Relatively True

by J

Disclaimer: "Daria" is © and ® MTV, a division of Viacom Entertainment. Daria and all her cohorts (except for the Kinsingtons) were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. The Kinsingtons were created and are © J. Use of the Kinsingtons without the permission of the author for the purpose of turning a profit is prohibited. I would suggest you didn't, because...Trust me, you don't want to know

Also also, if you have any comments, questions, or you just want to tell me I suck, e-mail me at:


"You're Standing On My Neck" begins to play, but the title sequence will be as follows:

It is night. Camera sweeps over a rooftop. Stop on Mara, who nods her head and says: "All right. If we're gonna do it." She turns her head to the right and continues: "Let's do the bloody thing right." Music begins now.

Mack and Damien are in Shakespearian costumes. Mack has his head shaved. He looks absolutely PISSED. He grabs Damien and pushes him into a rectangular pool of water at the front of the stage.

Daria and Darren are standing in what looks like a fast food kitchen. They are wearing rather embarrassing uniforms that have the American Flag design on them. There is an older man standing between them. He grabs his head and falls over backward. Daria and Darren look at him, look at each other, and shrug.

We see O'Neill standing, in the auditorium, next to a middle aged woman. Suddenly, Damien runs into the shot and tackles her.

Darkness. Then some stage lights turn on. Mystik Spiral is standing on a very large stage, instruments ready. Trent has his back turned to the camera. The rest of the band looks scared $#!7less. Trent turns around and gets the same expression on his face. The camera pans to behind him. Showing Mystik spiral standing in front of a VERY large crowd.

Mara is sitting in a conference room. She looks bored as all hell. She then pulls out a book called: Vaseline, gasoline, and five hundred other ways to make plastic explosives.

Miranda is standing on stage at a school dance of some kind. She is playing a guitar. In the background, Darren is playing bass, Damien is playing drums, and a slightly older version of the brothers Kinsington is on the other guitar. Darren is wearing a dress shirt, unbuttoned, a white t-shirt underneath, black slacks, and black Doc Martins. Damien is shirtless. Miranda is wearing a white pixie dress and her hair is done in a set of tight braids, each braid colour alternating red and purple. She is playing what looks like a very complicated solo. Trent is staring at her in awe.

Daria and Jane are in the theatre. Daria is wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. Jane is dressed as she usually is. Upchuck is accosting the girls. Miranda grabs him and pulls him off camera. Daria and Jane look in their direction, then exchange looks of nausea.

Our heroes are standing in front of a bulletin board reading a notice. Camera moves down the line. Daria looks impassive, Jane looks shocked, Damien has a scowl, Darren looks angry, Miranda looks absolutely pissed. She is breathing heavily, gnashing her teeth, and her left eye is twitching. She closes her eyes and screams something.

Jodie is standing in front of Mr DeMartino's class, giving a presentation. She puts her left hand to her forehead and continues. She puts her hand to her forehead again. A couple beats later, she collapses.

The cast is in what looks like a big city. Jane is struggling against Daria, Darren, and Miranda, who are trying to hold her back. Jane breaks free and runs up the steps into a large building. Darren and Miranda look at each other

Stacy is running down the halls of Lawndale High. Sandi is running after her wielding a blood stained Chainsaw.

Close up on Daria, who smirks as the Daria Logo comes up over a yellow background.

Daria in:

Continued from when we last left off. (And no, I won't recap for you)

Fade In:

We see Stacy standing where we last left her. She is hyperventilating

Darren: You OK?

Although still in shock, Stacy nods

Darren: So, will you do it?

Stacy: I don't know. Can I ask Sandi first?

Darren winces. He knows what Sandi would say

Darren: Why? What does she have to do with this

Stacy: Well, she's, like, my best friend. And I know that she really wanted the part, and...

Darren gets a look of pity

Darren: Does she have that big a hold over you?

Stacy: (confused) Um...what does hairspray have to do with this?

Darren winces again

Darren: Don't worry about Sandi, We'll deal with her

Stacy: Um...okay. But I'm still gonna ask...

