THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
SPECIAL NUMBER ONE
A
GIRL CALLED DARLENE
(Daria heads down
under for a trip, and we learn about the challenges facing Neill)
Scene I (INT/EXT, Day,
Airport/Parking lot)
(Daria and Neill step off
plane)
NEILL
I love a sunburnt country
DARIA
And I love my countries to be
a milky white
NEILL
C'mon, Dezza will be waiting
for us
DARIA
Dezza? God I hope that isn't
his real name
NEILL
Nah, its Desmond. But if you
were called Desmond you'd want to cover it up right?
DARIA
Good point
(They walk to the entrance,
where the doors open, Neill continues to walk, but Daria stops in her tracks)
NEILL
Is everything alright Daria?
DARIA
Heat...
NEILL
Ahh....you just got hit by a wall
of flame eh?
DARIA
What is it? 110?
NEILL
There about...now you know how I
felt when I stepped off the plane...
DARIA
But it isn't 110 in
NEILL
No...it's not
DARIA
Oh...
NEILL
Yeah, I thought I was going to
die...C'mon, there'll be plenty of time for whinging later...
(They walk to the parking lot,
where a man in Jeans and a white shirt is standing in front of a Ute)
NEILL
Dezza!
DEZZA
Killer!
DARIA
Killer?
DEZZA
You must be Dazza!
DARIA
Excuse me?
NEILL
Dazza's your name in Ozzie
DEZZA
Hows it going Dazza?
DARIA
Apart from entering an
inferno, I can't complain
DEZZA
Don't you just love the heat?
DARIA
Like banging my head against a
wooden block
NEILL
You see, we Ozzies are proud of
the fact that our weather is hot in summer. It's just the way we are, for
example, we are proud of the fact that 8 out of the 10 most venomous snakes on
the planet are found here...
DARIA
You people find the weirdest
things to be proud of
NEILL
You know it luv
DEZZA
C'mon youse two, we better get
going if we want to reach the station by tomorrow
DARIA
Station?
NEILL
Yeah, we're going to the
outback, were staying at Hayden Station
DARIA
Goody
NEILL
Don't worry, there'll be no
farmhand work for you...Shannaz is up there taking the work
DARIA
Shannaz?
NEILL
My brother Shannon
DARIA
Oh
DEZZA
Holds the record for drinking
the most in 10 minutes...tell you what though, Killer here gave him a fairly good
shake...
NEILL
Well, there's no shame in losing
to Shannaz....the man's a freak...
Scene II (EXT, Night,
Outback)
DARIA
Sorry If I'm being rude, but
how far is it to this farm?
DEZZA
No worries Dazza, still about
300 Kilometres...we'll be there by morning
DARIA
So we're driving through the
night?
NEILL
Not quite, we're going to stop
somewhere
DARIA
Oh...there's a motel near here
DEZZA
There's a motel all around us
NEILL
And this motel has the best
lights you've ever seen...
DARIA
Wait....we're camping tonight
aren't we?
DEZZA
Bang on the money
NEILL
Don't worry Daria, she'll be
right.
DARIA
You know, you say that a lot.
If I remember correctly you said that about the Double D twins
NEILL
Hope and Harmony?
DARIA
Yeah
NEILL
I think given the distance of
half the world, they'll calm down...
DEZZA
I have a ripper of an idea,
let's make an early night of it....
(Dezza pulls over to bare
land)
(They all get out)
DEZZA
Right Killer, you and Dazza go
get some firewood, while I set up the tent
(Neill and Daria start to walk
off)
DEZZA
Hang on mate, you'd better
take the shottie with you
DARIA
Shottie?
(Neill walks over to back of
Ute and picks up shotgun)
DARIA
We need a gun to find
firewood?
NEILL
I know you don't like guns,
but there are dingoes and feral dogs in these parts, so it's a necessary evil.
DARIA
Oh...(uncomfortable
with the gun)
NEILL
You want to hold the shottie?
DARIA
What? No!
DEZZA
Go on Dazza...hold the shottie
DARIA
No thank you, I'm dangerous
with a sponge, let alone a lethal weapon
(Dezza and Neill laugh)
NEILL
Let's go before it gets too
dark out.
(Skip time to see Neill, Daria
and Dezza sitting around a fire)
DEZZA
So, Dazza, what's our boy been
up to?
DARIA
Well, what do you know?
DEZZA
Well, he's got some sort of
radio gig, he rooted sisters and paid for it and he's got a sweet root planned
for....
(Neill silently telling Dezza
to shut up)
DARIA
Well, that sounds about right...
(Yawns)
NEILL
Tired?
DARIA
Kinda
DEZZA
Well you go to bed while me and Killer take watch
DARIA
Sounds like a plan
(Skip time to see Daria asleep
to be awoken by a dingo howling)
FROM OUTSIDE
Neill: Sounded like it was
about a kilometre away, we'll be right
Dezza: Yeah, she'll be right
Neill: I only hope it didn't
wake up Daria...
(Daria puts head back on
pillow, and listens)
FROM OUTSIDE
Dezza: So, got something on
the go with this Dazza chick?
Neill: Nah mate, it's not like
that...
Dezza: I bet it isn't mate...
Neill: What are you implying
Dezza?
Dezza: Well, it does seem pretty
weird you bringing home a girl to meet Dad if you don't plan to root her
Neill: I'm not planning to
take her home to Dad as such, I'm just repaying some hospitality...
Dezza: Sure you are mate.
(Later, wee see Daria tossing
and turning, unable to get to sleep in the heat, so she wakes up to hear Neill
and Dezza talking again)
FROM OUTSIDE
Neill: It's like; I can't get
her out of my head you know?
Dezza: You going soft on me?
Neill: Don't think so, but I
haven't had a root about a month
Dezza: Stone the Crows! A
month! She really does have you rattled eh?
Neill: Yeah, she does, there's
just something about her I can't place
Dezza: So you got a plan?
Neill: Yeah, but the more I
think about it, the more I don't want to do it...I mean...she deserves better you
know?
(Daria wakes up in horror)
NEILL
You want to get some sleep
mate; I've got some thinking to do anyhow...
DEZZA
Probably should, seeing as I'm
driving
(Dezza goes to sleep in the
Ute)
Scene III (EXT, Day,
Hayden Station/ Stable)
(Daria, Dezza and Neill pull
into the station)
NEILL
Home sweet Home!
(They pull up to the
homestead)
(A man comes to greet them)
NEILL
Shannaz you bastard, how's it
going?
SHANNAZ
Can't complain...
NEILL
Oh yeah, Daria, Shannaz,
Shannaz, Daria
DARIA
Hey
SHANNAZ
Nice accent
NEILL
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you
Daria, you know how my accent helps me pick up in the States?
DARIA
Yes...all too vividly
NEILL
Well, it works in reverse as
well
DARIA
Oh God....
NEILL
Dezza, you think you could take
the bags while I take Daria to see the girls?
DEZZA
Sure
(Neill and Daria walk to a
stable)
NEILL
And this is where we keep the
fillies and mares
DARIA
You breed horses?
MAN
The finest in
NEILL
Dad, how's it going?
DAD
Can't complain....you must be
Daria...welcome to the country
DARIA
Thanks...nice to meet you...
DAD
No worries
NEILL
Dad? How long has
DAD
Due to give birth any day now...
NEILL
Won any group one's while I
was away?
DAD
Nah, but we got high hopes for
the foal
NEILL
How's the mother
doing...generally?
DAD
Pretty well...
DARIA
Are all these horses yours Mr
Hayden?
DAD
Yep, all except
DARIA
Ahh, I knew there was a reason
he was so concerned about the health of the animal...I knew it stemmed out of a
selfless concern...
