THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE: A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 4

SURROGATE IN E MINOR

(Daria faces her feelings about a certain musician, while Neill wreaks a terrible vengeance)

 

Scene I (INT, Day, Morgandorffer Home, Lounge)

 

HELEN

And where do you think you're going young lady?

 

QUINN

There's a sale on at Cashman's! 40% off all pure cotton...not blends though, because blends are just so last month. It's like...

 

HELEN

Well not today. We're calling Daria as a family

 

QUINN

But Mu-oom! The sale's for one day only! And Daria can call anytime!

 

HELEN

We are calling Daria as a family, and that's final! Where is your father...?

 

JAKE

In here honey! Just making risotto

 

HELEN

Well stop it right now! We're calling Daria!

 

JAKE

But the risotto will burn!

 

HELEN

Jake!

 

JAKE

Yes Ma'am....

 

HELEN

Now, I'll put it on speaker phone...so we can all talk to her...and not just sneak off (glares at Quinn)

 

QUINN

Ok, Ok...

 

(Helen dials a few numbers)

 

(Split screen with Neill)

 

NEILL

G'day?

 

HELEN

Did I ring an embassy by mistake.....? Oh! Hello young man...is this the room of Daria Morgandorffer?

 

NEILL

Bang on the money!

 

JAKE

Can we speak with her, young man?

 

NEILL

Yep. Just a second......Daria! Phone!.......who may I say is calling?

 

HELEN

It's her family

 

NEILL

She has family? Well, here she is...

 

QUINN

That guy sounded cute!

 

DARIA

Hello?

 

JAKE

Hey Kiddo!

 

DARIA

Oh, Hi dad...

 

HELEN

Hi Honey!

 

DARIA

And mom...

 

QUINN

That guy sounded cute Daria!

 

DARIA

And if it isn't my favourite cousin...

 

HELEN

We just wanted to call to see how you are...you never call us you know......and who was that guy on the phone...

 

DARIA

Umm...I'm ok, I guess. I'm sorry if you feel neglected....maybe you should buy a puppy...

 

QUINN

Can we!!??

 

HELEN

We discussed this last year Quinn, you don't buy living things because they're cute...

 

DARIA

You should buy a snake then...

 

JAKE

We're getting a snake???!!!

 

HELEN

No Jake.

 

QUINN

Who was that guy before?

 

DARIA

Him, that's just my roommate...

 

HELEN

You're in a room with a guy!!?? Damn administration must have screwed up, I thought that Raft wasn't Co-Ed.

 

DARIA

It isn't...

 

JAKE

Daria's in a room with a guy, and it's a choice.....we have to deal with this with the upmost of delicacy...don't ask Daria direct questions...

 

HELEN

We're on speaker phone Jake!...Daria...this guy hasn't tried to get you to do anything....you know...

 

DARIA

Well, between all the making out we've been doing, there hasn't been time to do much...although...

 

HELEN

You're joking, aren't you? (getting worried)

 

DARIA

(sighs) Yes mom...Neill's not that type of guy, not with me anyhow...

 

QUINN

Do I hear a note of jealousy?

 

DARIA

No, all you can hear is the sound of cash registers...

 

JAKE

I don't hear anything...

 

HELEN

Jake...

 

DARIA

As pleasant as this has been, I have to go now....you know...my hectic schedule...

 

HELEN

Ok....just make sure you call us every so often ok?

 

DARIA

Fine... bye... (hangs up phone, split screen ends)

 

DARIA

Damn family, wanting to be all family like with me.

 

NEILL

Hey, Daria, you didn't tell me you had family...

 

DARIA

Well, not family in the traditional sense, more like donors...scientists...electricity...

 

NEILL

Fine, be like that. I've got to go anyhow, practice, I'll see you.....around

 

(Christie enters as Neill leaves)

 

NEILL

Hey, I'm just going to practice, are we still on for later?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah, I'll meet you after practice

 

NEILL

Aren't you worried about Steve?

 

CHRISTIE

Me? Worried? About Steve? You're a funny one aren't you...

 

NEILL

You know it....anyhow, see ya later.

 

(Neill Leaves)

 

CHRISTIE

OK. Hey Daria

 

DARIA

Hey

 

CHRISTIE

I just wanted to come up and tell you that your first shift is tomorrow night, and to give you your uniform...Don't worry, it's nothing too ostentatious.

 

DARIA

I hope not...I have bad memories of my last job...I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night smelling peanuts...

 

CHRISTIE

Ok then.....whatever you say...now some nice men in white coats will be around today to take you to a nice eggshell white room

 

DARIA

I prefer Jim Mack grey.

 

CHRISTIE

Doesn't everybody...I meant to ask, what are you doing today?

 

DARIA

Well, I've read all of my course literature already, and I'm 7 weeks ahead on my coursework...so I thought I may try to bring communism from Cuba...

 

CHRISTIE

Because I'm going to the Pimento to see the Random Pigeons play....a new up-and coming punk/blues/heavy metal band...should be cool.

 

DARIA

The Random Pigeons? (Asking nervously)

 

CHRISTIE

Got a fear of pigeons...Randomly?

 

DARIA

Not that I know of....Sorry....I just don't feel up to it

 

CHRISTIE

Well, don't say I didn't offer...

 

DARIA

Deal

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I'll see you around...

 

DARIA

Yeah, bye.

 

Scene II (EXT, Day, Neill sitting on bleachers in full football uniform, surrounded by Cheerleaders)

 

NEILL

So then, I wrestled the croc into submission.

 

CHEERLEADER #1

Wow!

 

CHEERLEADER #2

Yeah! Wow! You're so manly

 

NEILL

You know it luv

 

CHEERLEADER #3

And tall as well

 

NEILL

Luv, I'm both tall and long...if you catch my drift...

 

(Cheerleaders giggle)

 

COACH

Neill! Get your ass out here! This play requires a kicker! If you just stopped fraternisin' and trying to score, you could make a great player!

 

NEILL

I thought the object of the game was to score...

 

COACH

Just get out here...

 

NEILL

(under breath) Bah...this game's just a poor man's rugby anyhow...

 

(Christie walks up to bleachers)

 

CHRISTIE

You gals seen Neill?

 

CHEERLEADER #1

(Points to field) He's just doing some kicking practice....who wants to know? (Feeling threatened by the presence of a girl who has prior association with Neill)

 

CHRISTIE

Christie

 

CHEERLEADER #2

I don't see why he'd go for you! He has all of us to choose from

 

CHRISTIE

Don't worry ladies...I'm not closing in on your time with him...in fact I encourage it....I may get the ones he doesn't want...

 

CHEERLEADER #3

I'm not sure I get your meaning

 

CHRISTIE

Meet me in half an hour behind the bleachers and things will become clearer to you... (Raises eyebrows)

 

(Cheerleaders becoming embarrassed)

 

(Neill approaches)

 

CHRISTIE

Ahh, here comes Skippy now.  

 

NEILL

Hey Christie...ready to go?

 

CHRISTIE

Don't you need to shower and stuff?

 

NEILL

I'm a kicker, I sit around and kick every so often....not that strenuous......

 

CHRISTIE

Ok, well let's go...

 

NEILL

Well ladies, it's been nice meeting you all, you all have my room number right?

 

(Cheerleaders giggle)

 

CHRISTIE

Cheerleaders...nice work...

 

NEILL

Thanks... They're a few bricks shot of a wall, but hey, they're cheerleaders...

 

 

CHRISTIE

I'm guessing that hooking up with Cheerleaders is a life goal for you?

 

NEILL

Yep, it's half the reason I came to this country...

 

CHRISTIE

Did I tell you that I offered Daria a chance to see the Random Pigeons...

 

NEILL

What'd she say?

 

CHRISTIE

She got all evasive...

 

NEILL

You can tell when she's being evasive and when she's being normal?