Darren closes his eyes and sighs. He knows that this conversation is going nowhere

Miranda: Erm...Hey Darren, You mind if I try to talk to her?

Darren: (deadpans) Be my guest

Scene: Girls Bathroom

Miranda and Stacy enter.

Miranda: Now, I know how you consider Sandi to be your best friend...

Stacy: Yeah! I mean, she's so nice. Especially to Quinn, who came here last, and...

Miranda: Um...Stacy? That's an act

Stacy: (confused) What?

Miranda: It's an act. Sandi and Quinn hate each other

Stacy: (Disbelieving) No they don't

Miranda: (sighs) Look, they may appear that way in public, but trust me. They'd be nowhere as civil if they were alone

Stacy looks confused and slightly offended that Miranda would talk about them like that

Stacy: You mean she lied to me?!

Miranda: Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but...

Stacy: (shaking her head. She's in tears) No! Sandi's not like that. Why would she pretend to like someone that she hates?

Miranda: (backing off a bit) This is just how I see it.

Stacy covers her ears and squeezes her eyes shut


Miranda: Why do you like someone who doesn't show an ounce of respect to you?

Stacy's anger starts to boil over

Miranda: I mean, think about it. She doesn't show you any semblance of friendship, so why the hell do you still treat her like the queen of the [censored] planet

Stacy's anger finally releases itself. She slaps Miranda, who turns her head to the side. She rubs her cheek and looks back at Stacy.

Miranda: (to herself) Ok. Change of tactics (out loud) Look. I'm not asking you to agree to this right now. Just...This is your decision. Sandi should have nothing to do with this. I'll let you decide

Miranda goes to leave. Stacy gets a thinking look to her. She then turns to Miranda

Stacy: Um... What's your name?

Miranda: Miranda. Miranda Juliet Kinsington

Stacy: Can Sandi, like, not know about this

Miranda smirks a little

Miranda: If you don't want to tell her, she won't know until it's too late

Stacy muses over this. Then, resigned, she nods her head

Stacy: Ok. (softer) ok. I'll do it

Miranda smirks again and exits.

CUT TO: outside the bathroom

Darren is sitting, indian style, against a row of lockers. He looks up at Miranda, as she comes out. He focuses on her cheek, which is still a bit red

Darren: Well?

Miranda sighs

Miranda: Let the deprogramming begin

Scene: O'Neill's classroom.

O'Neill is sitting at his desk, having a little talk with Kolinski

Music: "Big Pimpin" by Jay-Z (Just the intro. I wouldn't torture you by making you listen to his ramblings about what he does in his free time)

O'Neill: Diane, I'm rather disturbed that you made that cast change without consulting me.

Kolinski: (firmly) Well, If you had more control over your students, this may not have been an issue

O'Neill: But that poor Quinn. She must be having a really hard time with this

CUT TO: The girl's room

The fashion club is standing in front of the mirror, preening themselves

Music: "Stupified" by Disturbed

Quinn: (As her usual bubbly self) So, then they kicked me off that stupid play. Good thing. It's not like I want to have people see me in that ugly Roman dress, or whatever

Sandi I agree, Quinn. That play was not up to our standards

Quinn: Exactly!

Sandi: But, Since this is a public event, I would be remiss no other members of the Fashion Club participated. Therefore, I shall force myself to sign up when they redo the auditions

Stacy: (quietly) eep!

They all turn to Stacy, who has her hands over her mouth.

Sandi: (chiding) Stay-cee, Maybe you should do something to correct that Turrets syndrome, or whatever

Stacy: Um...sorry

Sandi gets a look of confidence. She turns to Stacy

Sandi: By the way, I hope you remember that it's your turn to host the Fashion Club meeting tonight

Stacy looks REALLY scared now

Stacy: Um...I can't

The rest of the Fashion Club look shocked

Sandi: And why not? Is there something that could possibly be more important than your only true friends?

Stacy: (wincing. obviously trying to get the courage to lie to Sandi) No, it's just...There's this friend of the family thing. My mother's making me go

Sandi: Oh. Well, then I guess we'll have it at my house

Stacy breathes a sigh of relief

CUT BACK TO: O'Neill's room

O'Neill: You know, Diane, When I was in high school, I was pretty headstrong myself.

Kolinski rolls her eyes

O'Neill: (continuing) But, In time, I learned that you need others to help you do the job, after all "Many hands...make for light work"

Kolinkski rolls her eyes, then checks her watch

Kolinski: Speaking of others, I want to get to rehearsal early.

O'Neill looks at the clock

O'Neill: Oh, dear! Is it almost time already?

Scene: The Theatre

Darren is making an inventory of the tool cabinet. Damien, and Daria are on stage

Music: "I'm With Stupid" by Static X

Damien: (Snaching a white handkerchief) Why? What's that to you?

Daria: (completely deadpan) If it be not for some purpose of import,
Give't me again: poor lady, she'll run mad
When she shall lack it

O'Neill: Um...

Damien: Be not acknowledged.

Damien looks over to Miranda, who's telling him to stop. Damien acknowledges her

O'Neill: Um...Good, Daria, But next time, lets be a little bit...emotional

Stacy walks on camera next to Kolinski

Kolinski: Aah, you made it. cool (To The people on the stage) Ok, guys? Let's pick this up later. I want Stacy here to get in some rehearsal time

Kolinski leaves, Camera pans right to show Stacy and Upchuck standing next to each other. Stacy winces in disgust. Upchuck is his normal (if you can call it that) self

Upchuck: Mmm, Someone has been reading my dreams.

Stacy continues to wince. Darren comes up behind them

Upchuck: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure there'll be plenty of times for you to warm up to me backstage. Let me...

He is interrupted by a high pitched humming sound. Upchuck gets a scared shitless look to him as he yelps at the sound and runs offcamera We see Darren was standing behind him, holding a Makita (screwgun) at about the level of Upchuck's head.

Girl: (offcamera) Ugh! Get off me, you pervert!

Upchuck growls. Darren looks at Upchuck, who yelps again

Stacy: Uh...thanks?

Darren just shrugs. Camera cuts to Damien, who's sitting with Miranda on the edge of the stage. They are both going over translations of the play into ASL

Damien: (talking about Darren) Hmm, little love interest going on? (grins)

Miranda: Not bloody likely. (beat) Hey, you know our brother

Damien smirks and takes a drink from his water bottle. Miranda points to it. Damien passes it to her, where she takes a drink and sets it between them. Camera cuts to Daria as Mack comes up next to her

Mack: Hey, have you seen Damien around?

Daria: (completely deadpan)Yeah, he's over there, sharing fluids with his sister

Mack chuckles and exits. Camera stays on Kevin, who was standing behind them. He looks absolutely shocked

Scene: Lawndale High hallway

Mack is standing at his locker, getting his books. A rather eccentric Kevin is standing beside him

Music: "Jackass" by Green Day

Kevin: But, Mack Daddy!

Mack: (Annoyed) Kevin, I'm sure you just misunderstood Daria's comment

Kevin: No way, dude! She said they were "sharing fluids!" (disgusted look) I mean, that's pretty twisted. I know what she meant by that. I'm not that stupid when it comes to stuff like this

Mack: As opposed to most of the time?

Kevin: (Not getting it) Uh...yeah!

Mack tries not to laugh as he exits

Mack: See ya

Camera follows Mack as the three J's run up to him

Joey: Hey, did you hear about the Kinsingtons?

Mack groans and puts his face in his hands

Jeffy: Yeah, we heard it from Kevin.

Mack rolls his eyes and walks off camera

Joey: Hey, where ya goin?

Mack: (offcamera) To go warn someone

Scene: School Hallway

Damien, Darren, Daria and Miranda are standing against a brick wall, looking angry. Mack walks up

Music: Mack: Uh...I just thought you might want to...

Darren: (coldly) We know

Mack: But do you know who did it?

Damien: We gathered

Darren: (to Daria) You do realise that we're holding you personally responsible for this

Daria: (Mildly offended) Hey! What did I do?

Damien: Made that remark within earshot of Kevin (Turns back to the group) Options?

Darren: A good maiming? (beat) Hell, we thought about it last time

Miranda: Nah, he's the star quarterback. I think Ms. Li'll notice

Daria: Thought about what?

Miranda sighs

Miranda: It's a long story...

Flashback: Four years ago

We see two sixteen year old girls. One (Miranda) has long brown hair (like, down to the small of her back long) tied back into a ponytail. She is wearing baggy carpenter jeans and a baggy blue t-shirt. The other girl (her identical twin, Michelle) has shorter, shoulder length brown hair, round glasses, and is wearing black slacks and a rather tight, olive drab t-shirt. They are both sitting at a table in the Kenesha high school cafeteria.

Miranda: (In a slightly thicker accent than she has now)...So then, 'e says about Damien: "Well, 'e's British, so he must know what he's talking about"

Michelle laughs

Michelle: (in a slightly higher voice) Sounds perfectly logical. (looks at her watch) Ooh, I gotta go. (points to her food) You wanna finish this up?

Miranda shrugs. Michelle smiles and leaves. A couple seconds later, a rather *cute* guy (As Quinn would put it) Walks past Miranda's table

Guy: (slightly nervous) Uh...hey Miranda. Uh...that's a lot of food there

Miranda: (dryly, without looking up) Oh, yeah. I'm eating for two today

Miranda pauses for a second, then face faults. She looks in the guy's direction.

Miranda: Wait! I...

too late

Guy: (offscreen) Hey Everyone! Guess what!

Miranda face faults again

Back to the present...

Miranda: (muttering) Stupid little...

Daria: So, our school isn't the only one with people like Kevin

Darren: Sorry to break it to ya. (back to the group) Well, what do we do?

Damien: Maiming?

Darren: Logical convincing?

Daria: .357 magnum to the temples?

Damien: (smirking) Now there's an idea

Darren: Well, We'll have to think of something

They see a female student walk by. The student briefly looks at them, then quickly averts her eyes.

Daria: Let me guess, something to embarass those responsible?

Darren: You know the family


Music: "Unforgiven" by Creed

We see:

Damien and Darren are sitting at lunch. Behind them, we see several football players throwing food at them and making rather rude gestures

Daria, Jane (whoa! Never thought she'd make an appearance in this, did ya?) and Tom are sitting in Pizza King. Miranda comes up to their booth. A couple kids walk past, giving Miranda some dirty looks

Daria and Miranda are walking down Lawndale high. A kid comes up to taunt Miranda. Cut to Miranda stuffing said kid into a garbage can

Darren and Damien are being yelled at by a kid who is constantly pointing to a copy of the Bible. The two just stand there rolling their eyes

Downtown Lawndale. Damien sees Kevin staring at at Ashley-Amber Taylor. Damien smirks and write something in a notebook

The Kinsingtons pass by Ms Li's office. Ms Li gives them a rather disgusted look

Damien is laying on his bed, late at night, reading How To Change Anyone's Opinion About Anything. He starts to highlight various passages

End Montage

Scene: Ms. Manson's office

Damien and Miranda are sitting at Ms. Manson's desk, looking completely bored. Ms. Li is standing behind Ms. Manson

Li: (to Damien and Miranda) Now, as you know, there have been some… distasteful stories circulating around about your family. (shudders.) I would be remiss in my duties as an educator if I did not try to get to the bottom if this. So, if you will, please cooperate with Mrs. Manson. She is the best-qualified to deal with your (she purses her lips in disgust) unique situation.

Miranda: Um, right.

Li: That is all! Good day!

Ms. Li leaves

Manson: All right, well, I suppose that you two know why you’ve been sent here today.

Damien: (signing to Miranda) Why do I feel like I'm about to lose all respect for the APA?

Miranda stifles a smirk, then nods.

Manson: What did he say?

Miranda: (Talking and signing at the same time) Damien just said that he doesn't understand why we were brought here.

Manson: (wide-eyed) Well, you see, the situation that the two of you are in is rather… taboo in this country.

Damien: (signing, Miranda translating) Which situation? Being deaf? Or being British?

Manson: Er, no. Ms. Li was referring to the stories that the two of you have been practicing, um, incest.

Miranda: (ironic) Wherever would you get an idea like that?

Manson: (misses the sarcasm) I believe that it first came to our attention when a student overheard another student’s comment about the two of you “sharing fluids.”

Damien pulls a water bottle out of his backpack and takes a drink.

Miranda: Thirdhand. And you got incest from that?

Miranda motions Damien for the water bottle. Damien hands it over. Miranda drinks, pointedly looking at Mrs. Manson.

Manson: Now, I understand that this is a sensitive subject, but we really are only concerned for your well-being. Behavior like this just isn’t normal, and it isn’t healthy.

Damien takes the water back from Miranda and drinks, also looking pointedly at Manson.

Damien: (as before, with Miranda translating) Well, we do share fluids. I suppose you're worried about germs?

Manson: (irked) Well, yes, but I was referring to your mental health.

Miranda takes the water bottle and drinks again. The water is almost gone by now.

Miranda: (to Damien) I suppose she's right. We'd both probably be a lot happier if we each brought our own bottles of water. She hands the water bottle to Damien, who finishes it off. He sets the bottle down on Mrs. Manson’s desk with a bang. Manson jumps.

Manson: (confused) Water? (Mutters to herself) I don’t want to know. (To the Kinsingtons) Do your parents know about what's going on?

Miranda and Damien look at each other.

Damien: (to Miranda, who does not translate) This would be a lot easier if she was just a little bit smarter.

Miranda: Mrs. Manson, Damien and I have been sitting here sharing fluids right here in front of you.

Manson leaps up from her desk to get a better look at them. After a moment, she sits down, sheepishly.

Manson: Um, what?

Miranda picks up the water bottle and waves it in front of Mrs. Manson’s face.

Manson: Oh, I see. (Pause, as it dawns on her.) Oh!

Miranda: It never occurred to anyone that perhaps the story got garbled in translation.

Manson: (upset) Oh my.

Miranda: (sniffles--she’s faking, but once again Manson doesn’t get it) And now, with the comments and the snickering and the being ostracized… (sniffles again) I don’t know. I just don’t feel good about myself anymore.

Manson: (brightening) Well, dear, we do have a self-esteem class here at Lawndale High that could help you with that.

Miranda stands.

Miranda: Uh, I'm not a student, If I want to talk to O'Neill, I will?

Manson: (calmly) Oh. Then, what would you suggest?

Damien: (smiles wickedly) My family would like the opportunity to make a little statement at the next assembly.

Manson: (adamant) Well, I guess that could be arranged…

Damien: (also stands) See that you do.

Damien and Miranda exit. Mrs. Manson picks up the water bottle, looking at it thoughtfully. Then she drops it on her desk, shuddering slightly.

Scene: LH Auditorium

Ms Li is standing on stage, speaking. The Kinsingtons are sitting upstage, along with Mr. O'Neill, waiting to make a statement

Music: "Eva" by Orgy

Li: And so, those responsible for that disgusting incident with the noodles have been found and punished accordingly (winces). And now, we have the Kinsingtons here, who'll attempt to disprove a malicious rumor that's been floating around (scoffs)

They get up and walk to the front of the stage.

O'Neill: (nervously) Uh...thank you

Damien: (signing to Miranda) Here we go again

Miranda smirks

Darren starts speaking

O'Neill: Now, I'm sure you've all heard a lot of rumors going around about the Kinsingtons practicing (shudders) ew.

Miranda glares at O'Neill

O'Neill: And I just want to say, sharing rumors ...

Darren glares at O'Neill

Darren: You're not helping us

The audience laughs

O'Neill: Oh...uh...what I meant to say was...

Darren grabs the microphone away from O'Neill, who eep's.

Darren: (slightly angry) What we meant to say was that, for the past three days, your star quarterback had heard something and took it to mean that we practice incest. We're here to say that that is complete and utter BULLSHIT.

Li: (offscreen) What the...?!

Kevin: (offscreen) Hey! Don't talk like that, I'm the QB!

The Kinsingtons and Mack: (in unison, angry) We know

Kevin: Oh, least I'm not practicing insects!

Miranda rolls her eyes, then takes the microphone from Darren

Miranda: Oh, I dunno. Don't I always see you lusting after your girlfriend's stepmom?

Brittany: (offscreen) KEVVY! HOW COULD YOU (slap!)

Kevin: OW! But babe! The audience laughs. Damien turns to Miranda and signs...

Damien: Uh, Don't you think you're stretching that a bit?

Miranda: Get bent

Darren: (smirking) While we're on the subject of Brittany, How many of you have seen Brit's stepmom?

some members of the audience raise their hands

Darren: (in a shit eating grin) Well, have you ever noticed how they look, shall I say, rather suspiciously alike? Particularly since they have no blood relation, as far as we know

Brittany: What are you saying?!

Miranda: C'mere.

Brittany comes to the front row, Miranda jumps down from the stage and walks to her.

Miranda: Just that the possibility exists that (whispers into Brittany's ear)

Brittany: (shocked) You don't know that!

Darren: Well, you don't know about us, either. So don't start making up rumours about us

The audience is silent. Finally, Kevin speaks up

Kevin: So, uh...does this mean you don't practice insects?

Darren: (straight faced) No, Nor do we practice incest. Last time I checked, sharing a bottle of water wasn't a perversion

Kevin: Oh, Well, uh...sorry, dude

The Kinsingtons walk offstage and join Daria.

Jane: Nice work

Darren: Thanks

Scene: Hallway outside Daria's locker

Daria: So, pizza?

Jane: Why not? Now that you all can manage to share a booth

Damien: (signing. Miranda translating) Don't even joke about that

Jane: And think of the important lesson learned

Darren: and what is that lesson?

Jane: (shrugs) Your guess is as good as mine

Miranda smirks.

Jane: And Trent's playing tonight. (to Miranda) I'm sure he'd like to see you there

Miranda blushes


Jane smirks

Jane: (to Daria, who's glaring at her) What? I like to be a yenta. It makes me feel like a normal sibling

Daria: Since when have you ever wanted to be normal?

Jane: (beat) Touché, Morgendorffer

Daria smirks. Enter Kevin

Kevin: Hey, uh...So, when you said you were "sharing a water bottle," you didn't really mean "Sharing a water bottle," right?

Darren rolls his eyes, turns around, and bangs his head against the back wall of Daria's locker

Roll Credits

Finally. First of all, before I get to the endnotes, I would like to give MANY thanks to the Canadibrit and Lady B, if no other reason than just for encouraging me to not give the whole thing up. And to CB in particular for her comments during the various stages of the fic's evolution. Thanks to the both of ya


Miranda: Why do you like someone who doesn't show an ounce of respect to you?/Miranda: I mean, think about it. She doesn't show you any semblance of friendship, so why the hell do you still treat her like the queen of the [censored] planet? Thanks to those of you on the PPMB who suggested them (Queen Jossie and MeScribble)

Turret's syndrome Tourette's Syndrome. A psychological disorder characterised by tics -- involuntary, rapid, sudden movements or vocalizations that occur repeatedly in the same way. In this case, Sandi was making fun of Stacy "Eep"ing

"Many hands...make for light work" someone suggested that on IRC. I forget who it was, but thanks, if you're reading this

Oh, yeah. I'm eating for two today Based on a line from one of my ex-coworkers (albeit with different results)

How To Change Anyone's Opinion About Anything No, this isn't a real book

The Scene in Ms. Manson's office Writing Cred goes out to MeScribble, who wrote most of the scene

Li: And so, those responsible for that disgusting incident with the noodles have been found and punished accordingly (winces). What this is all about is to be left to your own imagination

Insects This is a semi-reference to "Revelations" by Steven Galloway. (I say "semi" because it wasn't a conscious decision to include it. I mean, C'mon! You know Kevin would confuse the two words =-)

Darren: (in a shit eating grin) Well, have you ever noticed how they look, shall I say, rather suspiciously alike? This was a conversation that came up on IRC right when I was having trouble coming up with a way for our heroes to convince the school that the rumour was false. Impeccable timing, ne?

Jane: And Trent's playing tonight. (to Miranda) I'm sure he'd like to see you there/ Miranda blushes Oh, boy, here we go again ;-)

Well, Until next time...

End Of File