Quick summary, or spoiler... whatever: Lawndale is experiencing some sort of "Season of amour". Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE seems to be madly in love. All except our heroine. Even Jane seems to be succumbing to all the warm and fuzzy moosh. What's happening? Has Cupid escaped Holiday Island again? Is there uranium in the drinking water? Can Daria cope with the madness? Will Matt ever stop asking these stupid questions and get on with the story? Only by reading on, will you know the answers! ("You're Standing on my neck" by Splendora plays as the Daria intro plays on the screen.) Daria in: No More Amour! ACT I (Cut to a shot of an aerial view of Lawndale. The theme from "A love story" plays as a montage unfolds. Jodie and Mack are seen strolling through a park, hand-in-hand. In Lawndale high, Ms. Barch is seen slyly smiling and opening the door to the faculty lounge, then drags a reluctant Mr. O'Neill inside. Kevin and Brittany are giggling, kissing and heavily making out under the bleachers on the football field. Quinn is seen entering Chez Pierre, wearing an evening dress, the three J's close behind. At Cashman's, the Fashion Club exit the dressing rooms and regard their outfits. Music swells as they fall in love with their reflections. Finally, at the Morgendorffer house, Daria is seen in her room embracing... a book. Sound of a record scratching is heard and the romantic music suddenly stops.) (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer living room. Jake and Helen are siting on the love seat, staring into each other's eyes. Daria enters from upstairs. She gets a disgusted look on her face when she sees her lovesick parents.) DARIA: Blech! That's gonna get me another 20 hours of therapy... (Helen and Jake don't respond to Daria's sarcasm.) DARIA: Well, I'm going over to Jane's... on a school night. HELEN: Have fun, sweetie... DARIA: (deadpan) Jane's going to throw a wild kegger... JAKE: We trust you, kiddo! DARIA: (deadpan) Then I'm going to elope with Trent and together, start a cult... HELEN: (To Jake) Did you hear what she said, Jakey? JAKE: Who? I thought we were alone... DARIA: I give up... (Daria leaves just as Jake and Helen embrace) (Cut to a shot of the street. Daria walks alone, regarding all the lovey-dovey couples.) DARIA: (yelling at a couple passing by) Hey, alley cats! Get a room! (to herself) What's with this town lately? I can handle a few lovesick couples... but Mom and Dad? That's just gross... (Daria reaches the front of the Lane house. She knocks on the door. Trent answers with a smitten smile on his face.) TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hey. (VO) Oh, God. Not you too, Trent... TRENT: What's up? DARIA: Just seeking refuge from my parents. Is Jane here? TRENT: Upstairs. (grins) But how come you don't come over to see me? (Trent laughs and has a coughing attack as he playfully punches Daria in the shoulder) DARIA: (smirking) I do, Trent. But you're always asleep when I visit you. TRENT: Good one, Daria. (The smile never leaves Trent's face. Daria notices and is suspicious) DARIA: Well, aren't we in a good mood... (Trent finally steps aside to let Daria in.) TRENT: I'm in love, Daria... (Daria's deadpan face returns.) DARIA: That's nice, Trent. I'm happy for you. TRENT: Hmm... you don't LOOK happy... DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, I am. I'm filled to the brim with girlish glee... TRENT: (missing the sarcasm) Cool. See you later. (Trent goes down to the basement.) DARIA: I never thought you'd turn on me too, Trent... (looks upstairs.) Well, at least I've still got my partner in crime to help me through this silly season... (Cut to a shot of Jane's room. We see Jane working on a painting. We can only see the back of the canvas, so the viewer has no idea what she's painting. Jane looks serious as she is concentrating hard on her work. The sound of a knock is heard.) JANE: (startled) Ahh! (glares at the door) Dammit, Trent! I told you to leave me alone! DARIA: (VO from the other side, imitating Trent's voice) Aww, come on, Janey. I need to borrow another toothbrush... JANE: Daria? DARIA: (still imitating Trent's voice.) No, it's Trent... or Daria trying to sound like Trent... whatever. (Jane frantically tries to hide her painting) JANE: Umm... just a second... I'm, uh... not decent! DARIA: (in her normal voice again) You're never decent, Jane. Open up. JANE: Funny, Daria. (places her painting, covered with a cloth, in the closet) (Cut to a shot of outside Jane's room. Jane opens the door with a innocent smile on her face.) JANE: Well, well. It's Daria! Showing up at my house unannounced! What are the odds of that? DARIA: Pretty good. I do it a few times a week... so what are you up to? JANE: (nervous) Up to? Me? I'm not up to anything! Why do you always think I'm up to something? DARIA: Because you are. But you usually let me in on it. JANE: (looking to change the subject.) Not that you need one, but what is the reason for your impromptu appearance? DARIA: My parents can't tear themselves away from each other... JANE: Oh. What did they fight about this time? DARIA: No, Jane. I mean the OTHER way parents tear at each other! JANE: Ick! Those two fight all the time! Why the lovefest? DARIA: Maybe that Cupid guy from Holiday Island zapped them again... JANE: (shocked face) You mean that actually happened?! I thought it was just a weird nightmare inspired by breathing too many paint fumes. DARIA: Speaking of painting. Where's yours? JANE: (nervous again) What painting? DARIA: The one you were just working on... JANE: I wasn't working on a painting... DARIA: Then why do you have paint on your hands and face? And why is your closet door closed? And why is there a trail of spilled paint from your canvas stand to the closet? JANE: I, uh... plead