Queens Are Wild
by
Eric Noss A.K.A. Mr. Maddog

Adapted from "Poker Joker" by Dan Barrile and Eric Noss

ACT I.

Scene 1:

[Thursday night at the Morgendorffer house. Jake comes staggering in the living room moaning and holding his stomach.]

Jake: Ohhhh....my belly aches!!!!

Helen: Jake, why are you carrying on like you're dying...

Jake: Well you're the one who cooked the chilli...

Helen: Must you keep bringing that up!

Daria: So you found out about his insurance money then.

Helen: I only made the 5 alarm chilli recipe I copied out of a magazine.

Jake: It feels more like 10 alarm chilli...and why doesn't this acid blocker work? I just took it 10 minutes ago.

Helen: You're suppose to take the blocker an hour 'before' eating a spicy meal. Now you have to take a Tumms.

Jake: Oh...I took that an hour before eating.

Helen: Well how much did you eat?

Jake: The whole thing...

Helen: What!? Didn't you even save some for the girls??

Daria: I didn't eat any because I'm a vegetarian.

Helen: Since when did you become a vegetarian?

Daria: Since you made the 10 alarm chilli.

Quinn: Well don't look at me, I already had an apple and besides...the chilli makes my nose wrinkle.

Jake: I thought you already had a bowl Helen.

Helen: I'm not eating that stuff! Bad enough I had to smell it the whole time I'm cooking it. We could have had a simple microwave except "somebody" burnt the plastic walls.

Jake: I tried to set it for 20 minutes, darn thing kept putting it for 20 hours!

Daria: Here dad, this bottle of Pepto should help.

Jake: Thanks kiddo!

Helen: I'll get you a spoon.

Jake: Don't need one...

[Jake opens the bottle and drinks the entire thing.]

{GLUBP, GLUPB, GLUBP.....}

Helen: JAKE!!!!!!!

Jake: BBBLLLLAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Daria: Think I'll turn in right now...

Quinn: Well I gotta go to bed since I need my beauty sleep. I read in Teeny Weeny magazine that the more you rest with face mud on, the more radiant you look.

Daria: If you let me knock you in a comma, you'll really look stunning.

Quinn: Shut up!

Helen: Be quiet! It's not easy having two children causing all this...

[Jake passes out on the couch and groans.]

Helen: Ugh, make that three children.

Quinn: I'm not going to get much sleep tomorrow morning because those stupid garbage men are always clanging the metal cans next door. Why can't everyone have the same type of garbage cans we do?

Daria: Who 'cares' if garbage cans are metal or plastic?

Quinn: I care! Plastic cans don't make alot of noise and look nicer. Why can't people use the same kind of garbage cans we use?

[The doorbell rings...]

Daria: That must be Jane, we're going to study for the English exam for the next two hours.

Helen: I thought it only takes you 20 minutes to study for English alone.

Daria: Well we'll have plenty of time to kill afterwards, won't we?

Scene 2:

[Daria's room...with the classic asylum motif.]

Jane: Metal garbage cans?

Daria: That's what she's bawling about today. She says how much unconsciousness she needs to really be an appealing person.

Jane: Only death can make her more appealing to me.

Daria: If only I can buy a whole dump load of metal trash cans to life miserable for a few minutes...

Jane: Heh, I can give you 24 of them for nothing.

Daria: How did 'you' get all those cans?

Jane: Trent and Jesse sent the drummer dude to pick up two cans for their upcoming gig. For one thing, the guy isn't a total genius though he 'is' able to hold drumsticks...

Daria: Which was why they made him their drummer.

Jane: Exactly. So he went to the hardware store and told them to get two metal garbage cans. But as he was pointing at them he said, "Get me two doz en there..." very fast and slurred.

Daria: "Two doz en...twodozen...he ordered two dozen garbage cans?"

Jane: Yep, all 24 of them! So Trent has to find a way to get rid of them or else Helpful Corn starts doing Stomp covers.

Daria: Don't tell Quinn you got all those metal trash cans go clanging and banging...

Jane: Sure would really get her angry if the entire block had those garbage cans...

Daria: Jane, you're not thinking about replacing the plastic cans around here with the loud metal ones are you...

Jane: Nah, let's not think about...let's do it!

[The next morning, Quinn awakens to a very loud noise.]

{BBBBWWWWWAAAAANNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

Quinn: Arrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

[Downstairs in the kitchen, Daria stumbles as she's not completely up.]

Helen: Morning dear! I'm making myself a cup of coffee for this be-OU-tiful day.

Daria: Mrumph, muphfle...grumble...

Helen: Oh...I better put on two cups then.

Quinn: MO-OOM!!

[Quinn runs in the kitchen wearing a red strip nightshirt and mud rings over her eyes.]

Daria: Hey...(points at Quinn)...there's Waldo!

Quinn: How can I get any sleep with all those..

{CRRRWWWAAASSSSHHHIIIIIII!!!!!!}

Quinn: ...clanging garbage cans!!!!!!

Helen: What 'are' you talking about sweetheart?

Quinn: Somebody switched the plastic garbage cans with metal ones just to get at me!!!

Daria: Now who would want to go through all of that just to bug you?

(It was all she can do to keep a straight face.)

Helen: That's ridiculous! No one is in a conspiracy against you...isn't that right Jake?

Jake: hmmmhmmm....you look nice Helen...

[Helen rips the paper out of Jake's hands and he gets a very surprised look.]

Helen: Not only you don't pay any attention to me but you had the stupid paper upside down!!

Jake: Upside down!? I thought we got the Chinese edition by mistake.

Quinn: Ugh, I forgot to wipe the mud off my face...and now it's all dried up!

Daria: Didn't you know the racoon look is in?

Quinn: AAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACT II.

Scene 2:

[Lunch period. Daria, Jane and Jodie are sitting at the same table eating.]

Jodie: I can't believe you guys did that...

Jane: Yep, and it was all Daria's idea...right?

[Jane looks at Daria who's still snoozing from being up all night switching trash cans late at night.]

Jane: DARIA!!!

Daria: Snxxxnxnxx....ok I said you can have my apple pie...

Jane: Now what was it that Quinn wanted...

Daria: She said the people next door should have the same garbage cans as we do. So instead of changing ours, we switched other people's.

Jodie: So more any plans for you two partners in crime?

Jane: My parents are gone for the weekend and thinking of doing something different on Saturday.

Jodie: No wild parties then?

Jane: Heh, rather have a good old fashion card game.

[Andrea, the gothic girl, comes over to their table.]

Andrea: Mind if I sit here?

Daria: Sure, I thought you rather sit at empty tables by yourself.

Andrea: They're all full, I figure if we ignore each other then it's the next best thing.

Jane: Hey Andrea, you play cards like Blackjack?

Andrea: Blackjack? That's a kid's game...poker is so much better.

Jodie: Wouldn't that mean we have to bet alot of money though?

Jane: Between the four of us, we ain't got much money to bet.

Daria: We can always use pennies and nickels for chips, and dimes if we're high rollers.

Jane: I got it, make it a tournament with a prize. How 'bout I give away...

Daria: Garbage cans?

Jane: No...13 alternative CD's I got for a penny. Well 1 cent is way too much to pay considering most of it is Eurotrash music.

Jodie: Alternative music...alternative to what? It's mostly the same old crap they keep shoving down our throats.

Jane: They also make good frisbees, coasters, and compact mirrors.

Andrea: Oh what the hey, if it's poker then I'm in...

Daria: Jodie, you bringing Mackenzie?

Jodie: Yeah I'll bring him. He played poker with the team one time and cleaned them out. Of course they were all drunk from drinking non-alcohol beverages.

Daria: How can those goofs get wasted from fake beer?

Jodie: Don't ask...

Scene 2:

[Outside in the halls after lunch. Kevin comes up to Mack's locker eating a big bag of cheesies.]

Kevin: UMpHGh...'ey Mack Daddy...

Mack: Don't call me...geeze you're all covered with orange stuff!

Kevin: I'm finishing up these cheesies I took for lunch. Man, didn't think there was this much. You want some?

Mack: No thanks...

Kevin: Wanna come up to the cabin with the guys this Saturday...we got a keg of N/A beer.

Mack: I have plans, Jodie invited me to a poker game at Jane's house.

Kevin: Hey, poker's cool! We betting money!?

Mack: No...we're playing for a crappy CD collection...

Kevin: Even better!

[Brittany walks up to Kevin with an upset look on her face.]

Brittany: Kevin, you are doing absolutely nothing to keep our relationship working! You think a bonding between a popular cheerleader and a captain of the football team is an automatic done deal but if anything it's needs lots of maintaining and...ewwww, you're not eating cheesies again are you!?

Kevin: Ummm...yeah...

Brittany: Don't touch me with that orange stuff! It's hard to get it off my uniforms. I only have four of them left for my entire wardrobe collection.

Mack: I'm leaving...

Kevin: Hey babe, I am working hard to keep our relationship going. We walk very close, don't we?

Brittany: We go to the same school, have the same classes...big F'n deal!

Kevin: Oh I see what this is all about...I promise as soon as I get more money, I'll let you Supersize your meal.

Brittany: Thanks a lot Jim Dandy! That's it...this relationship is over, done, and some other stuff that means, well it's over!

Kevin: I'm sorry...what I was going to say to you is I really wanted to take you out to a real nice dinner Saturday night.

Brittany: Oh Kevin, that is so sweet of you...

Kevin: But I'm going over to Jane's for a poker game, wanna come?

Brittany: WHAT!? You expect me to go to some stupid poker game with the guys!!!

Kevin: Of course not, it's with a bunch of girls...

[Brittany slaps Kevin very hard who spits out a big spray of orange crumbs all over Brittany. Kevin gets knocked on the floor.]

Brittany: EWWWWW!!!! Now I only got 'three' good shirts. I hate you Kevin Thompson!!

[Kevin is still knocked out on the floor as Brittany stomps out.]

Kevin: Ow...only trying to help...

ACT III.

Scene 1:

[Daria and Jane are sitting in the school library during study hall. It's either that or sit with the rest of the animals in a stuffy classroom.]

Daria: You 'got' to be kidding me...

Jane: Now that idiot Kevin wants to be in our poker game and Brittany also insisted in coming too so she can keep an eye on him. This means I have to buy more chips.

Daria: Yeah, for all the dips.

Jane: This should make a very interesting poker game...

[Upchuck walks by and 'invites' himself.]

Upchuck: Afternoon ladies...I couldn't help overhearing you...

Jane: Yes you can, it's called minding your own business.

Upchuck: But I happen to be very interested in poker, I'm a much more skilled player than Kevin though he did invited me.

Jane: Kevin invited you??

Upchuck: I helped picked him up after got knocked by Brittany...had to clean the cheesie stuff off my hands however.

Daria: With all these people coming Jane, I'm so uncomfortable with the idea. It's a result of being a secluded only child.

Jane: But what about...

Daria: She doesn't count!

Upchuck: Kevin told me the time and place and I have a good idea where you live Janey...

Jane: You are aware of the stalker laws, aren't you Upchuck?

[The librarian, Mrs. Parker, notices Upchuck talking to the two girls. When she sees him talk to 'any' girl, she suspects he's up to no good.]

Parker: Charles, are you harassing those two people?

Upchuck: Umm no Mrs. Parker...they were asking me for my help in biology and...

Daria: Why yes he is Mrs. Parker...

Parker: Upchuck, get out of here and go back to study hall!

Upchuck: But, but...

Parker: NOW!!!!!!!

Upchuck: Man, this #@$%ing sucks!

Parker: Chuck, get back here!!

Upchuck: What!?

Parker: Don't you ever swear like that again, you're not in deer camp!!!!!

[Jane couldn't help snickering...]

Upchuck: Grrrr......

[Upchuck leaves completely embarass.]

Daria: He always makes a big fool of himself and blushes easily, doesn't he...

Jane: Yeah, we coulda really soak him for alot of money at poker.

Scene 2:

[Ms. Barch's class...]

Barch: Kevin, are you eating cheesies during class!?

Kevin: Hmmppummmm....

Barch: Listen you little...

[The intercom comes on and Ms. Li speaks into it.]

Li: Kevin Thompson, please report to my office immediately. Kevin Thompson to my office...what? Why does this stupid button keep sticking...

Barch: Get outta here you little mooch...

[Kevin gets up and passes Brittany who's still miffed at him. At Li's office, Kevin walks in with orange cheesy stuff all over him and sits next to Leeza, a loose girl with the fashion tastes to match.]

Li: Kevin, now about your overall grades...have you been eating cheesies in class again??

Kevin: Why does everybody keep asking me that?

[The phone rings...]

Li: Principal Li speaking...yes, the orders came in and...what? They want me to personally vouch for it? You're suppose to handle all the details...oh all right! I 'freak'ing have to everything around here...

[She hangs up the phone...]

Li: I have some business, I mean matters to take care of outside. Stay right there Kevin, I'll be right back. (Looks at Leeza) As for 'you' young lady, don't move!

[Li leaves the office. Kevin and Leeza start to look at each other.]

Leeza: Hey Kevin, you still going out with that little "kid"?

Kevin: You mean Brittany? Well yeah...No I'm not going steady with her. In fact I broke up with her this afternoon.

Leeza: Really? I bet she took it real hard.

Kevin: You know, I really had to lay it down the line saying it has to end even though she's begging me not to leave her.

Leeza: So you're glad you ditch the witch...

[Kevin stands up.]

Kevin: Yeah! I'm getting sick and tired of playing this charade, having a cheerleader for a stand up prop just so the captain of the football team can look good. I want a 'real' woman for once!

Leeza: (Who also stands up next to Kevin) That's it...tell momma all that's bothering you...

[Kevin walks over to the desk with the microphone is, and unknowingly leans on the button and turns the intercom on.]

Leeza: So you really hate Brittany, don't you Kevin?

Kevin: I sure do! It's always, "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...do this! Do that!" What am I, her freaking slave?

Brittany: What!?

Kevin: Man, she keeps dousing herself with cheap perfume thinking it turns me on. You know something, she smells like an elephant's butt!

Brittany: An elephant's butt!? I'll kill him!!!!!

[Kevin starts making elephant noises.]

Barch: Here, take the hall pass and wack him with it!

[Brittany takes the hard wooden paddle shaped hall pass and storms towards the office. Meanwhile in Daria and Jane's class, where the substitute teacher is just reading a magazine...]

Daria: What is this, a soap opera they're broadcasting?

Jane: Ohhh...Kevin and Easy Leezy are bad mouthing Brittany. This is going to be lots of fun...

[Kevin contunies to berate Brittany over the PA system.]

Kevin: Hehehe...she's so DU-UMB that if you read her mind, it's only a single letter of the alphabet.

[Everybody in school is laughing.]

Kevin: And good grief! Her duff is so wide and big if she sits on a dollar...four quarters come out.

Leeza: Hahaha!!!!

Kevin: And her eyes! She is so dazed you think she wears marbles for contacts.

[Every single student is rolling on the floor laughing, except for Jane and Daria who are taking in every single insult with delicacy. And of course Brittany, which Hell has no wrath like a cheerleader told off.]

Kevin: And her kisses are SO milky, I should have a plate of cookies gi with them!

[Brittany is getting closer and closer to the door.]

Leeza: Oh Kevin, let me show you what a 'real' kiss is...

[She puts her hands and arms all over Kevin and they start making noises.]

{UMMPGH...UURRAAGHHHPPMMGGHHHYYYYYY!!!!!!}

Daria: (Slightly peeved) Settle down Lassie.

Jane: Ugh, he is such a pig!

{BAANNGGG!!!!}

Brittany: KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kevin: AACCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: Looks like the pig is gonna get slaughtered.

Kevin: Agh!!!! Brittany!!

Brittany: So I smell like an elephant's butt!? Fat duff!?! Marble eyeballs!?!!?!? MILKY KISSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kevin: Buh,buh...buh didn't we just broke up?

[Brittany lounges towards Kevin and proceeds with the beatings from the big and heavy hall pass. Leeza gets knocked to the floor and high tails it out of there. Poor Kevin is in deep pain.]

Kevin: Owww, OWWWWWWW......EEEEWWWOOOOOOWWWWWWWWAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Jane: Who needs Sick Sad World?

Daria: Ah man, somebody has got to have this recorded.

ACT IV.

Scene 1:

[Saturday night, the Lane household. Daria, Jane, Jodie and Andrea have everything set up. They proceed to play cards. Jane is walking up stairs from the basement where Trent and his band are practising.]

Jane: I told Trent if he ever plays it too loud again, he eats those guitar strings.

Andrea: Hah...that's nothing compaired to the background noise at the Golden Nuggent. Ten years ago, it was crazy.

Jodie: You were in a casino as a kid!?

Andrea: My parents took my because they couldn't find a sitter. Told the people there I was a middle aged midget, which they believed since I looked liked one at the time.

Daria: Wow, that must have been a bummer...

Andrea: That's why I wear the type of makeup on my face. If you wear it a certain way, people tend not to notice you at all. If others find you unimportant, then they don't bother you. So I wear makeup to 'not' attract other people.

Daria: I have 'never' thought of that one...

Andrea: Stick around kid and you'll pick up on more of my wisdom...

[The doorbell rings and Jane answers it.]

Mack: Has the game started yet?

Jane: We started our first hand but come right in...

Jodie: I thought you're going to meet me right here when I came.

Mack: It's Kevin acting all goofy again.

Daria: You mean there's times when he doesn't?

Mack: He really wants to come to the game but he's hiding from Brittany who 'is' coming as well.

Daria: We can always use someone to practise our bluffing skills on.

Mack: I even told me about wearing a disguise. So I said, "You can't just put on a mustasche and expect her not to see you. It didn't work the last time." Then he said something about ironing his mother's blouse...I didn't even want to know.

[Doorbell rings. It's Brittany.]

All: (Sighing) Hi Brittany...

Brittany: Hey guys! I'm saying to myself why not just come to the game and enjoy yourself. I did came over to see if Kevin will show, I'm not done with that low down mutt yet! Oh, is he here yet?

Daria: You really scared him off so I doubt if he would come at all. But, no one in life can ever get that lucky.

Jodie: You do know how to play this game, right...

Brittany: Ummm...I 'do' know it's not Old Maid...

Jane: Ever played Yahtzee?

Brittany: I might have, but not sure...

Daria: ...with the Disney characters on the dice...

Brittany: Yeah, I remember!!

Jane: Let's start the game...it's 5 card stud, jokers are wild.

Jodie: 5 card 'stud'? Couldn't we find a way to, you know, feminize the game?

Daria: How about making the queens wild?

[The doorbell rings again and Jane yet again gets up and answers it.]

Upchuck: Good evening Jane, my aren't looking fine for this night of chance and skill...

Jane: (Towards others) Ok, who ordered an idiot pizza?

[Upchuck saunters in and sits between Andrea and Brittany. Jane sits down vowing never to let another wacko walk in again.]

Upchuck: (Looking at Andrea) Say...I really love the way you wear your makeup. It's the first thing I noticed walking in here.

Andrea: ACK!!! I'm drawing unwanted attention!

Daria: Try changing your rouge.

Brittany: Don't you even 'think' of getting your drool all over Upchuck! Laundry day's not for another four days.

Andrea: Brittany, why do you always wear the same freaking outfit every single day?

Brittany: Oh no, I have 'five' of these. Well before 'Kevin' ruined two of them.

Andrea: Yeah but for crying out loud, you going to do a stupid cheer at a poker game?

Brittany: I'm sure I can, maybe something...like....

Jane: Give me a beer!!

[Everyone looks at Jane.]

Jane: What....

Mack: That's what the football team chanted at the last poker game.

Brittany: And all day I have been practising my facial expressions to keep a good poker, umm look?

Daria: It's called a poker face, and I have a very good poker face.

Jodie: But Daria...you never smile, blink, move, twitch your eyebrows and...uh, wow...you have a 'perfect' poker face.

[And the doorbell rings, surprised?]

Jane: It's open, just walk in here.

[The doorknob is going back and forth while the bell keeps on ringing.]

Jane: Just push the door open!! And stop ringing the bell!!!!

[Kevin walks in...but he's wearing a wig and a dress!! So far only Mack recognizes him.]

Jodie:  Oh my...

Mack: What the....

Kevin: (In a fake girl voice) Hi, I'm Kevin's cousin Kelly! I'm in town visting him and he told me about this poker game which he can't go to because he's sick

Brittany: Yeah, I bet he is!!

Kevin: So is there a seat left?

Daria: (peeved) What's next...a bus load of old people on their way to Vegas!

Jane: That's it...I'm locking the door!

[Kevin has to sit next to Brittany since it's the only chair left.]

Brittany: Hmmm...you do look like someone I know...

Kevin: Hey babe...dah I mean hey lady, I said I was Kevin's cousin.

Brittany: Yech, now I see the resemblence.

Daria: (Whispering to Jane) Doesn't she know that's Kevin in drag?

Jane: Come on, this is Brittany we're talking about here.

Daria: Who else would be dumb enough to think that's a woman?

Upchuck: So, you're Kevin's cousin eh? I didn't think he would be related to a lovely specimen like yourself.

[Upchuck reaches over to touch "Kevin" and virtually climbs all over Brittany.]

Brittany: EEEYYYAAAHHHH!!!!! GET OFF OF ME YOU PERV!!!!!!!!!

Jane: Before I deal the next hand, we really should play a game of musical chairs.

[As luck would have it, Upchuck ends up sitting next to Kevin.]

Upchuck: Hey baby, anyone ever told you that you look just like Venus the goddess?

Daria: More like Venus the planet...

Upchuck: Hey!!! You had you're chance yesterday!

Daria: And I took it...to throw you out on your ear.

Upchuck: Ggggrrrrrrr.........

Scene 2:

[Later on into the night...]

Upchuck: Heheheheh... That's another hand I won!

Jane: (To Daria) That's the tenth straight game he won...something smells fishy.

Daria: It's his aftershave that smells fishy, that stuff will make you woozy.

Upchuck: And I'm about to get those wonderful CD's...and you my dear, Kelly are invited to come over to my house to "listen" to them.

Kevin: Uh, I rather not...

Upchuck: Ohhhh....feisty!!

[Upchuck puts his hand on Kevin's leg.]

Kevin:(Gritting) Get your hand off of me man...

[Kevin punches Upchuck in the breadbasket real hard. Chuck keels over and a few cards fall out of his sleeve.]

Jane: What do we have here? An ace of spades, but that's in my hand...five aces!!

Andrea: That lowdown snake's been cheating!! I say we skin him like the pig that he is!!!!

Jodie: Yeah, strip him!!

[Jane and Andrea gang up on Upchuck with Daria and Jodie getting in the act. They took his shirt off and lots of cards fall to the floor.]

Andrea: AARRGGHHHH...I'm blind!!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: Oh that's it, I'm never eating chicken again...

Jane: Jodie, get me that roll of duct tape over there...

[Andrea manhandles Upchuck by twisting his arm while Daria puts her heavy boot hard against his back making him kneel. Jane and Jodie proceed to hogtie him with tape.]

Upchuck: Ow hey! Ouch!!!!! OWwwwwww.... You can't do...MRPRghgrphle....

[Upchuck has been gagged while Brittany looks on with astonishment and confusion. Kevin and Mack just look at each other and shrugged.]

Daria: All aces Upchuck? You should have at least have an ounce of imagination to make up for your lack of diginity.

Jane: Time to take out the trash!

[Jane throws Upchuck out the door, and he runs off looking like a silver mummy half dressed in a straightjacket.]

Jane: Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Minutes later after some semblence of order have return, the game continues...]

Jodie: Jane, about these new cards we're using...are you sure they're not marked?

Jane: Why you asked?

Jodie: How come my queen has Daria's face on it?

Daria: What's this, a form of merchandising?

Jane: Oh that? I got bored one day and did cartitures on the cards. See...I got you, me, and Andrea on the other queens. And I believe I win with a three of a kind.

Brittany: Where's my face? Shouldn't I be on a queen card??

Andrea: You mean the bearded jack? Yeah I have it...

[Andrea shows Brittant the jack card with a beard on her face along with horns and a mustache.]

Brittany: That's so tacky!

[Kevin laughs...]

Brittany: And what's so funny about it chuckles!?

Daria: If you thought that was hysterical what till you see this...

[Daria plops down a joker with Kevin's face.]

Kevin: H'ey!? That's not cool!!

Brittany: Hang on a minute...you really 'do' remind me of kevin in a way. If he really 'is' sitting next to me, I would reach down his throat to take out that sorry excuse for a heart and shove it up his nose!!!

[Kevin sweats profusely.]

Kevin: ...gulp...

Jane: How's you're hand 'Drea?

Andrea: Not good...oh well, I can always find another set of coasters somewhere.

Mack: Well I'm off, Jodie and I have to get back so night everybody.

[Everyone is mumbling, "yeahyeah..."]

Jane: Right, let's make this the last hand for the grand prize. I'm sitting this out for fear of actually winning it back.

[Jane deals the cards. The players call their bets and raised the stakes.]

Jane: Ok, what's you're call Daria?

Daria: ...ummm....crap, I fold....

Kevin: I raise twenty...

Brittany: I'll see your twenty, and raise thirty.

[Brittany is determined to beat this "Kevin" lookalike.]

Kevin: Well, then I'll see your thrity and raise "fifty"!

[Kevin wants to really sock it to Brittany.]

Brittany: Then I'll see your "fifty" and raise a HUNDRED!!

[Brittany puts the rest of her chips in.]

Andrea: YeOUCH!!

Kevin: Fine, I'm betting EVERYTHING I have!

Jane: Ok, time to call them.

Brittany: Full house...beat that sister!!!!

Kevin: Sure...five of a kind!

[Kevin lays down a Daria, Jane, Jodie, Andrea(four queens) and a Kevin joker.]

Brittany: NOOOOOOO....he got a Yahtzee!!

Kevin: Yes, I WON!!!!!!

[Kevin dances around and one of his balloons gets loose and goes down his shirt. Brittany stares in wild eye horror as her jaw literally drops. The balloon falls to the floor out of the loose pant leg.]

Brittany: Wait a minute...Kevin 'has' no cousin named Kelly...

[She takes a sharp pencil and pops the other balloon.]

{PPPOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!!}

Kevin: (Normal voice) Ow!!!!

[Brittany slowly rips the wig off of kevin's head. Now she's the embodiment of pure rage.]

Brittany: YOOUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kevin: Ummm...I would have used tissues but I thouught you of all people might see through that.

Brittany: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kevin takes off running like quail out of a bush and Brittany takes the CD's and wings them at Kevin as they head out into the street.]

Andrea: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daria: Well...that was a fun night. She should do this more often.

Jane: Next time I'll tell Trent to play as loud as he likes.

Daria: Whatever...

[A block away, Upchuck is still unraveling the duct tape when he sees Kevin and Brittany running pass him.]

Upchuck: Hahaha! Brittany's chasing Kevin in a dress! It even looks like the same blouse that his cousin I was putting the moves on was...wait a minute....NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

[Not far from the Morgendorffer home, Kevin runs into a large pile of metal garbage cans that he didn't see. Brittany dives in and beats the crap out of him. All the yelling and clanging made Quinn open the window, who has lots of mud on her face.]

Quinn: Do you people 'mind'! I'm trying to sleep!!!!!!

Kevin: Wait, OW, don't hit me right.... ....YYYYEEEEEERRRRGGGGHHHHHHHAAAARRRGGGGHHOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Quinn: MOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!