THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE 7
MAKING
THE CALL
(Neill takes the girls out for
a night on the town, while the result of Daria's phone call becomes clearer)
Scene I (EXT, DUSK,
Courtyard, Daria on payphone)
JANE
No...He's not here...playing a
gig at the Zen tonight...can I give him a message?
DARIA
Yeah...tell him to call me on my
dorm room number...
JANE
Okay...can I ask what it's
about?
DARIA
You can ask...doesn't mean
you'll get an answer...
JANE
Okay Morgandorffer! Out with
it!
DARIA
Out with what?
JANE
You just don't call my brother
out of the blue. I can tell it's urgent as well...why else would you want him to
call you back?
DARIA
Fine...I don't want him to call
me back!
JANE
Ahh...now she's getting
defensive...you've got her Lane...
DARIA
(Speechless)...I..... (Hangs up)
(Daria looks like she just
realised she was calling
Scene II (INT, Night,
Neill's Dorm)
CHRISTIE
Wow...this is really good!
NEILL
Yeah...well... you practice for 15
years and you get pretty good.
CHRISTIE
Hey...why aren't you out
celebrating your win?
NEILL
And miss the chance to see why
Daria just left? No thank you! Besides...I've got to remain away from the
cheerleading squad for awhile....you know...my you know...sister trouble...
CHRISTIE
Ahh yes...I forgot about your
sordid affairs...
NEILL
Well that's how I like
'em...sordid. You know...you never did tell me about the reason you came down to
the game tonight...
CHRISTIE
I had to support you...
NEILL
You don't support anything or
anyone...
CHRISTIE
Fine. Let's just say I
appreciate how you've been treating me since you found out I was a lesbian...
NEILL
Why would I treat you any
differently?
CHRISTIE
Because guys like you don't
abide with affronts to their sexuality...
NEILL
Guys like me?
CHRISTIE
You know...one of the guys...a
man's man...a chauvinist
NEILL
That's how you view me?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...
NEILL
Well...let's just say I know
there's a lot more behind the surface of stereotypes. I could have dismissed
you as a weirdo carpet muncher...or Brad as a stoner...or Daria as a depressing
cold-fish...but I know that behind the labels...there is a person...do you get what
I'm trying to say...?
CHRISTIE
I guess so...I'm sorry for
calling you a chauvinist...
NEILL
That's okay...I wouldn't have it
any other way.
CHRISTIE
You know...you possess a wisdom
that is just left-off centre
NEILL
You know it luv. Oh...how would
you like to go to Chez Paris tomorrow night?
CHRISTIE
Chez
NEILL
Ever since Daria started
paying me board for some reason...I've been able to save a little money
CHRISTIE
Well...okay...I guess...
NEILL
Cool...I'll invite Daria as
well...we can make a night out of it...
CHRISTIE
Can we go to a strip joint?
I've always wanted to go to a strip joint...
NEILL
Did you or did you not just
hear that I'm going to invite Daria?
CHRISTIE
Awww...Come on! We've got to
expose her to the college lifestyle one of these days...
NEILL
I'm not going to be
responsible for corrupting her young mind!
(Christie looks at him
quizzically)
(Daria enters)
NEILL
Hey Daria! What was that all
about?
DARIA
I uh...went to submit something
to Mr Hamilton...
NEILL
For publication?
DARIA
Sure.
CHRISTIE
All right Daria! Now we'll
have something to celebrate tomorrow...
NEILL
I've decided to take you two
out for a night on the town...
DARIA
This doesn't involve a strip
joint does it?
CHRISTIE
Well...I tried...but he wants to
take us to Chez Paris.
DARIA
Chez
NEILL
Yeah...according to the grape
vine...their veal in red wine sauce is grouse...
CHRISTIE
What the hell is 'grouse'?
NEILL
You know...grouse...it means
'good'...damn uncultured Yanks...
DARIA
Where the hell did you get
money for Chez Paris?
NEILL
Well, since you've been paying
board...and my new promotion at the radio station...I've been able to get some
money together.
DARIA
Well...I never did turn down a
chance to see hideous décor...
NEILL
Great...I'll make the
reservations...
Scene III (INT,
Morning, Coffee House)
RADIO
And welcome to the Alfie
Langer Tribute Half Hour! You're here with me, Neill Hayden...for a half hour of
tunes, interviews and general malarky that only the students of Raft could
possibly provide...
CHIRSTIE
So...Daria...this piece you
submitted to Mr Hamilton...what's it about?
DARIA
What? Oh...the piece...yeah...it's a
piece on the inevitable decline of western influence on the control of new
communicative technologies
CHRISTIE
I Hear That!
DARIA
You don't know what I just
said...do you?
CHRISTIE
Not as such no...what do you
expect...I'm a biology major...words are overrated anyhow.
DARIA
Don't look now...it's the
phantom of the coffee house...
(Manager walks in)
MANAGER
Hello Team!
ALL
Hello Sir!
CHRISTIE
We have those quarterly
reports in sir...
MANAGER
Ahh...I've been waiting for
those for awhile
CHRISTIE
They're just in the back...
(Christie and Manager go into
back)
(Daria starts working again)
(Brad approaches the bench)
BRAD
Hey Daria...can I get a decaf
latte' to go?
DARIA
Sure...how are you doing?
BRAD
You know...working toward the
goal...lost my good pick though...hey thanks for letting me borrow some of your
books...
DARIA
That's okay...
(Christie peeks her head out
and eavesdrops on Daria)
BRAD
Hey...I meant to ask...Moby
Dick...the whale...its symbolic isn't it?
DARIA
Although the whale is only one
of many symbols...yes...you're correct
BRAD
Cool...I may just pass this
semester...hey... I don't suppose you could tutor me before the mid semester exams?
DARIA
Yeah...sure...can't see why not...
BRAD
Cool...I'll see you later then...
(Brad exits)
(Christie enters)
CHRISTIE
Did I just see what I think I
just saw?
DARIA
If you saw a mariachi band and
Martha Stewart...then you're having visions of hell...again...
CHRISTIE
No...he just asked you out and
you accepted...
DARIA
He didn't ask me out...
CHRISTIE
Please...that old line about
'wanting to study'...nobody studies in freshman year Daria...he was asking you out...
DARIA
(Stern) He didn't ask me out!
CHRISTIE
I can get Neill to do some
Intel work If you want...you know...all guys talk about are chicks and sport...
DARIA
You're forgetting one thing
CHRISTIE
What?
DARIA
Gases. But I'm telling
you...Brad did not ask me out...
CHRISTIE
Sure Daria...we'll just see
what Neill turns up shall we?
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Brad's Dorm)
(Neill and Brad in Neill's on
couch...drinking beer)
NEILL
Hey...I heard you asked Daria to
tutor you...
BRAD
Yeah...she seems smart...should
get my average up...
NEILL
Is that the only thing you
hope to get up?
BRAD
Wha...? (Confused)
NEILL
Nothing...Hey...you know what I've
noticed?
BRAD
Wha...? (Still confused)
NEILL
I haven't seen you with any
chicks...What's up with that?
BRAD
Well...let's just say I'm very
selective about my women...you know...I'm a musician...they've got to feel the
music...besides...whenever I talk to a girl I like I get really flustered and end
up repeating myself...
NEILL
You know...I used to have the
same problem...
BRAD
Really?
NEILL
Yeah...although it was when I
was 12...I think I can help you...Okay...just hit me with your best line...
BRAD
Okay.... 'Hey...how you doin'?'
(Neill winces)
NEILL
You see mate...a 'how you
doin?'...can be good in certain situations... but most women find that if you've got your pick up line off a TV show...well they
think it's just lazy..
BRAD
Okay then....(confused)...what
would you suggest then?
NEILL
Well I do have one I haven't
used in a while...if you use it they'll think it's an original...It's a little hit
or miss...but when it pays off...oh boy does it pay off!
BRAD
Dude...what's the pick up line?
NEILL
Okay...say you're at a party...and
you spot a hot chick across the room...all you have to do is walk right up to her
and say... 'Listen...I just spotted you from across the room...I just had to tell you
that you're incredibly beautiful. I'm not looking for anything...I just wanted
you to know that'...Then you walk away slowly...if it works... they call you back and
you're in...if it doesn't...well...its good PR.
BRAD
Good PR?
NEILL
Yeah...chicks talk. They'll be
astonished that by your bravado.
BRAD
Really?
NEILL
Yep. You'd be surprised how
people can get so stunned by a direct complement in this day and age.
BRAD
Wow....you're good...
NEILL
I know Grasshopper...I know...
BRAD
Any more advice?
NEILL
Don't root with sisters. It
seems like a really good idea at the time...but you'll end up paying for it...oh
boy will you pay for it...
Scene V (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Daria is sitting...preparing a
number of notes and books)
(Neill enters)
NEILL
Hey Daria...studying?
DARIA
No...just preparing some stuff
for Brad
NEILL
Oh yeah...I meant tell
you...Brad legitimately wants to study...he wasn't cracking onto you...
DARIA
Well....good.
NEILL
Yeah...that boy is a few tyres
short of a Ute when it comes to women...he isn't that cunning...
DARIA
You talked about me?!?
NEILL
Yeah....it came up....don't worry
Daria...I very discrete about the whole thing
DARIA
The last time you tried to use
discretion, you ended up having to climb in through our window.
NEILL
True. But you know
musicians...they're usually oblivious to any sort of subtlety...
DARIA
I suppose that's true...
NEILL
Have I steered you wrong?
(Daria glares at him)
NEILL
Don't worry short stuff!
She'll be right!
DARIA
Who?
NEILL
Don't worry
DARIA
Well...okay...I've got to go
now...are we meeting you at the restaurant?
NEILL
Yeah...8 sharp...be there...I had
to call in a few favours to get us a table...
DARIA
Whatever...
(Daria exits)
(Neill gets a beer from the
fridge and then checks the answering machine)
MACHINE
You have 52 messages. Message
One. 'Hey Daria...its Trent...Janey said that you had something like...urgent...to
discuss with me....last night...hmm...I guess your not there...hmm...well you know where
to reach me I guess...don't call between 9 and 5...I'll probably be practising...it
counts if you don't drop it...heh heh. Okay...I'll see you around.'
(Neill looks surprised)
NEILL
If she called last
night....oh...this is Gold!! Gold!!
Scene VI (INT, Late
Afternoon, Brad's Dorm)
(Daria knocks on the door)
(Brad answers)
BRAD
Hey...Daria...thanks for coming....
(Daria grunts and enters)
(Daria looks around the dorm
room and finds the general squalor)
DARIA
Wow...this is a great place for
the focused mind to study...
BRAD
Whatever you say...
DARIA
So...I don't see any chairs
around here...where can I sit down?
BRAD
The couch
DARIA
Ahh...of course
(They sit down)
DARIA
Now...I'm assuming you've read
Catcher in the
BRAD
Yeah...it was part of the
course.....man...that is one messed up kid.
DARIA
Yes...by which standards are you
basing that statement of?
BRAD
What?
DARIA
Do you mean.....if the story
were set today...he'd be messed up?
BRAD
Yeah...I guess...
DARIA
Now...consider the values of the
50's...when it was written.
BRAD
What do you mean?
DARIA
Well, the 50's. It was a lot
more conservative back then, than it is now. If it were the 50's, Christie
would have died at the stake...but now...she just gets relentlessly hit on.
BRAD
Hmm...good point...so what your
saying is that he's even more messed up...because he was a character from the
50's...
DARIA
Right.
BRAD
Wow...you're smart...
DARIA
Yeah...do you know about the red
hunting hat?
BRAD
Red hunting hat?
DARIA
Yeah...he first premieres it in
his prep school...its pretty unique hat...
BRAD
Yeah...I think I remember...
DARIA
Good. Now...that is what we call
a symbol. It is a hat...but it represents something else...
BRAD
What?
DARIA
His hat is unique yes?
BRAD
I guess so...but I don't know
about the standard of hats back in the fifties...
DARIA
Well it was. Whenever he wore
it...it set him apart from everybody else...
BRAD
So the hat....it would
symbolise...his like....individuality or something...?
DARIA
Yeah...that's right. You know...I
thought I'd have a harder time of this...but you seem to catch on pretty
quickly.
BRAD
Well...I have a very smart
teacher...hey...about the hat...
DARIA
Yes?
BRAD
Well...they're kinda like you're
glasses right?
DARIA
What?
BRAD
Well, when you wear you're
glasses...it sets you apart from everybody else...you know?
DARIA
Hmm...Guess I never thought of
it like that...
BRAD
It's like...whenever I see those
glasses...it's like 'hey...it's Daria...cool...she doesn't give a damn about what
anybody thinks about her...'
DARIA
What makes you say I don't
give a damn...?
BRAD
Uhh...no reason...it's just
that...you're smart
DARIA
You already said that....
BRAD
Yeah...I guess I did...didn't I?
DARIA
Yes...anyhow...what did you think
about Allie?
BRAD
Who's Allie?
DARIA
Holden and Phoebe's brother...in
the book.
BRAD
Oh...yeah...I couldn't figure out
why it was such a big deal that Allie was dead...
DARIA
The death wasn't as such...no...it
was the way his parents dealt with the death...and with Holden after the death...
BRAD
How did they treat him?
DARIA
They did nothing...
BRAD
That doesn't sound too bad...
DARIA
That's just it though...they did
nothing. They swept it under the rug by just continuing their lives and sending
Holden away...now...knowing this...why do you think Holden keeps on failing at
school?
BRAD
That's a tough one...I guess
that he doesn't like it there...
DARIA
Half right. He doesn't like
being abandoned there...he fails in a subconscious effort to make his parents
deal directly with him...and deal with Allies death...you see...Holden needed closure
and guidance...but his parents failed him...and now he views the adult world as
'phoney'...he sees this world...and sees his parents. What Salinger is trying to
say is that most kids aren't messed up for no
particular reason...it's usually the fault of the parents...
BRAD
Wow...you're smart...
DARIA
Again...you said that...
BRAD
Oh right...sorry...
Scene VII (INT, Early
evening, Neill's Dorm)
(Neill walks over to the
phone)
(Neill looks at the speed dial
and then hits a button)
(Split screen with Jane)
JANE
Yo
NEILL
Is this
JANE
Speaking....I didn't throw paint
on your embassy did I?
NEILL
What? No...this is Daria
Morgandorffer's roommate.
JANE
Wait...you're the blonde guy?
NEILL
Yep...we met on the web cam...
JANE
Cute and an accent....I'm
surprised Daria hasn't jumped you yet
NEILL
She doesn't seem like the type
that jumps anybody...
JANE
Well...I guess that's
true...what's this about? Is Daria okay?
NEILL
I think so...I just called to
ask...who's
JANE
NEILL
Did Daria ever have a girlie
crush on him?
JANE
Yeah...ahh...good times...Why do you
ask?
NEILL
No reason....and may I ask...is
this Trent a musician?
JANE
Well...musician is such an
ambigious word...but yeah.
NEILL
This just keeps on getting
better...
JANE
What does?
NEILL
Nothing...may I also ask...does
she have an ex?
JANE
Yes...she does...why all the
questions...?
NEILL
Well...she gives so little of
herself up...you know?
JANE
Yeah...I do...but she did say she
was going to try to be more open about herself in college...
NEILL
Listen...I've got another
call...but this has been cool...when you come to
JANE
Hmm....I likes the thought...okay
then...bye...
(
(A new one opens with a
man...about 25...blonde)
NEILL
Hello?
MAN
How's it goin
ya bastard?
NEILL
Dezza! Mate!
DEZZA
Hows my little brother going
stateside?
NEILL
Yeah...can't complain...the accent
helps me get a root...so it's all good...
DEZZA
Bloody Oath! You Ripper!
NEILL
Yeah...so how's everybody
holding up without me?
DEZZA
Well, Shannaz has moved back to help dad with
the harvest...Oakies on the piss...I'm just settling into life with the missus...
NEILL
How is Katie?
DEZZA
Yeah...good...hasn't lost anything
after the honeymoon if you know what I mean...
(Both laugh)
DAZZA
So...how's the coursework like
over there?
NEILL
Piss weak.
DEZZA
Yeah Yeah...we
all know you're a smart arse...just remember to give us money when you've taken
over like Murdoch okay?
NEILL
Yeah...of course mate!
DEZZA
I don't say this enough...but
Mum would have been proud of you...god rest her soul...and we are too.
NEILL
What...did you suddenly turn
into a poof behind my back?
DEZZA
(Laughs) Okay mate...I've got to
go...this call is costing me a fortune
NEILL
Okay..see ya later ya bastard.
Scene VIII (INT, Early
evening, Christie's dorm)
(Phone rings)
CHRSITIE
Wait! I'm in a towel!
(She picks up the phone)
CHRISTIE
Hello?
WOMAN
Hello dear
CHRISTIE
Mom?
MOM
Yes...it's me
CHRISTIE
Wow! How are you doing?
MOM
Oh you know...trying to keep
busy...more importantly how are you doing?
CHRISTIE
Well...can't complain I
suppose...I've met some new people...
MOM
Wonderful! Who are they?
CHRISTIE
Well...there's this one guy
Neill...from Down Under...respects my sexuality and is really nice...quite smart too...
MOM
Wonderful! Anyone else?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...this one girl
Daria...really smart and funny...she digs my sense of humour....
MOM
Is it serious?
CHRISTIE
What? No! It's not like
that...Daria isn't exactly my type...so...how's Dad?
MOM
Oh well....you know...he's keeping
busy at the Drug Store...
CHRISTIE
Ok...
MOM
I'm sorry he couldn't be here
to speak to you...but you know...
CHRISTIE
Yeah (solemnly) I suppose...
MOM
Anyhow...don't let me keep
you...remember to call ok Honey?
CHRISTIE
Okay...
Scene IX (EXT, NIGHT,
Outside Chez
(Neill is waiting outside the
restaurant; he is dressed up for the occasion)
(Daria walks up)
NEILL
Hey Daria...how go the lessons?
DARIA
Ok I guess...he's catching
on...slowly...
NEILL
Well that's Brad for you...
DARIA
Yeah...I guess so...it was weird
though...kept on calling me smart...
NEILL
He did this repetitively?
(Surprised look on face)
DARIA
Yeah...I guess...why exactly do
you ask?
NEILL
No reason....
(Christie walks up. She's
wearing a peach dress that hugs...she's clearly made an effort)
NEILL
Whoa! Christie! Hot Damn!
Torture me why don't you?
CHRISTIE
Hey...teasing guys is how I get
my kicks... are we ready to go in?
NEILL
Yeah...looks like everybody is
accounted for...did you bring the camera?
CHRISTIE
You bet.
DARIA
Camera....I can't be
photographed...they steal my soul..
CHRISTIE
Lighten up Daria...the
photographs wont be used as incriminating evidence...unless...there's something
you're not telling us?...
DARIA
(Looks partially disgusted)
Let's just get this over with...
Scene X (INT, NIGHT,
Inside Chez
(Daria, Neill and Christie
sitting ordering)
CHRISTIE
You know...for some reason I
just got a flash...I remember my dad bringing me to a restaurant like this when I
was younger...when I was about 13....a year before I came out...
NEILL
What about you Daria...anything
to reminisce before we order?
DARIA
Well there was that time I
exposed President Nixon...no...wait...that was Deepthroat...
NEILL
Well Okay then.... (Calls to
waiter) Garcon!
(Waiter walks over)
NEILL
Oui, j'ai voudrais le poulet
dans le vin rouge pour mon cours principal. ..Les dames charmantes auront le
poisson dans la sauce de vin blanche avec les légumes de printemps. ..et le
poulet avec la sauce de frois grois. Merci Beacoup.
(Waiter leaves)
CHRISTIE
You speak French?
NEILL
Yeah...doesn't everyone?
CHRISTIE
Show off...
NEILL
You know it luv.
(Later they are eating)
DARIA
Wow...this isn't bad...
NEILL
Yeah...the radio foodie gave
this a pretty decent review.
CHRISTIE
This is damn good!
NEILL
Well don't thank just me...Daria
paid for half of this.
DARIA
Then shouldn't I get half the
food?
(Neill and Christie laugh)
NEILL
I think we should have a toast!
DARIA
To what?
NEILL
Don't know...I guess we'll
make it up as we go along...Christie?
CHRISTIE
Well....I guess I'll toast to
you two crazy gals. I've been here a year already...and I can honestly say that
I've never met people like you two. Daria...Smart...funny...proud of who she is.
Neill...accepting...warm...charming...to you two!
NEILL
Cheers! Well...I guess I'll
toast to you two as well. Christie...a true mate...through thick and thin. To
Daria...you know...people may see us as polar opposites...but I think deep down we're
quite similar...Cheers! Daria?
DARIA
And I was going to toast
Kim-Jong-Il...I guess Christie...It's good to find someone who can understand
symbolism in Fellini...Neill...Honest...patient...I guess...thanks for taking a shot on
me...and for letting me crash...
NEILL
No Probs. Cheers!
(They all clink glasses)
(A young woman walks up to the
table...quite nervous)
NEILL
Yes?
WOMAN
Excuse me...are you Neill
Hayden?
NEILL
You know it Luv...who's asking?
WOMAN
Oh My God! I saw you during
the game...you were great! I also love your show!
NEILL
Well thanks (slightly
confused)
WOMAN
I don't suppose...I can get your
autograph?
NEILL
My autograph?
WOMAN
If it isn't too much trouble...
NEILL
Yeah....sure....
(Neill signs napkin)
WOMAN
Thank you so much!
(Woman leaves)
NEILL
I have fans? (Still slightly
confused)
(Later in the evening...they are
all eating dessert)
DARIA
You know what...this is pretty
good...
NEILL
Christie...you've just got to
try some of these profiteroles!
CHRISTIE
Okay...(notices
a woman in the corner of the restaurant looking at Neill and Christie) Neill...
NEILL
The one in the red
dress?
CHRISTIE
Yep...ooh...she's cute too...
(Neill leaves to talk to woman
in the red dress)
CHRISTIE
So...Daria...how are you enjoying
the meal?
DARIA
Good...although I feel like an
idiot for not dressing up...
CHRISTIE
It's an evening at a French
restaurant...you've got to dress up...its in the U.N Charter...besides...how do you
dress when you go on your many dates?
(Daria blushes)
CHRISTIE
Neill's right...that is fun!
(Neill returns)
DARIA
Get another number?
NEILL
Not as such...she wasn't staring
at me... (Looks at Christie)
(Christie looks surprised)
NEILL
Go...You are so in there!
(Christie leaves in a hurry)
DARIA
She was staring at Christie
NEILL
Yep.
DARIA
How's your ego?
NEILL
Still the size of a small
planet...besides...if I had gotten hurt about that...I would be hurt that Christie
isn't succumbing to my charms. There are just some things you can't help...you
know?
DARIA
I guess so
(Christie walks over with
woman in red dress)
CHRISTIE
Listen...we're getting out of
here....do you mind? It's just that this doesn't happen often...
NEILL
Go...but take pictures...
(Christie sticks out her
tongue at Neill and the leaves)
NEILL
Well...I guess it's just us two
short stuff...
DARIA
I guess so...
NEILL
So...this paper submitted to Mr.
Hamilton...what was it about again?
DARIA
Uhh...International relations in
the Asia/Pacific region...
NEILL
Fascinating...tell me...what's
your opinion on Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono?
DARIA
What?
NEILL
I think his militant past and his stance on relations
with the west serve to incite further unrest in the region...what's your opinion?
DARIA
Ummm.... (The penny drops) You're onto me aren't you?
NEILL
Like a rash on a mangy dog. We got a message this
morning.
DARIA
We did?
NEILL
Yeah...
DARIA
Oh...
(Silence follows)
NEILL
Do you want to talk about it?
DARIA
No...definitely not...
NEILL
Why did you try to cover up?
DARIA
So you don't ask awkward questions...
NEILL
Well as long as you don't give us info...we'll dig
further into you...
DARIA
Fine. Who's the woman in the photos?
NEILL
Damn...you're good at this passive aggressive stuff....she
was my mother...
DARIA
Oh...I'm sorry...
NEILL
She died during childbirth...(points
to himself)....it's not like we bonded or something...
DARIA
Why were you saying sorry?
NEILL
(Considers) It's a long story...
DARIA
Well...if you ever want to talk about anything...you know
where my room is...
NEILL
Thanks...(smiles and picks up
glass)...to making the call.
DARIA
To making the call
(They clink glasses)
END
-Who is the mystery woman in red? Why does Christie
have a rocky relationship with her father? What lessons will Brad take out of
Catcher in the
(Authors Notes)
**7 down. As Neill
has been the seeming focus of the series so far, the focus will switch to
Christie**
*Questions? Comments? Philosophical ramblings? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *