THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE: A Ranting Klown series

 

 

EPISODE 3

FACING REALITY

(Daria tries to find work, as Jane becomes an internet phenomenon)

 

Scene I (INT, Day, Neill and Daria's dorm)

 

 

(We see Daria sitting at her computer, on the web cam with Jane)

 

DARIA

So then Brad says that he may have left his pick in my room.

 

JANE

That really sounds sinister, I wouldn't trust him If I were you, could be with the government...

 

DARIA

You don't get it, I mean, what was he doing in my room in the first place?

 

JANE

Smelling the bed sheets?

 

DARIA

One day, men in white coats will come for you. They will then proceed to give you electro-shock therapy for the rest of your life.

 

JANE

And of course you'll be the head torturer...

 

DARIA

You know me too well.

 

(Trent enters on Janes screen, looks quizzically at the screen and mumbles something)

 

JANE

Trent says Hi

 

DARIA

Uhh...Hi...Trent

 

JANE

He can't hear you, we're on a headset. I'll give him the message. So what's new apart from having a crush on a possible mass murderer?

 

(Daria gives Jane a killer stare)

 

JANE

Okay...by the looks of things, you'd make a good couple.

 

DARIA

Can you say 'Enough electricity!'?

 

JANE

Ok, Ok.

 

DARIA

I have to find a job....I mean, the fact that I have most of the source books for English Lit helps, but that doesn't put food on the table, I mean, Neill has been paying for most of the stuff so far, I just feel guilty freeloading you know?

 

JANE

Like you did for 17 years?

 

DARIA

That's different. I had to put up with my family. But Neill, he's a good roommate. He respects my privacy, hardly ever here. I feel guilty exploiting him.

 

JANE

Hey, maybe there's a nutty, nutty, nut world in Boston!

 

DARIA

Buzz!

 

(Jane feigns being frightened by the noise)

 

DARIA

There's my problem though. There are plenty of jobs around, but I have standards...

 

JANE

Remember freshman year of High School, we didn't have standards back then...good times...

 

DARIA

Damn standards

 

JANE

Hey, you know, I haven't seen this mythical roommate of yours yet...

 

DARIA

Like I said, here's never here. Being the campus Don Juan takes you to all corners I guess. Besides, are you curious to meet him, or just to spy on him?

 

JANE

Hmmm....tantalizing prospect.

 

DARIA

Ugh...I'm going to go, before I puke

 

JANE

Okay, talk to you later Amiga

 

(Daria turns the screen off, as does Jane)

 

DARIA

(To herself) Let's see, semesters reading done. This weeks essay done. Hmmm......I could always start that great American novel I've been meaning to start. Coffee it is...

 

(Neill Enters)

 

NEILL

G'Day

 

DARIA

Bye

 

(Daria Leaves)

 

NEILL

What in blazes did I do?.....

 

Scene II (INT, Dusk, Coffee Shop)

(Daria enters, sees Christie behind the counter)

 

(Christie, seeing Daria)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey, be with you in a minute. (To Customer) Here's you non-fat, skim, soy latte' sir! And have a nice day! (Customer walks away)....Yuppie. Hey Daria, what's up?

 

DARIA

Need Coffee

 

CHRISTIE

Dark I presume?

 

DARIA

You know me well.

 

CHRISTIE

I'm on break now; did you want a patio table?

 

DARIA

Umm, sure...

 

(Christie and Daria go outside, and sit down)

 

CHRISTIE

So, what's happening?

 

DARIA

I just realised that I've been exploiting Neill unfairly. So I've decided I may have to abandon my dream of being a layabout college student, and find some work.

 

CHRISTIE

I hear the medical students are always looking for new subjects, I bet it pays well too.

 

DARIA

Yes, but what price would you put on your cerebral cortex?

 

CHRISTIE

Depends what the going rate was for one on the black market...

 

DARIA

Well, that will always be the dream, but I need something so I can start to pay Neill back.

 

CHRISTIE

If there's one thing that I've learnt from college thus far, its that you should try to get away with what you can, for as long as you can.

 

DARIA

My brain says that, but the voices won't stop.

 

CHRISTIE

Damn conscience, always getting in the way...

 

DARIA

Yeah, first the voices telling me to burn things, and then I find out I have a conscience.

 

CHRISTIE

Well you sound like an ideal candidate to work here. But you have to work with people...and be pleasant with them...damn rules...

 

DARIA

Well thanks for the kind word...but people disturb me...they come up to me...and say things...the voices tell me to burn them...

 

CHRISTIE

Well you can't be worse than Rodney the Wonder Kid.

 

(Daria gives Christie and enquiring look)

 

CHRISTIE

Gave some guy a $100 in change.....the customer paid with a 10.

 

DARIA

Well, I think I'll have to try my luck on the job market...try to find that cushy job that requires absolutely no effort.

 

CHRISTIE

Well, my breaks over, good luck with the job hunting!

 

DARIA

I have the feeling I'll need it.

 

(Christie goes back inside)

 

Scene III (INT, Dusk, Back in Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

NEILL

What a day! I'm bloody well legless!

 

(Gets a beer and tries to turn on TV, suffice to say it doesn't work)

 

NEILL

Damn, Flamin' Mongrel! TV! Bah!

 

(Neill walks over to computer)

 

NEILL

Might as well write an email to the boys...

 

(Turns on screen and sees image of Janes Room)

 

NEILL

What the...

 

(Jane comes into room and starts painting)

 

NEILL

Well, this just got interesting...

 

(Sits down and watches screen while drinking beer)

 

Scene IV (INT, Dusk, Jane's room)

 

(We see that her screen is off, but the web cam still has a light on, her headset is plugged, but she can't hear anything)

 

(Jane stops painting momentarily and turns on TV)

 

TV

Perverted Internet Television Reality shows? www.freakshow.com! Next, on Sick Sad World!

 

JANE

Looks like another Emmy winning show.

 

(Trent enters)

 

TRENT

Hey Janey

 

JANE

Hey Trent

 

TRENT

Do we have any cola left?

 

JANE

Don't know, check the tank, I think I bought some more at the store with Jesse...

 

TRENT

You went to the store with Jesse?

 

JANE

Yeah, what's to you?

 

TRENT

Nothing....

 

JANE

Are you sure...you sound confused....even more so than usual...

 

TRENT

It's just that...

 

JANE

What Trent?

 

TRENT

I haven't seen Jesse for 3 days

 

JANE

You guys disappear for days at a time, all the time...remember when you guys couldn't find Max for a week....turns out he was asleep in his basement.

 

TRENT

I guess you're right...but what if someone didn't wake him up just right...

 

JANE

You're right...he could be chasing squirrels in the park....

 

TRENT

Hmmmm

 

JANE

He's NOT chasing squirrels!

 

TRENT

I guess you're right...

 

(Trent leaves)

 

Scene V (INT, Dusk, Neill's dorm)

 

(We see that Neill is still intently watching the screen, Brad enters)

 

BRAD

Hey man...I need to borrow some sugar dude... (Noticing Neill watching screen) What's going down?

 

NEILL

I don't know...I think I've stumbled on some sort of reality TV show...the sound's pretty bad though....what I've been able to make out is that the girls name is Jane....or Jamie.....most likely Jane...and there was a guy in the room about 5 minutes ago...I think his name is Brent...they were talking about squirrels. It's strangely fascinating....Oh, hang on! She's going back to her easel...

 

BRAD

Can I watch?

 

NEILL

Can't hurt...the show gets better with each beer you have....(hands Brad a beer) Cheers.

 

BRAD

Yeah

 

Scene VI (EXT/INT, DUSK, Courtyard/Career Advisors Office)

 

(We find Daria walking through the courtyard, deep in thought)

 

DARIA

V.O- Maybe a job that involves genetic manipulation of some sort...

 

(Daria sees building with Career advisor on it)

 

DARIA

(Shrugs) Can't hurt......at least not physically....I hope...

 

(Daria enters building)

 

(Daria approaches counter)

 

DARIA

Uhh, hi...is there a list of jobs available on campus...

 

RECEPTIONIST

Not as such...no, but I can make you an appointment with our Career Advisor, she'd probably know about any jobs around...in fact...she's free now if you wanted a consult

 

DARIA

Umm....

 

RECEPTIONIST

It's free for all college students

 

DARIA

Ok, I guess then...

 

RECPETIONIST

Great! (Buzzes Daria in) Martha. I'm just sending somebody in with an enquiry about work on campus...Ok, in you go!

 

DARIA

Thanks...

 

(Daria enters office)

 

MARTHA

Hello! How do you do?

 

DARIA

I'm...

 

MARTHA

Looking for a bit of spending money are we?

 

DARIA

I guess you could say that....

 

MARTHA

Ok, just let me pull up your academic file Miss.....

 

DARIA

Morgandorffer, Daria Morgandorffer, freshman...

 

MARTHA

Ok Miss Morgandorffer......Well, it looks like you're a star English Literature student!

 

DARIA

I do like to toss around a proverb or two...

 

MARTHA

Hmm....let me see.....we don't have much at the moment...you should've some earlier...most of the on campus work is taken...I do have one thing from off-campus...

 

DARIA

Damn lethargy.....I should....no......I can't be bothered

 

MARTHA

How do you feel about Babysitting?

 

DARIA

I've seen this one...

 

MARTHA

Excuse me?

 

DARIA

Yes, I saw this on I Love Lucy. The family has three chimpanzee children...don't they?

 

MARTHA

On second hand....perhaps babysitting isn't your thing...There is always plenty of work around the Boston area that needs to be done

 

DARIA

But of course, you have no idea what some of that work is...

 

MARTHA

Sorry, you really should have come to us earlier

 

DARIA

Well, thanks for your time...

 

(Daria exits)

 

Scene VII (INT, Dusk, Neill's Dorm room)

 

(There is now about 5 people huddled around the computer, transfixed by what they are seeing)

 

NEILL

I wonder what she is creating....and why...

 

BRAD

Maybe it's some sort of elimination challenge...

 

NEILL

 Maybe Bazza....Maybe....so Bazza...mate....what's going on with you and Daria?

 

BRAD

What? I was going to ask you the same question...

 

NEILL

What do you mean?

 

BRAD

Well, you are one of the only dorm rooms to have a co-ed system going, and usually when there's a co-ed situation...you know.....the two people are like...you know...

 

NEILL

You're saying me and Daria?

 

BRAD

Well?

 

NEILL

Believe me, she's nice girl, don't get me wrong, but we're definitely not rooting. She's not exactly my type of girl....she's the type of girl who'd want to take things slowly.....and that definitely isn't my style.

 

BRAD

You sure?

 

NEILL

Glasses aren't either....although I did glimpse her without her glasses on one mourning, looked cute (winks at Brad)

 

BRAD

Dude, why are you winking at me?

 

NEILL

Wow, you musicians really are oblivious aren't you?

 

BRAD

Wha.....?

 

NEILL

Shhh! Brent's back again!

 

Scene VII (INT, Night, Janes Room)

 

TRENT

I'm really getting worried about Jesse...

 

JANE

I didn't know you boys cared so much about each other...

 

TRENT

Yeah, it's the band code...love thy guitarist...or something like that...

 

JANE

And the fact that you have an audition tomorrow doesn't come into it al all?

 

TRENT

Jane, were a band....it's not about the money.....eyes on the prize...eyes on the prize....

 

JANE

You should go and look for him.....now

 

TRENT

Right

 

(Trent exits)

 

JANE

(Steps back from easel) I hope I can sell a few of these before I go to BFAC...

 

(Jesse enters)

 

JESSE

Whoa...that's the last time I fall asleep in your basement...you seen Trent...

 

JANE

Umm.....

 

(Sound of Tank departing)

 

JESSE

Hey! That had our soda in it!

 

(Jesse departs)

 

JANE

It's like trying to train elephants to play 'come as you are'

 

Scene IX (INT, Night, Coffee Shop)

 

(Daria tries to enter but finds the doors are locked, but can see Christie cleaning up inside)

 

DARIA

I'll come back tomorrow

 

(Doors open)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey, Daria!

 

DARIA

Hey

 

CHRISTIE

Come on in! Just make sure you look like your working, in case my supervisor decides to show up. Honestly, I run this place for him, but I get paid a quarter of the wage...

 

(Daria enters)

 

CHRISTIE

Here, clean this machine

 

(Daria starts cleaning the barista machine)

 

CHRISTIE

So how goes the job search Morgandorffer?

 

DARIA

Bad. All I could find was a babysitting job that involved three monkeys...

 

CHRISTIE

Hey! I've seen that one!

 

DARIA

So I have to go into town and see if there's something available.....damn lethargy...

 

(Moving onto another machine)

 

CHRISTIE

Good Luck! All the jobs in town go to the Harvard kids.

 

DARIA

Don't they have daddy's credit line to fall back on?

 

CHRISTIE

You'd be surprised how many rich kids want to live an authentic bohemian lifestyle....with poverty included.

 

DARIA

Damn...I just wish I could get rid of this guilt...

 

CHRISTIE

Listen, Neill's a nice guy. Just tell him how you feel and that you're trying your best, and I'm sure he'll understand...he hasn't pulled you up on it yet right?

 

DARIA

I suppose so...but that won't get rid of the guilt...

 

CHRISTIE

You know what gets rid of guilt...chocolate...and lots of it...

 

DARIA

But I have my girlish figure to consider...

 

CHRISTIE

Because all the guys are lining up around the block right now to look at your girlish figure...

 

(Daria gives Christie a killer stare)

 

CHRISTIE

I'm sorry...that was uncalled for...it's been a long day...

 

DARIA

At the coal mines?

 

CHRISTIE

You could say that......(smiles)

 

DARIA

What the hell was that?

 

CHRISTIE

It was a smile....(confused)

 

DARIA

Sorry...I'm just not used to people using emotions...apart from anger....lots of anger...

 

CHRISTIE

Sounds like you've had a long life...Listen, come over to my dorm in about half an hour...we'll rent some Fellini, get some Chinese...on me....

 

DARIA

You're not coming onto me are you?

 

CHRISTIE

Believe me, If I was going to come onto you, I would've done it already...and you'd be putty in my hands...

 

DARIA

Because you're such a catch...I mean....Satyricon and Chinese...you really know the way to a girls heart...

 

CHRISTIE

You know it.....hey...you just made a joke about me coming onto you! Does this mean you're finally accepting my sexuality...?

 

DARIA

I guess so. I mean, you can't help who you are...you're just that way...you shouldn't have to make apologies to people just for expressing yourself. I bet you've had to put up with people trying to analyse you for most of your life, I bet you've had people trying to 'cure' you...trying to 'fix' you....

 

CHRISTIE

We're not talking about me anymore are we?

 

DARIA

Not as such, no.

 

CHRISTIE

Well, we'll get some chocolate on the way......(to staff) I'm going to leave now. If any of you screw up...I'm blaming Rodney!

 

Scene X (INT, Night, Christies Dorm)

 

(The door opens, and we find a pretty dingy dorm, with one bed, one bathroom, half a kitchen, and a quarter of a lounge)

 

CHRISTIE

Let me give you the full tour. In this room we have the Kitchen, Bedroom, Bathroom and entertainment area. That's about it.

 

DARIA

Wow, that night you really were curious to see how good we had it....dammit...this just makes me guiltier!

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah, well you get what you pay for...Don't worry about it Daria...seriously....it's all going to work out...Like I said, Neill's a good guy, he'll see your point of view.

 

DARIA

What is it with you two anyhow?

 

CHRISTIE

What do you mean?

 

DARIA

You two seem to hang around a lot. I don't get it...Neill wouldn't hang around a girl for that long unless he wanted to you know....

 

CHRISTIE

Dance the Charleston with me?

 

DARIA

Exactly

 

CHRISTIE

Listen, I like women...that's not going to change. I don't think it ever will. And I don't think Neill is that stupid. But Neill is the closest thing to a guy friend I've had in...well...ever. He just gets me you know?

 

DARIA

I guess so...

 

CHRISTIE

I mean, I've never found anybody so accepting before...it's a nice experience...and he's a really nice guy as well...and he's not an ego monster...he knows that he's only getting action because of his accent...you know

 

DARIA

I guess I know what you mean

 

CHRISTIE

Listen to us, the Neill Hayden appreciation Society....I'm sure he has some deep, dark secret....

 

DARIA

Hmmm...maybe it wasn't the Dingo that took that baby

 

CHRISTIE

(Laughing) Yeah! Maybe he's an alien!

 

DARIA

That would explain why he can drink so much and appear sober...

 

(Christie Chuckles)

 

DARIA

Dammit! All this talk about Neill has me getting even guiltier!

 

CHRISTIE

You keep on saying that! And I keep on saying that everything's going to work out!

 

DARIA

Stuff never works out for me...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, what if I said you got the job.

 

DARIA

What?

 

CHRISTIE

You know how I said I ran the place.....for all intents and purposes that's true....and you passed your trial with flying colours....Daria Morgandorffer...Welcome to the Raft Coffee House Team!

 

DARIA

You mean...that cleaning....was a test?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah......You can pick up all the other stuff later...I'm sure you can...I just needed to see wether or not you were allergic to certain cleaning agents.....

 

DARIA

Well...thanks...

 

CHRISTIE

That's Ok...you're a good kid.

 

DARIA

Kid?

 

CHRISTIE

Until you lose your virginity...you'll be called 'kid'

 

DARIA

Neill told you about that?! (Getting angry)

 

CHRISTIE

No, Neill and I are very similar people...we can just tell....you know...

 

DARIA

Oh...

 

CHRISTIE

Put in the tape would you?

 

(Daria puts in the tape)

 

Scene XI (INT, Night, Neill's Dorm)

 

(There is now a crowd of 30 people around the computer, watching intently)

 

BRAD

Dude, you should really start charging admission.

 

NEILL

Nah, I get enough from my Radio job

 

BRAD

You work on Radio?

 

NEILL

Yeah. Got offered the job today...turns out this accent is good for something apart form picking up....

 

YELL FROM BACK

Down in front!

 

NEILL

Sorry...

 

Scene XII (INT, Night, Janes Room)

 

(We see Jane creating a sculpture)

 

JANE

Another visionary masterpiece....

 

(Trent and Jesse enter)

 

JANE

Ahh...I see the two blind mice bumped into each other...

 

JESSE

Yeah

 

TRENT

Yeah...hey...what's the sculpture about?

 

JANE

I call it 'Anarchic Death Spiral'

 

TRENT

Nice use of cow bones

 

JESSE

Yeah

 

JANE

Yeah, but now I need to order some more...the butcher doesn't have enough bones for me. My appetite for bones is insatiable...so now I have to order them online...

 

TRENT

My appetite for bones is insatiable...

 

JESSE

My lust for death inescapable...

 

TRENT

Cool

 

(Trent and Jesse exit)

 

( Jane puts the final touches on the sculpture)

 

JANE

Damn....I really could use some more cow bones

 

(Walks over to computer and turns on screen. It's an understatement to say that seeing 30 faces peering back at her is a shock, she puts on her headset)

 

(Neill tips his drink to her)

 

VOICE FROM BACK

Dance!...

 

(A chant of Dance! Dance! Dance! Goes up)

 

JANE

I always wondered when I'd become an internet phenomenon...

 

END

 

-          What secret lurks in Neill's past? What makes him so damn pleasant? What does Daria see in Brad? What is the meaning of life? These questions answered in the next episode!-

 

 

(Authors Notes)

 

*Well, that's number 3 done! Side note, this episode was done in 2 hours 34 minutes and 13 seconds.*

 

*Questions? Comments? Nude Conspiracies? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com*