Michael felt a tingle and frowned. Someone was up to something... It was Cupid! That fat ass has-been had the nerve to go back to Lawndale! With an angry gesture, Michael Summoned the wretched revenant.

     The young Wizard drew his pentagram and ward runes painstakingly. Around the walls he placed rowan and garlic to reinforce the spell. He lit the braziers and consulting his scroll began his chant.

     "By my will I summon thee Quipd, demon of the third rank..."

     Quipd sat in the bath, sipped at his cup of blood and sighed. He hated his miserable job as a parchment shuffler. Today had been the roughest work day that he could remember in centuries. The First had been furious at some mortal and had taken it out on his staff. The flaming pyres that had once been department heads had meant promotion all around and no demon in his right mind ever wanted a promotion.

     Lucifer Morningstar was in a truly foul mood. He looked through the daily report and hated each and every little demon in hell. The bureaucracy was stultifying, no one ever took responsibility-

     "WHAT THE HELL!" Lucifer's shout shook the pillars of hell and sent a wave of dreadful terror through the demons and a counter-wave of gleeful anticipation through the dammed.

     An unspeakably evil man, chained to a red hot iron grating, laughed at the demon who lashed him. "Ere matey, some poor git's fer the plank! Yer movin' up, me boy!"

     The demon laughed nervously. Even after all these years, Teach still scared him. "Your damn right about that, Ed. At this rate Himself will use us up in a few thousand years! Well, enough chit chat, back to business."

     The demon consulted a list of sins and shook his head admiringly. "You're a perfect bastard, Captain Teach. Sometimes I think you'd give Himself a run for his money!"

     Lucifer smoldered in rage. Buried among the reports was an escape notice, and an important one at that. He would be losing two souls, souls that he had long coveted. How had this come about? He tapped his chin and thought. He had fried most of that department already, hmmm. Who was the department secretary... Qupid. He snapped his fingers and roared out the Summons. "Qupid!"  

     In the ether that lies between the creations, two separate veins of angelic power were jerked off course by the feeble spell of a mortal wizard. Three important things happened almost simultaneously.

     Like something from his most awful nightmare, Qupid found himself dripping wet and naked in the middle of the Celestial Court.

     Cupid appeared in front of Lucifer's smoking red throne, beheld the dreadful form of Lucifer and an instant later Lucifer appeared in the horrified Wizard's pentagram. Cupid was so shocked that he didn't even notice that he had dropped his tazer.

     Jane went to the kitchen to get some Cokes for her and Daria. As she hit the last step she saw a strange flash out of the corner of her eye. Walking over by the couch she found a thing that looked like a phaser from Star Trek.

     Jane picked the odd thing up and looked around, finding nothing else.

     Jane examined the phaser, fiddled with some knobs and sliders and finally pointing it at a wall, pulled the trigger. Nothing happened so she shrugged and stuck the toy in her belt. It looked interesting and could be incorporated into a sculpture sometime.

     Jane walked over to the fridge and opened it. No Coke, no juice, no milk, no nothing. Trent the human singularity had struck again. "Trent!" Jane fumed.

     "Yeah Janey?" Coming up the stairs, Trent saw her in front of the fridge and grinned. He had gotten a new case of Coke but had forgotten to put it in the fridge. "Oops. Sorry, Janey, I'll be right back with the goods."

     He went out to his new Ford and got the Coke. As he stepped back through the door he saw Daria at the foot of the stairs and dropped the case. It broke open and cans flew everywhere.

     Daria smiled at him. He was so cute when he was embarrassed. "Hi, Trent."

     Paralyzed, Trent croaked out, "Hey, Daria," and froze. Daria at eighteen almost drove him crazy every time he saw her.

     Daria stepped down and began picking up Coke cans. After he reeled his tongue back in Trent joined her. They smiled at each other as they picked up the cans.

     Jane watched from the kitchen door and grinned. These two had been doing a slow motion dance for the last two years. When Daria had started casually dating a guy from school, Trent had disappeared without a word. Four months later Jane got a call from Trent, who was working as a studio musician in LA. When she offhandedly mentioned that Daria hadn't been serious with the boy and wasn't seeing him anymore he had been back home within a week. Daria had asked about him every day for each of those four months. They were definitely stuck within each others orbits.

     When they backed into each other and Trent knocked Daria over, Jane chuckled at the tender way that he picked her up. They looked at each other and Daria blushed and began to pull away.

     Jane interrupted to smooth over the potential awkwardness. "Hey, do either of you guys know what this is?" She pointed the toy at them. "Eat hot gamma rays, alien slime!" Jane pulled the trigger and was stupefied when two thick crackling red beams hit Daria and Trent.

     "Oh my GOD!" Jane threw the thing down and rushed over to her victims. "Are you guys hurt? I'm so sorry..." She trailed off when she realized that they were staring at each other and ignoring her.

     "Daria," Trent whispered, his grip on her hands tightening.

     "Oh, Trent." Daria stepped in close to him and they embraced, then kissed passionately.

     Jane stood staring, open mouthed.

     "I love you, Daria! You're eighteen now, let's get married!" Trent swept her off of her feet.

     "God YES, Trent! But first TAKE ME RIGHT NOW! Takemetakemetakemetakeme!" Ecstatic, Daria wrapped her arms around his neck.

     "What the-" Jane squeaked in amazement as Trent rushed up the stairs, effortlessly carrying Daria. Belatedly following, she was just in time to see Trent's door slam.

     A few minutes later she convinced herself that it was all a joke and expecting laughter, put her ear against the door. Jane blushed fiery red and stumbled back. Forlornly Jane wondered if they had protection. She stood irresolute in the hall until the shrieks and moans drove her away.

     Descending the stairs in shock, Jane spied the phaser lying on the floor. She gingerly picked it up and examined it. It had a knob, a button, a slider and a trigger. The knob had a scale that went from an aleph to an omega. That was obviously a power level. Daria and Trent had been hit at an omega level, the highest. The slider had a little hourglass icon. As she slid it up and down the hourglass appeared to fill and empty. Jane decided that it stood for duration and that Daria and Trent had gotten the maximum. The button had an eye for an icon. As she pushed the button the eye appeared to open and close. She couldn't figure that one out at all. Looking at the thing, Jane concluded that it was some kind of mind control device.

     A rising series of ecstatic feminine shrieks from upstairs quickly drove Jane out of the house. As she walked aimlessly down the sidewalk, a big dog came trotting along, coming straight for her. Jane ignored it, until it ran headlong into her legs and leapt away, yelping in fear.

     The dog sniffed and growled, looking suspiciously at the place where Jane had been.

     Inspired, Jane pointed the thing at him and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened, except a red light came on.

     Shrugging, Jane pushed the button under the eye icon.

     The dog's head whipped around, he saw her, yelped, and ran away at top speed. Jane looked at the phaser admiringly. This thing could make animals not notice you. What about people?

     "This needs to be thoroughly tested," said Jane to herself. She smirked and caught a bus for the pizza parlor.

     The place was full of LHS students. "Hmm, guinea pigs." Jane briefly considered the ethics of her situation, then shrugged.

     Pushing the invisibility button, Jane made a circuit of the room. In the corner she saw Andrea, sitting by herself, surreptitiously add some rum to her Coke. Seeing her face in an unguarded moment, Jane was shocked at the desperate sadness in her eyes. Tearing herself away, Jane looked around and saw Evan eating with some other guys. Drifting over to them, she listened in to their conversation.

     "God what a beast," Evan said. They were looking at Andrea. "Why doesn't she take care of herself?"

     "Hey, chill. The girl's got a little weight problem is all, man. She's kind of pretty." A tall, homely rawboned guy that Jane didn't know spoke.

     "Well shit, Mike, why don't you go jump on it if you like her so much." Evan sneered at Mike.

     "Dude, you're a certified asshole. To hell with track. I think I'll join the football team instead." Mike stood and looked closely at Evan.

     Evan's insult died unspoken as Mike's burly form loomed over him.

     Mike grunted in amused contempt and strolled out the door.

     Jerry, the other guy with Even, grinned at him. "Old Mike looked like he was gonna shove your feet up your ass if you lipped off at him, Ev. His girlfriend's a little on the chunky side, you know."

     Evan glared furiously at his grinning friend. He would have liked nothing better than to whip his ass at that moment but he knew that Jerry was tough, a wrestler and adept at Judo, as taught by his ex Marine father. "Well, he might like big girls, but I don't. I'm gonna go run that oinker outta here, man." Someone had to pay.

     Evan walked to Andrea's table, smirking. He sat down uninvited and opened his mouth.

     That's when Jane let them have it with both barrels, maximum power and duration. She looked over at Jerry and his expression hadn't changed at all. He hadn't seen the beams!

     "Um, Andrea?" Evan appeared to be strangling.

     Andrea looked shocked. "Wh Wha Huh?"

     "Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?" Evans hand crawled across the table top and captured hers.

     "Ah um yeah. I would, ah err... Evan." Andrea and Evan stared intently into each others eyes for a long time and then without words, the two left, holding hands.

     Jerry shook his head in amazement. "What a weirdass thing to happen," he commented to himself. He looked suspiciously at the food, sniffed at Evan's Coke glass and decided to go rolf up his dinner, quick.

     Jane sat down at the table and absently nibbled at Andreas untouched vegetarian pizza slice. It appeared that the thing was a love gun. If it had been anything else those two would have been beating the hell out of each other right about now. Dialing it back to minimum power and duration she looked for another target of opportunity. It didn't take long. Sandi and Tiffany came in and sat down at the next booth. A few minutes later, Upchuck swaggered in, arrogantly surveyed the place and unerringly locked onto them.

     Sandi winked at Tiffany and said, "I'll bet you that cute new blouse I bought today against your red engineers hat that I can get him to pay for dinner AND leave us alone."

     "You're like on, Sandi." Tiffany smirked. As far as she knew, Sandi had never had a serious date in her life. Sandi tried, but only Quinn was that good.

     A few minutes later, Upchuck and Sandi were alone in the booth, exchanging passionate little kisses, and a horrified Tiffany was running for the door.

     Jane shook her head. At this rate she would never get this thing adequately tested. She kept maxing it out. At least she had two control couples now. If this thing wore off, they would split up immediately. That way she would know what was real about Daria and Trent and what was induced by the love gun.

     Lucifer Morningstar glared at the Wizard. Filling his lungs he bellowed, "Who the f**k are you, you little pissant!" All the glass in the tower shattered and all the people within five miles fled.

     "AAAAHHHHHGGGHHH!" The Wizard turned and sprinted for the door, but Lucifer gestured and it wouldn't budge. The Wizard finally collapsed into a groveling heap.

     "Mortal, you have well and truly f**ked up." Lucifer contemptuously stepped through all the Wizards protections and curiously picked up the scroll. "Hmmm. So, you were trying to summon that berk Quipd. Why?"

     The Wizard bit his lip and groveled harder. "W- W- We were just going to go out and have a few drinks and play some cards," he whined, soiling himself.

     "What!" Lucifer put the mortal into a trance and questioned him. It was true. The Wizard and that idiot Quipd were friends and fellow card cheats. Because he hadn't been called, Lucifer couldn't really damage the mortal, but he smacked the silly bastard around a bit anyway, then departed.

     Michael's dreadful flaming sword scraped free of its scabbard with an awful, eager sound. "So, you filthy little shitestain, you dare to show yourself in the holy precinct?"

     Quipd quaked in terror. This guy was a lot scarier than the boss. "I er... No, your terrifyingness! I just appeared here! Someone called me! Honest I didn't want to come... I was just in me bloody bath!" He closed his three eyes tightly and felt the sword burning on his neck.

     "Tell me your name, fallen."

     "Please sir, me name's Quipd, secretary to the bureau of false hope. I'm no fallen sir. Just an ordinary third class demon!"

     "Quipd?" Michael sheathed his sword. "Perhaps I shall not destroy you right away, Quipd."

     "Oh, thank you, thankyouthankyou ever so much sir!" Quipd looked around at the stunningly beautiful heavenly landscape and wondered if God was about. Perhaps he could make himself useful, then beg or bribe his way out of hell before he got promoted...

     Jane went home and found no sign of her brother. Frowning, she saw the phonebook open to the county government page. Jane picked up the phone and hit redial.

     "County Courthouse."

     "Uhh, I have a question. How do you go about getting married?"

     "Well, you two come in, pay the $65 license fee, show valid forms of identification, and then if you like, you can step into Judge Kinkaids courtroom for a few minutes and blammo you're married! Otherwise you just go to any licensed minister or justice of the peace and show the license."

     Jane's mouth went dry. "That's all? Where is it located?"

     Writing down the address, Jane ran for the door and was almost bowled over by Trent as he came through.

     "Trent! Where's Daria?" Jane sighed in relief.

     "She went home to talk to her mother." Trent scowled. "She decided that we needed to tell them first. That goddamned Judge and his goddamned advice..."

     "You mean you didn't even wait for me?" Jane was hurt.

     "Sorry, Jane." Trent sighed and sat down on the couch. "I don't know what came over me. I'm just burning for Daria. I love her so much, and have for so long... I, I guess that it all just came out at once."

     "Well its all my fault I-"

     Destiny stood before her great book and peered worriedly at a passage as it appeared. This was bad. Important things could be ruined if it was allowed to write itself. Reluctantly Destiny pulled out a big gum eraser and waved it over the book. Jane Lane suddenly found herself utterly incapable of revealing the secret of the Love Gun.

     "Ack... Er I um found a, a, a damn! I can't say it!" Jane was stupefied. She drew the thing and held it out to Trent but he appeared not to see it!

     "Look, Janey, I know what you're trying to say and believe me, we've thought it through. We love each other and that's all in this world that really counts. We both know that you'll stand with us. I just want to thank you for introducing me to Daria." Trent grabbed her and gave her a hug.

     Jane opened her mouth to reply and was interrupted by the screech of rubber as the Jakemobile skidded to a halt in front of the house.

     Trent and Jane stepped out of the house and exchanged apprehensive glances.

     Helen and Jake jumped out of the car and advanced on the Lane residence, blood in their eyes.

     Jane swallowed quickly, shrugged, set her love gun to maximum and zapped them.

     The Morgendorffers faltered, stared at each other, drew together and then came on slowly, hand in hand.

     Trent pasted a sickly smile on his face and prepared himself for a storm.

     Daria pulled up in her old Toyota and ran past them to Trent's side, clinging to him. "Mom! Dad! You listen to me! I LOVE Trent! I've been in love with Trent for YEARS! We're not going to waste another damn second! Get used to it because Trent Lane is my going to be my husband whether you like it or not!"

     Helen and Jake exchanged smoldering lust filled glances and turned impatiently to their daughter and Trent.

     "What do you have to say about that, young man? Can you support my daughter?" Jake looked a little confused, but determined.

     "Yes, I can. Pretty well. The band's doing great and I got that recording deal signed Friday. It looks like I have a shot at the big time. I just want to thank you for your help finding an entertainment lawyer, Helen. That contract was full of booby traps." He turned to Daria. "I love her. Success would be meaningless without her to share it with." His besotted countenance said it all.

     "That's great, Trent! Welcome to the family." Helen grabbed Jake's arm. "Don't get married yet, kids. We'll arrange a proper wedding for sometime next month. You need to get your family back here for it anyway, Trent."

     Jake shrugged and shook Trent's hand. "I'll pay for it all, son. That's the father of the bride's job, you know." He looked at Helen. "I've got to... take care of something now, if you'll excuse us."

     "See you later, kids." Helen winked at Jake.

     "Sure, Jake, Helen. We'll talk later." Trent shrugged and impatiently watched them hurry to the car and leave. Turning away, he wordlessly grabbed up a wild eyed Daria and rushed up the stairs with her, shedding clothes all the way.

     "Oh god, not again!" Jane groaned and sat down to think. Where the hell had this thing come from? It wasn't aliens, because all of the symbols on it were Greek. Jane doubted if it was the government, because if they could do things like that then everyone would be out doing good deeds in their mind controlled little utopia. If it was a corporation, then everyone would be sending all of their money to them. Who was left? Who could render her unable to speak of the love gun and people unable to see it? Was it an impersonal natural force or was someone watching? Jane knew about invisibility now. She looked around apprehensively and shivered.

     That night, Jane lay in bed, her makeshift cottonball earplugs failing to block out the spillover sounds of the fifth straight hour of the Trent and Daria love marathon. Groaning and wrapping the pillow around her head, she decided to be a bit more careful with the love gun in the future. Idly, she wondered how hard it would be to get someone to zap her and Jesse, on a lower setting, of course. With that in mind, she drifted off to sleep.

     School was interesting, to say the least. Trent drove them to school and he and Daria practically had to be pried apart upon arrival.

     Daria seemed to regain her sanity in direct proportion to her proximity to Trent.

     "Jane, what the hell am I wearing and why am I wearing it?" Daria was looking down at her outfit, in shock.

     "You're wearing one of my sister Penny's old outfits. You borrowed it when you noticed that your clothes were all torn up. As to why... I think that the way Trent was looking at you has a lot to do with it." Jane shook her head. She had tried on the boob-tube and miniskirt outfit before, but she had never had the nerve to go outside in it.

     "I look like a late 70's TV hooker, Jane." Daria groaned. "Oh, my god. Speaking of Trent, did I do what I think I did?"

     "You did everything that you could think of, Daria." Jane smirked. "Believe me, from the noise you guys made I'm surprised that you didn't drive the headboard through the wall."

     "I can't believe it." Daria shook her head mournfully.

     Jane felt pity and guilt. Daria was thinking now, and she obviously couldn't understand why-

     "Why the hell did I wait so long? I could have been doing that every night for the past four months. What a terrible waste." Daria sighed.

     Jane rolled her eyes and stopped with Daria in front of her locker.

     "Daria?"

     Daria turned around. Jodie was standing there, looking shocked.

     Daria smirked. "No. I'm her good twin, Maria."

     Jodie actually considered that for a moment before laughing. "What's with the new look?"

     "I'm perky and friendly now, Jodie!" Daria smiled enthusiastically. "I love school! The doctors were right! This brain implant really changed my attitude!"

     "Now you're really scaring me."

     "Okay, I'm actually building a pyramid out of human skulls. I find it easier to entice my victims while dressed this way." Daria's face reverted to its usual cold, emotionless mask.

      "Thank God. I almost believed the one about the implant." Jodie turned to Jane. "What's going on here, Jane? Is Daria on drugs or something?"

     Jane laughed. "She's on something." Jane smirked at Daria, who scowled.

     Sandi and Upchuck were in a clinch against Jane's locker when she went to get her books. Sandi looked ecstatic and Upchuck looked... Good. Totally styled and very, very well dressed.

     Jane stood waiting and wondering what to do. This looked like it could go on for a long time.

     "Ahem."

     No response.

     "Excuse me!" Jane tapped her toe and glared.

     Sandi giggled in a semi-hysterical fashion as Upchuck nibbled on her earlobe.

     Jane sighed and wondered if she could borrow Daria's whistle. Or maybe a fire hose would work better. She caught her breath and braced herself as she saw Quinn and the rest of the fashion club coming up the hall.

     "-completely crazy!" Quinn gestured angrily. "And then they like, almost ran over me to get to their room! I'm afraid that they might be trying to like, replace Daria, or something sick like tha-" Quinn froze in utter horror.

     "EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHH! It's UPCHUCK!" Stacy almost fainted.

     Stacy, Tiffany and Quinn stood gazing in shock at the terrible sight.

     Tiffany started crying. "I like TOLD you guys. She's gone completely crazy! Poor Sandi's got like a- a brain tuber or something!"

     Jane cracked up.

     Upchuck and Sandi clung tightly to each other and glared at the group.

     Upchuck frowned and drew himself up like a Prussian field marshal. "Ladies, I'll thank you not to talk that way about the woman I-"

     "You bitches shut up! You're just jealous because I've finally got a handsome, smart, articulate, rich and cute guy and all you've got is a stack of old Waif magazines!" Sandi glared venomously at the suddenly frightened group. "You three losers stay away from me if you're going to call Chas by that... name!"

     Quinn began delicately. "Chas? Umm, Sandi, if we could just talk in private for a moment-"

     "I have absolutely no secrets from my Chas! If you have something to say, you can say it now!" Sandi glared at them hard enough to cut steel. "Oh don't bother. Just f- Bug off!"

     'Chas' chuckled, urbanely. "Sweetheart, please, go ahead and talk with them. You can't let me come between you and your friends. Don't worry so much, my love. You know that nothing could ever come between us unless we let it." He leaned over, tenderly kissed her and then said in a low tone, "These poor dim girls would be lost without your guidance, sweet Sandi. I'll understand if you want to take some time to sort out their dreary little problems, my dear."

     "Oh, Chas, like, how did I ever get along without you?" Sandi gave him a melting kiss and then jerked her head commandingly at the fashion club. The girls trailed her to the bathroom in a stunned, zombie-like gaggle.

     Jane stood open mouthed and a little nauseated. She wondered what she had so casually unleashed on the world. What if they had kids? Jane tried to picture the offspring of Sandi and Upchuck, combining the worst of their natures in a smooth and debonairly amoral package. "Uh oh, antichrist," Jane whispered to herself.

     Upchuck seemed to snap out of a trance as soon as Sandi was out of sight. Jane braced herself for the usual onslaught.

     "Good morning, Jane. I didn't notice you there." He smiled politely at her.

     "Ah, hi, Up- Charles. I was just trying to get to my locker."

     "Oh. Excuse me." He nodded at the locker behind him. "Is this it?"

     Jane nodded, bemused.

     Upchuck smiled at her again and said, "Allow me." He spun the dial to a number and then smacked the locker door just under the lock with the heel of his hand. The door immediately clattered open. He made a sort of flourishing half bow as he stepped aside.

     "Er, thanks... Chas." Jane took her books from her locker as he drifted off toward his class.

     "You're entirely welcome, Jane. See you in class!"

     "See ya." Jane shook her head. Who would have thought that Upchuck could be tamed? "I've broken the laws of nature. I sure hope the judge is lenient." Jane shuddered.

     During her literature class, Daria kept getting odd looks from O'Neill.

     "You'll each be assigned a book to read over the next week. Your assignment will be to compare and contrast the authors literary style with other styles that you are familiar with. Who can name some of the various styles... Daria?" O'Neill looked at her, expectantly.

     "What?" Daria had been thinking of Trent, wondering how Mystic Spiral was doing at practice. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear the question."

     "You seem a little distracted today, Daria. Is there a problem?" O'Neill looked at her a little worriedly. In the two and a half years that Daria had been his student she had never missed a single question. She was a reassuring presence in the classroom, a fine mind that he used to spark class participation. He had seen her this morning with a boy, a former student he thought. They looked like lovers.

     "No, on the contrary. I just wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry, could you repeat the question please?" Daria was flushing red, embarrassed.

     The bell rang and Daria escaped. She went to lunch and sat down at her usual spot. Jane soon joined her along with Jodie, and Brittany. They had taken to eating lunch together during the last few months, when their boyfriends were placed on different schedules.

     The girls were just settling down when Trent walked into the room bearing pizza. Daria gasped, wordlessly abandoned her friends and ran to him. The two went to an empty table, embraced and began to make a spectacle of themselves by feeding each other pizza. Somehow they managed to make eating look unbearably erotic.

     Brittany looked shocked and twisted her hair. "Daria's in love! I never thought she could fall in love!""

     "Who IS that? Isn't he that singer? I can't think of his name..." Jodie was amazed. She hadn't had any idea that Daria had a boyfriend, let alone one who looked like that. "I could eat that up with a spoon!"

     Jane sighed and finally answered them. "That's Trent, my brother. He's Daria's fiancé."

     "Fiancé?" Brittany twisted her hair. "How long have they been... together?"

     "Two years," said Jane, truthfully.

     Jodie gasped in shock. "You think you know someone..." Her eyes widened as Daria sucked pizza sauce off of his finger.

     "Eeep! God, Jane, when's the wedding?" Brittany was joking but it fascinated her to see that even a cold hearted brain like Daria had a soft side and would show it for the right guy. It suddenly occurred to her that Daria had been with this guy for as long as Brittany had known her. "Wow, its all sooo weird."

     Unable to resist, Jane dropped her bomb. "The wedding's sometime next month. It all depends on when we can get the family to show up."

     Brittany and Jodie stared at her in shock.

     "You mean... really married?" Jodie felt like she had wandered into the Twilight Zone.

     "Uh huh." Jane examined her fingernails.

     Brittany looked at Daria and started laughing. "They're even worse than Kevie and me!"

     Jodie suddenly looked worried. "She isn't... pregnant or anything, is she?"

     "Not as of Friday morning." Jane looked over at them, darkly. "We can only hope."

     DeMartino was delighted to see Trent Lane. It wasn't often that a former victim ventured back within his grasp. His jaw dropped when he drew up in parallel with the two and he finally recognized Daria. He growled to himself. She was way to good for a slacker like Trent. Approaching fast, he timed his bellow to maximum advantage.

     "Mr. LANE! To WHAT do we OWE the PLEASURE of your COMPANY?" He popped his eye out pugnaciously.

     Daria jumped and almost dropped her pizza.

     Trent laughed. "I guess I just missed you, Mr. DeMartino." He was suddenly surprised to realize that it was true.

     DeMartino heard the truth in Trent's words and was totally disarmed. "Ha-Hmm. I suppose that Ms. Morgendorffer here is just a roadside attraction on your little journey down memory lane?"

     Trent smiled at Daria then looked back at DeMartino. "I was just having lunch with my fiancée, Mr. DeMartino. We're going to set a date soon."

     "Fiancée? Don't you think it's a little early in life for you two to... Never mind." A flash of bitterness flickered across DeMartino's expression. "I'm not qualified to give advice in that area." He shrugged. "Congratulations, Mr. Lane, Daria."

     Daria thanked him, a little embarrassed.

     "Hey, call me Trent. Sit down, have a slice." He smiled at his former tormenter. Trent had often replayed their conversations over in his mind and he still occasionally burst out laughing as he unearthed a new nugget of blackly humorous sarcasm hidden in one of DeMartino's classroom soliloquies. Trent just hadn't been sophisticated enough to realize how screamingly funny the man could be, back when he was in high school.

     "Alright, Trent. You may refer to me as 'Tony' if you wish to refer to me at all. What have you been doing with your life since you escaped these hallowed halls?" DeMartino sat down and took the pizza slice that Trent proffered.

     "Well Tony, I put a band together and slacked along for a couple of years learning how to play. I went to LA, learned a few things and now my band has a juicy contract with Avrista. If the stars align themselves right, then by the time Daria graduates from college I'll be a rich man. If not, well I guess it's college time for me to!"

     DeMartino laughed. "I always knew you'd make good, Trent."

     Trent looked surprised. "Really?"

     "Of course. You're one of the few people in the world who know what they want early enough in life to go out and get it." DeMartino smiled at Daria. "You have a knack for not letting other people tell you what should be important to you."

     Trent digested this for a second. "What about you Tony? How's life treating you?"

     "The students, with notable exceptions," DeMartino smiled at Daria," get dumber and the paycheck gets a little smaller every year." The sound of a fight came to them and the cafeteria emptied. He stood. "Well, duty calls, Trent. See you around." DeMartino left.

     Jane walked up and grabbed a pizza slice. "You didn't get busted, did you?"

     Daria laughed. "Trent and his old pal 'Tony' were just catching up."

     Trent looked a little bit sad. "So he never got together with Ms. Defoe then. That's too bad. They used to... I used to think about those two a lot when we were still stealing glances and avoiding eye contact, Daria."

     Daria looked around for teachers and then kissed Trent soundly. "I know what you mean. Sometimes you just have to make a move, Trent. They probably never will."

     Jane's eyes widened as a hundred little clues fell into place. "Don't bet on it, Daria." Ignored by her brother and his fiancée, she went to spy on DeMartino and Claire Defoe.

     Jane ran out to the scene of the fight, but DeMartino was no where in sight. Evan was down, being twisted into a pretzel by his former friend, Jerry.

     "So, man, are you ready to answer my question yet?" Jerry laughed and viciously twisted his arm.

     "Eat sh- Ghaa!"

     Jerry punched him in the head. "The question was, after you dressed up like a fairy, did you get any? Answer or suffer, stupid."

     Evan was suffering, but just spat on Jerry in reply.

     Jerry flushed red and grated out in a low tone, "Alright, punk, now I'm gonna break your arm. And you know what? It'll be your fault because you threw the first punch. Besides, who's going to listen to some green haired, devil worshiping punk like you?"

     Jerry had Evan in such a commanding hold that he could do as he pleased. Unfortunately for him, he couldn't let go.

     "I think you should let him go now, Jerky." Andrea had come to the front of the crowd and stood directly in front of Jerry.

     "Well! If it isn't Druidella DeVille herself! So Druidella, did Evan get anything in exchange for becoming one of you freaks?"

     Evan struggled and shrieked as Jerry torqued his arm to the breaking point.

     Andrea blanched. "That's it for you then, sunshine." She slowly drew back her boot and the iron hobnails in the sole drew sparks from the pavement.

     Jerry suddenly noticed her boots. They were the kind of boots that you marched into Poland with, a kind that hadn't been made in ninety years. Thick oxhide leather, hobnails and steel toecaps on the outside made them deadly weapons in their own right. The next thing he noticed was the stars, out very early. Then the king of the munchkins...

     Evan scrambled free of the unconscious wrestler and took Andreas hand.

     Gripping him tightly she glared around at the now silent mob.

     "Does any one else have a question?"

     No one did.

     "Well good. I have an answer for you anyway. Evan is mine. MINE! Touch him, hurt him in any way EVER and you'll answer to ME." She glared menacingly at the thoroughly cowed crowd and then led a beet red Evan away, toward the parking lot.

     They brushed by Jane and on impulse she pushed her invisibility button and walked along with them, eavesdropping on their conversation.

     "Thanks for saving my arm, Andrea." Evan looked pleased and embarrassed. "No one ever fought for me before."

     "Salright."

     "Did you really mean what you said?"

     "I always mean what I say."

     "Then I'm yours?"

     Andrea shrugged and nodded slightly.

     "I love you, Andrea. Will you be mine?"

     Andrea gasped, stumbled, caught herself and said, "Sure. Lets go."

     They reached the parking lot and stopped by Andrea's bike.

     "Where are we going, Babe?"

     "New York. I've got a lot of friends there. And don't call me by pet names. I'm Andrea and you're Evan."

     "Oh. Umm, isn't New York a hell of a long way?"

     Andrea shrugged again. "It'll take us at least a week."

     "When are we going?"

     "Now, Evan." Andrea started her big BMW touring motorcycle. "Get on or say goodbye."

     Evan got on. "What do we use for money?"

     "I'm an heiress, Evan. You'll never have to worry about money again."

     Evan shrugged and kissed her neck. "I'm a rich trust fund kid too, but I can't get at the money for seven more years."

     "Just forget about it," said Andrea impatiently. "You can have as much of mine as you want." Andrea looked right at Jane. "Bye, Jane. And thanks for everything."

     As Jane stood, shocked, Evan asked, "Who were you talking to? Hey! There IS someone there! Who... what is that?"

     The last thing Jane ever heard Andrea say was: "A local... personage. She did me a huge favor, once." They roared out of Lawndale forever.

     Fate, Lady Luck and Buddha were arguing.

     "So, fatso, if it wasn't you then who?" Lady Luck was ranting again. "It wasn't me, and Destiny can't lie without screwing up the works, so who does that leave? Lady Luck and Buddha stared suspiciously at Fate.

     Fate grimaced at them. She hadn't done anything! "Well it wasn't me either! Andrea was going to fight with Evan, finish her pizza and then suicide by running that thing she rides into a bridge abutment. Then she would have spent the next sixteen hundred years in hell. Evan was going to break his neck jumping over a hurdle at the track meet next Tuesday. He would have become a quadriplegic, and committed suicide on his birthday two years later by rolling himself out in subzero weather and dying of exposure. He would have had the pit next to Andrea, and they wouldn't have gotten out until they fell in love again."

     Lady Luck's eyes widened. "Again?"

     Buddha looked embarrassed. "They've been lovers since the Old Stone Age. It's so irritating. They're both more than ready to move on, but they keep coming back for one more lifetime together. That shit-heel down below keeps trying to snare them, and this is their narrowest escape ever."

     "Malingerers eh? It wasn't their escape! Who-" Lady Luck broke off and rolled her eyes in contempt as the angel of death, Azrael, strode up.

     "Hail, my friends. Be easy, for it is not yet thy time."

     "Yeah, yeah. Were all immortals here, dummy. It'll never be our time." Fate shook her head sadly. So pretty, yet so dumb.

     "Everyone has a time. I couldn't help but overhear what you said earlier, Fate. Know ye worthy immortals, that I had no appointment with either of them for eighty six and eighty seven years respectively." He bowed, said, "Fare ye well." and faded away.

     "Well that's torn it," said Buddha, looking worried. "Something is really out of whack."

     "Ugh. That guy gives me the creeps," said Lady Luck.

     "Shhh! He can hear you!" Fate looked around suspiciously.

     "Must be the Tetragrammaton taking a hand again." Buddha sighed. "I wish HE would reign it in."

     "Whazzat?" Lady Luck was feeling the call. There was a hot poker game in Jackpot. A lone Serb jet desperately tried to escape a dogfight, high over Yugoslavia. A North Korean spy sat trapped in a small infiltration submarine as it slowly filled with water in the center of Tokyo bay. An elderly armadillo was crossing a Texas road. A million other things were happening that required her presence.

     "The Word of the creator. Sometimes it roams free." Buddha spoke quickly, as Lady Luck was fading away.

     "Oh..." She was gone.

     "Rude, that." Fate yawned and nodded at Buddha. "Bye, fatso." She disappeared with a pop.

     "I wish that they wouldn't call me that. It's so... unprofessional." Buddha grew until his presence was again undetectable in any one place.

     A very rattled Jane lurked invisibly in the doorway of the teachers lounge. She was taking no chances and was being as quiet as possible. Jane watched Defoe and DeMartino casting glances at each other when each thought that no one was looking. Barch looked on sourly and Morris just rolled her eyes and ignored it.

     "Daria and Trent Lane?" Morris laughed.

     O'Neill looked worried. "She's just eighteen! Do you think she's in...trouble? He's a musician of some kind now, isn't he?"

     DeMartino tore his eyes away from Defoe and spoke up. "I had a word with him today. He's doing well at his chosen profession and seems to care for the girl. She seems happy for the first time since I've known her. I doubt if she's pregnant, just head over heels."

     "Damn!" Barch screeched. "That... MALE has probably debauched her and now he'll get his brand on her and put her to work. Musician my ass! He'll sit and watch those damn Broncos while his sweet and innocent young bride works her ass off to keep him in imported beer and cable TV! Then one day after years of faithful slavery she'll come home early and find out that he's got a little teenaged girlfriend that visits every day while she's at work..." Barch subsided into angry muttering.

     "God, I hope I'm retired by the time their kids reach high school age." Morris was serious.

     When the conversation ebbed, Defoe went to refill her coffee. As she stood next to DeMartino, Jane drew her weapon, set it on half power, twirled it around her finger cowboy fashion and zapped them.

     DeMartino stiffened, his mouth worked like a goldfish's and then he stood. Defoe faced him, blinked several times and then smiled brilliantly at him.

     DeMartino fidgeted for a few seconds then drew himself up to his full height. "Ms. Defoe, I was wondering if you might possibly deign to accompany me to dinner tonight?"

     Claire looked surprised and happy. "Why certainly, Mr. DeMartino!"

     Morris and O'Neill looked shocked. Barch looked ill and opened her mouth, but O'Neill frowned at her and she grudgingly shut up.

     Jane walked out of the room and strolled down to the boy's locker room where she spent the next few hours making sketches. "I always wanted to paint some nudes," she said to herself, smiling wickedly.

     Cupid flapped his wings and puffed. He needed to get far enough away from hell for his powers to work. He finally achieved enough altitude to open a gate. Stepping through, he emerged in the boiler room of Holiday High. "Home sweet home." He remarked to himself.

     "Where have ye been ya great buffoon? Everybody's been lookin' for you!" Paddy, the spirit of St. Patrick's day, once known as Dionysus, rose up from a cot where he had been sleeping off his hangover.

     "You wouldn't believe it, dude. I was in hell you see and-"

     "Well, unless ye want tae go back, ye'd better find that tazer, me friend. The Archangel Michael himself was rushin' about here lookin' for ya." Paddy scowled. "That nasty little demon he has for a secretary kept callin' me 'Lucky!"

     "Well maybe he thinks you're magically delicious or somethin', dude." Cupid wrinkled his forehead. "I don't think I left it in hell, so it must be in Lawndale."

     "Ach, no! Not there again! We could be losin' all this!" Paddy waved his hand around the unprepossessing room, but he meant Holiday High and the beautiful beach that surrounded it.

     "Yeah. A complete mortal could never get the tazer of love to fire. It must be that Trent dude or one of the chicks." Cupid shook his head. "Dammit, that Angel will screw things up for us big time, if we let him."

     "Let him! Did'ja no see tha great bloody sword the fancy-boy was carryn'?" Paddy looked distressed.

     "I guess we'll have to go get it before he figures it out, Paddy." Cupid looked hopefully at Paddy.

     "Ach, what the hell. Let's go." Paddy farted hugely and they left in a hurry.

     Jane was walking down the sidewalk, pissed. Trent had picked Daria up from school and sped away, not even noticing Jane standing there. She had gaped after them and then hurriedly checked the love gun, but she was visible. He either hadn't seen her or hadn't cared.

     "Wait!"

     Jane looked back, saw Cupid and Paddy running after her and took off like a bullet.

     They shouted and gave chase, but she easily outdistanced them.

     "Dammit, woman, would'je no wait a bloody minute?" Paddy halted, vomited heroically, then collapsed.

     Cupid stopped and took off, hovering next to Paddy, just outside of splatter range. "Hey, little dude, are you alright?"

     Jane looked back over her shoulder and halted in her tracks. A flying man? With wings yet? She stared at the two figures, a little leprechaun-like midget in a green Hawaiian shirt and a great big blonde cherub in a diaper...

     Suddenly Jane remembered the Holidays. She looked at the love gun and flushed. "Oh my god, what the hell is going on? Am I crazy?"

     Jane jogged over to the two odd figures. "Cupid? Paddy? Have I finally lost my mind? Ugh Paddy, that's sooo disgusting, what the hell have you been drinking?"

     "Nothin' a' tall, Jane me dear. I'm always hung over in the morning." Paddy groaned and stood up. "Don't worry about it. I'm all right, but we have to talk to ye, Jane."

     "I suppose you want this back?" She pulled the tazer and handed it to Cupid.

     "Hey, thanks. I gotta know, who all did you like, zap?" Cupid spun his tazer, did a couple of border shifts and then holstered it like Wyatt Earp.

     Jane blinked at his gunfighter moves and then listed her victims.

     Cupid shrugged. "You didn't do very many. That's cool." He took out a little spiral pad and began flipping through the pages. His hand blurred and he flipped through about fifty thousand pages, halting occasionally. When he finished he looked up and grinned at her. "Like, good job, Jane. Everyone was on the list. You just got couple early is all, but it'll turn out alright."

     Jane looked a little less worried. "What if I made a mistake?"

     Cupid laughed. "You really couldn't. It doesn't work if there's not something there or if the lovers aren't right for each other. That's why I quit using the bow. I used to make way to many mistakes."

     "So what now, will I forget you guys again?" Jane kind of wanted to.

     Cupid just shrugged. "Don't know."

     Paddy looked a little sheepish and launched into a long involved explanation that Jane didn't understand.

     Jane frowned, puzzled. "So you're saying that we created Holiday Island? Where were you guys before?"

     "There was this like, really crappy little amphitheater left over from classical times. We used to sit in the seats and throw things at each other." Cupid smiled at her. "We love the island, the restaurant, the great surfing on the white sand beaches, and Holiday High is great. We have the coolest pantheon around now. Thanks, Jane."

     Jane was flattered. "Why did we forget?"

     "The angel made you forget, Jane." Paddy filled her in on Michael. "We couldn't help ya Jane. He's a great fancy-boy angel with a flamin' sword an' all." Paddy scowled. "The bastard lets his pet demon call me Lucky!"

     "So that's what's going on then." Jane nodded thoughtfully. "A divinity infection. That explains a few weird things that have happened over the last year."

     "What happened?" Cupid was looking at her closely and he thought he knew.

     "Well, Trent turned into a crowd pleaser almost overnight. I swear he could do better as a male stripper. Daria... well Daria's just incredible. She looks like a centerfold now and I also seem to have overdeveloped a bit." Jane blushed, a little embarrassed by the frankly admiring way that the leprechaun was inspecting her. "Some of my paintings... well they look real! They almost seem like they're going to move as you look at them. I'm not complaining though, they sell real fast now."

     Struck by a sudden thought Jane looked up at the two Holidays. "Does this mean that I'm immortal now, like you guys?"

     Cupid cleared his throat. "Well, Jane, the trick to being immortal is to avoid living. You live, therefore you can't really be immortal. I'm no expert, but I'll bet that you three have a really, really long run though."

     "But you guys are alive..." Jane frowned thoughtfully.

     Paddy shrugged. "Not really. Ye see lass, every second that goes by in the world is a second of your life. Right now though since you're with us you're in our little bubble of unreality. Between each solid rational tick of the clock there's an infinity of irrational half ticks of time which ye canna really live in but you can endure in. That's where we exist. We're called immortals lass, but the truth is that we're not really alive at all. We can't grow, we can't really love or live. What we are is a sort of supernatural janitorial service."

     Cupid nodded. "You mortals are a lot better off, Jane." He gestured at the tazer. "If you keep using this thing you lose the power to love. I know about love, it's a million times better than anything we get."

     "Oh. Bummer." Jane looked at them sadly. "Don't you guys ever feel... bad about it?"

     "Maybe 'tis not quite so cut and dried as I made it all seem, Jane. We do alright. We get all the cable channels now and I'm learning to surf the web ye know." Paddy smiled at her. It had been a very long time since a mortal had felt sorry for him. He decided that she would have some happy booze-ups when she hit twenty one. No hangovers for Jane, ever.

     "That's good." Jane smiled back at the two. "Now that the tazer's gone can I tell Daria about all this stuff?"

     "Not our department, Jane. If you couldn't speak of it before, then Destiny must have decreed it so." Paddy frowned. That meant that things had almost gotten out of hand.

     They talked about it all for a while and then Jane walked with them to the portal behind the Good Times Chinese restaurant. The two strange figures shook her hand, wrote out their email addresses, and then Paddy stepped through.

     As Cupid moved to follow, Jane stopped him. "Can you do me a favor, Cupid?" Jane was embarrassed, but determined.

     "Anything within my power, Jane." He took her by the shoulders and smiled at her.

     "I've been going out with this guy, Jesse Moreno, and there's just no spark left! Could you give us a good zap next Saturday?"

     Cupid rapidly consulted his book, did an astonished double-take and then guffawed. Laughing so hard that he could barely walk, he shook his head no, waved goodbye at her and then said, "Don't worry about love, Jane. You do alright." He stumbled through the portal, still laughing.