THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE I
TODAY
IS THE BEGINNING OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
(Daria meets her new roommate,
and encounters various characters)
Scene I (INT, Day, Quinn, Daria and Jake in car, driving)
JAKE
I'm just saying that it may
take a while for you to fit in Daria, I mean; college can be a big and scary
world.
DARIA
I think I'll be fine. As long
as they have pizza and satanic worshiping chapels, I'll be fine.
JAKE
Satanic Chapels!?!
QUINN
Daddy, I think Daria is joking,
as hard as it may be to comprehend sometimes. It's like a fat people wearing
spots...it's hard to see why they would do it, I mean; Stripes are in this season
as well, that reminds me, Daddy, can I have $100?
JAKE
$100!?!
DARIA
Why exactly are you here
again?.......sis.
QUINN
I thought I told you not to
call me that in public!
DARIA
Oh, I'm sorry, our father might
hear me, and of course the Russian spy satellites that are an affront to our
way of life
JAKE
Russian Spy Satellites!?!
Arrrrggggghhhhh!
(Car careers out of control
for a second, before Jake corrects the car)
QUINN
Calm down Dad! Daria was
joking again! Geez! Where's mom anyhow?
JAKE
Ummm.......Business
meeting......Partners......Lasagne......
DARIA
On the subject of unexplained
absences, or lack thereof, Quinn, why aren't you absent?
QUINN
I'm curious...too see...you
know...what college is like and stuff
DARIA
By stuff I assume you'll be checking to see if you can get college
guys to do your evil bidding.
JAKE
Evil bidding?
Scene II (EXT, Day, Car Pulling into Raft, to the Administration building,
Daria, Jake and Quinn get out)
JAKE
(To Daria) You know kiddo,
today is the first day of the rest of your life.
DARIA
You mean the pointless
existence I've had up until this point has just been the first act?
JAKE
Yeah! Wait...
QUINN
I think I see a clothes
store...bye!
JAKE
Wait Quinn! (sighs in
defeat)...well Daria, do you need help with your bags?
DARIA
Ummm (unsure how to
respond)...sure, the worst you could do is have a mild stroke...
JAKE
What do you mean kiddo?
(Attempts to pick up bag)... well gee whiz kiddo! Planning to build up some
muscle?
DARIA
18 years of social isolation
feels heavy doesn't it?
JAKE
Now where are we supposed to
go?
DARIA
The dispatch we got said that
we are supposed to go to the administration building with our papers, so they
can allocate us dorm rooms
JAKE
For the love of god please
tell me the administration building is right in front of us!
DARIA
Yes, don't worry, that stroke
will have to wait for another day
Scene III (INT, Day, Inside Administration building, there is a long queue and a
very flustered administrator at the front of the line, behind a desk)
JAKE
Looks like there's going to be
a long wait hey kiddo?
DARIA
I've been waiting for
approximately 5 years now, 3 more hours won't hurt.
JAKE
Well, I guess that I should
really go and find Quinn......
DARIA
So I guess...
JAKE
This is goodbye for a while.
DARIA
Yep.
JAKE
Ok then.
DARIA
Ok.
(Jake then proceeds to give
Daria quite a big hug)
DARIA
Dad! Stop! I'll be back for Thanksgiving!
JAKE
(Wipes a tear from the eye)
Now I know why your mother just couldn't take this...
(A surprised look from Daria,
then Jake walks off)
(Daria then settles in for a
long wait, Time lapses)
(She notices her surroundings,
the old buildings out of window, she then notices the guy in front of her in
the line.)
(The guy is about 6'5", has
short, blond, wavy hair, wearing jeans, and a plain white shirt, has one eye
blue, one green)
DARIA
Excuse me, how long have you
been here?
GUY
About three days
(Expression of surprise on
Daria's face)
GUY
Oh, you meant in the room,
about 2 hours
(Daria noticing accent)
DARIA
You're not from around here
are you?
GUY
I guess you could say that.
G'Day, Neill's the name. And no, I don't do Steve Irwin impressions.
DARIA
Umm...Ok...
NEILL
I reckon I should explain
that. You see, the first moment I land at the airport the air hostess notices
my accent and asks me to do a Steve Irwin impression. Since then, I've done
about 20 impressions of Steve Irwin, gets a bit tiring after awhile. Although I
did get the hostess' phone number, so it's all good.
DARIA
Umm...Ok...
NEILL
You don't say much do you?
DARIA
I do, but I find that when I
say things, it makes people talk back to me, and I need that in my life right
now like I need a blow to the head from a blunt instrument.
NEILL
Umm...Ok...
(Daria gives a sigh)
DARIA
Sorry, I've just been in a
tight space with my sister for 3 hours
NEILL
I'm going to go ahead and guess
that's pretty much hell for you
DARIA
Not quite, Hell for me is a 3
hour car trip with my sister...while listening to N*Sync.
NEILL
Family eh? Can't live with
'em, can't live without 'em. Me, I've got 3 brothers, I'm the youngest so I
have to put up with all the crap about being 'the favourite' and such. But they're
good blokes.
DARIA
So you came here to escape?
NEILL
Nah, like I said, they're good
blokes. I came here because of the special reduced fee I have to pay to come
here. This college treats its international students quite well. So well in
fact it's costing me the same to come here then what it does to go to an
DARIA
So you came here purely for
fiscal reasons?
NEILL
Yeah, I also heard that Ozzie
accents are in demand right now, if you know what I mean.
DARIA
(Apprehensively asking)
Working in Radio?
NEILL
No, but I've gotten 5 phone
numbers in 3 days. That's almost a record for me.
(We now see that the line has
been reduced significantly)
ADMINISTRATOR
Next!
NEILL
(To Daria) Well, I guess
that's me. (To Administrator) Neill Hayden...International Student...
ADMINISTRATOR
Oh! Welcome to
NEILL
We're all friends here! You
don't have to call me 'sir' (noticing name badge)
(
(Daria looks out the window
while Neill completes his registration, to find Quinn carrying 10 new outfits,
with stressed out Jake in tow.)
(Daria chuckles)
NEILL
(To Daria) Did I say 5 phone
numbers?, because I meant 6. I love this country. Well I'm done; I can wait
around and help you with the bags if you want.
DARIA
Ok, I could use some help with
the mahogany bed...
(Neill can sense the sarcasm)
NEIIL
(Noticing a svelte brunette
close to them) Well, I'll just be over there. (To Brunette) G'Day, how's it
goin'?
(Daria looks mildly disgusted)
Next!
DARIA
Daria Morgandorffer. Freshman.
Yeah, yeah. Morgandorffer. Your
dorm is building 7, room 202. Next!
DARIA
Um...Ok?
You're holding up the line
missy. Next!
NEILL
All set?
DARIA
Yeah, I guess so. (sighs)
(Neill tries to pick up the
bag Jake was carrying earlier)
NEILL
Stewth! You weren't kidding
about the mahogany bed were you!
Scene IV (INT, Day, Neill and Daria walking to room 202)
NEILL
By the way, you didn't tell me
your name...
DARIA
Daria
NEILL
Daria eh? That's an unusual
name. And Morgandorffer...German?
DARIA
Uh, not that I know of. Umm,
how do you know my last name?
NEILL
It's on this bag
(Shows Daria Bag)
NEILL
So Daria Morgandorffer, tell
about your hopes and dreams? What do you hope to get out of Raft?
DARIA
Are you getting money to
conduct surveys that ask stupid questions?
NEILL
Just curious
DARIA
Well you know what they say,
Curiosity will eventually kill Steve Irwin.
NEILL
Crickey! It's just a question!
No need to jump down my throat!
DARIA
(Realising she's being quite
rude) I'm sorry. It's just the stress of the last few days. Saying goodbye to
everyone, the car trip, emotional farewells, its taking its toll I guess.
NEILL
Apology accepted. So are you
going to answer my question or what?
DARIA
I guess so. I suppose I hope
to get out of here alive, and with all limbs attached.
NEILL
Umm...neat?
(They find themselves at room
202)
DARIA
Well, I guess this is my stop,
I got to get off.
NEILL
Well I suppose I'll see you
around. (Starts to walk off, and then turns back) Um...Listen. If you ever feel
like talking or whatever, I'm in room 312, building 8.
DARIA
Um...Ok. Well, I guess I'll see
you around then.
(Neill walks off, Daria turns
and knocks on the door)
(The Door opens to reveal a
5'8" blonde woman, with big, round eyes, wearing a 'I Love Jesus and he loves
me back' T-Shirt)
(Daria looks inside the dorm
room to find a crucifix and other religious paraphernalia around)
GIRL
Praise Jesus! You must be
Daria!
DARIA
Uh, no, I'm Darlene. They
must've mixed up our registration. This isn't my room then. Well, bye.
GIRL
Well goodbye! Don't be a
stranger now!
Scene V (INT, Day,
Room 312, building 8. We see the door of the room, and Daria approaching it)
(Daria knocks on the door,
Neill answers)
NEILL
Daria! Hey, I figured you
weren't the type to talk, but come on in.
(Daria enters to find a dorm
room that is for all intents and purposes, a modern apartment)
NEILL
Pretty flash eh? Being an
international student has its perks, I must say! Well, what is it you wanted to
talk about?
DARIA
Oh, I'm not here to talk, I
just need a place to stay for a few weeks.
NEILL
What's wrong with your room?
DARIA
I have a problem with
religious fanatics. They don't approve of Dante. Or satanic rituals.
NEILL
Well, I'll take your word for
it. I was looking forward to having home court advantage as well. Well, I guess
it's a lot of morning classes for me then...Ok, you can stay until you get a room
sorted out. Your room is through here.
DARIA
Wait? You have more than one
bedroom?
NEILL
I told you International
Students were treated as deities by the administration.
DARIA
I'm starting to get that
impression.
NEILL
Well, we have 2 bedrooms,
kitchen, study, living area, 2 en-suite bathrooms, and a view of the 'historic'
bell tower.
DARIA
I take it you're here to
become a real estate agent?
NEILL
Nah. The nifty introduction
came in this pamphlet. I've got to go now. I've got my Orientation in about 10
minutes. Get yourself settled in and such. Oh, and Daria, if you touch my beer,
you'll owe me a new slab.
(Neill exits, leaving Daria in
her new surroundings)
(Daria walks around taking in
her new digs, Goes to her room, and notices a queen size bed)
DARIA
Well at least this is an
upgrade. The place doesn't feel quite the same without padding though.
(Daria then starts to unpack
her backs, including one bag that contains a copious amount of literature.
After putting her books in the study, Daria then notices a computer in the
living area. She goes back to her room and comes back out with a web cam and a
headset.)
(Daria then plugs in the web
cam and headset. She types away, we then see the screen flicker to life, and
Jane's face in the monitor)
JANE
Ola Amiga!
DARIA
Yeah, hi.
JANE
I see the 'going to college'
present is working well
DARIA
Yeah, about that. Thanks.
JANE
Are you getting all mushy on
me Morgandorffer?
DARIA
No, I don't think I can get
mushy, just less cynical
JANE
You? Cynical?
DARIA
Did I mention I sent an
anthrax laced package for you?
JANE
Ahh, there she is. How's
college so far? I'm going to have to live vicariously through you for a while.
DARIA
Well, apart from Dad crying,
waiting in a line for 2 hours, having my dorm room inhabited by Miss Bible
Girl, and then having to share a room with an antipodean Hugh Hefner, it's
Martha Stewart and a mariachi band away from being hell. Oh, and in the few
hours I've been here, I've begun to suspect that the administration may be just
that little bit biased toward international students.
JANE
Same old, Same Old hey?
DARIA
So...how are things back at HQ?
JANE
You mean in the few hours
you've been gone? Well
DARIA
I'm still surprised he got up
to see me off
JANE
Hey, you're a college girl
now...
DARIA
I'm now sending you another
package, this time with smallpox in it.
JANE
Ok, Ok. Someone get a doctor,
I hit a nerve. I've got to go now, but I'll talk to you later. Bye.
(With that Daria logs off, to
find that Neill has returned with some guy)
(His companion is about 6'1",
short, shaggy red hair, Jeans and a faded black shirt)
NEILL
I know it's around here
somewhere, oh, hey Daria, this is Brad, Brad, Daria. She's staying here for a
couple of weeks.
(Daria gives a mixture of a
look, from 'I like this guy' and 'Oh no, not again')
BRAD
Hey
DARIA
Hey (Muffled response)
(Silence follows)
NEILL
Oh. Here it is.
(Neill pulls out an acoustic
guitar)
BRAD
Pretty sweet dude.
(Plays a few bars)
NEILL
Well, I'm no musician, It's
mostly to impress the chicks. They think I'm all artistic and what have you,
and they pretty much become putty in my hands, but you must know about that
right mate?
BRAD
Note really, I make really bad
decisions when it comes to women. Besides, who wants some girl slobbering all
over you because you can play a guitar you know?
NEILL
Doesn't sound too bad to me! I
figured that the chicks got all fired up when it came to muso's. What about you
Daria? Do muso's get you all fired up?
(Daria gives Neill a killer
glare)
NEILL
Oh, I forgot, you don't have
any discernable passions.
BRAD
Well, it's been cool. I'll
give it back when I get my strings fixed. Nice to meet you...Daria was it?
DARIA
Uhh...Yeah (again, a muffled
response)
NEILL
Ok dude, catch ya. See you in
class!
(Brad exits)
NEILL
(With a sly look on his face)
Wow, great conversation there.
DARIA
Kill......You......
NEILL
Yeah, your linguistic skills
are unsurpassed. The way you muffled your answers....genius.
DARIA
I've got to go. Orientation.
(Daria hastily exits)
NEILL
Like shooting fish in a very
small barrel.
(Neill goes to the fridge and
takes out a beer)
Scene VI (EXT, Dusk,
Daria with a tour group)
TOUR LEADER
And as you can see...the
historic Library here at Raft is 70 years old, so it's quite historic, built by
the founders of this College, descendants of our current Dean, Mr Black. And if
you'll just follow me, we can proceed to the historic bell tower.
DARIA
(under her breath) I wonder if
the food is just as historic
(Daria leaves the tour group,
and finds a building that says Café')
DARIA
Yes, coffee, I definitely need
coffee.
Scene VII (INT, Dusk,
Daria enters the coffee shop)
(Daria walks up to the counter
to order)
(The server is female, about
5'10", long brunette hair, Blue eyes, wearing a standard coffee house uniform
with black apron)
DARIA
I need coffee, now.
Dark...very....very...dark.
SERVER
Hard day at the coal mines?
DARIA
I guess you could say that.
SERVER
Freshman?
DARIA
Yeah
SERVER
Did you see the historic
DARIA
I gathered, I bet it makes a
great snipers post. I can see it from my dorm though
SERVER
Then what the hell do you have
to complain about? You don't sound like an international student though.
DARIA
I'm not, I'm just staying with
one for a few weeks. What's the deal with the International Students anyhow?
SERVER
You mean how the
administration throw rose petals at their feet? I'm Christie by the Way.
DARIA
Daria, and uh, yeah. I mean,
our room even has separate bedrooms. It seems like they're getting an unfair
advantage.
CHRISTIE
Yeah, the Dean decides a few
years back that we need to enhance our international image. Think it will get
him on the cover of Dean Weekly or something. So now Raft offers international
students half the fees, and all the comfort they could ask for. Mr Black
figures that if the international students go back to their respective countries
and tell all their friends about how 'wonderful' and 'historic' Raft is, Raft
may get some international Kudos.
DARIA
Well It seems that way, or the
high-end computer in our dorm would point to that.
CHRISTIE
Listen, here's your coffee.
This may seem like an odd question, but I don't suppose I can check out your
dorm, I've always been curious to see exactly how wide the gap is.
DARIA
I uh, suppose. Though I should
warn you about my roommate. He's Mick Dundee and Hugh Hefner rolled into one
sick, sad combination.
CHRISTIE
Oh, I've met guys like him
before. They find me especially intriguing. I find that self-defence course I did last
semester comes in quite handy...I think I can resist going weak at the knees for
him.
DARIA
Well, it's room 312, Building
8, I guess, you can come by when your shift is over. You're not a burglar are
you?
CHRISTIE
Not that I know of...ok, let's
go. My shift is over.
DARIA
That seems awfully
convenient...are you sure you're not going to rob me?
CHRISTIE
As much as I need the money, I
do have morals....some at least.
Scene VIII (EXT, Dusk,
Daria and Christie walking to room 312)
CHRISTIE
And on your left, you'll see
intellectual poseurs. On your right, you'll see nihilistic poets talking about the
death of God in post modern society.......again......for the 10th time this
week. In front of you, you'll see the dean's building, but hopefully you'll
never actually go in
DARIA
Why do you say that?
CHRISTIE
You only ever get invited
there if you've screwed up big time, or he's hitting on you. You see, College
is different to High School, in that it only appeared in High School that the
administration didn't give a damn, now not only do they not give a damn, they
judge you by how much money you've got.
DARIA
Doesn't sound that different
CHRISTIE
Oh, don't look now, but I
think were about to be hit on by Captain
(Captain
CAPTAIN
Hey, Christie, you been
thinking about my offer yet?
CHRISTIE
Sure, I thought about it. But
then I quickly dismissed your kind offer to 'get me out of my rut'. I'm just
fine the way I am thank you. Steven.
STEVEN
You know, I bet a pretty girl
like you could get all sorts of guys if you tried. Who's your friend?
DARIA
Darlene
STEVEN
Well, if you took off those
glasses, then maybe, if I've been drinking
CHRISTIE
You remember when you came
onto me last summer; do you remember the smell of the emergency ward?
STEVEN
Fine. I'll let you and your
little friend do your thing. But mark my words, you will eventually succumb to
me.
CHRISTIE
Oh Steven, you're so fine you
blow my mind. Let me just go change into something a little more comfortable,
you wait for me at your place.
(Steven's heard this line
before, notes the sarcasm, and then leaves)
DARIA
What's up with that guy?
CHRISTIE
You mean Steve? He's been
after me since I first turned him down.
DARIA
Are all college guys so
persistent?
CHRISTIE
No, just Steve. Besides, I
told you, men find me especially alluring.
(Daria gives a quizzical look)
CHRISTIE
There's something about
playing it cool for about 2 years that drives some guys wild. I'm surprised
nobody's hit on you yet.
(Daria gives another quizzical
look)
CHRISTIE
You seem like the type of girl
that is very selective. You know, a girl that doesn't go around sleeping with
the first guy she sees. That drives guys wild, I should know.
DARIA
I'm not selective, it's just
that most guys don't fit a basic criteria
CHRISTIE
What exactly is that Criteria?
DARIA
They've got to realise the
difference between Huckleberry Finn and Huckleberry Hound.
CHRISTIE
You know you're going to die
alone right?
DARIA
Oh yeah. I count on it.
Scene IX (INT, Dusk, Daria
and Christie go to room 312)
(The door opens and we find
that Neill is in a bathrobe holding a bottle of champagne in one hand, and 2
champagne flutes in another)
NEILL
Oh, umm, Hey. Daria......I wasn't
expecting you back for at least another 20 minutes...
CHRISTIE
20 minutes eh? You must have
some incredible staying power.
NEILL
You know it luv. Daria...don't
just stand there, introduce us.
DARIA
Christie, Neill, Neill,
Christie
(We then see a cute blonde
girl in the doorway)
(Girl looks at Daria and
Christie)
GIRL
I don't know what you were
expecting of me! I'm disgusted at you Neill Hayden! I mean maybe the brunette,
but not girl with the glasses! Ugh!
NEILL
Wait! We can ditch Daria! I'm
sure Christie is up for it!
CHRISTIE
Don't make me kill you. I
can't be bothered cleaning up the mess.
(Girl leaves)
NEILL
Damn. Well, I suppose I can't
let this complementary bottle go to waste...Will you join me for a nightcap Daria
and Christie?
CHRISTIE
As long as you promise not to
get me involved in any foursomes, tonight at least.
NEILL
Damn. Can't blame a fella for
trying. Ok.
(Neill hands everyone a glass
and then fills it up)
NEILL
Well ladies, what should we
drink to?
DARIA
How about survival?
CHRISTIE
Avoiding group sex with people
you've just met?
NEILL
How about to the next step?
CHRISTIE
Again, don't make me kill you.
DARIA
How about to moving on?
CHRISTIE
I'll drink to that
NEILL
I'm Australian; I don't really
need an excuse to drink. Cheers!
(They each take a drink)
CHRISTIE
For what it's worth I'm sorry
about scaring off your date
NEILL
That's ok I suppose. Girls
like that are a dime a dozen. New phrase I learnt today.
CHRISTIE
I would've slept with her
though.
(Surprised look from Daria)
END
-How will Daria react to this
shock revelation? Is it even a revelation? How long will it take Neill to hit
on Daria? What is the Capital of Mongolia? These questions answered and more in
the next episode-
(Authors Notes)
*Thus ends the prologue of
'The rest of my damn life'. Why is Neill an Australian guy? Well, I am
Australian, and hope to explore some cultural differences throughout the
series, something that 'Daria' never really did. I like to think I know a
little bit about Australian culture.*
**Comments, questions, hate
mail? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
**