THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 12
TEMPORARY
CONFUSION
(Daria updates her look, while Brad muses on
his feelings for Daria)
Scene I (INT, Morning,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria and Christie are
watching the TV screen)
DARIA
My money's on the fat one
CHRISTIE
They're all fat...
DARIA
The really fat one
CHRISTIE
I think the one with the
glasses cracks first
(Shot of TV screen, where 'the
really fat one' steps onto the scales)
ANNOUNCER
Wow! You've lost 10 pounds!
DARIA
Come on......it's a big
achievement....don't be scared to let out a little emotion
CHRISTIE
Hold it together!
('The really fat one' tears
up, and then breaks down)
CHRISTIE
Damn!
DARIA
That's 40 clams
(Christie begrudgingly hand
over $40)
CHRISTIE
Sandi and I were going to the
movies tonight.....
DARIA
Nice try, you'll get no pity
from me, you chose the one with the glasses, now deal with it...
CHRISTIE
Damn...hey...I'm sorry we haven't
hung out much lately...
DARIA
It's okay...you're in a new
relationship and I'm the third wheel, besides there's always work
CHRISTIE
Yeah, I guess. But at work you
have to put with me being all cheery and stuff
DARIA
I have to anyway, you've been
cheery as the sunny shores of hell since you and Sandi...got together....
CHRISTIE
Yeah...well...that'll happen...so,
what went down at
DARIA
Neill hit on my best friend,
my sister hit on Neill, and my parents assumed Neill and I were a couple...so all
in all, a pretty good weekend.
CHRISTIE
Sounds cool. Come to a
decision about Brad yet?
DARIA
Kind of...it's hard...Neill said
some stuff that made a lot of sense...and he is really observant...so I can't say
what he said isn't true...
CHRISTIE
And what exactly did he say?
DARIA
Some stuff
CHRISTIE
It's about sex isn't it?
DARIA
Kinda...how did you know?
CHRISTIE
Number one. All Neill ever
talks about it sex....and some guy called Alfie Langer.... Number two. You happen
to go a nice shade of pink when sex is mentioned....like you are right now
DARIA
Damn...he said that maybe
my...thing...for Brad stems from....you know....
CHRISTIE
Lobster? Guns? Elephants?
(Daria looks at Christie sternly)
CHRISTIE
Lust?
DARIA
Yes...that one...but I don't feel
particularly sexy...
CHRISTIE
Hmmm....for 40 simoleans I can
change that for you...
DARIA
Listen, for the last time, I
don't want to be introduced to your bi friends...
CHRISTIE
No...I've got something else in
mind....
(Daria considers, and then
hands over $40)
Scene II (INT,
Morning, Brad's Dorm)
(Brad and Neill are sitting on
Brad's couch with a couple of beers)
BRAD
Dude...seriously...you look
really....
NEILL
Tired?
BRAD
Yeah
NEILL
Yeah, we'll I've been picking
up extra shifts, as well as studying for the mid-year exams...I'm saving up for
something...
BRAD
Dude, why do you need to study? You got a 98 on your
mid-semesters...
NEILL
98 ain't 100
BRAD
Hmmm....
NEILL
Penny for your thoughts?
BRAD
Just thinking about something Kirk
said...
NEILL
This wouldn't happen to be
about Daria would it?
BRAD
What?....how would you know?
NEILL
Just call me an astute
observer
(Brad looks blankly at Neill)
NEILL
I notice things mate...like when
you were sitting on the grass...or how you happen to repeat yourself in front of
her, and by strange coincidence you happened to mention that you repeat
yourself when you get intimidated by women...
BRAD
It's just when Daria starts
talking to me, I feel...better...somehow...I feel like I'm smarter. Here's this
amazing girl and she's talking to me...and I feel...I don't know....
NEILL
Could it be love?
BRAD
Observe that too?
NEILL
No, I'm asking....I'm no expert
on the situation...
BRAD
But what about all those
chicks?
NEILL
What about 'em?
BRAD
Oh...good point...
NEILL
I think that's something
you'll have to think about mate....right now, I'm meeting Christie down at the
library
BRAD
The library? We have a
Library?
NEILL
I know....what's up with that?
Scene III (INT, Late
Morning, Library)
(Christie and Neill sitting
down)
CHRISTIE
How's it looking at your end?
NEILL
Well, Brad I think, is just a
little confused...Kirk's been meddling in our plans, but we may yet be able to
use this to our advantage...
CHRISTIE
How?
NEILL
He thinks he may be in love
with her
CHRISTIE
An interesting development...to
be sure
NEILL
Indeed
CHRISTIE
By the way, nice work with
Daria...
NEILL
It's what I do
(
CHRISTIE
If our plan works, then
countless hours of amusement will be had
(
NEILL
You...(to
Sure looks like something
chump
CHRISTIE
What do we have to do to get
you to keep your mouth shut?
(Considers) Well, we are
missing a center....
NEILL
You're what?
Yeah, you're a white boy, but
you're tall....
NEILL
Now I have to play basketball
as well?
Well, you don't have to....but
then I'd be forced to reveal your plan...
NEILL
I can give you your choice of
freshman girls....eh champ?
Sorry, my mind's made up....
NEILL
Damn....(walks
off)
CHRISTIE
You have no idea what our plan
is do you?
Not as such no....but as I
said...we're missing a center...
CHRISTIE
I like your style....I don't
believe we've met...
I know,
it's quite surprising I haven't looked up a honey as fine as your beautiful
self...
CHRISTIE
Wow, you get a girlfriend and
all of a sudden offers are flying in from everywhere
Say what?
CHRISTIE
I like women
Oh...right on...respect and such
CHRISTIE
I love how uncomfortable some
people get when I mention I'm gay...
It's not that I've got
anything against you or anything...it's just that you don't see too many gay
people in the ghetto...but there are girls who will do anything for a certain
price...
(Daria walks by)
CHRISTIE
Hey Daria
DARIA
Hey Christie,
Sup?
DARIA
Nothing much...I'm doing some
research...as such...
Extra research assignment?
DARIA
I guess you could say that...
CHRISTIE
You know, if you wanted to, I
could get Neill to do some of this extra 'research' you're doing
(
DARIA
Actually...that's not a bad
idea...
CHRISTIE
Yeah, he'd know all about what
you're looking for, and I could help you...it would be like some sort of those
girly bonding ritual....
So you and Daria.....(confused)
DARIA
Yes?
Well, boots, girly
bonding......makes a brother wonder about all manner of things...
CHRISTIE
Oh...I'm sure it does...but she's
not my type
DARIA
What! (Acting up) that's what
you said last night you hussy!
(
DARIA
You know...I can see where
homosexuality can have its advantages
CHRISTIE
Making guys faint is fun
DARIA
So...about this thing...
CHRISTIE
Don't worry, I don't want to
change too much, but we'll know more after Neill does some research
(
Now...where were we?
Scene IV (INT, Early
Evening, Radio booth/ Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Neill in Radio booth)
NEILL
Okay people, I'm putting out a
patented Neill Hayden curly question. 'What is sexy?'. I'm not talking about
great tits 'n' arse...because everybody thinks that's sexy...but I'm talking about
qualities....what is it about a girl that drives you mad with desire? For
example, I was just in
(Neill hits console and Randy
goes into booth)
RANDY
I've been checking the
schedule and you're down for 2 shows a day...is that right?
NEILL
Yep
RANDY
Why two shows a day?
NEILL
Well, I'm saving for
something, and I figure with all the sponsorship money I attract, I can make
some good dough...
RANDY
Well okay, if you think you're
up to it....just remember, you don't want to over expose
yourself...you're a novelty Neill, and if you're on all the time, people will
start to tire of you...
NEILL
Well then...I'll just have to
think of some more ideas then
RANDY
Ok, were back in 5
(Neill hits console)
NEILL
And we're back. The question
tonight is, what makes someone sexy? Caller one you're on the air
(Cut to Christie and Daria
sitting in Daria's dorm)
CHRISTIE
So...what to do with this hair?
(From monitor)
JANE
Go for a tiger effect....
DARIA
I can't believe I'm doing this...you
know...if I kill you now I could plea insanity...
CHRISTIE
It had to happen sooner or
later...besides...don't you want to look cute?
DARIA
A knife, a knife, my kingdom
for a knife....I also can't believe you talked me into letting you watch
JANE
Would you let your best friend
miss an opportunity to witness an earth shattering event like this?...Oh...by the
way...guess who's here?
DARIA
You didn't...
(Quinn's head appears in the
monitor)
QUINN
Hi Daria!
CHRISTIE
Is that your sister?
DARIA
The jury's still out on that
one...
CHRISTIE
Damn...she's cute....
DARIA
This is possibly the worst
moment of my life.....second worst...behind birth
JANE
Now come on Daria! Is that any
way to think about yourself?
DARIA
Who said I was talking about
my birth?
QUINN
I think she'd look really good
with some heavy eyeliner, it used to be for Goths and Clubbers, but now it's
all the rage
CHRISTIE
Okay, I'm just going to cut
your hair a bit shorter and straighten it a little bit
DARIA
You're loving this...aren't you?
CHRISTIE
You know me too well
(Cut to Neill in booth)
CALLER
So, I guess what I find sexy
in anybody, is just an attitude, and attitude that says 'you're going to get
some tonight'
NEILL
So what you're saying is that
a girl playing hard to get doesn't do it for you?
CALLER #1
Not really, that's why I stick
to hookers
NEILL
Thanks for the info mate. A
little too much info. Okay people, I'll be taking another call before we wrap
up for tonight...caller, you're on the air
CALLER #2
Hey Neill, long time listener
first time caller
NEILL
Well welcome...so, what do you
find sexy?
CALLER #2
Apart from the word 'moist', I
think a person with just that little bit of mystery to them
NEILL
Ah, this is interesting because
our last caller said playing hard to get doesn't work with him
CALLER #2
I'm not talking about playing
hard to get, I'm talking about a mysterious look. It has to be something
exotic, it can't just be a dime-a-dozen look. It's got to...you know...be mysterious
NEILL
I reckon I know where you're
going with this. You're saying a girl in a jumper can sometimes be sexier than
a girl than a girl with nothing but a cheeky grin on.
CALLER #2
Yeah, I mean. What I find sexy
is something that can exercise my imagination, make me wonder what's under
there as such
NEILL
So just a hint of sex spurs
you onto sexier thoughts?
CALLER #2
Yeah
NEILL
Okay, well thanks for your
call, greatly appreciated, that's all the time we have on the Alfie Langer Half
Hour Tribute Show, stay tuned for the Randy Goat. Neill Hayden out. (Neill hits
console)
RANDY
Great show Neill. Where do you
come up with these topics?
NEILL
Well, let's just say that I
draw my inspiration from the post modern girl with the Mona Lisa smile
Scene V (INT, Evening,
Daria and Neill's dorm)
JANE
You know, this would make a
really good painting
DARIA
(Getting hair cut) I can see
it now...you could call it 'descent into madness'
JANE
Actually...that's not a bad idea
(walks over to easel)
DARIA
Wait...I wasn't serious about
it...
QUINN
We should've done this a lot
earlier
DARIA
I should've called for the hit
squad a lot earlier as well
CHRISTIE
Stop moving, or I may cut you
(Neill enters)
(Neill looks around)
NEILL
Oh...is that today?
CHRISTIE
Yeah
NEILL
Well don't mind me, I'll just
be sleeping
(Neill leaves for bedroom)
DARIA
Christie, how would he know
this was happening?
CHRISTIE
Uhh....no reason...(changes
subject)...I've never seen Neill so tired before, I mean, he came close after the
Swedish Gymnasts....but anyone would be tired because of them....hmmmm
DARIA
Why is he so tired?
CHRISTIE
What...sorry...miles away...He's
been taking a lot more shifts at the station, says he's saving up for
something...I don't know what though...says he doesn't want to tell anyone
DARIA
Oh God....I may of really
pilfered him...maybe he can't get home in time for the holidays....
CHRISTIE
Maybe you should talk to him
about it...after we've finished though...I've got a cute dress for you as well...very
sexy
DARIA
Wow...I'm looking forward to it
so much that I may fall asleep in the chair
CHRISTIE
At least then you wouldn't be
moving so much...
(Switch to Neill's bedroom)
(He notices a note on his bed)
NEILL
"I couldn't quite make out the
message, but some guy called Dezza called for you"
(Neill picks up the telephone
and dials)
DEZZA
G'Day?
NEILL
Dezza...Mate!
DEZZA
Neill....how the bloody hell are
ya?
NEILL
Can't complain...ya rang?
DEZZA
Yeah...just wanted to make sure
that the email I got from you was right...if so...we'll have to do some work up our
end
NEILL
Yeah...it was correct...I'm
working extra shifts so I can afford it...I want it to be a complete surprise
DEZZA
Yeah...I think we can do
that...so...what else has been going on...any decent roots?
NEILL
Where do I begin? First....get
this...a Swedish gymnastics team
DEZZA
Damn...I wish I was young
again....
NEILL
I got something lined up later
with a spunky chick who I met when we went to
DEZZA
Sounds great...how's the
football going?
NEILL
I swear...its piss easy...I can
see why Ben Graham decided to try out here...all the other people who kick in
this country can't even kick torpies
DEZZA
Sounds like you've got a
career line up mate
NEILL
Nah...I'm just doing it because
of the influence I can pull by being on the team
DEZZA
Wait....cheerleaders?
NEILL
Exactly...although I'm in a blue
at the moment because I rooted sisters, but that's a risk you take, so I'm
willing to wait it out...there are always plenty of chicks willing to show a
young buck from the coalition of the willing a good time
DEZZA
Sounds ugly mate.... you know...everyone
keeps on asking if you've met anybody special over there...
NEILL
Well I have...not anyone I want
to root though
DEZZA
Something tells me that one
day you're going to make a great father
NEILL
Not a great husband, but a
great father....I looked after you lot for 15 years
DEZZA
That reminds me...the missus
wants the orange chicken recipe you have...
NEILL
I'll email to ya when I get a
chance...but now I've got to sleep
DEZZA
Okay mate...I'll see ya when you
get your arse down here!
(Neill hangs up phone and lies
down on bed)
Scene VI (INT, Night,
Daria and Neill's dorm)
CHRISTIE
You done in there Daria?
(Referring to Daria's room)
DARIA
No!
CHRISTIE
(At Screen) So...Jane is it?
JANE
The one and only
CHRISTIE
So...you got someone special?
JANE
No...can I ask you something?
CHRISTIE
Sure
JANE
Do I give off gay vibes?
CHRISTIE
Not as such, but it's an
unfortunate factor in our society that labels anybody different from the norm,
anybody who doesn't wear dresses and likes boots, gay.
JANE
So it's not my fault?
CHRISTIE
Fault?
JANE
I...don't want to talk about it
CHRISTIE
I can see how you and Daria
could be friends....so...the girl with the red hair...how old is she?
JANE
Quinn? 16.
CHRISTIE
Damn...not legal yet...she's a
cutie though....
JANE
Excuse me while I go throw up
and laugh at the same time
CHRISTIE
Fair enough....besides, I've
already got a girlfriend....looks a lot like you actually
(Jane looks surprised and
blushes)
CHRISTIE
Damn...does everybody in
DARIA
Okay...now...I have to warn
everybody...if you do take photo's...I will have to kill you....
(Daria steps out, dress in a
black dress, shorter hair, sans glasses, and with rose lipstick on)
(Everyone looks shocked)
QUINN
Oh my god...you
look...cute......I......don't know who I am anymore
JANE
Damn Morgandorffer...you scrub
up well
CHRISTIE
You look great...I didn't even
know you had breasts...If I do say so myself, your looking hot...I'd hit that
JANE
Can you actually physically
'hit that'?
CHRISTIE
With all the products
available today...yes
DARIA
Then why don't I feel sexy?
CHRISTIE
Oh, I'm just in charge of the
looks, Neill takes over from here
DARIA
I want my 40 clams back
CHRISTIE
Deals a deal kiddo
DARIA
Damn.... (Departs for Neill's
room)
Scene VII (INT, Night,
Neill's room)
(Daria enters Neill's room,
sees that Neil is drifting off the sleep, so stands next to his bed and
announces herself by clearing her throat)
NEILL
(Still half-asleep) Hey cutie,
come for a quick nightcap? (Takes Daria's hand and pulls her onto the bed,
attempting to kiss Daria)
(Daria surprised)
DARIA
Neill! Wake Up!
NEILL
Wha.... (Looks at this figure he
just subconsciously tried to seduce)...Daria! Oh Good God! (Jumps off bed)
Don't wake me up like that! Damn! (Slowly regaining composure) Dammit Daria!
Did you have to look so hot?......Christie does some good work...oh...you're here
for the second part of your program...by the way...sorry about that......I'm...tired...
DARIA
(Slowly regaining composure)
Try not to attempt to seduce me again....
NEILL
I am...so sorry...is there
anything I can do to possibly repay you?
DARIA
Well, it looks like I'm sexy,
but I don't feel sexy
NEILL
Even after....what just happened
there....with the whole.....thing?
DARIA
More surprised than sexy....
NEILL
Ok...(regaining
composure)...I think I can help you....(walks over to CD collection)...it's somewhere
around here.....(sorting through collection)...ahh...here it is....(hands Daria a CD)
(Daria looks at the CD)
DARIA
Neill's root mix volume 5?
NEILL
That gets everybody in the
mood....just sit in a dark room for a couple of hours, and I guarantee you'll
want to jump the first guy you see....by the way...did I mention I was sorry?
DARIA
It's ok I guess......I can see
that waking you up where wearing a new look may confuse you...just don't do it
again
NEILL
It's just that I'm so tired....
DARIA
Oh...the extra shifts...
NEILL
Yeah...
DARIA
Neill, have I been paying my
fair share of the rent?
NEILL
Yeah...that's not why I'm
picking up extra shifts...I'm saving for something
DARIA
Oh...so I haven't been gouging
you...unfairly or anything?...because if I have...I'm sorry...
NEILL
Yes...but it isn't anything I
couldn't normally handle...I get a lot of money for promoting local business on
the radio, and bribes from boyfriends asking me not to root their
girlfriends...its just that I wasn't expecting to have to save for something
extra
DARIA
What is this extra thing?
NEILL
I can't tell you...it's a
surprise...anyhow...I'm going to go and take a very long shower....see ya when I see ya short
stuff.....(Neill walks off looking confused and scared)
FROM LOUNGE
(Christie) Neill? What's
wrong?
(Neill) Don't want to talk
about it...need shower
Scene VIII (INT,
Night, Brad's dorm)
(Brad is lying on his couch,
staring up at the ceiling)
(Kirk enters)
KIRK
Hey Brad? Shouldn't you be
studying...I mean your exams are in a few days...
BRAD
Can't
KIRK
Ah yes...thinking about the
young love eh?
BRAD
Kinda...I wrote some new
stuff... (Points to stack of papers)
KIRK
(Walks over to papers and
starts to read) Damn...these are good...sure fire winners
BRAD
What? Yeah...
KIRK
Sounds like love is giving you
the ability to write...(with evil smirk on face)
BRAD
(Looking depressed) but why
would she ever go for a guy like me...I mean, she smart....we really wouldn't make
a good couple...(sighs)
KIRK
Damn...I can't do this any more...
BRAD
Do what any more?
KIRK
You do love Daria...but as an
artist loves his muse
BRAD
What?
KIRK
Think about it...this girl
starts to tutor you...you start to learn new stuff...your writing gets better...you
feel smarter...she gives you the tools to feel better about yourself...
BRAD
I suppose that makes sense...but
why did I want her to take off her jacket?
KIRK
What? I don't know about
that...but I'm guessing that you're a guy...and you had a chance to see some
jublies...
BRAD
Oh....
KIRK
Dude...I'm sorry...I may have led
you to believe that you loved her...
BRAD
You what?
KIRK
Yeah...but you were writing some
really good stuff...we were getting popular....
BRAD
Well....I'm out of the band
dude! This scene is getting old! I'm going to form my own band! I'm outta here!
(Walks out)
(Brad then goes back in)
BRAD
This is my dorm dude! You get
out!
Scene IX (INT, night,
Neill and Daria's Lounge)
(Daria and Christie on couch,
watching TV)
CHRISTIE
So...what's this CD Neill gave
you?
(Daria hands over CD)
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah...this is good...it works
well....
DARIA
It does?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...especially on young,
inexperienced girls who may just be curious about my lifestyle... (Smokes an
imaginary cigarette)
DARIA
What are you doing?
CHRISTIE
I don't know...seemed to be the
right thing to do...maybe you can tell me why Neill came out of his room so
distressed?
FROM BATHROOM
Unclean!
DARIA
I don't think I should talk
about it...
CHRISTIE
Hmmm....curiouser and curiouser...
DARIA
Nice try
CHRISTIE
You know I'll find out
eventually
DARIA
Not if you're on the
moon...would you like to go to the moon?
CHRISTIE
Depends. Any moon girls up
there?
FROM BATHROOM
Must wash filth off!
DARIA
The reports from NASA are
inconclusive on that one...anyhow...I'm going to go and listen to that CD now...
CHRISTIE
Ok then, I'll stand guard...you
think the O'Reilly Factor should be classified as comedy? (Referring to TV)
DARIA
Well it does only have comedic
appeal....(walks off)
FROM BATHROOM
Psst...Christie
CHRISTIE
Studystiltskin?
FROM BATHROOM
Nah...its Neill...is Daria gone?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...
(Neill comes out nervously and
sits down next to Christie in robe)
CHRISTIE
Dude, what the hell is going
on around here?
NEILL
I don't want to talk about it...
CHRISTIE
Awkward situation?
NEILL
To say the least...
CHRISTIE
Well, you've seen each other
nude...what could be more awkward than that?
('Chocolate' by Kylie Minogue
starts playing from Daria's room)
NEILL
Ah Kylie...the best root song of
all time...
CHRISTIE
Oh no mister, you're not
getting off that easily.
NEILL
Fine...but you can't mention it
ever again...
CHRISTIE
My lips are sealed
NEILL
It's your damn fault
anyhow...making Daria hot...it's confusing...
CHRISTIE
Hang on....
NEILL
I may have...accidentally...while
waking up...try to seduce Daria...just a little bit though...
(Christie bursts out laughing)
NEILL
It's not funny! I owe Daria so
much! And now I do this! I am truly a despicable human being!
CHRISTIE
Oh come on! It wasn't your
fault...you thought a hot girl was in you bedroom and you acted accordingly...I
would've done the same thing!
NEILL
Yeah...but this is Daria...and now
what I've been working towards may be shattered...
CHRISTIE
Working towards?
NEILL
The extra shifts...
CHRISTIE
Neill...what are you planning?
NEILL
You know I can't tell you......
CHRISTIE
You can't just leave a girl
hanging
NEILL
Sorry
CHRISTIE
I'll show you my breasts
NEILL
Ain't working missy
CHRISTIE
Damn
Scene X (INT, late
Night/ early Morning, Daria and Neill's Lounge)
(Late at night, Daria exits
from her room)
DARIA
At least now I know it's
possible
(Shot of Neill's door)
DARIA
It's very possible
END
-Will Daria adopt her new
look, or revert to old ways? Will everybody pass their semester exams? Will
they ever go to class? What is Neill's secret plan? If I were to ask you, would
you give me money? All these questions and more, answered in coming episodes!-
(Author's notes)
**Hey people, only two
episodes left before Jane packs her bags for BFAC! There are a couple of surprises
in store for the remaining episodes, so watch out for those...also, a huge shout
out to R Lobinske for some kick ass fan art**
*Questions? Comments? Letter
bombs? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*