the 5th amendment! DARIA: So, can I look at what's in the closet? JANE: Not without a warrant! DARIA: You've been hanging out with my mom too much. Fine. So why did you snap at me before? JANE: I snapped at you? DARIA: Yeah, when you thought I was Trent. JANE: Oh. I was busy working on a... (notices Daria's suspicious look) idea. Yeah, that's it. Just didn't wanna be disturbed. (Daria goes to her usual sulking position on Jane's bed and flicks on the TV. The usual "Sick, Sad World" music starts) ANNOUNCER: Obsessed fans desperate for new episodes of their favorite shows, are producing their own on the Internet! Fanfiction writers! Next! On: Sick, Sad World! (Daria flicks the TV off, and collapses on the bed.) JANE: Something deeply tormenting you? DARIA: This town. JANE: Oh, Lawndale's always tormented you. DARIA: Yeah, but now everyone is love-crazy. Not just my parents. Everywhere I look nowadays, there are couples, holding hands, laughing, just as we left school I saw Kevin and Brittany holding... JANE: (gets a disgusted look on her face) I don't wanna know! DARIA: Sorry. But it's like everyone is under some kind of love spell... (sighs) even Trent... JANE: (almost laughing) Trent? In love?! The only thing that string bean is in love with is his music. DARIA: He told me he was in love when I came over... (Jane starts laughing. Daria just glares at her.) JANE: (sees Daria's glare and gets her laughter under control.) Oh, poor Daria. Thinks she's lost her chance at amour! Relax, Trent isn't in love with anyone. He was probably talking about the new guitar Mom and Dad got him for his birthday. DARIA: Trent just had a birthday? JANE: No, it's still a few months away, but Mom and Dad are out of town so much they just left him a bunch of money to go buy himself a present when the big day came. But naturally, he blew it all on a guitar the day Mom and Dad left. DARIA: That's a relief. (sees Jane's sly smile) I mean, uh... that I didn't miss Trent's birthday, THAT'S a relief. JANE: Sure... that's what you meant... right, I believe ya! (phone rings. Jane picks it up.) JANE: Yo! Hey... no... yes... only in your dreams... I know! OK, see you then, bye. (hangs up) DARIA: Who was that? JANE: Tom. (sees Daria glaring at her again) Don't start. He was just telling me how he noticed that everyone is out and about, being all mushy, just like you were. DARIA: Really? JANE: Yeah! He was saying how weird everyone has been acting! DARIA: Yeah. JANE: And how all Lawndale is having some kind of love fest! DARIA: Yeah. JANE: And how me and him are gonna join them! DARIA: Ye... (shocked) what? JANE: He's coming over, and we're gonna go do something. DARIA: I can't believe this! I come over to get away from all this touchy-feely stuff, and you run out on me to go out with some guy! JANE: Tom is not "some guy"! He's my boyfriend. You know, Daria, having a boyfriend isn't the stupid, pointless, and empty experience you think it is. You should try it sometime. DARIA: Uh-huh. JANE: Gimme a break. (sighs contentedly) Love is in the air. DARIA: (sniffs the air) Something's in the air... but it doesn't smell like love. JANE: (smirks) Guess I shouldn't have had those burritos for lunch. DARIA: Great. I don't wanna go home. The shock of seeing my parents in love could end up making me go postal. Is it OK if I stay here while you're gone? JANE: Sure. You can stay here... alone with Trent... (grins) promise you won't seduce him, and we've got a deal. DARIA: (deadpan) Darn, and I was gonna go change into my thong bikini and have my wicked way with your brother while you were gone. JANE: Well, I'm just looking out for Trent. No telling what a wild woman like you would do to him when I'm not around. (A car honking is heard outside. Jane looks out the window and heads for the door.) JANE: (imitating Quinn's voice.) Date's here, gotta go. DARIA: How did that junker of his get here so fast? JANE: Now now, you're always saying appearance doesn't matter. DARIA: Damn enlightened nature... (Jane leaves.) (Cut to a shot of the Lane kitchen. Trent is examining a milk carton. Daria enters.) TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hey. (Trent shows Daria the milk carton) TRENT: Think this milk is still good? DARIA: (reading the carton) Have you seen me? My name is Adam Walsh... uh, Trent, this milk is from 1985. TRENT: OK, but is it still good? DARIA: um, no. TRENT: Bummer. (notices Daria is alone) Where's Janey? DARIA: She left. TRENT: Hmm. that's weird. She leaves her best friend alone at her house... DARIA: Well, this whole town has been acting weird lately. TRENT: Weirder than usual? (both chuckle a bit) TRENT: Anyway, since Janey's gone, wanna hang out? DARIA: (VO) Is my sister a self-absorbed, egotistical fashion fiend? (out loud) OK. (Cut to a shot of the Lane basement Daria is sitting on a couch and is watching Trent strum a few chords, tuning his new guitar.) TRENT: So, what's with your parents? DARIA: Huh? TRENT: You said you needed to hide out from them here. DARIA: Oh. Well, they're having some sort of mid-life honeymoon or something. It's pretty sickening. TRENT: What's wrong with that? DARIA: Huh? TRENT: Wouldn't the world be a better place if parents were involved with each other? Maybe if Moms and Dads weren't always out of town, they'd know that their kids needed them, instead of letting them raise themselves and think they're OK. But then, they're in their twenties, still living in their parent's house and going nowhere with a garage band... that probably needs a new name. DARIA: Um... yeah. I guess you've got a point. TRENT: Besides, being in love is the best. (Trent holds his guitar close) I should know... DARIA: Well, maybe. But that doesn't mean I wanna SEE my Mom and Dad when they're like this. TRENT: You mean... they're getting all touchy-feely OUTSIDE their room? DARIA: Trent, they're like that all over the house. TRENT: (shudders) Scary, man. Hide out here for as long as you need to. DARIA: Thanks. TRENT: No problem. (strums a few more chords) So what else is happening with you? DARIA: Get up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed. Repeat cycle. You? TRENT: Get up, practice, take a nap. DARIA: (deadpan) We're living life on the edge. TRENT: Yeah... we're out of control. (they chuckle again.) DARIA: Well, there is something else bothering me. TRENT: What did your sister do this time? DARIA: Not her. Have you noticed everyone around here is lovesick? TRENT: Um, no. DARIA: You haven't noticed Jane is acting strange? TRENT: No. DARIA: Trent, have you left the house at all this week? TRENT: (looking down at the floor) No. Hmm. So everyone in town's got a "someone" huh? DARIA: Yep. My sister has three someones at the moment and another five on her waiting list. TRENT: Whoa. So, who's your "someone"? DARIA: (blushing) Um, who said I had one? TRENT: You said "everyone" is lovesick. DARIA: I'm lovesick in the sense I'm sick of seeing everyone else in love. TRENT: (smirking) Jealous? DARIA: (flustered, caught off guard) Uh, no! I don't need some random member of the opposite sex to satisfy some crazy emotional desire. TRENT: Crazy emotional desire... Hey, that would make a great song. Let me get my lyric book. (starts to head upstairs.) So, you don't have a "someone", Daria? DARIA: Well, I did meet this one guy... he's pretty cool. I guess I like him a lot. But I don't know if I should tell him. TRENT: You probably should. It's always better to get up on stage and play your heart out, get booed, and have people throwing bottles at you, than it is to sit in a basement and dream of what might have been... (Trent leaves) DARIA: (deadpan) Thanks, Trent. That sure helped my confidence... who am I kidding? What confidence? (Screen swirls and a dream sequence begins. We see Daria in her room, looking wistful. Suddenly, her door opens and Trent walks in. The theme from "A love story" is heard again.) TRENT: (In a deep, wanting voice) Daria... DARIA: (In an equally wanting voice) Yes, Trent? TRENT: I've been doing some thinking... DARIA: About what? TRENT: About you... DARIA: Really? TRENT: Yeah. And about how everyone in Lawndale has a "someone" I just realized, I have someone I didn't even know I had for a long time... DARIA: What else were you thinking about? (Just then, the romantic music stops. Monique enters and Trent wraps his arms around her.) TRENT: I was thinking what a fool I was for breaking up with Monique again... (Daria looks shocked) TRENT: And what a total loser you must be for being the only one in town without someone who wants you! (Shower scene music from "Psycho" starts playing as Trent points, laughs, and coughs at Daria. Cut to a shot of Daria's shocked face.) (Shot remains of Daria's stunned expression as she is snapped back to reality by the sound of Trent's footsteps on the second floor. Daria quickly runs upstairs and out of the Lane house. Shot remains on the Lane basement. Trent enters with his lyric book and looks around.) TRENT: Daria? END ACT I COMMERCIALS: Commercials suck. This is an evil device used by corporate America to sell us a bunch of useless crap we will never need. So let's skip them and go to ACT II! ACT II: (Cut to a shot of the street. Night has fallen and Daria is running like mad. Tom's junker passes her by. Cut to a shot of inside the junker where Jane motions for Tom to stop.) JANE: Let me out here. TOM: Why? (feigning emotional pain) You're ashamed of me aren't you?! You don't want to be seen with me! JANE: Oh, knock it off, drama queen! That was Daria who just ran by us! TOM: Daria? Running? Wow... something must be wrong. (Tom pulls over) JANE: Sorry to cut this short, call me later. TOM: Sure. (Tom gives her a quick peck on the cheek.) (Jane gets out of the car and runs after Daria. Tom makes a U-turn and offers a shout of encouragement as he drives off.) TOM: RUN, FORREST! RUN! (Jane signals for him to go away.) JANE: Sarcasm is as sarcasm does... (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. Daria charges in the front door, bolts upstairs, goes to her room, and slams the door. She starts pounding her head on the padded walls.) (Cut to a shot of the living room. Jake and Helen enter and return to their love seat. They reach for each other just as the doorbell rings) JAKE: Who could that be? (Jake answers the door to find a panting Jane) JANE: Hi... huff... puff. I'm... JAKE: (interrupting, seeing Jane's red jacket) Raising money for the Lawndale communist party? OK. (Takes out his wallet) JANE: Actually, I'm... (notices Jake holding out a $20) Why yes, and thank you so much for your support. It's caring citizens like you who make this organization such a success. (takes the money) Now if I could just have a word with... (Helen approaches) HELEN: Why, Jane! What brings you over? (gets a worried look) Your siblings haven't moved into your house again, have they? JANE: No, no! I just need to talk to Daria. HELEN: Well, if she's here, she's in her room. JANE: You don't even know if she's here? JAKE: Well, we've been kind of... busy. JANE: (gets an icky face) Understood. Say no more. (walks past Jake and Helen) PLEASE say no more! (Jane heads upstairs as Jake and Helen head back to their loveseat) JAKE: Did you know she was a communist? HELEN: What? (Cut to a shot of Daria's room. Daria is still banging her head on the wall. It's a lot less painful than it looks, considering the walls are padded. A knock is heard.) DARIA: I don't know who you are, but I guarantee I don't want to talk to you. JANE: (imitating Quinn's voice) Not even your own sis... er... cousin? DARIA: Jane? JANE: (still in Quinn mode) Eww... as if *I* would be caught dead wearing those boots of hers. (Daria opens the door and Jane enters.) DARIA: What are you doing here? JANE: You impersonated my sibling, so I'm just getting even. I saw you running like mad into the night. What happened? DARIA: Nothing. It's what didn't happen... JANE: Trent didn't put out? DARIA: (sighs) I told him I had a crush on... JANE: (looking hopeful) yes... ? DARIA: ... a guy. JANE: Doggone your infernal teasing! DARIA: I didn't tell Trent he was the guy. Then he tells me to tell this guy. For it is better to get bottles thrown at you then to dream, or something. JANE: So, did you tell him? DARIA: No. I'm no closer to telling him now than I was when we went to Alternapalooza. JANE: Almost went, you mean. (smiles) So THAT'S why everyone in love is pissing you off. DARIA: (glaring) What's that supposed to mean? JANE: You're jealous! DARIA: (glaring) I am not! JANE: Seeing everyone in love is only reminding you of what you don't have. It makes you mad, so you want to vent. You're avoiding them because you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have... the only thing that will make this go away, is to tell Trent how you feel. That way, if he likes you or not, you'll have this damn issue resolved, and the lovey-dovies won't bother you anymore... (Daria just stares at her friend as if surprised by her insight.) JANE: (shocked) Whoa... did I just have an insightful monologue? DARIA: I think so... JANE: The apocalypse is drawing nigh... (Cut to a shot of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking to lunch. They pass by Kevin and Brittany, who are making out as usual.) DARIA: It's a good thing I saw this before lunch... or they'd be wearing it. (Daria and Jane reach the lunchroom. most of the students are sitting in couples, or groups of couples. The usual cliques are not there.) DARIA: Oh my god! They killed my appetite! JANE: (To the entire lunchroom) You bastards! (looks at her watch) Whoops. Tom asked me to call him... (notices Daria's icy glare)... to... make sure his new phone is working! Be right back. (Jane leaves. Daria heads outside to sulk. She's sitting alone on the lawn. Upchuck enters) UPCHUCK: So, my fair Daria, what have I done to deserve the pleasure of seeing you on this glorious afternoon? (Daria doesn't even look up. Upchuck looks surprised that Daria hasn't insulted him.) UPCHUCK: Daria, something the matter? You're not your usual feisty self today! (Daria sighs. She decides to humor Upchuck, in the hope he'll go away.) DARIA: Ever see that movie "Titanic"? UPCHUCK: Yes. Why? DARIA: Well everyone is acting like Kate and Leo, only there's no iceberg to end the madness. UPCHUCK: Aww, no strong, feral man to light up your life? (strikes a pose) DARIA: (deadpan) Nope. I'm still holding out for Joey from "N'Sync"... UPCHUCK: Do I detect a hint of jealousy in that lovely voice of yours? DARIA: (angrily) Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?! UPCHUCK: This may sound outrageous, but there are rare times when I, Charles Ruttheimer III, am without a femme fatale to call my own... DARIA: (deadpan) You? How could any woman resist that chiseled body, and charming wit of yours? UPCHUCK: It's hard to imagine, I know! But when those times hit, I look around and instead of being jealous of those other guys for having what I didn't, I decided to use that as motivation to drive me towards those hardbodies I adore... RRRRRRRR! DARIA: (looks thoughtful) You know, Upchuck, today you're actually... UPCHUCK: Ruggedly handsome, profoundly insightful,... irresistible? (winks at Daria) DARIA: (deadpan) I was gonna say "helpful"... until you spoiled it with your pathetic overconfidence. (Daria leaves) UPCHUCK: GRRRRRRRRRR! My feisty Daria is back! (Cut to a shot of the cafeteria. Jane is eating alone. Jodie approaches.) JODIE: Hey, Jane. JANE: I don't know what you want me to sign up for, but the answer is no. (grabs Jodie's shoulders) School activities are bad... just say "NO"! JODIE: (looks around) Where's Daria? JANE: I dunno, but I'll bet a million dollars she won't sign up for your latest activity, either. JODIE: I wanted to talk to her, she's been kinda depressed lately. JANE: Lately? Daria was born depressed. JODIE: You're her best friend. Do you know what's wrong with her? JANE: Daria is... shall we say, "romantically challenged". JODIE: Huh? JANE: She lacks the appropriate "emotional outlet". JODIE: What? JANE: She doesn't have a boyfriend and needs one pretty bad... JODIE: Oh. JANE: And seeing you and Mack, me and Tom, and Kevin and Brittany all over each other isn't helping her mood. JODIE: Maybe she just hasn't met the right guy for her. (Jodie notices Daria returning from the lawn. She stands behind Jane) JANE: Oh, yes she has. She just doesn't have the nerve to tell him she wants him. JODIE: Uh, Jane... (makes gestures with her head, trying to tell Jane that Daria is behind her.) JANE: You should really see a doctor about that twitch of yours. Anyway, Daria is completely smitten for this guy. JODIE: (pointedly) Jane... JANE: Let me finish, rude girl! Anyway, she's had it bad for him since she met him. She's totally fell for him, she's in love, she's... (notices Jodie is looking at something behind her) She's behind me, isn't she? JODIE: It's been nice knowing you, Jane. (Jodie leaves Jane to her fate and leaves the lunchroom.) (Jane turns around and sees Daria glaring at her notebook as she writes.) JANE: um, what'cha writing? DARIA: The inscription of your tombstone... "Here lies Jane Lane. She couldn't keep her damn mouth shut." JANE: Now, now. Killing his sister isn't the best way to get Trent to like you... DARIA: And spilling your guts to everyone about who I like isn't the best way to get me to like you, either! JANE: I know what will cheer you up! Tom is picking me up after school... DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yeah, I'm bursting with joy already... JANE: Need a towel? Anyway, he's taking me to the arcade. Wanna go? Some gratuitous video-violence will do you good. DARIA: No thanks, I'd just rain on your little love parade. (Daria walks off. Leaving Jane alone and bummed out.) (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. Daria walks by on her way home. Daria remembers Trent's joke the day before.) TRENT: (memory VO) How come you don't come over to see me? (laughing and coughing) DARIA: Well, why not? What's the worst thing that can happen? You'll be rejected and devastated, grow to hate men, and end up bitter and lonely like Ms. Barch... maybe this is a bad idea. (Daria walks up to the door and knocks. A sleepy Trent opens the door.) TRENT: Hey... (squints his eyes) Daria? DARIA: That's right! Johnny, tell him what he's won! TRENT: Johnny? Is that the guy you like? DARIA: Can I come in? TRENT: Janey's not here. DARIA: I know. Actually I came to see you. TRENT: (surprised) Oh, OK. (Trent lets Daria in) DARIA: So, what's new? TRENT: It's been hectic... DARIA: Really. TRENT: Yeah. Me and Jesse have been working on some lyrics to go with that one you gave me yesterday. Wanna see? DARIA: Sure. (Trent and Daria head down to the basement. Daria sits on the couch while Trent tries to find his lyric book in the vast mess in the room, finally he finds it, opens it, and gives it to Daria.) DARIA: (reading) My heart is on fire Your love, like barbed wire. What's the deal? How do you make me feel This crazy emotional desire? TRENT: (smiling) Pretty raw, huh? DARIA: Yeah (thought VO) VERY raw. Stick it back in the oven for about a week. (Trent joins Daria on the couch.) TRENT: So, what happened with this guy you like? DARIA: (nervous) um, I decided to tell him how I feel. TRENT: Cool. What did he say? DARIA: I haven't told him yet. But I'm going to... TRENT: You shouldn't put off things like that. You can't just sit around and wait for your big break, you gotta just get up on that stage and go for it, man! DARIA: (confused) OK... you're right, in a sadistic sort of way. (Daria closes her eyes, for some reason she just can't say what she's about to say and look at Trent. After a moment she collects her nerves and speaks. Camera zooms in on Daria's face as she does.) DARIA: Trent, I wasn't completely honest with you. This guy that I like, is... (takes a deep breath)... you. I don't know when it started, or why it happened, but I've had a crush on you for quite some time. I know there's a five year age difference between us, and that my parents would definitely disapprove of us going out. But rest assured that driving my parents crazy is NOT why I wanna go out with you. I want to (voice falters, loses is dry skeptical tone) because I... like you, Trent. (Daria cringes as if she expects Trent to hit her.) DARIA: I'm ready for my rejection now... END ACT II COMMERCIALS: I know, I know. We all hate commercials. But how else could TV stations afford to stay on the air without them? I know what you're saying... "Skip the damn commercials, so we can see Trent's reaction to Daria pouring her heart out!" We'll get to that in a moment but, first... OK, OK! Put the gun down! Roll tape! ACT III (Daria is seen with her eyes closed and cringing, preparing for the worst) DARIA: Come on, Trent. Pull no punches! I can take it! (Still no response. Light snoring is heard. Daria opens her eyes. Cut to a shot of the couch. Trent is sound asleep. Daria looks confused and doesn't know how to react. After a moment of thought, Daria smiles, gets a pillow and puts it behind Trent's head.) DARIA: I don't know how much you heard, Trent... (Daria puts a blanket over him and watches him curl up in it.) DARIA: But thanks for listening... (Daria leaves Trent to his slumber) (Cut to a shot of Jane's room. It is the following night of the scene before. Jane is painting again when a knock is heard.) JANE: Who goes there?! TRENT: It's me... JANE: Daria? Wow you've really got his voice down-pat! TRENT: Huh? (Jane opens the door and Trent walks in.) JANE: So, sibling rival, what brings you my little corner of the world? (Trent regards the painting.) TRENT: Cool. (We see Trent's view. Camera shows the painting we couldn't see before. It is of Daria in her usual outfit, standing on top of a huge fortress. A part of the canvas on the bottom is left blank.) JANE: Thanks. It has a meaning. TRENT: Yeah? JANE: Sure. Daria's been bummed out lately, so I was working on this to show her why. The fortress represents her attitude and how she won't let anyone close to her. TRENT: (pointing to the blank part) What are you gonna paint there? JANE: The hero that breaks her defenses and finally gets through to her. (Smirks at Trent) Wouldn't have any idea who that could be, would you? TRENT: Nope. She told me she had a thing for this guy she knows, but she didn't say who... JANE: (smirking) You should ask her. (Trent arches an eyebrow) So I can find out how to finish this painting. TRENT: Uh, I think if Daria wanted me to know who she likes, she'd tell me... (Jane starts laughing) TRENT: Have you been into the paint thinner again, Janey? JANE: Damn! You've unraveled me! TRENT: I gotta go over to Jesse's to rehearse. It's getting too weird around here... (Trent leaves) (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. Daria is sitting on the living room couch reading a book. Jake and Helen enter, arm-and-arm.) HELEN: Hello, sweetie. JAKE: Heya, kiddo! (making a wink and gun at Daria) What's the word? DARIA: Grease. JAKE: (To Helen) What do you say we head upstairs and... (whispers the rest in Helen's ear.) HELEN: (blushing) Jake! (seductively) You animal... (Jake and Helen rush out of the room. Daria doesn't look disgusted with that last scene. Doorbell rings. Before Daria can get up, Quinn enters in another extravagant outfit.) QUINN: Can't talk. Date's here. (Quinn leaves as quickly as she entered. Again, Daria doesn't seem as bothered as she usually is by Quinn's dates.) (Phone rings. Daria picks it up. cut to a split-screen of Daria and Jane) DARIA: Monkey house... JANE: Yes, I'd like to speak with the sarcastic monkey of the house. DARIA: Speaking. JANE: (smirking) I've got something to show you. DARIA: That's nice, Jane. But I like guys. JANE: Get your mind out of the gutter, and come over here! DARIA: OK, so I'll be getting my mind out of the gutter and putting my body in it... JANE: Right! now, snap to it! DARIA: I don't really feel like going anywhere. Why don't we do it after school tomorrow? JANE: I thought you liked guys... DARIA: Now who's mind is in the gutter? JANE: I guess you're a bad influence on me. DARIA: Anyway, I guess I should tell you what happened after school today. JANE: You didn't take candy from a stranger, did you? DARIA: Yeah, but I didn't eat it, I was planning on giving it to you tomorrow. JANE: So, you gonna tell me about it or what? DARIA: Well, if that's your attitude, you can wait until after school. JANE: You're such a tease... (Cut to Lawndale High. A school bell is ringing. Daria and Jane are at their lockers. They notice Kevin and Brittany making out a few lockers down. Daria doesn't react. Jane notices.) JANE: Um... aren't you forgetting something? DARIA: What do you mean? JANE: Aren't you gonna blow that whistle of yours and break them up? DARIA: No. They seem happy in their warm and fuzzy little world. JANE: (shrugs) OK. (Cut to a shot of Mr. O'Neill's class. The class looks just as attentive as usual.) O'NEILL: And so, what life lesson can we take from "Beowulf"?... (no response) Daria? DARIA:(monotone) I'm sorry, but Daria's mind isn't home right now, but if you'd like to leave your name and number at the squeak, she'll get back to you... if she feels like it. (Daria kicks the leg of Brittany's desk, causing her to jump. The bubble gum Brittany was blowing, explodes and sends gum all over her face) BRITTANY: Eep! (Mr. O'Neill puts his hand to his forehead and shakes his head. Ms. Barch enters.) MS. BARCH: Mr. O'Neill, I'd like to see you in private... (aggressively) now. MR. O'NEILL: (nervous) Well, all right. Jodie, would you take over, please? DARIA: (to Jane) I'm willing to bet she doesn't want to discuss lesson plans with him... JANE: (smirking) Now now, don't be so cynical. Ms. Barch does teach anatomy... DARIA: But she's supposed to be teaching the students about anatomy, not the other teachers... JANE: You must find this pretty repulsive. DARIA: Not really. JANE: (confused) huh? DARIA: We're rid of our overemotional teacher and don't have to listen to his ranting anymore, and if we say we'll sign up for something, Jodie will probably let us get away with cutting class. KEVIN: (only hearing the last part of Daria's statement) We get to cut the rest of class, Jodie?! JODIE: Actually, Kevin... KEVIN: All right! Class dismissed! CLASS: (all except Daria and Jane.) YEAH! (All the students but Daria and Jane are rushing out of class.) JODIE: Hey, wait! We're suppose to... get back... (classroom empties.) Thanks a lot, you two! DARIA: Don't scream at me... It was the QB's idea... (Kevin sticks his head in the door) KEVIN: That's me! JANE: And we're all so proud of you... KEVIN: Hey! Thanks, man! (Kevin pulls his head out of the door just as Jodie slams it shut.) DARIA: So, you wanna wrap up Beowulf? Or can we take an early lunch? (Jodie huffs and leaves the room.) (Cut to a shot of the lawn outside the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting in their usual spots.) JANE: You know, the yard is a lot more fun when we have it to ourselves... DARIA: Yeah, but there gonna let the cons from general population out any minute now. JANE: So, what's with you today? DARIA: What do you mean? JANE: I can hear your stomach turning whenever Kevin and Brittany get together. Now it's not like they don't even bother you. DARIA: Maybe you're just going deaf? JANE: (holding her hand to her ear, and yelling) What?! DARIA: Maybe I'm just getting used to seeing these people together... (Jane cocks an eyebrow, obviously suspicious.) JANE: Maybe you're hiding something... DARIA: Maybe I am... JANE: Maybe you're not... DARIA: That may be... JANE: So, are you gonna tell me?! DARIA: Maybe... JANE: Damn your teasing, woman! Well you better tell me when I show you what I've been working on. DARIA: I'll show you mine if you show me yours? JANE: (smirking) You're sure you like guys? (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. Camera remains outside, however we hear Jane's voice screaming... ) JANE: He WHAT?! (Cut to a shot of Jane's room.) DARIA: That's right. He was sleeping like a baby. JANE: I don't believe it! You finally pour your heart out and no one is there to hear it! DARIA: You say that like it's a bad thing... (rubs her ears) or scream it, rather. JANE: I'm furious! Of all the times he picked to fall asleep! DARIA: Could be worse... he could have been driving us somewhere... JANE: (glares) Don't even joke about that... (looks confused) Hey, you're not upset by this, are you? DARIA: Nope. JANE: May I ask why not? DARIA: No. JANE: Yeah well, my room, my rules! Now, talk! DARIA: All right. I said something to Trent that I needed to say. He didn't hear any of it, but I didn't know that at the time. And saying all that stuff got a lot off my mind. I hate to admit it, Jane, but you were right. I'm not so repulsed by the couples since I confessed my "like" to Trent. JANE: But he didn't "hear" any of it! You have to tell him again! DARIA: Maybe I will... (smirking) maybe I won't. JANE: (wielding her paintbrush like a weapon) Damn your damn teasing! DARIA: Anyway, it's your turn. What's this big secret project you're gonna show me? JANE: It's not finished, thanks to your teasing! (Jane unveils the painting she was working on earlier. The blank part at the bottom is still there.) JANE: The one who finally breaks down those defenses of yours is gonna go there. But since I have no idea who that is... (smirks) Hey! (Jane withdraws a snapshot of Trent and holds it against the painting.) JANE: I could paint Trent in there pretty quick... DARIA: (withdrawing her notebook and showing Jane what she wrote the day before) And this tombstone could still be in your future... JANE: Point taken. (puts the snapshot away.) So, you're really OK with this "season of amour" now? DARIA: I wouldn't go that far. But at least the bouts of vomiting went away. JANE: Well, now that we've exchanged secrets, you must be off! DARIA: Why? JANE: Because I'm going out with Tom tonight. (Jane meets Daria's glare with a cheesy Bruce Lee imitation) Wah! I warn you, Morgendorffer-san! I have seen "Enter the Dragon" six times! Hiya! DARIA: Well, I think I'll just skip the fight scene and go home, then. JANE: You know, you could "stay"... hint hint... and maybe confess your "like" to a certain aspiring musician... wink wink... again DARIA: Yeah, and he could snore while I do so... hint hint... again JANE: Ahh, I know that optimistic attitude of yours wouldn't last... welcome back! (Jane goes to hug Daria. Daria takes a step back.) JANE: Oh yeah, forgot. Well, anyway, see you at school tomorrow? DARIA: As always, unless a giant meteor strikes the Earth tomorrow... JANE: Dammit! Is there no end to your cruel teasing?! (Cut to a shot of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking down a hall, unaware of the carnage that is about to unfold. First Ms. Barch enters, walking fast with a scowl on her face. a pleading Mr. O'Neill follows.) MR. O'NEILL: Janet, about yesterday... (Ms. Barch cuts him off with a hard slap that make Daria and Jane cringe) MS. BARCH: Leave me alone, you... you MAN! And it's Ms. Barch to you! (Ms. Barch storms off. Mr. O'Neill runs in the opposite direction bawling... ) JANE: Looks like Jodie's going to be giving us our daily does of literature today. DARIA: Don't bet on it... JANE: Huh? DARIA: Look. (Daria points down the hall. Jodie and Mack are facing each other, both wearing scowls on their faces.) MACK: You're canceling on me again?! That's the third time this week! Maybe you should date Ms. Li, since you're so damn interested in all these extra-curricular activities that make the school look good! JODIE: Well I'm sorry if I'm bruising your "Captain of the football team" ego, but getting into a good college is just a little more important to me than dinner and a movie! MACK Fine! (Mack walks away. Daria and Jane walk up to Jodie) DARIA: Might today's lesson involve "The Sound and the Fury"? JODIE: Shut up, Daria! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, nobody wants to hear your smartass comments about other people's business?! (Jodie walks away, leaving a very stunned Daria and Jane) JANE: Whoa... DARIA: Wow... one week the whole town is in love... now everyone is ready to kill each other. JANE: (pumps a fist) That's what I love about this town, too! (in her best Forrest Gump voice) You never know what you're gonna get... DARIA: (smirking) Run, Forrest, run... far, far from here. (Suddenly, a slap is heard. Daria and Jane turn to see Brittany glaring at Kevin. Kevin is rubbing his cheek) BRITTANY: You... you... big JERK! KEVIN: But, babe! I didn't know there was a camera in there... I swear! (Kevin runs after Brittany.) DARIA: (smirking) You're right, Jane. I should get a boyfriend... so I can have someone to smack around... JANE: Nah, you don't need an actual boyfriend for that. That's what Upchuck is for. DARIA: I was wondering what purpose he actually served. JANE: Well, it looks like our world is semi-normal again. DARIA: Yes, my life in this lovesick hell is over, and is now the ordinary hell it always was... (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. Daria enters and sees Quinn looking at Jake and Helen.) DARIA: I believe the word you're looking for is "EWW!" QUINN: You know, Daria, for a brain, you're pretty stupid sometimes... DARIA: Huh? QUINN: I hope Mom and Dad stay like this forever, it's kind of sweet... DARIA: All right, what have you been up to? QUINN: Well, I just hang out with them... until they pay me to go away. I've almost got enough for my neck model portfolio... now, if you'll excuse me. (Quinn goes to the couch and sits between Jake and Helen) QUINN: Hi, Daddy. Hi, Mom! (Jake and Helen look awkward and uncomfortable, they clearly want to be left alone.) JAKE: So, uh... Quinn... when was the last time you had a night to yourself... or a girl's night out with your friends? QUINN: Oh, not *too* long, Daddy... but we did want to see the new Julia Roberts movie... but I, uh, really treasure the time I spend with you and Mom, or something. HELEN: Quinn, we insist you spend more time with your friends! You can't just stay at home on a Friday night! (Helen reaches into her purse and gets out a stack of bills and hands them to Quinn. Quinn immediately takes it, rises from the couch and heads to the staircase, where a VERY stunned Daria has been looking on) QUINN: (serenely) See how it's done, young grasshopper? DARIA: You know how much I hate to admit that you're right about something... That's why I'm not going to. Excuse me... (Daria goes to the couch and sits in between her parents just as they try to get close to each other.) DARIA: Hi Mom, Dad. JAKE: Oh, um, hiya kiddo. HELEN: what are you up to this weekend, sweetie? DARIA: Oh, nothing much. No real plans. I thought I'd just stay home and bond with you guys this weekend. JAKE: Um... HELEN: Daria, I think you spend too much time at home. You need to go out and socialize. (Helen reaches into her purse again, but Jake objects) JAKE: Now wait a minute, Helen. Why do you get to give the girls money? Whenever I do, you yell at me for it... HELEN: Now now, Jakey. We should make sure that (nudges her head at Daria) Daria has some spending money while she's out... so she's *sure* not to come back home too *early* JAKE: How do we know she'll get to spend it?! She might just give it to that communist friend of hers?! HELEN: Communist?! JAKE: Yeah, she was raising money for the Communist party the other day, and she's always wearing red... HELEN: Oh, for God's sake, Jane is NOT a communist, how could you be so ridiculous?! JAKE: Oh, oh now I'm ridiculous! Just because I take a stand against you?! (Daria returns to the staircase to find a very pouty Quinn.) QUINN: Ugh! Why do you ALWAYS have to ruin everything, Daria?! My life is over! DARIA: Oh, don't I wish... (A car horn is heard from the outside) QUINN: (cheery again) Date's here, gotta go... (Quinn leaves. Daria turns to see Jake and Helen screaming at each other.) DARIA: Well, I think that's enough child-parent bonding for one night. I'm going over to Jane's. See you later... (smirks)... comrades. (Daria leaves) JAKE: See?! See that Helen?! They've already brainwashed her! HELEN: Jake! She was being sarcastic again! Do you even know Daria at all?! (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. Daria and Jane are in Jane's room. Daria hits the remote. The music from "Sick, Sad World" is heard.) ANNOUNCER: Are love-starved maniacs pouring aphrodisiacs into YOUR town's water supply?! DARIA: I don't believe it... JANE: What? (Daria and Jane look at the TV and see Upchuck being arrested for pouring something into the town's water supply.) ANNOUNCER: Romance on "tap" Next! On Sick, Sad World! (Daria clicks off the TV) DARIA: That explains why everyone has been love crazy this week. JANE: No it doesn't! YOU were unaffected. DARIA: I'm on a steady diet of soda and tea, Jane. I never drink water. JANE: And they say water is so good for you... DARIA: Whoever said that must have been drinking the tap water here... anyway, whatever Upchuck poured into the water must be wearing off. Life in Lawndale is back to normal. JANE: Well, as normal as Lawndale gets anyway. DARIA: I need something to drink. Want anything? JANE: Anything but water... (Cut to a shot of the Lane kitchen. Trent is examining a milk carton again.) TRENT: Hey, Daria... DARIA: Hey. TRENT: Think this milk is still good? DARIA: Didn't we play this game already? (Daria takes the milk carton.) Trent, this is the same milk carton from the other day. Milk doesn't improve with age. TRENT: Damn... I don't like my coffee without milk... looks like I'll just have to have water... DARIA: Wait a second, Trent! TRENT: (Pauses, then smirks) Time's up! (Daria chuckles. While she does, Trent pours himself some tap water and slams it.) TRENT: Hmm... this water tastes weird... DARIA: It does?... (VO) Maybe those aphrodisiacs didn't wear off. TRENT: It makes me feel... DARIA: Yes? TRENT: Sleepy... DARIA: (smiles) Then the water's fine, Trent. TRENT: Daria? DARIA: Yeah? TRENT: You're pretty smart. I kinda had a weird dream the other day. I was hoping you could tell me what it means... DARIA: I'm not a psychiatrist... TRENT: I know. I'd get one of those, but I'm broke. DARIA: You mean "voluntarily simplistic" (Trent and Daria laugh) TRENT: I dreamt that you... uh... DARIA: Was a famous model, cured cancer, joined your band? TRENT: No. I dreamt that you had this huge crush on me. DARIA: (nervous) Um, yeah. That's a pretty weird dream. TRENT: I know. You're pretty sure of yourself and you always say what you mean. But you were all scared nervous when you told me this stuff. That's how I knew it was a dream. DARIA: (blushing) Um, yeah. That's perceptive of you... no way I'd ever be make myself vulnerable like that... TRENT: I know. You were cringing like I was gonna punch you, or something. Then I woke up... with a blanket on me... (Daria and Trent look at each other in the eyes) TRENT: What do you think it means? DARIA: (VO) You have to tell him sometime... there will never be a better chance... he's not totally sure it was a dream, and he's feeling all warm and fuzzy from that tap water... just tell him... go ahead... just tell him you like him... just come out and say what you mean like you always do. Hell, he's expecting that... (out loud) Shut up, brain! TRENT: Huh? DARIA: Nothing... Hmm, I'm no Freud... (smirking) but maybe this dream was your subconscious mind crying out what it really wants... TRENT: Whoa... subconscious mind crying out... Hey, that'll make a great song! Thanks, Daria. (Trent leaves to find his lyric book. Daria just stands there, shaking her head.) DARIA: Back to square one... (Credits roll. Since you can't see the alter-egos anyway, make up your own!) NOTES: I'm not a big believer in Notes, so I'll make it short and sweet. 1) I know a lot of the shipper readers love stories where Daria finally tells Trent she like him. But still there are the "purists" who like Daria's and Trent's relationship, or lack thereof, the way it is. So this is the best way I could think of to please both groups. 2) In the TV show, and in pretty much all of fanfic. Upchuck is always getting dumped on. I thought it might be cool to actually have him help out for once. 3) How much Tom is enough? I see him as a very limited secondary character. Yes, we all know he's Jane's boyfriend right now. But that doesn't mean he needs to be a regular. But since this fic is mainly about relationships, I decided to give him a few lines. 4) If you have any comments, questions, hate mail, etc. about this fic, drop me an E-mail.