By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Stacy's room. The fashion club is having a meeting)

Sandi: ...smoking is *wrong* because it's makes your fingers and teeth, like, *yellow*.

Tiffany: Sooo. You should only smoke if you use makeup and teeth whitening.

Sandi: That's very good, Tiffany. Smoking is okay if it doesn't affect your looks.

Stacy: But aren't we supposed to advise against smoking?

Sandi: Please, Stacy. Are you saying that Ms Li didn't know what she was doing when she asked us to help her with the anti-smoking campaign?

Quinn: (under her breath) Wouldn't be the first time.

Sandi: Did you say something, *Quinn*?

Quinn: (fake smile) Why no, Sandi. I just meant that Ms Li might not be happy if we bring her arguments in favor of smoking.

Stacy: You mean, like, smoking helps you loose weight?

Tiffany: Sooo. Smoking is good?

Sandi: Yes, I guess smoking can be good.

Quinn: Maybe we should take a break.

Stacy: Hey. We can listen to Dr. Ruth's show. It's starting now. You've got to hear it.

Sandi: Is she one of those call-in psychologists? Because that can't be more important than our contributions to the *student* body.

Stacy: She deals with parents who are worried about their teens. It can be really funny.

Sandi: We are not here to have *fun*. Fashion is serious business.

Quinn: But maybe it'll be about someone we know.

Sandi: (contemplates this) Very well. As president of the fashion club I decide that we should hear it.

Stacy: I hope that fun guy calls in.

Quinn: What fun guy?

Stacy: Last week there was this guy who called in. He was worried about his oldest daughter. He had walked in on her in the bathroom.

Sandi: Nude?

Stacy: No, he was dressed.

Sandi: I *meant* the daughter.

Stacy: Eeep! No she was also dressed. But when he asked her what she was doing, she said it felt less lonely talking to yourself in front of a mirror.

Tiffany: I guess that does make sense.

Quinn: (voiceover) Sounds like something Daria would say. I wonder. Naaa, that couldn't be.

(Stacy turns the radio on)

Radio: Tired of your car? Don't be. With new tires from Herb's Tires, you won't get tired. (pause) And now for your favorite on the air psychologist. Dr. Ruth.

Dr. Ruth: Thank you, Eddie. Do we have a first caller?

Female: Dr. Ruth. It's about my son. I'm worried about him. He plays violent computer games. And I heard how that recent school shooting incident was linked to computer games.

Dr. Ruth: First of all. While exposure to violent movies, TV shows and computer games may cause a person to be desensitized towards violence, there is no conclusive evidence that these things will make someone violent. And as for that shooting incident it would seem far more reasonable to look to his neglective and abusive parents for an explanation than to a computer game. Instead, you could make sure that the game titles he plays are intended for his age group, and put a time limit on how many hours a day he uses his computer.

Female: I guess you could be right. But I think I better confiscate his computer just to be safe. (hangs up)

Dr. Ruth: No better way to improve your relationship with your kids, than to do something they see as punishment, when they haven't done anything wrong. That was irony for those of you who didn't get it. Next caller.

(Jake's voice is heard)

Jake: Dr. Ruth. I'm calling about my daughter.

Stacy: (exited) It's him. It's the fun guy.

(Quinn turns pale)

Dr. Ruth: (beat) Oh, it's you again. What has your oldest daughter done this time?

Jake: Actually it's about my youngest daughter. I think she may be doing drugs.

Dr. Ruth: And what gave you that idea?

Jake: She spends a lot of money. And I suddenly started wondering, what if she uses some of it on mescaline?

Dr. Ruth: Mescaline? Are you a former hippie?

Jake: How did you know?

Dr. Ruth: Never mind. Huge spending is hardly out of the ordinary with teenage girls. What you could do is to ask her to account for the way she spends money. Drug dealers don't hand out receipts.

Jake: Well actually she can account for that. I get receipts for everything.

Dr. Ruth: You see. Then there is probably nothing to worry about.

Jake: But what is she...

