THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE 3
FACING
REALITY
(Daria tries to find work, as
Jane becomes an internet phenomenon)
Scene I (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's dorm)
(We see Daria sitting at her
computer, on the web cam with Jane)
DARIA
So then Brad says that he may
have left his pick in my room.
JANE
That really sounds sinister, I
wouldn't trust him If I were you, could be with the government...
DARIA
You don't get it, I mean, what
was he doing in my room in the first place?
JANE
Smelling the bed sheets?
DARIA
One day, men in white coats
will come for you. They will then proceed to give you electro-shock therapy for
the rest of your life.
JANE
And of course you'll be the
head torturer...
DARIA
You know me too well.
(
JANE
DARIA
Uhh...Hi...
JANE
He can't hear you, we're on a
headset. I'll give him the message. So what's new apart from having a crush on
a possible mass murderer?
(Daria gives Jane a killer
stare)
JANE
Okay...by the looks of things,
you'd make a good couple.
DARIA
Can you say 'Enough
electricity!'?
JANE
Ok, Ok.
DARIA
I have to find a job....I mean,
the fact that I have most of the source books for English Lit helps, but that
doesn't put food on the table, I mean, Neill has been paying for most of the
stuff so far, I just feel guilty freeloading you know?
JANE
Like you did for 17 years?
DARIA
That's different. I had to put
up with my family. But Neill, he's a good roommate. He respects my privacy,
hardly ever here. I feel guilty exploiting him.
JANE
Hey, maybe there's a nutty,
nutty, nut world in
DARIA
Buzz!
(Jane feigns being frightened
by the noise)
DARIA
There's my problem though.
There are plenty of jobs around, but I have standards...
JANE
Remember freshman year of High
School, we didn't have standards back then...good times...
DARIA
Damn standards
JANE
Hey, you know, I haven't seen
this mythical roommate of yours yet...
DARIA
Like I said, here's never here.
Being the campus Don Juan takes you to all corners I guess. Besides, are you
curious to meet him, or just to spy on him?
JANE
Hmmm....tantalizing prospect.
DARIA
Ugh...I'm going to go, before I
puke
JANE
Okay, talk to you later Amiga
(Daria turns the screen off,
as does Jane)
DARIA
(To herself) Let's see,
semesters reading done. This weeks essay done. Hmmm......I could always start that
great American novel I've been meaning to start. Coffee it is...
(Neill Enters)
NEILL
G'Day
DARIA
Bye
(Daria Leaves)
NEILL
What in blazes did I do?.....
Scene II (INT, Dusk,
Coffee Shop)
(Daria enters, sees Christie
behind the counter)
(Christie, seeing Daria)
CHRISTIE
Hey, be with you in a minute.
(To Customer) Here's you non-fat, skim, soy latte' sir! And have a nice day! (Customer
walks away)....Yuppie. Hey Daria, what's up?
DARIA
Need Coffee
CHRISTIE
Dark I presume?
DARIA
You know me well.
CHRISTIE
I'm on break now; did you want
a patio table?
DARIA
Umm, sure...
(Christie and Daria go
outside, and sit down)
CHRISTIE
So, what's happening?
DARIA
I just realised that I've been
exploiting Neill unfairly. So I've decided I may have to abandon my dream of
being a layabout college student, and find some work.
CHRISTIE
I hear the medical students
are always looking for new subjects, I bet it pays well too.
DARIA
Yes, but what price would you
put on your cerebral cortex?
CHRISTIE
Depends what the going rate
was for one on the black market...
DARIA
Well, that will always be the
dream, but I need something so I can start to pay Neill back.
CHRISTIE
If there's one thing that I've
learnt from college thus far, its that you should try to get away with what you
can, for as long as you can.
DARIA
My brain says that, but the
voices won't stop.
CHRISTIE
Damn conscience, always getting
in the way...
DARIA
Yeah, first the voices telling
me to burn things, and then I find out I have a conscience.
CHRISTIE
Well you sound like an ideal
candidate to work here. But you have to work with people...and be pleasant with
them...damn rules...
DARIA
Well thanks for the kind
word...but people disturb me...they come up to me...and say things...the voices tell me
to burn them...
CHRISTIE
Well you can't be worse than
Rodney the Wonder Kid.
(Daria gives Christie and
enquiring look)
CHRISTIE
Gave some guy a $100 in
change.....the customer paid with a 10.
DARIA
Well, I think I'll have to try
my luck on the job market...try to find that cushy job that requires absolutely
no effort.
CHRISTIE
Well, my breaks over, good
luck with the job hunting!
DARIA
I have the feeling I'll need
it.
(Christie goes back inside)
Scene III (INT, Dusk,
Back in Daria and Neill's Dorm)
NEILL
What a day! I'm bloody well
legless!
(Gets a beer and tries to turn
on TV, suffice to say it doesn't work)
NEILL
Damn, Flamin' Mongrel! TV!
Bah!
(Neill walks over to computer)
NEILL
Might as well write an email
to the boys...
(Turns on screen and sees
image of
NEILL
What the...
(Jane comes into room and
starts painting)
NEILL
Well, this just got
interesting...
(Sits down and watches screen
while drinking beer)
Scene IV (INT, Dusk,
Jane's room)
(We see that her screen is
off, but the web cam still has a light on, her headset is plugged, but she
can't hear anything)
(Jane stops painting
momentarily and turns on TV)
TV
Perverted Internet Television
Reality shows? www.freakshow.com! Next, on Sick Sad World!
JANE
Looks like another Emmy
winning show.
(
Hey Janey
JANE
Hey Trent
Do we have any cola left?
JANE
Don't know, check the tank, I
think I bought some more at the store with Jesse...
You went to the store with
Jesse?
JANE
Yeah, what's to you?
Nothing....
JANE
Are you sure...you sound
confused....even more so than usual...
It's just that...
JANE
What
I haven't seen Jesse for 3
days
JANE
You guys disappear for days at
a time, all the time...remember when you guys couldn't find Max for a week....turns
out he was asleep in his basement.
I guess you're right...but what
if someone didn't wake him up just right...
JANE
You're right...he could be
chasing squirrels in the park....
Hmmmm
JANE
He's NOT chasing squirrels!
I guess you're right...
(
Scene V (INT, Dusk,
Neill's dorm)
(We see that Neill is still
intently watching the screen, Brad enters)
BRAD
Hey man...I need to borrow some
sugar dude... (Noticing Neill watching screen) What's going down?
NEILL
I don't know...I think I've
stumbled on some sort of reality TV show...the sound's pretty bad though....what
I've been able to make out is that the girls name is Jane....or Jamie.....most
likely Jane...and there was a guy in the room about 5 minutes ago...I think his
name is Brent...they were talking about squirrels. It's strangely
fascinating....Oh, hang on! She's going back to her easel...
BRAD
Can I watch?
NEILL
Can't hurt...the show gets
better with each beer you have....(hands Brad a beer) Cheers.
BRAD
Yeah
Scene VI (EXT/INT,
DUSK, Courtyard/Career Advisors Office)
(We find Daria walking through
the courtyard, deep in thought)
DARIA
V.O- Maybe a job that involves
genetic manipulation of some sort...
(Daria sees building with
Career advisor on it)
DARIA
(Shrugs) Can't hurt......at least
not physically....I hope...
(Daria enters building)
(Daria approaches counter)
DARIA
Uhh, hi...is there a list of
jobs available on campus...
RECEPTIONIST
Not as such...no, but I can make
you an appointment with our Career Advisor, she'd probably know about any jobs
around...in fact...she's free now if you wanted a consult
DARIA
Umm....
RECEPTIONIST
It's free for all college
students
DARIA
Ok, I guess then...
RECPETIONIST
Great! (Buzzes Daria in)
Martha. I'm just sending somebody in with an enquiry about work on campus...Ok,
in you go!
DARIA
Thanks...
(Daria enters office)
MARTHA
Hello! How do you do?
DARIA
I'm...
MARTHA
Looking for a bit of spending
money are we?
DARIA
I guess you could say that....
MARTHA
Ok, just let me pull up your
academic file Miss.....
DARIA
Morgandorffer, Daria
Morgandorffer, freshman...
MARTHA
Ok Miss Morgandorffer......Well,
it looks like you're a star English Literature student!
DARIA
I do like to toss around a
proverb or two...
MARTHA
Hmm....let me see.....we don't
have much at the moment...you should've some earlier...most of the on campus work
is taken...I do have one thing from off-campus...
DARIA
Damn lethargy.....I
should....no......I can't be bothered
MARTHA
How do you feel about
Babysitting?
DARIA
I've seen this one...
MARTHA
Excuse me?
DARIA
Yes, I saw this on I Love
Lucy. The family has three chimpanzee children...don't they?
MARTHA
On second hand....perhaps
babysitting isn't your thing...There is always plenty of work around the
DARIA
But of course, you have no
idea what some of that work is...
MARTHA
Sorry, you really should have
come to us earlier
DARIA
Well, thanks for your time...
(Daria exits)
Scene VII (INT, Dusk,
Neill's Dorm room)
(There is now about 5 people
huddled around the computer, transfixed by what they are seeing)
NEILL
I wonder what she is
creating....and why...
BRAD
Maybe it's some sort of
elimination challenge...
NEILL
Maybe Bazza....Maybe....so Bazza...mate....what's going
on with you and Daria?
BRAD
What? I was going to ask you
the same question...
NEILL
What do you mean?
BRAD
Well, you are one of the only
dorm rooms to have a co-ed system going, and usually when there's a co-ed
situation...you know.....the two people are like...you know...
NEILL
You're saying me and Daria?
BRAD
Well?
NEILL
Believe me, she's nice girl,
don't get me wrong, but we're definitely not rooting. She's not exactly my type
of girl....she's the type of girl who'd want to take things slowly.....and that definitely
isn't my style.
BRAD
You sure?
NEILL
Glasses aren't
either....although I did glimpse her without her glasses on one mourning, looked
cute (winks at Brad)
BRAD
Dude, why are you winking at
me?
NEILL
Wow, you musicians really are
oblivious aren't you?
BRAD
Wha.....?
NEILL
Shhh! Brent's back again!
Scene VII (INT, Night,
I'm really getting worried
about Jesse...
JANE
I didn't know you boys cared
so much about each other...
Yeah, it's the band code...love
thy guitarist...or something like that...
JANE
And the fact that you have an
audition tomorrow doesn't come into it al all?
Jane, were a band....it's not
about the money.....eyes on the prize...eyes on the prize....
JANE
You should go and look for
him.....now
Right
(
JANE
(Steps back from easel) I hope
I can sell a few of these before I go to BFAC...
(Jesse enters)
JESSE
Whoa...that's the last time I
fall asleep in your basement...you seen
JANE
Umm.....
(Sound of Tank departing)
JESSE
Hey! That had our soda in it!
(Jesse departs)
JANE
It's like trying to train
elephants to play 'come as you are'
Scene IX (INT, Night,
Coffee Shop)
(Daria tries to enter but
finds the doors are locked, but can see Christie cleaning up inside)
DARIA
I'll come back tomorrow
(Doors open)
CHRISTIE
Hey, Daria!
DARIA
Hey
CHRISTIE
Come on in! Just make sure you
look like your working, in case my supervisor decides to show up. Honestly, I
run this place for him, but I get paid a quarter of the wage...
(Daria enters)
CHRISTIE
Here, clean this machine
(Daria starts cleaning the
barista machine)
CHRISTIE
So how goes the job search
Morgandorffer?
DARIA
Bad. All I could find was a
babysitting job that involved three monkeys...
CHRISTIE
Hey! I've seen that one!
DARIA
So I have to go into town and
see if there's something available.....damn lethargy...
(Moving onto another machine)
CHRISTIE
Good Luck! All the jobs in
town go to the Harvard kids.
DARIA
Don't they have daddy's credit
line to fall back on?
CHRISTIE
You'd be surprised how many
rich kids want to live an authentic bohemian lifestyle....with poverty included.
DARIA
Damn...I just wish I could get
rid of this guilt...
CHRISTIE
Listen, Neill's a nice guy.
Just tell him how you feel and that you're trying your best, and I'm sure he'll
understand...he hasn't pulled you up on it yet right?
DARIA
I suppose so...but that won't
get rid of the guilt...
CHRISTIE
You know what gets rid of
guilt...chocolate...and lots of it...
DARIA
But I have my girlish figure
to consider...
CHRISTIE
Because all the guys are
lining up around the block right now to look at your girlish figure...
(Daria gives Christie a killer
stare)
CHRISTIE
I'm sorry...that was uncalled
for...it's been a long day...
DARIA
At the coal mines?
CHRISTIE
You could say that......(smiles)
DARIA
What the hell was that?
CHRISTIE
It was a smile....(confused)
DARIA
Sorry...I'm just not used to
people using emotions...apart from anger....lots of anger...
CHRISTIE
Sounds like you've had a long
life...Listen, come over to my dorm in about half an hour...we'll rent some
Fellini, get some Chinese...on me....
DARIA
You're not coming onto me are
you?
CHRISTIE
Believe me, If I was going to
come onto you, I would've done it already...and you'd be putty in my hands...
DARIA
Because you're such a catch...I
mean....Satyricon and Chinese...you really know the way to a girls heart...
CHRISTIE
You know it.....hey...you just
made a joke about me coming onto you! Does this mean you're finally accepting
my sexuality...?
DARIA
I guess so. I mean, you can't
help who you are...you're just that way...you shouldn't have to make apologies to
people just for expressing yourself. I bet you've had to put up with people
trying to analyse you for most of your life, I bet you've had people trying to
'cure' you...trying to 'fix' you....
CHRISTIE
We're not talking about me
anymore are we?
DARIA
Not as such, no.
CHRISTIE
Well, we'll get some chocolate
on the way......(to staff) I'm going to leave now. If any of you screw up...I'm
blaming Rodney!
Scene X (INT, Night,
Christies Dorm)
(The door opens, and we find a
pretty dingy dorm, with one bed, one bathroom, half a kitchen, and a quarter of
a lounge)
CHRISTIE
Let me give you the full tour.
In this room we have the Kitchen, Bedroom, Bathroom and entertainment area.
That's about it.
DARIA
Wow, that night you really
were curious to see how good we had it....dammit...this just makes me guiltier!
CHRISTIE
Yeah, well you get what you
pay for...Don't worry about it Daria...seriously....it's all going to work out...Like I
said, Neill's a good guy, he'll see your point of view.
DARIA
What is it with you two
anyhow?
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
DARIA
You two seem to hang around a lot.
I don't get it...Neill wouldn't hang around a girl for that long unless he wanted
to you know....
CHRISTIE
Dance the
DARIA
Exactly
CHRISTIE
Listen, I like women...that's
not going to change. I don't think it ever will. And I don't think Neill is
that stupid. But Neill is the closest thing to a guy friend I've had
in...well...ever. He just gets me you know?
DARIA
I guess so...
CHRISTIE
I mean, I've never found
anybody so accepting before...it's a nice experience...and he's a really nice guy
as well...and he's not an ego monster...he knows that he's only getting action
because of his accent...you know
DARIA
I guess I know what you mean
CHRISTIE
Listen to us, the Neill Hayden
appreciation Society....I'm sure he has some deep, dark secret....
DARIA
Hmmm...maybe it wasn't the Dingo
that took that baby
CHRISTIE
(Laughing) Yeah! Maybe he's an
alien!
DARIA
That would explain why he can
drink so much and appear sober...
(Christie Chuckles)
DARIA
Dammit! All this talk about
Neill has me getting even guiltier!
CHRISTIE
You keep on saying that! And I
keep on saying that everything's going to work out!
DARIA
Stuff never works out for me...
CHRISTIE
Well, what if I said you got
the job.
DARIA
What?
CHRISTIE
You know how I said I ran the
place.....for all intents and purposes that's true....and you passed your trial
with flying colours....Daria Morgandorffer...Welcome to the Raft Coffee House Team!
DARIA
You mean...that cleaning....was a
test?
CHRISTIE
Yeah......You can pick up all the
other stuff later...I'm sure you can...I just needed to see wether or not you were
allergic to certain cleaning agents.....
DARIA
Well...thanks...
CHRISTIE
That's Ok...you're a good kid.
DARIA
Kid?
CHRISTIE
Until you lose your
virginity...you'll be called 'kid'
DARIA
Neill told you about that?!
(Getting angry)
CHRISTIE
No, Neill and I are very
similar people...we can just tell....you know...
DARIA
Oh...
CHRISTIE
Put in the tape would you?
(Daria puts in the tape)
Scene XI (INT, Night,
Neill's Dorm)
(There is now a crowd of 30
people around the computer, watching intently)
BRAD
Dude, you should really start
charging admission.
NEILL
Nah, I get enough from my
Radio job
BRAD
You work on Radio?
NEILL
Yeah. Got offered the job
today...turns out this accent is good for something apart form picking up....
YELL FROM BACK
Down in front!
NEILL
Sorry...
Scene XII (INT, Night,
(We see Jane creating a
sculpture)
JANE
Another visionary
masterpiece....
(Trent and Jesse enter)
JANE
Ahh...I see the two blind mice
bumped into each other...
JESSE
Yeah
Yeah...hey...what's the sculpture
about?
JANE
I call it 'Anarchic Death
Spiral'
Nice use of cow bones
JESSE
Yeah
JANE
Yeah, but now I need to order
some more...the butcher doesn't have enough bones for me. My appetite for bones
is insatiable...so now I have to order them online...
My appetite for bones is
insatiable...
JESSE
My lust for death inescapable...
Cool
(Trent and Jesse exit)
( Jane puts the final touches
on the sculpture)
JANE
Damn....I really could use some
more cow bones
(Walks over to computer and
turns on screen. It's an understatement to say that seeing 30 faces peering
back at her is a shock, she puts on her headset)
(Neill tips his drink to her)
VOICE FROM BACK
Dance!...
(A chant of Dance! Dance!
Dance! Goes up)
JANE
I always wondered when I'd
become an internet phenomenon...
END
-
What secret lurks in Neill's past? What makes him so
damn pleasant? What does Daria see in Brad? What is the meaning of life? These
questions answered in the next episode!-
(Authors Notes)
*Well, that's number 3 done!
Side note, this episode was done in 2 hours 34 minutes and 13 seconds.*
*Questions? Comments? Nude
Conspiracies? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com*