fair Daria, we only did that out of respect for you...

 

DARIA

Huh?

 

CHRISTIE

Neill I saw much potential in you. You're a smart girl, and you could be very happy.

 

DARIA

I guess

 

CHRISTIE

But I think Neill was doing it for other reasons...I know it still won't change anything, so, I guess for my part, I'm sorry...

 

DARIA

That's okay

 

CHRISTIE

Besides,  you learned how to fel sexy, do you regret that?

 

DARIA

I....I guess not

 

CHRISTIE

And could you imagine us overtly coming to you and saying that you needed to be more assertive and sexy?

 

DARIA

I guess not...

 

CHRISTIE

And besides...you're still wearing the new look.

 

DARIA

You do have a point, and I do feel a little better...

 

CHRISTIE

We only did it out of good intentions...

 

DARIA

I can see that doing it any other way with me was akin to a blind man in a book store

 

CHRISTIE

How about next time we come up to you and discuss the issues...

 

DARIA

No...how about I find out about stuff by myself in the future?

 

CHRISTIE

I suppose that could work...I'll inform Neill

 

DARIA

I haven't seen Neill tonight; do you know where he is? Because I don't feel like eating from the cafeteria, and I can't go for Pizza with Jane, because she has some project to work on...

 

CHRISTIE

Last I heard, he was going to a bar with a girl he met...

 

DARIA

Well, seems like the old Neill is back

 

Scene XI (INT, night, McBride's Bar)

 

SANDI

Hey, can I get you something?

 

NEILL

Yeah, a beer would be grouse.

 

SANDI

Sure (gives Neill beer) you here alone?

 

NEILL

No, I'm waiting for somebody...

 

(Jane enters)

 

END

 

-Who is the man Christie is calling? Will Sandi and Christie's problems be resolved? Where to now for Daria? Why is Jane meeting Neill in McBride's? Who is Alfie Langer? All these questions and more, answered in coming episodes!-

 

 

(Authors notes)

 

**The mysterious man that Christie is calling will play an important role in the development of Christie and Sandi's relationship, without saying a word. Curious? I know I am! (Actually, I know what's going on, so I guess I'm not...)**

 

*Questions? Comments? Dope Rhymes? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *