Night Of The Living Butt-Head
By Bobby Birks
NOTE: This would be more suitable as a Halloween episode, where you can change everything and send them on to the next show with no changes.
ALSO NOTE: This story in no way shows the purpose or ideals/ideas of the makers of Daria. Simply the ideals of the author.
ALSO ALSO NOTE: This story has nothing to do with The X-files, etc, etc.
Opening scene: The class is sitting in a classroom lit by candles. The teacher cannot be seen. Part of a squall line (thunderstorms lined up in a row) happens to be sitting on Lawndale. The power has been off for the last two class periods, and the teacher is looking for a Coleman lantern while the class waits. Daria and Jane sit adjacent to one another. Kevin is sleeping while Brittany scowls at him. The rest of the class is conversing.
Daria: (to Jane) These storms are really getting on my nerves.
Jane: Why? I kind of like having no electricity...it keeps creative ideas flowing.
Daria: I mean the storms in general... I admit it is fun to watch Quinn fuss over her electric curler not working, but...
Jane: She curls her hair?
Daria: Actually, she's never curled it, but the curler is just an outlet for her bottled up emotions.
Jane: Dr. Daria, professional shrink.
Daria: Whatever... But, about the storms, I just don't like having to listen to anything louder than Mrs. Barch yelling at...anyone male.
Jane: The thunder does get pretty bad, but Trent could always keep you safe.
Thunder crackles loudly and Kevin jumps at the sound and falls to the ground after a short, frightened scream. The class laughs as Kevin blushes. The teacher, Mr. Jacobs, walks in. He is a middle-aged, balding man who is substituting for Mrs. Barch. He is carrying a small lantern with a propane can on the bottom in one hand, in the other is a rope.
Jacobs: Get into your seat Kevin!
Kevin: Sorry... I must have slipped.
Mr. Jacobs throws the knotted end of the rope over the lights suspended from the ceiling. After a few minor adjustments, he lights the lamp with a match and hoists it. Then he ties one end securely to an empty desk nearby.
After walking to the front of the classroom, Mr. Jacobs speaks: Class, today I'm going to allow you to take this class period to come up with ideas for a science project. Please, only one volcano project, and then only as a last resort.
Kevin calls out: I'll take that one!
Jacobs: At the end of the class period, I'll ask for a written paper that tells what you are planning to do, and tomorrow you will receive the paper back with any suggestions or with a notice to get something else. If you have any questions, come up the front desk and I'll answer them. (He sits down).
Jane: Daria, what are you going to do?
Daria: Are you kidding? With a few touches, my old Highland project will be just fine.
Jane: Wait a minute. You should have had several projects while you were at Highland.
Daria: The teachers saw that one and decided I didn't need to do any more.
Jane: It was that good?
Daria: I attempted a Doctor Frankenstein type of project. I created a small cluster of cells that could move.
Jane: Would you be nice enough to let me take that project? I'm afraid I don't have a lot of spare time these days.
Daria: And what exactly is taking up so much of your valuable time?
Jane: You know, TV, art, parents taking me to therapy, the usual.
Jane: Not really, but if I can get your old science project that way, then yes.
Daria: Just take it then. I don't need to listen to you beg for it. I've gotten enough headaches these past few days as it is.
Jane: The storms?
Daria: That and Quinn's whining.
Meanwhile, in an FBI testing and research facility:
Mulder walks into the room. Scully is covering up two bodies with white sheets.
Mulder: What did you find?
Scully: Not much. They both seemed to have overactive prostate glands and testicles, but there were no other physical defects.
Mulder: Their conditions?
Scully: I thought you knew.
Mulder: Knew what?
Scully: The died shortly after we got them to this facility. I was planning on doing an autopsy.
Mulder: That's so sad to hear...and to children, too. (Looks down at his feet for a while, then looks around the room). Hey, what's that? (points to a set of beakers and colored fluids sitting on a tray).
Scully: Oh. The medical assistant is helping his son with a science project in his spare time here.
Mulder: Really? I wonder what they're doing. Never mind. What about the bodies? (pats one with his hand.
Scully: We'll have to let them drain. They had no parents on record, so the least we could do is prepare a burial.
Scully stands aside as a janitor carries in a tank of embalming fluid: Set it over there.
Scully puts a tube in each and allows it to drain into the sink. She hooks up the embalming fluid before leaving.
Mulder: Wanna get some lunch?
The two walk out, Mulder's jacket accidentally tipping the science project beakers over into...the janitor's empty mop bucket.
Mulder and Scully close the door behind them, and a gust of wind causes it to slam shut. The force of the door caused some beakers to rattle...including a bottle of cough syrup! Nothing falls, though.
The sky outside darkens as a thunderstorm rolls in. A gust of gale force wind blows open the window as a bolt of lightning strikes the embalming fluid...
One of the bodies starts jerking. Shortly after, so does the other. In a little while, one sits up, with pale skin and unkempt brown hair showing.
Corpse: Hey, Beavis. Uh, huh, huh. Get up you fartknocker. (throws a nearby syringe at the other one. It happens to land on him as soon as he pulls of the sheet. It pokes him in the eye)
Beavis: Ahhhhhh! You asswipe. Whatëd you do that for? Heh, mph, heh. Bunghole. (He pulls out the syringe and his eye with it).
Cut to: Outside of facility.
Back in Lawndale:
School is out, and the students are running out into the rain. Most have umbrellas, but Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are holding all three of theirs over Quinn and getting drenched. Daria and Jane walk along with Jane holding the umbrella over the two of them.
Jane: So what are you going to do for your project?
Daria: Something that will sicken the teachers.
Jane: Like what?
Daria: I don't know. Maybe something on Sick, Sad World will give me an idea.
Cut to: Daria's house. Then her room. Daria and Jane sit and stare at a blank television. The water flowing down the window causes some patterns to form on the wall. Jane looks at them.
Jane: Maybe if I had some of my stuff here, I could paint that.
Daria: Could you paint the TV? I'm starting to get bored.
Just then, the power comes on.
TV: Real life zombies? Stay tuned for the story here, on Sick, Sad World!
After a while, Sick, Sad World resumes.
SSW reporter woman: So, you claim that a couple of high school children are now among the undead?
Mulder: I believe that the result of lightning striking the embalming fluid tank caused then to rise as the undead.
Scully: All we know is that the tank was struck by lightning and the bodies of these children are now missing.
SSWRW: Is there any other evidence to-
Just that moment, Beavis and Butt-head stumble out from the building with a large group of panicked people running away.
Beavis: Booooooobs! Heh, heh, mph.
The SSW camera person drops it, causing brief static. The SSWRW stands there shocked and screams.
Beavis (to SSWRW): Hey there. Mph heh. How's it goin'?
Butt-head: Buuuuuutttsssss. Uh, huh, huh, I mean Brraaaiins!
The camera is kicked by someone who is fleeing, causing it to short out.
Daria: Was that what I think it was?
Jane: You mean Bravo and Boot Neck?
Daria: Beavis and Butt-head. I don't know what's going on, but I think we're about to experience another Halloween episode.
Jane: Damn. I guess we should just be thankful that this won't air on TV.
Daria: Maybe I could talk the writer into making someone else the star while we go to the-
Voice of James Earl Jones: No! You have been assigned this task. It is your duty to complete it.
Jane: This gets pretty screwed up right here.
Daria: Can I get double pay, then?
Voice of James Earl Jones: All right! It is done. May the force be with you.
Jane: Isn't that under copyright?
Voice of James Earl Jones: Why should I care? Listen to my voice! They all fear me. Oh yes, and the Mitchell guy will show up in this one.
Daria: You mean Andrews?
Voice of James Earl Jones: Whatever. I need to be going. They want to use my voice on a car alarm....
Cut to commercial:
Cut to: Daria and Jane walking down the school hallway.
Daria: (quietly, mumbling) I'm unruly. I get what I want. Da da da da da.
Jane: Excuse me?
Daria: Nothing, just that commercial. I can't get that song out of my head.
Jane: Really? I though that was Icebox Woman?
Daria: (glaring) I really hate you.
Intercom: (Ms. Li) Students, I have a very important announcement to make. I just received word that an army of the undead have descended unto Lawndale High. I and the rest of the faculty want all students with firearms to meet us outside, as the police force has already been slaughtered. Oh, and, please don't panic.
At this point, several students, including Andrea, pull out handguns. Kevin runs away as Brittany pulls a shotgun out of her locker and cocks it. Jane pulls a sawed-off from underneath her jacket.
Jane: (loading) What?
Daria: Why are you carrying a sawed-off?
Jane: Handguns are too small and I couldn't fit anything bigger in the jacket.
Daria: Good idea. And they say today's students are under educated.
Jane: Where's yours?
Daria: My parents took mine away when I was threatening Quinn a few years back...
Cut to: Front of Lawndale high, raining.
Jane: I called Trent. He said that he'd be right over.
Trent's car pulls up and he steps out.
Trent: Hey, Janey. What are you doing with that gun! I told you time and time again that you had to save up your money and buy one yourself.
Trent grabs a rifle from his car and a handgun. He hands the latter to Daria.
Trent: Jane said that your parents took yours a while back. This was all that I could find.
Daria: Thanks. (to Jane) Since this is the Halloween episode, we all come back next show, right?
Daria: So I wouldn't get in trouble for shooting, say, Quinn.
Jane: But don't you see that fashion club girl with the assault rifle?
Daria: Oh yeah. Bad idea.
At that moment, a figure can be seen running in the distance and can be heard shouting.
Brittany: Daria, what's he saying?
Daria: It sounds like..."brain."
Jane: Brain, huh? Let's shoot.
Daria: But don't zombies say "brains?" You know, plural.
Daria: And don't they lumber slowly instead of running?
Jane: Your point?
Daria: Never mind.
The student body of Lawndale high, including Trent but excluding Daria, shoots. Quinn eyes Sandi out of the corner of her eye. Sandi does the same. They both turn and shoot at each other...
After the shooting dies down, Joey, Jeffy, and...the other guy look for Quinn and see her and Sandi lying on the ground. Both are dead.
Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie: Noooo!!!
Daria and Jane run over to the body of the strange figure. As they draw nearer, they know that it is...Michael Andrews.... In his hands, he holds tickets to Spain.
Jane: It sounded like he said brain.
Daria: Oh well. We really didn't need a spy with high tech weaponry anyway...
Later, all the students as well as the teachers are standing outside, looking nervous. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are standing near Stacy and Tiffany. Trent, Jane, and Daria all sit in Trent's car.
Jane: Looks like Quinn's little group has adjusted nicely.
Trent: You two don't seem to be bothered very much by Michael's death.
Daria: Do you think we were actually going to feature him? Without the other Michael's permission?
Trent: Yeah.... I guess.
Upchuck knocks on the window and scares everyone. Trent rolls down the window and shoots him.
Trent: I like these Halloween episodes.
Brittany walks up to the window before Trent rolled it up: The zombies are coming!
Jane: Sorry Upchuck.
Daria: Yeah, right.
They step out of the car and look to see a very large group of zombies lumbering towards them. Trent locks the car.
Jane: Why did you lock it?
Trent: Someone might steal it, and then we couldn't get away.
Daria: Do you think that we'll get the opportunity to try?
Trent: I dunno.
They join the rest of the school and begin readying their firearms.
Kevin comes out of nowhere and jumps in front of Daria.
Kevin: I'll protect you!
Daria, Trent, Jane, Brittany: What!?
Kevin: I love you Daria!
Daria: I did not want to hear that.
Brittany shoots Kevin as the rest of them begin to shoot at the mass of dark figures in the distance....
Later: They had killed every one of them before they could even get close enough to see them. A small group went to investigate and returned with bad news.
Joey: It was the national guard.
Jeffy: Or the army.
Johnson: Or the marines, and my name's Jamey.
Jane: That's just our luck. We killed the only people who could save us.
Trent: Twice, if you count-
Daria: Where are the real zombies!
Cut to: Beavis and Butt-head sit and stare at strippers in amazement.
Beavis: Uh...heh, heh, mph.
Butt-head: You said it dude.
Beavis: I'm going to go the bathroom and...take care of some business.
Butt-head: Yes. I will also spank my monkey.
They walk off into the bathroom. About ten seconds later, Beavis screams in horror.
Beavis: Ahhhhh! It came off, it came off!
The preceding story contained descriptions of zombies, guns, and stuff. It should not have been read by the illiterate.
As the author, allow me to apologize for the death of Michael. I simply wanted to do something other than what most would suspect. I would also like to offer my sincere apologies for the stupidity of the story, but that's what my "Halloween" stories are all about.... If you would prefer that I leave Beavis and Butt-head out of any other fanfics I do, let me know. If you prefer that I leave stupidity out of my Halloween fics, please tell someone who cares...as I said, that's what the Halloween fics are about.