P.roblem With E.xercising
By Bobby Birks
Opening scene: Gymnasium of the school. Daria, Jane, Kevin, and Brittany are all present. The instructor is Mr. Danotinbul. He has his head shaved similar to a military haircut.
Mr. Danotinbul: <shouting> All right. Seeing as how you four have failed <glares at Jane> the standard Physical Education class, you will be meeting me after school until you pass!
Kevin: Um, why did I fail?
Mr. D: Take off your shoulder pads and you'll know! Speaking of which, you are not to wear that here! You two ladies will wear appropriate footwear. This isn't the place or the time for combat boots! <sighs> Oh why did they have to end the war!!! Damn the peace talks!
Daria: <to Jane> This ought to be fun.
Jane: Oh, yeah. I'm jumping out of my skin in excitement of continuing the course...
Brittany: Um, Mr. Danotinbul?
Mr. D: <very loudly> What?
Brittany: Am I going to have to share a locker room with them? <points to Daria and Jane>
Mr. D: Are you a girl?
Mr. D: Are they girls?
Brittany: I think so.
Mr. D: Is that the girls locker room?
Brittany: Only when Kevin isn't sharing it with me?
Mr. D: <sigh> Yes, you will have to share with them!
Cut to: Daria's living room. Helen and Jake are present in the couch and chair respectively. Daria walks in.
Jake: Hey, kiddo! Why are you home so late.
Daria: <breathless, sits on couch> I have...to take a... make up...course for...gym.
Helen: I wasn't aware you took P.E. in the first place.
Daria: Neither was I. I just went along to keep Jane company, and the coach signed me up too. You've got to get me out of this, dad.
Jake: Sure thing, kiddo.
Helen glares at Jake.
Jake: Well, that is, if your mom-
Helen: Daria, I've been concerned about your physical well being. I think you should continue the course anyway.
Daria: Not that I'm ungrateful for your concern, but if you really are concerned about my physical well being, then you'll let me stay home...with air conditioning...and chairs...and TV.
Helen: <slowly, emphasizing each word> Fat chance.
Daria: Then what do I get out of it?
Helen: The satisfaction of pleasing your parents, of course.
Daria: How about you not bringing me to couples therapy night for three months?
Jake: Me too?
Helen: You're going to keep coming until you stop whining about your father.
Jake: <in anger> Damnit! Why is it that that selfish old bastard can ruin my life after he's dead!
Daria: I can see that you're overcome with grief, dad. I'll leave you alone to cope with your emotions now. Daria walks off screen.
Cut to: Daria's room. She opens a drawer in her dresser and pulls out a folder. She puts it on her bed and looks through the contents. Within is tracing paper, a felt tip pen, and several old notes excusing Daria from gym for various reasons. Daria grabs one note and goes over to the computer. After a few minutes, she prints out her note. Taking a piece of tracing paper from the bottom of the stack, with her dad's signature, and the pen, she begins to forge the signature.
Daria: <smiling> And once again, I stand in triumph over my foes. She folds the note and places it in her backpack. Shortly after, she leaves.
Cut to: Jane's room. Jane and Daria are sitting on the bed, watching the TV set.
TV: Puppy love: people who rape animals up next on Sick Sad World.
Jane uses the remote to mute it.
Jane: This episode is visiting realms of human sickness that have never been shown on TV... I should have recorded it.
Daria: Why didn't you say something to get me out of this class?
Jane: <smirking> Ooops.
Daria: <sighs> Any idea as to how long this class will take?
Jane: At least as long as the standard class.
Daria: One semester?
Daria: I should have enough time then.
Jane: Time to what?
Daria: Keep my supply of faked notes flowing.
Jane: That's not fair!
Daria: In what sense?
Jane: In the sense that you didn't offer to make me any.
Cut to: Gym class. The four are standing here. Jane is wearing the outfit she uses to run and her sneakers. Kevin isn't wearing the pads, and Brittany is, as usual, absentmindedly twirling her hair around her finger.
Daria: Mr. Danotinbul, I have a note.
Daria hands him the folded paper. He doesn't unfold it, but just crumples it in his hand and sticks it in his pocket.
Mr. D: Good for you. Now where shall we begin? Running? Sprinting? Sports?
Daria frowns heartily.
Kevin: How about football?
Mr. D: No! How about a little basketball?
Brittany: Um...I guess so.
Jane: Why not.
Daria: Just shoot me now.
Cut to: Daria standing in the middle of the gym, with an arm extended slightly upwards as Kevin runs past while dribbling the ball. Brittany stands on the sidelines, cheering. "Go Kevin, go Kevin, go go- Oh no! I broke a nail." Jane stands near the end of the court where Kevin is going. Kevin runs up and jumps...only to land face-first on the ground. The basketball bounces to Jane. She slowly picks it up and slowly walks, while dribbling, to the other end of the gym. Kevin is being held back by Brittany.
Brittany: Kevie, are you hurt!?
Kevin: Baaabe! You're making me lose the game!
Brittany: <slaps Kevin and walks off screen> Damn it Kevin! You made me break another nail!
Kevin runs to the other end of the court, and Daria ignores him. Jane simply tosses the ball into the hoop.
Mr. Danotinbul: Miss Lane's team won... again!
Kevin: But I tried harder!
Mr. D: If you would throw it instead of trying to dunk it, then you might actually get some points!
