THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 13
THE
LEGEND OF RICK McCOSKER
(Mr Hamilton has some bad
news, while Neill sees snow for the first time)
Scene I (INT, Day,
Library)
(Daria is sitting in the
Library, studying, all the while wearing her new casual look, when Christie
enters)
CHRISTIE
Cracking the books?
DARIA
Yeah, my exams tomorrow
CHRISTIE
Yeah...mine too...but my studies
have been made all the harder by the fact that the biology section is
always...shall we say...occupied
(Daria looks at her
quizzically)
CHRISTIE
Just stay out of the biology
section...you could run the risk of seeing Neill putting the moves on half the
cheer squad...oh wait...you've already seen that first hand...
DARIA
You know about that? Wait...what
did Neill tell you?...because I didn't do anything...
CHRISTIE
Relax Little Miss Sexpot...he
said it was a mistake...but at least now you know you can have that type of
pull....
DARIA
Yes, to half asleep men who have been overworked...Indeed I feel sexy (In
an unconvincing tone)
CHRISTIE
There's something you're not
telling me...
DARIA
Yes...just about the nuclear
research station...whoops...
CHRISTIE
Daria...
DARIA
Fine...I won't say that it
wasn't entirely not flattering...
CHRISTIE
In English?
DARIA
I did feel...(mumbles)
CHRISTIE
What's this? Young Daria has a
crush on her roommate? Classic.
DARIA
No...it's not like that...it's
just that...it's the first time somebody's tried to you know...
CHRISTIE
Put the moves on you? Don't
you have an ex?
DARIA
Yeah...but he was always the
perfect gentleman...as such
CHRISTIE
Don't all guys try to put the
moves on you?
DARIA
Apparently...that's why it was
weird for me...what...happened...or didn't...
CHRISTIE
Sounds like our little girl is
growing up...
DARIA
I want a lollypop
CHRISTIE
Don't try to deny it
Daria...pretty soon you could be involved in a three way with a Norwegian midget
named Jorgen and a goat...
DARIA
I have to leave now
(Daria picks up her books and
runs off)
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria! Don't spoil a
girl's fun like that!
(
Sup? Was that just Daria?
CHRISTIE
Yeah, I know...it's her new look
Damn...I thought there was a
fine honey under all that...
CHRISTIE
Yes indeed...our young girl is
becoming a woman...
I hear that...so...what's up?
CHRISTIE
Nothing much, just continuing
my hot, steamy love affair on the Isle of Lesbian Love...
Not cool...last time you made me
faint I thought I was dead for 2 minutes....
Scene II (INT, Early
Afternoon, Radio Station)
NEILL
And that's it for me...for the
semester actually, but rest assured, Neill Hayden will be back next semester,
bigger and better than ever before! I have some pretty big plans for the show,
so don't forget to tune into RCR next semester as the Alfie Langer Half Hour
tribute show goes the tonk! Stay tuned for the Randy Goat...until next semester,
I'm outta here!
RANDY
Good show...not great but
good...so you've done all your saving I see?
NEILL
Yep...now I've done my exams and
I have the money I need, all I can do is lie around until departure time
RANDY
Well, I've got to say, I
thought you were a one hit wonder, but you ended up being our number one show...first
time for a freshman as well
NEILL
Above Mystic Clara's gossip
show?
RANDY
Yeah
NEILL
That's a travesty...an absolute
travesty
RANDY
Here, I know you're not
leaving for a while, but I got you something for pulling in new members... (Hands
Neill a box)
NEILL
(Opens box) It's a black
robe....
RANDY
Yes... (Closes sound-proof
door)...my superiors would like to bring you into the fold...
NEILL
The fold of what?
RANDY
Since this college was
founded, there has been a secret order...
NEILL
I don't have to read poetry do
I?
RANDY
That has been privy to the
inner workings of the campus...
NEILL
Wait...I'm being accepted into
some sort of secret society?
RANDY
The Black Doves...for years
controlling the output of this institution...
NEILL
Shouldn't you have dragged me
off in the night or something?
RANDY
Yes...but because of your size,
we couldn't find a body bag for you...
NEILL
Oh
RANDY
You should consider it a great
honour...you're he first international student to be considered for membership
NEILL
I'm sure it is...but I'll have
to think about it mate...
RANDY
By all means...just come back
when you're ready...I don't have to tell you not to tell anybody
NEILL
Got it...mum's the word...
Scene III (INT, Day,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria sitting on couch,
reading, when Neill enters)
NEILL
What's the good word short
stuff?
DARIA
Indifference
NEILL
Guess I walked right into that
one...so...what's goin' on?
DARIA
Nothing much...waiting for Brad
NEILL
Oh, is today when you put the
moves on him...because I can leave...and there's a camera in my room if that gets
you revved up...
DARIA
No...we're studying for the exam
tomorrow...
NEILL
Whatever you want to call it
short stuff
(It starts to snow outside)
NEILL
Is...Is that snow?
DARIA
Well spotted Watson
NEILL
Excuse me
(Neill runs out of dorm)
(Brad is brushed by Neill when
he enters)
BRAD
Whoa...what's up with him?
DARIA
Dropped on his head a child...so...ready
for that exam tomorrow?
BRAD
Pretty much...thanks to you...
DARIA
Oh stop....ok...don't stop
BRAD
I think this is the first time
I haven't been worried about an exam in my life...
DARIA
Well, it's been all you...I just
gave you the tools...you made the house...as such...
BRAD
Yeah...by the way...I wanted to
thank you...but you weren't here about a month ago...I wrote a song for you...
DARIA
Wait...The Post modern girl with
the Mona Lisa smile?
BRAD
Yeah
DARIA
Oh....so....it was a thank you?
BRAD
Yeah...for the first time in my
life I feel like I'm not about to fail...
DARIA
Well, I'm sorry I missed
it...maybe at the next gig
BRAD
There won't be a next gig....the
band broke up
DARIA
Really? I didn't see any
Japanese conceptual artists on campus...
BRAD
I left...people were messing with
my mind...trying to make me see things that weren't really there...
DARIA
Hmm...
BRAD
Penny for your thoughts?
DARIA
Just thinking about people
manipulating me to see things that aren't really there...
BRAD
You don't play anything do
you?
DARIA
I can play pop goes the weasel
on the flute...but that's the extent of my musical talent...wait...I can play an old
man's blues in a pinch...
BRAD
Damn....hmm...(regarding
window)...snow...holidays are soon...
DARIA
Yeah....I guess so... (Regards
window)
(We see Neill dancing in the
snow and laughing like a schoolchild)
(Zoom to window)
Scene IV (EXT, Day,
Courtyard)
(Zoom to Neill playing in
snow, Christie walks by)
CHRISTIE
Neill, what are you doing? The
neighbours are starting to stare
NEILL
It's snowing!
CHRISTIE
Yes....it is...oh...is this...?
NEILL
It's snowing!
CHRISTIE
This is the first time you've
seen snow...isn't it?
NEILL
(Laughing) Packs a snowball
and throws it at Christie
(Christie falls back at
getting hit by snowball)
CHRISTIE
Oh...that's it...you're going down
Lurch!
(Time passes)
(Sandi approaches)
SANDI
What the hell Christie! I was
supposed to meet you at you're dorm about 40 minutes ago!
CHRISTIE
I thought I still had...(checks watch)...oh...sorry...lost track of time...
SANDI
Well, I guess it's ok...so...what
are you kids doing?
NEILL
Building a snowman
SANDI
A snowman?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...it's going to be pretty
damn good, if I may say so myself...
SANDI
Who the hell builds a snowman?...sounds like something kids would do...
NEILL
Well, I'm making up for lost
time....
(Sandi considers)
SANDI
Oh....this is your first time
isn't it?
NEILL
Yep...I'm a snow virgin
CHRISTIE
Well, I couldn't imagine you
being the other kind...
NEILL
What? A sun virgin? I grew up
in the outback....
SANDI
You're just kidding right?
NEILL
Of course!...hang on...I think
living with Daria has affected my sense of humour...
(Christie packs a snowball,
and throws it at Sandi)
SANDI
Oh...that's it...first you stand
me up and then you throw a snowball at me?... (Starts packing snowball) you're
going down...going downtown...
NEILL
Downtown?
SANDI
I was never good at smack
talk... (Throws snowball at Christie)
(Neill, Sandi and Christie are
now immersed in a snowball fight)
(Steven walks by)
STEVEN
Hey Christie, its cold out, I
got a fire where we can get warm together
CHRISTIE
And pray tell where this fire
is?
(Steven looks apprehensive)
NEILL
Go on mate...its gold...
STEVEN
The fire is....in my pants...
SANDI
I take it you taught him that
Neill?
NEILL
Well, it's not like I do
anything at training, so I do my homework and teach Steven new innuendoes...
SANDI
Innuendoes hey?
NEILL
Go on mate
STEVEN
In your endo...
CHRISTIE
Wow, he's even more piggish
than before...my hat goes off to you Neill
NEILL
It's what I do
Scene V (INT, Day,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria and brad sitting at
table, reading various texts)
BRAD
You know...its like; once you
get over the big words...everything becomes clear...
DARIA
Yes...damn those big
words...always there to confuse people. They say if Lee Harvey Oswald was able to
read those big words, he would've been distracted by all the books...and JFK
would have lived. At least that's what they say in certain chat rooms...
BRAD
Really? Cool...
(Daria looks out window)
DARIA
Wow...snowball fight...
BRAD
Really?
DARIA
I'm not a huge fan of getting
hit in the head with ice, so I think I'll just stay here
(Puts head back down, while
Brad is distracted by the activity outside)
DARIA
Damn...these contacts are
itching like hell...hang on...I'll be right back
(Daria goes to bathroom, while
Brad hits the books again)
(There is a knock at the door,
so Brad answers the door)
BRAD
Hello?
Hey...Daria home?
BRAD
Who are you?
Who are you? This is Daria's
dorm right?
BRAD
Maybe...what's it to you?
Is Daria home?
BRAD
Who are you?
Man...are you high right now?
BRAD
What's it to you?
Listen, I'm looking for Daria
Morgandorffer...is she here?
BRAD
Sure she's here
Tell her that Mr Hamilton
wants to see us right away
BRAD
Ok, whatever dude. (Shuts door
in
Cracker
BRAD
Daria, Mr Hamilton wants to
see you right away apparently...
(Daria leaves bathroom with
glasses on)
DARIA
What?
BRAD
Yeah...some guy came to the door
and said that you had to see him...
DARIA
Did you get this person's
name?
BRAD
I tried...but he was being all
sketchy...
DARIA
I better go and sort this out...
(Daria departs)
BRAD
Hmm...I wonder if Neill has any
beer around
(Daria comes back in)
DARIA
And I wouldn't touch Neill's
beer if I were you...he's very...territorial about it
BRAD
Dang
Scene VI (INT, Day, Mr
Hamilton's Office)
(Mr Hamilton and
MR HAMILTON
Ahh Daria, there you are...sorry
to tear you away from your studies like this...
DARIA
Define 'tear'
(Mr Hamilton chuckles)
MR HAMILTON
Can I get you some coffee?
Tea?
DARIA
I'll be fine
The man makes a fine brew
MR HAMILTON
Now, the cordialities are out
of the way...the reason why you both are here...
DARIA
Yes?
MR HAMILTON
I'm afraid I've had some
rather bad news...
Spike Lee is going commercial?
MR HAMILTON
No no no....he's already gone
commercial...this has to do with the course I was running
DARIA
Was?
MR HAMILTON
Well, Mr Black found out that
we may need a lecture hall with a screen in it...and thought it was too much of
an expense. I swear...the standards of this College have dropped during his
deanship... so anyhow...the course is off for the time being...
Damn...I was actually looking
forward to challenging myself...
DARIA
What do we do about enrolment
for next semester?
MR HAMILTON
You enrol as normal...but I do
have a proposition for you both...
DARIA
It isn't some kind of death
sport is it?
MR HAMILTON
What? No...I have noticed that
you two are quite the most promising students that have passed through these
halls in quite some time
Where are you white people
getting your drugs from?
(Mr Hamilton chuckles)
MR HAMITLON
As I have said, standards for
domestic students have dropped, and subsequently to balance this...academic
requirements have been dropped, so instead of going to a fine college, you two
are going to an ok college, not nearly the institution it used to be.
DARIA
Is this going somewhere?
MR HAMILTON
I'm sorry, I must be waffling
again. What I wanted to ask you two is do you want to work on a research
assignment I'm doing?
Say what?
MR HAMILTON
I would like to offer you two
positions on my undergraduate research team...
Would we get course credit for
it?
MR HAMILTON
Ahh...that's the snag....it won't
be recognised as a course credit...but it will look good on any resume...and you
will receive a very small stipend for your services...
DARIA
So I take it we'll have this
position in conjunction with our normal schedule?
MR HAMILTON
Unfortunately yes...it's just
that both of you were really looking forward to challenging yourselves...
I'll have to think about it...
MR HAMILTON
Of course...take all the time
you need. Just come back before the commencement of the next term. If I'm not
here, I'll be wintering in
Scene VII (EXT,
Afternoon, Courtyard)
(Daria and
So, going to take the
position?
DARIA
I'll have to think about it, I
mean, in between my job and study load, I hardly ever have time to take over
the free world anymore, let alone become part of a research team...
Yeah, maybe if he told us what
we were researching, then maybe I'd be more interested
DARIA
Tell me about it, if I knew we
were going to research literature during the plague years, I'd be in.
Sometimes you scare me Daria
DARIA
I scare a lot of people, just
buckle up and enjoy the ride...
Will do...by the way...what
happened to the contacts?
DARIA
They were itching like hell...so
I took them out
But wasn't the point of you
new look to look better
DARIA
And who says I don't look good
in my glasses?
Right on...
DARIA
I don't need contacts to feel
sexy. If I want to look sexy, I'll put them in...but the glasses have always been
there for me...they've defined me, so before I start bowing to convention set
by middle managers appealing to a demographic, I think I'll keep my glasses...
I was just asking why no
contacts Daria...damn...and one thing...
DARIA
Yes?
If you're not bowing to
convention, then why do you still have the new outfit on?
(Daria stops and looks at
(Christie runs up)
CHRISTIE
Okay, here's the deal, a
campus wide snowball fight is going on.
DARIA
Excuse me?
CHRISTIE
You heard me...now break!
DARIA
What makes you think I want to
be part of a snowball fight?
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria! Everybody loves
a snowball fight!
The woman has a point
DARIA
I just don't want to...that's
all...why am I being forced into a fight I don't want?
CHRISTIE
Nobody's forcing you
Daria...we'd just like you to join the rest of us
Sounds OK
CHRISTIE
See Daria. Nothing to be
afraid of...everybody is enjoying themselves
DARIA
Well maybe I don't want to
enjoy myself. Maybe I have an exam tomorrow and I want to study. Come to think
of it, don't you have an exam tomorrow as well Christie?
CHRISTIE
Yes, but you can't live to
principle Daria. Sometimes to stay sane during college, and life, you have to
let your hair down a bit...
Come On Daria! It'll be fun!
DARIA
Listen, I don't want to be
part of your world... (Daria blushes and leaves)
CHRISTIE
What the hell was that all
about?
No Idea...say...what team are you
on?
CHRISTIE
Red Team...and I just happen to
have a snowball right here
I see... (Runs for life)
CHRISTIE
Come back here and take your
punishment like a man!
Scene VIII (INT, Late
Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Brad is studying, when Daria
enters)
BRAD
Sup Daria?
DARIA
Nothing much
BRAD
What was that meeting about?
DARIA
I may not be leaving your
class after all
BRAD
Cool
DARIA
Kinda, I was looking forward
to challenging myself though...
BRAD
What do you mean?
DARIA
I always thought that College
would provide a challenge...but I got here and found the work ridiculously easy
BRAD
A challenge you say?
DARIA
Yeah, I wanted something that
would challenge my beliefs on certain things, but I found that no matter how
many texts the course set aside, I had read them already...
(Daria looks out window to
look at people in snowball fight)
BRAD
What you lookin' at?
DARIA
Just people getting pneumonia...
BRAD
Cool...snowball fight...
DARIA
What are they? 12?
(Brad looks at Catcher on the
BRAD
So...what were you doing when
you were 12?
DARIA
Lemme guess. The first thing
you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood
was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all
that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if
you want to know the truth...
(Brad looks stunned)
DARIA
What?
BRAD
Nothing...it's just that...
DARIA
Just What Brad?
BRAD
You just recited the opening
paragraph to Catcher in the
(Daria's turn to look stunned)
BRAD
Yeah...
DARIA
I did, didn't I?
(Daria looks out of window
again)
BRAD
Anything you want to talk
about?
DARIA
Not really...
BRAD
Maybe about how you don't want
to become involved....in the snowball fight
DARIA
I don't see the point of
running around trying to hit each other with balls of ice is all...
BRAD
Sounds like something kids
would do
DARIA
Yeah...
BRAD
Did you ever play with
snowballs when you were a kid?
DARIA
Not that I know of...I like to
read
BRAD
I know I'm new at this stuff...but
could the snowball fight be a metaphor for something?
DARIA
Maybe
BRAD
It's like, you don't want to
let go of something....but at the same time, that's what you've been trying to do
your whole life...you've been trying to let go of the past...something that hurt
you in the past. You make strides, but you can't seem to go that last step. You
know chances are that you'll actually be happy once you do it, but you can't
bring yourself to utter the words...
DARIA
We aren't talking about me...are
we?
BRAD
Maybe....
DARIA
I've got to go.....damn
Brad....why did you have to go and open you're god damn mouth?
BRAD
What?
DARIA
Sorry...I didn't mean it like
that...it's just that...I got to go...
(Daria exits, to the confusion
of Brad)
Scene IX (EXT, Early
Evening, Courtyard)
(Neill is behind a wall,
stockpiling snowballs, when Daria joins him)
NEILL
Daria? What's the good word
short stuff?
DARIA
Acceptance
NEILL
What?
DARIA
Can I talk to you?
NEILL
Anytime Luv...
DARIA
It's important...
NEILL
Oh...I can go and get Christie if
you like...I think she's still harassing
DARIA
I'd much rather talk to you...
NEILL
Ok, well make yourself useful
and start making snowballs...
(Daria and Neill start packing
snowballs)
DARIA
I just feel so weak sometimes...
NEILL
You haven't been eating Brad's
brownies have you?
DARIA
No...it's just that...
NEILL
What?
DARIA
Let's just say you have this
problem...you try to overcome it...you make cosmetic changes, hoping that you can
let go of the world you're trying to leave behind, but now you're faced with a
seemingly minor challenge...but you can't overcome it...
NEILL
Mmm....Daria...you've never heard
of Rick McCosker have you?
DARIA
No...
NEILL
Well, it was the centenary
test match against the old enemy, when he gets his jaw broken and has to go off
the field. Now,
DARIA
I think I get it...
NEILL
Daria, you may be feeling
weak...but you have more strength than you'll ever know.
DARIA
I doubt it
NEILL
Let's recap shall we? When I
first met you...I don't mind admitting that I was a little put off by you...and the
only reason I let you stay was because so people wouldn't stick around when
they...slept over...but then I got to know you...and you changed...
DARIA
I did?
NEILL
Yeah, I saw that when I was in
DARIA
Oh...
NEILL
So I started to objectively
look at the facts...I've seen you nude, you've seen me nude, I've accidentally
tried to seduce you, you've forged a relationship with a lesbian and you
haven't run away. You've grown.
DARIA
Ok...but now I've got this one
hurdle to get over...and I can't handle it
NEILL
Well, tell me about the hurdle
DARIA
It's like I can see that
people are being stupid...but I can also see that they're having fun. I can't
stop seeing it as stupid...I just can't let go and have fun...I can't fully go into
that world of not worrying about everything...I can't let go...
NEILL
You will one day...and then
you'll be the person you were meant to be, you would have sampled the grass on
either side, and decide which side is greener...
DARIA
How do you know so much?
NEILL
Well, let's just say that half
the reason I came to this country was to let go...I can't do it. I know there
will be a time where I can get on with my life...but not right now. You remember
when I said that we were two different sides of the same coin?
DARIA
Vaguely
NEILL
Well, I meant it. We're at two
extremes. And to see that you're making huge strides to finding the edge...it
gives me hope...it really does.
DARIA
Are you drunk?
NEILL
Not yet...but the night is
young... (Hands Daria a snowball)
(Christie walks by)
NEILL
I think you'd feel better if
you threw a snowball
DARIA
Maybe I would...
(Stands up and hits Christie
with a snowball)
CHRISTIE
(Shocked, falls backwards)
Daria? You have deserted the red team?
DARIA
I guess so
CHRISTIE
You know the punishment for
desertion..... (Throws snowball at Daria)
DARIA
Oww! Bitch! You're going down!
(Daria and Christie start to
chase each other around with snowballs)
NEILL
Well, I guess my work is done
(Brad sits down next to Neill)
BRAD
Hey dude
NEILL
I guess my work isn't done
BRAD
What?
NEILL
Nothing...so...Daria show you a
good time eh champ?
BRAD
Wha?...we studied for
tomorrow's exam...
NEILL
If that's what you want to
call it...
BRAD
Can I talk to you?
NEILL
Sure...but you'll owe me a beer...
BRAD
You ever faced with a problem
that you just can't overcome because of something in your past?
NEILL
Is this about Daria?
BRAD
Kinda...how would you know?
NEILL
Remember, I'm observant
BRAD
Cool...anyhow I just can't get
over this hurdle...
NEILL
Have you ever heard of Rick
McCosker?
END
-What's Brad's hurdle? What's
Neill's big plan? Is Jane a part of this plan? Will Daria and
(Authors Notes)
**Stand by for the Final
episode sports fans! Full of thrills, spills, and awkward social graces!**
*Questions? Comments? Pez? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *