My, What Big Eyes you Have!
a day in the life of Mr. Demartino

by Tony Seljuk

All characters here are property of MTV Networks, Etc.

I. It's a beautiful day in the Neighborhood!

Ah, what a wonderful day to be alive. I could almost smell the moldy armpits of that retard quarterback in my history class. What will be taught today? More World War II. These people need to learn! And if they don't learn, then they won't understand. Ah, who cares. They're bloody teenagers, they know nothing! They should be serving me. I'm superior to them all!

Oh shut up and go take a shower, you old fool.

Oh, alright. Just don't look at my bare ass. It's horrifying.

Ah, that feels nice, steamy water cascading all over my old bones, seeping into every muscle and cleansing the pores. I gotta take my meds after this. Sure, the stuff may cause impotence but I gotta keep these eyeballs in check. Don't want 'em bursting all over the room! I can't afford another pair, you know.

You can't buy another set of eyeballs.

I will soon, ya hear? Shut the fuck up!!

II.Under My Wheels

With these unstable eyeballs it's a wonder i can even drive. I'd love to drive up the hill-aw, hell, there's no hills around here. Goddamn it! What did I run over this time? Jeez...oh fuck it, i'm already at work. I can already feel the chemicals rush through my veins...ah...reminds me of my morphine addiction. Ah, those were the days. I'd get together with the fellas at the old Stork Club and we'd all do a little junk, not too much, and then we'd all take turns smacking the ivories when there wasn't a pianist around. I tell ya though...nothing like a little pot when someone's playing "Take Five" or anything by the Brubeck Quartet. Well, enough reminiscing, we got a roomfulla degenerates to play with today. I oughta teach 'em the true meaning of labor today. I wonder if the recyclin' bin has anything in it. I'm gonna scatter the things about the hall and whip their asses as they pick up each can. They'll see and they'll understand somehow! It's the only way to teach them!

You're raising your voice, you know.

I know! Jesus! I'll shut up.

III.Please won't you be my neighbor?

Woo! Now I'm scanning the class with these eyes...I have better than 20/20 vision, ya know. I think it's probably because of the abnormal swelling. The lense is altered greatly when it's stretched so much, it's kinda scary. There's that weird girl with the glasses again. Her even more bizarre friend is there too. Hell, they're actually nice compared to the rest of these goddamn monkeys. What, were their parents retards? Aside from a couple, many of them won't listen, and if they don't listen, then they won't understand. And if they don't understand, it's because they are blind. They don't see, so they can't understand. So we must MAKE them understand.

Ah, now to rant on about dad was in the war, ya know. He battled off them crouts like a goddamn bullfighter! Well, sure, he was Italian, but he was in the US all his life, so he was one of Roosevelt's allies. I'm not going to get into another silent anecdote, I have to work! And of course, if you don't work, you get fired! And when you're fired you're eventually homeless! And you know what that means!

Stop thinking and start work. Stop thinking and start work.

Oh, alright. I'm gonna do the can thing today.

IV. I Will Be in the Bar...

That fucking principal says my lessons are unconstitutional. She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about! I defended her constitution! I was in Nam goddammit! I should discipline these kids MY way. They need to learn! I'm sick of them always not knowing anything. I was having fun whipping that football boy's ass. I liked seeing him jump as the leather licked those boney buttocks of his. I started whipping other guys too and watching them jump in the air in the same manner. I started on the girls too, and that's when Li came about, screaming at me and wacking me with her cane(she broke her ankle somehow, I guess she rammed it up someone's ass a little too hard in a fitta rage or something). I might get fired. Me and my ideas. Dammit. Time to pound down some scotch...yum yum. Scotch is a man's drink, lemme tellya, and it ain't no man's drink unless it sterlizes your pipes. Like Ginger Liquer, lemme tellya about that...that stuff'll do such a number on your guts that when ya piss you'll feel like lemon juice is coming out of yer urethra. I bet they use that stuff for torches. Or is that propane? Fuck if I know. Here comes my good pal Fred. He's a nice guy but he's a real loser, if you know what I mean. Guy has a degree in journalism, and what does he do? He works in a goddamn cement factory. Another please. Thank you, sir. Now we're talkin' about the elections. Who should be Lawndale's mayor? There's this one guy who probably has every disease known to the face of the earth, he's as ugly as sin, and there's this other fella who's about as fat as a goddamn elephant. I might vote for the elephant. He's a totalitarian. I dig those guys.

VI. Bedtime

What a day, what a day. Just had a bit of pasta for dinner, slathered in tomato sauce, yumm...lotsa meatballs too. Gotta love meatballs. Biting into a good one is about as good as-well, I'm not gonna think about that right now. I gotta finish watching Letterman before I pass out. That scotch didn't fuck me up as it usually does. Oh well, you can't with every time, I guess. But boy do my pipes feel clean. I hate feelin' oily, ya know. Ah, man am I tired. My leg still hurts from Barch beating me up last week. Said I tried to say something mysoginist or somethin'. I do find her attractive! I just don't want to start anything with her! She scares the shit outta me. Nearly put my eye out last week, ya know!

VII. That was Just a Dream

C'n you believe this shit? I was just called by school administration! I just got fired! For fuck's sake! I knew this would happen. I knew it! I can already feel the 3 days of stubble on my face! I might have to go on welfare and live like Ted Kacsynski for the remainder of my years! I'm 57 years old! I'll get them, dammit! I'll get them all. What's this...eyeballs poking through my window, a large pink vulva caving in over my head! Who's that...oh shit! It's her! She's staring at me. MY EYE!!! HELP!! AAAARRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's only a dream, Tony, you sound like you're urinating all over yourself.

It is? It IS!? Well! I don't have to save my toilet paper! Bravo! But i still have all those monkeys to deal with....