Brittany: <walks over> Mr. Danotinbul-
Mr. D: Get it over with!
Brittany: Can I be excused from gym.
Mr. D: What for?
Brittany: I had a horrible injury.
Mr. D: <sigh> What?
Brittany: I broke TWO nails.
Cut to: Commercial, after showing Daria opening the folder in slow motion.
Cut to: Daria and Jane walk over to the girls locker room, but stop shortly before entering.
Daria: Hold on a minute.
Daria: If he doesn't even bother to so much as look at my notes, then I need a new plan to get out of it.
Jane: Don't worry. From what I know about him, he could care less about what you do as long as you're on the winning team in a sport.
Daria: And what about running?
Jane: As long as you're not the last
to cross, you get a passing grade.
Daria: I guess Brittany will actually give me some help... As I said, just shoot me now.
They walk in.
Brittany: Kevin, I think they're in here!
Daria and Jane walk back out.
Jane: I think I'll skip my shower.
Daria: I'm never going to shower again.
Cut to: Various silent scenes, with some type of background music. The scenes are as follows: Kevin throws football; football in air; Brittany dodging out of the football's path and Jane runs by, picks it up, and continues running; Kevin pick up a soccer ball and throws it; Mr. Danotinbul rubs his temples; Daria and Jane walk in to, and back out of, the locker room; Brittany slaps Kevin; Daria, close up, frowns; Brittany cheering, still silently; Kevin hits a baseball with a bat, while holding the wrong end, and runs to third base, then second, as Jane walks over to first with the ball in hand; Mr. Danotinbul rubs temples, again; the four students all lined up in front of a starting line.
Music stops. Mr. Danotinbul walks over.
Mr. D: On your mark...get set...go!
Kevin blasts off and Brittany jogs after him shouting "Kevin! You get back here!". Jane jogs. Daria starts out jogging, but walks after going over a hill.
Cut to: Daria walks past a gasping Brittany who is sitting on a rock.
Brittany: <hoarse voice> Kevin!
Cut to: Jane walks past Kevin, who is behind a tree trying to restuff some toilet paper into his shirt, over his shoulders.
Cut to: Jane jogs past finish line where Mr. Danotinbul waits. Shortly, Daria walks over it. After a few seconds, Kevin, panting, runs by as his shoulder "padding" falls out of the short sleeves. Brittany, fuming, walks angrily past Mr. Danotinbul.
Mr. D: As far as I'm concerned,
Kevin and Brittany have failed!
Jane: Wasn't this supposed to last a full semester?
Mr. D: I could arrange it...
Jane AND Daria: No, thanks.
Kevin: Aw man! I failed gym and now everyone on the team is going to laugh at me!
Brittany: Why didn't you wait for me!
Kevin: <now restuffing his shoulders>
Hold on a minute, babe.
Brittany: If all you care about is your stupid football team, then I don't want to hear from you again!
Kevin: <jogging after her, with one hand in his shirt to hold down the newly restuffed padding> Wait up, babe, I'm almost finished. Then we can go over to the locker room and I can make it up to you!
Jane: So much for showering...
Cut to: Commercial, after showing a slow motion shot of Brittany dodging football.
Cut to: Daria and Jane sit in the pizza restaurant they hang out at.
Daria: You were right about Mr. Danotinbul, and now I know why Kevin failed gym.
Jane: Yeah. I almost feel sorry for those two. They have to retake the course and only one will pass unless both do really good. All because he only passes those in first place.
Daria: Why did you fail gym?
Jane: I didn't get lucky enough to be put on the winning teams, and almost everyone in the class did better than me.
Daria: How'd you end up in the worst three list in the first place?
Jane: I didn't. Mr. Danotinbul thought I lacked enthusiasm.
Cut to: Daria's dining room...and lasagna. Family is sitting at their respective places on the table.
Helen: So, Daria, how's the P.E. class going?
Daria: It's not going, its gone.
Helen: You mean its over already?
Daria: <sarcastically> I know how you feel. I'm still attempting to overcome my grief.
Quinn: Hey, mom.
Helen: Yes, dear?
Quinn: I saw this really cool dress at the mall -er- second-hand clothing store.
Helen: Oh! How much is it?
Daria: Quinn? A second-hand clothing store?
Quinn: It costs sixty-nine ninety-five.
Jake: What! At a second-hand clothing store!
Quinn: Yeah. So, can I get it?
Helen: Sorry, Quinn. I'm afraid that you'll have to wait until your father and I get our paycheck.
Quinn: OK. <walks offscreen>
Daria: I know she's up to something...
Jake: Hey, kiddo! How's P.E. class comin' along?
Cut to: Quinn's room. She pulls out a designer colored binder from her dresser. Inside, there is tracing paper with the numbers one through zero, a felt tip pen, and the names of various clothing related stores. She pulls out a check from her pocket and begins to onto copy it...
Cut to: Quinn walks over to the door. It is now daytime. Helen and Jake are sitting on the couch. Jake is reading a newspaper. Helen is looking over some papers in a folder. Daria walks over to the chair and sits.
Daria: Hey, Quinn. Where are you going.
Quinn: Um.... Emergency fashion club meeting. Bye! <leaves>
Daria: I have a very strong feeling she's lying.
Helen: Why would she do a thing like that?
Daria: Maybe to get a dress...
Jake: Hey, kiddo! How's that gym class of yours going?