 

CHRISTIE

Well, you know, chicks bond...

 

NEILL

I'm forming a mental picture right now...what type of leather do you like?

 

CHRISTIE

Don't make me kill you...

 

NEILL

I reckon I know why she didn't want to come...

 

CHRISTIE

Curiouser and Curiouser...

 

NEILL

I'll fill you in later...

 

(Steve approaches)

 

CHRISTIE

If it isn't Captain America.

 

STEVE

Hey baby, ready to let me rock your world?

 

CHRISTIE

Yes, because my 'disease' is just a cry for a big, strong man to come along and make things alright. It's what I've been holding out for all of these years. I just haven't found the right guy yet...will you be that guy Steve?

 

STEVE

I knew it!

 

CHRISTIE

Ugh. Neill, I'll meet you at the Pimento...

 

(Christie leaves)

 

NEILL

Mate, you are so in there!

 

STEVE

Uhh...You think?

 

NEILL

Yeah mate! Just keep on being persistent...and you'll break her down...word of advice though...your not being forthright enough...you should try to be more obvious with your pick up lines...

 

STEVE

You think so?

 

NEILL

Of course mate!

 

Scene III (INT, Day, room 312, Daria talking to Jane via web cam)

 

JANE

So then they had to sedate Mr Demartino...

 

DARIA

Why does the interesting stuff only happen when I'm away from Lawndale?

 

JANE

I don't know...by the way, I met your roommate the other day...nice...

 

DARIA

I'd knew you'd like him...you always did like the pretty boys...

 

JANE

Hey!....well...that's pretty much true...

 

DARIA

I rest my case...

 

JANE

I also met a certain musician...Pretty cute Daria...you should ask him out.

 

DARIA

And you should die a horrible death involving fungus

 

JANE

Come on Daria! It's the new millennium...we can ask guys out now...

 

DARIA

We can also put a man on the moon...would you like to go to the moon Jane....?

 

JANE

You've been watching too much Honeymooners.

 

DARIA

So...how's Trent?

 

JANE

Oh, you know, it's his hibernation season...

 

DARIA

He has a hibernation season?

 

JANE

It runs all year round.

 

DARIA

So...anything else new with Trent?

 

JANE

Not that I can think of....why all the questions about Trent?

 

DARIA

Uhh...no reason (blushes)

 

JANE

Are you blushing Daria?

 

DARIA

No...I'm slowly turning into a lobster...

 

JANE

I can always set you two up...you'd like that Daria...wouldn't you...

 

DARIA

Almost as much as a frontal lobotomy

 

JANE

Fine...you've won this round Morgandorffer.....you know....If I were perceptive, I'd say getting a crush on this musician guy......kinda like a surrogate Trent...

 

DARIA

But luckily for us all, you aren't perceptive...

 

JANE

Whatever...bye...

 

(Neill enters)

 

NEILL

Hey short stuff. Just came by to program the tape recorder...

 

DARIA

A special on Hugh Hefner on tonight?

 

NEILL

I wish...It's my first show tonight...and how often do you get to hear yourself on the radio?

 

DARIA

Well, for one, whenever you're the witness of a horrific crime...and a sleazy news reporter comes along asking for a sound bite...

 

NEILL

Do you ever think about sunshine and puppies?

 

DARIA

No, Sunshine and puppies were acquired by Disney in a hostile takeover

 

NEILL

(Sighs)...Don't suppose you won't reconsider going to the Pimento?

 

DARIA

Sure...I guess so...I have to see whether it's true or not...

 

NEILL

See if what's true...?

 

DARIA

Nothing....let's go.

 

(Scene IV, INT, Day, the Pimento Bar)

 

(Christie talking to Brad)

 

CHRISTIE

What kind of band has a gig in a Bar, during the day?

 

BRAD

A revolutionary one...yeah...going to take over the world with our brand of classical/speed metal/rap

 

CHRISTIE

Plan on blasting your opposition into submission with music...?

 

BRAD

Wha...? (Confused)

 

CHRISTIE

Don't worry...

 

(Neill and Daria enter)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey, Daria, you made it

 

DARIA

Yeah...it was hard to tear myself away from the revolutionary effort though...

 

NEILL

Brad? Aren't you glad that Daria came?

 

(Daria gives him a killer glare)

 

BRAD

Yeah...cool...hey Daria...

 

DARIA

Hey Trent

 

(All look confused...Daria blushes)

 

DARIA

I've uhh...got to go now...

 

(Daria runs into female toilets)

 

NEILL

Who's Trent? Christie...you better go after her...

 

(Christie follows Daria)

 

BRAD

Man, I did not follow any of that...

 

NEILL

Don't worry mate...nobody expected you to...Drink?

 

BRAD

I would but...they won't serve us

 

 

NEILL

What? That make no sense....hey (talking to barkeeper)...beer thanks mate...

 

BARMAN

I can't serve you!

 

NEILL

Is it because I'm foreign?

 

BARMAN

No...you're underage...

 

NEILL

Underage...screw that for a joke...I'm 19 for god's sake!

 

BARMAN

Umm...sir...the legal age is 21

 

NEILL

What!?

 

Scene V (INT, Day, inside Pimento bathroom)

 

(Daria washes up, and looks at herself in the mirror)

 

DARIA

Dammit Morgandorffer!...pull it together...it's just Jane messing with you again...

 

(Christie walks in)

 

CHRISTIE

Anything I can help with Daria?

 

DARIA

No, I don't think anyone can help me...it's not even a problem anyhow...

 

CHRISTIE

Well when you call a guy by the wrong name, blush, and then run into the bathroom, something's up.

 

DARIA

(sighs) Nothing's wrong, I'm afraid I may be reverting to early adolescence though.

 

CHRISTIE

Oh...that's normal then...

 

DARIA

It's just something that a friend said to me...

 

CHRISTIE

Somebody messing with your mind?

 

DARIA

Yeah....Brad's not a surrogate Trent (realising what she just said)

 

CHRISTIE

And the plot thickens...

 

DARIA

What? Nothing's thickening...

 

CHRISTIE

Is Trent a musician as well?

 

DARIA

I don't see how that's any of your business!

 

CHRISTIE

Don't get defensive with me missy!

 

DARIA

I'm sorry...It's just that...

 

CHRISTIE

Listen, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want...but at least come back out....people could be wondering about us...

 

DARIA

I'm guessing you going into a bathroom in a bar with a woman is going to make guys wonder about all sorts of things...

 

CHRISTIE

Ahh, there's the free-wheeling lass we've all come to love! So, you ready to come out?

 

DARIA

Ok...but don't tell anybody about this...I want to tell my parents about my coming out on Thanksgiving...

 

(Christie Chuckles)

 

(Christie and Daria exit)

 

Scene VI (INT, Day, The Pimento)

 

BRAD

(To Neill) Dude, do you know how to play the keyboard?

 

NEILL

I tickle the ivories once in a while...why are you asking?

 

BRAD

Our keyboard player went to the wrong bar, and if we don't go up, we don't get paid...

 

NEILL

Is you keyboard artist British by any chance?

 

BRAD

Yeah, how did you know?

 

NEILL

The British have always had an odd sense of where they are supposed to be going. First Gallipoli, and now this...

 

BRAD

Whatever dude, just come up and follow the sheet music we give you...

 

NEILL

Ok, I'll give it a crack...you know...groupies...

 

BRAD

Cool

 

(Daria and Christie enter)

 

NEILL

Hey short stuff...Christie...guess what?

 

DARIA

You're one of the gamma people?

 

NEILL

No...I'm now part of the Random Seagulls for a day!

 

CHRISTIE

Cool...

 

DARIA

And I'm part of the Inadvertent Badgers.

 

BRAD

Hey, we're up...wish us luck

 

(Neill and Brad go up onto stage, along with the rest of the band)

 

(The band play, and Daria has a flashback to seeing Mystic Spiral playing)

 

Scene VII (INT, Night, Daria and Neill's dorm room)

 

CHRISTIE

They were just god awful

 

DARIA

What do you expect? They play day gigs.

 

CHRISTIE

Good point...

 

(Neill comes in through window)

 

NEILL

Hide me...now

 

DARIA

What the hell?

 

(knock at the door)

 

(Daria opens the front door, to reveal a busty blonde in a cheerleading uniform)

 

CHEERLEADER # 1

Hi! Is bastard Neill around?

 

DARIA

Neill?

 

(Sees Neill in corner of eye, motioning 'no! I'm not here')

 

DARIA

Yeah, sure, Neill's right here... (Smirk on face)

 

(Neill gives Daria a killer stare)

 

NEILL

Oh, Hey...umm...Harmony...I was going to give you a call

 

HARMONY

Like hell you were Hayden! I saw you with Hope! How could you! She's my sister...!

 

NEILL

You see...the thing about that is...listen, I've got my radio gig in an hour, I've got to prepare...can we talk about this later?

 

HARMONY

Fine! This isn't over though...not by a long shot Buster!

 

(Leaves in a huff)

 

CHRISTIE

Sisters hey?

 

NEILL

Daria...it's on...

 

DARIA

What's on?

 

NEILL

It's on...like Donkey Kong...

 

(Neill leaves)

 

CHRISTIE

I wonder what that was all about?

 

DARIA

I don't even want to think about it...

 

CHRISTIE

Listen, if ever you want to talk about Trent or Brad, or whatever, you know where to find me...

 

DARIA

Yeah...

 

CHRISTIE

Ok then...see you later then

 

DARIA

Sure...

 

(Christie leaves)

 

(Dissolve to Daria sitting on couch, and then turning on the Radio)

 

RADIO

Hey, It's Neill Hayden here! Filling in for the Randy Goat! Later on I'll be playing some new stuff by the Random Pigeons...but now...it's Splendora...

 

(Cross dissolve to Daria sitting on the couch, reading)

 

RADIO

Thanks for listening to the Alfie Langer Tribute Show! I've been Neill Hayden. Oh, one final thing...before I forget...My friend Daria Morgandorffer (Daria looks up) has been going through some tough stuff today and she's feeling a little down...so...for the next week...wherever and whenever you may see Daria Morgandorffer, just go up to her...and give her a hug...I encourage every listener to give Daria Morgandorffer a big Hug... (Daria looking pale) Until next time, this has been Neill Hayden...Goodnight Raft!

 

Scene VIII (INT, Morning, Daria's room)

 

DARIA

(Waking up) Hopefully it was all some kind of dream...

 

(Daria gets up and walks to the kitchen to find Christie, Neill and Brad standing there)

 

(She begins to look apprehensive)

 

CHRISTIE

(Hugs Daria) It's ok...we're here for you...

 

(Daria squirming all the while)

 

NEILL

(Hugs Daria) Yeah...that's one-all Morgandorffer...

 

BRAD

(Hugs Daria) Hey, I hope this makes you feel better...(Daria blushes) Hey...did I leave my pick in the lounge? (leaves)

 

NEILL

Well, at least some good came of it...hey Daria?

 

DARIA

Kill...you...Neill

 

(Neill and Christie laugh)

 

(Daria walks into lounge)

 

(Enter a flashback from Daria! Where Trent hugs her after the rainstorm is over)

 

BRAD

Are...you ok Daria?

 

DARIA

Never better (depressed look on face)

 

 

-How will Daria deal with these old feelings? Will Neill ever develop a character flaw? What does the future hold for the Random Pigeons? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? All these questions and more, answered in the next episode-

 

(Authors Notes)

 

*Well, that's number 4 in the can! Don't worry, Neill will develop a character flaw or two...and we will find out more about Neill and Christie's past, a' la Lost*

 

**Questions? Comments? Nigerian Schemes? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com