(Neill chuckles)
NEILL
Anyway, let's get you set up
with a room Daria
DARIA
Sounds like a plan
(They walk off, while the
father inspects the horses)
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Daria's Room)
(Neill and Daria walk into a
room, decorated in a Victorian style)
DARIA
Wow...it's beautiful
NEILL
Nothing but the best for Miss
Daria
DARIA
I feel as if Mr Darcy is going
to come in soon
(They both look to door, and
to nobody's surprise, nothing happened)
DARIA
Well I guess I haven't lost
all contact with reality
NEILL
Contact...oh yeah...there's a
separate line phone in here, so you can call out without being disturbed by
us...feel free to call your folks or whatever...hey, how you going
temperature-wise?
DARIA
What? Neill? Is that you? I
thought I was hallucinating due to the heat....
NEILL
Because we'll go down to the
lake later for a quick dip if you want...
DARIA
Jane paid you for a picture of
me in a bikini didn't she?
NEILL
Yep, anyhow, I've got to go
make a phone call, so get comfortable...
(Neill exits)
(Daria tries the phone)
DARIA
Huh, that's weird, Jane's
phone is engaged.....well I could....
(Daria dials some more
numbers)
HELEN
Hello, I'll have those
depositions by Monday
DARIA
Well that's a relief; I
thought the case was looking shaky before you turned up...
HELEN
Daria!
DARIA
Last time I checked
HELEN
How's
DARIA
Hot. I can't believe you arranged
a passport for me...
HELEN
Well when Neill called us
about his plan, naturally we jumped at the chance to do something special for
our little girl...after Neill explained to your father that he was paying for the
tickets...
DARIA
Of course...so...how are...things?
HELEN
Well I'm keeping busy...
DARIA
Halliburton spill some oil?
HELEN
Your father...he....lost another
client
DARIA
That's the thing about ranting
about your father, it scares off people
HELEN
And Quinn is doing
surprisingly well in School...
DARIA
'Surprisingly'? And here I
thought you had faith in both of our abilities
HELEN
She got an A on an essay
DARIA
Hmm...
HELEN
What is it?
DARIA
It seems now I'm south of the
equator, everything north of it seems backward...anyhow, I've
got to go...
(Neill in background, packing
bag)
HELEN
OK, well don't forget to take
lots of pictures...we'll see you in a week
DARIA
Yeah (hangs up) I think I'll
try Jane again
(Dials number)
JANE
Damn you're eager, I just spoke
to you and a mere 5 seconds ago and yet you come back for more...
DARIA
Jane?
JANE
Uhh...Daria! How's the trip?
DARIA
Hot. What was that all about?
JANE
What...nothing....
DARIA
Whatever...how could you get
30,000 and not tell me?
JANE
Would've ruined the
surprise....you know me...I love a good surprise, as long as I'm not the one being
surprised
DARIA
I thought a dinner party in
the middle of the woods had an artistic quality to it...I knew Neill wouldn't
think of that...
JANE
You underestimate our boy, he
is an artist deep down I think....we talk...besides...he would've done something
grand if he had the money
DARIA
So...what are you going to do
with the money?
JANE
Tuition fees and art supplies
DARIA
How much do glue guns cost
these days?
JANE
Surprisingly expensive...anyhow,
I've got to go...I've had enough calls from south of the equator for one day...
DARIA
What?
JANE
Nothing...bye!
(Jane hangs up)
(Neill enters)
NEILL
So did you want to go for a
swim?
DARIA
Got any air-con?
NEILL
Nah
DARIA
Swim it is
(Neill throws Daria a helmet)
DARIA
We're travelling by cannonball?
NEILL
Not quite (puts on akubra)
Scene V (EXT, Late
Day, Stable)
DARIA
Oh no...I don't do horses
NEILL
You'll be right mate...you've
got a helmet...
DARIA
I am not riding a horse
NEILL
Bet you said that you'd never
wear contacts a long time ago, and here you are....do you regret that decision?
DARIA
Apart from the itching? No...I
suppose not
NEILL
Good...you can have blackie
(Daria looks at black horse)
DARIA
You people are so inventive
with your names
NEILL
You know it luv (he whistles,
and blackie comes over)
DARIA
These things are bigger in
real life
NEILL
Scared?
