THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 4
SURROGATE
IN E MINOR
(Daria faces her feelings
about a certain musician, while Neill wreaks a terrible vengeance)
Scene I (INT, Day,
Morgandorffer Home, Lounge)
HELEN
And where do you think you're
going young lady?
QUINN
There's a sale on at
Cashman's! 40% off all pure cotton...not blends though, because blends are just
so last month. It's like...
HELEN
Well not today. We're calling
Daria as a family
QUINN
But Mu-oom! The sale's for one
day only! And Daria can call anytime!
HELEN
We are calling Daria as a
family, and that's final! Where is your father...?
JAKE
In here honey! Just making
risotto
HELEN
Well stop it right now! We're
calling Daria!
JAKE
But the risotto will burn!
HELEN
Jake!
JAKE
Yes Ma'am....
HELEN
Now, I'll put it on speaker
phone...so we can all talk to her...and not just sneak off (glares at Quinn)
QUINN
Ok, Ok...
(Helen dials a few numbers)
(Split screen with Neill)
NEILL
G'day?
HELEN
Did I ring an embassy by
mistake.....? Oh! Hello young man...is this the room of Daria Morgandorffer?
NEILL
Bang on the money!
JAKE
Can we speak with her, young
man?
NEILL
Yep. Just a second......Daria!
Phone!.......who may I say is calling?
HELEN
It's her family
NEILL
She has family? Well, here she
is...
QUINN
That guy sounded cute!
DARIA
Hello?
JAKE
Hey Kiddo!
DARIA
Oh, Hi dad...
HELEN
Hi Honey!
DARIA
And mom...
QUINN
That guy sounded cute Daria!
DARIA
And if it isn't my favourite
cousin...
HELEN
We just wanted to call to see
how you are...you never call us you know......and who was that guy on the phone...
DARIA
Umm...I'm ok, I guess. I'm sorry
if you feel neglected....maybe you should buy a puppy...
QUINN
Can we!!??
HELEN
We discussed this last year Quinn, you don't buy living things because they're cute...
DARIA
You should buy a snake then...
JAKE
We're getting a snake???!!!
HELEN
No Jake.
QUINN
Who was that guy before?
DARIA
Him, that's just my roommate...
HELEN
You're in a room with a
guy!!?? Damn administration must have screwed up, I
thought that Raft wasn't Co-Ed.
DARIA
It isn't...
JAKE
Daria's in a room with a
guy, and it's a choice.....we have to deal with this with the upmost of
delicacy...don't ask Daria direct questions...
HELEN
We're on speaker phone Jake!...Daria...this guy hasn't tried to get you to do anything....you
know...
DARIA
Well, between all the making
out we've been doing, there hasn't been time to do much...although...
HELEN
You're joking, aren't you? (getting worried)
DARIA
(sighs)
Yes mom...Neill's not that type of guy, not with me anyhow...
QUINN
Do I hear a note of jealousy?
DARIA
No, all you can hear is the
sound of cash registers...
JAKE
I don't hear anything...
HELEN
Jake...
DARIA
As pleasant as this has been,
I have to go now....you know...my hectic schedule...
HELEN
Ok....just make
sure you call us every so often ok?
DARIA
Fine... bye... (hangs
up phone, split screen ends)
DARIA
Damn family, wanting to be all
family like with me.
NEILL
Hey, Daria, you didn't tell me
you had family...
DARIA
Well, not family in the
traditional sense, more like donors...scientists...electricity...
NEILL
Fine, be like that. I've got
to go anyhow, practice, I'll see you.....around
(Christie enters as Neill
leaves)
NEILL
Hey, I'm just going to
practice, are we still on for later?
CHRISTIE
Yeah, I'll meet you after
practice
NEILL
Aren't you worried about
Steve?
CHRISTIE
Me? Worried? About Steve?
You're a funny one aren't you...
NEILL
You know it....anyhow, see ya later.
(Neill Leaves)
CHRISTIE
OK. Hey Daria
DARIA
Hey
CHRISTIE
I just wanted to come up and
tell you that your first shift is tomorrow night, and to give you your
uniform...Don't worry, it's nothing too ostentatious.
DARIA
I hope not...I have bad memories
of my last job...I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night smelling peanuts...
CHRISTIE
Ok then.....whatever you say...now
some nice men in white coats will be around today to take you to a nice
eggshell white room
DARIA
I prefer Jim Mack grey.
CHRISTIE
Doesn't everybody...I meant to
ask, what are you doing today?
DARIA
Well, I've read all of my
course literature already, and I'm 7 weeks ahead on my coursework...so I thought
I may try to bring communism from
CHRISTIE
Because I'm going to the
Pimento to see the Random Pigeons play....a new up-and coming punk/blues/heavy
metal band...should be cool.
DARIA
The Random Pigeons? (Asking
nervously)
CHRISTIE
Got a fear of pigeons...Randomly?
DARIA
Not that I know of....Sorry....I
just don't feel up to it
CHRISTIE
Well, don't say I didn't
offer...
DARIA
Deal
CHRISTIE
Well, I'll see you around...
DARIA
Yeah, bye.
Scene II (EXT, Day,
Neill sitting on bleachers in full football uniform, surrounded by
Cheerleaders)
NEILL
So then, I wrestled the croc
into submission.
CHEERLEADER #1
Wow!
CHEERLEADER #2
Yeah! Wow! You're so manly
NEILL
You know it luv
CHEERLEADER #3
And tall as well
NEILL
Luv, I'm both tall and long...if you catch my drift...
(Cheerleaders giggle)
COACH
Neill! Get your ass out here!
This play requires a kicker! If you just stopped fraternisin'
and trying to score, you could make a great player!
NEILL
I thought the object of the
game was to score...
COACH
Just get out here...
NEILL
(under
breath) Bah...this game's just a poor man's rugby anyhow...
(Christie walks up to
bleachers)
CHRISTIE
You gals seen Neill?
CHEERLEADER #1
(Points to field) He's just
doing some kicking practice....who wants to know? (Feeling threatened by the
presence of a girl who has prior association with Neill)
CHRISTIE
Christie
CHEERLEADER #2
I don't see why he'd go for
you! He has all of us to choose from
CHRISTIE
Don't worry ladies...I'm not
closing in on your time with him...in fact I encourage it....I may get the ones he
doesn't want...
CHEERLEADER #3
I'm not sure I get your
meaning
CHRISTIE
Meet me in half an hour behind
the bleachers and things will become clearer to you... (Raises eyebrows)
(Cheerleaders becoming
embarrassed)
(Neill approaches)
CHRISTIE
Ahh, here comes Skippy now.
NEILL
Hey Christie...ready to go?
CHRISTIE
Don't you need to shower and
stuff?
NEILL
I'm a kicker, I sit around and
kick every so often....not that strenuous......
CHRISTIE
Ok, well let's go...
NEILL
Well ladies, it's been nice
meeting you all, you all have my room number right?
(Cheerleaders giggle)
CHRISTIE
Cheerleaders...nice work...
NEILL
Thanks... They're a few bricks
shot of a wall, but hey, they're cheerleaders...
CHRISTIE
I'm guessing that hooking up
with Cheerleaders is a life goal for you?
NEILL
Yep, it's half the reason I
came to this country...
CHRISTIE
Did I tell you that I offered
Daria a chance to see the Random Pigeons...
NEILL
What'd she say?
CHRISTIE
She got all evasive...
NEILL
You can tell when she's being
evasive and when she's being normal?
CHRISTIE
Well, you know, chicks bond...
NEILL
I'm forming a mental picture
right now...what type of leather do you like?
CHRISTIE
Don't make me kill you...
NEILL
I reckon I know why she didn't
want to come...
CHRISTIE
Curiouser and Curiouser...
NEILL
I'll fill you in later...
(Steve approaches)
CHRISTIE
If it isn't Captain
STEVE
Hey baby, ready to let me rock
your world?
CHRISTIE
Yes, because my 'disease' is
just a cry for a big, strong man to come along and make things alright. It's
what I've been holding out for all of these years. I just haven't found the
right guy yet...will you be that guy Steve?
STEVE
I knew it!
CHRISTIE
Ugh. Neill, I'll meet you at
the Pimento...
(Christie leaves)
NEILL
Mate, you are so in there!
STEVE
Uhh...You think?
NEILL
Yeah mate! Just keep on being
persistent...and you'll break her down...word of advice though...your not being
forthright enough...you should try to be more obvious with your pick up lines...
STEVE
You think so?
NEILL
Of course mate!
Scene III (INT, Day,
room 312, Daria talking to Jane via web cam)
JANE
So then they had to sedate Mr
Demartino...
DARIA
Why does the interesting stuff
only happen when I'm away from
JANE
I don't know...by the way, I met
your roommate the other day...nice...
DARIA
I'd knew
you'd like him...you always did like the pretty boys...
JANE
Hey!....well...that's
pretty much true...
DARIA
I rest my case...
JANE
I also met a certain
musician...Pretty cute Daria...you should ask him out.
DARIA
And you should die a horrible
death involving fungus
JANE
Come on Daria! It's the new
millennium...we can ask guys out now...
DARIA
We can also put a man on the
moon...would you like to go to the moon Jane....?
JANE
You've been watching too much
Honeymooners.
DARIA
So...how's
JANE
Oh, you know, it's his
hibernation season...
DARIA
He has a hibernation season?
JANE
It runs all year round.
DARIA
So...anything else new with
JANE
Not that I can think of....why
all the questions about
DARIA
Uhh...no reason
(blushes)
JANE
Are you blushing Daria?
DARIA
No...I'm slowly turning into a
lobster...
JANE
I can always set you two
up...you'd like that Daria...wouldn't you...
DARIA
Almost as much as a frontal
lobotomy
JANE
Fine...you've won this round
Morgandorffer.....you know....If I were perceptive, I'd say getting a crush on this
musician guy......kinda like a surrogate Trent...
DARIA
But luckily for us all, you
aren't perceptive...
JANE
Whatever...bye...
(Neill enters)
NEILL
Hey short stuff. Just came by
to program the tape recorder...
DARIA
A special on Hugh Hefner on
tonight?
NEILL
I wish...It's my first show
tonight...and how often do you get to hear yourself on the radio?
DARIA
Well, for one, whenever you're
the witness of a horrific crime...and a sleazy news reporter comes along asking
for a sound bite...
NEILL
Do you ever think about
sunshine and puppies?
DARIA
No, Sunshine and puppies were
acquired by Disney in a hostile takeover
NEILL
(Sighs)...Don't suppose you
won't reconsider going to the Pimento?
DARIA
Sure...I guess so...I have to see
whether it's true or not...
NEILL
See if what's true...?
DARIA
Nothing....let's go.
(Scene IV, INT, Day,
the Pimento Bar)
(Christie talking to Brad)
CHRISTIE
What kind of band has a gig in
a Bar, during the day?
BRAD
A revolutionary one...yeah...going
to take over the world with our brand of classical/speed metal/rap
CHRISTIE
Plan on blasting your
opposition into submission with music...?
BRAD
Wha...? (Confused)
CHRISTIE
Don't worry...
(Neill and Daria enter)
CHRISTIE
Hey, Daria, you made it
DARIA
Yeah...it was hard to tear
myself away from the revolutionary effort though...
NEILL
Brad? Aren't you glad that
Daria came?
(Daria gives him a killer
glare)
BRAD
Yeah...cool...hey Daria...
DARIA
Hey Trent
(All look confused...Daria
blushes)
DARIA
I've uhh...got
to go now...
(Daria runs into female
toilets)
NEILL
Who's
(Christie follows Daria)
BRAD
Man, I did not follow any of
that...
NEILL
Don't worry mate...nobody
expected you to...Drink?
BRAD
I would but...they won't serve
us
NEILL
What? That make no sense....hey
(talking to barkeeper)...beer thanks mate...
BARMAN
I can't serve you!
NEILL
Is it because I'm foreign?
BARMAN
No...you're underage...
NEILL
Underage...screw that for a
joke...I'm 19 for god's sake!
BARMAN
Umm...sir...the legal age is 21
NEILL
What!?
Scene V (INT, Day,
inside Pimento bathroom)
(Daria washes up, and looks at
herself in the mirror)
DARIA
Dammit Morgandorffer!...pull it together...it's just Jane messing with you again...
(Christie walks in)
CHRISTIE
Anything I can help with
Daria?
DARIA
No, I don't think anyone can
help me...it's not even a problem anyhow...
CHRISTIE
Well when you call a guy by
the wrong name, blush, and then run into the bathroom, something's up.
DARIA
(sighs)
Nothing's wrong, I'm afraid I may be reverting to early adolescence though.
CHRISTIE
Oh...that's normal then...
DARIA
It's just something that a
friend said to me...
CHRISTIE
Somebody messing with your
mind?
DARIA
Yeah....Brad's not a surrogate
Trent (realising what she just said)
CHRISTIE
And the plot thickens...
DARIA
What? Nothing's thickening...
CHRISTIE
Is
DARIA
I don't see how that's any of
your business!
CHRISTIE
Don't get defensive with me
missy!
DARIA
I'm sorry...It's just that...
CHRISTIE
Listen, you don't have to talk
about it if you don't want...but at least come back out....people could be
wondering about us...
DARIA
I'm guessing you going into a
bathroom in a bar with a woman is going to make guys
wonder about all sorts of things...
CHRISTIE
Ahh, there's the
free-wheeling lass we've all come to love! So, you ready to come out?
DARIA
Ok...but don't tell anybody
about this...I want to tell my parents about my coming out on Thanksgiving...
(Christie Chuckles)
(Christie and Daria exit)
Scene VI (INT, Day, The Pimento)
BRAD
(To Neill) Dude, do you know
how to play the keyboard?
NEILL
I tickle the ivories once in a
while...why are you asking?
BRAD
Our keyboard player went to
the wrong bar, and if we don't go up, we don't get paid...
NEILL
Is you keyboard artist British
by any chance?
BRAD
Yeah, how did you know?
NEILL
The British have always had an
odd sense of where they are supposed to be going. First Gallipoli, and now
this...
BRAD
Whatever dude, just come up
and follow the sheet music we give you...
NEILL
Ok, I'll give it a crack...you
know...groupies...
BRAD
Cool
(Daria and Christie enter)
NEILL
Hey short stuff...Christie...guess
what?
DARIA
You're one of the gamma
people?
NEILL
No...I'm now part of the Random
Seagulls for a day!
CHRISTIE
Cool...
DARIA
And I'm part of the
Inadvertent Badgers.
BRAD
Hey, we're up...wish us luck
(Neill and Brad go up onto
stage, along with the rest of the band)
(The band play, and Daria has
a flashback to seeing Mystic Spiral playing)
Scene VII (INT, Night,
Daria and Neill's dorm room)
CHRISTIE
They were just god awful
DARIA
What do you expect? They play
day gigs.
CHRISTIE
Good point...
(Neill comes in through
window)
NEILL
Hide me...now
DARIA
What the hell?
(knock
at the door)
(Daria opens the front door,
to reveal a busty blonde in a cheerleading uniform)
CHEERLEADER # 1
Hi! Is bastard Neill around?
DARIA
Neill?
(Sees Neill in corner of eye,
motioning 'no! I'm not here')
DARIA
Yeah, sure, Neill's right here...
(Smirk on face)
(Neill gives Daria a killer
stare)
NEILL
Oh, Hey...umm...Harmony...I was
going to give you a call
HARMONY
Like hell you were Hayden! I
saw you with Hope! How could you! She's my sister...!
NEILL
You see...the thing about that
is...listen, I've got my radio gig in an hour, I've got
to prepare...can we talk about this later?
HARMONY
Fine! This isn't over
though...not by a long shot Buster!
(Leaves in a huff)
CHRISTIE
Sisters hey?
NEILL
Daria...it's on...
DARIA
What's on?
NEILL
It's on...like Donkey Kong...
(Neill leaves)
CHRISTIE
I wonder what that was all about?
DARIA
I don't even want to think
about it...
CHRISTIE
Listen, if ever you want
to talk about Trent or Brad, or whatever, you know where to find me...
DARIA
Yeah...
CHRISTIE
Ok then...see you later then
DARIA
Sure...
(Christie leaves)
(Dissolve to Daria sitting on
couch, and then turning on the Radio)
RADIO
Hey, It's
Neill Hayden here! Filling in for the Randy Goat! Later on I'll be playing some
new stuff by the Random Pigeons...but now...it's Splendora...
(Cross dissolve to Daria
sitting on the couch, reading)
RADIO
Thanks for listening to the
Alfie Langer Tribute Show! I've been Neill Hayden. Oh, one final thing...before I
forget...My friend Daria Morgandorffer (Daria looks up) has been going through
some tough stuff today and she's feeling a little down...so...for the next week...wherever
and whenever you may see Daria Morgandorffer, just go up to her...and give her a
hug...I encourage every listener to give Daria Morgandorffer a big Hug... (Daria
looking pale) Until next time, this has been Neill Hayden...Goodnight Raft!
Scene VIII (INT,
Morning, Daria's room)
DARIA
(Waking up) Hopefully it was
all some kind of dream...
(Daria gets up and walks to
the kitchen to find Christie, Neill and Brad standing there)
(She begins to look
apprehensive)
CHRISTIE
(Hugs Daria) It's ok...we're
here for you...
(Daria squirming all the
while)
NEILL
(Hugs Daria) Yeah...that's
one-all Morgandorffer...
BRAD
(Hugs Daria) Hey, I hope this
makes you feel better...(Daria blushes) Hey...did I leave
my pick in the lounge? (leaves)
NEILL
Well, at least some good came of
it...hey Daria?
DARIA
Kill...you...Neill
(Neill and Christie laugh)
(Daria walks into lounge)
(Enter a flashback from Daria!
Where
BRAD
Are...you ok Daria?
DARIA
Never better (depressed look
on face)
-How will Daria deal with
these old feelings? Will Neill ever develop a character flaw? What does the
future hold for the Random Pigeons? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a
woodchuck could chuck wood? All these questions and more, answered in the next
episode-
(Authors Notes)
*Well, that's number 4 in the
can! Don't worry, Neill will develop a character flaw or two...and we will find
out more about Neill and Christie's past, a' la Lost*
**Questions? Comments?
Nigerian Schemes? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com