This is version three. I added a part of Brittanys story. Thanks to
Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.
(The class of Mr. O'Neill)
Mr. O'Neill: You know, class, I had a talk with Anthony the other day. He seems to be unsatisfied with your knowledge of history. And I told him how I felt about your knowledge of literature.
Jane: (To Daria) Is he telling us that they had an argument over whose students were the dumbest? I wonder who won.
Daria: (To Jane) That's a tough question. They have the same students.
Mr. O'Neill: So I thought, why not bring history and literature together. I want you each to write a story that takes place somewhere in the past with yourself as the main character. And I want you to be careful to get the details right. We don't want any nasty anachronisms do we.
Jane: (To Daria) Is Mr. O'Neill an anachronism?
Daria: (To Jane) I think he's more of a surrealism.
Jane: (To Daria) Hey, I'm the art expert here.
Mr. O'Neill: Jodie, you could write a story about slavery.
Jodie: (Flatly) And why would I want to do that?
Mr. O'Neill: Well, because.... I mean...
Jodie: Is there a special reason I would want to write a story about slavery? Are you implying that I'm different from the other students here?
Mr. O'Neill: (Begins to cry) I've done it again, haven't I? I've damaged you emotionally, haven't I?
Jodie: (Sighs) No, Mr. O'Neill, you haven't.
Mr. O'Neill: (Stops crying) Really? So you'll do a story about slavery?
Jodie: I didn't say that. (Sighs again) Yes I'll do it. Who am I kidding? Don Quixote fought the windmills but his chances were better than mine.
Kevin: The Windmills. I've never heard of them. Is that a football team?
Mr. O'Neill: (Begins to cry) It's happening again.
Jodie: I'd be more than happy to tell you more about them, Kevin. Maybe we can meet after school for a glass of drain cleaner.
Brittany: What's that? Kevin, you're not *cheating* on me with Jodie are you?
(Mack laughs)
Kevin: But, babe, I'd never cheat on you.
(The other students laugh)
Brittany: (Shakes her fists) Uuuuuuh.
Jane: Mr. O'Neill, if we're to use ourselves as the main character in our stories, is it okay to use people we know like parents and classmates in other roles?
Mr. O'Neill: (Stops crying) I see no problem there.
Jane: But if we let a fellow classmate be in our story, can we ask him or her for help to represent him or her correctly?
Mr. O'Neill: Yes, that would seem only fair.
Daria: (To Jane) Did I just get enlisted to help you write your story?
Jane: (To Daria) You don't want me to represent you incorrectly, do you? Besides, I need you to help me with stuff like years and people and places.
Daria: (To Jane) You could just ask, you know.
Jane: (To Daria) Yeah but I like it better when people help me because
they have to.
(Later that day, during lunch. The fashion club are sitting at their fashionable table. Stacy is writing on her fashionable notepad)
Sandi: So *then* he comes to pick me up. But now he's, like, driving a *Dodge*.
Quinn: Oh, no.
Tiffany: Gosh.
Sandi: And I ask what about the *Mercedes* he drove earlier. But he said his dad had it so he took his own car instead. And then he starts *talking* about how his car has got nothing to do with the way he feels about me. I mean, like, hello, do *you* even have a clue or something?!
Quinn: How lame.
Tiffany: How pathetic.
Sandi: I tell you, I've never gotten rid of a date that fast. Didn't the same thing happen to you once, Stacy? (pause) Stacy? (pause) STACY!
Stacy: Eeep! Uhm, what?
Sandi: What're you doing?
Stacy: Uhm, the assignment Mr. O'Neill gave us.
Quinn: You're doing it now? But it's not due before Friday.
Stacy: Well, I think it's fun to write a story about myself living in the past. And it's real easy. You just have to get the details right. But I guess you guys probably need more time.
Sandi: Are you suggesting you're *smarter* than me.
Stacy: Eeep!
Sand: Because you *aren't*. I'll probably have my story finished today as well.
Quinn: (Takes out her fashionable notepad) What a coincidence. So will I.
Sandi: (Takes out her more fashionable notepad) Sooo, Quinn, what'll *your* story be about?
Quinn: I haven't decided yet. But it'll take place in medieval times. (Starts writing).
(Quinn's story: Sandi is lying in bed, she appears to be dying from the plague)
(Cut to present)
Stacy: When in medieval times?
Quinn: Uhm, I don't know. During the 30 year war.
Stacy: But that was later. You're probably thinking about the 100 year war.
Quinn: Whatever. Oh, and maybe I'll let it take place during the crusade.
Stacy: Which one? There were five crusades.
Sandi: Gee, *Quinn*. You don't know much about history, do you? I'm not sure we can have someone as *ignorant* as you in the fashion club.
Quinn: But, Sandi... (pause) What's your story about by the way?
Sandi: I haven't decided either. But it takes place in imperial Rome. (Writes something on her notepad).
(Sandi's story: Quinn , a slave, is being whipped)
(Cut to present)
Quinn: When?
Sandi: Uhm, during the punic war.
Stacy: That's not imperial. At the time of the punic wars, Rome was still a republic. And which punic war? There were three of those.
(Quinn smiles)
Sandi: Since you know so much about history, *Stacy*, maybe you could help me with my story. Then Quinn can do it with Tiffany.
Tiffany: Yeah, Quinn, I guess we could help each other. But how can we write a story in the past? I mean, now is the present, isn't it?
Quinn: (Frightened at the prospect of working with Tiffany) Uhm. You know, maybe I'll just do it alone.
Sandi: Do it alone, Quinn? I hope that's not a *problem* for you.
Quinn: Of course that's not a problem for me, Sandi. (voiceover) Damn.
Now I have to ask Daria for help again. She'll rob me of everything I own.
(Later that day in Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed. She's reading Watership Down by Richard Adams. There is a knock on her door)
Daria: Enter by your own free will.
(Quinn walks in)
Daria: Quinn? How did you get in here?
Quinn: (Looks at the door, then back at Daria, confused) What do you mean?
Daria: (Gets up, starts examining the floor) There we have it. My protective circle got destroyed last time I cleaned the floor. Now I'll have to draw a new one.
Quinn: Oh, ha, ha, very funny. Look I, uhm, sort of need your help.
Daria: Would that be with the assignment from Mr. O'Neill? He mentioned something about giving it to all his classes.
Quinn: Exactly.
Daria: What can I say other than that you've come to the right place. But it's going to cost you.
Quinn: Figures. How about 15?
Daria: How about you selling all your clothes and giving me the money?
Quinn: Just tell me how much you want.
Daria: Thirty-five.
Quinn: But you only wanted 30 the last time.
Daria: What can I say? Inflation, you know.
Quinn: (Sends Daria a dirty look) Fine. Now come with me.
Daria: Now? You usually do your homework the day before you hand it in.
Quinn: I know, but I want to finish it before Sandi... uh, I mean, I
want to be one of the first to finish it.
(Quinn's room)
Quinn: My story takes place in medieval times. It's your job to tell me every time I've got something wrong.
Daria: Can I call and cancel my vacation first?
Quinn: Hey, I'm paying you for this.
Daria: Read on.
(Quinn's story. It takes place in France in the year 1100 - the time of the first crusade. Lady Quinn is standing in the tower of her castle)
Quinn: I hope dad comes back from the crusade unharmed.
(Cut to present)
Daria: Not your dad. It'll be your husband. You're 16 years old. Back then some girls got married at age 12.
Quinn: Eeew! Fine then, my husband. Let's see... Knight Jeffy or Knight Joey or Knight Jerry or maybe Knight the cute guy I went out with last week. Hmmm, what was his name again?
Daria: I don't have time to hear about all your dates. Your deadline is in four days.
Quinn: (Sends Daria a dirty look) Fine. I'm married to Knight Joey. Can I be member of a fashion club?
Daria: No, but the other girls can be your fashionable maids.
Quinn: Fine by me.
(Later in Quinn's story. Quinn and her maids are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a bear attacks Sandi and eats her)
(Cut to present)
Daria: Hold it. You can't go hunting. You're a girl.
Quinn: I get the feeling the men in those days were rather sexist.
Daria: Are you kidding? In the unlikely event you ever develop a taste in literature, you should try reading "The Name of the Rose".
Quinn: Whatever. But Sandi can still get eaten by a bear, right?
Daria: I've no problem with that. I think all girls like Sandi should be eaten by bears. You know, the kind of girls who only thinks about fashion and boys.
Quinn: Hey!
(Later in Quinn's story. Quinn is having dinner. Stacy and Tiffany, are serving her. She is having...)
(Cut to present)
Quinn: What did people eat back then?
Daria: Let's see... How about lamb with pepper sauce and beans?
Quinn: Beans? Can't I have potatoes instead?
Daria: No potatoes, that's an anachronism.
Quinn: A what?
Daria: Something that doesn't fit into that era. Potatoes come from America.
Quinn: Soooo an anachronism is, like, if you went to a 60's party, and someone came wearing modern clothes.
Daria: Uhm. Something like that. Read on.
(Even later in Quinn's story. Quinn steps into a tent where Daria, who is a blind fortune teller, is sitting behind a crystal ball)
Quinn: Can you tell me how my husband is?
(Cut to present)
Daria: Anachronism. There weren't any crystal balls back then.
Quinn: But you can still be a blind fortune teller, can't you?
Daria: If you want me to be in your story, that's fine. But not as a fortune teller please. I'm not superstitious.
Quinn: Since Mr. O'Neill is the only one who gets to see it, I guess you can be my blind sister whom I ask for advice.
Daria: I am not blind, you know. I just don't see very well without my glasses.
Quinn: But they didn't have glasses back then, did they? It would be an anachronism.
Daria: So you actually do learn something in school. But what am I doing in your castle?
Quinn: You have to live with me since you can't get married being blind and all.
Daria: I suddenly feel a desire to hurt you.
Quinn: Okay, okay! You can be married to Knight Trent who is also on the crusade.
Daria: Why am I married to Trent? And where do you get this stuff from anyhow?
Quinn: Come on, Daria. Remember when Trent was staying here because all of his relatives came home? I saw how you undressed him with your eyes.
Daria: Quinn, will you accept some sisterly advice?
Quinn: Whatever.
Daria: Tonight... when it's dark... before you go to sleep... when you're all alone... you should barricade your door from the inside.
Quinn: (Laughs nervously) Can we get on with the story?
(Again, Quinn's story. Knight Joey comes back from the crusade)
Joey: Fair and wondrous Quinn! I'm back at last! And I've brought you many gifts of silk and beautiful clothes.
(The story ends)
Quinn: That's it. Isn't it romantic to have Joey bring me lots of clothes and stuff from Jerusalem?
Daria: Very. That is, if your maids can remove the blood of the previous owners.
Quinn: Do you think I'll pass?
Daria: Its okay. I don't see any problems with it.
Quinn: I was wondering... (pause) But you don't know anything about clothes.
Daria: No. That's why I walk to school naked.
Quinn: Oh, ha, ha, Daria. What I wanted to ask you was if you've any idea what clothes will be like in the future.
Daria: No. I haven't given that much thought.
Quinn: Uhm. That stuff about me barricading my door. You were just joking, right?
Daria: (Stands and leaves) No, Quinn. Tonight, Quinn. In your sleep, Quinn.
Quinn: Nnnn.
(That evening. Quinn is in her room. She is pushing her desk in front of the door)
Quinn: (To herself) There we are.
(The door to Quinn's closet opens. Daria, who has been hiding in it, steps out)
Daria: Need any help?
Quinn: No, I'm done. AAAAAAAH!!
Daria: In other words, you can't escape. Did you know that in most of medieval times the use of torture was considered perfectly normal? In fact, it was often used as a form of entertainment.
Quinn: MOM, DAD! HELP ME!!
Daria: And just how're they supposed to do that? You just barricaded your door, remember? (voiceover) That's strange, I'm not enjoying this as much as I used to. I hope that doesn't mean I'm getting soft. I should twist her arms to find out. (outloud) Do you have some rope? I need to turn your bed into a rack.
Quinn: HELP!! HELP!!!
Daria: Was that a no? I guess I'll just have to improvise then. (voiceover)
No, I'm not getting soft at all.
(Next morning. The Morgendorffer's are having breakfast. Quinn looks angry)
Jake: Is everything fine, Quinn? I heard some strange noises coming from your room last night.
Daria: She was probably just having a bad dream. Hand me the orange juice will you, Quinn. (Smirks) That is, if your arms are long enough.
(Quinn fumes)
(At Lawndale High. Kevin and Brittany are arguing. Daria and Jodie are within hearing range)
Jodie: I'm thinking about putting you in my story. I hope you don't mind.
Daria: Depends. Am I a slave?
Jodie: No. But I was wondering if you wanted to help me with it.
Daria: Since when do you need help?
Jodie: I want my story to be about the actual trade. And you probably know more about that than I do. Come on, you don't want me to represent you incorrectly, do you?
Daria: You're not the first one to tell me that.
(Brittany and Kevin walk up to them, still arguing)
Brittany: And just why *can't* I do a story where I fight in Vietnam?
Kevin: But, babe, you're a *girl*. You can't be a soldier. It's just like you can't be a football player. You have to do a story where you do girly things. I mean, I couldn't do a story where I was a cheerleader.
Daria: (To Jodie) He could wear drag.
Jodie: (To Daria) With his shoulder pads? That'd be an interesting sight.
Daria: (To Jodie) One, I hope, I'll never see.
Brittany: I'll let you know women can be soldiers just as well as men, Kevy! If we started the war again, we'd win this time if there were female soldiers.
Jodie: (To Daria) Should we be proud of Brittany for standing up for equal rights - or should we be concerned that she wants us to go to war?
Daria: (To Jodie) I don't know. Wars have been started for worse reasons than that.
Kevin: Oh yeah? Well it's like, like, like if you had a football game with female players and nobody wanted to see it.
Brittany: (Shakes her fists) Uuuuuuh! (walks over to Daria) Daria, you know history and stuff, don't you?
Daria: Some of it.
Brittany: Can you come with me after school and help me with the assignment Mr. O'Neill gave us?
Daria: I'd love to, Brittany, but unfortunately I've got to go over to Jodie's and help her.
Jodie: But I don't have time today. I've a meeting.
Brittany: So you *can* come. Great! I'll pick you up after school. (leaves).
(Daria glares at Jodie)
Jodie: I said something wrong, didn't I.
Daria: You just condemned me to endure hours of company with Brittany, and you ask if you said something wrong.
Jodie: You can help me tomorrow. Besides, how bad could it be?
Daria: I can't wait to find out.
(Later that day in Brittany's room)
Brittany: My story takes place during the Vietnam war, because I simply love guerilla warfare.
Daria: More than the people doing it no doubt.
Brittany: I'm really good at it too, you know.
Daria: Yes, I understand you gave quite an impressive performance during the paint ball exercise.
Brittany: What's *your* story about?
Daria: I haven't done mine yet. I don't write very well when I'm sitting in my sister's closet.
Brittany: (Confused) Uhm...
Daria: Now you wanted me to hear you story.
(Brittany's story. It's a dark and stormy night in the year 1969. Brittany is sitting alone in a room lit only by candlelight. She is reading a letter from the army. She is crying, and her tears fall on the paper)
(Cut to present)
Daria: (Voiceover) If I have to listen to any more of this I'll go insane. I've got to get out of here. So what if she gets a "D"? She's used to that. Sigh. (outloud) Maybe you should just give me the outline. I don't really need to hear your story to help you.
Brittany: Wow, you *are* smart. My story is about how Kevin is fighting in Vietnam and gets taken prisoner. And how I disguise myself as a boy, join the army and go to Vietnam myself to find him. (her voice gets angry) But then I find out how Kevin has been cheating on me with hundreds of Vietnamese prostitutes. And after I free him from the prison camp, (makes hitting motions with her arms) I take my gun and I hit him and hit him, and hit him... Uhm, but then you stop me, and me and Kevin get back together again.
Daria: Me? What am I doing in Vietnam?
Brittany: You're a reporter I meet down there. And it's strange because at first we don't really like each other. But later we like each other.
Daria: (Voiceover) Daria fights her conscience and loses. As punishment, she must spend the rest of the day with Brittany. (outloud) There are some parts of your story I think you should change.
Brittany: Oh? What parts?
Daria: All of them.
(Brittany's new story)
(Somewhere in the Vietnamese jungle. Daria is sitting up against a tree. Brittany is standing next to her. They are wearing a combination of military and civilian clothes. Brittany has a camera around her neck. Behind them is a helicopter wreckage)
Brittany: I don't understand how we could get shot down. The reason we got sent here was to tell the folks back home that the army had succeeded in clearing this part of the jungle of any VC activity.
Daria: They also said the war would be over soon, and that was years ago. (pause) The pilot?
Brittany: Dead.
Daria: The radio?
Brittany: Same. How do you feel?
Daria: I don't feel any pain.
Brittany: Good.
Daria: (Completely stoic) Maybe it has something to do with not being able to feel my legs.
Brittany: Oh, no.
Daria: The VC will try to find the crash-site. They'll get here before our guys. You've got to get out of here. Head west. You'll get to the river where you can hail a patrol boat. The VC will follow your trail. But if you move fast enough, you might make it.
Brittany: But what about you?
Daria: Leave me.
Brittany: Leave you? But the VC...
Daria: Brittany - there really isn't any other way.
Brittany: I... I can't, Daria. I'll take you with me. I can carry you on my back.
Daria: You want to outrun the VC while carrying me on your back?
Brittany: I can do it.
Daria: (Smiles) I'm thirsty. Could you see if there's some water in the wreckage.
Brittany: Sure.
(Brittany walks over to the wreckage and starts searching it. Suddenly she hears a gunshot, she runs back. She finds Daria with a gun in her hand. The back of her head is missing)
Brittany: Daria! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
(Cut to present)
Brittany: Are you sure this is the way it should happen?
Daria: Absolutely. I've always wanted to go out with a big bang.
(Brittany looks completely shocked)
Daria: Brittany, that was a joke. I promise. (voiceover) What am I thinking? I can't talk to her like I talk to Jane.
(Much later)
Brittany: There. That's the final page. And you're sure my story is better now? I think it's sad Kevin gets killed but I guess he deserves it for cheating on me with all those prostitutes.
Daria: It's better this way. Trust me on this.
Brittany: Would you like some ice cream?
Daria: How can I say no to that.
(Brittany and Daria are eating ice cream)
Brittany: Uhm, Daria. About the Vietnam war. Is it true it was controversial?
Daria: (Voiceover) Must not bite the hand that feeds me. (outloud) There was some controversy over it, yes. Some people even thought the war was unjust.
Brittany: But it couldn't have been. We would never fight an unjust war. (pause) Would we?
Daria: (Voiceover) Let's see. If you don't want to answer a question. Answer it *with* a question. (outloud) How is it that you know so much about guerilla warfare?
Brittany: I guess it's like you're good at saying brainy things, and I'm good at guerilla warfare and cheerleading. I mean you could never be a cheerleader.
Daria: (Deadpan) I'll take that as a compliment.
Brittany: No, you would really suck at it.
Daria: I understand.
Brittany: I don't think you could be a cheerleader if your life depended on it.
Daria: Thanks, Brittany. I think I get the picture.
Brittany: Daria, do you think there will always be wars?
Daria: I suppose so, but I haven't really thought about it much.
(Next day at Lawndale High. Jane and Daria are having lunch)
Jane: You don't look so good. Didn't sleep well?
Daria: No. I had a weird dream. I was fighting in Vietnam together with Brittany.
Jane: Interesting. Was I in your dream?
Daria: Yeah. You got killed. That's when I knew it wasn't a nightmare.
Jane: Hostile at 12 o'clock. Are you ready to help me with my story?
Daria: Always. I'll probably be late. I have to help Jodie first.
(Later in Jodie's room)
Jodie: I think I've got it now. Ready to hear it?
Daria: As ready as I'll ever be.
(Jodie's story. Jodie's father Andrew is an African king. Jodie walks into his hut)
Jodie: You wanted to see me, father.
Andrew: (looks at Jodie) Are you pregnant, daughter?
Jodie: No, dad.
Andrew: You know, it's not normal for a girl your age not to have any children. Maybe there's something wrong with the man I found you.
Jodie: I'm happy with Mack. And I do have children, dad. I have two girls.
Andrew: Yeah, but girls don't really count, do they. Anyhow I just got informed that a Portuguese ship has been sighted. It could be the one with my new guns. I've decided to visit the Portuguese fortress. Since you speak their language, you'll be my interpreter.
Jodie: You know, the last time you went there they tried to make you a Christian.
Andrew: (Laughs) There's no danger I'll become one. They have a very silly religion. Something about someone coming back from the dead.
Jodie: But we worship the sun, don't we. And just outside town there's a snake cult.
Andrew: What has that got to do with anything?
Jodie: Oh, nothing.
(Cut to present)
Daria: Aren't you a little hard on your dad?
Jodie: (Firm) No.
(Jodie's story. A Portuguese ship outside the cost off Africa. Quinn and Daria are sitting in a small cabin)
Quinn: What's all that yelling about?
Daria: I guess we finally arrived. At last we can get out of this place.
Quinn: To think dad would lock us in our cabin. We only get to leave it in his company.
Daria: He's worried about us. And who can blame him? The sailors haven't been with a woman since the ship left Lisbon. But that should change soon. When we arrive the sailors will spend the next couple of days in booze and prostitutes.
Quinn: And then the sailors will go catch some slaves.
Daria: You thought we were going to catch them ourselves? No, the captain told me about it. Africa is divided up between different tribes who often wage war on one another. This part of Africa is under the control of King Andrew. Dad is selling him guns which King Andrew uses to wage war and to take prisoners whom he then sells to dad as slaves. Dad takes the slaves to Brazil and sells them there. He then uses the money he earns to set up a new business and marries the two of us off in the process to the sons of his future associates.
(A couple of days later at the fortress. A crowd of Portuguese and Africans are gathered)
Quinn: These people are almost naked. Are they heathens?
Daria: Just because they don't spend much money on clothes doesn't make them heathens.
Quinn: But they are heathens, aren't they?
Daria: Yes. But probably not for much longer. Remember, only three things in life are certain: death, taxes and Jesuits.
Jodie walks over to Quinn and Daria.
Quinn: That girl is coming towards us. She's hardly wearing any clothes. I can see her breasts.
Daria: Good for her. I wouldn't mind getting rid of this dress. It feels like an oven out here.
Quinn: (Shocked at this) I'm not going to stay here with you if you're so vulgar. I'll be with dad from now on. (tries to leave but Daria grabs her arm).
Daria: You're being impolite.
(Cut to present)
Daria: I'd never try to prevent my sister from leaving me, you know.
Jodie: Uhm. Maybe being locked in a small cabin with her has made you go crazy.
(Back to the story)
Jodie: Greetings. I am Jodie, the king's daughter.
Daria: You speak Portuguese. I mean, my name is Daria. This is my sister, Quinn. We're the daughters of one of the merchants.
Jodie: My father uses me as a translator. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions.
Daria: Ask away.
Jodie: Why are you buying slaves from my father?
Daria: For some reason the Indians in America have no resistance to our diseases. As a result of this their mortality rate is so high that they die off faster than they can be replaced. So now we've begun using African slaves instead.
Jodie: Indians? But you're sailing west. India is to the east.
Daria: Long story. The guy who found America thought it was India. But I suppose no sane person would ever undertake such a voyage.
Quinn: (Interrupts) All that screaming we heard earlier. What was that?
Jodie: Some criminal. He got eaten by ants.
Quinn: You let people get eaten by ants? But that's barbaric.
Daria: Yes, we're far more advanced. We use the spanish boot, the iron maiden, and we burn people alive.
Quinn: There you go again, Daria. You know perfectly well that the Inquisition only tortures and burns people because they have to.
(Next day. Daria and Quinn walking around below deck on their ship)
Daria: So now that the cargo bay is empty, the carpenters have begun to install shelves.
Quinn: What're the shelves for?
Daria: This is where the slaves'll lay. Three stories high. They'll be chained to each other by the neck.
Quinn: Isn't that impractical? I mean, when they have to go to the toilet?
Daria: They won't be going to the toilet.
Quinn: But then the slaves on the bottom shelves... You mean, they'll... Eeew!
Daria: That's right, eeew. The slaves will be brought up on deck from time to time and have sea water poured over them.
Quinn: Is that safe? I mean, won't they try to rebel?
Daria: I doubt they'll give us much trouble. They've no weapons, and Jodie, the king's daughter, told me that some of the slaves think white people are demons. She said that when we had dinner one of the slaves who saw us eat thought the wine was blood and that the cheese was brain.
Quinn: Will we take any female slaves on board as well?
Daria: About 200 I think. They'll be put in a room for themselves.
Quinn: Then maybe the sailors will finally stop raping Upchuck the cabin boy. Sometimes at night I can hear him scream.
(Cut to present)
Daria: I think, I like this part.
Jodie: Thought so.
(Back to the story. Jodie is talking with her father, King Andrew)
Jodie: Dad, you know the daughter of one of the merchants - Daria?
Andrew: What about her?
Jodie: I've been talking to her. She told me they're sailing to a place called Brazil in South America.
Andrew: And?
Jodie: Apparently there used to be a mighty empire in South America of people called the Incas. But they were completely defeated by the Spaniards who also destroyed another empire in North America of people called the Aztec. Now all of the Americas is coming under European control. (pause) Dad, what if the same thing happens here? I asked Daria about it. She thinks the Europeans will stop at nothing. That they won't rest until all of Africa is under their control.
Andrew: Calm yourself, daughter. I am not so stupid as to actually trust these Portuguese, but all they have are some fortresses along the cost. The inner country is under my control. I need to do business with them to get guns to fight my neighbors.
Jodie: But your neighbors are doing the same kind of business with the French. What if instead of waging war on your neighbors you made an alliance with them? We could then throw the Europeans back into the see.
Andrew: Make peace with my neighbors?! Never!! Daughter, you are much too pessimistic. Surely I am far more powerful than these Incas and Aztec. Trust me, Africa will never come under the control of the Europeans.
Jodie: I hope you're right, dad.
(Meanwhile at the fortress. Quinn is sitting in a room. Daria comes in)
Daria: What is it, Quinn? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Quinn: Dad took me to the slave market today. There was a woman, and they took her child away from her. She screamed and screamed. And there was this place where they burned letters into the slaves backsides like they were cattle. And there was this slave who tried to escape and they, they... (sobs)
Daria: Quinn you didn't have to go, you know. And what did you think a slave marked looked like anyhow?
Quinn: I mean, we are Catholic Christians, right?
Daria: Jesus might have a thing or two to say about the Christian part. But I suppose so, yes.
Quinn: But I don't think Christians are supposed to do stuff like this. How can the pope allow this to happen?
Daria: Maybe someday he won't. That's when there's no more money to be made from it. But it's not like trading in black slaves is new stuff. The Egyptians did it, the Romans did it, the Arabs are doing it. We Portuguese only started doing it recently.
Quinn: But it's wrong. There should be a stop to it.
Daria: Yes, and maybe someday there'll be a stop to how women are treated as well.
Quinn: What do you mean?
Daria: We're not slaves, but that doesn't mean we are free. Our dad is taking us to Brazil to make us marry some guys we've never even seen. Is that freedom? At least I hope this Trent guy who dad promised me to is handsome.
(Cut to present)
Daria: Hold it right there. Am I the victim of a conspiracy or what? How do you know about Trent? That is, if there's something to know.
Jodie: (Voiceover) Uh-oh (outloud) I heard he was you boyfriend. Didn't you tell me he was?
Daria: No.
Jodie: Then I can't remember who told me. Anyhow that's pretty much the whole story. We meet one more time to say goodbye. And you sail off to Brazil. Do you like it?
Daria: Yeah, I like it. I think I'd better get going. I have to pay Jane a visit.
Jodie: How's your own story coming along?
Daria: I haven't done it yet. For some reason I had to spend all of my time yesterday with Brittany.
Jodie: Uhm. Daria? About slavery. Do you think it'll ever stop? Or that innocent people will always run the risk of being forced to do work against their will?
Daria: Like the assignment Mr. O'Neill gave us you mean?
(Daria leaves. Jodie calls Jane on the phone. Split screen between Jodie and Jane)
Jane: Yo.
Jodie: Hi, Jane, it's Jodie.
Jane: Hi, Jodie. What's up?
Jodie: Do you remember when you told me Daria was in love with your brother?
Jane: Yeah.
Jodie: And you also told me that if Daria found out you told me, she'd kill you.
Jane: I'm not so sure I like where this conversation is going.
Jodie: Uhm, she sort of found out I knew. And when she asked me, I pretended not to remember, but I'm not sure she believed me. Because she said something about going over to your place.
Jane: If you don't see me in school tomorrow, call the cops.
(Daria enters the Lane residence. She meets Trent who is drinking coffee)
Daria: Hi, Trent.
Trent: Hi, Daria. Sit down and have a cup of coffee. Jane's around here somewhere -- I was just leaving.
Daria: (Sits down at the table) Where to? Not that it's any of my business.
Trent: I'm going over to Monique's.
Daria: (Dejected) Oh.
Trent: To break up with her again.
Daria: I see.
Trent: Yeah, and now I've no date for Saturday.
Daria: (Hopeful) Really?
Trent: You know, Daria, it's a shame you're still in high school. Otherwise, I could ask you out.
Daria: (Flatly) You don't say.
Trent: See you later.
(Trent leaves, Daria bangs her head into the table, Jane comes into the kitchen)
Jane: Be careful with that. It's our best table.
Daria: You heard everything, didn't you?
Jane: Guilty.
Daria: And you're the one who told Jodie about my crush on Trent, aren't you?
Jane: Guilty.
Daria: You have any famous last words?
Jane: If you kill me you can't help me with my story.
Daria: Go on.
Jane: And I thought maybe we could watch some videos afterwards. I just got "Martians go home" and "Meet the Feebles".
Daria: Go on.
Jane: My mom sold some vases to a woman who has a home brewery. She paid her with a keg. Maybe you'd like a taste?
Daria: Hmmmm. Fine for now. I'll postpone your execution for later.
(Jane's story. The story takes place in an apartment in Berlin in 1936. Jane, Amanda and Vince are having dinner. Amanda is crying)
Amanda: They took him! (sob) My baby is gone.
Vince: He didn't get taken, dear. Trent got drafted. He's not gone, he's in the army.
Jane: But I can understand why you find that difficult to believe.
Vince: Trent will be fine. I was in the army, I fought in the great war and survived. And we aren't even at war.
Jane: Not *yet*, you mean.
Vince: Now, Jane. I'm sure the Nazis have no plans to start a war.
Jane: Sure, dad, and Wagner is still alive.
Vince: I don't like the Nazis any more than you do. But you have to admit they've done great things for Germany. Take unemployment -- it's gone.
Jane: As is free speech. And everyone is afraid now. When Summer came to visit us, and her kids ran away, the whole block helped us search for them. But when our neighbor Mandelbaum disappeared, nobody said a word about it. Like he never even existed.
Amanda: Perhaps he moved to Hungary. He has family there.
Jane: Sure, and those people walking on the stairs the night he disappeared only wanted to help him with his furniture.
Vince: Can we talk about something else please.
Jane: You can tell us one of your war stories.
Vince: Why not? Do you want to hear about the time I saw the Hindenburg?
Jane: Nah. How about the one about your army buddy who saved your life. What was his name again? Wittgenstein?
(Vince and Amanda look at Jane)
Jane: What?
(Later in Jane's room. Jane is painting a picture of a colonel sitting on a horse. Daria comes in. She has an empty stare behind her glasses. She walks over and sits on Jane's bed)
Jane: Yo.
Daria: (Flatly) Yo
Jane: Are you okay, Daria? You smell of smoke.
Daria: I burned them.
Jane: You burned what?
Daria: My illegal books. I had to burn them myself. Otherwise my parents might have burned all my books and not just the illegal ones.
Jane: You didn't.
Daria: One of mom's friends got arrested for possession. She got scared the same thing could happen to me. She demanded I get rid of them. Damn Nazis. I know the Weimar republic was rotten to the core, but you can't convince me Germany has become a better place to live since they took over.
Jane: I won't try to. They have a terrible taste in art. All they want is the naturalistic style. I want to paint what I want dammit! But as my dad likes to say, it could be worse. At least it's not as bad here as in Russia. Over there it seems like all they're allowed to paint are pictures of Stalin and workers with idiotic grins on their faces.
Daria: You're mistaken. The reason you have more artistic freedom is not that the Nazis are more liberal, rather that their regime is still young. But speaking of Nazis. What's that thing you're painting?
Jane: Some Nazi colonel. I had to take 30 kilos of his bodyweight otherwise it'd be animal abuse. He also wants me to paint his family tree.
Daria: Why do you do stuff like that?
Jane: Money. And it means I can buy art supplies without arousing suspicion. At day I am Jane, loyal artist of the regime. At night I am Jane, Lord of Surrealism.
Daria: I thought Dali was Lord of Surrealism.
Jane: I am better than Dali.
(Cut to present)
Daria: You know those kids taking self esteem class? Maybe you could sell parts of your ego to them.
Jane: Silence! The lord commands you.
(Back to Jane's story)
Jane: This guy in the picture is really something. I suspect he might have jew in his family tree somewhere because part of it's definitely a fake. But that's not the worst. Look, you didn't hear this from me, okay?
Daria: If you say so. Is it small boys?
Jane: Not this time. Supposedly this guy believes in Odin. I heard he's got a shrine in his basement where he performs heathen rituals.
Daria: Nice. So what do you paint at night?
Jane: (Takes out a painting that was hidden behind some other paintings) I just finished this.
(The painting is of a woman in a simple white dress. She has her hair tied under her chin to make it looks like a beard. She holds an amphora in her hands and is spilling wine on the ground)
Daria: Lets see. A woman with her hair made to look like a beard. That's a reference to the myth of how the Longobards got their name. We're way back in Germany's past here.
Jane: The woman is a reference to Germany's past. Correct.
Daria: She's wearing a white dress. A symbol of innocence.
Jane: The dress means nothing. It's just that it takes forever to paint a nude body.
Daria: The woman is spilling wine on the ground. Some sort of sacrifice.
Jane: You're way out of line here.
Daria: The amphora is the key, right?
Jane: You're getting closer.
Daria: Let's see. The Romans used amphoras.
Jane: Closer.
Daria: They had a saying. In whine there is truth.
Jane: Very close.
Daria: Your picture is saying that the truth about our past is being distorted. A reference to our present rulers no doubt.
Jane: Congratulations!
Daria: This picture could get you thrown in jail, you know.
Jane: Like any of them would ever figure out what it means.
Daria: Don't underestimate them. They're not all like that guy on the horse. Last summer my dad got invited to a party ball by one of his clients. He brought me along with him because mom was sick. I got introduced to some party hot shot by the name of Reinhard Heydrich. I tell you, I've never met anyone so cold. He really scared me.
Jane: Come on. How bad could he be?
Daria: The worst. I tell you. I see no hope for Germany anymore. I have the feeling like we're all being swallowed by darkness, and there's nothing I can do about it. When I go to sleep, sometimes I dream of drowning.
Jane: Oh boy, this is bad. (sits down next to Daria) Come on.
Daria: What are you talking about.
Jane: Hug.
Daria: No way.
Jane: Hug.
Daria: I don't like to hug.
Jane: Hug and that's an order.
Daria: Okay, but only because you say so. (Daria hugs Jane)
(Cut to present)
Daria: I'm not sure I like this part of your story.
Jane: I figured it would get better if I added a human angle to it. You think I'm representing you incorrectly perhaps?
Daria: Very.
Jane: I don't think so. You're just like a crab. Hard on the outside but soft on the inside.
Daria: Maybe your head is soft too. Can I borrow a hammer to find out?
Jane: But I need it to open the keg.
(Jane and Daria are watching videos and drinking beer)
Jane: About my story. Do you think people will always be persecuted for being different?
Daria: I don't know. It's funny. Quinn, Jodie and Brittany also asked me questions about the future. Maybe I should write a story about it.
Jane: An SF you mean? Too bad our stories have to take place in the past.
Daria: Maybe I can change that. (Tries to stand up but is having difficulties doing so) This beer we've been drinking. Just how strong is it?
Jane: Come to think of it, I've no idea.
(Quinn is being driven home by her date)
Doug: You know, Quinn, I'm afraid it'll be awhile before I can afford taking you out again.
Quinn: That's okay. It's probably better if we took a pause in our relationship. You know, see other people.
Doug: But we can go out again in the future, right?
Quinn: Sure, Doug. But maybe you should take a job in the meantime.
(They drive past Daria)
Doug: Wasn't that your sister we just passed?
Quinn: (Laughs nervously) Actually she's not really ...
Doug: She walked like she was drunk or something.
Quinn: (Contemplates this) She did... Doug?
Doug: Yes?
Quinn: Step on it.
(Next day. The Morgendorffer's are having breakfast. Daria doesn't look too good)
Jake: Is something wrong, Daria. You came home late last night. And you look like you've got a hangover.
Helen: Don't be ridiculous, Jake. Daria would never get drunk, not when she had to go to school the next day. She's much too responsible. Aren't you, Daria.
Daria: Yes, mom.
Quinn: (Smirks) Thanks for lending me your camcorder, dad.
Jake: Don't mention it. But I don't even recall lending you my camcorder.
Quinn: I needed it for my class in biology. We had to make a movie of a young bird coming home to the nest. It had trouble flying in a straight line, but it made it at last.
Jake: Good for it.
(Daria gets a look of complete surprise on her face)
(Later. Quinn and Daria are walking to school)
Daria: How much?
Quinn: This is going to cost you. Now if you sold all your books...
Daria: There are two things you should know. First of all, blackmailing your sister is wrong. Secondly you might need my help with your schoolwork in the future.
Quinn: Okay. Let's just say the assignment you helped me with was on the house.
Daria: Deal.
Quinn: Oh, and another thing. Your left arm looks a little bent. Could you put it behind your back? I think I can help you straighten it out.
Daria: You'll go to hell for this, you know.
Quinn: Not if the protective circle on your floor remains intact.
Daria: Touché Quinn.
(Later that day. Daria talks to Mr. O'Neill)
Daria: Mr. O'Neill?
Mr. O'Neill: Yes, Daria?
Daria: This assignment you gave us has made me think about all the problems we humans have, and if we'll ever solve them. If it's okay with you, I'd like to have my story take place in the future.
Mr. O'Neill: (Startled) You mean you haven't done it yet? But it's due tomorrow.
Daria: (Voiceover) I haven't had time to do it, because I've had to help everyone else with theirs. (outloud) Writers block. But if you'd allow me to do a science fiction, I believe I'll become unblocked. You don't want to limit my potential do you?
Mr. O'Neill: No, of course not, Daria. It's just that I've always considered science fiction as kind of, well, childish.
Daria: (Voiceover) Must not kill. Will get life. (outloud) Some of it's rather good. Like "Ender's Game", "Dune" or "Foundation". (Daria massages her left wrist)
Mr. O'Neill: I haven't read those. Very well, Daria. But only because it's you. Say, is there something wrong with your arm?
Daria: Sibling rivalry. Don't ask.
Mr. O'Neill: Sibling? That would be... uhm.
Daria: Quinn. But I can understand if you find it hard to remember. We have a very ordinary last name you know.
Mr. O'Neill: Well, as long as you love each other.
Daria: Why do you think we love each other?
Mr. O'Neill: You mean you don't? But surely you don't hate her, do you?
Daria: I don't hate her. I just wish she'd never been born. There's a difference.
Mr. O'Neill: (Starts crying) But that's a terrible thing to say. To think that you, of all my students, would have such emotions.
Daria: Uhm. See you tomorrow.
(Daria's story. It takes place in the not-too-distant future, somewhere in space. A giant space station is surrounded by thousands of ships. For a moment the space next to the station become distorted, and a ship appears out of nowhere. It docks at the space station)
(Cut to the inside of the space station. The passengers are coming on board. Among them are futuristic Helen, Jake and Quinn)
Quinn: Time for something a little more casual.
(For a moment Quinn's clothes appears to become liquid. They change form and colors before solidifying)
Quinn: Can you believe in the old days before nanotechnology that people had more than one piece of clothes? I mean, like, they had to carry extra clothes around all the time?
Jake: Yes, I remember when ...
Quinn: Dad, remember what I said about not telling me of how *primitive* you were back then?
Helen: I gave you DNA, Quinn. I can take it back.
Quinn: Sorry, mom, but I mean it. People back then were sooo primitive. They didn't have any binary to synaptic converters so they had to go to school for like years instead of weeks. And they had no growth tanks so the women had to become pregnant themselves. I saw pictures of it -- some of them looked like balloons. It was totally gross.
Helen: You know, your dad and I were born the old fashioned way.
Quinn: Can we not talk about that please? And they didn't use genetic enhancements. So some children were born with, like, errors. And there were ugly people, and fat people, and even people with freckles. Not that I needed any enhancements. I know my genes for my looks were perfect. Not like Daria. I know you had to make her taller and more beautiful, and to make her see - otherwise she would've been almost blind.
Helen: Quinn, this is the first time in over a year we've gotten to see Daria. You will behave yourself. (She glares at Quinn)
Jake: And the genetic engineers did have to enhance your intelligence you know, Quinn. Daria's brain genes, on the other hand, were some of the best they'd ever seen.
Quinn: Whatever.
(Cut to present. Jane and Daria are sitting in Daria's room)
Jane: Can I borrow your wastebasket. I think I need to vomit.
Daria: Back off, Lane girl. This is my story.
(Back to Daria's story)
Quinn: Look, there's Brittany. She's seen us and is coming over here.
Jake: She's in Daria's platoon, isn't she?
(Brittany, who is wearing a marine uniform with the rank of corporal, walks towards them)
Brittany: Hey there! Long time no see. Have you seen my dad?
Helen: He got a seat in the back of the ship, dear. He should be here in a couple of minutes. Have you seen Daria?
Brittany: She got delayed. She'll be here shortly.
(Later. Helen, Jake and Quinn are not looking comfortable about the things Brittany is telling them)
Brittany: After 200,000 neutron bombs, you'd think they were all *dead*! But no!! They still had a little zip left. So there we were. Zero-ones all over the place, and one of them had just cut off the lieutenant's head and ran off with it.
Jake: Zero-ones?
Brittany: That's what we call the aliens around here. So things were getting rather critical. Then Daria gets the idea of using a tectonic grenade. I mean, who other than Daria would think of using such a thing against a soft target? Anyhow, it worked. But now we were all completely covered in liquid alien. I mean the stench - whewwww! And when we got back to our ship, the other marines made jokes and asked us about our new camouflage. Hey, there's my dad. See you later. (She leaves)
(A taller and prettier Daria without glasses walks over to them. She is wearing a marine uniform with the rank of sergeant)
Daria: Mom. (hugs Helen)
Helen: Sweetie.
Daria: Dad. (hugs Jake)
Jake: Kiddo.
Daria: (Deadpan) Quinn. (extends hand to shake, but thinks better of it and simply hugs Quinn)
Quinn: Daria, my hair!
(Later. Daria, Quinn, Helen and Jake are sitting in a restaurant. A calf walks in)
Calf: Listen everyone. I'll be coming around to your tables. Then you can tell me what part of me you want to eat.
(Cut to present)
Jane: Plagiarism, plagiarism.
Daria: What?
Jane: Come on. A talking animal that wants you to eat it? That from "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". Specifically, it was in "The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe".
Daria: Guilty, but I couldn't help myself. I think the restaurant scene is the funniest part of the whole book. (but she crosses some lines out)
(Back to Daria's story. They are now having dinner)
Daria: So how are things back on Earth?
Quinn: The usual. A lot of anti-war protests, and counter demonstrations saying the war is okay. Because of you, mom and dad have joined the Pro-War Association.
Daria: Always good to meet new people.
Jake: We felt we had an obligation to support the war effort now that our daughter's a war hero. And it's good publicity too. A lot of my customers are members of the Pro-War Association. I got a consulting job for a company who is building suburbs on the bottom of the ocean, now that there's no more room for them on the surface. Your mom and I are thinking about moving there ourselves. A place called Seadale.
Daria: When the war's over, maybe we can go fishing together.
Quinn: Dad has a big picture of you wearing battle armor in his office.
Daria: You didn't.
Jake: But my clients gets really impressed.
Helen: Now, now, Daria. Your dad and I are just showing how proud we are of you. Let's not talk about the war anymore. I'm sure Daria wants to hear about other stuff.
Daria: Thanks, mom. Any news of my old classmates?
Quinn: Upchuck also joined the Space Navy. But he got a position on Earth. He's already made lieutenant.
Daria: (Dryly) Nice to hear that some traditions stay the same. We can't have the politicians sending their own children to war, can we.
Jake: Daria, you know, *I* could talk to some of the people in the Pro-War Association. See if I can get you a new position behind the front lines.
Daria: Dad, I'm not like that, remember. I have a duty.
Jake: But after what happened to Jane.
Helen: Jake.
Daria: (Her voice is cracking up) Can we not talk about that, please.
(Cut to present)
Jane: What happens to me.
Daria: You get killed in the war. And be glad I only kill you on paper.
(Back to the story)
Quinn: Jodie's helping the AI's in their struggle for equal rights. Can you imagine that? Like it's not enough that they got emancipation. Now she wants us to treat the artificial intelligences like they were people or something.
Daria: (Approvingly) That sounds like her. And how about you, Quinn? Are you still a member of the philosophy club?
Quinn: As always. You know Nietzsche is on the way out. And it looks like Kierkegaard is coming back this year. Daria, you're not still...
Daria: A stoic? Yes.
Quinn: Figures. Look, I know we shouldn't talk about the war but...
Helen: (Warning) Quinn.
Daria: It's okay, mom. What do you want to ask?
Quinn: Do you think there'll be peace anytime soon? Joey, Jamie and Jeffy are talking about joining the Space Marines.
Daria: Not a chance. Besides, if I was an alien, I'd never make peace with a species that's turned philosophy into a matter of style.
Helen: You know, sometimes I wonder if all the technology we humans have achieved has really helped us. Maybe we'd be better off without it.
Quinn: Please, mom. Not the back to nature stuff. That went out of style, like, years ago.
Daria: Try centuries. And I agree with Quinn. That one is really out of style.
Helen: You agree with Quinn?
Jake: You agree with Quinn?
Quinn: You agree with me?
Daria: We tend to forget that civilization is fundamentally anti-nature. And that we humans became alienated from nature when we had the Industrial Revolution. Since then we've lived in a time where one fantastic new invention came right after the other. Where people would be born in one world and die in a completely different one. We hail every invention but are at the same time are afraid of them. Maybe our fear of new things comes from the fact that we really don't have any idea where we're going as a species. Will we humans one day become gods, or have we unleashed powers that'll destroy us? I don't know. (pause) But I know one thing. We can never return to the time before the Industrial Revolution. We might as well lean back and enjoy the ride.
(Later. Helen and Jake are on the dance floor. Quinn and Daria are alone at the table)
Quinn: It's funny what you said about going back to nature, Daria. We had a discussion about it in the philosophy club before I left Earth. Unlike you, Tiffany thinks opposition to new technology exists because it takes us awhile to come to terms with it and what it means. Like, today we laugh at those who were opposed to altering our genes and growing kids in tubes. Just like they laughed at those who opposed the steam engine. But I think technology has only done us good. We can travel to the stars, we're stronger, more intelligent and we live longer. Except people like yourself who have joined the Marines.
Daria: But at what cost? As our power over nature has grown so have many of the more sinister sides of our character. Our arrogance has reached astronomical proportions. We have contempt for all things not human or not made *by* humans. Sometimes I wonder if the real reason we went to war with the aliens was that their very existence is somehow an insult to us.
Quinn: The anti war protesters back home say the war is unjust. But, I mean, the aliens attacked us, right? It's not the other way around.
Daria: Sure, Quinn, and Scream LXVI was a good movie.
Quinn: Can't we try to reason with them? Make peace, I mean?
Daria: Look, I joked about it earlier. But there can't be peace. The aliens don't trust us. And we won't make peace as long as we're winning, which we are.
Quinn: But there must be a way.
Daria: No, Quinn. The aliens think we humans are the embodiment of evil. They will never make peace with us. And it gets worse. Did you know that the nickname for the aliens around here is species zero one? Many people in the Navy don't think the war will stop with these aliens. That we humans will keep expanding throughout the entire galaxy and every time we run into another intelligent species we'll go to war with them. That we humans will become the terror of the galaxy.
Quinn: I don't understand. If you feel that the war is unjust, why do you talk about having a duty, and why do you want to stay at the front lines?
Daria: And what's the alternative? If we lose? If the aliens invade our territory? If they discover Earth's coordinates? What if they go there and decide to destroy it?
Quinn: But you just said we're winning.
Daria: And if I'm wrong? Just or unjust, I have to fight.
(Cut to present)
Daria: That's it. Do you like it?
Jane: Yeah, I liked it. So what you're saying is that once we humans stop fighting among ourselves we'll go into space and fight aliens instead.
Daria: Faster that light travel is supposedly impossible. So the aliens, if there are any, should be safe from us.
Jane: It's late. And we have school tomorrow. I better get going. See ya.
(Jane leaves. Daria starts writing again)
(Daria's story)
Quinn: I also want to join the Space Marines.
Daria: Excuse me?
Quinn: Daria, until now I thought you only joined the Marines to get away from our parents and me. I didn't even consider that you might have selfless motives. I'm sad to hear that you think the war is unjust. But you also say it's necessary and if that's so, then I believe I too have a duty to fight.
Daria: I was trying to explain my motives to you -- not to enlist you. And I can't say that the thought of getting away from home didn't have anything to do with my decision.
Quinn: I understand "When things are in danger: someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them". I want to join, and you can't talk me out of it.
Daria: I hear you've been reading classic literature. But, Quinn, this is war. It's not some game. When I got wounded, I spent six days in regeneration, that should give you some idea about just how badly I was hurt. And Jane... I saw her die, Quinn. And mom and dad -- how do you think they're going to feel about having both their daughters at the front lines? You can't cancel your enlistment while there's war on. It'll take us years to defeat the aliens.
Quinn: I understand, but it's my decision. Mom and dad can't tell me not to go. I *am* 16 years old you know.
Daria: If you're serious about this, then I'll support you. The Navy doesn't like sending all the children of one family to the front lines. If you join they'll probably offer you a position at a star base. I want you to take it. I already lost Jane, I don't think I could handle losing you as well.
Quinn: Okay, big sister, have it your way then. I'll join but take the desk job.
(They embrace)
Daria: I love you, little sister, you know that don't you.
Quinn: I love you too, Daria.
(The story ends)
(The class Of Mr. O'Neill. Mr. O'Neill is handing out papers)
O'Neill: Kevin, your story was about how you, as Saint George, rescues the princess from the dragon. That story has a symbolic meaning -- you're not supposed to take it literally. I have no choice but to fail you.
Kevin: (Whines) Oh, man.
O'Neill: Think of it as a symbolic A.
Kevin: (Perks right up) Oh, right.
O'Neill: Brittany, your story was about how Kevin gets killed in Vietnam and how you become a reporter and go there yourself. Your helicopter is shot down and you have to fight your way through the jungle. You know, some of your combat descriptions are rather violent.
Brittany: Oh?
O'Neill: But I showed your story to Anthony. And he said it contained the most realistic descriptions of guerilla warfare he'd ever seen. He said it made him feel like going home. Congratulations, Brittany, you got an A.
Jane: (To Daria) Now that Mr. DeMartino has gone home, you think he'll be coming back?
Daria: (To Jane) With our luck, you mean?
Mr. O'Neill: I was especially impressed by your story, Daria. You should know, class, that Daria got permission to let her story take place in the future. She gave some thoughts about what the future might look like. And I think you should all hear them.
Daria: You're not going to read it out loud, are you?
Mr. O'Neill: No. (Daria looks relieved) Even better! I'm having it published in the school paper.
Daria: (Voiceover) No need to panic. Jodie is a friend of the editor. I will explain things to her, and she'll get him to edit my story (outloud) Mr. O'Neill, when will my story get published?
Mr. O'Neill: It should be in today's edition.
Daria: AAAAAAH!!
(Later. Jane, Jodie, Brittany and Daria are walking down the hall. Jane, Jodie and Brittany are reading the paper)
Jodie: Emancipation for artificial intelligence. That's kind of funny.
Daria: Glad to hear you like it.
Brittany: What's a tectonic grenade?
Daria: A future weapon. Ask me that question again in a 100 years.
Brittany: Uhm, okay.
Jane: I didn't suffer much pain I hope.
Daria: What do you want with that thing? You already heard my story.
Jane: But this version appears to have an alternate ending. Something to do with your outburst earlier perhaps.
Daria: (Miserable) I thought Mr. O'Neill was the only who would ever get to see that. Now my parents will probably read it too.
Jane: Maybe you'd like to hide at my place. We're having *crabs* for dinner.
Daria: Blood, blood, blood.
Jodie: How about Chez Pierre then?
Daria: Why do you say that?
Jodie: We've been talking. And come to think of it, we might have been taking advantage of you.
Brittany: So we've decided to take you out. Just the four of us.
Jane: Dinner is on us.
Daria: Uhm, thanks. I'm looking forward to it.
Jodie: Did she just use the "T" word.
Jane: A miracle.
Daria: Don't push your luck.
(Quinn approaches. She is holding a paper in her hand)
Quinn: Daria, you put me in your story. How could you do that to me?
Daria: Stop it, Quinn. Mr. O'Neill pulled the same stunt on you once, remember.
Quinn: You write you're my *sister*. Now everyone will know!
Daria: My heart bleeds for you. If it bothers you, just tell people it's a work of fiction.
Quinn: And you write that you love me. I can never show my face again.
Daria: Like I said. It's a work of fiction.
(The three J's approach)
Quinn: Oh no! (hides behind Daria)
Joey: Hi Quinn. We read the story.
Quinn: Go away.
Jeffy: We really liked it, Quinn.
Quinn: You did?
Jamie: You were really deep. We had no idea you were so deep.
Quinn: Really?
Daria: Excuse me, but I believe, I'm the one who wrote that story. Quinn had nothing to do with it.
Quinn: What did you like about it?
Joey: What you said about losing things so that others could find them. That was so sad.
Daria: Now *that* I didn't write.
Jane: Maybe it's a quote from "The Lord of the Things".
Jamie: And you got my name right. That really moved me.
Quinn: Joey, Jeffy, Jones.
Jamie: Jamie.
Quinn: Whatever. Let's get out of here. You can tell me more about how deep you think I am.
(Quinn, Joey, Jeffy and Jamie leaves)
Jane: So because of *your* story people now think Quinn is deep.
Daria: In my next SF story, she gets eaten by space monsters.
END