Dr. Ruth: Listen. If you are so worried about her you could try reading her diary. But that should...

Jake: Great idea. Thanks. (hangs up)

Dr. Ruth: As I was about to say. That should only be done as a last resort, and only after everything else has failed. Next caller.

Sandi: If that was my dad, I'd, like, kill myself.

Tiffany: You're soooo right.

Stacy: Poor girl. To have a dad like that. It's funny - I keep thinking I've heard his voice somewhere before. Um. Quinn are you okay?

(cut to Quinn who is as pale as a corpse)

Quinn: I'm fine. I just ate some bad mascara.

(Daria's room. Daria is laying on the bed staring at the ceiling. There is a knock on the door)

Daria: Please push the money under the door. Your crack cocaine will be delivered shortly.

(Quinn enters)

Quinn: Could you not use that line?

Daria: I've been considering alternatives. But the "You've reached the morgue. Please push your dead relative under the door" just hasn't got the same ring to it.

Quinn: Daria, my life is being ruined.

Daria: And I'm happy to hear that. Although for once I confess ignorance to what it is I've done.

Quinn: Not you; dad.

Daria: He won't give you money? You could try taking a loan from the guys who do our trash.

Quinn: It's worse. Remember when he surprised you in the bathroom?

Daria: (smirk) I guess that did freak him out a bit... (surprised) How do you know about that?

Quinn: He's been calling this radio show host. Dr. Ruth.

Daria: I heard about her. Specializes in teens. And dad called her about me?

Quinn: Last week. But this is much worse. This time dad called her about me. He thinks I'm using drugs.

Daria: Well. It was your turn to get suspected of that. (1)

Quinn: And she told him to read my diary.

Daria: So? You don't use drugs, and you don't keep a diary.

Quinn: I know but what... (pause) How do you know I don't keep a diary?

Daria: (voiceover) Uh-oh (outloud) Um. You're not the type who keeps a diary.

Quinn: Oh. Anyhow if he doesn't stop calling in, my friends might figure out who he is. The shame would kill me.

(Daria smiles)

Quinn: You have no reason to be so smug, you know. She might tell him to read your diary next time.

Daria: How do you know I keep a diary?

Quinn: (voiceover) Uh-oh (outloud) Um. You write stuff. Don't all writers keep a diary?

Daria: Some do. Hmm. Much as I hate to admit it you may have a point. But how would we stop him from calling in? The chances of this family suddenly adopting so-called "normal" behavior are slim.

Quinn: Actually I've got an idea. Remember that show "Twin Peaks" they showed reruns of last year.

Daria: Don't talk about that. I kept watching it hoping it would eventually make sense. (pause) Ahh. You're thinking of using the fake diary trick.

Quinn: Exactly.

Daria: A fake diary that portrays you as the modest, well-adjusted, loving and happy teen you're not.

Quinn: Hey!

Daria: That could work. But if you got it all figured out, what do you need me for?

Quinn: He might start searching for it tonight. I can't write one that fast. But I noticed that when you write your pencil almost flies across the paper.

Daria: Compliment accepted. Problem is I never tried writing "happy" and "well adjusted" before. I'm not even sure I can. (evil smile)

Quinn: Oh no. He could have a heart attack.

Daria: Not if we exaggerate so much he couldn't possibly think it's real. And it might make him think twice about calling in again. Now all we need is a diary.

Quinn: I bought one on the way home.

(Quinn's room. Quinn and Daria are sitting on the floor. Daria is writing in Quinn's "diary")

Daria: How about this. "Monday: Black mass with the fashion club. Worshiped the god of Waif. Tiffany refused to drink blood. Said it was fattening."

Quinn: (Smiles) My turn. "Tuesday: Talked with Daria. She told me how she and her accomplices, Rust and Warlord, are planning to corner the market for extacy."

Daria: (Mona Lisa smile) Not bad. "Wednesday: Brooke wore a spotted blouse in school today. Beat her with a baseball bat for crimes against fashion."

Quinn: (laughs) "Thursday: Daria came home with blood on her clothes. Again. I wish she would find another way to smuggle drugs than through the dead bodies at the morgue."

Daria: (smiles) "Friday: Collected protection money at Cashman's. Nothing like a small fire to make people cooperative."

(Quinn laughs and rolls on the floor)

(An hour later)

Quinn: This is the entry for yesterday: "Wednesday: Killed Sandi and buried her in the backyard."

Daria: (short laugh) That ought to do it. Just put it on your desk for dad to find.

Quinn: Okay. (pause) Daria have we been having a great time?

Daria: I'm afraid so.

Quinn: Maybe we should do it again sometime.

Daria: Yeah. Maybe. (starts leaving)

Quinn: You don't think dad will actually believe any of this stuff.

Daria: Naa. Even dad isn't that clueless.

(Next day. Cedars at Lawndale. Helen is talking with Dr. Phillips. Daria and Quinn are standing next to her)

Dr. Phillips: Another mild heart attack (2). He should be home tomorrow. Any idea why he was digging in your backyard at such a late hour?

Helen: As a matter of fact I do.

(Helen gives Daria and Quinn killer looks. Daria and Quinn look at the floor)

(Sloane residence. The TV room. Daria and Tom are watching TV. Quinn is sitting on a chair at the other end of the room)

TV: ...reports show that the boy was killed because he refused to trade his Pokemon cards.

Daria: Just wondering. Are we watching the news or Sick Sad World.

Tom: The news.

Daria: It keeps getting harder to tell the difference.

Tom: You know how much I enjoy watching TV with you.

Daria: I think you've mentioned it.

Tom: And how much your sister annoys me.

Daria: No. I think I'm the one who keeps mentioning that.

Tom: So what's she doing here?

Daria: She keeps following me around. I tried throwing rocks at her, but she won't leave.

(Quinn starts crying)

Daria: Oh, brother.

Tom: Look, Quinn. Elsie is in her room. Why don't you go see her. She's been pestering us with her new designer dress.

Quinn: (wipes her eyes) I'm not in the mood for dresses.

Tom: (to Daria) It's that bad?

Daria: (sigh) Maybe it would help you to talk with her about it. I mean even if she did spread the news all over school it wouldn't matter because she goes to a different school.

Quinn: Okay. (leaves)

Tom: What's that all about?

Daria: She can't be with her friends because she's got no money to go shopping for. And she can't ask our mom because she won't talk to us right now.

Tom: Can't she ask your dad?

Daria: Um no. He's in the hospital.

Tom: He is? What happened?

Daria: Well. That has to do with why our mom won't talk with us.

Tom: What did you do? (smirk) Try and kill your dad.

Daria: It's funny you should mention it.

(Elsie's room. Elsie is showing Quinn one of her dresses)

Elsie: ...and this one dad took home with him from Paris.

Quinn: Wow. You have a real Paris model?

Elsie: To be honest he bought it in Berlin. But he flew home from Paris. So technically it wasn't a lie.

(Quinn smiles)

Elsie: You finally smiled. And I was starting to fear your bad mood would rub off on me.

Quinn: You're not mad I dropped by?

Elsie: Naa. It's not every day my brother's girlfriend's sister comes to unload her heart at me. (pause) And you looked like you needed to.

Quinn: Thanks. If this got out my popularity would be destroyed.

Elsie: Which is why you needed to talk with someone from a different school.

Quinn: Actually that was Daria's idea. (sigh) I should be getting home now. (beat) A lot of fun that will be.

Elsie: If you want to, you and Daria can spend the night here.

Quinn: That's okay with me. But if Daria stayed here my dad would have a heart attack.

Elsie: Another one?

Quinn: (laughs) Oh no. That's not funny.

Elsie: How would he know? You said yourself he wouldn't be home until tomorrow. Besides my parents will only agree to it if you and Daria share a guestroom.

(That evening. Morgendorffer livingroom. Helen and Jake comes home)

Helen: Now you just go to bed, and I'll bring you your dinner.

Jake: Dammit, I'm feeling fine. Heart attacks aren't that bad the second time. I won't stay in the hospital, I won't go to bed, and I won't call my mom.

Helen: (relieved) That's good... I mean, it's good to have you back. I'll go check on the girls.

Jake: (small smile) Stay away from their diaries.

Helen: Oh, Jake. Promise me you'll come to me next time you think there's something wrong with the girls.

Jake: I promise.

(Helen walks up the stairs. Jake walks over to the answering machine and turns it on. Quinn's voice is heard)

Quinn: Hi mom. Tom and Elsie invited me and Daria to sleep over. And don't worry. (beat) We're sharing a room.


(Helen and Jake's bedroom. Jake is lying in bed. Helen is standing next to him)

Helen: Now stay in bed, and I'll get you dinner. You're lucky you didn't have a third heart attack.

Jake: But I heard...

Helen: Please Jake. What Quinn meant was that she and Daria are sharing a room. Not that she, Daria, Tom and Elsie are sharing one. Besides I'm sure we can trust Angier and Kay to keep an eye on things.

Jake: I guess you're right. (pause) If I didn't know any better I'd think the girls were trying to kill me.

Helen: Oh Jake. Now why would they want to do that.

(Helen leaves. Jake turns the TV on)

TV: And now for America's famous criminals. The Menendez Brothers who killed their parents to get their money.

(Jake stares at the TV with open mouth)

(The following morning. Sloane residence. Daria and Quinn are sleeping in a guestroom in a big double bed. Daria rolls over in her sleep and hugs Quinn's left arm. Quinn wakes up)

Daria: (in her sleep) Ummm. Tom.

(Quinn sits up and hits Daria in the stomach)

Daria: (wakes up) Augh! Quinn? What did you do that for?

Quinn: I warned you I would do that, if you tried the Tom thing on me again.

Daria: What Tom thing?

Quinn: Dreaming about Tom and thinking I'm him. You woke me the same way a few hours ago. And I told you I'd hit you if you did it again.

Daria: (blushing) That's not true.

Quinn: (smirk) I hope you two stay together. Because I see some very short-lived romances ahead of you, if you keep that up.

Daria: I'm warning you.

Quinn: (evil smile) You could tell them it's role playing of course. (fake Daria voice) Don't mind if I call you Tom tonight Al. It's role-playing.

Daria: Aaaah!

(Cut to the hallway. Kay is walking by. She stops as she hears noises coming from the guestroom)

(Cut to the guestroom. Daria and Quinn are rolling around on the floor. The door opens. Kay comes in. Daria and Quinn stop fighting)

Kay: What're you doing?

Quinn: Um...

Daria: Fighting.

Kay: Is that something you two do often?

Daria: Not as much as we used to.

(The Sloane TV room. Elsie is reading a book. Tom comes in)

Elsie: Did you get rid of them?

Tom: That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Elsie: I can't believe they would start a fight. You know mom is going to keep talking about it for a year or so.

Tom: I guess not all siblings can be as well adjusted as you and me.

Elsie: Ahem. Like we never fought each other.

Tom: That's different. As the older brother I have the right to beat you. It's in the constitution.

Elsie: Oh yeah. I remember beating you once.

Tom: That only happened because you had an advantage. You were very fat as a child.

Elsie: I was not fat!!

Tom: (evil smile) Compared to a sumo wrestler. No.

Elsie: Aaaah!

(A minute later. Kay enters. She sees Tom and Elsie who are fighting on the couch)

Kay: Tom! Elsie! What're you doing?

Elsie: Fighting?

Tom: Wrong answer.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Daria and Quinn come home. Helen enters from the kitchen. She's carrying a briefcase in her right hand)

Helen: (reserved) Oh, it's you.

Daria: That's no way to greet your lost daughters. If we were your lost sons you would have slaughtered the fattened calf.

Quinn: Good to see you, mom. Look I really need...

Helen: Your dad is upstairs. Could you two for *once* try not to cause him stress. I have to go, there is a situation at the office.

Daria: And I thought you only worked late on Sundays.

Quinn: Before you go, can I have...

Helen: Bye now. See you tonight. (leaves and closes the door after her)

Quinn: But mu-oom, you forgot to give me a credit card.

Daria: I'm sure the front door enjoys hearing about your problems. Although I've always considered the toilet to be a better listener.

Quinn: I have to have a credit card.

(Quinn is about to walk upstairs but Daria grabs her arm)

Daria: No, Quinn. You heard what mom said.

Quinn: Since when do you care what she says?

Daria: Since she started saying things you don't want to hear.

(Daria is on the phone with Jane. Split screen between Daria and Jane)

Jane: So has the heart attack had any side effects this time?

Daria: Such as?

Jane: Bloodshot eyes, religious conversion, talking about childhood.

Daria: Talking about childhood is normal with him. But besides that he looks at me and Quinn in a funnier way than usual. No.

Jane: Then it's a shame he didn't get a bloodshot eye. (scary voice) Dad's evil eye.

Daria: (warningly) Jane.

Jane: Touchy. When we first met, you wanted your family to suffer. (3)

Daria: (beat) I know. But at least I still want Quinn to suffer. And I just found the perfect way. I'll get a credit card and next time she can't get one from mom or dad I'll show her mine. Maybe I can even get her to crawl on the walls.

Jane: A credit card? What happened to paying in cash to prevent the government from tracking your purchases?

Daria: That was before the museum of human oddities went online. (4)

(Quinn is on the phone with Stacy. Split screen between Quinn and Stacy)

Stacy: Where have you been today? We had to go shopping at Cashman's without you. Sandi even suggested you might be broke, not that I believed her of course.

Quinn: I couldn't make it. My dad had a heart attack.

Stacy: Another one? What caused it?

Quinn: Can we, like, not talk about that?

Stacy: Sure. I guess it's difficult for you. But guess what. We're having an extra meeting tonight at Tiffany's. Can you come?

Quinn: (voiceover) As long as there's no shopping involved. (outloud) Sure. What's the agenda?

Stacy: First we'll listen to Dr. Ruth's show.

Quinn: (beat) Great.

Stacy: And then we'll go shopping on the internet. Isn't that exciting? Don't forget to bring a credit card.

Quinn: Um. You know. I don't think I can make it.

Stacy: Oh. Why not?

Quinn: I suddenly remember that my dad also broke a leg.

(The kitchen. Quinn is attempting to create a pizza. Daria comes in)

Daria: What're you doing?

Quinn: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm making dinner. Dad will be grateful and let me have a credit card without even asking.

Daria: Dinner? You never cooked dinner once in your entire life. I bet you couldn't even boil an egg.

Quinn: Daria. Get out.

Daria: Good idea. I have to go order a pizza we can eat instead of your golem. (5)

(Quinn throws a towel after Daria. Daria flees the kitchen)

Quinn: (voiceover) That's the problem with being tutored (6). Her insults were bad enough when I didn't understood what they meant. (walks over to the refrigerator) I'll show her I can boil an egg. (pause) Come to think of it. Why do people boil eggs? I bet it's much faster just to use the microwave.

(The livingroom. Jake is taking a nap on the couch. Daria walks over to him)

Daria: (voiceover) Guess I could try doing a good deed as long as no one sees me. I think I'll put a pillow under his head.

(Daria takes a pillow and leans over Jake's head. Jake wakes up)

Jake: GAAAA! What're you doing?

Daria: Um. Random act of kindness?

Jake: (laughs nervously) Look at the time. I think I better get started on making dinner.

(The kitchen. Jake enters. He sees Quinn)

Jake: (surprised) What're you doing?

Quinn: Don't you start... I mean pizza. I'm making dinner for us tonight.

Jake: Really? You never did that before. Is there anything I can do to help?

Quinn: Yeah. You could get the eggs from the microwave.

Jake: Eggs? Microwave?

(Jake walks over to the microwave and is about to open it. Just then a large bang is heard as the eggs explode)

Jake: (jumps back) GAAAA! What was that?

Quinn: Oh no. The eggs blew up. Daria will ridicule me. Good thing you didn't open the oven dad. You could have been killed.

Jake: GAAAAAA!! Helen, Helen. (runs out of the kitchen)

(The livingroom. Daria is watching TV. Jake storms in from the kitchen)

Daria: She can't help you, dad.

Jake: (scared) What do you mean?

Daria: She's at work.

Jake: Right. You and Quinn stay here. I have to make a phone call. (runs upstairs)

(The kitchen. Quinn is cleaning the microwave. Daria comes in)

Daria: What did you do?

Quinn: *You* keep your comments to yourself.

Daria: I mean with dad. He was completely freaked out. Did you ask for his whole wallet this time?

Quinn: No, I don't think I did anything.

Daria: And he walked upstairs to make a phonecall. Why not simply use the phone in the livingroom?

Quinn: I don't know. (pause) Oh, no.

Daria: What?

Quinn: Dr. Ruth. She's on tonight.

Daria: Oh brother.

Quinn: (grabs a kitchen knife) I don't care if he's my dad. I won't let him ruin my life.

(Helen and Jake's bedroom. Jake is on the phone)

Jake: Dr. Ruth. I don't know what to do. I think my daughters may be after my life. First they gave me a heart attack, then my oldest was about to put a pillow over my head, and my youngest almost blew me up. (pause) Hello, hello.

OS: Daria: She can't hear you, dad.

(Cut to the doorway where Daria and Quinn are standing. Quinn is holding a knife in her right hand)

Jake: Stay away from me!!!

Daria: Quinn, the knife.

Quinn: What knife?

Daria: The one in your hand.

Quinn: Oops. (drops the knife) I needed it to sever the phone line.

Daria: Dad, look. I think the problem is that you don't know me and Quinn very well, causing you to jump to conclusions whenever something happens. This is probably more our fault that yours. Because when you ask us something our usual response is often a sarcastic comment or a plea for money. You call us kiddo, but let's face it. We're not kiddos anymore, we're becoming adults. And when you do stuff, like calling Dr. Ruth, you embarrass us. But that doesn't mean...

Jake: Um. Daria. What exactly are you trying to say?

Quinn: (begins to cry) That we love you, and that we would never do anything to hurt you. Isn't that true Daria?

Daria: Is what true?

Quinn: (crying) That we love dad.

Daria: You know. There are many ways to define love. One of them... (Quinn stomps her foot) Augh! (beat) Yeah we love you, dad.

Jake: Kiddos. (hugs Daria and Quinn)

(Later that evening. Jake, Daria and Quinn are sitting in the kitchen. They're sharing a pizza. Not the one Quinn made. Jake is reading from a piece of paper)

Jake: "We will raise our children to be independent spirits, free from oppressive rules and societies expectations - an organic expression of our physical love."

Quinn: That's so sweet. I never knew you and mom had "Vows of Commitment" (7). It's so romantic. Isn't it romantic Daria?

Daria: (beat) Yeah. It's romantic. (voiceover) Always nice to know your parents had a higher reason for not being there for you, when you were little.

(Helen comes in)

Helen: (curious) What're you doing?

Jake: Hi hon. I'm telling the kids of how you and me got married.

Helen: (blushing) They really want to know about that?

Quinn: Sure we do. Don't we Daria?

Daria: Mom, bribe me.

Helen: (small smile) 40.

Quinn: But mu-oom. What about me?

Helen: You can have the silver. No gold. Now let me show you the photo album.

Daria & Quinn: Thanks, mom.


(1) "Ill"

(2) "Jake of Hearts"

(3) "Esteemers"

(4) "The F Word"

(5) Artificial human made from clay. According to legend created by rabi Low of Prague.

(6) "Is it Fall Yet"

(7) See "The Daria Diaries"