THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 2
PUCKS
REGRET
(Daria tries to come to terms
with Christie's sexuality, to Neill's amusement)
(Scene I, INT, Night,
where we left off)
NEILL
If I may say so,
that is just.....so hot.
CHRISITE
It always is
NEILL
Bi or Gay?
CHRISTIE
Gay
NEILL
Damn, can't blame you though,
the female form is such a beautiful thing
CHRISTIE
That's what I find. So you're
not going to try and turn me?
NEILL
Nah, besides, if I have a
lesbian friend, she can take pictures for me
CHRISTIE
And you're okay with the whole
thing? I was expecting an uncomfortable silence.
NEILL
You mean the kind of silence
that's coming from Daria?
CHRISTIE
The very same. Are you okay over
there?
DARIA
Uhh...yeah. Sorry, it's just
that we never really had gay people in
NEILL
Really? You?
Miss Sexpot? Now I refuse to believe that!
(Daria looks more than a
little embarrassed)
CHRISTIE
Awww, we're making
little Daria feel awkward. So, can I get the full tour or what?
NEILL
Yes, she is tiny isn't she?
Ok, I suppose I should start with the bedroom...
CHRISTIE
And you say you're not trying
to turn me?
NEILL
No, but hey, if ever you
decide to give guys a go, you know where I am
CHRISTIE
I don't know wether to be
flattered or disgusted
(They both leave the living
area)
Scene II (INT, Night,
Daria reading on sofa)
(Christie
Departing)
NEILL
Ok then, I'll see you some
time. Don't be a stranger ok?
(Christie shuts door)
NEILL
What a delightful young lady.
Hey, Daria, are you okay?
DARIA
Just fine, never been better.
NEILL
Are you sure, because I'm
sorry for making those cracks about you before.
DARIA
It's not that I'm worried
about
NEILL
You're worried about
something?
DARIA
Umm......No.
NEILL
Come on Daria, if we're going
to be living together for a while, you're going to have to be honest with me
eventually
DARIA
Eventually is an eventuality
that I hope never eventuates
NEILL
None of your linguistic
gymnastics on me Daria!
DARIA
Fine. It's just that she
invited herself up here.
NEILL
Yeah...and?
DARIA
Two minutes after meeting me.
NEILL
I fail to see your point
DARIA
People don't do things like
that unless......
NEILL
Oh! Come on Daria! You're
worried that Christie was hitting on you?
DARIA
Maybe, I just don't know, let's
just say I'm bad at picking up anything from people.
NEILL
Listen, if she were hitting on
you, which I sincerely doubt, she wouldn't have said she was going to sleep
with the blonde, I mean, that's just a bad move, believe me I know.
DARIA
I suppose your right. Is
everyone here obsessed with you know...?
NEILL
Pretty much. Why do you ask?
Hang on......are you a......?
DARIA
Person...uh...yes...person
NEILL
Another piece of the puzzle
falls into place. You'd better get some sleep. We can leave the awkward sexual
topics for another day. We have class tomorrow.
DARIA
We do?
NEILL
Yeah, look on your program.
All English Lit students have an intro class tomorrow.
DARIA
You're English Lit?
NEILL
No, I have another class
tomorrow. Try to get some sleep okay? I'll be back in the morning.
(Neill leaves the dorm)
(Fade to black)
(Daria wakes up)
DARIA
No, It
wasn't a bad dream. I'm still here.
(Daria gets up and walks
around, hears the sound of sizzling coming from the kitchen)
NEILL
Good Morning Daria!
DARIA
That depends on your point of
view. Are you..........cooking me breakfast?
NEILL
Yeah, as an apology for making
you feel uncomfortable yesterday. If there are things you don't want to tell
me, I shouldn't try to pry. I guess I'm just curious. Besides, it's nothing
flash, I used to cook for the family.
DARIA
What about your parents?
NEILL
Well Dad was no Iron Chef......and
Mum...well.......I never really had a chance to taste her cooking
DARIA
Oh...I'm sorry.
NEILL
That's ok, She went early on
in the innings, didn't get a chance to know her. Anyhow, enough of these gloomy
topics! What time does your class start?
DARIA
(Looks at her watch) 5 minutes
ago.
(Runs out of dorm)
NEILL
Run Forrest! Run!
Scene III (INT,
morning, Lecture Room)
(Daria tries to discreetly
enter the room and sit down)
PROFESSOR
Lose your way?
DARIA
Um...yes.
PROFESSOR
That's okay, for now. See that
it doesn't happen again. Grab a syllabus from the front of the room and sit
down.
(Daria looks for a place to
sit down, she sees only one seat left, and next to that seat, she sees Brad
motioning to her to come and sit down)
DARIA
V.O- Good God No. Anywhere but
there.
PROFESSOR
Well do sit down young lady!
(Daria goes against her better
judgment and sits down next to Brad)
BRAD
Hey Daria
DARIA
Uhh......Hey.
PROFESSOR
As I was saying before I was
so rudely interrupted, my name is Professor Hamilton, and this is English
Literature 101. Now you've probably already studied the American greats in High
School I would imagine, so I'm going to go a different road this semester......
Scene IV (INT,
Morning, Christie and Neill walking through the quad)
CHRISTIE
And then he tries to insist
that lesbianism is a disease
NEILL
Damn! He must've been burnt! I
don't think lesbianism is a disease, but it sure is pretty.
CHRISTIE
Don't make me kill you
NEILL
What are you gonna do? Climb
up here and gnaw my ankles off?
CHRISTIE
No, but I can punch you where
the sun doesn't shine quite easily.
NEILL
Good point and well made. Hey,
I meant to ask, what do you think of Daria?
CHRISTIE
Nice girl,
isn't completely illiterate. Seems like a smart person. Quite rare.
NEILL
So you don't find her,
attractive?
CHRISTIE
Not Physically. She ain't my
type of gal. Wait. Why do you ask? Going to put the moves on her?
NEILL
Trust me, If I wanted to put
the moves on her, I would've already, and she would be putty in my hands.
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah, because you're such a
super-stud.
NEILL
What can I say, it's the
accent. No, it's just that Daria thinks that...
CHRISTIE
Oh God! She doesn't think...
NEILL
Yep. She's a bit shaken about
the whole thing.
CHRISTIE
I bet we could have some fun
with this...
NEILL
Christie, I like the way you
think.
(A football flies near to
them, out of instinct, Neill runs and catches the ball)
STEVE
A little help!
(Neill kicks the ball back, to
a look of astonishment from the football training squad)
Scene V (INT, Day,
inside room 317, Daria and Brad walk in)
DARIA
Now I know I brought a copy of
Byron with me...
(Brad, upon seeing the lots of
books that Daria brought with her)
BRAD
Whoah. Planning on being a
writer?
DARIA
How can you tell?
BRAD
You know, glasses, lots of
books, English Lit, all of the above
DARIA
And you plan on being a
musician?
BRAD
Yeah, going to bring a new
brand of emo/punk/hip hop/electronica to the world. How can you tell?
DARIA
You don't wear a watch
BRAD
Yeah, watches depress me.
DARIA
Yeah...watches suck
(Silence follows)
DARIA
V.O- Say
something...anything....talk about corn...anything!
DARIA
So...you in a band?
BRAD
Yeah...The Random Pigeons
DARIA
Cool name V.O- Yes...I've gone
insane
BRAD
Hey, you should come and watch
us play some time...it'll be cool
DARIA
Ok...I will
BRAD
Cool
DARIA
Cool
(Neill Walks in)
NEILL
Hey, am I interrupting
anything? (Looks at Daria)
BRAD
Nah, just telling Daria about
our gig on Saturday.
NEILL
Oh, the one at the Pimento in
town? Yeah, Daria would like that. Wouldn't you Daria?
DARIA
V.O-I can think of a few
things I'd like right now- , Uh, yeah.
NEILL
Anyhow, I'm not here for long,
I've got training.
DARIA
Training?
NEILL
Yeah, I made it onto the
football team, turns out being a place kicker is incredibly easy.
BRAD
Whoa, you're a football player
now?
NEILL
Yeah, I thought I'd give it a
crack. You know, cheerleaders. Anyhow, I'm off then. Oh and Daria, I almost
forgot, Christie was wondering if you wanted to meet up later for coffee and
what have you...
DARIA
She what?
NEILL
Hey, I'm just the messenger.
Brad, see you around.
BRAD
Yeah, I should be going now
too. Thanks for the book Daria.
DARIA
That's umm...ok.
(Neill and Brad exit)
(Daria buries her head in her
hands, and then sighs and walks over to the phone)
(Split screen with
Hello?
DARIA
Hey Trent, what are you doing
on the phone?
I live here...the last time I
checked
DARIA
Well...yeah...(blushes)...have
you seen Jane?
Not lately...Oh wait, here she
comes. By the way, how's college?
DARIA
You know...idiots...pizza bad...
TRENT
Same old eh? (Chuckles) Ok,
heres Janey
JANE
Hey, what's up?
DARIA
Just calling to see how you
are
JANE
You don't call to see how
people are, what's up?
DARIA
Nothing's up
JANE
Come on now, you expect me to
believe that?
DARIA
Fine, if you tell anyone I
will have to kill you
JANE
At least you haven't had a
personality switch, out with it Morgandorffer!
DARIA
Fine, My roommate is now on
the football team, One of only a handful of people I can get along with may in
fact be looking for a romantic relationship, and I'm umm....in.....I like a
musician.
JANE
What, another one? Daria, do
you plan to date all members of the Backstreet Boys? Its ok, you can tell me.
DARIA
Screw you Lane!
JANE
Whoa, calm down there sister!
Besides, I think that the Backstreet Boys should be classified more in the
'mime' category than the 'artist' one.
DARIA
I'm sorry, it's just getting
used to this whole routine, seeing my roommate in a robe, it's been kinda
stressful.
JANE
Your roommate cute?
DARIA
You'd probably find him cute,
but then again, you always did like the pretty boys.
JANE
Tell me about this guy who's
trying to force you into a relationship
DARIA
Not quite a guy as such...
JANE
You mean...
DARIA
Yeah. We met in a coffee
shop........
JANE
Sounds like a whirlwind
romance to me.....
DARIA
I will kill you Lane. No, it turns out she's a very nice girl, but
she invites herself up to our dorm...
JANE
She tried to put the moves on
you?
DARIA
Not as such.
JANE
So let me get this straight,
she attempts to be your friend, announces her sexuality in an attempt to be
totally honest with you, doesn't put the moves on you, and you decide that
she's totally hitting on you?
DARIA
I'm being paranoid aren't I?
JANE
Have you checked under the bed
for gremlins yet?
DARIA
Fine, I'm going to go.
JANE
Oh, before you go. Call your
parents, for the love of God! If I have to comfort your mother again, you're
paying for the therapy bill.
DARIA
She's that distressed?
JANE
No, I'm talking about my bill.
I'll talk to you later.
(
Scene VI (EXT-INT,
Dusk, Outside Coffee shop, going in)
DARIA
Well, here goes nothing.
(Daria enters to find Christie
working behind the counter)
CHRISTIE
(Sounding Perky) Hi Daria!
Just the girl I wanted to see! I got you these flowers!
DARIA
Umm...thanks...listen.......I need to
talk to you about something......
CHRISTIE
What is it Dar? Do I mind if I
call you Dar?
DARIA
Umm......I guess not.
CHRISTIE
Good, it just sounds soooo
cute on you
DARIA
I...uhh...(Getting flustered) Guess so?
CHRISTIE
Guess what!? I'm taking
English Lit 101 for extra credit! I guess we'll be spending a lot more time
together!
DARIA
Yes...I suppose
so...Listen...Christie....you seem like an intelligent person, so I'm going to come
right out and say it...Christie...I...
(Steven walks in)
STEVE
Hey Babe!
CHRISTIE
I told you Steve, I've moved
on...not that there was anything to move on from...I've found someone new.
STEVE
Is this your little friend?
(Referring to Daria)
CHRISTIE
You leave her out of this
Steve!
STEVE
Fine! I'll let you and your
little friend do your thing!
(Steve leaves)
CHRISTIE
Jerk! Now what is it you were
trying to say Dar?
DARIA
I uh....have got to go. (Rushes
out embarrassed)
(We now see that Neill was in
the corner, behind a newspaper)
NEILL
Wow! That went better than I
expected!
CHRISTIE
I don't know. I think she's
getting seriously weirded out. I mean, I don't want to lose her as a friend you
know?
NEILL
Don't worry; it'll only be for
a little while longer. Then you can get back to your girly chats about perfume,
or whatever it is that that you girls talk about.
CHRISTIE
We don't talk, we just compare
breast sizes.
NEILL
Again...Hot.
Scene VII (INT, Night,
Daria's Dorm)
(Daria enters, flustered,
paces the room)
(There's a knock at the door,
Daria answers)
DARIA
Brad! What are you doing here!
BRAD
Hey...I left my pick here...it's
the good one too.
DARIA
Oh, do you know where you left
it?
BRAD
I think I left it in your
bedroom.....maybe.....or the study....whatever
DARIA
Ok, I'll search my room and
you search the study
DARIA
V.O- What the hell was he
doing in my room?
BRAD
Here it is....in the study
DARIA
Thank God
BRAD
What?
DARIA
Nothing
BRAD
Oh, ok then....cool.....I better
go then.
DARIA
I guess....yeah...see you in class
BRAD
Maybe......depends on whether I
lose my pick or not
(Daria chuckles and stifles
herself)
BRAD
Well, bye.
(Brad leaves)
DARIA
That's enough weirdness for
one evening.
(Phone rings)
DARIA
Oh yeah. Fate hates me
alright.
(Picks up phone)
DARIA
Hello?
(Split screen with Helen)
HELEN
Oh, it's so good to hear
you're voice again.
DARIA
I've been away for two
days...its
HELEN
I am. I'm using company time
to call you.
DARIA
Well that just makes me feel
all warm and fuzzy inside
HELEN
I wanted to say I'm sorry I
didn't show up to see you off at College.
DARIA
I understand....big case?
HELEN
Yes...it's just that you raise
them, feed them, watch them grow up, go through loves and life, and then before
you know it...they're out of the nest, and in the big bad world...(on
the verge of crying)
DARIA
What have I told you about
crying?
HELEN
I'm sorry...why haven't you
called?
DARIA
It's been two days, I've been
busy adjusting to the hustle and bustle of the big city...besides, I'll be back for semester break...got to help Jane move.
HELEN
Ok, well, I guess I'll let you
go.....so....call us every so often ok?
DARIA
Ok...
(Daria hangs up)
DARIA
Ok, now that's enough weirdness for one day.
(Neill and Christie enter)
DARIA
I just had to open my big
mouth didn't I?
CHRISTIE
Hey, Daria, can I talk to you
alone?
DARIA
Ummm......no.
NEILL
I think you'll what to hear
what she has to say
DARIA
Ok. It can't be any weirder
than what I've had to endure today.
(Neill leaves)
CHRISTIE
Listen, Daria...
DARIA
No, me first. I think you're a
nice girl, and I hope we can remain friends, I mean; you seem to be above the
petty jerks here, but, I'm just not into...you know...
CHRISTIE
Trains Planes and Automobiles?
DARIA
You're not making this easier
you know!
CHRISTIE
Oh...I know.
DARIA
Wait? You know?
CHRISTIE
Of Course I know you're not
into women.
DARIA
Then why were you...
CHRISTIE
Do you know how fun it is to
mess with your mind?
DARIA
Then it was all a joke?
(Neill Enters)
NEILL
Thank you! I'll be here all
week!
CHRISTIE
Not now Neill!
(Neill exits)
CHRISTIE
Yes, me acting like I was
coming onto you was all a joke. But I do think you are one of the more
intelligent people I've met at this College. That's a pretty rare thing for
me....So I've decided to put an end to it.....despite Neill's objections. I like to
have fun, but the chance to be friends with someone totally original, that
doesn't happen often. I'm sorry if you felt weirded out, I was just having fun...
DARIA
Well for what it's worth, I
can see how it was like shooting fish in a barrel
CHRISTIE
Want to talk about it?
DARIA
Not really. Listen I think we
can be friends, but it'll take a while to adjust you know...
CHRISTIE
Sure, I understand...Friends?
DARIA
Friends.
(Neill Enters)
CHRISTIE
Oh, Neill, you just missed us
comparing breast sizes.
NEILL
Dammit!
(Neill exits)
CHRISTIE
Fun isn't it?
DARIA
You know what? It is fun...
(Daria give a Mona Lisa smile)
END
-Next Time: Daria tries to
find a job? Will Brad develop any more personality? Will Steve ever get the
hint? Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear? These questions and more answered
in the next episode.-
(Authors Notes)
*Well, that's episode 2 done.
I know its moving a bit slow now, but I want to take about 4 episodes for
establishment and such. There are plenty of juicy storylines in the pipeline,
so keep on reading*
**Questions? Comments?
Badgers? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com