DARIA
Of the horse, no, of the fall,
yes
NEILL
You can't be scared, or the
horse won't respect you...let's get you up there
(Neill helps Daria get up on
the horse)
NEILL
Don't worry, I'll lead so
blackie will pretty much follow (gets up on a white horse)
DARIA
(On horse) giddup?
NEILL
Blackie won't respond to that...you've
got to use more authority...and show no fear...if you're worried, then the horse
gets worried, and would you want to carry a worried person on your back?
DARIA
I wouldn't want to carry
anyone on my back
NEILL
You know what I mean...
DARIA
Giddup or I'll sue you?
NEILL
You can do better than that...
DARIA
(Sighs) Go on! Giddup!
(Blackie breaks into a trot)
(Daria looks very concerned)
NEILL
No fear!
(Daria re-adjusts)
NEILL
Go on Sugar...
(Sugar begins a fast trot in
front of blackie)
Scene VI (EXT, Early
evening, Creek)
(Daria and Neill pull up to a
creek)
NEILL
Back off sugar
(Sugar stops, and blackie
does, responding to Sugar)
DARIA
(Regarding creek)...wow...it's
beautiful
NEILL
Nice spot isn't it? (Gets off
horse with ease)
(Daria falls of horse trying
to dismount)
(Neill laughs)
DARIA
That's not funny!
NEILL
Yes it is! (Full blown laugh)
where's a video camera when you need one?
DARIA
I will kill you, and feed you
to the horses
NEILL
Okay Okay Daria, take a joke....(Ties up horses)...here (throws Daria backpack)
DARIA
What is it?
NEILL
You're bathing suits in there
DARIA
Oh....(looks
around)
NEILL
There are no changing rooms,
just the bush
DARIA
Oh...(blushes)
NEILL
Don't worry, I wont look,
besides, I've already seen the merchandise
(Daria gives Neill an evil
look)
NEILL
What?
(Daria walks off)
(Skip time, Daria and Neill
are at waters edge, Daria in her green bikini, Neill in white board shorts)
NEILL
Oh, I almost forgot...(takes photo of Daria)...don't look at me, Jane wanted the
picture...
DARIA
You just made the list...
NEILL
I'm jumping off those rocks
over there....want to come?
(Daria regards cliff face over
water)
DARIA
No...I'll be just fine here....
NEILL
Okay, but if you want to go
for a swim...in the cool, refreshing water...you know where I am...
DARIA
Damn you...
(They both walk onto natural
platform, while Daria looks down)
DARIA
You know what, I think I left
my glasses back at the station...(starts to walk away, when
Neill grabs her)
NEILL
I'm surprised that you don't
want to take a leap of faith Daria!
DARIA
Damn you Hayden...
NEILL
Especially into croc infested
waters...
DARIA
What?
(Neill grabs Daria and throws
her over edge)
(Daria emerges from water
distressed)
NEILL
(Shouting from cliff) Don't
worry, I was just kidding you...there are no crocs here... (Jumps in)
(Skip time to where Daria and
Neill are swimming around)
NEILL
See, isn't this nice?
DARIA
Yes...surprisingly...
NEILL
We should be getting back
now....
DARIA
OK
Scene VII (INT/EXT,
Late morning, Homestead/cricket ground)
(TWO DAYS LATER)
(Daria wakes up and walks
around the homestead, to find it abandoned, except for Dezza, who is reading a
newspaper)
DEZZA
G'day Dazza
DARIA
Hey...where is everybody?
DEZZA
(Looks at watch) I imagine
they're all down at the oval
DARIA
The oval? Some sort of
Australian night club?
DEZZA
Nah...Neill's first game back
DARIA
Oh....why aren't you there?
DEZZA
Someone had to play good host,
besides, its bushfire season...Dad doesn't like to leave the homestead unless
there's somebody here to protect it...did you want a lift?
DARIA
Sure...
(Skip to Oval, where people
are playing cricket)
(Dezza beeps as Daria gets out
of the car, and walks over to the oval as she tries to find Neill)
(She looks around, but then
finds Neill's father and Shannaz)
(Daria walks to them)
DARIA
Hey...have you guys seen Neill?
