THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 6
KICKING
FOR THE WIN
(Daria takes some advice about
taking a chance, while Neill becomes a campus hero)
Scene I (INT, DAY,
Neill's Dorm)
NEILL
(Talking into phone) Dr Smith please.....yes....thank
you...
DR SMITH
Ahh...if it isn't my favourite
Cane toad
NEILL
Cockroach...
(Both chuckle)
DR SMITH
What's this about? Still
suffering commitment issues?
NEILL
Yes...but this is worse...
DR SMITH
Are the flashes coming back?
NEILL
Yeah...
DR SMITH
So the change of scenery
didn't work eh?
NEILL
No...I still can't get rid of
the guilt...
DR SMITH
You know it wasn't your fault
right?
NEILL
Logically yes...I'm not too sure
about my subconscious....if I had truly accepted a rational truth...then I wouldn't
be having these flashes right?
DR SMITH
Why don't you describe the
dream to me? It may reveal some clues...
NEILL
Well, I was young...I walked
over to her grave and put a single rose on it...I can't remember if it actually
happened or not...I did visit her grave every week...
DR SMITH
So you're making progress...I'm
curious...you say it was a rose you put on her grave?
NEILL
Yes? Why do you ask Dr Freud?
DR SMITH
I think your guilt over her death
is causing a number of issues to arise...in dreams...we see a rose as a sign of
romantic attachment...tell me...what were you doing right before you had the flash?
NEILL
Talking to Daria about my fear
of commitment...the rose...it stems from my fear of intimacy doesn't it?
DR SMITH
For a cane toad, you're a
clever lad...and good with puns...but it isn't a fear of intimacy you have...it's a
fear of attachment.
NEILL
Intimacy and Attachment are
the same aren't they?
DR SMITH
Similar...but not the same.
You're not afraid of letting your walls down...you're afraid of letting them down
to the wrong person.
NEILL
What do you mean?
DR SMITH
You bonded with one
person...these things can be traced to very early childhood you see...and you're
afraid of losing someone close to fate again...so you remain distant by trying to
be perfect...I've seen it before...what you have to realise Neill, is that the
incident was not your fault...and you don't have to make up for it to those who
knew her by trying to be perfect... you don't have to substitute yourself for
her...it's a pointless exercise anyhow...
NEILL
You did always know me better
than I knew myself...
DR SMITH
Hey, I'm good at what I
do...This Daria person...
NEILL
Yes? She's my roommate
DR SMITH
Wow, you don't waste time do
you?
NEILL
No...it's nothing like that...I
see her as more of a sister than anything else...
DR SMITH
And you say that you were
opening up to her before you had these flashes?
NEILL
Yes...what are you getting at?
DR SMITH
Why?
NEILL
Why what?
DR SMITH
Why her?
NEILL
Don't know...I guess I just feel
comfortable with her...you know? I can talk to her...as purely a platonic friend...I
can talk to her...and not imagine what her face would look like in the middle of
an orgasm...
DR SMITH
Hmmm...Neill, this is what I
want you to do...find out all about Daria...and try to let a little of yourself out
as well...report back to me in a week...
NEILL
Ok...I suppose I could do
that...What's the damage?
DR SMITH
Nothing...Neill...you could do so much
with your life...top of the State in School...Under 18's Captain...hell...you took care
of 4 men for 19 years...if you could just get over this hurdle...you could do so
much...and I'd like to be able to say 'I knew him when...'.
NEILL
Well, thanks...I'll talk to you
in a week
(Neill hangs up phone)
Scene II (INT, DAY,
Christie's Dorm)
DARIA
So then Neill starts saying
something about being sorry
CHRISTIE
Odd...you sure he wasn't drunk?
Because if you're drunk it doesn't count...
DARIA
No, that's the thing...he was
perfectly sober...
CHRISTIE
Hmm...curiouser and curiouser...
DARIA
He's been acting weird all
week...
CHRISTIE
Well, that's what abstinence
will do to you...I mean...once you've actually done the deed I mean...(smiles slyly at Daria)
DARIA
Umm...speaking of doing the deed...umm...
CHRISTIE
Did I hook up?
DARIA
Uhh...yeah
CHRISTIE
Well yes and no...got a couple
of girls to make out with me...and who would've thought that Swedish gymnasts
would've been bi?
DARIA
Yeah...sure
CHRISTIE
Awww...little Daria is getting
uncomfortable...ok then...I saw you talking to Brad...what's going on between you
two?
DARIA
Well, he was talking...I was
merely nodding my head...
CHRISTIE
Still shy?
DARIA
No...bored.
(Christie raises an eyebrow)
CHRISTIE
Were you bored when you used
to talk to this
DARIA
I don't want to talk about it.
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria! I just know
there's a little girl in there trying to get out...
DARIA
There is...she was annoying me
so I ate her
(Christie Sighs)
CHRISTIE
Fine...are you going to the game
tomorrow night?
DARIA
Let's
see...Football...Beer...People...I think I'll take a raincheck
CHRISTIE
I think we should go...
DARIA
Why? You hate football.
CHRISTIE
I meant for Neill...it's his
first game...and considering the week he's had... we should be there for him...
DARIA
I suppose you're right...but if
a football gets within 2 feet of me...I'm holding you responsible...and my
vengeance will be swift and sadistic.
CHRISTIE
Will it also be Silly, Sad,
and Surprising?
DARIA
Don't say I didn't warn you...
CHRISTIE
I'm onto you Daria...you talk a
big game...but you've got nothing Morgandorffer...Nothing
DARIA
Oh...I have game...As you will all
too painfully find out one of these days.
CHRISTIE
Is that a promise?
DARIA
Not so much a promise....more of
a mission statement.
Scene III (INT, Day,
Deans Office)
DEAN BLACK
Thank you for meeting me here
Coach Kline
COACH KLINE
Not at all Dean...it's an honour
and a privilege to be here sir!
DEAN
Let's cut the small talk.
Tomorrow's game...do we stand a chance?
COACH
Yes sir!
DEAN
Because the last time I asked
you that question, we went 21 games without a win...do I need to be worried?
COACH
No sir! Thanks to this new
kicker we've got. He can kick the ball a country mile...and he never misses a
field goal...it's incredible...maybe next year we can recruit from Russia...get some
muscle in our offensive line...
DEAN
Well I certainly hope he lives
up to expectation Coach Kline...this game against Edgewater is perhaps one of the
most important...(Under breath) Damn Ferguson....looking all smug on the cover of
Dean Weekly....(Speaks up) Do I need remind you that if we lose this
game...consequences will be severe...for all concerned...?
COACH
(Nervous) No...not at all...you
make yourself clear...crystal sir... (Gulps)
DEAN
Well good...you may go now.
(Coach Kline departs...Dean
Black ponders for a while, before pushing the intercom button)
DEAN
Betty? Could you get me Neill
Hayden into my office?
Scene IV (INT, DAY,
Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Neill enters the room)
NEILL
Ladies. How's it goin'?
CHRISTIE
Oh Neill...we were just talking
about you, weren't we Daria?
DARIA
Yes. Neill...which type of
coffin do you like?
NEILL
Just skin me and hang it on
the shed. Christie...can I have a word with Daria?
CHRISTIE
(Confused)
Yeah...sure...Daria...I'll see you tonight.
(Christie leaves)
NEILL
Hey...I want to talk about last
night...
DARIA
Ummm....ok...I have coursework to
do...
NEILL
Now I know that you're 8 weeks
ahead on each class....if you don't want to talk bout it...all you have to do is
say...
DARIA
No...(conceding
the point)...I guess you could use an impartial sounding board...besides...I'm a
girl...may help with perspective.
NEILL
Good. I want to apologise for
what you witnessed last night...
DARIA
The party? Well...I guess that
one gets used to those things...
NEILL
You know what I'm talking
about...
(Daria looks down)
NEILL
Listen...this isn't going to be
some huge, dramatic moment. I just wanted to say that if I ever make you feel
awkward like that again...don't be afraid to pull me up on it.
DARIA
Wait...you're apologising?
NEILL
Yeah...
DARIA
Why?
NEILL
Because...you know....just because
DARIA
Oh.
NEILL
I suppose I should explain my
actions...it's the woman in those photos's...back in
(Knock at the door)
(The knock throws Neill off)
DARIA
I'll get it.
(Daria opens the door)
(There's a woman at the door)
DARIA
Yes?
WOMAN
Are you Neill Hayden?
DARIA
Yes...I'm also a transgender
magician...able to change sexes at whim
WOMAN
Listen, all that I've been
told that the Dean wants to see a Neill Hayden...if you see him...tell him okay?
DARIA
Doesn't this involve some sort
of fee?
(Woman glares and leaves)
DARIA
Damn...Hey Neill?
NEILL
Yeah mate?
DARIA
The Dean wants to see you.
NEILL
The Dean? What the hell did I
do?
DARIA
I don't know...want to take my pepper
spray?
NEILL
Nah...I can take him.
Scene V (INT, DAY,
Dean's office)
(Neill enters)
DEAN
Ahhh... Neill my boy! Take a
seat.
NEILL
(Confused) Okay sir...
DEAN
Enough with the sir
business...we're all friends here.
NEILL
Alright then...Dean Black...what's
this about?
DEAN
Just wanted to see how our
star kicker is
NEILL
Star kicker?
DEAN
From what I've heard...you're
the best thing to happen to our team in years
NEILL
Me?
DEAN
Yes. Apparently nobody can come close to kicking a
ball like you do.
NEILL
Well, we grow up kicking the
ball in our country...whereas your mob throws a ball around...
DEAN
Interesting. Tell me...how's the
room?
NEILL
Great
DEAN
How's life treating you?
NEILL
Can't complain...
DEAN
No niggling injuries?
NEILL
Not that I know of...listen...am I
in some sort of trouble or something?
DEAN
No...just wanted to make sure
you were enjoying your stay at Raft
NEILL
I am sir.
DEAN
It's Richard
NEILL
Okay...Richard...may I go now?
DEAN
Of course.
(Neill gets up...still slightly
confused...then leaves)
DEAN
Good. All the pieces are
falling into place...and maybe this year I can wipe the smug smirk off that damn
Scene VI (INT, DAY,
Neill's Dorm)
CHRISTIE
So he just calls you into his
office...for a friendly chat?
NEILL
I guess so
CHRISTIE
Damn...I've never heard of
anybody entering alive and leaving in the same state
NEILL
Well...I am slightly confused...
CHRISTIE
Aren't we all?
NEILL
I guess so.
CHRISTIE
Change of topic. I don't
suppose you could wrangle some tickets for Daria and I
tonight?
NEILL
You...Daria...Football?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...we decided to show our
support...we know you've had a rough week...so we decided to come and support you.
NEILL
I guess I could scrounge up some
tickets....but why are you so concerned?
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
NEILL
Well, you don't strike me as
the sort of person that gives a crap...about anything.
CHRISTIE
Well, that's mostly true.
We've all got skeletons in the closet though.
(Neill gives Christie an
enquiring look)
CHRISTIE
All shall be revealed in time...
NEILL
Okay...
(Daria enters)
CHRISTIE
Hey girly.
NEILL
G'Day short stuff!
DARIA
I can come back...
NEILL
Nah...come on in!
CHRISTIE
Join the insanity!
DARIA
No thank you...I'm fine with my
early senility. I'm not interrupting anything?
NEILL
Not that I know of...oh...Christie
was about to tell me about her hometown.
CHRISTIE
I was?
(Sly look from Neill)
CHRISTIE
Oh...yeah. Well, what can I tell
you? I'm from
NEILL
What about you Daria?
DARIA
Oh no. I don't give out information
like that unless I'm being paid.
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria! The more we
know...the less we'll bug you!
NEILL
Yeah!
CHRISTIE
You don't want us asking
uncomfortable questions all the time...about Brad...
NEILL
DARIA
Fine...damn you. I'm from
NEILL
Come on! I'll tell you about
my childhood if you tell me about yours.
DARIA
What an incentive. Just let me
go and get some paper and a pen so I can write down whatever you say...
CHRISTIE
Come on Daria...I want to hear
all about
DARIA
Well...in truth...there's not that
much to tell. Moved there in junior year...met Jane...
NEILL
She was the one on the web
cam?
DARIA
How did you see her on the web
cam?
NEILL
Don't worry...continue.
DARIA
Well...Jane...you'd like her
Christie.
CHRISTIE
She likes women too?
DARIA
No...although she was sketchy
after art colony...no...she was sane...you know...she could see the stupidity of
others...
CHRISTIE
Ahhh...a rarity indeed. Tell us
about your ex.
NEILL
She has an ex?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...I know! Freaky!
(Daria blushes and leaves)
NEILL
Damn
CHRISTIE
Maybe we shouldn't push her so
hard...
NEILL
But then how will I get my kicks?
It's like a slowly unfolding soap opera...next thing you know...her ex will be
going out with her best friend......
CHRISTIE
I know what you mean...the fact
that she gives away so little just makes it just that little bit more
intriguing.
NEILL
You think that this ex has
anything to do with this whole Trent/Brad saga?
CHRISTIE
Don't know
NEILL
I reckon at least 10-1 odds on
though
Scene VII (EXT, DUSK,
Courtyard)
(Daria walking through
Quad...trying to gather thoughts)
DARIA
V.O- Why the hell did they want
to know so much? Are they onto my secret super-weapon project?
(Brad walking up...notices
Daria)
DARIA
V.O- The last thing I want
right now...no...the last thing I want is an enema.
BRAD
Hey...Daria...Cool
DARIA
Hey Brad...the band taking a
break?
BRAD
Yeah
DARIA
So....what's new?
BRAD
You know...party...practice...the
usual...Hey, are you going to the game tonight?
DARIA
Is everybody going to this
damn game?
BRAD
Yeah...should be
massive...besides...its Neill's debut...got to be there....you know...support and stuff...
DARIA
Yeah...I guess
BRAD
Cool...we're having another gig
at the Pimento this weekend......if you wanted to come......it'll be cool...
DARIA
Yeah...sure (blushes)
BRAD
Cool...I've got to go now...you
know...band stuff...
DARIA
Cool
(Brad walks off)
DARIA
V.O- Dammit! Damn hormones...
(Professor Hamilton walks by)
PROFESSOR HAMILTON
Ahh...Daria. Just the girl I
wanted to see.
DARIA
You did?
Yes...I just wanted to comment
on your writing...have you ever considered submitting some of your work to
publishing houses?
DARIA
Once...
I'm rather surprised that
somebody didn't try to push you to do this earlier.
DARIA
Well...they did...
And you haven't been published
yet?
DARIA
I only submitted to one
magazine.
Well if you ever wanted to
broaden your horizons...I've got some contacts who would love your work.
DARIA
Well...thank you...sir...I'll
consider it.
See that you do.
(Daria leaves)
Scene IX (EXT, DUSK,
Courtyard)
(Daria enters a phone booth
and dials a number)
AMY
Hello?
DARIA
Hey
AMY
Hey...if it isn't my favourite
niece!
DARIA
Can I talk to you?
AMY
Well...I do have that top secret
weapons project to work on...but sure.
DARIA
Did you ever get attracted
to...the wrong guy?
AMY
What do you mean?
DARIA
It's just that all my
life...I've been cursed with this brain. I can see people...but I also see all of
their insecurities and faults...I can see if someone is incredibly stupid...dull...or
just plain wrong for me...so why do I seem to get attracted to the wrong guy?
AMY
Hmmm...tough question...I can only
tell you what I've learned from years of abject humiliation...Daria...it's going to
be really hard for you to find a guy that's right for you on first
impressions...because you're unique.
DARIA
Just like everybody else
AMY
Chances are that you're going
to find most guys dull and stupid...it is a curse...but it's also a gift. It's a
double edged sword. Have you ever heard of the phrase nothing ventured, nothing
gained?
DARIA
So you're saying that even
though I can see that these guys are idiots...I should take a chance?
AMY
Precisely...besides...I've been
lead to believe that you took a chance on that Tom guy...did you regret it?
DARIA
For the first few weeks
sure...but after that...no.
AMY
Listen...for every slacker out
there...there's an intelligent guy...besides...didn't you hate Tom before you dated
him?
DARIA
I guess that's true...but then I
got to know him better...
AMY
Precisely...and as to why you
get attracted to the wrong guy...it's a Barksdale thing...believe me...I've been
involved with lots of guys that were wrong for me...
DARIA
I'll take your word for
it...thanks
AMY
Any time...
(Daria hangs up)
Scene X (INT, EXT,
NIGHT, The Big Game)
(The Coach is addressing the
players before the big game)
COACH
(Nervously) We all know how important
this game is for all of us...This game is a matter of inches...you've got to go out
there and win for your team...push the envelope...you've got to inspire me...don't
lose...good god don't lose!
NEILL
Wow...that was the speech of the
century
STEVE
Hell Yeah! Woooo!
(All the players run out,
pumped up, except for Neill who just looks bemused)
(Out in the stands)
DARIA
Yes...but if your take
hostages...you've got to feed them and keep them healthy for the ransom.
CHRISTIE
Ah yes...but here's the
beautiful part of the plan...
(Players emerge to the roar of
the crowd)
(Pan up to commentary box)
COMMENTATOR
Welcome sports fans! This is
Randy Goat calling the Edgewater vs. Raft classic! This one should be a
blockbuster folks! Edgewater have won the past 10 encounters between the
teams...but now their on our patch...and Raft is set to unveil secret weapon,
Raft Radio's own Neill Hayden!
(Neill runs out to girlish
cheers)
(Pan to Christie)
CHRISTIE
Wow...it's almost sickening...
DARIA
Almost?
CHRISTIE
Did I say almost...I meant to
say absolutely.
DARIA
Amen to that sister.
(Cut to Neill, who is about to
kick off)
(Cut to Commentary Box)
COMMENTATOR
Ok...here we go folks! The Kicks
high.....and deep.....really deep....that's a huge kick....and the receiver is down! 25
yards form the end zone! Raft have pinned Edgewater back on the first play of
the night!
(Zoom to Daria and Christie)
CHRISTIE
Wow...I forgot how boring this
game could be...
DARIA
Go team go
(Shots of the game going on...to
shots of Christie and Daria looking really bored)
COMMENTATOR
And that's Half-Time folks!
What a half Sports Fans! Raft...not given a chance before the game...have
remained level at the half...that's a first for Raft!
(Cut to dressing room)
COACH
Ok...(still nervous)...good
hustle...good hustle...okay...we're one half away from overtime....try to send it into
overtime...that way...we don't lose...(nervous laugh)
NEILL
Wait? We're not going to try
to win in normal time?
STEVE
Woooooo!
NEILL
Shut up Steve!
COACH
No...we'll take it into
overtime...then we rely on your foot to kick some field goals...
NEILL
So...your plan is to lock down?
For an entire half?
COACH
Yes...now...go out there...don't let
them complete one pass!
STEVE
Woooooo!
NEILL
SHUT UP STEVE!
(Cut to stands)
DARIA
Do we really have to be here
for the second half?
CHRISTIE
Yep. What's the point of
leaving half-way through?
DARIA
The fact that we wouldn't have
to watch a half of football.
CHRISTIE
Listen...I came to support Neill.
You don't think I hate this stupid game...because I do...it's just that...if you're
going to do something...you've got to do the whole thing!
DARIA
(Surprised by Christie's
outburst) Okay...I guess we'll stay then...
(Pan to commentator)
COMMENTATOR
Okay folks! Get ready for some
second half action as the teams come out onto the field...Raft led by Captain
Steve Harley!
(Zoom to Steve)
STEVE
Woooooooo!
NEILL
If you don't shut up...I'm going
to ram my foot up your arse!
(Zoom to Christie)
CHRISTIE
(Yelling) Woooo! Go Neill!
(Daria looks surprised)
CHRISTIE
What? If you're going to show
support...you might as well throw your inhibitions out at the door.
DARIA
I don't even know who you are
anymore...
CHRISTIE
Did you know me in the first
place?
DARIA
Good point.
(Shots of action)
COMMENTATOR
And with 5 seconds left on the
clock...Neill Hayden has the chance to tie up the game with a field goal...
(Zoom to Neill about to take
the kick...he suddenly stops)
COMMENTATOR
And Neill Hayden is calling
the team together! What do they have to talk about folks? All he has to do is
put the ball through to send this sucker to overtime!
(Shot of coach on sideline)
COACH
What in hell is that boy
doing?!
(From sidelines)
DEAN
I certainly hope that your
star player doesn't jeopardise the result...do I need to remind you of the
consequences if we lose?
(The Coach faints...nobody seems
to care)
(Zoom to huddle)
NEILL
Okay...were going to win this
now.
STEVE
God dammit Neill! I'm the
captain and I say put the ball over!
NEILL
Well, I'm the kicker...and it
seems as if the coach won't be making any substitutions soon! Do I make myself
clear Sunshine?
STEVE
Yes'm
NEILL
Good...now how many of you
watched the World Cup final?...this play is from the Lote Tuquiri playbook...
(Confused looks from team)
NEILL
Whatever...this is what we do...
(Zoom to Daria and Christie)
CHRISTIE
I wonder what they're talking
about?
DARIA
My moneys on the Marxist
viewpoint of capitalism in
(Zoom to Neill and team mates)
NEILL
Robbo. Do you think you can
get past your marker?
ROBERT
You bet I can!
NEILL
Good...and you play basketball
as well?
ROBERT
Yep.
NEILL
Good...we need a good jumper...
(Zoom to Commentary box)
COMMENTATOR
And they still appear to be
discussing something...you know...believe it or not...I think they may be going for
the win! Big play coming up sports fans!
(Zoom to players in positions,
Neill nods to Robert)
COMMENTATOR
This is it folks! It all comes
down to this! Hayden has the ball...the shot...It's wide! And High! It's heading
for the corner! Robert Small has snuck past his man....he jumps....he catches the
ball and he's over! We'll wait for the referee's decision!
(Shot of referee giving
'touchdown' signal)
COMMENTATOR
It's good! Raft has won in the
first time in 5 years! We've seen something special tonight folks!
(Crowd goes nuts)
Scene XI (INT, NIGHT,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Christie and Daria sitting in
Daria's dorm)
CHRISTIE
Wow! What a game! I don't
usually like football but wow!
(Daria looks at Christie
suspiciously)
CHRISTIE
You know Daria...it wouldn't
hurt if you got lost in the moment once in a while. You know...take a chance
(Neill enters)
CHRISTIE
Ahhh...there's the hero now.
NEILL
I'm no hero...but I do have
superpowers. I'm glad you liked the game. What about you Daria?
DARIA
Well...I didn't get any horrific
scars...and at the end of the day...isn't that what matters?
NEILL
Ahhh...praise from Caesar...or in
this case...Julia.
CHRISTIE
If all football was like
that...I may consider going to another game...maybe...if you pay me...in Nazi gold.
NEILL
Yeah...If I had Nazi gold...I'd be
at the playboy mansion living it up. Have you two had dinner yet?
DARIA
Does congealed fat wrapped in
a cardboard bun count as food?
CHRISTIE
According to health and safety
experts the 5 second rule is valid...
NEILL
Well okay...I'll be cooking duck
a l'orange if you girls want any.
CHRISTIE
Hey Neill...I meant to ask...I've
never attempted to play any sport...so I've got to ask...what was going through
your mind before the kick?
NEILL
Well...I guess I was just
thinking that sometimes in life you've got to take a chance. Whether it is on a
play or on a person (looks at Daria)...sometimes the greatest reward comes when
you take a crack...when you go beyond safety zones and dare to dream...
DARIA
(Considers his words) I'll be
back...I've got something I have to do.
(Daria exits)
CHRISTIE
What was that all about?
NEILL
I think Daria's about to kick
for the win.
Scene XII (EXT, NIGHT,
Courtyard)
(Daria walks to payphone)
(Split screen with Jane)
JANE
Hello?
DARIA
Hey
JANE
Hey! What's up?
DARIA
Nothing much...you know...deities
in the sewers...you know...the usual...
JANE
Sounds fun....did you just want
to talk?
DARIA
Yes and no...Is
END
-
What will become of the mysterious phone call to
(Authors Notes)
**Wow! That's half a dozen
already! Keep tuned folks...some really good episodes coming in the next few
episodes. (P.S. I don't even know if the play
mentioned is legal or not. I've patched what I know about the game through
movies like Any Given Sunday and what little of the game we get over here)**
*Questions? Comments? Random
Pigeon fan mail? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com*