THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 11-1
PASSING
(A confrontation between Neill
and Sandi brings up old issues for Christie, and Daria and Neill go on a road
trip)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Neill and Daria's dorm)
DARIA
So then Neill tells me that my
worst suspicions are true...
JANE
The Russians are coming?
DARIA
No, Brad is into me...as such...
JANE
Wow, a double entendre, you
really are frazzled
DARIA
Yeah...I haven't been so
confused since...well...Tom and I...uhh...yeah...
JANE
The real question is here, do you like him?
DARIA
I thought I did.
JANE
What is that supposed to mean?
DARIA
Uhh...nothing....
JANE
You can't suddenly decide
you're going to try and be open and honest with everybody and then not go the whole
way with you best friend...
DARIA
Now you're the one making the
double entendres...
JANE
Out with it
DARIA
Okay, but promise not to
torture me with it?
JANE
I can't promise anything...you
know that
DARIA
Deep down, I already know
that......but let's say that if you try to rip on me, I'll tell people what's under
your bed, in the blue box....
JANE
You wouldn't!....okay....you
would. Ok, I'll be quiet.
DARIA
Let's just say that what you
said about Brad being a surrogate Trent, it has some truth to it. I saw Brad
and was immediately reminded of
JANE
Is this Daria?
DARIA
Shut up
JANE
Sounds like there's some stuff
you have to work through...
DARIA
I wish I could just get some distance
on the whole thing, but this damn college thing
JANE
Damn college, always
there....doing stuff....
DARIA
How are you looking forward to
College?
JANE
8 weeks and counting, I'm
kinda nervous, but hearing that you've found some cool people makes me feel
good about the whole thing. Maybe I can get a cute Mick Dundee to pay most of
my board as well....
DARIA
Ugh...
JANE
Okay, enough said, oh, call
your family, Quinn has been here in an attempt to "replace the nerdiness
" in her life...suffice to say that it got ugly...
DARIA
Sounds rough...okay, I'll see
you some time...
Scene II (INT, Night,
Sandi's apartment)
SANDI
How could you!?!
NEILL
I'm a big boy! I like to think
that I have a choice when it comes to the bedroom department!
SANDI
I bet you weren't going to
even give her your phone number!
NEILL
We're both adults dammit! We can do whatever the hell we want!
RENEE
He has a point there...
SANDI
Stay out of this!
NEILL
We both know that this isn't
about me and Renee!
SANDI
Damn right it isn't!
NEILL
You want to tell me that my
lifestyle is chauvinistic and deplorable!
SANDI
Well it is!
NEILL
Well what do you call sleeping
with someone on the first date!?!
SANDI
At least were in a
relationship now!
NEILL
And you want to tell me what's
healthy!?!
CHRISTIE
Both of you stop this now! I'm
not letting this happen again! Now you both are going to be happy okay?
Everything's going to be fine....everybody is going to be accepting of everybody
else...
SANDI
Are you okay?
CHRISTIE
I will not have the two most
important people in my life rejecting each other....and I will not have him
rejecting you...not again...
(Christie realises she's not
really making sense and walks out of the room)
NEILL
What the hell was that all about?
SANDI
It was your fault!
NEILL
My fault!?
SANDI
Let's just say she has some
issues with people close to her accepting new people in her life....
NEILL
Listen, we both like Christie
yes?
SANDI
I presume so
NEILL
So until we find out more about
what just caused...that...let's call a truce...
SANDI
Sounds fair...just try not to
sleep with any of my relatives...
NEILL
I can't make that promise....but
I can try...try not to sleep with any of my mates...
Scene III (INT, night,
Christie's dorm)
(Christie rummaging through
drawer, trying to find some money)
CHRISTIE
Yes, that'll do....
(Christie leaves the room,
with cash and a note)
(Christie departs)
(Fade to black)
(Sandi and Neill walking to
Christie's dorm)
SANDI
Just let me do the talking
would you?
NEILL
What the hell is that supposed
to mean...?
SANDI
Look, a note
(Picks up note on Christie's
door)
SANDI
Dear Sandi and Neill,
undoubtedly you have been looking for me because let's face it, I'm hot.
Anyhow, I just want you two to know that I don't really care that you two don't
get along, I'll still be Neill's friend and Sandi's lover, but I have to go
home and sort some things out.... I'll be back after the weekend...
NEILL
How odd...
SANDI
Indeed...
Scene IV (INT,
morning, Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Neill enters)
DARIA
Hey Neill
NEILL
Hey Daria
DARIA
Have you seen Christie?
NEILL
Yes and no, she's gone home
for the weekend...
DARIA
To
NEILL
I think she just needed to
sort some stuff out, you know, get some perspective, she found out that me and
Sandi don't exactly get along.
DARIA
Oh...
NEILL
Nah, it's all good, she left a
note saying that she didn't really care about me and Sandi...
DARIA
So she's gone?
NEILL
Afraid so....
DARIA
Damn
NEILL
Want to talk about it?
DARIA
No
NEILL
Well, I'll only be here a
couple of days, the teams on the road, get this, at
DARIA
NEILL
Yeah, don't know if it's your
DARIA
Is it the repetitive answer of
'no' that gives you hope?
NEILL
No, it just makes me more
curious, you know, if you really wanted to hide something, you'd make up a
story about why you've got that pensive look on your face instead of denying
everything...
DARIA
Damn
NEILL
Yep...just makes it just so much
more interesting...
DARIA
It's this Brad thing...
NEILL
Ahh....the Post Modern
Girl...if I were him, I would've just done a Jet cover..... 'Big Black Boots, Long
Brown hair, she's so sweet with her, get back stare! I could take you home with
me, but you were with another man...'...okay, so you're not with another man....I
think...but the rest of the song has relevance...
DARIA
Wow, fascinating, so
fascinating I'm going to completely ignore it...
NEILL
Oooh....testy...sounds like
you need some time off yourself...
DARIA
You know, that's not actually
a bad idea, I've been meaning to see Jane...
NEILL
The one with the black hair?
DARIA
Yes...
NEILL
I have a crazy idea....
DARIA
As long as it doesn't involve
hot wax, I'm all ears
NEILL
You're going to show me around
the town...Ho t Wax?
DARIA
What?
NEILL
Yeah, it'll be great...
DARIA
I don't think that's such a
good idea...
NEILL
Sure it is, besides, I need
someone to drive me down there...for some reason the cheerleading squad is going
as well, and let's just say that hell hath no fury like sisters scorned....
DARIA
So I'd be doing you a favour?
NEILL
As such...
DARIA
I believe now is the time to
bring up some sort of fee...
NEILL
You're going to make a great
lawyer...
DARIA
Runs in the family...
NEILL
Fine, I'll pay for the rental
car and any additional expenses on the weekend, but in return, you have to find
me somewhere to crash...
DARIA
Hell hath no fury?
NEILL
Exactly...
DARIA
Okay, sounds like a deal...
NEILL
I don't know I'll ever make it
back for Christmas with you gouging me at every opportunity...
DARIA
Well maybe you should stop
being so curious about me...
NEILL
Nice try...
DARIA
Damn...
Scene V (EXT, Day, Bus
Depot)
(Christie hops off a bus)
(Christie then walks to a payphone
and dials a number)
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hi mom...
MOM
Christie? How nice to hear
from you...
CHRISTIE
Yeah, sure. Listen, I'm at the
town bus centre right now...can you give me a lift?
MOM
Sure...where to?
CHRISTIE
Well I was hoping that I could
stay in my old room for a couple of days...
MOM
I'm not sure that's a good
idea, you know, your father...
CHRISTIE
That's why I'm back...there's
some stuff I have to get through, I need to talk to him...
MOM
Honey...I'm not too sure he wants
to talk to you...
CHRISTIE
This is something I need to
do, if you really were my mother...you'd understand that...
MOM
Sorry...
CHRISTIE
No...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
said that. I'm just a bit flustered right now is all. All you need to know is
that I need to speak to him...
MOM
Okay...I guess I could let you
see him, I don't know about you staying though...
CHRISTIE
Well, hopefully if I make my
point, I'll be staying...
Scene VI (EXT, Late
Afternoon, Road/Gas Station)
(Daria an Neill standing in a
car park)
NEILL
Ready to go?
DARIA
Raring
(They walk up to the car, which
is a blue hatchback)
NEILL
Go figure, they see me at the
registration and figure that since I'm 6'5", they'd go ahead and give me a
hatchback... (Throws keys to Daria)...here you go.
DARIA
Why aren't you driving?
NEILL
Australian, different country,
crazy road rules, green card
DARIA
Oh
NEILL
Yeah, if I even make the
smallest infringement, I'll be deported.
DARIA
Ok then, I guess that I
control the radio station...they'll be no Men at Work
NEILL
No Men at Work!? If I don't
hear 'I come from the Land Down Under' every half hour I go into remission!
DARIA
Whatever
(They both get in the car)
(Neill in an awkward position)
DARIA
How you holding up there
stretch?
NEILL
Can't complain (in pain)
(Fade to black)
(Neill and Daria on the road)
NEILL
So...great weather we've been
having...
DARIA
Yep
NEILL
Yeah...the weather's great...
DARIA
Sure is...
NEILL
Wow, we have nothing to talk
about...
DARIA
We can always talk about the
Kyoto protocol....
NEILL
Yeah...that's something we both have
in common, both our governments couldn't care less about the environment...
DARIA
I've always meant to ask...why
are you so....?
NEILL
Hot? Tall? Witty?
DARIA
Confident.
NEILL
Oh
DARIA
It's just that I've been
trying to be more confident...but at the first sign of trouble...I go back into my
shell...how do you do it?
NEILL
It's not about being
confident...
DARIA
It's not?
NEILL
It's about tricking everybody
else into thinking you're confident...
DARIA
Well, that does make some
sense
NEILL
See, it works, I have no idea
what I'm talking about, but you accepted it because it seemed to be true...
(Daria gives a cold stare to
Neill)
(Fade to black)
NEILL
Hate to complain, but I don't
suppose we could get out at the next roadhouse could we?
DARIA
Can't hurt, besides, I really
should tell my parents that I'm coming...
NEILL
Great
(They pull into a gas station)
(Neill doing stretches in the
background)
(Daria walks to a telephone
and dials)
QUINN
Hello? Brent? I told you that
I can't go out with you this weekend! I just can't! I wish I could but there is
this sale on at Cashman's and I really can't miss it
because Sandi called my outfit outdated, so I need a new one by Monday, I can't
show up for class on Monday without a new outfit! If you don't understand that
then I guess that were just not meant to be together...
DARIA
And I bought you these
chocolates...
QUINN
Daria?
DARIA
The one and only
QUINN
What are you doing on the phone?
DARIA
Just wanted to give you prior warning.
I'm coming to stay for the weekend, and so is my roommate.
QUINN
That guy with the accent?
DARIA
Yes......the guy with the accent,
make sure you tell Mom and Dad okay?
QUINN
Yeah sure, so listen, what's
your roommate like?
DARIA
He's a dreamboat...he speaks
French and takes us out to expensive French restaurants....
QUINN
Really!!??
DARIA
No....hang on...he does....
(Slightly confused)...forget I said anything, I'll be there in an hour
QUINN
Okay, I guess I'll see you
then...
DARIA
But what about the sale at Cashman's?
QUINN
That can wait...
DARIA
Yeah.......bye......
(Neill walks over)
NEILL
Everything Hunky-Dori?
DARIA
What?...
NEILL
Everything good? I swear,
youse Yanks are so uncultured...
DARIA
Yes, everything's fine...let's
go
NEILL
Do you think for the last hour
of the trip we could not listen to
Country and Western?
DARIA
Who's driving?
NEILL
Damn...
(Blue hatchback pulls up to Morgandorffer Residence)
(Daria and Neill get out)
DARIA
Okay, my mother's a workaholic
legal shark, the slightest thing could set off my Dad on a rage about his
childhood, and my sisters the leader of Miss Teen USA Mickey Mouse Club, you
have been warned...
NEILL
Sounds pretty normal...
(Daria knocks on the door)
(Helen answers the door)
HELEN
Daria!?!?
DARIA
It would appear to be so...
(Helen smothers Daria)
NEILL
Seems like a shark to me...
HELEN
And who would you be?
NEILL
G'Day, I'm Daria's
roommate, Neill
HELEN
Nice to meet you...why didn't
you tell us you were coming Daria?
DARIA
I did...
(Quinn's head appears from
behind door)
QUINN
Hi! Is it true you speak
French?
NEILL
Very bad school boy French,
yes...
QUINN
Wow!
DARIA
Quinn...why didn't you tell our
dear parents that I was coming to stay?
QUINN
Oh yeah...I just kinda forgot...
DARIA
And remembered an off-hand
remark about somebody you've never met....
HELEN
Well, come in young man....tell
us all about yourself....
(Helen shows them in)
Scene VII (INT,
morning, Christie's Home)
(Inside Christie's childhood
home)
MOM
So...how are things?
CHRISTIE
I met somebody new...
MOM
That's......good......
CHRISTIE
It's not a guy...
MOM
No, no, I never meant to
assume that....
CHRISTIE
Sure you didn't
MOM
Honestly I....
CHRISTIE
I know...I'm just kidding around
with you...you know...its kinda weird being here...after all this time...
MOM
Well I would've invited you
back...
CHRISTIE
I know mom, you've always been
there for me...
MOM
That's nice to hear...I had to
fight tooth and nail to send you to college you know...your father still hasn't
forgiven you...
CHRISTIE
And I don't think he ever
will, it's not in his nature, I just hope to make peace with the old man...
MOM
He sees it as a betrayal,
after we took you in, he sees it as a slap in the face...
CHRISTIE
Well, I'm here to correct that
assumption...where is he now?
MOM
Now? (Checks watch), He'd be
giving the weekly sermon...
CHRISTIE
He still doing that?
MOM
Being a minister is a full
time job...
CHRISTIE
I guess it is...
Scene VIII (INT,
Morning, Church/Ministers Office)
(Christie standing out the
back, in sunglasses)
MINISTER
And until next time, go in
peace, and don't forget the community raffle!
(The Minister spots Christie
out of the corner of his eye and walks to her)
MINISTER
Not here, my office, I have to
set an example...
(Christie follows minister
into a back room)
MISISTER
You have some nerve showing up
here...
CHRISTIE
You have some nerve preaching
morality...
MINISTER
How dare you question my
beliefs!
CHRISTIE
Whatever Dad, I didn't come
here to fight.
DAD
Then you shouldn't have come
at all
CHRISTIE
Dad, you've shown nothing but
hostility toward me, but you've never said anything about why I deserve it
DAD
Don't call me that...I'm not
your father...
CHRISTIE
Then why are you so mad?
DAD
Because we took you into our
home, and then you betray me like this!?
CHRISTIE
I didn't mean to. It's not
like I turned gay in spite of you, it just happened...
DAD
Just happened...and the fact
that your disease only got worse after I confronted you about it?
CHRISTIE
Being Gay is not a disease! I
know, I'm a biology major! It got worse
because I finally admitted to myself!
DAD
It got worse because you
always hated who I was
CHRISTIE
Well, wasn't exactly thrilled
with the whole being the minister's daughter thing
DAD
Why did you come back here?
Why did you have to bring all this pain and suffering back into my and Martha's
life...
CHRISTIE
So this is how it's going to
be huh? I'm going to come back and have my adopted father cast me out like a
leper...is that it?
DAD
I guess so
CHRISTIE
You know what! You need take
off those rose tinted glasses! You need to stop seeing the world as apple pie
and debutante balls! There's a whole world out there! You need to realise is
that if you truly believed that God invented the world, and controls our daily
lives, then he intended for me to be gay, and lots of other people too! The
bible wasn't written by God! It was written by people who took the words of God
and bent them into their own ideologies! And if do truly believe in the power
of redemption, then I suppose there is hope for you yet...but you don't. You
believe in America, and that America you believe in has Christianity as its
cornerstone! Until you realise that the bible perhaps isn't the word of God,
but perhaps metaphorical, then there is no hope for us! I'm staying in a hotel!
DAD
Fine, see if I care!
CHRISTIE
If you truly believed in God,
you would care!
(Christie storms off)
Scene IX (INT, Early
Evening, Morgandorffer Residence)
(Jake, Helen, Daria, Neill and
Quinn sitting on the sofas drinking coffee)
JAKE
So, my man...How's the country
treating you...?
NEILL
I'm actually quite surprised,
I thought I'd be stabbed at least 5 times by now, but jokes aside, it's been
good, and may I say, you have raised one hell of a daughter...
QUINN
Thanks!
HELEN
He was talking about Daria
honey....go on...
NEILL
Well, she was willing to
accept me right off the bat, when I first met her I thought she be one of those
people who would just assume I'm stupid because I was Australian, but she
didn't, and I'm eternally grateful for that...made me feel at home when I was
10000 Kilometres away...(looks at Daria)
(Daria blushes)
NEILL
Making her blush is fun too...
(The Morgandorffers
look nervous)
NEILL
I can see where she gets it
from...
HELEN
So, tell us about where you're
from
NEILL
There's not much to tell, I
grew up on a farm in Queensland, that's the north-eastern part of the country,
temperatures get to about 45...I mean...um....about 110 degrees in summer
QUINN
How can you stand it! I mean
all the sweating! Ick!
NEILL
I guess you get used to it...how
do you deal with the cold? I mean, it got down to about 3 degrees Celsius the
other day, what's up with that?
JAKE
It's all part of the
conspiracy....
NEILL
Conspiracy....?
HELEN
Quinn, why don't you show our
guest to his room?
QUINN
Sure! Come on Neill! (They
walk off) It's the one with the bunnies in it
HELEN
So.... (To Daria) We approve...
JAKE
We do?
DARIA
You do?
HELEN
Yes, he seems like a nice
young man...
DARIA
And I need your approval why exactly?...
HELEN
Well...you know...if you to are
going to be dating
DARIA
Stop
JAKE
Stop what Kiddo?
DARIA
I am only going to say this
once...and then leave to go and see Jane...Me and Neill...no...just...no
JAKE
Okay then Kiddo....
(Daria leaves to go upstairs)
HELEN
She's obviously hiding
something
JAKE
Undoubtedly...where did I put my
martini?
HELEN
Jake!
(Daria and Neill walking along
street)
NEILL
So...your sister...she's...nice
DARIA
Nice like too much Iced Cream...
NEILL
Remind me again...what's the legal
age in this country?
(Stern look from Daria)
NEILL
Kidding! Too young for my
liking...
DARIA
Besides, let's just say she
talks a big game....but pulls up short on game night
NEILL
Did you just use a sporting
euphemism?
DARIA
Good God. I think this whole
college thing is getting to me....
NEILL
So...where are we going again?
DARIA
To surprise someone...
NEILL
Okay then... (Looking around)
you know, if I had a definition of American Suburbia in my mind, this would
pretty much be it....it begs the question....
DARIA
What question?
NEILL
Suburbia...you...I mean...how does
this place produce somebody like you?
DARIA
It doesn't produce me, I
produce me...as such...
NEILL
What the hell are we talking
about?
DARIA
I have no idea...
(Walk up to a door)
(Jane answers)
JANE
Daria? Cute Guy?
NEILL
G'Day yourself spunky
(Neill and Jane exchange come
hither stares)
DARIA
I knew this was a mistake
Scene X (INT, Night,
Christie's Motel room)
(Christie in a hotel room, flicking
the channels on the TV set)
(Looks at the phone, before
picking it up and dialling)
SANDI
Taxidermists Anonymous...got a
problem with stuffing?
CHRISTIE
Hey
SANDI
Hey
CHRISTIE
So, I thought I had better
give you an explanation
SANDI
I don't think it's necessary,
your friend and your girl don't like each other, and you just needed some
space...
CHRISTIE
Kinda, but the whole thing
brought up some feelings that I thought were buried...so I now have to go back
and fix them, before they consume me...it's hard to explain...the fight between you
and Neill....it was kinda metaphorical...
SANDI
You don't have to explain
anything to me, just promise you'll be back...
CHRISTIE
Of course I have to go
back....I left Rodney the Wonder Kid in charge of the shop...
SANDI
Well good
CHRISTIE
I have one question...
SANDI
What's that?
CHRISTIE
Well, in the argument you and
Neill were having...did you say that we were in a relationship?
SANDI
I guess I kinda did.....freaked
out?
CHRISTIE
No...oddly enough...
SANDI
Wow...so I can call you...
CHRISTIE
I guess you can...and I can
too...I'm going to go now, but thanks...
SANDI
What for?
CHRISTIE
Reminding me why I am who I
am...
SANDI
Okay...see you later...girlfriend...
CHRISTIE
Counting the seconds before we
are united again...
SANDI
Wow, corny...
CHRISTIE
Thank you...it's my forte'
(Both laugh and Sandi hangs
up)
(Christie goes back to
watching TV)
(The phone rings)
CHRISTIE
Hello?
MOM
Hello
CHRISTIE
Hi Mom, how did you get this
number?
MOM
It's the only motel within 5 miles,
I made an educated guess...
CHRISTIE
Oh...
MOM
So, I've been talking to your
father....
CHRISTIE
You know, I actually came here
with hopes of a reconciliation...after talking to him...I don't even know why I
came...
MOM
You know......I think he may come
around...
CHRISTIE
What did you do?
MOM
Let's just say that I made him
see the error of his ways...
CHRISTIE
Well, thanks, but I don't want
an apology under threat...
MOM
You know, even though you're
adopted, you've got his traits...you're both just so stubborn...
CHRISTIE
I guess we are...
MOM
I bet if you both give a
little, without resorting to insulting each others lifestyles...you'd both like
each other a lot more...
CHRISTIE
Maybe....I'm not even sure I
want a reconciliation now...talking to him...he hasn't changed....
MOM
Well, you know where we are...
CHRISTIE
Sure...bye
(Christie hangs up the phone)
(Christie paces the room,
before heading out the door)
END
-Where is Christie
Going? What will become of the flirting between Jane and Neill? Will Daria find
the answer she's looking for? What does 'Post Modern Girl' mean? Who is yo'
Daddy? All these questions and more, answered in Part 2!-
(Authors Notes)
** Since I'm writing these
from the hip, and before the first one has been released, I don't know why I comment
here...**
*Questions? Comments?
Pro-Abortion propaganda? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*