DAD
You're just in time, Killer's
on 99
DARIA
Excuse me?
SHANNAZ
Just watch
(Daria turns her attention to
the proceedings)
(Neill drives on the up
through cover for four)
(The crowd sound their
appreciation...including many car horns going off)
(Neill runs across, takes off his
helmet and salutes the crowd with his bat, noticing Daria, he salutes her)
DARIA
What just happened?
DAD
Neill just made a century
SHANNAZ
Which is the equivalent of.....I
dunno...but it's really good
DARIA
Oh...
DAD
You know it's funny, he turned
down a Cricket Academy scholarship to go to Raft, it was funny because he
always treated cricket like it was his life...don't get me wrong, he loves other
sports...but he always demanded perfection from himself...and then he reaches the
holy grail and he leaves....I guess being a left-handed opener from Queensland
called Hayden put some pressure on him...but that was the dream...but instead he
goes stateside...
SHANNAZ
Yeah
DAD
Do you mind if we ask you
about what Neill has been up to?
DARIA
Can't hurt...
DAD
What is he intending to major
in?
DARIA
Economics I think...
SHANNAZ
Well he has been doing our tax
returns since he was 6, but I thought he would have done Literature or
something like that
DARIA
Excuse me?
DAD
My boys very smart...he can do
anything he wants...and he did always have a really big imagination...so we thought
he'd do something like that
DARIA
Something like what?
SHANNAZ
You know...creative
DARIA
Creative?
DAD
Yeah, as a kid he was always
making up these stories...I remember him writing these stories about an
accountant, who was so scared of not crossing a T or dotting an I, because the
accountancy Gods were going to take him away....anyway, he was so scared that he
spent more than a year on each Tax return, but they were the best Tax returns
anybody had ever seen, so he got more work, which led to more tax returns...never
got to see how it ended, he just stopped one day...
SHANNAZ
Yeah, we knew he was a smart
arse but we had no idea that he could imagine such stuff up...
DARIA
He doesn't strike me as the
creative sort, unless we're talking ways to sleep with the freshman class, then
he can be very creative...
(Skip Time to Neill and
players dispersing from ground)
DAD
Good knock mate
SHANNAZ
Yeah, haven't lost any touch
champ
NEILL
It was pretty mentally tough
today to get in the zone, but once I was there, everything else flowed
DARIA
Umm....good....knock
NEILL
I'm surprised you came
down...cricket doesn't seem like your sport...what is your sport?
DARIA
TV is a sport if you do it
right....
SHANNAZ
Killer, you've got to let me
shout you a drink...189 not out is a pretty damn good score...
NEILL
It ain't 190
SHANNAZ
Whatever mate
NEILL
Don't know if I should...got to play
good host...it's Daria's last night here anyhow....we head out for the airport
tomorrow morning
SHANNAZ
Dazza can come with us
NEILL
I dunno if it's her scene...
DARIA
I'll go
NEILL
Daria?
DARIA
It can't be worse than jumping
into crocodile infested water
Scene VIII (INT,
Night, Pub)
(Daria, Shannaz and Neill
enter)
SHANNAZ
My shout!
(Cry of joy from patrons)
NEILL
Did you want anything Daria?
DARIA
I'll be fine...
NEILL
(To bar tender) Gold thanks
mate
(Bar tender gives Neill beer)
MAN
Killer mate! 189 coming back
from the States! You bastard!
NEILL
It was nothing
MAN
(To Daria) This guy is a
modest bastard or what?
DARIA
He sure is...
MAN
So, gonna get pissed tonight?
NEILL
Better not, Daria needs a lift
home, and (looks at Shannaz) I can't see Shannaz staying sober
SHANNAZ
Got that right mate!
(Skip time)
(Daria and Neill are sitting
at the bar)
NEILL
So, those are the rules of
cricket
DARIA
Wow, I never thought a game
could be so convoluted
NEILL
It's not just the rules, it's
the way you play the game.
DARIA
I saw this once on an
after-school special...
NEILL
Nah...it's not like that...I like
to think of cricket as a metaphor for life. It's all about showing technique.
The perfectly executed cover drive for one can be better than a slog sweep for
six in my opinion. It's all about trying to achieve perfection with each
ball...but it's also about showing guts and determination. You know? It's like,
you're facing a quartet of the meanest quicks all day, they hit you several
times, but at the end of it all you've got to be able to stand up and say 'is
that all you got?' and then play an innings...feel you're way into it, leave a
couple of balls, start with nudges for singles, and then really open up with
well timed drives....
DARIA
I only got half of what you
said...but I think I get what you're trying to say....cricket's about perfection?
NEILL
Exactly...that's why I love it...
DARIA
I heard you wrote stories as a
kid
NEILL
Yeah, I guess I did...
DARIA
It was about an accountant
that was transfixed by perfection, and the fear of failure?
NEILL
If I remember correctly
DARIA
Because those are topics a kid
should be able to write about...
NEILL
It was a long time ago...I
remember thinking that this characters quest for perfection, and consequent
fear of failure was really stupid...because if he really wanted to be happy, he'd
fail more times than he would count, he'd be poor, but happy...
DARIA
Neill?
NEILL
Yeah?
DARIA
Can you see....any parallels?
NEILL
I guess so...I'm trying...can I
ask you a question?
DARIA
You already have
NEILL
Let's say you've got this
thing to do that somebody asks you to do, but you know it will in the long run
hurt them...because you can't see the commitment through...and you think this
person is amazing and you don't want to hurt them under any circumstances...
DARIA
Who were you talking to a
couple of days ago?
NEILL
What do you mean?
DARIA
I was talking to mom, and you
were talking to someone on the other line...who was it?
NEILL
Someone I don't want to
hurt...but I've got to...
DARIA
Why?
NEILL
Just got to...
(Shannaz starts to lead a
rendition of a drunken 'Working Class Man')
(Dezza enters)
NEILL
Dezza mate!
(Dezza looks disconcerted)
NEILL
What is it?
DEZZA
It's
NEILL
What?
DEZZA
She's giving birth, come
quickly
(Neill and Dezza run out of
bar, followed by Daria)
Scene IX (EXT, Night,
Stable)
Neill runs over to stable, to
jump over fence)
NEILL
How far is she in?
DAD
About half-way
(Dezza and Daria come close
behind)
NEILL
Dezza, go get some towels now!
(Dezza runs into homestead)
NEILL
Daria, there's some bedding in
the linen closet in your room, go now!
(Daria looks confused, and
then runs off)
(Skip time, to a foal
delivered, with mother, and Mr Hayden, Daria, Dezza and Neill standing nearby)
DAD
Everything looks good, but the
vet will be here in the morning for a check-up
NEILL
Good...Daria...I'm surprised you
didn't faint
DARIA
You met my sister, after
living with her for 16 years, I'm ready for anything...
NEILL
Fair call...
DEZZA
Your first foal eh Neill?
NEILL
Yeah...freaky...
DAD
You know, the foal has a look
of a runner in her....
NEILL
You're right...
DARIA
What's her name?
(Neill considers)
NEILL
Haven't thought about it
DAD
All good race horses have 7
letter names...like Phar Lap
DEZZA
So what's it going to be?
(Neill considers and looks at
Daria)
NEILL
Hmm....a birth of something...How
about Darlene?
(Daria give Neill a Mona Lisa
smile)
END
-Will Neill do what he has to do?
Will Daria continue her development? Will Helen have those depositions in on
time? Will Quinn continue on the path of academic excellence? Can you handle
the Truth? All these questions and more answered in Season 2 of 'The Rest of my
Damn Life'-
(Authors notes)
**Well, that's a very special
episode of it done! I plan to alternate these special episodes through each
character focus, but they'll change format. (i.e. It
may be something silly like a Q+A with one of the characters) I hope that
clears up any misconceptions about Neill's character, and helps underlie
Daria's strength in this universe**
*Questions? Comments? Rules of
Cricket? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*