Not So-Parallel Universe

 

Act One

Dariaís room. Looks the same as always, only not animated. Real life sort of. Suddenly, the window opens and two people, a man and a woman enter. They are wearing trench coats, hats and sunglasses. The man starts taking pictures of everything and the woman digs under the mattress on the bed, takes out a diary and starts reading it, taking notes all the while.

 

Voice OS: Whoís there?

 

The man and the woman leap out the window just as someone enters. Everything is now shown from her point of view, so we cannot see who it is (though everything is viewed through glasses.)

 

Voice: Damnit, never can catch them. I wonder what they find so interesting about my room.

 

Now we see who it is. Itís Daria, only sheís not a cartoon. She looks basically the same; only sheís not wearing her green jacket (just the t-shirt and skirt) and no boots. Dariaís glasses arenít as big and the frames arenít as thick. Her hair is kind of stringy looking, but not greasy or anything.

 

Daria: Next time, Iím not yelling and Iím bringing a camera. I always have to yell donít IÖ

 

 

Act Two

Janeís room. Once again, it looks un-animated. And, also once again, the man and the woman sneak in through a window and begin taking notes and pictures of the room. Suddenly, Jane enters. She looks real too. Her hair is a little flatter against her head and like Daria she isnít wearing her jacket or her boots.

 

Jane: Hey, what theÖ

 

But sheís too late. The two of the flee out the window.

 

Jane: Well, damn (picks up phone and dials a number) Hello? Daria, I saw `em this time.

 

Split screen between Daria and Jane

 

Daria: You did? What where they doing?

 

Jane: The weirdest thing, they were taking pictures.

 

Daria: I thought I heard camera clicks when I was coming up the stairs last time, too. This is getting weird.

 

Jane: Itís been going on for over a year, around the time you moved here.

 

Daria: It started in Highland for me, but not as much. What could they want from our rooms?

 

Jane: I donít know, but they sure donít do a good job of cleaning up the evidence. Last time I found all my old class photos strewn about.

 

Daria: You still have those?

 

Jane: I look at them whenever I start to feel too happy.

 

Daria: In others words, they were collecting dust.

 

Jane: Exactly.

 

Daria: Today, I found my diary out. Iíll bet they were reading it. Taking pictures is one thing, but that includes everything I ever do in it.

 

Jane: Even the time we went to Alternapalooza..er, I mean tried to go.

 

Daria: Every word. Good thing I left the really personal stuff.

 

Jane: Like (fake dreamy) Jeremy?

 

Daria: Oh shut up, I only went out with him for a month.

 

Jane: And he was all you talked about. His favourite color is black, his favourite food is pizza, he loves to watch TV, he loves the arcade, he loves the classicsÖ.

 

Daria: Actually, I did include some of that stuff. Only I wrote it was me who liked that stuff, in case my mom or Quinn decides to read it.

 

Jane: How will you tell it apart from the stuff you like?

 

Daria: Since when do I like stuff?

 

Jane: Point taken. So, if the spies did read your diary theyíll think you like pizza, you love TV, and you love video games and the classics.

 

Daria: Little do they know, my favourite colour is navy blue..

 

Jane:..Youíre favourite food is chocolate..

 

Daria: ÖI donít even have a TV, though I do enjoy itÖ

 

Jane: Öyou think video games are childishÖ.

 

Daria:ÖI love sci-fiÖ

 

Jane:Öand youíre planning to rule the world someday.

 

Daria: Thatís right andÖwhat?!

 

Jane: Just trying to make you sound more interesting, in case the spies are taping this conversation.

 

Cut to a small, dark room. The two spies are seated by a phone and a recorder, as the last bits of Dariaís and Janeís conversation is heard.

 

Male spy: Damn, weíve gotten her all wrong!

 

Female: I told you we should have followed her instead of snooping around their rooms!

 

Male: Hey, it wasnít my idea to base a cartoon TV series on a real girl! We should have just made one up. Do you know hard it is to keep MTV from airing in Lawndale and from all magazineís including Daria articles never to reach Lawndale?

 

Female: You thought it was a great idea when I thought it up, and it would have worked a lot better if we just placed cameras around the entire place like that Truman Show movie.

 

Male: And what were we supposed to do if she went on vacation? Letís face it, this entire thing is stupid.

 

The female and male then take off their hats and sunglasses and appear to be Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis (if you donít know who they are, I think you should do your research).

 

Susie: Who knew it would be so hard.

 

Glenn: The MTV staff, my brother*, my mother, your mother, my old teacher, the guy at the laundry mat, some guy who e-mailed meÖ

*(I donít know if he actually has a brother, Iím just making this up as I go along)

 

Susie: Ok, ok, I get the point. But the show is getting great reviews; do you know how much weíll be shunned from society if we cancel the show?

 

Glenn: Oh, youíre over-reacting. I say we cancel the show, hear and now!

 

They both nod and head outside. Five minutes later, they come back in looking extremely disheveled. Angry shouts are heard from outside.

 

Susie: (panting) Over-reacting was I?

 

Glenn: Oh, shut up.

 

 

Act Three

Lawndale High. Like everything else, it looks the same only not cartoon. Daria and Jane enter the school. Cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane walk down the hall, surrounded by the Lawndale students we know and lo.. er, we know only not in cartoon as well.

 

Daria: Another morning, another school day, another pile of homework.


Jane: Your optimism amazes me.

 

Daria: Thanks.

 

In the shadows (yes, halls have shadows at times), our two spies, Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis, are stalking the tow girls.

 

Susie: So, the plan is to observe them, find out how much we got wrong and if itís not two much, just try to correct it. If itís a lot, just start making up new episodes without any similarity to the real Dariaís situations.

 

Glenn: I already know the plan, whyíd you have to say it?

 

Susie: I donít know, thatís what they do in all the spy movies.

 

Glenn: Thatís just so the viewers know what they are talking about. We donít have any viewers.

 

Susie: Oh, yeah. Well, letís snoop around.

 

Glenn and Susie sneak down the hall, hiding behind drinking fountains and metal detectors to avoid being seen. Just when they are about to emerge from their hiding place, a couple walks by, causing them to go back into hiding. The couple is Chinese, but Glenn and Susie hear them calling each other Jodie and Mack.

 

Susie: Theyíre Jodie and Mack?!

 

Glenn: We drew them all wrong! I thought they wereó

 

Susie: (interrupting) African-American? No, Daria just said in her journal that they were annoyed because they were different from the rest of the school.

 

Glenn: How was I supposed to know?

 

The new Jodie and Mack walk past and the two spies sneak down the hall. They are walking along in the near deserted halls when they hear voice. Glenn pulls Susie into a closet. Unfortunately itís already occupied.

 

Jane: What are you doing in here?

 

Susie: Us? What are you doing in here?

 

Daria: hiding from teachers, what else?

 

Glenn: Another thing we got wrong, the Daria from the show would never hide in a closet?

 

Daria/Jane: Show?

 

Susie: Well, youíve done it again big mouth.

 

The four of them suddenly become quiet, and then look at each other funny.

 

Daria: Thatís it, Iím leaving, I canít breathe.

 

Jane: Well, if youíre goingÖ

 

Daria and Jane leave the closet, leaving Glenn and Susie with more room. But then the door is opened by none of than Ms. Li, who looks exactly like her cartoon character only not cartoon.

 

Ms. Li: what are you two doing in here?

 

And with that, the real Ms Li dragged the two spies down to her office.

 

 

Act Four

Ms. Liís office

 

Ms. Li: Not only is it against the rules to make out in closets..

 

Susie: We werenít making out.

 

Ms. Li: Thatís what they all say.

 

Glenn: What else would they say?

 

Ms. Li: But youíre not even students here.

 

Susie: So what can you do to us?

 

Ms. Li: I can get you in more trouble than you can imagine!

 

Glenn: (to Susie) At least we portrayed someone right.

 

Just then, a knock is heard on the door. Four girls enter. Two of them appear to be Quinn and Sandi, only not cartoon but the other two are unidentifiable. One is a tall black girl with long braids (those tinny braids), beads in her hair and a schoolgirl outfit. The other is short, freckly and has two pony tails (pigtails). She is wearing jeans and a tight blue tank top.

 

Ms. Li: Well, if it isnít the Fashion club?

 

Glenn and Susie raise their eyebrows.

 

Quinn: (sees Glenn and Susie) Who are you?

 

Susie: Who are you?

 

Sandi: Allow me to introduce you to the Lawndale High Fashion Club. President, me, Sandi Griffin. Co-coordinating officer, Tiffany (points to tall black girl) and Secretary, Stacy (points to short girl)

 

Quinn: ahem?

 

Sandi: Oh, and thatís the VP, Quinn.

 

Glenn: At least we got Sandi and Quinn right, but..

 

Susie: Tiffany and Stacy are all wrong.

 

Glenn: (looks at Tiffany) wrong background.

 

Susie: (looks at Stacy) Wrong pigtails, you idiot! (smacks him upside the head)

 

By now, everyone in the office is looking at the two of them strangely, so Glenn and Susie ďshut upĒ.

 

Ms. Li: (bends down to reach into desk) Now, Iíll just get my detention forms and ..(comes back, see that Glenn and Susie are gone) Those hooligansÖ

 

 

Act Five

Outside at night

Glenn and Susie are walking.

 

Susie: Do you think weíve seen enough?

 

Glenn: Hmm, I donít know. Maybe we should observe them at home.

 

Susie: I donít know, I donít like the idea of possibly having to talk to that little twit sister of her, Quinn.

 

Glenn: Hey, thatís funny. If we ever write an original episode, weíll use that as a line.

 

Susie: yeah! Iíll bet itíll be the best episode ever, too! See, we donít need the real Daria to be successful.We can make up stories all by ourselves.

 

Glenn: You know, I had a couple dreams about the Daria cast.

 

Susie: really? What happened?

 

Glenn: In one, they were all singing. In the other, they were visited by some holidays.

 

Susie: Iíll bet we could turn those into episode. Do you think they wonít be realistic enough?

 

Glenn: Nah. If the Simpsonís can have those crazy Halloween episodes, we can have one about Holidays.

 

Susie: Great! We donít need someone to base our character off of.

 

Glenn: yeah. That was a stupid idea, you know.

 

Susie: Oh, stop acting like a baby. Youíre being childish.

 

Both stand up straighter.

 

Glenn: Maybe we should make some normal episodes.

 

Susie: Yeah, I guess so.

 

Glenn: So the fans donít think weíve gone bezerk.

 

Susie: Of course.

 

Glenn: Ever thought about one where Jane gets a boyfriend?

 

Susie: yeah, like thatíll go over well.

 

Glenn: I donít care, Iím writing it anyway.

 

Susie: Suit yourself.

 

Suddenly, a beeper goes off. Susie reaches into her pocket and pulls out her pager. Her face suddenly goes pale and a look of sheer panic goes across her face.

 

Susie: Oh, shit.

 

Glenn: What?

 

Susie: Mixed up satellite signals. Lawndale is getting MTV!

 

 

 

Act Six

Dariaís room

Daria and Jane are watching TV.

Daria has the remote and is flipping the channels.

Suddenly, she stops and looks puzzled.

 

Daria: Thatís funny, this channel never worked before.

 

Jane: probably some new channel airing documentaries about people weíve never heard of.

 

Daria: We might as well see what it is, thereís nothing better on.

 

She sits back to watch when some very familiar music starts playing from the TV. Think ďla la la la la..Ē

 

Daria: Iíve never seen this show before.

 

We now see the screen, where the Daria opening is playing. We see the Daria logo come up, naming some episode or another.

 

Daria and Jane look at the screen with shocked look on their faces.

 

And that, my fellow Daria fanatics, is the birth of Season Three.

 

The End