My Daria/Harry Potter (fandom-based) Crossover

by Brother Grimace

EXT. DEGA STREET - LATE NIGHT

The street is dark, except for the dim light from several sparsely placed lampposts, all of which are in dire need of cleaning.

Jane leans idly against a lamppost, finishing a slice of pizza. She eats the last bite, then wipes her hands on her pants and straightens up.

JANE: Well... time to see if it was just an urban myth. (pause) Voldemort.

(Scant seconds pass before a half-dozen Death Eaters Apparate into the street directly in front of Jane, their wands at the ready!)

DEATH EATER: Were YOU the one who used the name of the Dark Lord-?

JANE: Quack quack, gobble gobble!

DEATH EATER: What...?

(Jane ducks, and the Death Eaters are sprayed with autoweapons fire that sends them jerking crazily about the street and dropping like rocks, blood pouring from the many wounds about their dying bodies!)

JANE: (Continuing) Duck, turkey. Ooh... that's gotta hurt! (beat) I want to shoot the next time!

(Lynn Cullen, Kyle Armalin, Richard Rawlings, Martin Peters, Derek Adler, Andrea Hecuba-Thorne and Max Tyler, all holding assault rifles, rise from their makeshift blind in the front of Axl's tattoo parlor. They change out magazines on their weapons.)

MAX: (Yelling) WOLVERINES!

(The others just look at him coldly, and he curdles.)

MAX: (continuing) Sorry... (He changes the magazine in his weapon as Kyle turns to Lynn.)

KYLE: Cullen - must you always take head shots? The hoods on those two on the end is all they have left OF their heads!

(Lynn simply shrugs as Jim Vitale steps out of the shop and takes a puff of his cigar.)

JIM: Now, leave the young lady alone, Kyle. She's efficient.

LYNN: That's fifteen. Sooner or later, they'll figure out that their friends aren't coming back - and the next time we do this, start showing up in force.

JIM: I know. (He holds up his hand, and the doors of two abandoned vans, one on either side of the street, open to show Tom Sloane and Daria Morgendorffer at the controls of a minigun, with Ted Dewitt-Clinton and Quinn Morgendorffer watching their backs.) We're prepared. (beat; to Jane) So, ready for another round?

JANE: (noticing the faintness of light at the edge of the horizon) As long as you're paying for breakfast at the end of this, I can deal. Stupid wizards...like no one's going to think to set a trap to get rid of as many Death Eaters as possible that way...

JIM: Yes, yes... you're all very smart in figuring out a plot hole that the author of a multi-million dollar literary property totally missed. (beat) Whatever. As soon as the Death Eaters Apparate in front of you, duck and cover. We'll keep spraying them with fire until they drop.

KYLE: (raising an eyebrow) What do you mean, 'we,' paleface?

JIM: (slapping Kyle on the back) Well, what can I say? You're a Marine - you're supposed to shoot people! I'm a lawyer - my job is to screw people!

JANE: Works for me. Hurry and disappear - Those Death Eaters won't sucker themselves into a hail of gunfire all on their own, will they?

(Moments later, the street is deserted, except a yawning Jane, who leans against the lamp post.)

JANE: Three - two - one. Voldemort!


(The popping sound of Apprarating Death Eaters is drowned out by the sounds of automatic weapons blazing away.)

End.

27 July 2007